I'm tired, angry and hurt

If you’re looking for a “happy, jolly Tammy post”, this one isn’t it.

I would like to say in advance to any of the TTC gals who will fall into any of the below categories, that it may sound like I’m angry at you or hate you but I don’t. I know you have been in my shoes and although you’re happy for people, you’re also sad and it’s a bittersweet situation. I know you guys understand and are probably the only people who can give me some hope and understanding which is why I post on here. Know that I love you and you guys give me strength and hope.

And I also wanted to say, before I get another “anonymous” letter, that I do love my life and I definitely count my blessings. I have a great husband, a great house, a great life and a great set of family and friends. But, the last time I checked (and this could be debatable), I was human. And humans have emotions because God gave them to us. He gave us happy, sad, angry, excited, jealous, etc. And just because I cry or get upset, doesn’t mean I don’t cherish my life. After all, Jesus wept, too.

Now, onto my post.

A lot of my TTC friends I have been blessed to have met through the NW board. I joined the board in 2006 and I obviously knew nobody on either the TTC side or the Beyond TTC side. But, I got to know so many people TTC and the support was amazing. Slowly, people from the TTC side began moving over to the Beyond TTC side. Fast forward to now, and I know hardly anybody on the TTC side and know just about everyone on the Beyond TTC and some have even had 2 babies in the time that I can’t even have 1.

And it hurts.

I love God. I know He has his plans and they are for the good. And like I’ve told other people, God doesn’t seem to listen to me but that makes Him so smart. I know that if my IVF would have worked, I would be 7 months pregnant right now. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through the last emotional couple weeks with being pregnant on top of it. What if the stress would’ve made me go into preterm labor? What if I would’ve lost the baby? What if we had a baby during all that? How would I have been able to handle both? So, I know God knows what He’s doing. I’m not angry at Him. How can I be angry at someone who has given me so much? But even though I know God has a plan and He loves me, my dream seems so far away.

And it hurts.

And I’m so tired of it.

I’m tired of everyone else getting their BFPs and I can’t. I’m tired of watching another one go over to the “other side”, making it more lonely over on this side. I’m tired of watching others “move forward” while I’m essentially just “standing still”. I’m tired of the fact that I can’t just do another IVF because my first one failed. I’m tired of the fact that we have to go see a psychologist just to be put on a list for donor embryos when teenagers and drug addicts can just get pregnant.

We’ve done 12 IUIs, 1 IVF, a failed attempt at known donor eggs, a failed attempted at a known adoption and a failed attempt at a donor egg study. All I want to do is catch a break. I’ve watched others catch lucky breaks whether through adoption or their husband having “little or no swimmers” and bam! surprise BFP! Why can’t we catch a break?

I’m tired of watching Mark be sick all the time. I’m tired of being scared every day because he’s grabbing his chest. I’m tired of not being able to plan much because we have to see what kind of a day Mark has. I’m tired of talking to doctors more than I talk to my family.

(It may seem like I’m angry at Mark or I’m sick of being married to him…but I’m not! Sooooo far from it. When you have a terminally ill spouse, it just gets tiring and you wish they didn’t have to suffer. That’s what hurts the most and is so tiring. It just gets emotionally draining and yet you wouldn’t want to not be there with him because you love your husband so much).

I hurt because I can’t provide my husband with our baby. I hurt because I will never be able to carry a baby that is 50/50 Mark’s and mine. I hurt because when people see us with Tyler and Peyton, the first words out of their mouths are “I didn’t think you guys had kids.” and I have to explain they are our niece and nephew once again. I hurt because I watch Mark and Peyton together and they are so close and so happy and I can’t provide that for Mark because I have scrambled eggs.

As much as I love my life, I’m angry. I’m angry that my husband has to struggle so much. I’m angry we can’t have a baby together. I’m angry that we never seem to catch a break in anything in our lives. I’m angry watching others move on and me feeling like I’m left behind.

And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

As happy as I am and as lucky as I know I am to be married to Mark and have the life I have, I’m tired. I’m angry. I hurt. I just want to catch a break.