Kindergarten? Really?

How did this happen?

Tonight is the Meet the Teacher for Hannah. She will be in kindergarten.

Kindergarten, folks.

It's a hard pill for this mom to swallow.

Yes, I know---this is one milestone of many. I can just hear everyone saying "Just wait until she's driving! Then she'll be graduating from high school! Then it's off to college, then getting married, having kids. This is just the beginning!"

I'm aware of that. I'm also aware that this milestone just isn't easy and I'm living in the here and now. Right now, I'm just sad.

My baby is growing up.

Sure, I admit there are days that I'm okay with her going to school. Those days she interrupts me for the tenth time while I'm working because she can't find a crayon or toy that's right in front of her face. Or I hear the dreaded "Mommy, come quick!" with a flooded sink when I'm trying to get a report done that is needed immediately.

But how am I going to survive without that sweet face coming to me, wanting to sit on my lap, wanting me to snuggle with her or even just wanting a hug or to say she loves me. How will I go 5 days a week all day without seeing her beautiful face? Always interrupting me, always there. It will be so quiet--too quiet.

Yes, she went to 4K last year, but that was half a day and only 4 days a week. That was hard but I could handle it. Guys, this will be 5 days a week for a full day.

She's never been away from me that long. Never been in full daycare.

I am blessed that I know her kindergarten teacher and I couldn't ask for a better fit for Hannah. That makes it easier.

But this is still so dang hard.

Laugh at me all you want. :) Tell me "it's just kindergarten, you'll be fine". I get it. This is really nothing.

But the fact is, my only baby will be in kindergarten and this is just not easy for me.

Determining our purpose

Hannah loves to sing. She sing all the time. All. The. Time.

With the exception of the songs from Frozen and Moana, it's really not too bad. My favorite times are when she pretends she's in a worship team at church and sings songs about Jesus while playing her guitar.

A couple days ago she was singing a song she had learned at VBS recently about how God has a reason for your life.

When Hannah was done singing and we had given the necessary applause and compliments she craves, Mark looked over at me and said "You know, I'm still trying to figure out that reason. Why does God still keep me here?"

I admit, I have asked God why Mark is still here but for a different reason. Sometimes I watch him suffering in so much pain and wonder why God doesn't take him home.

But this time when Mark looked at me and asked, it seems I had an immediate logical answer that Mark needed to hear.

"Are you serious, Mark? Do you have any idea how many people you have touched? I can just imagine so many people have come closer to God after seeing the miracles He's performed in your life. The transplant, Hannah, the brain bleed and most recently the clot that just disappeared. Do you know how many people are inspired by your strength? Your will to keep going? So many people say they couldn't do what you do or they say they are hurting but think of you and know they have nothing to complain about. Mark, I don't think you understand the effect you have not only on your friends and family but people all over the world! You are an inspiration!"

Mark paused for awhile and then said "You know, I never really thought of that. Do people really say that?"

I nodded. "Yes, they do Mark. So many. People want to be as strong as you. People see how God works in your life. You definitely have a purpose!"

I could tell Mark felt better and smiled.

But then.....

I started thinking.

"Ummm.....if that's your purpose, what's my purpose? Taking care of you and Hannah?"

Mark kinda chuckled. "Well you talk about me and Hannah!"

"So, in other words, my purpose is to talk about you and Hannah's purpose?"

"Well, yeah! Speaking isn't my thing so you do it!"

We both kinda laughed about that and then Hannah said "Mommy, I know what your purpose is".

I reached my arms out to Hannah and wrapped her up in a big hug "Oh yeah, what's Mommy's purpose".

Hannah took my hand and said "Mommy, when I think of your purpose, I think of the true joy you have and your big heart. That is God's purpose for you and why I love you so much".

I admit I teared up. What a special thing to hear from my daughter. And in some ways, I feel she's right. I do have a heart that is so sensitive to people and I always want to help. Maybe just like with me, an answer came to me that Mark needed to hear just like an answer came to Hannah that I needed to hear.

That I do have a purpose that is bigger than sharing Mark's and Hannah's purpose.

We all have a purpose and sometimes it comes through the mouth of a child and it's priceless.

Clogging: Out. Gymnastics: In.

Hannah was pretty much born into clogging. Her babysitters were very much into clogging and most of the time I was their ride to clogging. Hannah would be in her car seat while her babysitters clogged at practice.

When Hannah started walking, it was like she was born to clog. She loved it. She tried mimicking everything her babysitters did and we've got many videos to show that.

I always thought when she was 18 months and old enough to be in the Parent and Me class for gymnastics, she would be in that. However, she appeared to really love clogging even at such a young age and being I really only wanted her in one sport at such a young age, we decided to sign her up for clogging.

She was a natural even at such a young age. I don't mean to brag but there were many times I heard how talented she was, how she'll go far, how she could be a national champion.

I was just so proud.

Here are some pictures of Hannah clogging in 2014 when she was 2-3 years old:

Her official first year of clogging picture:

Hannah loved performing. She loved being on stage. She just loved clogging so much. I knew we had a future star if she continued in it.

She even competed in a national competition in 2016 and won the Tiny Tots competition:

Then in March of this year, something changed. Suddenly my clogging daughter, who loved performing and had been on stage in front of hundreds of people, was too scared to join in practice with several other kids that she had been clogging with for years. I started dreading going to practice as there would be many tears, screaming and just not wanting to participate at all.

What had happened?

What I didn't know at the time was that God was preparing me for a hard decision.

I talked to Hannah's instructor and she agreed that we could try private lessons for awhile until she got her confidence back up. Hannah was excited to try this and while I was still confused about this sudden change, I just wanted Hannah to feel confident and happy again.

It was a busy time of year for clogging so we didn't hear from the instructor. Hannah kept begging me to call her but I told her we would wait until the competitions were done and things slowed up before we bugged her about private lessons. Hannah seemed to accept it but also really wanted to get back into it.

Then we were told some shocking news. Hannah's sitters were no longer in clogging and things had ended on a bad note.

While I know there are certainly two sides to every story, I had seen the texts exchanged and saw the pain and hurt the family experienced.

I sat Hannah down and just said to her "I don't think you'll be going back to clogging"

Her eyes got all wide and I could tell she was on the verge of some major tears. "But why?"

I then explained to her the situation and what had happened the best I could for a 5-year-old. After explaining it, I asked her if she was okay with not going back to clogging.

She immediately nodded and said "Yes, mommy. I don't like it when people are mean to my family and I just can't be around that".

I was so incredibly proud of her.

She admitted she was going to miss it and she said she was sad. To be honest, I was very heartbroken. She had worked so hard, done so well and loved clogging so much. She was excited that Daddy was going to put a shelf up in her room to display her trophies that she got and hopefully would continue to get. I had such high hopes for her and I knew she could go far.

But I also knew after hearing what had happened, it would be much harder to go back. I was very grateful that Hannah felt the same way.

I told her we could look into a gymnastics club and she got excited. She's always jumping around here, practicing gymnastics, walking on "beams" and just has a lot of fun with it. I explained we'd get through the summer and then look into it more when fall came around.

Then this weekend at the fair, our local gymnastics club had a booth. They also had a fair special that you could save money for enrolling, even if it was in the fall. They also said they would try to work it out so I could coach Hannah's class and help offset her tuition.

It's always been my dream to coach my daughter in gymnastics and it looked like this might be possible.

Hannah still loves her clogging. She still practices in the kitchen. It's honestly hard to watch.

But I know she'll be okay. She's learned a valuable lesson in all this that just can't be taught. She knows family is so much more important than any sport.

I'm also so thankful to God for preparing my heart as I know if Hannah hadn't suddenly had issues, it would've been even harder to leave.

And the timing of signing her up, saving money and also possibly being given the opportunity to coach her myself----what a gift.

So here is to our next adventure: Gymnastics! We are all so excited and anxious for this new journey.