Our loss

Some people may agree or disagree with this and maybe this won't make any sense but lately I feel like I don't make any sense at all anyway.

I know everyone has their own opinions which is what everyone is 100% entitled to, just like I'm entitled to my opinion. And everyone has their own ideas/opinions about IVFs and stuff. And like I've said, to some this cycle for us was just a "failed" cycle and to others they may recognize it as "somewhat" of a loss and to others, it's a big loss.

To us, it's huge loss, like a 10-month loss.

I'll explain.

You see, Kami e-mailed us on June 17, 2009 asking us if we would like to adopt their embryos. I've saved the e-mail and will forever. I remember that day asking Mark if he wanted to adopt 3 babies (imagine the look on his face :)). I remember replying back to her with tears in my eyes thinking how did we get so lucky? and just knowing this had to finally be our lucky break.

Even though Kami and Steve insisted we could use the embryos right away, we didn't feel right about it until Kami gave birth so we knew there were no regrets. Looking back, I'm very glad we did that as it gave us more time to love our babies and to follow Kami's pregnancy and get to know her, Steve and the girls more. We had that much more time to become attached to them and hope and love, something I'm so glad we were able to do. It made the loss much harder, but it made us love so much more.

Since June 17, 2009, we have been in absolute total love with 3 wonderful, beautiful babies.

We got to watch Kami go through her pregnancy, then see a glimpse of our babies through Sam and Mia and then we got to meet them. We were so lucky to have met our babies' siblings. Not everyone using donated embryos can say that.

One of the things I love about IVF is that you get to know and love all the embryos and know they exist. So many women get pregnant naturally and not even know it. They just lose the baby with their period and never get to know the baby even existed. That's so sad to me. At least with IVF, you know the baby existed and you get to really love them so very, very much.

So, the point I'm trying to make is that in our hearts and minds, we didn't just have a "failed" cycle. We've loved these babies since June 2009 and I don't know if anyone could have loved these babies more than Mark, me, Steve and Kami did. For almost a year, we had so many hopes and dreams and love for these babies. We knew they existed and we loved them with all our hearts since day 1.

That's where we feel like this is a 10-month loss and really not just a "loss".

Like I said, I don't know if this makes any sense or not and lately I feel like I just babble and my brain is just mush.

I do know we miss our babies. We miss them so very much. So much it hurts more than I ever thought it could.

Belly pics

Thanks again so much for all your support and love. It means so much. We've both been so down. I started bleeding Thursday and it's been tough. I know it's going to take time, but I'm just really down.

Thanks for not giving up on me, your comments, e-mails, support, everything. It really means a lot.

Anyway, I wanted to share these pictures. Here are belly pictures I took with my sister. Look how happy I am. I'm so glad we took these pictures. I've always wanted to take belly pictures with my sister and I'm glad I did.

Of course we had to take with Peyton, too. :)

So angry...

First of all, I want to say thank you so much to all of you for all your comments, e-mails, prayers and all your support. I know I haven't responded but I've read every one and they have all really helped us, so thank you.

I also want to say that we are so incredibly grateful to Steve and Kami for giving us this amazing opportunity and for giving us 3 very precious babies who are in heaven playing with our other 4 babies. I can't express how grateful we are and how much love we have for them. Thank you guys from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you for being there so much for us through this when I know you guys have suffered so much of a loss, too. Thank you for not regretting your choice and knowing that we did everything we could for them. Thank you for acknowledging that we took good care of them like you asked us to even when I feel we've let you down. You have done nothing but show incredible love to us and we love you so much for it. I'm so glad we've gotten so close. And we are so blessed to have met Sam and Mia and we will always feel a special connection to them. They are our babies' siblings and we love them so much. We love you, Steve and Kami.

I am also grateful to God for leading us to Steve and Kami and for giving us this opportunity. For that, I am so grateful. I am so grateful and blessed that we had the great opportunity to go to Michigan and see Kami and Megan and the babies. I am so, so glad we were able to do that.

The rest of this post will seem very "un-Tammy" like, but these are my feelings and I want to write them out.

The truth is, I'm pissed off.

I don't understand why this didn't work. We had 3 perfect 4AA blasts--the best there is. I did everything right before the transfer. I did acupuncture, massage, chiropractic adjustments. I was on all the right vitamins to help the baby/babies. I was drinking a ton of water every day. I was researching, doing everything I could to help the baby/babies.

After learning that our embies would have to have testing done on them if we had them shipped to MN, we immediately decided we would travel to MI. Nobody was going to do "testing" on our babies. We kept them in their MI home to protect them.

We did everything to protect our babies and do what was right for them. After the transfer, I followed the restrictions of 3 different clinics, putting all the restrictions together, and was extremely, extremely careful.

We literally had people from all over the world praying for us....all over the world. So many people were praying.

So, why didn't it work?

Then to have my beta on my birthday. I will forever associate my birthday with the day I got my beta--confirming our babies were gone to heaven. Last year, Mark was in the hospital on my birthday. 2 birthdays 2 years in a row that just plain sucked. Any day but my birthday would have been so much better. Of course, if it would have worked, it would've been awesome, but being it didn't, having a beta drawn on your birthday couldn't be much worse.

I know there are others who have suffered much more than me. I know that. But I also know I have a very ill husband and reality is he probably won't live a long life. I don't want to be alone and would love to share the love of our own child with Mark as long as possible. But it looks like God wants me to be alone.

I know, I know...God doesn't want me suffering. God has a plan. Bigger things are coming. Then why do I hurt so bad? Why does He take our babies away from us?

Why?

If I'm meant to be a mom like so many people tell me, why am I not? Why do I have struggle after struggle? Maybe it's because of Mark and his health--maybe I need to focus more on Mark. As much as I love Mark and definitely want to be there for him, there is a hole in my heart and I just want to be a mom so bad.

I wish if it wasn't meant to be, God would just take this desire away. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to suffer. I don't want to have more babies in heaven. So, why is God letting me suffer?

I know I'm not normally like this, but the truth is, I'm just so hurt and angry. I'm so, so sad. Our babies are gone. I don't regret anything--not at all. I'd do it all over again in a heart beat. We have 3 beautiful, wonderful babies in heaven.

Now, my 2 babies are gone inside me. I have to bleed them out. I'm so scared to do that. I know to some people, I was never pregnant. I never got the BFP, no positive beta. People believe different things in regards to when babies are babies. But we believe and know embryos are babies.

I know I was pregnant. I saw the embryos go in the catheter, go into my uterus. I saw it. I have proof. I have it on video. And I know those embryos are babies. I saw the proof when I saw Kami's twins and Megan's Mason. Those embryos are babies. My precious babies died inside of me and they are still in there and I have to bleed them out. I don't know how I'm going to do it. There is a part of me that never wants my period to come so I can always have at least a part of my babies with me all the time.

It just doesn't seem fair.

Not fair at all.

I know I haven't been checking blogs and I'm sooooo sorry for that. With all the support I've gotten from you guys, I want to be there for you, to watch your babies grow, to support you through your journeys. But, right now, I need some time to grieve. I need to just be sad. I promise I will go back to your blogs when I'm able to. I want to be there. I really do. I just need some time. I know you all understand.

Thank you again for all your support. We're so honored to have such a huge blogger family. You all mean so very much to us.

(((HUGS)))

Beta was negative

Negative

We won't be getting our beta results today...have to wait until tomorrow. Michigan clinic is closed. But I took 2 HPTs this morning and got BFNs, so it doesn't look good.

Thanks for all the support, e-mails and prayers. It means a lot.

Meeting Kami and Megan

After 2 days of bed rest, I was so ready to meet Kami and Megan.

Megan, Bryan and Mason came into town Saturday late afternoon. Although I was technically still on bed rest, I was anxious to meet Megan so we invited them over that night for pizza. I was so happy when they said yes!

When she called to tell me they were at our hotel, my mom went out to greet them so I didn't have to get up. That lasted for about 10 seconds. I was so excited to finally meet Megan that I got up and met them in the hallway. It was amazing! Of course I hugged her right away and had a hard time letting go. Megan has also used donor embryos and has helped me in so many ways. I was so glad they made the long trip.

We had such a good time. It was like old friends getting together. I got to hold Mason. I was definitely a Mason hog. :) I was so glad they came over so we could spend more time together while we were in town. And I was so glad they came despite me not having a shower for a couple days and probably really stinky! :)


Me holding Mason. I look terrible, but I'm on bed rest!

The next day, we all had plans to meet at the hotel at 1.

To be honest, I was a little nervous to meet Kami. I mean, what do you say to someone who has given you such a miracle and opportunity?

But, literally, the second I saw her, all the nerves were gone. I wish I had that moment on video, but really it's so clear in my mind that it really doesn't matter.

I saw her get out of her car and she had the sweetest smile. The tears immediately came and I was in her arms sobbing. I couldn't help it. I was finally meeting the one who had given us 3 babies to love and cherish forever. Finally, after I was able to talk, I just said "Thank you" and she said "You're welcome" and gave me a kiss on my head. It was all that needed to be said. We both understood so much. It was a moment I will never forget.

Okay, wiping the tears here!

Then, we all went out to eat at Panera Bread. We had never been there before so I was excited to try it.

We talked and laughed like old friends. We were there for 3 hours! It was amazing. The time flew by and I really didn't want it to end but I knew Megan had a 3-hour drive ahead of them so they had to leave.

It was amazing meeting these girls. Both are so special to me. Kami has given us so much---such a miracle and blessing. And Megan and I have talked many times on the phone and she's helped me as she also has used donor embryos and knows what I'm going through. To be able to meet these gals was a huge blessing and it was so hard to leave them. God blessed us so much by bringing them into our lives.

I love you guys and miss you so much!!!

I wish we lived closer. We talked about making it a yearly thing and I hope we do...maybe even more. :) I miss them all already so much!

And of course, here are some pictures from the day!!

Megan made Kami and I matching necklaces to represent the 3 embryos. It is so beautiful and I wear it all the time! (I stole this picture from Kami's blog as it is a beautiful picture of the necklace!). Thank you Megan!!!


Sam, Mia and Mason. Nobody can ever tell me embryos aren't babies. I got proof right here!


Sam and Mia with the blankets my mom and I made for them. :)


Me, Kami and Megan with the babies


Mark and I with Mia


Mom and Mason


Mark and Mia


Mark holding Mia and my mom holding Mason


Me holding Sam and Mark holding Mia


Mason, Bryan and Megan


All of us, minus my mom who graciously took the picture..thanks Mom! :)


Me with Sam and Mark with Mia


Megan, Mason and Kami


Sam and I. I LOVE this picture!


Kami holding Mason


Megan and Bryan holding Sam and Mia


Me holding Mason


Kami


All of us at Panera Bread


Mia


Us right before saying goodbye. That was tough.


And here is me with my pickles, ice cream and pineapple juice. :)

New followers

For those who have recently started following me, THANK YOU!! Please introduce yourself and if you have a blog, please let me know! I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to check it out and your story! I love finding and supporting others going through this. So, please, please introduce yourself!! Thank you for following!!!

Pictures of the embies and some answers **second post of the day**

Here are the pictures of our embies and our first ultrasound picture!!




I've been asked a few questions, so I best answer them. :)

Did Kami actually donate her embryos? Yes! She sure did. She and her husband, Steve, very selflessly donated their embryos and we legally adopted them. The fact that they chose us is an amazing thing and such a tremendous opportunity. It truly is amazing to us and we owe them so much. Thanks just doesn't do it. And we are so blessed that we got to meet Kami and the twins. So amazing. I know I've said amazing like a dozen times, but I just can't help it! Love you Kami, Sam and Mia and miss you TONS AND TONS!!

Are you going to POAS before the beta? No clue. I'm very scared to. I guess I've peed on so many sticks and have been heartbroken so much that I'm scared to. I really don't know. Maybe I'll get the courage on Saturday, but to be honest, I'm very, very nervous and scared. I don't want to lose any babies and I'm so scared.

How are you feeling? I'm feeling pretty good! Shoot! :) I had a lot of bloating for a few days after the transfer but that was about it. I've had a headache for the last few days but Mark has been really sick with a virus, so the headache could be me coming down with something. Honestly, my mind has been messing with me so much that I can pretty much make up any symptoms at this point. :)

Thanks so much everyone! Your support means the world. I'm still trying to get caught up on blogs! I'm thinking of you all!!

More pictures!!!

Here are more pictures!! I will be uploading the video of the transfer later today!


Here is Mark trying to get away from my mom and the camera


Here is Mark excitedly telling me that my mom wasn't able to get a picture of him. Little did he know my mom got one! :)


Eating at Recipes. It's the good luck spot, right Kami? :)



In the waiting room before we got called back for the transfer. I barely got these pictures taken!


Mark and I before the transfer


My mom and I before the transfer

No pictures during but that's because we got every single moment on video!!!



Back at the hotel after the transfer. This is where I spent much of my time the next couple days!


Our little shorts for the nuts my mom made. We love you guys!!! We miss you so much Hazelnut but we know you're singing with the angels! We can't wait to meet you in heaven some day! We know you're watching over us until then!!


Playing cards with my brother and mom. They were so sweet to make the bed rest go by faster. Thank you!! Love you guys!

We ordered Chinese the night of the transfer and I kid you not, these were Mark's and my fortunes:

Mine: You will pass a difficult test that will make you happier.

Mark's: Your present plans are going to succeed.

Here are pictures of when we got the fortunes:




I still have to scan the picture of our embies and the ultrasound picture. I'll try to do that later today when I post the video. :) They are the most precious, beautiful babies ever! :)

The TRANSFER!!

Now it's the good stuff :)

04/09/10

Today we woke up bright and early at 5:30. We had to be at the clinic by 6:30 for our labs and u/s. I had barely signed in before they called me back. They drew my blood, took my temp and blood pressure. Then they took me back to get my ultrasound where I finally met the doctor, Dr. Miller, and the nurses I've been talking to for so long including Becky, Rene, Dee and Denise. They are soooo sweet! Rene took us into another room to sign consent forms.

Then, Rene recommended us going to eat at Recipes, so we did. It turns out that was where Kami and her mom went after her transfer, so we're thinking it's good luck. :) Mark and I each had french toast while my mom had pancakes. Then we went back to the hotel to rest. We had been told we should come back at 10, so we laid down for awhile.

Then they called us at 8 to let us know we could come back anytime and that things looked great! Holy cow!

So, we headed back and once again, they brought us back right away. I hardly got to take a picture!

We all got dressed up in our fancy scrubs and Dr. Miller came in with a picture of our embryos. There he told us we had 2 good embies to transfer but they had to thaw out 3 to get them. That broke my heart. I know there is a reason, but that was a hard reality. It definitely felt like a loss to me.

But we turned our focus on our 2 babies and our miracle of them!

They walked me back to the transfer room where they had me lay on the table. Dr. Miller and 2 nurses came in. There were 2 monitors. One was an ultrasound of my uterus showing the catheter bringing the embies into their home. The second monitor showed the embies going into the catheter. It was amazing to see the embies like that. They were so very tiny.

After the transfer, I was moved onto a stretcher and then wheeled back to the Recovery Room. There I laid flat for 20 minutes. During this time, I called my therapist and let her know. She has been such a huge part of all this that I wanted to for sure tell her right away. We cried together and I cried about our third embryo but like my therapist said, maybe this was so the third one won't be so lonely. That helps me feel better, but it's still hard.

After 20 minutes, I was able to pee and then we were discharged. We were told to rest for the rest of the day. We had already decided we were going to rest for a couple days, so that was no problem. :)

I got into bed and Mark sat by me while we watched "Spiderman" and I made a ton of calls! :)

I was able to play cards with my mom and brother which was fun. They made it not so boring for me. :)

I also got to talk to Tyler, Peyton and Adelaide which was really nice. I explained that I was pregnant with twins and that we would know in a week if they were going to stay in my tummy or go to heaven. Tyler wanted to know immediately if they were boys or girls. :) He preferred boys, but he said it really didn't matter.

Adelaide called after I had left a message for them and she immediately said "I love you babies!". It was soooooo precious!!

Here are a few pictures of the day. I promise to upload more plus the videos tomorrow! But, here are some!


My brother before we left....being soooo supportive!


I wore my "Baby on Board" shirt for the transfer. :) Look familiar Michelle? :) I bought this shirt from Michelle during her adoption fundraiser


Mark and I before we left


Mark and my mom before we left



Walking into RMA


The RMA building


Checking in


Getting my blood taken



At the ultrasound



Signing the consent forms. Mark was pretending to not smile :)