Hitting rock bottom

I honestly inwardly debate with myself whenever I write "honest" posts. Should I or shouldn't I? Sometimes they are well received and other times I get bashed for them. Sometimes, both. But writing my feelings out is therapeutic for me and helpful and most of all I want Hannah to know it's okay to have some feelings and be honest about them.

Mark and I have been married for over 15 years now. As most everyone knows, included in marriage vows is "till death do us part" and "in sickness and in health".

Mark was very sick when we got married. We moved the wedding up because he was so sick. I don't think anyone at our wedding didn't realize what they were there to witness. I heard from quite a few people that we would be lucky if we made it to our 5-year anniversary---and I agreed. I secretly was hoping to at least make it 5 years. I didn't even honestly think that was possible as we had just found out a few weeks before the wedding that Mark's heart was failing---something we didn't tell anyone until after the wedding.

Yeah, it wasn't looking good and when I repeated to Mark "in sickness and in health", I squeezed his hands and choked out the words with tears in my eyes.

And I took them seriously.

I knew I would never leave him.

That being said, I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it.

I can picture all the shocked gasps.

Let me repeat, that when I took my vows, I took them seriously. I knew I would never, ever leave Mark. We've been through a lot the last 15 years and struggled a lot. I believe we've been tested many, many times. We've hit rock bottom.

And yet we've made it through.

I've recently read about a wife caring for her husband who had cancer. She was so tired of caring for him and ended up beating him to death. She is now serving life in prison. One reporter was quoted as saying "All she had to do was wait a few months and he would've died from the cancer. I don't know what she was thinking". I do. You hit rock bottom. You're exhausted. You're scared. You don't know what to do anymore, especially if you aren't getting help.

While I certainly don't support what she did and certainly wouldn't do what she did....I get it. I get why she did what she did. My heart feels for her, while of course, feeling for her husband who suffered a terrible death in the hands of someone he thought loved him.

I also recently heard of a man who committed suicide after taking care of his wife for 2 years who suffered a traumatic brain injury. From what I understand, it was so hard to see his wife going through what she was doing and he wasn't getting help. He had hit rock bottom. While so many saw him as being selfish, few others felt for him. I was one who felt for him. While I know I would never kill myself....I get how he got to that point. My heart is so broken for him and his wife.

I so get it. I get that "rock bottom" feeling. While the whole world judged these people, I was among the minority who understood and felt compassion for these people. To clarify, I would never take the route they did, never. But I get how you feel you just can't handle anymore.

I know what it's like to feel so overwhelmed that even the smallest things, like brushing your teeth, is overwhelming.

I know what it's like to take a shower just so you can have a good cry without anyone else knowing.

I know what it's like to feel so alone even when the phone is ringing off the hook and texts are pouring in.

I know what it's like to punch a wall because you're faced with the most difficult decision of whether or not to put your spouse in a nursing home, and you are so scared to make a decision.

Yes, I've had fleeting thoughts of leaving Mark, of what my life would be like if I hadn't married him. The truth is, I can't imagine life any other way. It gets hard. It gets trying. I've yelled at Mark. I've cried many tears in sadness, frustration, guilt, you name it. I've hit rock bottom only to somehow claw my way back.

I wouldn't have it any other way because I'm not living my life for me---I'm living it for God.

While I admit things are far from easy and many times I've felt like throwing in the towel, there is a side of me that no matter how hard it is, I won't give up. I love Mark and I love God. Do I wish things were easier? Yes. Do I get mad? Of course. Do I get down about it? More than anyone knows.

But when I hear about the stories like the ones above, I understand. I get it. I can be their voice. Maybe that's part of what I'm supposed to do. Maybe that's part of what God's purpose is for my life--Show and tell others what it's like.

Life is hard. But if you hit rock bottom, there is always someone who has been there and someone who gets it. They will be the ones who can help you find a way back up.

And life is sooooo worth it. There may be hard times but there are also good times.

The whole family

Mark's oldest son lives about 9 hours away so we very seldom get to see him. I think the last time he was home was a couple years ago.

But last week he came home and we were very lucky to spend some time with him. It was so nice to have the whole family together.


Mark and his 3 kids.



The whole family



The 3 kids. Hannah was NOT very cooperative for this picture. I think we took 20 pictures and at one point all of us were yelling at her to cooperate. :)

Our local fair

Our local fair is just down the road from us---literally just down the road. For about a week every summer, there is more traffic and noise than I can ever imagine. It's crazy!

And yet so fun. :)

Hannah just loves it. For months after the fair, she keeps asking to go back. If it were up to her the fair would be open all year round. I'm more than happy with the 4 days a year it's open.

Here are some pictures from the fair:


She loved going on the rides with Mommy. I was so sore for days after. I must be getting old!



She loved seeing all the animals and of course posing as them. :)



My parents had their farm toy business there and Hannah loved "helping" when she could. :)



Hannah was so excited that Daddy was able to come to the fair a couple days.



Hannah and Peyton just had to get crazy fair hair. :)



Hannah was so excited that Chuck E. Cheese was at the fair and wanted a picture so bad. :)



Hannah was excited to see Olaf!




Hannah even got to clog on stage at the fair. :)

Gotcha Day 2016 pictures

I realize I never posted our photos from our day. So a month later, I'll post our adventures for that day :)

We asked Hannah what she wanted to do and she said she wanted to see animals and play on a playground.

So we went to our nearby Fawn-Doe-Rosa where they have a ton of animals there. I realize later that I only got pictures of her with the deer. But honestly the deer were her favorite animals anyway. :)



Next after a lunch at the Dairy Queen, we dropped off Daddy at home so he could get some rest. I took Hannah to her favorite playground, Angels Island.



We topped off the day with a picnic and lots of fun and laughs with friends. It was such an amazing day. We are so blessed and so grateful for this day!