Letter to Hannah

Our dearest Hannah Banana,

I can’t believe in a few short weeks you’ll be here. We’ve waited 8 long years for you to come. You have at least 10 brothers and sisters in heaven. We’ve been through such a roller coaster of emotions and so much sadness in the last 8 years.

But you know what? I know the minute I see your face, I’ll know it was all worth it. Like someone said, those 8 years will seem like 8 seconds. I can’t wait to look into your eyes, hear your first cry, hold you so close and whisper to you that I’m your mommy. I can’t wait to see your first smile, even if it is just gas. I can’t wait to tell you how much you’re loved.

Do you know how much people have done for you? So many people love you already. You’re the luckiest little girl in the whole world. Everyone has supported us so much to help bring you home. So many people have given to us and it is overwhelming. God has blessed us tremendously. You have shown so many the power of God and the power of miracles. You are the most faithful angel and I’m so proud to be your mommy. My heart is glowing with pride.

I can’t wait to share with you how special your birthmother is. We’ve talked to her and we are so grateful to her and we know she loves you so much. I know this is a hard time for her and she is very special to do such a wonderful thing for both you and us. She will always have a special place in our hearts and I know she will have a special place in your heart too.

I know I won’t be the perfect mother. I know I’ll make a ton of mistakes. I know there will be days that I’ll be exhausted. But I also know you won’t have a mommy who loves you more than I do. I know I would give up my life for you and will always be there for you. I think of you every moment of every day. I’m constantly praying for you and your birthmother.

I can’t wait to share with you our journey to bring you home. All the letters I wrote to you and your siblings, the wonderful words people have said, the miracles that God has shown and all about your siblings. Did you know that if your siblings didn’t die in my tummy this year, they would be coming about the same time you’re coming? You have siblings the exact same age in heaven! I can’t wait until we’re all a family together some day.

I love you sweetie. I love you so much more than I ever thought I could. You’ve already brought me so much joy and happiness. You’ve shown me how much people love me and how blessed I am to have the friends and family I do. What a tremendous gift you’ve already given to both your daddy and me.

I can’t wait to meet you and see your perfect self. Until then, I’m only a prayer and thought away.

Love,
Mommy

To our precious nuts

To our precious nuts,

It’s hard to believe that I would have been in my second trimester with you guys. You would have had a beating heart, fingerprints, a tongue. I know I would be soon finding out if you were a boy, girl or one of each.

I sit here and struggle with words to tell you how much I miss you. I know you guys couldn’t be happier. I know you’re standing in the most glorious place ever surrounded by so many people who love you. I know you’re being hugged and loved so much by your grandpa and great-grandparents. You’re so blessed to be in their presence and I know they are taking such wonderful care of you and your life couldn’t be better.

The truth is, though, we miss you. We miss you so much some days it hurts.

We know things happen for a reason. We know God has plans for the good of us and not plans to hurt. But, I admit some days I wonder how these plans can’t possibly hurt.

Some days are easier than others. Some days I know I couldn’t provide you a better life than you have now and I know you’re more than okay. Some days I can do research on adoption and be excited about it and know that we can provide a baby a good home with loving parents. Some days I can be happy.

Other days, I realize the reason we are pursuing adoption is because we lost you guys and it breaks my heart.

It’s the milestones that hurt the most. When I hit yet another “week mark”, when I know that I would have been in my second trimester, when others are hearing their baby’s heartbeat and I would have been there too, when others are preparing the nursery and I would have been there too, when I’m just not there and I know I would have been.

Some say I need to focus on the future and “forget” about the past. How in the world do people expect me to “forget” about my children? I can’t. I just can’t do it. You guys will always be a part of me. I will always think of what “could” have been.

I know that we have adoption and I’m excited about that. I really am. I also know that I will never forget you guys for as long as I live. When we adopted you guys, we grew 3 hearts, one for each of you. For each child, we’ve grown another heart and when we adopt, we will grow another heart. But you guys will always have a heart in us.

We love you guys so much. You’re constantly in our hearts and minds. There isn’t a day we don’t think about our very precious nuts.

With so much love,
Mommy

To my babies

Dear Peanut, Hazelnut and Lugnut,

Today would have been my due date, possibly the day we would’ve taken you home, possibly you would be home already, in my arms, and quite possibly you could still be in my tummy waiting to make your appearance.

Instead, you’re in heaven, in Jesus’ arms, smiling, laughing, and singing with the angels.

I’ll never forget the day you came into our lives. I remember exactly where I was and the time of day that I was sitting at the computer reading the e-mail from Kami asking us if we would like to adopt you guys. I remember the shock, the joy, nervousness and excitement and the tears as I ran to give your daddy the news. And the expression on your daddy’s face, the hope that I hadn’t seen in a long time.

I remember your sisters being born. It was such a glorious day. I felt like a proud auntie when Sam and Mia were born. I started daydreaming about the day you guys reunited with your sisters and the joy we would all feel.

And then the trip to Michigan where we finally met you after months of waiting. First, it was the tears when we found out that you, Hazelnut, didn’t survive the thaw. Then, it was the tears of joy as we watched you, Peanut and Lugnut, being transferred to me. It was the most amazing feeling as I was being wheeled out and then calling a friend and actually saying the words “I’m pregnant!”

Then, meeting your genetic mother. I’ll never forget seeing her for the first time. I couldn’t stop crying. I hugged her and I couldn’t let her go. I knew at that moment that she loved us all so very much and I knew how blessed we all were to have her in our lives. We were a family.

For the next 2 weeks, I felt like the most proud mother ever. I had 2 beautiful, precious babies inside of me. No one could tell me that I wasn’t pregnant for those 2 weeks because I saw you guys being transferred to me. I know at some point in those 2 weeks you guys passed away inside me but I also know I was pregnant with twins and I was so unbelievably proud.

Words can’t describe how devastated we were when we found out you guys wouldn’t be here with us on Earth.

As I think about what “could’ve been”, my hear t feels like it’s in a million pieces. Sometimes the lump is so big in my throat that it hurts to even breathe. Sometimes I’ll stand in the shower and just sob because the water from the shower can drown out those sobs. Sometimes I get angry. I don’t understand why
.
But I know life couldn’t be better for you guys right now. Your life is perfect. And although I’ve never been privileged to see your beautiful smiles and laughs, I’ve also never had to endure the pain of watching your tears and pain.

And I know that when your daddy and I get to heaven, it will be the most joyous reunion. I can just picture you guys running to the gates with Eddie running at your side to greet us. Then I’ll be able to hold you and hug you forever and see those smiles and laughs.

What a precious day that will be.

Until then, you will always be in my heart and never far away from my thoughts and prayers.

I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever and always.

Love,
Mommy

Letter to our angel babies

To our sweet angels,

If my IVF would’ve worked, our due date would’ve been today, July 6. I still remember that day we were given the call and were told you guys, our precious angels, had gone to be with Jesus. We were on our way to a toy show with Grandma and Grandpa when they called on Mommy’s cell phone. I remember having to pull over to the side of the road and Daddy held me for a long time. I remember that exact spot and every time we go by it, I get chills and tear up. That was the spot our lives turned upside down.

I miss you, my precious angels. I think about you guys every day. I know you guys are so happy and are safe up in heaven, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I wish you were here with your daddy and I. I get sad some days, so very, very sad.

But, I’m so grateful for the time we did have together. All the ultrasounds, the appointments, learning about you guys and how you were growing. We were able to spend quite a bit of time getting to know you guys and what to expect. And thank you so much, our angels, for giving Daddy and I such precious time together as we created you. We got to spend a lot of extra time together driving to the appointments and the retrieval and we are so grateful for that.

I am so sad you guys aren’t here with us. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish you were here. Some days it hurts so bad to think about it and just to breathe hurts. The pain is so unbearable sometimes.

But, there are days I realize how lucky we are to have created you guys and how lucky we are to be parents to 4 precious angels. You guys have changed our lives so much. We have seen the goodness of so many people because of you guys. We met our donor egg angel, Stacey, 2 Megans who have been through donor egg/embryo cycles and your Daddy got to go down to Texas and spend time with your cousin Amy and her kids. And now we’ve gotten to witness the most precious, unselfish, miraculous gift Kami and Steve could ever give. We never would have experienced these experiences if you guys hadn’t been in our lives for such a short period of precious time. We have experienced miracles because of you guys, our miracle babies.

And there have been times where I know you guys have been there. Other people may think your mommy is looking too much into it and think I’ve lost my mind….and they may be right….but I know in my heart, you guys were there and had some part in it. Like when our friend paid for our bill at the restaurant for Mother’s Day and the time the baby bunny was under our angel tree. You guys had a part in that, didn’t you? Thank you for showing us you are here and that you are real.

To be honest, I thought this day would be harder than it was. Instead of focusing on what I’ve lost, I’ve been focusing on what I have and what precious gifts you guys have given your daddy and me. I can’t thank you guys enough for all you’ve shown and given to us.

I know you’re in heaven and there’s no greater place to be. I know it’s only a short time until your daddy, I and the 4 of you finally have our family reunion. I know when we get to heaven, you guys will be waiting for us at heaven’s gates and I can’t wait to hug you guys and hold you for eternity.

We love you guys and miss you guys so much. Until we meet in heaven, we’re always thinking of you guys and loving you so very much.

Love
Mommy and Daddy

The day we got the news

The letter I wrote to the babies

What I wrote to family and friends shortly after our cancelled transfer


Stimulation day 7


Stimulation day 10


Stimulation day 11


In memory of our 4 angels

Letter to the babies

**I know this is always a touchy subject. We believe once fertilization takes place, there is life. Some disagree and that's okay! Some may not believe we had 4 babies, but we do and what's important is what we believe.**

To our babies,

The day we started our IVF, I looked forward to knowing you were inside my tummy and hoping and praying that in 9 months you would be born healthy and happy.

I'm sad it didn't turn out that way we had hoped but I'm happy you guys are in heaven and safely sitting on Jesus' lap.

I don't regret doing the IVF at all. Your daddy and I loved going to the ultrasounds and watching those follies grow. We knew we were watching our babies grow. Every shot, bruise and all the side effects were worth being able to see you guys.

I regret that I didn't get more pictures at the ultrasounds. If I would have known those were the only pictures I would have of you guys, I would have had them print out as many as they could every time we went in.

I also regret that I was never able to have that feeling of knowing you guys were in my tummy. I never had the feeling of "being pregnant until proven otherwise". I really wish I could have had that chance and I'm sad that I wasn't able to. In some ways I feel like I failed you as your mommy because I wasn't able to get to that final step where you would know you were so loved and where you could feel the warmth of love from my tummy and heart.

I wish I could have done more. I feel like a bad mommy because I wasn't there to protect you. I feel like I should have driven down to the lab on Saturday when there was still a little hope. As your mommy, I feel I should have been there. I know there was nothing I could do, but as your mommy, I wanted to protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't do more. I hope you know how many people were praying for you guys. We have so many friends and family who love us. There was so much love around you guys that day.

Please know that even though we only had you guys in our lives for a few days, for those few days, we had so much hope and love and we couldn't stop thinking about you guys. We wouldn't give that up for anything.

I know one day we'll see each other again. I know Jesus is holding you tight in His arms until Daddy and I see you again. I know you guys are in the best hands you can be, but I'm jealous that Jesus gets to hold you before I do.

I know Jesus has a plan and I know you guys know that, too. Jesus has probably already shared it with you. I know you don't understand why I'm so sad when Jesus has such great plans for me. I know it's hard to understand. As much as I know it'll all work out for the best, I miss you guys and I really wish I could just hold you-just once.

I'd do this all over again if we had another chance. I'd do it in a heartbeat and I'd do as many shots as I needed to. I would just make sure I would get more pictures at the ultrasounds and I would ask more questions to the nurse during it so I could see you guys longer--just in case those were the only times we would get to know you.

There isn't a day your daddy and I don't think about you guys. Our hearts ache and we have never felt this kind of pain. We know you don't want us to be sad and it's hard to understand why we can be so sad when you guys are so happy. We are just hurting knowing we can't see or feel you every day. I guess you can say you have a selfish mommy and daddy.

Please watch over us our dear angels. Show us the way to go next. Please give us the strength to be able to carry on. We miss you and love you more than you can ever know and we can't wait to see you guys and hold you in our arms.

With all my love forever,
Mommy

Memo to the Peanut

To: Our Peanut
From: Mommy

I can't believe it's almost here! In a couple weeks, you'll be in my tummy. Can you believe it? I hope God chooses to let you stay on Earth with Daddy and I. If He chooses to take you home to heaven, Daddy and I will be very sad, but we trust God and know He knows what's best for you, me and Daddy.

These last few weeks have been tough, Peanut. I've had to do a lot of shots and my tummy is sore. But you know what? It's worth it--every shot and every pain--because I know it brings us closer to you. Daddy's been giving me the shots and he's so good at it. He's so protective of me and doesn't like to hurt me. I can tell already he's going to be a great protective daddy and he loves you so much already.

Daddy and I love going to our ultrasounds. We know that one of those follicles will be you! It's the best feeling to see you. We've prayed so much for this moment and it's more than we could have ever imagined. Daddy and I have gotten so much closer, Peanut. We get to spend more time together during the shots and all the drives to the doctors. For the first time since trying to have you, we've felt this is truly an effort with both Daddy and I. Thank you for helping us have that experience.

We love you Peanut, more than we could ever imagine. We pray everything goes smoothly and we pray you'll be safely in my tummy and you will be able to spend your life here with us on Earth. We've wanted you for so long and can't believe it's almost time for your arrival! We can't wait to see you and meet you. You mean so much to us already and have brought so much joy to our lives.

I'll try to make my tummy as cozy as possible so you can make your home there for the next 9 months.

With all my love, hugs and kisses forever and ever.

Memo from the Peanut

To: Mommy and Daddy
From: The Peanut

I'm still here Mommy and Daddy! I know it sometimes feels like I'm so far away, but I'm never farther than a beat of your heart.

Daddy, I know you pray for me and think of me every day. I can feel it. Thank you, Daddy. Your love for me and your urge to hold me in your arms is so strong and I'm so proud you're my daddy.

Mommy, I know you hard you've worked to help bring me to your tummy. You've done so much work and it just shows me how much you love me and want the best for me.

I know some days are harder than others. I've seen you cry so many times. And, Mommy, I've seen you get so mad at those sticks you pee on and throw them on the floor. It's okay, Mommy. God understands. It's hard to be patient. But, you know what? I'm okay right now. I'm sitting on God's lap and He tells me stories about you guys. Daddy, you sure were a wild child and Mommy, you weren't so innocent either. But God tells me that you guys are going to be the best parents and that I'm so loved already, not just loved by you guys but loved by so many people. I'm so lucky.

Hang in there, Mommy and Daddy. Be strong. Lean on each other through the tough times. God will let me come when the time is right. Until then, He's taking good care of me and protecting me.

I love you and I know how much you love me. Hold onto the hope and faith. I can't wait to give you guys smiles and kisses and hold your strong fingers with all my little hand can.

Memo from the peanut

To: Mommy
From: Your little Peanut

I know you're having a rough week. It's been very emotional for you, Mommy. I can't believe it's already been a year since you started with the "assisted" procedures.

I know you wonder if I'll ever come to you. I've seen you not being able to sleep because you think about me. I've seen you cry, sometimes without warning and sometimes uncontrollably, because I'm not there with you.

I know your heart breaks because you thought for sure I would be with you by now. Your dream was to have me with you at Disneyworld and take lots of pictures of me with Mickey Mouse. And I see your fresh tears every time you think of it and I know you feel like a failure.

You're not a failure, Mommy. And you have so many people who love you. God loves you. Daddy loves you. Grandma and Grandpa love you. Tyler, Peyton and Adelaide love you. And you have so many friends who love you. We all love you so much that you could never be a failure to us. Your strength and love for all of us makes you our hero.

And I'll be there when you're in Disneyworld, whether it be in your tummy or your heart. And when I get older, we can always go back, can't we? Maybe after my brother or sister is born after me? Maybe in a few more years? Okay, maybe I'm pushing it a little.

I know it's hard to believe it's already been a year. I know it seems like such a waste, Mommy, but it's not. I've seen how your life has changed and how much you've grown. Your life is touched with every passing month and in so many ways. So, how can that be a waste?

I know you feel like a bad mommy because you'll be taking the next month off, but you're not. You need to, Mommy. You deserve some mommy time and some mommy/daddy time. Do something special with each other and love each other. I promise I'm not going anywhere! I'm waiting until God tells me it's the right time. I'm trying to be patient. I know God knows when the right time is.

I can see how much you love me. Thank you Mommy. I know I already have a closet full of baby stuff. I love all the Precious Moments items you and Daddy have gotten for me. And I love the Cadillac Daddy bought for me. I know he's so proud of it and is excited about my first car. Daddy loves me a lot, too, doesn't he?

It's okay to cry and be sad, Mommy. Just don't forget how much your life has changed and how many people love you. And, I'm still coming. God just says it's not the right time.

I love you with all my little heart can hold.

Memo from the Peanut

To: Mommy and Daddy
From: Your little Peanut

Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks, right Mommy?

I know you've had a rough week. I know you found out I couldn't come to you this month and you found out on Grandpa's birthday. You were hoping Grandpa would send me to you. I know it's disappointing that I wasn't able to come to you. I cried, too. But don't worry about me. Grandpa's taking good care of me and we're having fun. He's teaching me lots of fun things. You might not approve, but it sure is fun!

I saw how sad you were when you found out Michelle had to say good-bye to her peanut. I know Michelle and Nick are so sad and miss their little peanut very much. Can you tell them that their peanut is safely in Jesus' arms and will always be there with them in their hearts? I think that will help them feel better.

And on top of all that, I know Daddy has a scare of Scottie Jr. (kidney) having trouble. Don't worry, Mommy. He'll be okay. He's always gotten through these scares.

I know every month hurts really bad. But I see how close you guys get every month, Mommy and Daddy. You grieve together and you get through it together. It's really nice to see how close you guys have gotten and you guys are going to be the best mommy and daddy.

I know you guys have a lot of hard decisions to make and it's going to be a hard road, but you have so many people and friends who are there for you and support you. This road is really tough but we'll get there as a family and I'll be worth it, I promise.

Oh, and can you tell Auntie Danielle and Uncle Matt not to get rid of their high chair now that Peyton is out of it? I'm coming--really!

I love you with all my heart. Don't give up on me!

Memo from the Peanut

To: Mommy and Daddy
From: Your little Peanut

It's getting closer mommy and daddy! I get so excited with each passing day as I know it means we're getting closer to the time we'll be together.

I watched you guys in Hawaii and you had so much fun. I saw how relaxed you were, mommy. And, daddy, I saw more smiles and laughs than I have in a long time. I was so happy to see you guys had such a great time. I know you needed that trip and you deserved it.

Mommy and daddy, I know you have a lot of hope for this next month and I do too. Mommy, I know you've seen signs that give you hope and faith. Believe in them. God works in mysterious ways and He wants you to know that He loves you and is there and He'll use ways to show you He cares.

I know the waiting and struggling is hard, but it makes you strong and it's going to make you better parents to me. You guys are going to be the best mommy and daddy ever! And I know when it's all over and I'm safely in your arms, you'll say all the pain was worth it.

I love you and God loves you. And I know you guys love us both very much. One day we'll know why it's taking so long for me to come to you, but there is a reason and I know you know that.

Until I come to your tummy, mommy, I'm always in your heart.

Memo to the Peanut

To: The Peanut
From: Mommy

Did you have a nice Christmas Peanut? I bet Christmas in heaven is wonderful. We had a great Christmas, although I have to admit, I wanted you here to celebrate it with even though I know you had a wonderful Christmas with Jesus. But, it just wasn't the same without you. I hope and pray next Christmas will be with you in my arms.

Do you know what is feels like to love someone you've never even met? To think of someone all the time, every second of every day? To cry uncontrollably because that someone isn't here for you to hold? To want someone so bad you'd do anything? That's the way I feel about you Peanut. I love you so much. I know it's just a matter of time before you, me and daddy are together, but it's so hard to wait. I feel like there's a huge hole in my heart that needs to be filled and only you can fill it. I love you so much that I can't imagine loving anybody or anything more.

I love you more and more every day and I miss you. You're on my mind all the time....when I'm eating, driving, working...anything. I watched the first snow of the season come down and wished you were here to see it. I fell on Christmas and got bruised up pretty good and you know what my first thought was? I was so worried I had hurt our peanut....and you aren't even in my tummy yet. Crazy, huh? But, that's what I think about all the time...you. Some people would think I've lost it and would be relieved to know I'm seeing a therapist, but I know my friends who are waiting for their peanuts to come can say they feel the same way and their peanuts are on their minds all the time. When you're waiting to be a mommy or a daddy, you'll understand.

Your daddy and I love you so much. We talk about you all the time. You should see the twinkle in your daddy's eye when we talk about you. We both can't wait. We know it's in God's timing and He knows what's best. It's hard to be patient though sometimes, isn't it?

I hope I didn't use too big of words for you to understand. I'm sorry this was so long. I guess we know where you got your writing ability...we both know it certainly wasn't from daddy. :)

We love you peanut and are anxiously awaiting your arrival.

Memo from the Peanut

To: Mommy and Daddy
From: Your little peanut

Hi mommy and daddy! I know you guys had a great Thanksgiving and had so much fun with Grandma and Grandpa and my aunt, uncles and cousins. We have such a wonderful family, don't we? I can't wait to meet everyone.

Mommy and daddy, I know you're very thankful for everything in your lives and you know how lucky you are. But, I can see, and I'm sure others can too, there's a sadness in your eyes and a missing part in your heart. I know your life feels incomplete without me there, but I'm in your hearts. I'm in every thought and dream. I know you guys talk about me and think about me all the time. It's a wonderful feeling to know I'm loved so much.

I saw you, mommy, as you were watching Tyler and Peyton looking at your Christmas tree and watching the train go around and around. Tyler sure loves that train and Peyton's eyes just glow at those lights. That train looks like so much fun. I could play with that all the time. You have a lot of neat Christmas decorations that I'm gonna have so much fun playing with. I know you won't want me to play with it, but you know I'm gonna. :)

I saw your sad face, mommy, as you were watching Tyler and Peyton. I know you were wishing it were me watching the tree and wondering if it was ever gonna happen. Some day, mommy. It'll happen and you'll look back at this moment and know I was worth it. Have fun with Tyler and Peyton and enjoy them. They're such special cousins and I can't wait to play with them.

I love the Precious Moments ornament you bought for me this year. It's beautiful. I know you think of me every time you look at it, wondering if next year I'll be with you guys. Whenever you miss me, look at the ornament. I'll be right there in your heart.

Our time together is getting closer! Every day is one day closer to our dreams. You guys have so much love for me and God and God wants you guys happy. He knows your desire and love for me and Him.

I know when I come, there's gonna be a big party. You have so many family and friends who love all of us, mommy and daddy. There's gonna be a lot of pictures, isn't there? Have you gotten those sunglasses yet? It's definitely a priority to get. They rank right up there with diapers.

I love you mommy and daddy with all my heart. I'm never far away. I'm always in your hearts, thoughts and dreams. I can't wait until God says it's time for me to come.

Memo from the Peanut

To: Mommy and daddy
From: Your little peanut

Another month has gone by which means a month closer to me coming to you guys! I don't know if this is the month or not, mommy and daddy. God hasn't told me yet, but with each passing day, it gets closer and I can't wait mommy and daddy!!

I know this month started out rough for you, mommy, and I'm sorry. I can see how much you love me, mommy. I know you had to have 4 shots in the behind and I know it was really sore. Maybe if the nurse would've used the Scooby Doo Band-aids, it wouldn't have hurt so much. I've heard those Scooby Doo Band-aids make everything feel better.

And, daddy, I know you've been so sick. I saw you the morning you and mommy went to the hospital and you were having so much trouble breathing. Mommy told you you didn't have to go and you told her it was important and you wanted to go. Then, I saw you throwing up in the sink in the doctor's office. I know how important mommy and I are to you and how much you love us. Aren't we so lucky, mommy?

Mommy, I saw you take a picture of you and daddy in the doctor's office, and I have to side with daddy on this one. Not every situation needs to have a picture, but I know you're a big picture taker. I think I'm gonna need a pair of sunglasses when I come because I know there will be a lot of pictures and a lot of flashes. Make sure you put that on your list of things to buy for me mommy and daddy.

To be honest, I'm a little sad. I had to say goodbye to some of my friends up here. They went to be with their mommies. I know you're very happy, mommy, as their mommies are your friends and want their babies just as bad as you want me. But, I miss my friends. Can you tell them hi for me?

It's getting closer and closer mommy and daddy! I hope it's this month, but if it's not, we're even closer to the time I get to come home to you guys. I'll be sad and I know you will, too, mommy and daddy. But, we'll get there. We're already a family. You're already a mommy and daddy--you're just waiting for me to come. By the way, those lollipops Cindy offered me looked really good. I hope God says this is the month so I can have one. I won't tell you what Cindy said because you might not like it, but it sounds like so much fun!

I love you mommy and daddy. Thank you for loving me so much!

Memo from the Peanut

To: Mommy and Daddy
From: Your little Peanut

I'm so sorry I wasn't able to come to you this month. I could see you crying so hard, mommy. And daddy, I could see the pain in your eyes as you were comforting mommy. I was so sad, too, that God didn't choose this month for me to come to you. I know you get mad at God, mommy, but please don't. He is thinking of what is best for you, daddy and me. I want to come to you, but God says it's not the right time. Every month He says no, I get so sad and even more sad when I see you cry. But don't worry about me. I'm waiting here patiently until my time comes with all the other babies waiting to come. Think of all the freinds you've made, mommy. Your friends' babies are with me and we talk about what great mommies we have and how lucky we are. Can you tell your friends that? I know they get sad, too.

Thank you mommy and daddy for loving me so much. I can tell how much you love me already and I can't wait until God tell me it's time to come. I'm so lucky to have the best mommy and daddy. I can see you with Chad and Peter and how well they've turned out. And I see you with Tyler and Peyton and I see how their little smiles and hugs make your eyes glow. I can't wait to meet my brothers and cousins. Although I'm a little worried because Tyler isn't always real nice to Peyton. I hope he's more gentle with me. Mommy and daddy, can you talk to him about that?

I know you have done so much and tried so many things to have me. Keep trying and don't give up on me! I promise I'll be worth it. You already love me so much. I know you're gonna love me even more when I come and all the tests, money, heartache and emotional pain will seem like a memory. Even my poopy diapers and crying will be worth it.

I'm coming mommy and daddy! Keep praying! One day God will tell me "Peanut, it's time" and I'll be so excited and I know you will too! I'll shower you with hugs, kisses and love. And with each smile, you'll fall in love with me even more. Each smile, cry, laugh, kiss and hug will melt your heart.

I know the wait is hard. It's hard for me, too. But I'm coming and soon we'll all be together. Stay strong, mommy. It's okay to cry and be sad. Be sure to keep your strength up. You're gonna need it when I come. :)

I love you mommy and daddy! Thanks for loving me so much to go through so much for me.