A very special day

On February 5, 2016 I had the honor that I have dreamed about for years.

I prayed with my daughter to ask Jesus into her heart.

We have a book that we read almost every night called "If Jesus Lived Inside Your Heart". We've read it so many times that she almost has it memorized.

I've never pushed it and just read her the story.

On February 5, though, she was in such a giddy, happy mood and at one point when we were reading about Jesus being in your heart, she said "Aw, that's so exciting!".

So I asked her "Would you like Jesus in your heart?"

She nodded and said "Yes, Mommy!"

So we bowed our heads and folded our hands and simply asked Jesus to come into her heart.

It was a moment I'll never forget.

Our church honors this huge decision with a white rose. So on Sunday, February 7, our church had a rose at the front of the church in honor of Hannah. Our pastor prayed for her and his prayer brought tears to my eyes. I can't explain the happiness I felt.

Here are a few pictures of that Sunday:






This is to show she really isn't always that cooperative. :) It was about 15 minutes of poses like this before she would cooperate. :)

An unexpected look at Hannah's birth

The day your child is born is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

I know I was one of the lucky adoptive moms who was fortunate to be in the delivery room when Hannah was born. I was able to feel Hannah kick her birthmother--a moment I'll never forget. I was able to hear Hannah's heartbeat on the monitor. I was able to hold the birthmother's leg as she pushed Hannah into this world. I was the one who cut Hannah's umbilical cord. So many adoptive mothers don't get that opportunity and I did. I feel blessed and very honored I was able to experience that.

But despite all that, I admit it was a day that could be described more as a sad, frustrating and hard day for me rather than happy.

The first couple days when Hannah was born, I never really felt like her mother. It wasn't that people didn't necessarily treat me bad, but there were rights while the birthmother was in the hospital. Everything was up to the birthmother, even after we signed the papers, as long as she was in the hospital. We couldn't see Hannah in the nursery unless the birthmother said it was okay (which of course she always let us see Hannah whenever we wanted to). The birthmother made the choices in regards to getting pictures done, when to feed her, whether to give her a pacifier, etc. Not a big deal but not how I wanted to bring home my baby.

I wanted to be back in Wisconsin, recovering, having my midwife deliver the baby who had done all the IUIs and consults, etc. I didn't want to be states away watching another woman give birth to my baby. I wanted things so different. The first time my closest family met Hannah was Skyping 24 hours after she was born when we legally were Hannah’s parents. We had to Skype next to the birthmother so despite wanting to shout to the world that she was my daughter, I had to refrain any excitement as I didn’t want to hurt her birthmother.

Not an easy situation at all.

Even when Hannah was born and I wanted to start nursing her right away (yes, it's possible--I induced lactation), they wouldn't let me until the birthmother and Hannah were released. I'll never forget when the one nurse said to me "Until they are released from the hospital, the baby isn't yours." She pointed to another nurse and said "It would be like letting her nurse the baby if we let you nurse her".

I wanted to scream, "No it's not like that at all! I'm Hannah's mother!”

I had the joy of being the first one to hold Hannah. That is something I cherish so much. I’ll never forget the moment when they put her in my arms and tears of happiness formed in my eyes as I looked at her perfect, beautiful face. It was just how I had imagined and such a perfect moment.

But then I looked up and saw the birthmother with tears for a very different reason. As she said “Merry Christmas Tammy and Mark”, she started sobbing. Suddenly my tears were for the same reason as hers. I whispered “I’m so sorry” to her as we both grieved her loss together. Suddenly my perfect moment was breaking my heart.

Not the way I envisioned bringing my daughter into this world. To me it should’ve been all tears of happiness and no tears of sadness.

The birthmother experienced some complications and needed to spend an extra night in the hospital. Despite the fact that we had already signed the papers and the birthmother had terminated her rights, we still had no rights. The first night of officially having a daughter, my mom, Mark and I spent the night in the hospital waiting room on the hard, cold floor while our daughter was sleeping in the nursery, rooms away. While we had the option of going home, I was adamant that I was not going to leave my daughter no matter what it entailed.

I admit, it was so hard and such a devastating situation and definitely unexpected for me.

I had the fairy tale vision: We would have the perfect delivery. The baby would be passed to me and I would immediately feel the bond between my daughter and me. Tears of happiness would flow from my eyes. We would sign the papers 24 hours later and we would happily leave the hospital, just like any other parents would. Yes, I knew it would be hard on the birthmother and I knew I would feel sadness for her. But honestly I never realized how much it would affect the whole process. Never would I have realized the roller coaster of emotions I would feel---nothing like I dreamed it would be.

And yet, when I think of that, I think of Mary when she gave birth to Jesus. Here she was about to give birth to God’s son and she gave birth in a stable and her baby was placed in a manger of hay. Obviously, nothing like she was expecting.

We don’t know what Mary was thinking but I’m sure she was panicking when she heard there was no room in Bethlehem. She had obviously never been pregnant. She was in so much pain from the labor. I’m sure she was terrified.
And yet, her experience was uniquely in God’s plan.

Do I wish my experience bringing my daughter into this world was different? Absolutely. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. Probably exactly what Mary was thinking and I’m sure at times she felt so betrayed by God. Couldn’t He make it easy for her?

I’m sure she also felt like she could easily fail and she felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. While I certainly didn’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I certainly felt the need to not let the birthmother down. I didn’t want to fail her. After all, she was giving me this daughter to raise and trusting me with something that seems so huge and such a big responsibility. Letting her down wasn’t even an option for me.
I’m sure that was just how Mary felt. She wasn’t going to let God down. Failure was not an option.

No one will ever forget the way Jesus came into this world. Definitely not the way you expect the Son of God to come into this world.

But, it’s not how you come into this world, it’s the impact you have on this world.

While God blessed me by giving me more opportunities than most adoptive parents, I was also shocked at the many negative feelings I felt. Nothing like I expected at all.

But God proved to me that although it wasn’t the way I wanted or expected, I was able to be there for Hannah’s birthmother. I was able to see firsthand the true loss she felt and comfort her. My heart was more open to the hard part of the adoption process---the part that very seldom is ever talked about. The part that I can talk about and share with other adoptive moms to prepare them more.

God had my daughter come into this world in a way that I wasn’t expected and definitely didn’t prefer but ended up being just what I needed so I can be there for the birthmother and other adoptive moms.

It isn’t easy but I’m honored God chose me, just like He chose Mary. It may not be the perfect situation for me but it’s the perfect situation for Him.

I will look back and see that You are faithful

I've started a huge project. I didn't realize it was going to be as huge as it was when I first started.

I've decided to print out my blog, mostly for Hannah's sake. I've printed out years 2007-2010 and this is what it looks like so far:



The picture doesn't really do it justice. I had so many writings in 2009 and 2010 that I had to make 2 volumes.

I've read through the blog and deleted the posts I don't want in there and I've edited some posts so it's been taking a lot of time, not to mention the cost to print it out.

But man it is sooooo worth it.

I'm so glad I blogged and continue to blog. One day I'll give all these books to Hannah and after she falls over from the sheer weight of the books, I know she will be so incredibly grateful I wrote this journey out for her.

One day my goal is to write a book about our journey and I know my blog will help me do that.

Reading it has been emotional for me. Wow did we go through a lot. What a roller coaster we've been through.

When Hannah reads it, she will see her mom struggled. She will see her mom got mad at times--very mad. She will see her mom lost her faith at times, her hope, and sometimes even the will to keep going.

But she will also see God was always there---always.

And even if her mom lost her hope and faith sometimes, it always seemed to come back.

God was and is always faithful.

I have to giggle as back in 2008 when we were still in the IUI process, in one blog post I wrote that I although I secretly really wanted a girl who looked like Mark, at this point I would take any baby in any way we could get one. I just wanted a baby--I wasn't picky anymore.

God gave me my heart's desire. A girl who looks like Mark.

Hannah will read my blog and see how God never left my side. He was faithful. Just like everything in our lives, He is faithful.

She will know it's okay to be impatient. It's okay to get frustrated. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad.

But just know, God will ALWAYS be there. He will always be faithful.

I'm so grateful I can read my blog, look back and see that He is faithful.

A unique experience

To some this may not seem like a big deal but to me, this was huge.

This past weekend Hannah and I did something not too many people are fortunate to be able to do. We both got our hair cut for the purpose of donating it.

At first Hannah was excited to do it but after it was all said and done she was NOT HAPPY. I don't think she really thought she'd have to give away her hair. But as time has gone on and people have been telling her how beautiful her hair is and really living it up, she's been better. :)



Hannah and Mommy before picture


My sweet Hannah


In the chair ready to get her hair cut


The after picture. You can tell Hannah was not happy. This was one of the best pictures we could get and this was after threatening a nap, no Kindle and cutting off more hair. :)


A few hours later, a much happier, calmed down Hannah :)