My turkey day

I wanted to let everyone know that I'm sorry if I came across as complaining on the last post. I definitely know how lucky we are to have coverage like we do because even though we spend a lot more on medical bills with Mark's health problems, we wouldn't be able to continue TTC if we didn't have some coverage on IF so I know we're lucky. :) Mark seems to suck a lot of money with doctor bills and we've always had money issues since we got married because of his health issues, but we always get through it and we're blessed.

Anyway, my turkey day was pretty good. We spent it at my mom and dad's for lunch and then rested the rest of the day. As expected, it was a little hard for me. Basically because I thought it was going to be different this year.

1. I thought I would be 2 months pregnant.
2. I thought I would be puking, tired, bloated, etc.
3. I thought I would have 2 people to eat for.
4. I thought I'd see that glow in Mark's face every time I smiled at him, knowing I had a life growing inside me, a part of both of us.
5. I thought I'd have another reason to be thankful this year.

**I used to say "I should", but I have changed that to "I thought" as the "should" makes it seem like I'm living my plan and "thought" helps me realize to live by God's plan.**

Instead:
1. I'm going through papers for a donor IVF cycle because apparently I have scrambled eggs.
2. I've cried more tears in the last few weeks than I have in a long time.
3. I was able to lift the heavy items on Black Friday (although I think my mom was thankful for that. :))
4. I don't see the glow in Mark's eyes, just disappointment.

However, I do have more reasons to be thankful this year, especially since our failed IVF.
1. I've met more people and gotten closer to more people this year.
2. I'm thankful for donors because without them, I may not be able to carry my child.
3. I'm thankful for my husband who is always there for me and always encouraging me.
4. I'm thankful for my mom and dad who have provided for Mark and I the past month so much even when they are going through a lot themselves.
5. I'm thankful I was able to find out that I touched someone through our story in a way that they gave so much to us, someone I didn't even realize knew our story. It's an amazing feeling.
6. I'm thankful I was able to put some of my writings together and hopefully help others and encourage them. Without the failed IVF, I wouldn't have done that.
7. I'm thankful I've had almost 200 hits on my blog for my writings and the first thing they see is how much we're blessed and how much we love God. Again, without the failed IVF, that wouldn't have happened.

So, I have been very blessed---a lot through this year but even more so since the failed IVF. Not that I don't wish things were different...of course I do. But, looking on the bright side is something I definitely want to do. :)

Ramblings

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! As expected, mine was a little emotional, but I expected that. More on that later.

I found out Wednesday night that our insurance doesn't cover donor services. I expected that. They will cover anything to do with me, but nothing with the donor. However, we have a high deductible plan and ART is out of network, so we have to pay $5000 before anything is covered and then we have an infertility max of $5000. So, we figure of a donor IVF cycle, we have to pay at least $15,000-16,000 out of pocket.

Okay, I'm not complaining. I know we're lucky to have some insurance coverage so I'm blessed to have that. A lot of people don't have that so I know we're blessed. I guess I'm down because we're still paying off this last no-good IVF cycle but I know other people are in the same boat. And, yes, I know when we have a baby that we'll have MUCH more expenses, but in my mind (and maybe I'm wrong), when you have a baby, you get to watch where your spent money goes and to someone you love more than anything and you'd give the world to so your money is so well spent. With IVF and infertility, the huge amount of money you spend is for a "chance" to have that and so money becomes more of an issue. Does that make sense?

Also, with Mark's health issues, we have more expenses than most people. Mark has a max out of pocket for insurance of $2500 every year and we usually meet that by the end of FEBRUARY just in his meds. And with the meds, you have to pay within that month or suffer the late fees unlike with hospitals/clinics where you can pay small monthly payments with no fees. So, we have to budget every year knowing we have to pay $2500 in 2 months. He also has quite a few meds that aren't covered and that is about $50 a month.

Okay, it sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I hardly ever mention the money we spend on Mark because to me, it's sooooo worth it. To be able to watch my husband live each day when the odds were against him living past the age of 20....well, I'd spend any money for that.

I guess I'm a little discouraged right now after talking with our insurance company but things always work out. I'm very blessed for what I do have and I know it could always be worse. We are very lucky to have what we do and God always provides for us. It's amazing.

I guess I just needed to get things out and write them down so thanks for listening. :)

Oh, and check out my poll on the right! I'd love to hear your honest opinions and thanks to those who have already voted!! We already know what we're doing but we'd love to hear your opinions!

I hope you all are having a GREAT weekend! :)

The coolest thing at our house

The other day, our oldest was visiting us. He needed a fingernail clipper so I went to get him one.

Tammy: Well, you've got a decision to make. We have 3. One has a holder on the bottom, one has a straight cut, one has a curved cut.

Chad (looking slightly bewildered): Tammy, all I wanted is a fingernail clipper.

Tammy: Yes, I know Chad, but I must make you happy. Which one would you like?

Chad: What's the holder thing?

Tammy: That's to hold the clippings so they don't go everywhere.

Chad: Huh. I'll try that one.

Several moments later:

Chad: Wow! This thing is so cool! It can hold the clippings and it doesn't make a mess and you just dump it out! This is so cool! I need to get one of these! Where do you find one of these?

Tammy: Uh, Chad, pretty much anywhere. Really, Chad, I don't think it's too uncommon.

Chad: Cool! I'm so excited to get one!

And, trust me, he didn't stop talking about it until he left. I guess we know what to get him for Christmas. :)

I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving!!

Prayers needed

I have a friend, Amy, who I met back in 2001 when both our husbands were waiting for kidney transplants. Her husband received a kidney about a year after Mark did. Her husband has already rejected his kidney and hasn't been doing good. This morning, I got this e-mail and it broke my heart:

Joe's not doing well at all. Every time he seems to take a step forward, he takes five steps back. He's now on hemodialysis because the PD wasn't working, and he's having severe pain at the site of the transplanted kidney. A CT scan showed swelling on the transplant kidney. His doc gave him high doses of prednisone, and if that doesn't work then the kidney will have to be removed. Needless to say, Joe isn't working, and things are looking bleak for us.

You're in our prayers. I hope you get good news soon. Please keep Joe in your prayers, too.

Hugs,
Amy

They have 2 little boys so she's got her hands full.

Please ahead over to her blog Author Amy Clipston and just say a kind word or say a prayer for their family. You might want to say you're from my blog so she knows where you're coming from so it doesn't freak her out or something. :) But, I can't imagine what they are going through and I know prayers are needed right now.

It makes me so grateful Mark is doing as well as he is and hasn't rejected his kidney. I can't imagine going through that. We are sooooo grateful.

Thanks guys! Just a simple "thinking of you" or "praying for you" would be awesome and make her day. Thank you so much!! It would mean a lot to me!

Question that drives me CRAZY!!

I hope I don't offend anyone by this post. That's definitely not my intention by any means so please forgive me. This is my blog and my place to vent, so I'm going to do that.

I've been asked this quite a bit the last few days: "Have you guys ever thought about adoption?"

GRRR! Okay, so yes, I know they are just trying to help and are giving good advice and mean well. But, in my mind when people ask that, I feel like they are giving up on us having our own child and me carrying the baby. And we've been trying since 2003....of course we've thought about adoption. Doesn't every infertile couple think about it? I mean it's one of the options of an infertile couple so of course you think about it. Whether or not it's something you want to do, can afford or are able to, that's different.

And people somehow have the idea that adoption is a guarantee of a baby. Yeah, you have a good chance, but I've seen quite a few of my blogger friends go through heartache when looking into that and it's by no means a "guarantee".

I know that if that's the way God wants us to go, He will prepare our hearts. Right now, with Mark's health, it's not an option for us on different levels. And it's not in our hearts. NOT THAT I DON'T THINK IT'S A GREAT OPTION!!!! If I was single, I would seriously think about it because I do think it's a great option. I've seen some of my friends fulfill their dream through adoption and I think it's awesome.

To be asked if we've thought about it is DRIVING ME MAD! I'm tired of explaining it to people. I'm tired of people not understanding. I'm tired of people "giving up" on us.

Any opinions/advice?

I would also like to add that we received a wonderful donation yesterday that touched our hearts. I know this person reads my blog from time to time and I hope she sees this. I know she was faced with a similar situation as us and understands what we are going through and that means a lot that she thought of us. I wanted to say thank you so much. You're an angel.

My friend (long lost sister :)), Michelle, Nick and Kayla sent us this ornament for Christmas. Isn't is beautiful? We absolutely love it and are so touched! Thank you guys so much! I wish we lived closer together (we'd go to Guam...you don't want to come to WI right now :)). We love you guys! Thank you so much!!

Seriously???

Okay, so I'm in the store and I come across an In Tou.ch Week.ly magazine (which I think is a valid magazine) and I read that Angelina is pregnant AGAIN. Seriously?? Has anyone else heard that? Can anyone confirm?

Celebs like her sure give IF a bad name. I mean, let's just do IVF because you don't want to go through the "stress" of trying to get pregnant and want twins? Like it's "so easy". She makes it seem like it's absolutely nothing.

GRRRRR!!!

Thanks for the vent. :)

Yesterday went well. I talked to my SIL who was soooo understanding about us not going yesterday to the b-day party. I was so relieved. I hope they really do understand. At least I was honest. I did wake up with a stuffy nose and stomachache and was a little sick all day so I'm glad I didn't go. I think I'm coming down with a cold. :(

I hope you all are having a good weekend!!

***Thankful for my dog even if he wakes me up at 5:30 on a Sunday morning to go outside and then changes his flippin mind....I still love him. :)***

Thanks so much for the advice guys!

Thank you so much. Everyone made some valid opinions and it means so much to me! Thank you!! I love all the support I get here! You guys rock!!

I've decided I'm not going to go. I had thought about doing what Kathryn said (which is a GREAT idea :)), but I just don't know if I can do it. I've been having chest pain for the past week, which I think is from stress, and the more I think about going, the more the pain bothers me. I just feel myself getting more and more anxious.

So, I think I'm going to stay home. I'll be calling my brother in the morning and hoping and praying he understands. I already gave the gift to my mom to bring up and she was very understanding.

I feel horrible about it, but I need to take care of myself and I guess I need to be a selfish aunt right now.

Thanks so much you guys! It means a lot!

***I'm thankful for an understanding mom and for all she does for me. And for Zoloft to help with anxiety. :)***

To go or not to go

My niece is turning 2 and her birthday party is this weekend. They live about 2 hours away. I know it's going to be really hard with a bunch of kids running around. The more I think about it, the more stressed and depressed I get.

I feel if I didn't go, a lot of people would wonder why and think I was being selfish for not going. I feel I should go and yet the thought of it just makes me want to cry.

I don't want to take anything out on my niece and I don't want to miss her big events because I hardly see her anyway because she is so far. But, the thought of driving 2 hours up, being unhappy and trying to put on that happy face, and then driving another 2 hours down just doesn't sound too appetizing to me.

What do I do guys? Any advice?

***I'm thankful for blogger friends who understand and won't judge me.***

More information about our appointment

Thank you so much everyone for your support. It's been a struggle to stay positive but your support and encouragement sure helps and for that we are grateful.

I wanted to give a little more information about the appointment and what was said. He said that my cycle went great. I had a great response, great amount of eggs retrieved, etc. Everything went great and the nurses thought of everyone in my cycle, my cycle looked most promising. The problem came with the fertilization and didn't divide and it was quite a shocker. Otherwise everything looked great.

They checked the lab that day and there were 3 other women's embryos in the incubator and those were fine so as far as they can tell, there wasn't a lab issue. If none of the eggs would have fertilized, they would have been more apt to blame the sperm, but the fact that they did have fertilization, it most likely is a problem with the eggs/ovaries.

I did ask about other women in this situation. He said that in his 30 years of doing this, he has seen probably about 6 cases with this situation where women tried again. 5 had the same result and 1 went onto have a successful pregnancy.

So, these are our options:
1. Try another IVF cycle with different medication protocol and do ICSI (where they actually inject the sperm into the eggs). He wasn't too optimistic this would be successful but it's a possibility. That would be around $12,000, depending on insurance coverage.
2. Try with donor eggs. This has a 70% success rate. This would be around $22,000 depending on insurance coverage.
3. Try with donor embryos. There is a waiting list for this of about 2 years. The success rate is about 40%. This would be about $4000 depending on insurance coverage because it would be with frozen embryos.
4. Adoption. Of course there is a waiting list with this and we were told several years ago that we may have a hard time with that with Mark's health.
5. Stop.

To be honest, adoption isn't in our hearts right now as I really want to carry and it's pretty important to me to do that. Yes, I want to be puking, bloating, tired, crabby, etc. Ask me in the eighth month and it might be different. :) But to be able to carry my child and feel my child inside me is something I really want to experience and I have a strong desire for that.

Plus, with Mark's health and the fact that I want him to be a daddy as much as possible, I'm not too keen on any waiting lists right now. Also, I want to have the best chance at a baby with Mark. I would like to try another round of IVF with my eggs to see, but financially and emotionally, that may not be possible and right now we want the best chance at having a baby together.

So, this means most likely donor eggs and that's what we're leaning towards. I know other people would agree or disagree and that's okay! We feel this is our best option and our best chance at getting a baby and our dream.

Right now, this is all still up in the air as we await to see what our insurance will cover next year and stuff and we ask for prayer as we are faced with these decisions. We want God to lead us in the direction He wants us to go as we want to follow Him. Please pray that if I'm not meant to be a mother that he take this desire away from me as the desire to be a mom is so strong for me right now.

Thank you to all for your support, love and prayers. It means a lot.

Our 4 sweet hearts

One of my friends, Pixie, was so sweet to go to www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com and request 4 hearts be written in the sand in honor of our babies. It means so much to us and I couldn't love a picture more. Thank you Pixie! You're so sweet. I needed this today.

Here is the link:

Our 4 sweet hearts

I have scrambled eggs

The appointment was a little discouraging today. He wasn't real optimistic about our chances again with my eggs. Even though the genetic testing came back normal, that was only one piece of the puzzle and he highly suspects a problem with my eggs/ovaries based on circumstances and CD3 labs.

So, most likely we're looking at donor.

I just can't believe it and I think I'm still in shock that I may never carry a baby with my genetics. It just doesn't seem fair. I don't understand and I'm struggling with why God would allow this to happen to us. He's got some serious answers to give us some day.

I'll write more later when I'm up to it. I want to say thanks to all of you for your support and prayers.

Looking through Mark's ears

Tyler found a pair of binoculars the other day. He thought they were the coolest thing ever. It was so cute to see his face light up looking through them.

Tyler: Wow. This is so cool, Tammy! I can see so far!

Tammy: Are you looking through Mark's ear?

Mark failed to see the humor in that one. :)

****I'm thankful for Tyler and Peyton who bring me so much joy every day****

And here is my very selfish thought for the day and I hope I don't offend anyone. I love seeing my blogger friends' babies and pregnant bellies and hearing about how much they love parenthood and being pregnant. I know the struggles a lot of these friends have gone through and it makes me so happy they have that finally. They deserve it. But, I feel bad for me and jealous that they can have that and I can't. I know that's selfish and I'm sooooo sorry. How can I change that? I feel like a horrible friend. :(

Mark's transplant

The other day I was putting together a birthday gift for my mom and dad of writings I've written. I put together all the memos from the peanut I've written and some of the other writings I've written and put them into a book for them. It made me feel so good that my mom cried when she got it and told me how special it was. Sorry Mom..didn't mean to make you cry but thanks for saying it was so special. :) (((HUGS)))

Anyway, I was reading Mark's transplant story. If you haven't read it, there is a link to the right. I realized as I was reading through it how much we went through to get to the transplant and the memories came flooding back. In summary, here is what we went through:

1. Mark had to go through a lot of testing before the transplant. His last test, an angiogram, showed multiple blockages and Mark had to have triple bypass surgery to his heart. He had several months of rehab before we can do the transplant.
2. Brother #1 gets tested (takes about a month) and is denied the night before the transplant.
3. Brother #2 gets tested and is denied for same reason as Brother #1.
4. Brother #3 is questionable but is given the okay.
5. Mark has a final echo to check his heart before the transplant. It shows Mark has had a silent heart attack and he has to be evaluated for a heart transplant before the kidney transplant.
6. After being evaluated, we are given the okay but were told it was a very risky surgery and we had a 50/50 chance something would happen to Mark.
7. Two weeks before the scheduled transplant, Mark gets a foot ulcer. Any infection or illness and the transplant has to be cancelled. Mark is put on antibiotics and we are given the go ahead the day before the scheduled transplant.

I have to admit, at first when I read through the story again, I had a lot of angry feelings. We had gone through so much with Mark's transplant. It seemed we had so many setbacks and many times we wanted to give up. So, why do we have to go through this again? Why do we have so many setbacks now? Hadn't we been through enough? I mean, in my opinion, what we went through with Mark's transplant should be enough to go through in a lifetime? Where is God? What is He thinking?

Then, it seemed like a calmness came over me and I started realizing something. We got through it. Everything worked out. It maybe wasn't as fast as we thought, but it sure worked out well. And I had told Mark before the brothers tested that I was hoping it would be brother #3. I felt that the other 2 brothers would always kind of make us feel like we "owed" them and I knew brother #3 would do it because he loves Mark and not because he felt he had to. And now Mark has a very special bond with this brother that I never saw before the transplant and it's so awesome to see.

And Mark is doing great. They say about 75% of transplant cases have an episode of rejection and in 90% of those cases the rejection is acute, meaning they can reverse it so they don't lose the kidney. Mark is in that 25%....he has never had a rejection episode at all. He's beaten the odds. It has been 6-1/2 years and he has never felt better.

So, even though we had to struggle so much, things worked out better than we could have imagined in the end. Who knows, maybe if brother #1 would have donated, Mark may have rejected it right away. We don't know. All we know is that Mark received a kidney that has been through so much and is still hanging in there and Mark is feeling so much better than he was. So, when I realize that, it was worth the wait and heartache.

Although, brother #3 could've tested first and saved us from it. :) But even then, we wouldn't realize how lucky we are and how fortunate we are to have Mark here and alive.

There's always a reason. It's just hard to see it at times, isn't it?

Oh, onemorebaby had an idea of saying something you're thankful for every day until Thanksgiving which I think is an awesome idea! Today, I have to say, I'm thankful for organ donation and transplant. Without them, my husband wouldn't be alive today.

Happy birthday Mom!!!

Today is my mom's birthday! Happy Birthday Mom!!! I won't tell you how old...ahem, young....she is. :)

My mom is the best mom ever....really. Her kids come before anything else. There have been so many times when Mark's been in the hospital or been sick at home or something and she's dropped everything to be by our side. I've never hesitated to call her at 2 in the morning to cry, complain or whatever, and I know she's not going to care. When her kids are going through a tough time, she's going through it with you. And she'll do anything to try to make the situation better. She's always trying to make her kids happy and it bothers her when they are going through a rough time. That makes her the best mom ever.

My mom is the most giving, kind-hearted, wonderful mom you'd ever meet. I'm so thankful to have her as a role model for my future child. If I'm half the mom she is, my child will be the lucky child in the world.

Thank you Mom for being there through the good and bad and never giving up on me no matter what. I love you so much.

Happy birthday Mom!

To my followers

I just wanted to say to those following my blog..thank you! It means so much to me that you guys care, come visit and show how much you care by following. It means a lot to see those faces in the corner and when I see another one pop up, it really makes my day. I know...waaaay too emotional and sappy, but it's true. It means a lot that you guys follow our journey.

I just wanted to say thanks and tell you all you mean a lot to me! (((HUGS)))

Talked to the doctor

Our doctor called today. I would like to say that I love my doctor and if anyone is looking for an RE in the Minneapolis/St. Paul, MN area, Dr. Malo is your man. He is the best. They knew I had an appointment next Monday, but when I talked to our first nurse, I was really upset. Another nurse called me on Friday to see how I was doing (how nice is that?). She could tell I was upset and told me she would see if Dr. Malo could call and talk to me earlier than our appointment. He called today. I thought that was so neat and really shows how much they care for the patients.

Anyway, he said that there are a couple reasons why this happened. My body may have been resistant to the medication protocol or I have ovaries that shoot out bad eggs....that was the way he explained it. The genetic testing came back fine but I guess that doesn't mean there still isn't an issue with my eggs. I was a bit confused about that, but I'll find out more at the appointment. If anyone can give more insight into that, that would be great.

He said we have 4 options:
1. Try again with a different medication protocol.
2. Try with donor eggs. However, this is very expensive and insurance will most likely not cover it. We may be changing insurance at the beginning of the year, so we'll see.
3. Donor embryos. With the donor embryos, there is a waiting list. It could be 6 months, 2 years or more, depending on the supply. We know all about lists. We were so lucky that Mark had a kidney donor because he would have been on a waiting list, so we know how hard that can be to wait for something you want so bad.
4. Stop.

I have to admit, when he said an option would be to stop, I started crying. Maybe that's a sign...I don't know. I really don't want to do that, but I want to follow God's will.

Right now, we have a lot of thinking to do and we don't want advice or someone telling us what they would do, etc. We just want prayers and support that the right answers will be provided for us. Thank you!

As promised, here is a picture of the ornaments we got in memory of our angels whom we know are in heaven right now and probably making a lot of noise and picking on each other. :) We love you guys so much and miss you

Happy Holidays???

I know I promised a picture of the ornaments we got. I promise tomorrow I will. Today, I was reading Mer's blog and what she said hit home so much. I was just talking with Mark last night about the holidays and how tough they will be this year and how to let our family and friends know that it will be tough. Mer said this perfect. I'm going to post her post word for word as it seems she was speaking right from my heart.

Here it is:

Earlier this week I received my new Stepping Stones newsletter in the mail... and the cover article really hit home for me. Personally, I am dreading the holidays. Seeing my nieces and nephews open gifts and seeing the joy and laughter in all my family members only reminds me of what I am missing... and it hurts.

I don't know yet how I will handle the holidays... not sure if I will participate in the big family gatherings, or if I will try to have a little time with each part of the family on a smaller scale. To be honest, I would love nothing more than to just run away and avoid the holiday season all together.

I say all of this not to be hurtful to my family who at times I may avoid... but to help them (and you) understand what is going on in my heart and mind. If I avoid a big family gathering, or if I am there but seem distant... it is not that I don't care, I'm not mad at anyone... I'm simply hurting. I am broken... body, mind and spirit... and times like these are such intense reminders of my brokenness.

To my family and friends... I ask for patience and understanding as I work through my grief. This is a very different kind of grief from that of losing someone to death. When I lost my dad it was very final... a definite moment when I knew for certain that I would never see him again. But with infertility it is the death of a dream... of how I always pictured my life would be... and that loss is felt anew with each month... each cycle that we don't conceive.... each time I see a pregnant belly or hold a baby... it is ongoing... constant...

With this in mind, I wanted to share with you excerpts of the cover article from Stepping Stones... The title is "Happy Holidays? Thoughts About Infertility During the Thanksgiving and Christmas Season" written by Angella Merkle.


As I prepare for the holidays, I prepare my shopping list, make cookies, and wrap gifts. One thing I cannot seem to prepare is my heart.

Last year, I spent Christmas morning in my childhood bedroom crying as my nieces and nephews opened up their gifts that I had so lovingly selected for each of them. Watching those sweet kids tear open their presents was another painful reminder that I do not have a child of my own to light up the room with joy and wonderment over gifts and wrapping paper.

Another year has passed and still no baby. Time is supposed to heal all things, but with the pain of infertility, time only increases the anxiety and deepens the hurt. I jokingly told my husband that we are going on a Caribbean cruise this year for Christmas, or skiing, or Las Vegas... anything to avoid the pain of another childless holiday with our families.

What do you do when "the most wonderful time of the year" makes you want to crawl into a fetal position and avoid the world? Here are a few ideas to help you through the holidays.

It is okay to say "No."
During the holidays, if you feel you cannot handle going home, it is okay to say "No." Working at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter are two good alternatives to family gatherings. Helping others has a tendency to work miracles in our hearts.

Give yourself permission to be sad.
Weep and let it out! Go ahead! This can be a hard time; it is okay to be upset. Just remember, "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" Ephesians 4:26 NIV.

Hide God's Word in your heart.
Write these Scriptures down and remind yourself often:

I can do everything through him who gives me strength ~ Philippians 4:13 NIV

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the LORD ~ Isaiah 55:8 NIV

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith ~ Hebrews 12:2a NIV

Tell your family how you feel.
Talk to your family before the holidays and tell them what is in your heart. Having allies who know your plight and can give you a hug or words of encouragement can do wonders in healing your holiday hurts, making the time with family more bearable and even enjoyable.

PRAISE the Lord.
Yes, you heard me, praise the Lord during this tough time. Things might now be going according to your plan, but rest assured that God is in control and has a wonderful plan for your life. Praise Him for being in charge, for knowing what is best for you, and for loving you. Praise Him for holding you in the palm of His hand and never letting you go. Praise Him for sending Jesus to earth to save us from ourselves. Praise Him that you have family to visit during the holiday season. Praise the Lord for your spouse. The list could go on and on... take a minute and add your own.

As I wrote these words, I have cried while remembering past hurts, and I cringe as I anticipate another childless holiday. I realize how desperately I need to cling to the Lord as I steel myself for this upcoming season. More important than all of the gifts and cookies, I need to trust in the Lord to begin a new work in my heart.

On a personal note, I thank God for each of you. As hard as this journey is, I am so thankful to be on it with others like you. I gain strength from knowing you are in the trenches with me, facing the same issues day-in and day-out. May God bless you and keep you during this holiday season.

To clarify a few things...kinda long...sorry

I wanted to get a few things out in the open.

I know it’s been no secret that I am a Christian and that I love God. I feel maybe I have led people to believe otherwise lately and I'm sorry for that. I still love God. Just because I’m disappointed, angry and don’t understand, certainly doesn’t mean I don’t love God. I have every right to be questioning and upset, not understanding why things happen like this. I do understand God has a plan and I know His plans are for the good. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t be disappointed and question why. I know God tests us and sometimes I feel like Job from the Bible, being tested so much. My faith in God is not gone. I still love Him, I just don’t understand and wish we had answers because I know God can provide answers.

I also wanted to say that just because I’ve contemplating giving up, doesn’t mean I want to by any means. I’m just looking at the big picture here. In my mind, it’s pretty clear from God that now is not the time. If it was, there would be a clear direction…at least that’s what I think. There isn’t a clear direction. Because I’m healthy and everything appears to be fine, it seems to me that I will be a mother at some point, just not right now. So, in a way, I feel if we were to continue to try at this point, I would be going against God’s will only to have more heartache and more financial debt. I still have the desire….more than ever. Just seeing babies hurts more than it ever has. So, the fact that everything seems to be okay with me and it hurts so much, to me seems not a reason to continue, but a reason not to continue, at least right now. Time will tell. Again, God will direct us and give us answers as to where to go next….at least I hope.

I must admit, Mark has a strong desire to keep going. He doesn’t want to give up hope. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt Mark. So, I would do it for him. But then again, I would feel I was going against God’s will. But of course, we never really know what God’s will is until we “know”. When I saw the hurt look in Mark’s eyes when I told him I felt we should stop for now, that was too much to bear. And maybe that’s the sign from God that we do need to continue.

Urrgh!! See how conflicting this all is? :)

I just don’t want people to think I’m the type to just “give up” and maybe I worded things wrong. And I don’t want people to think I don’t still love God. This last IVF was really hard on me. A lot of people have a different viewpoint about IVF and that’s okay! The way we went into this and believe, we knew in our hearts when we heard there was fertilization, we had babies. Therefore, we believe in our hearts, we had 4 babies. We had 12 eggs retrieved, but 4 babies as the others didn’t fertilize. Some people believe we had no babies and others may believe we had 12. Everyone has a different opinion and like I said before, it’s what we believe that’s important. :)

Anyway…..so, not only did we have a rare situation that they can’t figure out what happened, we lost 4 babies in the process. I know I never got to carry our babies and to some people, my reaction may not be the “right one” or that I have no reason to grief, but to us, we lost 4 children. I loved what Pixie said….that the sadness you’re feeling just shows me how much you loved your very very precious babies. That meant so much to me and made me feel like I was normal for being down. Thanks sweetie.

I just wanted to clarify that although I’m not sure we should be trying again now right away, I still feel it’s in my cards to be a mother. Maybe Mark is going to get really sick and he needs me right now, maybe medically he'll make a sudden turnaround and we’ll be able to make a baby naturally (then we would know God performed miracles :)...trust me, that's a long shot, but it's out there), maybe something will happen to me and this will save Mark the heartache of losing 2 people he loves rather than just 1…..we don’t know. I do know someday I will understand. That’s the joy of being Christians.

So just because I’m a Christian, I still feel I’m entitled to be sad and disappointed and question why. Just as long as I keep my focus on God. He knows how I feel and He can handle my questioning and disappointment, just as long as I keep talking to Him, which I do. Sometimes my voice gets a little louder at times, but I still talk to Him. :)

At one point, I told someone I felt like a bad Christian because I was questioning God and I didn't understand. She told me that she would be worried about me if I didn't question God because she knows I still realize He is there. I never thought about it like that.

So, if you read all this, thanks. :) There were some things that bothered me and I wanted to clear it up.

I did get Christmas ornaments for the babies and tomorrow I will post a picture of them. They will always be in our hearts and we miss them so much.

Thanks again to all of you for all your support. I couldn't get through it with you guys. ((((HUGS)))

Remembering

I received this poem as a comment and it touched me so much. I had to share it with everyone. Thanks so much Pixie! (((HUGS)))


Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~

I'm depressed

I'm sorry, but I just haven't felt much like being on blogs or boards lately. So, I don't mean to be ignoring anyone but if I don't post, you know why. I struggle to even get out of bed sometimes.

On top of that, there is tension between Mark and I sometimes. He wants to try again and I don't want to, especially knowing it's not God's time. Why go through all that heartache again and financial debt if we know it's not going to work? In my mind, God's been pretty clear.

I just don't understand how life could get like this. Why would God want me to be this unhappy?

We got our results today

We found out I'm perfectly fine...there isn't a thing wrong with me.

I know "that's good news to know everything is fine".....but I'm really having a hard time with it. I've prayed for obvious answers as to where to go next. That's not what happened. The nurse told me that this was just "bad luck" and that out of all the women in my group, my situation looked the best and was the most hopeful and it was a shock to everyone. She also went onto say that another lady in my shoes had gotten pregnant the natural way a couple months later and not to give up hope.....yeah, like that's going to happen to us.

Right now, the nurse said they aren't sure what to tell me. That I'll have to talk to the doctor and see if he has any suggestions.

It's so frustrating to me. Believe it or not, I would've felt better having answers, knowing there is a reason. Instead, I feel like a loser because I can't even get pregnant with medical technology. What kind of a woman am I?

I'm just so frustrated right now. I don't know what we're going to do. We wanted clear answers and didn't get them. I can't go through all this heartache again if this is the result again. It hurts too much.

Seriously, I'm thinking of this as a sign from God that it's not the right time and that it's time to go on. Maybe I'm just supposed to spend my time with Mark and cherish the time I have with him. That's the path I'm leaning towards....but it hurts. I just can't believe it's come down to this.

Pictures

Hi everyone! We went on a little mini getaway. It was nice to get away, even if it was just for a couple days. It was peaceful and relaxing....just what we needed. It was still emotional. We had been hoping this was our celebration getaway so at times it was hard. And to see little kids and babies....well, not so easy. In fact, I had a big breakdown at one point.

But, to be able to spend time with Mark alone was pretty special. Here are some pictures!

By the way, when I saw these pictures of me, I couldn't believe how skinny I was. I didn't realize it until I saw them. I just look sick....I was pretty disgusted by my pictures. :( Have I always looked like this or has this taken a toll on me?


The view of the lake from our room

Walking along the trail by the lake from our hotel

Mark and I by Gooseberry Falls

Mark by Gooseberry Falls

Mark and I in our hotel room

I'll be writing more later. To be honest, I'm in kind of a crabby mood right now. :(

I had e-mailed our Edward Jones adviser to let her know a big check was going through. She knew about the IVF. I e-mailed that it wasn't good news and I was e-mailing because I didn't want to talk about it. She had wanted to know when the check would go through...that was the only reason I e-mailed. So, she calls this afternoon, starts asking a ton of questions about it and then talked a little about our account. It's nice she cares, but I thought I had made myself clear that I didn't want to talk about it. I was pretty upset.

Then, in checking through our mail from the last couple days, I found a baby shower invite for Mark's niece. A niece whose pregnant was a shock and not planned at all, given by another of Mark's nieces who is pregnant. I know it's not their fault, but the timing was really bad on that invite. There is just no way I'm going to be able to go....I just can't do it.

So, I promise I will be catching up on e-mails and stuff. I'm just not in a real good mood right now....but I will catch up later.

Thanks Tiffany!

In honor of my blogger buddy, Tiffany, who has currently undergone transfer and will hopefully be posting her BFP (pray for her please!), I present my one word answers (which is harder than it looks!):
1. Where is your cell phone? Table
2. Where is your significant other? Sleeping
3. Your hair color? Blonde
4. Your mother? Awesome
5. Your father? Awesome
6. Your favorite thing? Reading
7. Your dream last night? Freaky
8. Your dream/goal? Mother
9. The room you're in? office
10. Your hobby? Scrapbooking
11. Your fear? Childless
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Mother
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Satisfied
15. One of your wish list items? Baby
16. Where you grew up? Wisconsin
17. The last thing you did? Cried
18. What are you wearing? PJ's
19. Your T.V.? Entertainment
20. Your pet? Friend
21. Your computer? Support
22. Your mood? Discouraged
23. Missing someone? Yes
24. Your car? Cavalier
25. Something you're not wearing? Socks
26. Favorite store? Michaels
27. Your Summer? Emotional
28. Love someone? Definitely
29. Your favorite color? Purple
30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? 11:00

I invite everyone to participate who wants to. :) Please do! It's fun!

A few random questions...second post of the day

So, I've been thinking and I'm going to ask some questions I've been wondering and see if anyone has answers:

1. Did anyone else have a strong urge to call a brother bright and early at 7 in the morning and scream in his ear because you knew he would have been out late last night having a good time and it would've been way too much fun to hear him in agnozing pain? :)

2. Did Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie use IVF or not?

3. Does anyone know of anyone whose IVF transfer was cancelled because their eggs fertilized but didn't divide? I've met a few whose transfer was cancelled but they had division. It would be nice to meet someone in the same boat as me who got answers.

4. Settle a debate here.....is it cancelled or canceled?

5. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Thanks guys!

Halloween

I hope everyone had a nice Halloween!! Here are a few pictures of the kids that I have to share, of course :)


Here are the 2 of us with Tyler and Peyton. Tyler was a sheriff and Peyton was a pony

Tyler is going through and sorting out his candy...and his wrappers. :) Mommy wasn't too pleased when she found a lot of wrappers mixed in with the candy. :)

Peyton as a pony...isn't she darling? :)

Here are a couple pictures of Peyton. She has a pink jacket with a pink hat and she is just adorable in it. I had to share these. :)



Halloween went pretty good for me. I never really considered Halloween as one of the "tough" holidays, but it definitely is. What really got to me were the cute 1-year-olds who could just barely say "thank you" and them having their parents carry them. They were sooooo cute. We had one come as a stop sign and another came as a princess. I just wanted to hug them. :) The older, scary ones didn't bother me so much and those high schoolers who you just want to give them dental floss or something else that they would hate because they are way too old to be trick or treating....they obviously didn't bother me. Although, I have to admit.....I did go trick or treating in high school....but still, way too old. We even had 3 high school students come after we had shut off all the lights and they weren't even dressed up. That was annoying. I wouldn't have answered the door, but just in case it was a little kid, I didn't want to hurt their feelings. Oh, well.

I sure hope soon I'll be sharing pictures of our little one. I would make comments to Mark last night that I wish we were out going door to door rather than passing out the candy. I love seeing the pictures of kids in their costumes, but I just wish I was also doing it......although I love showing off Tyler and Peyton and I think they are so cute. :) I just really hope some day it will be my turn.

I hope everyone had a great Halloween! :)