Am I a good mother?

I admit, things haven’t been easy lately. I’m not one to “complain” and I’m not, but I admit, it’s been hard.

Hannah’s still having sleeping issues. She’ll have a good night once in awhile but for the most part, she’s up every 2 hours and after 2 in the morning, she’s up every hour. When she naps, she only sleeps for about 30 minutes. She’s a horrible sleeper.

Normally, it wouldn’t bother me so much but I work full-time. Granted I work from home so it’s easier but that also means, I never really get a break except on Tuesdays when my mom has her. If I didn’t work I’d sleep when she slept and, in fact, on weekends I nap with her and make it a BIG priority to make sure I nap with her no matter what the house looks like or what needs to be done.

On top of Hannah’s issues, Mark has been having trouble at night. It seems that the medications he’s taking is affecting his sleep. He’s very restless in his sleep and does stuff he doesn’t remember and even walks out to the kitchen with no memory of it. With his poor eyesight and lack of balance, it’s scary and something I really need to watch for. Just the other night he fell and hit his head and has been going to the chiropractor 3 times a week. He’s in a lot of pain from it.

Do I wish things were easier? Of course. Would I change the people in my life? Absolutely not.

Motherhood is hard. Having an ill husband is hard. I knew if we ever got our baby, it would be really hard. Honestly, though, I never thought it would be THIS hard.

This morning I woke up feeling so down about myself. I started thinking about all the things I need to do, all the things I’m so far behind on. Our financial situation. The lawn needs to be mowed as we were told it looks like a jungle. Mark’s back and neck problems. Getting appointments scheduled. Getting garage sale stuff together. Just so many things to do and no time or energy to do it.

I barely crawled out of bed at 7 when I start work when I’ve been trying so hard to put in a little overtime because we have extra bills we weren’t expecting and I’ve been trying to start work at 6. I just couldn’t do it and I was so disappointed in myself.

I put Hannah in a onesie to have her roll around on the carpet, picked her up and realized just how dirty the floor was. When was the last time I vacuumed?

Her diaper pail is overflowing. Man, that’s disgusting and needs to be taken out for sure.

I looked at her overflowing basket of clothes that I needed to fold and put away that had been sitting there for days. Need to get that done.

Toys are everywhere. I can’t seem to walk without stepping on one or tripping on something. I thought of poor Mark who can’t see well and has poor balance. Can’t imagine how frustrated he gets.

I go to get Hannah’s food out of the refrigerator and end up dropping it all over the kitchen floor. At least we have Doogie to clean it up. But when was the last time I mopped?

**warning, booby talk!** I barely have any time to pump my breasts anymore. I’m lucky if I do it 4 times a day. Ideally, it should be every 3 hours but now I’m lucky if I get anywhere close to that. I’m not giving my baby the nutrients I could be giving her.

What kind of a mother am I?

It took a little bit of a breakdown to realize I am a good mother.

I comfort her every night. I don’t let her cry for hours. She knows she can cry and her mom will be there. I sacrifice my sleep during the week but sleep with her and hold her tightly in my arms during her naps on the weekends. I’m a good mother.


Her diaper pail is overflowing. She routinely has her diaper changed and has never had a diaper rash at all. I’m a good mother.

When was the last time I vacuumed? She has 4 walls, a floor, heat, air and all her housing needs. I’m a good mother.

I looked at her overflowing basket of clothes that I needed to fold and put away that had been sitting there for days. She has more clothes than we know what to do with. I’m a good mother.

Toys are everywhere. I can’t seem to walk without stepping on one or tripping on something. She has more toys than we know what to do with. I’m a good mother.

I go to get Hannah’s food out of the refrigerator and end up dropping it all over the kitchen floor. She has enough food and formula to make her healthy and satisfied. I’m a good mother.

I barely have any time to pump my breasts anymore. I’m not giving my baby the nutrients I could be giving her. I’ve been nursing/pumping her for 8 months which is more than some are fortunate to get and being an adoptive mother, being able to nurse is MUCH more difficult and I worked extremely hard to get to that point. Hannah’s been so lucky to get those nutrients and I’ve been able to give that to her. I’m a good mother.

So, yeah, I know I wouldn’t make Hollywood’s Mother of the Year. My house is a disaster, I’m always tired and I just can’t keep up with anything.

But I look at that little girl’s smile and laughter and I KNOW I’m a good mother. She loves me so much.

And that’s all that matters. I'm so blessed to have my miracle girl.

Just a cute face to start your week

The best face to wake up to

A Hannah Banana kiss

Thinking about Hannah's birthmother

I’ve been thinking about the birthmother a lot. In fact I think of her every day and in so many different ways.

Honestly, though, I haven’t been thinking about her as much as I used to as far as guilt. I think because I know Hannah was always meant to be our daughter I no longer feel as guilty about it whereas before I used to feel so guilty that we had Hannah and our birthmother didn’t and it tore me apart. Now, while those feelings are still there, they aren’t as prevalent as before as the more Hannah is with us, the more I know she was 100% meant to be ours.

But I often find myself thinking about the birthmother and wondering about her. Where is she at? Is she doing okay? Is she in a good home? Is she still with the wonderful man she was with? How is her son? Does she think of us? Does she regret her choice? Is she happy? Is she still trying to get into school?

And what about Hannah? Would she be proud of the way we’ve raised her? Would she think we’re doing and providing enough for her? Does she know how much she’s changed our lives and how much better Mark’s health is just because of her?

There are so many times I would love to talk to her, to tell her and show her just how happy we are and how well Hannah is doing. I would love to call her or text her just to say hi and let her know we’re doing great and how much Hannah is loved by everyone.

One of the hardest things about adoption is that you know during the process, someone was hurt and to us, that someone is someone very, very special to us. And the hardest thing for me is not being able to be there for her, to let her know how well Hannah is doing and ease her mind. That’s what I don’t like about “semi-open” adoptions.

I know it’s all for the best and some day Hannah may want to meet her birthmother and if she does, I will support her 100% and will be so excited to see her again. Until then, it’s so hard knowing that all I can do is think of her and pray for her and hope she knows just how happy our little Hannah really is and how much she’s changed our lives.

I just wish I could tell her and know how she is doing. I miss her so much.

Doogie and Hannah

Wordless Sunday

Hannah's 32-week pictures

Lately her weekly pictures have been such a struggle and I work up a sweat trying to get a good one.

But, it seems that it's so hard for her to take a bad picture. She's just so darn cute!

What do you think?

Our first family vacation as a legal family!

As most know, Hannah became legally ours on July 3. Of course we wanted to take a family vacation to celebrate and there was no other place we'd rather go than to Super.ior Sho.res Re.sort at the No.rth Sho.re which is where Mark and I went for our honeymoon.

It was so peaceful and beautiful weather. We rested most of the time and just relaxed which is what we really wanted to do.

We did go walking out to the lighthouse in T.wo Har.bors:


Here is Mark walking Hannah. It was quite the walk. I'm not sure exactly how long it is but it was pretty long. Mark's actually never been able to make it all the way so the fact that he made it was very impressive.




Here we are at the end of the walk at the lighthouse



Here is Mark and Hannah hanging out in our room.


We also went to Goose.berry Falls which is a highlight of the No.rth Sh.ore. We just absolutely love it there!


Here is a picture of the 3 of us. I actually don't like this picture at all as I think it makes me look fat. :(


Hannah loved it!

Then we also walked along the shore and sat on the shore which was so nice and peaceful. I just love it there and I can't wait to go back.


Here is Hannah on the shore. She loved the rocks and loved putting them into her mouth. Needless to say, she didn't sit on the rocks for too long. :)


For her 6 month pictures, we had a picture of her looking out into the river and I LOVED that picture. So I took one of her looking out into La.ke Superi.or....or maybe she ate a few rocks.


Daddy and Hannah


Hannah and I on the bridge between the resort and the lake.

It was the perfect way to celebrate such a beautiful event. Wish we could've stayed longer but it was still so nice. We usually go a couple times a year and I can't WAIT to go back!!

I'm going to start putting a book on her head

Can't believe this girl is already 7 months. :(

Pics of the parade **second post**

Blogger cooperated!!

Here are 2 more pictures of Hannah's parade debut!


Here is Hannah with Tyler and Peyton


And here is Hannah in her wagon ready to roll! Isn't she just the cutest thing? :) Love her in the wagon.

Hannah's first parade!

Some know that my parent's own a business. I had talked my parents into being in our local parade. We all had a great time or at least I did. :)

Hannah was the hit of the parade and even got her picture in the local paper. :)


My family minus my mom who was taking the picture


Me and Hannah

Stupid blogger won't let me downloaded more pictures so when I can get them downloaded, I will! I have to show you the cute wagon Hannah rode in for the parade. :)

Cousins

These kids have grown so much!!

Peyton is now 6, Hannah 7-1/2 months and Jamie is 2 years old.

Where have I been?

Wow. It's been awhile.

Let's see. What have I been doing. I've been busy getting ready for our annual garage sale we have. Usually it's been to raise money for infertility/adoption but this year it was to help pay for Hannah's adoption loan. We were able to get $1284 at our sale & about half of that was our stiff so we were able to raise quite a bit. I'll be posting about that.

I also need to post about our family trip last week. :)

And of course pics. :)

I'll be back!!!