Life goes on

I'm doing better. I've been working with my therapist quite a bit. Thank God for therapists. :) I feel bad because I think she has been seeing me more lately than her own family. :(

I've been able to get out of the house more and haven't been crying nearly as much. I had a breakdown last night. We had gone over to my sister's house and just seeing the kids running around and how great my sister was with them broke my heart. I realize how badly I want that....so much. Mark was so sweet the whole time we were there. He knew something was bothering me and kept holding my hand and rubbing my leg. When we got home, he just held me as I let it all out. He was so sweet.

I just wanna be a mommy and it hurts. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through tonight seeing all the cute kids in their costumes. We have a plan in case I just can't do it. There's no way I could just turn off the lights or not answer the door. The kids deserve better than that and some of them are just so cute. :)

Yesterday I ran into someone at work. She gave me a big hug and told me how sorry she was. Then she said something that really struck me "It's just too bad you had to go through all that for nothing."

It shocked me. I realized then a lot of people must be thinking that. "All that and nothing". That isn't the way I feel at all. There was sooooo much of "something". Mark and I got to spend so much more time together, driving and riding together, doing shots together, watching our babies together. And I'll never forget having my mom and Peyton down there and Peyton looking at the screen at her "cousins" and her telling the nurses "I have big girl underwear on!". And I'll never forget waking up after the retrieval to Mark's grinning face and telling me we had 12 eggs retrieved. To see his face and to have him tell me the news meant so much. All those moments I will never forget. Yeah, there were some tough times, but just because they were tough, doesn't outweigh the good times and the memories we had.

And we have 4 babies/angels looking down at us from heaven. What could be better?

So, our "nothing" is sooooo much of a "something". Like I said in my letter, if I could do this again, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Letter to the babies

**I know this is always a touchy subject. We believe once fertilization takes place, there is life. Some disagree and that's okay! Some may not believe we had 4 babies, but we do and what's important is what we believe.**

To our babies,

The day we started our IVF, I looked forward to knowing you were inside my tummy and hoping and praying that in 9 months you would be born healthy and happy.

I'm sad it didn't turn out that way we had hoped but I'm happy you guys are in heaven and safely sitting on Jesus' lap.

I don't regret doing the IVF at all. Your daddy and I loved going to the ultrasounds and watching those follies grow. We knew we were watching our babies grow. Every shot, bruise and all the side effects were worth being able to see you guys.

I regret that I didn't get more pictures at the ultrasounds. If I would have known those were the only pictures I would have of you guys, I would have had them print out as many as they could every time we went in.

I also regret that I was never able to have that feeling of knowing you guys were in my tummy. I never had the feeling of "being pregnant until proven otherwise". I really wish I could have had that chance and I'm sad that I wasn't able to. In some ways I feel like I failed you as your mommy because I wasn't able to get to that final step where you would know you were so loved and where you could feel the warmth of love from my tummy and heart.

I wish I could have done more. I feel like a bad mommy because I wasn't there to protect you. I feel like I should have driven down to the lab on Saturday when there was still a little hope. As your mommy, I feel I should have been there. I know there was nothing I could do, but as your mommy, I wanted to protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't do more. I hope you know how many people were praying for you guys. We have so many friends and family who love us. There was so much love around you guys that day.

Please know that even though we only had you guys in our lives for a few days, for those few days, we had so much hope and love and we couldn't stop thinking about you guys. We wouldn't give that up for anything.

I know one day we'll see each other again. I know Jesus is holding you tight in His arms until Daddy and I see you again. I know you guys are in the best hands you can be, but I'm jealous that Jesus gets to hold you before I do.

I know Jesus has a plan and I know you guys know that, too. Jesus has probably already shared it with you. I know you don't understand why I'm so sad when Jesus has such great plans for me. I know it's hard to understand. As much as I know it'll all work out for the best, I miss you guys and I really wish I could just hold you-just once.

I'd do this all over again if we had another chance. I'd do it in a heartbeat and I'd do as many shots as I needed to. I would just make sure I would get more pictures at the ultrasounds and I would ask more questions to the nurse during it so I could see you guys longer--just in case those were the only times we would get to know you.

There isn't a day your daddy and I don't think about you guys. Our hearts ache and we have never felt this kind of pain. We know you don't want us to be sad and it's hard to understand why we can be so sad when you guys are so happy. We are just hurting knowing we can't see or feel you every day. I guess you can say you have a selfish mommy and daddy.

Please watch over us our dear angels. Show us the way to go next. Please give us the strength to be able to carry on. We miss you and love you more than you can ever know and we can't wait to see you guys and hold you in our arms.

With all my love forever,
Mommy

Going with the kids to the corn maze

Saturday my sister, BIL and Tyler and Peyton all went to the nearby corn maze. It was fun with the kids...they can always make me smile no matter what. :) Here are a few pictures:

At tne entrance. This was at the end and they were ready to sit. :) The maze was about 4 miles long.

They also had animals there. Here is Peyton by the pigs.

Tyler by the goats.


Here is a picture of the roses from choco. They have really started to bloom and they are so gorgeous. I tried to get as close as I could, but this picture doesn't do them justice. They are so beautiful.

"None of them divided"

I don't think I'll ever, ever forget those words as long as I live. I can't believe it's been a week. I thought I would be pregnant right now, just waiting to see if I would remain pregnant or not. Instead, I'm getting those lovely AF-like cramps and just waiting for her to show her stupid, ugly face.

On top of everything else, Mark had a really bad day yesterday. I was sitting at the kitchen table putting together some of the nice comments people made the last week into a journal (soooo many of you contributed to that, so thanks). Mark was in bed. All of a sudden, I heard a crash and a scream. I ran into the bedroom to find Mark on the ground. He had blacked out. He hasn't had a black-out episode in ages. He was really hurting and I was pretty worried but he insisted on not going in. His bones are very brittle from his meds and he has broken a wrist and hip before in a fall, so I was concerned.

Then, I wanted to run down to the library downtown to get a book. Reading is what keeps my mind busy so I've been reading a lot lately and I needed a new book. I knew it would only take a few minutes. I told Mark I'd be back and to wait to get up before I got home. I got home and came into the house to the sound of the answering machine on. I ran to catch the phone and heard just static....I knew then. I ran into my office to find Mark holding the phone in his hand and him on the ground again with the chairs tipped over. He blacked out again. I felt so horrible that I left. Yeah, I told him not to get up, but he thought it would be my sister on the phone and we had plans for the afternoon so he thought it would be important to answer it.

I felt so horrible for Mark. He hasn't had these episodes for a long time and he has to have 2 on the same day, 1 that I definitely could have prevented. After I had gotten Mark up and made sure he was okay, I just started bawling. I felt like a horrible wife, that I wasn't there to protect him. I told Mark that I was a horrible mother and wife, that I couldn't protect our babies or him. Of course, I know realistically that's not the case, that there was nothing I could do for the babies and with Mark, there wasn't much I could do. Plus, I can't just stay home all the time. But, I still feel guilty. That guilt feeling doesn't go away too easily.

Sometimes I wonder just how much we can handle. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I sure feel it's getting close. I hope if God makes this cross to bear any heavier, that he provides me with a stronger back to carry it.

A week ago....

A week ago, at 10:46 (yes, I had actually looked at the time), the phone rang and this was what I was told, "Well, only 4 fertilized, but they haven't divided and they definitely should have by now. It doesn't look good, but I'll check them out tomorrow and I'll call you."

That was the day our lives turned upside down.

Yesterday was a pretty depressing day for me. I had been given an assignment by my therapist to get as much information about embryo donation as I could. In doing this, I of course have found out a lot of information that I didn't know and my confidence was shattered. Like most of the time families choose you. My first thought was there is no way anybody would pick us with Mark's health. Then, I found out someone was denied the embryo donation program because they were single which to me is outrageous....but it got me thinking. With Mark's health, there would probably be a strong possibility that we would be denied for that.

Then, I looked on our clinic's website. The cost for a donor egg program is $20,000 without the meds and I know our insurance wouldn't pay for it. Then, I went onto read that an average of only 8% of transfers are cancelled. From the few women I've talked to who have had their transfers cancelled had some division, but they quit dividing. I had no division at all, so I figure our situation is very rare...probably closer to 1-2%. How could that have happened to us??? Why? Why us? Why are we in the 1-2%??

So, yesterday was pretty tough. Luckily, we were baby-sitting Peyton so I had to be strong. Otherwise, I don't think I could have. I just feel like the options are too out of reach for us, like we just can't do it. I feel like it's over. I know we don't know the results yet or what is wrong, but I'm the type that I like to be prepared for every situation.

I had 3 angels come into my life yesterday.

Angel #1: Mark knew something was bothering me. I didn't want to explain it all in front of Peyton, but finally I did. I couldn't stop crying. It was too overwhelming. Poor Peyton kept asking why Tammy was sad and kept giving me hugs around my legs....that was pretty sweet. At that moment, I looked out our window and the Fed-Ex guy was coming up the driveway. My first thought was great...what did we order now and how much is it going to hurt this time? In the package was 2 dozen roses from our dear friend, chocodaisy. They couldn't have come at a better time. The timing of them was amazing. Of course I started crying and Peyton said "Tammy, don't be sad, give me a kiss" and then put her little arms around my neck and gave me the biggest kiss. She was relieved when it was happy tears and not sad tears this time. Here is a picture of our roses. Thank you choco...we love you! You are an angel.


Angel #2: Not long after that, I got a call from a good friend of mine. She had recently been through a really tough time herself and I felt bad I hadn't been there for her. She had respectfully not called to see how I was doing but couldn't wait anymore. Immediately I lost it and just couldn't stop crying. She listened like a good friend would and then told me she had been giving it a lot of thought and if I needed an egg donor, she would be honored to donate her eggs to me. We talked quite a bit about it and by the end of the phone call, just to have someone be willing to do something like gave me peace and I needed to hear that. I know this person will be reading my blog. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you. You are an angel.

I would also like to acknowledge that another friend has offered to donate her eggs. I know she wants to remain anonymous and wouldn't want me to bring attention to it. But, I just wanted to say thank you to you also. That is an amazing gift and it means a lot. She is someone I've met on the internet....someone who has never seen my face, but knows our history and would be willing to give a huge gift. It's amazing to me. I love you sweetie!!

Angel #3: Peyton. I know if it weren't for her yesterday, the thought of staying in bed was pretty tempting. But, she showed how much she loved me and the fact that she "just wanted Tammy happy" gives her that angel glow. We love you sweetie. You're an angel. I know you would disagree and yell at me and say "I'M NOT AN ANGEL! I'M PEYTON!"....but you really are an angel.

I also talked to choco last night on the phone and she gave me some wonderful advice. Don't borrow trouble. We don't know what's going to happen, what the next step is or what will happen to us and just because it happened to someone else doesn't mean it'll happen to us. So true. Thanks sweetie. ((((HUGS)))

And one thought that popped into my head last night as I was trying to sleep. Remember that 1-2% we were in with the cancelled transfers? Well, we beat the odds then. Whatever we're faced with next, we can beat the odds again.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I have good moments and bad moments. One hour I'm good, the next hour is bad. I know I'll have tough times. I know I'll get through them, but it still hurts....like someone is squeezing the life out of me and it hurts to just breathe normally. When this pain get better?

At least we can joke about it a little....second post of the day

I had to share this.

The other day on my lunch break, Mark and I had...well, let's just call it a "productive lunch". :) I promise, there is a point to that information. :)

Yesterday afternoon we were talking about a little getaway we're taking in a week. We're going away to Lake Superior where we went for our honeymoon. We figured we deserved it. :) Tyler was around, so we had to be careful about how we worded things.

Tammy: Now we've got our big bottle of "juice" for the trip. **the "juice" was really wine :)**

Mark: Awesome. It'll be nice to get away.

Tammy: Yeah. Hopefully we'll have a lunch like the other day. **Tammy winks at Mark.**

Mark: Uh, huh?

Tammy: Duh, Mark. You remember. The one where....well....you had the hot dog.

Mark (after a slight pause and face turning a little red): Oh, yeah! I remember that. Didn't you have eggs?

Tammy (rolls her eyes): Uh, yeah, I believe I did.

Mark: They were scrambled weren't they?

Good thing Tyler had no clue what we were really talking about. But, yes, it is a fact that I indeed do have scrambled eggs. :) At least we can get some humor out of our situation.

Talk about a double whammy

Yesterday when the mailman came, I saw that there was something big sticking out of the mailbox. Thanks mailman for making it obvious we had a package...but, whatever. So, I went out and got the mail. This big package was some Precious Moments stick-ums we had purchased a week ago today for the nursery as a gift to us, before the worst weekend of our lives. What a wonderful reminder. I still haven't opened it, but will when I'm ready. They were so cute. :) Special thanks to onemorebaby for sending us that awesome website. :)

Then also in the mail came the receipt from our clinic for the $7100 we had put down for our IVF cycle. Nice. Lovely. I so needed to see that.

Oh, well.

By the way, our clinic has graciously agreed to give us a little refund. Probably not much as the only thing we didn't do was the transfer, but at least it's something.

Okay, so a good story here. This is something I've been thinking a lot about and another proof that God is working here.

On Friday, a week ago which was before we were told the transfer would be cancelled, I was watching the news on TV. They had a special on there about donor embryos. They showed a little bit about the IVF process, but most of it was about donor embryos. They interviewed a woman who had used donor embryos and they showed pictures and videos of her daughter. They were trying to get the word out about donor embryos. They said there are a lot of donor embryos out there frozen, just waiting to be used. They said they would rather have people use them than discard them.

At the time, this was the last thing I wanted to hear. I questioned God as to why He would let me see that. When we first did the IVF paperwork, we had chosen to donate our frozen embryos if we both died. When I saw this special, it really bothered me. I told Mark that even if we donated our embryos, our babies could still be "on ice" for years. That was really hard for me to hear. I had mistakenly thought that donated embryos was like donated organs, that there was a waiting list and a huge need.

It bothered me that night and I kept saying I wish I hadn't seen that.

I bet you know where this is going. :)

I realize now why God had me see that special. I realize the need for these babies, not the need for me. To see the pictures and videos of that girl was amazing to me now and I can still picture them. To know that it DOES work. To know that there are so many embryos who need a home. I feel God was speaking to me. At the time, I didn't know that and I was angry He chose for me to see that. Now, I'm so grateful He let me see that. Of course we don't know if this is the way we'll have to go, but that special opened my eyes to it and I'm more open to it than I thought I would be because of that special I saw.

What's more amazing is that I normally don't watch the news. I usually watch the half hour "Deal or No Deal"...which isn't nearly as good as the hour shows, by the way. But, this day, I was making supper in the kitchen and just felt lazy to go into the living room and change the channel (I know.....really lazy, huh? :)). Mark usually sits on the couch and watches TV while I make supper and takes care of the remote, but he was downstairs doing laundry (which is a miracle in itself :)).

Nothing panned out the way we meant it, but it panned out the way God meant it.

Thanks to everyone for your wonderful comments yesterday on my post. You guys are so special. :)

Apparently I'm an angel :)

I was going to blog about something else, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. It's really good, so be sure to stay tuned in tomorrow! :)

But this is better and I couldn't wait to share it.

I had sent my therapist a little bouquet of flowers. Not a big one as we know this IVF has sucked out our money :(, but I wanted to let her know how much I appreciated her. I normally see her once a week. I've seen or talked to her on the phone every day since Friday. She helped me think of questions to ask and has helped me so much this past week that I couldn't have gone through it without her. I felt I needed to show her that and sent her the flowers.

She was so grateful for them and was so appreciative of them.

This morning, I receieved this e-mail and it absolutely warmed my heart:

Hi Tammy,
Remember what I told you about YOU being an angel???

I thought you'd appreciate what your thoughtful gift did today.

An autistic boy that I've been seeing for years and years came in with his mother. He immediately began sniffing the air over an over. He was smelling the flowers, of course, and then he began talking SO MUCH about different things that have bothered him. He even cried because of the fact that he "remembered the smell of the house where they sold the puppy he was attached to" (the same flower-smell). He said the smell reminded him of when another dog was found on the side of the road after being hit by a car. He said that today his "brain was filled up with so many memories" he just couldn't stop the flood of memories. It was the most therapeutic session I've ever had with him and I'm going to use different scents to work with him in the future to help him open up.
In case you didn't know, smells are processed in the cerebellum (the most primitive section of the brain). This may be a therapy breakthrough for him.

And, it was all because of you.

:))

All this pain is worth it because I've helped a little boy. Thank you God for using me.

Just wanted to say this.....

This is part of what I sent to my family and friends and I wanted to post it here, too:

When we first got the news, we were on our way to a toy show. I was crying so hard I had to pull over and Mark and I held each other for the longest time. I felt so angry and kept asking "Why?". I was angry as I watched other cars being able to "travel forward" past us while we in a sense had to "turn around". Our parents had graciously taken our stuff and went to the show for us. It was pretty symbolic that we had to "turn around". I still ask why. I don't understand why we have this trouble and I feel we've been through enough.

But, what gives me comfort is that I know there is a reason. Before now, I had never thought about donor eggs...just like before I met Mark I hadn't thought much about organ donation. Yeah, I thought it was good, but I didn't know so much. I've heard from quite a few people that after they've heard about Mark going through everything he did, they realized how important organ donation was. I had written letters into local papers to get the word out. I feel honored that God chose us to help get the word out and it's something I feel extremely passionate about even now.

I feel God is doing the same thing here. Maybe He needs me to help get the word out about donor eggs and embryos. It may be possible that that may be the only way I get to carry a child, just like the only way Mark could live a normal life was through an organ donation. It's ironic that Mark has needed a donor and now I'm possibly in need of a donor. I don't know God's plan but I know His plans are for the good of me, not the bad. I trust Him and if this is the way to serve Him, I can do it. This doesn't mean it doesn't hurt....it sure does, more than anything has in my life. And I'm worried about the milestones we're about to hit, like when my period will come, when we should've had the pregnancy test, Christmas when I should've been pregnant, our Disney World vacation when I wasn't supposed to be able to ride the rides with the kids because I was pregnant, etc. Those will all hit hard....but I know with God's help, I can get through this.

I can tell you one thing, we're not giving up. It must be the Gustafson side in me, maybe the Berglund side. Well, when you put those 2 together, it can be dangerous. :) When you put a Gustafson/Berglund with a Wondra man....well, that's not good. :) I did tell the nurse at the office today that we weren't giving up and she smiled and said, "Neither are we." That meant so much to me. They really make you feel like a person and not just a number.

Through all this, I can tell you that I feel so blessed to have the marriage I do. What started out as a marriage and a love, has turned into a special bond that no one can understand. We've been through a transplant, heart attack, many other surgeries and now years of infertility with a failed IVF. Yet through it all, Mark and I are more devoted to each other than ever. Many couples can't handle infertility....we have among other things and have gotten stronger because of it.

For those who made it through this, kudos to you. :) Thank you. I felt led to say these things that were on my heart. There is a reason for everything. My mom sent me something not too long ago that said "Think of the last worst thing you've been through and realize you did get through that and you will get through this too." Sooo true. Thanks Mom...I love you. :)

Thanks again for all your support and love. We wouldn't be where we are today without it. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Love, Mark and Tammy

What we should be doing

At this point, Mark should be getting up, barely awake to take his toast and pills, me being very annoying and taking pictures of him in his semi-coma state, wishing he was back in bed but secretly happy at the same time.

I should be taking another shot, putting on my "Baby on Board" shirt I got from Michelle because I knew today I would have a baby in my tummy no matter what the outcome, having Mark take a picture of me in my shirt and me being annoying and dancing around, doing the hula and repeating "I'm going to be a mommy!"

We should be waiting for my mom and Peyton to pick us up and again taking annoying pictures of all of us while everyone else is sick of that stupid camera.

I should be crying tears of joy. Instead, I'm crying tears of sadness.

Instead of talking about putting embryos in me, I'm talking about using donor eggs or embryos.

Huh? How could things change so fast?

I know there's a reason and I do believe that. I also know I'll be okay. I'll get through this. Like a poem my mom sent "Think of the last worst thing you've ever been through. Know you did get through that and know that you will get through this too." And I know I will. It just takes time. I already slept better last night and although I haven't showered since Sunday (when I'm depressed, I don't care about hygiene), I have thought about it which is a big step.

I will get better....soon the posts will be more uplifting. Thanks for coming to my pity party and don't forget to grab your coat on the way out. It's a bit chilly.

Thanks again to all of you for your support. I truly love you all! (((HUGS)))

Shannie, can I get an invite to your blog? My email is in my profile. Thanks sweetie!

Talked to the doctor

Our doctor called today and the first thing he said was "This is a disaster". Of course, that wasn't what I needed to hear and the tears just flowed. He said this is very uncommon and, although he has seen it before, I am the first this year and he sees a lot of patients. He was very, very compassionate and apologized several times for not "being there for me" (he was out of town last week).

Basically because of the sperm situation....that I don't wish to go into detail here....chances are there is a problem with my eggs. I have to undergo some genetic testing that I won't know the results about for about a month. If we do decide to do IVF again, the soonest we would be able to do it would be January.

ICSI (where they insert the sperm directly into the egg) probably wouldn't have helped. I probably would've had more fertilize, but the fact that they didn't divide means there is something seriously wrong. We will be checking on the sperm, but most likely it's me.

The fact that I responded so well to the meds, had a good number of eggs retrieved and a good number of mature ones (9), leads more to the fact that there was something wrong with my eggs where only 4 fertilize but won't go anywhere. Based on stats, more than 4 should've fertilized anyway.

This could explain why some months I felt something happen but it was a BFN. It could be fertilizing, but not going anywhere beyond that. I always felt there was a reason...just didn't want to hear this.

Why us? Why did we have to get this road block? I'm 32 years old! I'm young...my eggs should be fine.

Thank you

I want to thank you all for the wonderful words of encouragement and support. I've read every single comment and each one has touched me so much. To have so many people love me and support me is amazing to me.....especially those who understand and know that just a simple "I'm sorry" can go a long ways.

I wish I could thank you all personally as each one of your comments came when I needed them most, so thanks.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers the next few days. I don't know how we're going to get through them. Tomorrow we should've been putting our babies inside us...instead in a sense we've buried them already. I know some would disagree that we had "babies" but in our minds, the minute fertilization takes place, it's a life. So, we feel we've lost 4 babies who are now angels. And I feel like such a terrible mom for not protecting them more.

I don't mean to play the "pity" card as I know many have struggled more than us and I admire those of you so much for your strength. You give me strength to keep going, so thanks. I realize I'm lucky to have such a great husband and this experience has brought us closer together. It still doesn't erase the pain right now, though.

Know that I love you all and that your support means everything. Thank you.

(((HUGS)))

Transfer is cancelled

None of the 4 divided. It's over. The transfer is cancelled.

Words can't describe what we're feeling.

I have to lay low....I'm sorry I can't be more supportive right now. I need a break from the board. Please know that I will be thinking of you all and praying for BFPs. Good luck.

No more anonymous

Sadly, I have decided to turn off my anonymous commenting ability. I wanted to keep this option open because I know a couple people like to comment who do not have a google account and I definitely wanted them to have the option to leave their support.

However, I have received a couple comments that, although tried to be helpful and informative, have bothered me. I respect everyone's opinions and information...I just don't want people to feel they have to hide their name from me. You can post it on the board or under your own name. I'm 32 years old and I can take it...I promise. I promise not to judge you and I respect your opinions.

I realize my journey has been more of a struggle than others, but I know less of a struggle than others. I'm sure there are plenty of women who have been in my shoes at this point. That doesn't mean they weren't dealing with "nonprofessionals"...it's just the luck of the draw. My IVF clinic came highly recommended and I have no regrets going to this clinic.

As much as some people don't like to hear this, I believe it's all in God's plan. He knows the right time and I trust Him. During one of my IUIs, I had the same number of eggs, same trigger shot and timing as someone else on the board. They had twins, I had a BFN. It just goes to show you that God is in charge.

This anonymous commenter stated I should be angry because of this. I want to thank you for watching out for me and I know you mean well. While I'm disappointed this hasn't panned out, I'm not angry. I know these doctors are doing the best they can and the way things happen are all in God's plan. Some will believe that and others won't...I just happen to be one of those who do.

And let's not forget, it's not over yet! They'll be calling me tomorrow. I'm just holding out on prayer along with many other people....thank you for that.

So, I apologize for having to turn off the anonymous comments. I really didn't want to do that. I want to know you and know how you feel. Please don't hide your name. I'll love you no matter what.

Our report today

Well, out of the 12, only 4 fertilized and none of them have started to divide...which they should've by now.

So the results aren't good. :( We're in shock and devastated.

Pictures and more info about the retrieval

Here are a few pictures that we took the day of the retrieval. We left our house at about 6:45 in the morning.

Here is Mark attempting to be up and ready to go.

Once again, Mark is "attempting" to be up

Mark, me and Peyton

Mark and I. No, I don't think Mark knows how to smile....especially at this time of the morning

My mom, Peyton and I

Everything went so well yesterday. I was a little nervous at first and Mark could tell. He was so sweet and would get me laughing and relaxed. That helped so much. At one point when they had me change into my gown, Mark said "You know, we could switch places. I don't think they would suspect a thing." He can always make me laugh.

The thing that was so special was that when I first woke up, I saw Mark standing right next to me with a smile on his face. He asked me if I had heard how many eggs and I told him I hadn't. He was so proud to tell me they retrieved 12 eggs. It was so special to me to hear it from Mark and not a nurse or doctor...not that they aren't cool, but to hear it from Mark was so special. I don't remember much, but Mark said I was pretty out of it and kept repeating myself. He said I said "Can you believe it? We're going to be parents" at least a dozen times. I was pretty excited. :)

I remember someone saying that after the retrieval, they felt a sense of loss from the follies. I can totally see where they are coming from. It was a little sad for me to realize that those 12 eggs that we had seen on ultrasounds for the last couple weeks were no longer in me. Granted, yes, I know it was a good thing and I was excited....but there was still that sense of loss and a little sadness.

Overall, I was one of the lucky ones who had no problems. I was really tired and slept when we got home at about 1 until 3:30. Then I was worried I wouldn't sleep that night so I forced myself to stay awake. Then I was in bed by 8 and slept in until 6:30 this morning which is late for me. Otherwise, I had very minimal cramping and a little low back pain, so I consider myself very lucky. It did hurt a little to go to the bathroom yesterday, but not bad.

I think I'm coming down with a cold, too, which could be why I'm tired, too.

I think about our 12 eggs so much. Like a protective mother, I just wanna be there and watch them and make sure they're okay and being treated right. :) I can't wait to hear tomorrow how our babies are doing.

Thanks again for all the support you guys! It means so much.

Our Flintstone Follies report

They retrieved 12 eggs! I'm not sure if all of them are mature or not. They will be calling on Saturday with the embryo report and we'll know then. That was more than they thought and were very happy with 12.

It went well. I'm just mostly tired and have a little back pain, but not too bad. I had a little cramping, but not like I expected.

Sorry this is short. I will catch up on everyone later, I promise...I'm going back to bed right now. :)

Thanks so much for all your support and prayers! It means a lot.

The HCG shot

More proof that my husband is a dork.

We're getting ready for the HCG shot. I can tell Mark is really nervous. It was actually cute how he was so nervous about it. :) In the typical Mark fashion, he asks me to take my pants and shirt off because it's "easier"....sure Mark.

So, I'm standing there naked, ready to get this HUGE needle poked in me and this is what Mark says:

"You're not going to fart on me, are you?"

I turn around and look at him "I'm about to get the biggest needle God ever invented into my skinny little behind and all you can think about is YOU getting farted on?"

Mark says "Well, think about it, Tammy. Your butt is right here! Wouldn't you be a little concerned?"

He's got a good point.

The schedule

Tonight we do the HCG at 9:30 p.m. The actual egg retrieval is set for 9:30 Thursday morning. :)

Pretty exciting! :)

I have to tell you a funny Peyton story on the way back from blood work this morning. Just to give you a little background, it was about 40 degrees out and pretty chilly out.

We drive by a lake.

Peyton: Peyton wants to go swimming!

Mom: No Peyton. You can't do that! It's cold out. You have your coat on.

Peyton: Peyton can take off her coat and then she can go swimming, right, Grandma?

I thought it was adorable. Just a simple fix to a simple problem, huh? :)

Egg retrieval is on Thursday!

Everything is really coming together! There were quite a few eggs today. We could have as many as 11 mature eggs, that's a big "could". :) I have to go down for another blood draw tomorrow, but the retrieval will definitely be Thursday.

How exciting huh? :)

Question for all the IVF'ers. I've noticed I'm exhausted. I'm so tired. Is that from the meds? I was thinking maybe it was from all the driving and Mark's heart issues and maybe I just wasn't sleeping real good. I'm emotional and crying over every little thing...which I know is probably from the meds....but just not sure about the fatigue part.

Here are pictures of our biggest Flintstone Follies:

Sunday ultrasound

Once again, everything looks great and coming along. :) There were quite a few more that popped up today from yesterday. My lining has jumped up to 14, too. So, we're going back tomorrow and we'll see how things look. They may decide to do the HCG on Monday, making the retrieval Wednesday, or may want to wait another day to see if they want to wait for the ones found on today's ultrasound. I guess we'll find out more tomorrow. :)

I did have 2 really big ones. When the tech was measuring, Mark said "Wow. Those are really big. They have to be Fred and Barney."

I just shook my head and rolled my eyes. I think the tech was trying to look like she hadn't heard him. :) I don't blame her. Mark can be a geek. :)

The clinic was really busy today. The waiting room was packed. We were sitting next to a woman who told me "I guess we're all on the same cycle." I smiled and nodded. On the way home, Mark brought that up and said "I was so excited that maybe she was talking about my kind of cycle. I wanted to ask her if she meant a Harley or a Honda!"

I'm telling ya, he's a geek. :)

And of course, a picture of the Flintstone Follies :)

Saturday ultrasound

Everything looks great! The largest ones were 20 mm and then there were a total of 8 that were 14 mm. My lining is at 11 which is great. We get to go back down tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood work. They are thinking the HCG shot might be either tomorrow or Monday. Therefore the retrieval will be Tuesday or Wednesday.

Wow. :) Pretty exciting! I wasn't able to get a picture this time. :( I was really bumming...but I'm definitely going to get one tomorrow. :)

Thanks to all for your thoughts and prayers for Mark. He's doing better and resting now. He only got sick once in the car this morning which is really good. I can already tell he's going to be the best dad. I knew he was sick and yet he still was very determined that he was going today. I know sometimes he overdoes things, but this is so important to him and it really means a lot to him to be there every step of the way. What a great story to tell our peanut about what a great dad he is.

I could tell yesterday's news really bothered him. He was thinking about it a lot yesterday. We had to drive to pick up my medication an hour away last night. We decided as much as we couldn't afford it, we would stop and eat at a restaurant. The whole time he kept telling me how much he loves me and how happy he is with me. I would catch him just staring at me and I could see how much he loves me. That's one silver lining in all this....we truly don't take each other for granted and we let each other know. Life is too short. We take the time to be with each other and even if we can't afford it, a night out.

On another note, we had a volunteer from a candidate's campaign come to our door. I really dislike that....it's just so annoying. This time, I opened the door and this was the first question out of his mouth:

"Is your mom or dad home?"

Ah, not good. I simply said "No. My husband and I own this place". I really wanted to take his clipboard and beat him silly, possibly landing myself on another episode of "Snapped". One bit of advice...never insult a raging hormonal chick. When I told Mark what the guy asked me, Mark looked at me and said "And he's still alive? Amazing."

My Markie-poo is sick :(

For those on my e-mail list, this is a repeat....sorry. :(

This morning, Mark had 2 bad episodes of lightheadedness and sweating. He had some chest pain and severe back pain. He vomited once. So, I took him in. His lab work came back fine, but his EKG showed significant changes. It's hard to say if these are new or changed within the last month when he was in the hospital. Something has happened.

The doctor and us decided that since the plan would be the same whether or not he had a heart attack this morning, we decided not to go into the hospital. Mark would rather rest at home. We've been given specific instructions to just lay low this weekend and come straight in if he has another episode.

Plus, he said he wouldn't miss a chance to see his Flintstone Follies again. :) He's such a great dad already.

Please keep Mark in your thoughts and prayers. This is pretty scary. He's been doing so well. I know he's terrified of having another heart attack, so please just keep him in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you!

Thursday ultrasound

Everything is looking good. :) We had 8 follicles over 10 mm. The largest one was 16 mm. Right now, they are predicting we may have 5 mature ones but that's not for sure and just a guess. But, everything is going very well!

My mom was able to go which was really special for me. I was glad she was able to be a part of it. Peyton also came which was fun. :) The nurses were so good to her. When the nurse found out Peyton was our niece, she said "We gotta get you some cousins!". :) The nurses asked Peyton how old she was and Peyton said "2. I've got big girl underwear on!" She is just soooo cute. :)

It was really special to have that experience with my mom and Peyton. Mark was there, too, of course. :)

Wlk nicknamed our follicles the "Flintstone Follicles" which we thought was pretty cool and we've been calling them that. Thanks Faith!

I've been having some burning and pain and feeling bloated, kind of like I've gained 20 pounds. I feel like someone has put 2 bowling balls in my stomach. But, I love it. :) Granted, yeah, it's not fun, but I know this is happening because of our babies, so it's worth everything to me. :)

We have another ultrasound on Saturday and I'm thinking the retrieval should be early next week.

Here is a picture of our "Flintstone Follicles". Aren't they the cutest thing you've ever seen? :)

Ultrasound results

We had another ultrasound today! There are 3 follicles on the right, the largest measuring 10 mm. There are 5 follicles on the left, the largest is 8 mm. Most of all the follicles are 7-8 mm. They said by the time of retrieval, there could be another 2. We were told this is a perfect amount at retrieval. :) Anyone agree, disagree?

My estrogen level was 217 which is perfect. :) They did increase the follistim injection to 300 from 225 to see if we could get the follicles responding a little more. That freaked me out as I thought something was wrong, but they said everything looked good, they just didn't want me on the meds forever, so they thought increasing it would help speed up the process. Anything for speeding it up is good news to me. :)

So, once again, everything looks great. :) We're superexcited at this point. It was great to see the follies again. Each one I kept thinking "I wonder if that's THE ONE". It's a great feeling. I was a little preoccupied as the nurse wanted me writing down the sizes as she was checking everything out. I'm sure that's quite the sight...me with my legs wide open with a clipboard staring at a screen. :)

Mark did inform me on the way home that he has named all our children. I looked at him and said "Okay, so I'm afraid to ask, but go ahead...what are the names?"

Mark starts counting on his fingers "Fred, Barney, Wilma, Betty, Pebbles, Bam-Bam, Mildred, Prudence. Do you know who Fred and Barney are?"

I roll my eyes "Ah, yeah....and if you name our child Pebbles, I'm signing the divorce papers immediately".

I really don't know where he gets some of these things.

For those IVF'ers, I've got a question. I've found I've had hot flashes and I've heard that's because of the Lupron. Is that true? I have to sleep with the fan on and with nothing but my underwear on. I'll be throwing the blankets off, then get cold, then have to throw the blankets off again. Meanwhile, Mark is laying next to me with his winter p.j.s and with his electric blanket on. :) It's actually kind of funny.

Memo to the Peanut

To: Our Peanut
From: Mommy

I can't believe it's almost here! In a couple weeks, you'll be in my tummy. Can you believe it? I hope God chooses to let you stay on Earth with Daddy and I. If He chooses to take you home to heaven, Daddy and I will be very sad, but we trust God and know He knows what's best for you, me and Daddy.

These last few weeks have been tough, Peanut. I've had to do a lot of shots and my tummy is sore. But you know what? It's worth it--every shot and every pain--because I know it brings us closer to you. Daddy's been giving me the shots and he's so good at it. He's so protective of me and doesn't like to hurt me. I can tell already he's going to be a great protective daddy and he loves you so much already.

Daddy and I love going to our ultrasounds. We know that one of those follicles will be you! It's the best feeling to see you. We've prayed so much for this moment and it's more than we could have ever imagined. Daddy and I have gotten so much closer, Peanut. We get to spend more time together during the shots and all the drives to the doctors. For the first time since trying to have you, we've felt this is truly an effort with both Daddy and I. Thank you for helping us have that experience.

We love you Peanut, more than we could ever imagine. We pray everything goes smoothly and we pray you'll be safely in my tummy and you will be able to spend your life here with us on Earth. We've wanted you for so long and can't believe it's almost time for your arrival! We can't wait to see you and meet you. You mean so much to us already and have brought so much joy to our lives.

I'll try to make my tummy as cozy as possible so you can make your home there for the next 9 months.

With all my love, hugs and kisses forever and ever.

Estrogen level

My estrogen level was 47 yesterday which I was told was perfect. :) So, same protocol for the follistim. We get the level checked again on Tuesday and have an ultrasound again then. We can't wait to see how our potential babies are doing. :)

My conversation with a 2-year-old

This was my phone conversation with Peyton tonight:

Tammy: Ah, Peyton, you're just so precious!

Peyton: I'm not pe-cious. I'M PEYTON!!

Tammy: Peyton, you can still be precious.

Peyton: NOOO!!! I'm not pe-cious!

Tammy: It's a good thing, though. Really, Peyton, you can be precious.

Peyton (starting to sniffle and cry): I-I-I'm P-p-eyton. I-I-I'm not pe-cious. Peyton's not pe-cious. (Crying starting to get harder).

Tammy: Okay, Peyton. I'm sorry. You're right. You're Peyton. You're not precious. Peyton is Peyton.

Peyton (sniffing starts to quiet down and you can tell she's smiling and starting to laugh): Yeah. I'm Peyton, not pe-cious. Peyton's not pe-cious. I'm Peyton.

Started the stims!

Yesterday I started the stims! They've actually been going pretty well. I started the Menopur yesterday morning. I had trouble mixing it up and I was nervous I didn't get all the medication in. But, when I talked to the nurse, she said it shouldn't be a problem and it sounds like I got enough in. Then I did the follistim last night. That went good, too, although Mark was having trouble pushing the injector button in from the pen. It seemed really hard to push in. Has anyone else had that? Otherwise, everything went great.

The only thing I didn't like was how the Menopur burns. Major burning! It's like take a piece of burning charcoal to my stomach, that'll feel much better. Anyone else have the burning or is it just me?

Tomorrow, we go in for labs. Then Tuesday and Thursday we have labs and ultrasounds. I just can't believe that it's soon here! In about 2 weeks I will officially be pregnant! I just hope our babies decide to stay here with us.

I wanted to show you guys a picture of Mark's and my vials of medication:



I really hope I don't accidentally give Mark some Menopur and Mark gives me some insulin. It wouldn't be so good if I have an insulin reaction and Mark's ovulating, huh?

Do not fear, only believe

If you look down at the side of my blog, I have a verse of the day. Today's verse is:

"Do not fear; only believe" Mark 5:36

That's so perfect for me right now and just what I needed. It's like God put that verse on there for me today.

Today we start the stimulation meds! There's a sense of anxiousness, excitement, nervousness, you name it. :)

But, I need not fear and only believe.

The shots are going very well so far! Mark's been doing a very good job. He actually enjoys it. He likes me to take off my shirt so it doesn't accidentally fall down while he's giving it to me....apparently he doesn't trust that I can't hold it up, or maybe there's another reason. :) He has to lean into me from the side to give me my shot, therefore leaning up into my bare chest.

See why he enjoys it so much? :) He tends to keep the needle in a little longer than the 5 seconds they recommend....I wonder why??

Our baseline ultrasound

Yesterday we had our baseline ultrasound after being on Lupron for 10 days. Both Mark and I were excited to see how things were going and I think the nurse could tell. Right away when she came in she asked "So, are you excited?". I smiled and nodded. She went on to say that it was getting to the point where things were going to go so fast and she was excited for us which I thought was really sweet.

Everything looks great! The nurse said things are right where they are supposed to be. She pointed out the lining to me and the uterus and then we looked at the ovaries. There are 8 follies on one side and 5 on the other. She said this was a perfect amount for a baseline.

Everything seems to be going so well and it's so exciting that everything is lining up so well. Just like it's meant to be.

Friday we start the stimulation meds. 3 shots a day. But after seeing those follies on the screen and knowing those are our potential babies, I'd do 100 shots a day. Okay, maybe not, but 3 is okay. :)