500th post

This is my 500th post. I’ve been thinking for weeks on what to write and honestly, I can’t think of much. And I’ve been pretty down this week.

Now before I get some “anonymous” letter in the mail telling me I need to count my blessings and be happy, etc., I want to assure you that I know I am EXTREMELY blessed. I am so grateful to have Mark here and alive and I know I’ve got the most amazing love. I wish everyone could have it.

But according to my therapist, after a crisis situation, it is very common for a week after to feel tired, depressed, anxious and not yourself and that’s exactly how I’ve felt. It’s not that I’m hating life or angry or bitter or anything and I definitely know how lucky I am to have Mark in my life. It’s just that I’m feeling just not myself.

I haven’t been sleeping well at all. I’m very worried if I don’t hear Mark snoring and if I don’t hear him, I panic and reach over to make sure he’s still breathing. Sounds crazy, I know, but if you have a terminally ill spouse, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

So, I’m tired, anxious, worried, etc. I’m not myself. But, knowing that it’s normal and actually healthy for right now makes me feel a ton better.

I know I haven’t been commenting as much on blogs. I will get better…..I promise.

Switching gears here

Knowing this is my 500th post, I’ve been thinking about when I started blogging. This was back in August 2007. I mostly started blogging because some of my friends from the NW board were leaving the board and mostly blogging. I wanted to stay in touch with them so I started blogging too.

Little did I know how much it would change my life. I started out with about 20 blogs. I now have 139 that I watch. I’ve meant so many wonderful women going through the exact same thing as me. I’ve talked to some of you on the phone. I’ve personally e-mailed some of you. I’ve exchanged Christmas cards, gifts, etc. with some and these are people I’ve never even met. I’ve thought of you guys more than I do my own family. I pray for all of you and I don’t know what I would do without you guys. No matter what, you guys are always there for support and love and I can usually find someone who has some advice for any situation.

And it all started with just a little blog.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

Easter baskets

We had gotten Easter baskets for Tyler and Peyton the day after Easter when the Easter stuff is 50%. You can either look at that as cheap or like the way we like to where we’re letting Easter last a little longer. I mean, we saved $20! :) Anyway, the day we were going to give them to Tyler and Peyton was the day Mark went into the hospital so we had told the kids they couldn’t have their baskets until Mark was out of the hospital and feeling better.

I picked up Tyler after school on Thursday, the day Mark was discharged from the hospital. The minute Tyler sees me, he runs up to me.

Tyler: Tammy! Is Mark out of the hospital?

Me: Awwwww, what a sweetheart. Yes, Tyler! He is.

Tyler: Is he feeling better?

Me: Tears in my eyes and just loving Tyler so much right now. Yes, he is, but he’s still pretty weak.

Tyler: Yay! Then we get to open our Easter baskets!

Sigh……from beyond sweetness to a typical kid.

Here are a few pictures of the kids getting their Easter baskets:


Here is Tyler giving Uncle Mark a hug after getting his basket


Here is Uncle Mark helping Peyton open up her basket

Now, in Peyton's basket was a Barbie doll. She loves dolls and loves to brush their hair and sleep with them and everything. So, we thought a nice doll would really be nice and Peyton would love it.

Little did we know, she would decide to dismember the doll and be proud of it:


Sigh.......

Here are a couple pictures of Mark the night before he had his heart attack and ended up in the hospital. We were at church at an Awana car derby. He looked so good that night and was spending so much time with Tyler and Peyton. I was glad I got these pictures:

I have the best mom!

I’ve probably said my mom was the best at least a dozen times, huh? But she really is. Let me give you a few reasons why:

1. On Tuesday when she had her Peyton day and had her day off work, she came down to the hospital and stayed with Mark so I could work and not worry about him. I know that had to have been a really long day at the hospital with Peyton, but she did it for me.

2. On Thursday when we were discharged, while we were waiting to be released from the hospital, she had me write up a grocery list and she went grocery shopping for us so we wouldn’t have to worry about it.

3. She told me she would take care of supper. She brought a jar of her famous spaghetti sauce (which is the BEST!) and then told me she had 3 bags in the refrigerator that needed to just be mixed up for a salad for supper. When I opened up the refrigerator later, I saw the mixings of my most favorite cabbage salad in the whole world! It was an awesome surprise!

4. When we had gotten home, I had noticed a frosting container on the counter. I couldn’t figure out why I had gotten frosting out as I hadn’t baked obviously in the last week (which proves just how exhausted I was). Finally I noticed the pan sitting right next to the frosting container which had a little belated birthday cake for us and all I had to do was frost it. Again, a wonderful surprise.

5. She came down later that night after telling me she had to “put something together”. She comes to the house with a big bucket of my favorite mocha drink that she had mixed together. Of course, it’s half gone now…just kidding.

She did all this for me while she is also working on 3 memory quilts for our peanut fund so in a sense, she is spending time with her “grand-peanut”. And I know if any of us 4 kids were in the same situation as I am, she would do the exact same thing. Her kids and grandkids are so important to her.

Mom, thank you. You’re always so busy and yet no matter what, you’re always there for us. I love you!

Mark is home!

This is a copy of the e-mail I sent to family and friends just a few minutes ago. Sorry if this is a repeat to those on my e-mail list.

Thank you SOOOO much everyone for your comments during Mark's hospitalization (and always of course :)). They mean the world to us! I'll be getting caught up on blogs soon! Been thinking of you all!

Mark was discharged today! He’s very happy to be home and although is still feeling very weak and tired, is doing pretty good. His blood pressure is still a little high but not bad and his kidney is doing great! We have a couple appointments with the cardiologist and Mark’s primary doctor (who mark my words will NEVER go on a vacation again...just kidding! :)) to see about the next steps in his care as he seems to be getting weaker and his heart and body just can't seem to handle these stomach episodes.

Many have been asking how I’m doing and thanks for your concern. I’m doing well as long as I triple dose on the Prilosec…just kidding. Of course I have my moments, but I’m okay and seeing Mark bounce back and look so much better makes me appreciate him that much more and realize how lucky I am to have him in my life. Thanks so much for asking.

We want to thank you all for your e-mails, calls, thoughts and prayers. I read every single one of the e-mails to Mark when he was feeling better and it made him feel good hearing about all the people praying and thinking of him. And for those who visited, thank you! I know he isn't the best company but just your presence, whether it's 2 minutes or 2 hours, makes him feel better knowing you stopped, so thank you! I know it isn’t easy to see him like that, but it truly means a lot to him and to me.

For those who went out of their way for us (you know who you are), whether it was staying with Mark when I needed someone to, helping us out with Eddie or the house, bringing a b-day card or cake, having a shoulder to cry on, being someone to talk to or get advice from or worrying about Mark’s numbness…..thank you so very much. It doesn’t go unnoticed and to you, it may seem like nothing, but to us, it was everything so thank you!

And I know there are a couple families receiving this e-mail who are going through a lot right now (you know who you are). Know that Mark and I are thinking and praying for you guys so much and we hurt that you hurt. You guys are very special to us and we love you guys.

Thank you again. We love you all.

Love,
Mark and Tammy

Today's update and thank you to everyone!!

Thank you sooooo very much for all your opinions and help. It really means so much.

Mark is doing much better and he'll probably go home tomorrow! This afternoon he was up and walking around, although very weak and unsteady. But, he's doing good...blood pressure is much better, sugars are much better and kidney is doing good. I know he'll get stronger in a few days so I'm not too worried about that.

Long story short, I did talk to HR and after talking to them (and crying) I signed up for FMLA. I'm covered now if this happens again with Mark and covered up to 12 weeks. Thank goodness that's not a concern anymore. I had had a tough morning where I had gotten a couple e-mails from my leads and my director that really bothered me. I had just felt like I was getting reprimaded all the time for everything. HR was very nice and cooperative and, although they explained the policy and stood by it, was compassionate about the situation which was what I needed. The poor HR representative had to listen to the dam bursting and I just let loose. She then talked to my director and we set up the FMLA. I did talk with my director and we had a long talk which was what we needed I think. I explained just how sick Mark was and that he was chronically and terminally ill and that one of these times he wasn't going to come home. I think that opened her eyes and I think it also made her realize why trying to have a baby is so important to us right now.

It was a very long and emotional morning but I'm glad things were said as I felt they needed to be. Oh, and get this.....my director said my lead was upset because on Friday when I had to bring Mark into the hospital as a direct admit (obviously very sick), I just told her I was taking Mark in and I didn't ask if I could. I was speechless. I mean, seriously? I have to ask if it's okay that I take my husband in to the hospital??

But, it's over and now I'm on FMLA and I don't have to worry about the unscheduled PTO any longer. That's a huge relief.

I wanted to answer a few questions/comments here that were asked by you wonderful, awesome people :)

Have you had any write ups for unplanned PTO? Not "a talking to"- but actually in your file? No, I haven't had any write ups, but when I was talked to, they had apparently talked to HR and so they were aware of the situation and when I talked to them this time, they knew about the history of too much PTO. But, no "formal" write ups in my file.

Your leads may just not be thinking outside of the box- they have a job to do and a quota to meet and you are a warm body they need to type fast to help meet that quota- I am not saying it is right- just may be that they don't understand that Mark is more important. To them getting the job done is what is important. I hope I am making sense???? Absolutely! And I can totally see if from their side, too. I mean, they have to sick to their policy and make sure everything is done so I can see that way, too.

Give Mark a wedgie from Jen and I. :) Done. :) When I was helping him get dressed, he said I really didn't have to pull up his underwear so much....oops. :)

What I would suggest is going in and talking directly with HR. For important things I like to talk face to face. I agree! I was glad when I finally talked to them. But, I wanted the "rules" of FMLA and how it related to PTO to be in writing. I didn't want to go through the "you said" thing and not have the proof. But, after I had that in writing, I felt much better going to HR personally.

It is great that you are trying to update them on your situation and letting them know that this is a hard time for them and you need them to be flexible. Would they rather you keep them in the dark? Amen! My feelings EXACTLY!

Thanks again to everyone for your opinions and help!

I have to close with this. I was with Mark in his room and the TV was on. The volume button was broken so we couldn't hear anything so all we could do was watch. We weren't really watching it anyway but I was too tired to move to shut it off and Mark didn't feel like it either (how sad are we?). Anyway, Day.s of O.ur Li.ves was on. I hadn't seen that for about 10 years since my college days. But, get this.....even with the sound off, I still knew everyone and could tell you what was going on just by watching it...no sound. Crazy.

Today's update and loooooong vent

You ready for this?

Today, he had a Popsicle and mashed potatoes AND took a shower!! Mark said I had a little too much fun scrubbing him up in the shower....oops. :)

Then he did try to take a pill and it came right back up all over his sheets. :(

But, heck, we have progress! He says he's going home tomorrow and he might. I told him he has to prove himself by keeping some pills down. I don't want to jump the gun. His sugars are finally good, although his blood pressure and pulse are still high. His kidney numbers are great, which is always a relief.

We'll have some decisions to make after this. They are talking about a gastric stimulator to help his stomach. That's a surgery and we've been told his heart probably wouldn't be able to handle a surgery. Then, with his heart attack this time, they may want to do an angiogram, but the last time Mark had one done, we were told his blockages were so bad that he would need a heart transplant, so we really don't see the point in doing that only to find out the blockages are worse (can they really get worse than that???).

So, anyway, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers and thank you for all the prayers. I know we'll have more hard decisions to make.

Okay, now I need to vent so if you don't want to hear me rant, that's okay! You can stop reading now if you want. :) I understand

I was hesitating to post this but I would love to hear from those who have experience with this as maybe they can give me some insight. I didn't want work to read this, but this is all facts so if they do, I've done nothing wrong.

As a little background, some may recall that when we had our donor IVF cycle trial in Feb, I got into a little hot water at work for all the unscheduled PTO I had been taking. I was told by my director that the next time Mark was in the hospital that I shouldn't have to sit with him and that I can work and just go in and see him. When I told her that just my presence helps Mark and that his doctor could vouch for it, she said I could have every doctor in the world vouch for Mark and it wouldn't make a bit of difference as far as unscheduled PTO. I find that a little hard to believe, but whatever.

Just for a little info, we only live about a mile from the hospital (where Mark is at when he's in and who I work for even though I work from home).

So, Friday when I had to take Mark in, I sent an e-mail to my 2 leads explaining that I had to take Mark in and that I couldn't work the rest of the day. Neither responded back to me so I was nervous all weekend long thinking I was going to get written up for using unscheduled PTO. Monday comes along and, because I was afraid of getting written up, I worked. I did e-mail my leads right away in the morning, explained Mark had a heart attack and explained that I had to take extra breaks to run down and check up on Mark and that if he needed me I would stay. I asked them to respond so I knew it was okay.

They both responded and the one said she was sorry about Mark but told me the work load was really high and that they needed me to work as much as possible please and said thanks. That irritated me. I responded back saying I was working but Mark was my priority and if he needed me I was going to be there for him. I said I was working then so that should say something about how I was dedicated to working, but as much as she didn't want to hear it, Mark came before work. And as far as the work load, we could outsource more work to an outside company so that wasn't an issue. I never got a response back.

I'm ticked and pretty hurt. I was just not happy and I felt like they were trying to make me mad to get me to quit (they've done that to a couple people). I know Mark goes through these episodes and so far we've been lucky that he pulls through. But reality is (and I think I'm a realistic person), Mark is chronically and terminally ill and the fact is a sudden death is very likely due to a heart attack or other issue. One of these times he will not come back home and how would I feel if I was working when that happened.

When he had his heart attack, ironically he came in for stomach issues and was in the hospital, was sleeping at 2 in the morning and suddenly had horrible chest pain. Luckily I was right there and was able to call the nurse. He begged me not to leave him because he was afraid he wasn't going to make it. It happened so fast. One minute he was sleeping, the next, clutching his chest and not knowing if he was going to make it.

After that, I promised myself that I would never be put in that situation where I wasn't there for Mark. I know you can't live thinking you have to stay by that person 24/7 in case something happens, but at times when it's more risky, like when he's in the hospital, I want to be there and I don't want to live with regrets.

I did e-mail HR to ask them about FMLA and if that would qualify as unscheduled PTO in the event this happens again and how that would affect my job. I explained that, although it always seems that Mark will snap out of a hospital stay and everything will be okay, his situation is so fragile that anything can happen at any time. I also said what my director had said about the fact that I should work when Mark's in the hospital. I haven't heard back from them yet.

So, what do you guys think? Did I handle it right by e-mailing HR? What would you do in my situation? I have a great job that I can do at home and I need my job so I can't jeopardize it.

Any opinions? Thanks guys!

Picture this....

You're standing by the love of your life's side while he lays in the hospital. You're just making sure he's okay and that he has everything he needs.

He looks like he hasn't slept in days. His hair looks like he was just electrocuted with enough jolts to light up a city. He has oxygen tubing from his nose and has an IV stuck in his arm making his hand swell up about twice the size it should be. His puke bucket is sitting right next to him. He has cotton taped in several different places from the many times he's been poked for lab.

Then, slowly he lifts up his arms. You know it's harder than heck for him to do it as he is so weak.

But he lifts them up and you know he wants a hug. Then in a very hoarse voice, because he hasn't eaten or drank in 4 days, he whispers "I love you".

Now that's true love and that's what I have.

Everyone should be so lucky to experience it.

I'm so blessed.

**Just a quick update** Mark is still pretty sick and pretty weak. He's been sleeping a lot which is good but he's not able to keep his pills down at all anymore. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much!

Update on Mark

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts and prayers and asking about Mark.

He was able to keep his anti-rejection pills down! That's really great news. He's still pretty sick, though. His blood pressures are sky-high and his sugars are way out of control. This pretty much happens every time he's in the hospital. Last time, it seemed like all the extra meds and insulin they gave him all of a sudden started working the last day and he bottomed out. So, of course I'm worried about that.

He's been sleeping a lot or trying to. When he's awake, he's throwing up. :( And he's a little crabby....but I guess I would be, too, if I had to stay in the hospital and put up with a sleep-deprived, stir-crazy wife.

Hopefully he'll be able to keep his pills down within the next day or 2 and we can go home.

I'm sorry I haven't updated before now. To be honest, I was really down and discouraged. I think part of the reason was yesterday was my birthday and to be spending it in the hospital just plain sucked. Yeah, it's just another day and you can celebrate it any day....but would you really want to spend your birthday in the hospital? I think not. Mark has apologized many times for it but I just thank him because he's putting off me getting older. :) It makes him feel better. Our plan was to go to Red Lobster as that's on my "bucket list" (pretty sad, huh?) so we will just have to do it another day and really celebrate. :)

I cried a lot yesterday. I would go home and check up on Eddie and I would just sit on the deck and cry. I never wanted to cry in front of people or Mark because I didn't want them to know I was hurting. Basically I'm scared. I'm scared of what's happening. A few years after the transplant, Mark was doing incredibly well. We went almost 2 years with him not being in the hospital at all. I realized yesterday that for the last year, it's been every 4 months he's had an episode and it's always the same thing with basically the same time frame. This time it was different, though. This time he has had more episodes of SVT (supraventricular tachycardia) that he had shown on his defibrillator, and it seems like his heart couldn't take the stomach thing as his troponin enzymes went up...something that has never happened before. That scares me big time.

So, yesterday it got me thinking. And I'm just going to be blunt here....what if this is the "beginning of the end"? Mark has already beat the odds. But, now it seems it's "conveniently" every 4 months he's in the hospital and this time his heart didn't respond well to it at all. We've always assumed he's just caught a virus, but the timing is just too coincidental to me. I'm so terrified of losing Mark right now. I know, I shouldn't be thinking about that and to enjoy my time with him, but I'm a realistic person and to me, it seems like his stomach and heart are "giving up".

And at the same time, it's killing me to watch him suffer. Yesterday I prayed to God not to let him suffer anymore. Take him home. He's had enough.

And you can imagine what I was thinking about all the TTC stuff yesterday....not going to happen and that we should just stop trying.

So, yesterday was a bad day.....and to have all those thoughts going through my head on my birthday---well, it just kind of was overwhelming. I didn't want to talk to anyone and didn't really answer my phone.

Okay, enough talking about that.

I have to tell you about Peyton and Tyler to kind of lighten the moment. Friday night my parents brought Tyler and Peyton to see us. When they came in, Peyton announced to me right away that she had to change her shirt and wear her polka dots shirt before they came to see Uncle Mark. I asked her if she got her other shirt dirty. She said "No. I know Mark likes my polka dots shirt so he can poke the polka dots and I know my shirt will help him feel better." It was so sweet. It did get a smile out of Mark. :)

Then yesterday my sister and BIL came with Tyler and Peyton. They brought a couple magazines and a chocolate cheesecake for my birthday cake. :) My sister told me that Tyler and Peyton had picked out the cake for me. Tyler told me "Mommy asked what kind of cake we should get you and Peyton made me say chocolate". I said to Tyler "Well, that's okay because I love chocolate!" Then Tyler smiled and said "I knew you would".

He's a smart cookie. He knew he was covered whether I liked the cake or not. :)

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and prayers and asking about him. It means more than you know.

Mark had a small heart attack

Happy flipping birthday to Tammy, huh? :(

This is the e-mail I sent to family and friends. Sorry if this is a repeat.

Obviously Mark is in the hospital. :( It turns out he had a small heart attack. It was more of what they call a "troponin leak" but abnormal enough that they call it a small heart attack. In order to determine that, they check troponin levels (heart enzymes) every 6 hours. Normal is up to 0.5 and Mark's went to a high of 0.84. His last heart attack he was at 3.6 so it obviously was a small one. His EKG didn't show significant changes so they have decided to keep him here rather than transfer him to a teritary center to run more heart tests.

Mark is still pretty sick, but he has been trying to take his pills. He's been resting a lot as they've given him some antianxiety medication so that helps him sleep. It doesn't help his stomach, but at least he can sleep through it.

By the way, I know some have tried calling the hospital but we've unplugged his phone so he can rest. I do have my cell phone with me on vibrate so if you want to get a hold of us, you can call at ******* and it won't bother Mark. (I don't want to publish it on my blog..sorry!)

I haven't been able to respond to all the e-mails, but I do read them and appreciate them all so much! I wanted to thank those who have sent birthday wishes. It means so much and I needed that so much right now so thank you! Thanks for remembering and thanks so much for the e-mails. It truly, truly means a lot.

Please continue to keep Mark in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much for the e-mails, thoughts, prayers and support. (((HUGS)))

I haven't been able to check blogs but I think of you guys! I'll get caught up soon.

Thank you sooooo much for all the support! Love you all!

Mark's in the hospital

Thank you all SOOOO much for your comments, thoughts, emails and prayers. It means so much.

Mark was admitted earlier this morning. I talked to Mark's doctor who told us to just go to the Med/Surg....bypass the ER and clinic, so that's what we did. Sad when they know him that well that we can do that. :( They gave him some antianxiety medication to help him sleep so he's been resting now. He still can't keep anything down but at least he can sleep through this.

I just came home real quick to let our dog out and clean up a little and I'm heading back down. But I wanted to update you guys and thank you so much for the prayers. I'll get back on later when I can, but I wanted to thank you all soooo much. It means alot.

(((HUGS)))

Prayers for Mark please

I'm writing this now as I'm sure Mark will be admitted and I'm not sure when I'll get a chance to e-mail.

Mark is pretty sick. It came on so suddenly. Wednesday night, he was fine, at the Awana derby, watching the kids and having a good time. Thursday morning, he woke up very sick, throwing up and not able to keep his pills down at all. Plus, his nerve pain was acting up and he was in severe pain and screaming because it hurt so bad. He said it was like his ankles were broken. Poor guy. It was hard to hear him screaming.

He thought he was feeling better yesterday afternoon, but then was sick all night and it was a really rough night. So, we have an appointment today and I'm 100% sure he'll be admitted.

I'm sure it's just his gastroparesis acting up again and chances are he'll be fine and back home in a week. The scary thing is that when his gastroparesis is acting up, he can't keep his pills down and there is a risk of rejecting the kidney. He gets really scared about that and that's his main concern.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. If you don't hear back from me, you will know he was admitted and I will keep you updated when I can.

Thank you so much!

My Markie-poo is sick :(

First, head over to Megan. She just got her BFP! Congrats girl!!

Mark woke up very sick this morning. It came on so suddenly. The poor guy has been sitting on the toilet while throwing up in the tub. Poor guy. Plus, his nerve pain is acting up severely and he's in a lot of pain and he can't take meds to help because of his stomach and just throwing them right back up. He's screaming and it's so hard to hear.

Last night he was feeling great and then it just hit so hard.

Poor guy. I feel so bad for him. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

Pity party is over!

Thanks so much for the support you guys. It means a lot. Once in awhile, I have those days where it's just "man, this sucks" and yesterday was one of them. I know you guys understand and I love the support you give. Thank you guys!

I've been thinking a lot about my IVF and how I never made it to the transfer. Some days this really gets to me. In some ways I feel like I missed out on so much.

But, I've broken the bad and good things about missing the transfer and I was surprised at the results:

Bad things:
1. Wasn’t “pregnant until proven otherwise”
2. Didn’t get a picture of my embryos/babies
3. Felt like I missed out on the “best part of IVF”

Good things:
1. If I would have made it to the transfer and if it would’ve been a BFN, I would have blamed myself. This way I know I did everything I could
2. I got to see the good in my RE’s office when they reimbursed me for my transfer which they didn't have to do
3. I got to meet my donor angel and Stacey
4. Mark and I got to spend time with his niece and her family that we otherwise probably wouldn’t have done
5. I met Megan and got to talk to her on the phone. She has been a doll and so helpful
6. I’ve done more research on donor eggs and donor embryos and have gotten the word out
7. I’ve met more bloggers who are undergoing or have underwent donor eggs and/or embryos
8. I missed out on the progesterone shots :)

God is so good to me. There are some days I'm honestly grateful I didn't make it to the transfer. It may have been too much and God knows that. Although, I still feel I missed out on a lot, I feel I've gained so much.

So very, very much.

God is good and I'm so grateful to have all of you in my life.

Warm fuzzies

I've been reading through some of my old posts. I don't know why. I think I may be bored or something....or just need a life. I guess I've just been interested in how my journey has been.

Anyway, I came across this:

I remember at my 30th surprise birthday party watching Tyler playing with the boys and wanting so much to have our own that the boys could play with. But I reassured myself that by the time I turned 31, I could have a baby but most likely be pregnant. By the time I was 32, I would most likely have a baby, but definitely be pregnant at least.

Saturday I turn 33. I neither have a baby nor am I pregnant, not even close.

Doesn't that just give you nice, warm, little fuzzies???? Sigh.....

Just some random pictures

Tyler

Tyler and Tammy

Peyton and Tammy

Mark with his 50th birthday centerpiece

Peyton

Tyler

Tammy and Peyton

Mark, Tammy and Peyton

Grandma, Papa and Peyton

Peyton getting ready for bed and needing to wear her stocking cap. :)

Happy Easter!

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

Answers to questions

Several people asked questions and I wanted to answer them:

If someone wanted to donate their eggs to you. Say a friend, is that even possible? Do you have to go through a clinic? How does that work? That is definitely possible and something I've definitely looked into. I actually tried a very sweet known donor angel and unfortunately that didn't work out. You can go through a clinic. You have to both see a psychologist and they highly recommend having a lawyer draw up a contract. There's a lot of stuff to deal with, but it's definitely possible.

Is this waiting list so long because there aren't alot of people who donate thier embryos? Or is it more of a paperwork/red tape list? Yeah, basically people don't donate a whole lot basically because they want to store them for future use. Not too many people are aware of the long wait. Usually, it's a situation where the couple has died or divorced and no longer want their embryos. As most people know, you are given a choice when you first do the IVF what you want done with the leftover embryos.

Tammy, have you thought of adopting frozen embryos? I saw a program on this and it was really cool! http://www.nightlight.org/snowflakeadoption.htm. I have looked into this and I think it's great. The only thing is that it's basically like an adoption so you have to do the home study and everything. With Mark's health, we probably wouldn't pass that. So, we want to try other options first. With donor embryo lists, you don't have to do the home study.

It always irritates me that for us, we have to show we're capable of adopting when others can just have babies. A lot of times I feel infertiles go through so much and are sometimes actually more prepared for parenthood than some others. Notice I said SOME! I know that doesn't refer to all.

Thanks for the questions guys! It means you care and that means a lot!

Sisterhood award

I was nominated by Kami, Tiffany and Amber for this award. This means so much to me that these friends think I have a great attitude. I try to look at the positive and be completely honest at the same time and although I can be negative, I try to turn it into a positive.

Kami: You’re amazing sweetie. With all the frustrating news you got with this last IVF cycle, you still praise God so much and love Him. It’s truly inspiring. I’m so sorry this cycle didn’t work.

Tiffany: You’re so strong. Not only do you have to deal with your own infertility issues, but also family troubles. Your strength is so admirable.

Amber: You amaze me by your strength to keep going after your failed IVF. You have such a positive attitude about it and I admire you.

Rules of The Sisterhood Award:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award

Okay, so you all know how hard it is for me to pick just 10 people. Sigh…..

Seriously, I can’t imagine going through this journey with these blogger friends. Other than Kami, Tiffany and Amber, I choose these people for the award.

1. Caroline: I think you get the award for the most frustrating IVF cycle ever unfortunately. You still stay focused on God and I admire that.
2. Michell: You’ve been through so much and you never give up. And you recognize the positives in this journey.
3. Tracy: I don’t know if I know anyone who has been through more than you. You keep going and never give up. It gets so frustrating for you but you still keep going.
4. Kathryn: You guys have been trying about as long as we have and you’re the one who encourages me so much by suggesting books, offering to talk to your mom, etc. Thank you!
5. Tracey: You are absolutely amazing to me with the strength you have and how much you love your family. When I’m down, I think of you and you give me so much hope and strength. Thanks!
6. Michelle: I love you so much girl. You’re the strongest person I know and the only person I can think of who could turn Nick’s deployment into a positive thing. You’re simply amazing girl!
7. Stacey: You’re one that I’ve been so blessed to meet and I’m so grateful. Your strength and faith is amazing to me with all the losses you have. You’re amazing and a hero to me.
8. Megan: You’ve been through so much and have been so helpful to me discussing donor embryos. You’re so strong.
9. Tiffany: You also have been through so much and never gave up. I’m sooo glad you finally have your pumpkins.
10. Megan: You’re always so funny while dealing with IF. You make it easier and comical. Thank you!
11. Malia’s mom: You also have been through a lot to get Malia and you’re so encouraging and inspiring.
12. Erin: You’ve always been so positive in your journey and praising God and I’m so glad you have your peanut.
13. Tina: You’re an amazing person with all you do. One of the sweetest people on this earth.
14. Mrs. LaLa: Our situations are similar with our husbands and you never dwell on that with all you’re going through. You’re one tough cookie.
15. Jess: You never give up and have such a great attitude.
16. Onemorebaby: Like Tina, you’re just an overall amazing person and have always been just a phone call away for me. It means more than you know.
17. Dreambaby: I admire you so much.
18. Amy: You went through a lot to get your son and you always stayed positive. You’re an inspiration.
19. Rachel: Words can’t even describe you. You have been through so much and still stay devoted to God and love Him. You simply amaze me and I love you.
20. Jill: You've also been through a lot and I'm soooo happy you've finally gotten your BFP!

Okay, yeah, once again I broke the rules. But I was nominated 3 times, so technically I could nominate 30 people…..right?

Congrats everyone! Thanks for being here and being my sisters. (((HUGS)))

Award and donor embryo update

I’ve been nominated for this award by two very, very special friends, Kami and Tiffany. I’m going to be getting to it tomorrow...I promise! I want to thank you guys sooooo much for thinking of me! That’s so sweet! (((HUGS)))

I wanted to give a little TTC update.

It’s been really hard to just sit around and do nothing. So, I’ve been checking into clinics about embryo donation and talked to another friend about it....thanks so much Megan! I’ve been getting as much information as I can about it and calling clinics.

It’s been extremely disappointing.

I went online and found 4 clinics closest to us. I called the clinics in the order that they were closest.

Clinic #1: Didn’t have an embryo donation program, but gave me another number I could call who does. So, I did and talked to them. Their wait was about 1-2 yrs but their price was about $2300 and it didn’t cost anything to get on the list. So, they are sending me out info and I got their website address. After I hung up the phone, I checked out their website. Lo and behold, it is simply an embryo storage facility and the $2300 is just the cost of the embryos...then it’s shipping and all the other costs with the clinic who does the actual procedure. Yikes...can you imagine??

Scratch that.

Clinic #2: Left a message for them. Their message stated something like “due to high volumes and how busy they were, nonemergency calls will be returned on an as needed basis, sometimes up to 2 weeks, but most can expect a call back within a couple days”. Well, to me, that wasn’t a good sign. I did leave a message on Monday and still haven’t heard anything…but I don’t expect to hear back for a long time.

Scratch that.

Clinic #3: This one was weird to me. Right now I guess they are putting their donor embryo program “on hold” to get “caught up” with other things. They are thinking about getting back into it, but it will be awhile and maybe up to a year. They said to call back if I can’t find anyone to help. Doesn’t that seem a little odd??

Scratch that.

Clinic #4: They have a program and their wait list is about 1-2 years. It doesn’t cost anything to be on the list, but you have to have a consult with them...which I assumed. They do have another list for “nonestablished patients” but they will be getting to that list when all the “established patients” have been used and honestly, they probably will never get to that list because there is always an established patient. This clinic was about 9 hours away (but close to where my brother lives) so it was a clinic that I wasn’t too keen on in the first place and I’m not sure about getting established when the wait is still so long anyway.

Scratch that.

I know I do have options and I’m grateful for that, but it doesn’t seem real positive, especially after hearing about other women who have such a shorter wait list and the cost is so much less. It was pretty discouraging to me. I’m going to call the clinic in Michigan where Megan is today and see. At least my brother is fairly close to there (within a few hours) so maybe we could make a little vacation out of it.

It’s also so sad to me how many people are in need of donor embryos. I never realized it until now. Such a long wait and so many people wanting to be parents who can’t unless someone gives a precious gift.

I don’t know. It’s so frustrating and disappointing. I know a lot of people would be like “Hello, Tammy! Take it as a sign! Give up! It’s not meant to be!”. And I guess in some ways, I’d agree with them. But, I can’t. I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t do it. I can’t just give up. I can’t sit back and do nothing. I just can’t. Call me crazy, call me insane, whatever. I like to think of myself as a mother who would do ANYTHING for her child.

I keep thinking that if I just talk about our story that maybe someone somewhere will hear about it and maybe give me more options or possibly even someone knowing someone who can help give me the gift. So, that’s my goal...I’m just getting out our story. God will provide if He wants it to happen.

And we’re hoping if we get enough money saved up, we will go ahead with the donor IVF cycle. I really don’t want to be in debt having a baby, especially with Mark’s health. I don’t want to have a bunch of loans having a baby. I know....a baby would be totally worth it. But, I also want to provide for my baby and not have to worry about money so much. So, we’re planning on saving and saving to have enough to pay for a donor cycle. I would do it in a heartbeat if I knew we could financially afford it.

Okay, I’ve babbled enough. I feel better getting it out though.

Thanks for listening! Love to all!

When we first started TTC.....

When we first started TTC, I didn’t know what OPKs, HPTs, DPO, BFP, BFN, RE, etc. meant.
Now....that’s a part of my daily conversation.

When we first started TTC, I excitedly bought OPKs and HPTs.
Now....we just paid our last payment from the loan we took out for the tests. Okay, not really, but it sure seems like it.

When we first started TTC, egg whites were something we ate.
Now....Mark will never eat egg whites again.

When we first started TTC, I peed in a toilet and flushed it.
Now....I’ve peed in cups and baggies and saved pee and I’ve done this in gas stations, restaurants, doctor’s offices, sporting events, porta potties and, if I’m lucky, at home.

When we first started TTC, I didn’t know what a basal thermometer was.
Now....we have 3 of them (from when I bought new ones thinking the old one just had to be broken because the temperature just had to go up as I know I ovulated…come on, admit it, you know you’ve done it :)). When I’m sick, the basal thermometer is the only one I can find and I won’t have a fever, but I think to myself that’s a post-O temp…at least I know I ovulated.

When we first started TTC, we were adamant that it would be “our” baby, Mark’s sperm, my eggs.
Now....we’d take a baby the mailman gave us and it’s tempting to go into high schools finding pregnant girls and running up to them begging them for their baby.

When we first started TTC, I excitedly walked through the baby section of stores, dreaming, wanting and sometimes purchasing.
Now....I will purposely walk to the other end of the store and around, way out of the way, just to avoid the baby section.

When we first started TTC, I loved going to baby showers, dreaming about how exciting it was going to be when mine came along.
Now....I have a crying fest when I get an invitation in the mail and I just can’t go to any anymore.

When we first started TTC, doctors were just a part of Mark’s life and his routine.
Now....they are more a part of my life and my routine and most have become like family to us.

When we first started TTC, hearing about my sister’s pregnancy stirred up more feelings of jealousy rather than excitement.
Now....I love and cherish Tyler and Peyton more than I ever thought I could. I am so blessed and I don’t think I would cherish and love them as much as I do if we hadn’t gone through what we have. I’ve gotten to watch Mark’s love grow with Tyler and Peyton and see his smiles and eyes glowing just talking about them and see how much they mean to him.

When we first started TTC, I had mostly just family and close friends’ phone numbers in my cell phone.
Now....I have 19 additional new numbers and some I talk to or e-mail more than I do some of my family.

When we first started TTC, Hawaii was a dream vacation for us that deep in my heart, thought it would always be a dream and not a reality.
Now....we have not only been to Hawaii, but we have also been to Texas which is another place we’ve always wanted to go and have met three very sweet blogger friends whom I cherish so much.

When we first started TTC, I mostly cried when I was sad or scared and mostly cried for myself.
Now....I cry all the time, when I’m sad, happy, scared, mad or excited and usually it’s not only for me, but for people I’ve met online and never met in real life but feel closer to some of my friends I’ve known all my life.


Like one of my favorite country singers says: “I could have missed the pain, but I’d of had to miss the dance” and “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”.

I'm still here....TTC update, too

I have to admit, I’m still feeling down. Last night, I had a talk with Mark which really helped. I didn’t realize how much I had been shutting people out until he told me how much he missed me. When I asked him about it, he said he noticed I had been distant lately and he knew why but he didn’t know how to help. I just let him hold me while I cried and it felt so good. I felt horrible that I didn’t even realize what I had been doing.

But I made me realize once again that I know I’m sooooo blessed in my life. I really have a great life and I honestly know that. I have so much to be thankful for and I love God so much for all He’s given to me.

I guess I’m just sad sometimes about the baby I don’t have. At those times I have to lean on the things I do have. I realize how lucky I am to have a husband who knows me so well and who knows that just a simple hug and cry is what I need.

I am so blessed, so lucky and so happy. And yet, I’m so sad.

I’m so confusing, aren’t I?

I did call our RE’s office yesterday to see about getting on the donor embryo list. I had kind of looked into it before and I know there is a 2-year wait. Yesterday I called and I qualified for the list as far as age and BMI. We just have to go see the same psychologist we saw before when we did the IVF. That’s just wonderful(dripping with sarcasm). She made us feel really bad when we left about some of our decisions and it wasn’t covered by insurance so it was $150 to see her.

Plus, yesterday I found out that the transfer was $4000 and the storage fee for the embryos was $2000. So the transfer would really be $6000. That isn’t bad, but our IVF was about $7500 because follicle monitoring was covered (normally it is about $9500)…..so it’s about the same as a regular IVF. It seemed a little expensive to me and after talking to a blogger friend (who is having her transfer tomorrow…go wish her luck!!), I realize it is expensive, plus the wait is a little long.

So, we’re hoping to find a closer office that is less expensive. We can’t travel too much because of Mark but if we can find one that is closer, cheaper and less of a wait, we would jump at the chance.

Any ideas? For those who don’t know, we live in Wisconsin.

Okay, so I thought I would close the post today with this. This is especially for you Rachel!

A couple days ago, I heard the average person farts 17 times a day. I thought that was way too much. Mark thought it was way too low for me. So, I counted yesterday. That’s right. I actually counted.

I farted 19 times, sometimes silent, sometimes not so.

Wow. I’m above average. I was surprised. Mark wasn’t.

Do you realize that when you’re in the grocery store, bank, clinic or anywhere, chances are someone JUST farted and you walked into some gas? That’s just unbelievable, huh?

I'm mad

There I said it.

Yes, I’m mad. I try not to be angry at God, but sometimes I have to admit, I struggle with it. This week, I’ve had 3 close blogger friends who love God so much have very disappointing news either with an IUI or IVF. These are my friends and deserve happiness so much and they love the Lord so much that it hurts me to see them hurting.

I don’t understand. It just makes me angry.

I know there is a plan and a reason and all that. I know that. But sometimes I just don’t understand how bad things can happen to good people.

And I’m also mad because I’m sad.

I’m sad:
--when the house is quiet
--when I get to sleep in
--when I look out the kitchen window thinking about the swingset I hope to put out there
--when I look at our jellybean tree and remember my angels
--when I have to get another baby shower gift and realize once again it’s not for me
--looking in my closet at all the Preci.ous Mom.ents items I’ve gotten and it seems like such a waste
--looking at the Preci.ous Mom.ents thank you cards I got a long time ago to use at my baby shower
--that our “nursery” is still Tyler’s and Peyton’s play room.
--that I don’t have to trip over a dozen toys (well, I do when Tyler and Peyton are here :))
--that my “baby” has 4 legs, poops outside and sheds
--that I don’t have to get a 4-door car yet or heaven forbid a VAN!
--that I can just go out and don’t have to worry about a baby-sitter


I know I’m blessed and lucky for my life. I have SO much to be thankful for. And I know God is good and He has plans for me. I love Him so much for all He’s done for me and continues to do.

But I feel sad a lot and sometimes it does make me mad that I’m sad. I’m not ashamed to admit it.