Why February makes me so nervous

As February gets closer, I find myself getting more and more anxious.

February 2014 was the worst month of my entire life.

It started out with Hannah being diagnosed with pneumonia. What we didn't know at the time was that she also had influenza.

Then I started having influenza-like symptoms. I just knew I had influenza. So, knowing I was going to just get sicker, I hurried up and did some quick food shopping to make sure we had plenty of food for Mark. Yep, Mom/wife mode kicked in big time. Shopping with influenza.

The next day it was confirmed on a swab test that I had influenza.

You can guess what happened next. Despite all our attempts to keep him from getting it, Mark got influenza. What was most sad to me was that I felt so miserable with influenza and I was so sick. Mark didn't even know he had it because he always felt that sick. We only knew he had it because I saw his tremors were much worse and I knew that happened when he got sick. Sad to think Mark feels so sick all the time.

I brought him into the ER and he was immediately admitted.

Nothing could have prepared me for what happened on February 14.

I had come to see Mark after working and found him to be unresponsive and his left side shaking uncontrollably. Code blue was called.

It was thought that Mark was having seizures. He was intubated and sent down to the Twin Cities for higher care. He was still unresponsive.

Still sick with influenza myself, I was confined to Mark's ICU room, wearing a mask 24/7. I was miserable, sitting on an uncomfortable chair, just staring at machines, praying and hoping Mark could soon breathe on his own.

And yet, I didn't want to be anywhere else.

But, I wanted my Hannah and I couldn't see her. I knew she was confused, still not feeling well herself and she didn't know why Mommy wasn't tucking in her at night.

It was a mother's and wife's absolute worst nightmare.

In fact, at one point, I overheard 2 nurses talking about how worried they were about me and how I was handling everything. I admit, I was pretty depressed and had a hard time talking to anyone. I pretty much just sat there staring at machines or trying to sleep in a very uncomfortable chair (recliners weren't allowed in ICU)

Luckily my mom knew I needed my baby girl and she would make the trip to bring her to see me every couple days. It was what I needed.

After a very long, gruesome couple weeks, Mark finally made it back home. His goal was to get discharged from the hospital to get home and dance with Hannah.

He eventually did and I have it on video. He needs to work on his dancing a bit. :)

Last February was the absolute worst month of my life. I hate recalling it. I never want to live through that again. I don't want Mark to go through that again and I never want Hannah to go through that again. The stuff I've written out is just the tip of the nightmare we went through. There is so much to this that I just can't write about and just can't "go there". I don't want to remember it because it was just so horrible to live through.

But, we made it.

When I'm going through a tough time, I often think back to the long month of February 2014. It was the most horrible, awful month of my life. I know if I can get through that, I can get through anything.

Everyone has tough times in their lives and I know my life may be much harder than February 2014. I don't know what is coming.

But, I'm just so grateful we made it through and we're all still here as a family. Every day all 3 of us (4 including Doogie) are under the same roof is a day we cherish, even if Hannah is screaming her head off because I got her Kleenex when she wanted to get it or I gave her 3 strawberries instead of 2.

We are blessed. I'm so glad to have made it to another February. Just hope February 2015 is much better to us than February 2014.

Response to last post

I've been sitting here for 15 minutes trying to think of how to start this. Trying to put into words how I'm feeling is sometimes much harder said than done.

What I really want to say is how much your words and encouragement helped me so much, how you made me feel like a good mother instead of a selfish woman and how you made me realize how my words can show Hannah how much I love her.

What I really want to say is Thank You. Thank you so much.

I didn't know the response I'd get. I've always prided myself on being honest and letting my feelings show and I wanted to do that. I figured more people would step forward and do the same--be honest and let me know they completely agree with this person.

When in fact, it was just the opposite. People were honest and disagreed. A lot of people shared their own experiences and were faced with some of the same, hurtful comments because of a similar situation.

I got public comments and messages and many more private messages. The support was unbelievable.

I can't say thank you enough.

I've decided not to delete that post. While it may hurt Hannah tremendously to hear this person said such a hurtful comment, I also realize I've explained it best why we find it in Hannah's best interest not to be in this person's life. No matter how much it hurts, sometimes we need to take steps for the best interest of our children.

Hannah always comes first no matter what. I would take a bullet for my daughter. I would do anything to protect her.

Thank you again for your awesome love and support.

We love you all.

Post that is overdue and will be deleted

I am a sensitive person and admittedly sometimes oversensitive. I get hurt easily.

Recently I was hurt in the most possible way because it involved my daughter. I don't want Hannah to read this later so it will be deleted. But I had to say something because if one person thinks this, I'm sure there are others.

And if you negatively talk about my daughter, I don't take that lightly AT ALL.

Someone who supposedly loves Hannah "so much" actually told someone else "Mark and Tammy never should have adopted Hannah with all they're dealing with with Mark's health".

To say I was mad when I heard that is an understatement. To say I was hurt is an understatement. To say I wanted to confront that person and rip their head off is an understatement.

But I try to give the benefit of the doubt when I can. I'm not sure why this person felt the way they did or why they felt the need to tell that to anyone else, knowing it would probably get back to us and hurt us. But, I'm hoping they were thinking of the best for Hannah and/or us.

So, I'm going to take a few reasons why I think this person feels this way and break it down. Hopefully this will put things into perspective.

We've got enough going on to add a child. I admit, having a chronically ill spouse is tough. I can't speak for Mark but I'm sure having a chronic illness is tough. Our lives are constantly filled with illness, doctors, scary times, appointments, etc. However, that's not our "life". We had people question when we got married why would we get married when Mark was so sick---why not? Why not keep living? Mark has never wanted to live to die. He has always wanted to live his life to the fullest, not like he had a chronic illness. Everyone has dreams. Why should we not be able to "dream big" just because he has a chronic illness? Yeah, we have a lot going on and it's stressful---but doesn't everyone have a lot going on and is stressed? "Healthy" people can have a child and nobody bats an eye. Someone with a chronic illness has a child and it's questioned. In my opinion, there are no differences between the two.

It's not fair to Hannah to watch her dad be ill and most likely grow up without a father. I think about this more than I care to admit. As her mother, it kills me that she watches her daddy suffer. But honestly, I believe that it has made her so compassionate and caring. That's what makes Hannah the way she is. Yes, it's not fair she has to watch her daddy suffer. It's not fair that ANYBODY has to watch ANYONE suffer.

As far as most likely growing up without a father, yes, I know that is a strong possibility and again it kills me. But honestly, who's to say that something may happen to me? Nobody knows when their time is up. Hannah could very well grow up without a mother and Mark could certainly outlive me. Nobody knows, only God. I can say that we have a will all written up in the event something happens to Mark and I. The details are not to be made public, but I can assure anyone questioning that Hannah will be taken great care of and she will be so loved. We've planned out for every scenario for her as she comes first.

You guys are too old. A younger couple should've adopted Hannah. I honestly don't think this is what that person was thinking but knowing this person, I just don't know what was going through their head. This point has the same arguments as above. "Older" parents can parent just as good as "younger" parents. Yeah, we will be older when Hannah graduates from high school but who really cares? We're no different than grandparents raising their grandchildren and those people are often very praised for raising their grandchildren and not criticized.

Hannah could've had a more stable, less stressful life with someone else. Um, debatable. I can tell you for a fact that we provide a much more stable life than she would've gotten with her birthmother. The details of her birthmother's life are Hannah's to share, not mine. But knowing what I know, Hannah is MUCH more stable with us than her. And I can't even comment on the birthfather. Yes, it's true that maybe someone else may have had more money, less illness, bigger house, bigger family, etc. but who really knows? I mean, like I've stated above life isn't guaranteed and anything can happen.

We've been criticized before for things and it's not fun. We were questioned why we would buy a house when Mark was so sick and we were renting a house across the street from the hospital. Why move when it was so convenient?

Then when we had a benefit right before Mark's transplant and were asking businesses for donations, one actually said "I can't believe they would actually go through with the transplant with him being so sick. What a waste". Well the "waste" of the transplant is now 13 years later and Mark is still here despite being "so sick".

We're no strangers to being criticized for the decisions in our life. I know we can't make everyone happy and certainly can't make everyone understand.

Most of all we don't want to "stop living" because Mark is sick. We wanted a house, we wanted a child, we wanted a marriage.

Am I worried about Hannah with everything she has to go through? Of course!! I don't know how she'll feel when she's older about things but I can tell you I will ALWAYS be there for her and she will never be alone. She is always well taken care of. And right now she's under professional care to make sure she's not traumatized and make sure we're doing everything we can to help her through this.

Hannah is #1 for both of us and we've been told many times that she is just a perfect angel.

Not to toot my own horn but I think that means we're doing a pretty good job.

I don't know what the future holds, but I can tell you, we are so happy. We're living life. We're not living like Mark is going to die. We're living like we should--like he's alive. That means following a dream.

A dream to have a child.

And if I really want to be honest, it was God that brought Hannah to us. This was God's choice for Hannah to be adopted by us. And God NEVER makes mistakes--never. When I think about all the things we had going against us in Hannah's adoption and how many road blocks we had (most people know what we had to go through), Hannah quite honestly wouldn't be here without God. Things happened that only can be explained as a miracle. Phone calls claimed to have been made by us that weren't, etc. It's crazy to think that Hannah made it home even with everything we had stacked against us.

Now if that wasn't a God thing, I don't know what is.

So while this person believes the adoption never should've happened, to us, it was the BEST THING EVER. Parenthood isn't easy for anyone and I admit it's very hard with Mark's chronic illnesses.

But I also see the pure love, joy and happiness she brings to us every single day and I hear Mark say every day how precious she is and that we are so lucky to have her as our daughter.

This person won't be in Hannah's life. Knowing this person could say that in front of others, makes me nervous she would say that in front of Hannah and I know it would devastate Hannah, especially to hear that someone who supposedly loves her so much, wishes she wasn't in the family. She's old enough to understand and I don't want her around that negativity.

I'm her mom. I will protect her as much as I can.

I'm so glad God brought her to us and I'm so glad we adopted her, no matter what anyone thinks.

Bonding

We like to make funny faces together. I call it bonding. 

I don't think I'll get Mother of the Year anytime soon. :(

Potty training

This is one of those posts that Hannah will read later in life & be like "Really, Mom? You had to go there."

Yep, I did. I publicly blogged about your potty training sweetie. I really do love you. 

Hannah has been able to go on the potty for quite awhile now & when she wanted to she'd do a wonderful job. The problem is she is so stubborn & would only go when she wanted to. 

The little stinker. 

We tried everything--a sticker chart, treats, new toys, etc. She knew what she was doing. She knew she had the control. She knew the concept of going potty but also knew she could decide when & if she was going to use the potty. 

Have I mentioned she's a little stinker?

For her birthday on Dec 20 we gave her some Frozen underwear thinking that would do it. If she could wear Frozen underwear, she'd definitely get trained. 

It didn't work. 

At that point I had pretty much given up. Her doctor said she wouldn't be going to kindergarten in diapers. At this point I was pretty positive she was. 

On Christmas Eve, she got a Christmas present from her babysitter--Frozen underwear. It was so she could be a big girl like her babysitter (who she really looks up to)

My first thought of course was that we had tried the underwear & it wasn't going to work

Lo and behold it did. 

She immediately wanted to wear underwear like Claire & be a big girl just like Claire. 

In just a couple weeks she's pretty much diaper-free except at night & has only had a few accidents. 

Now the pooping. 

Yeah this is pretty much the TMI post Hannah will hate me for later in life. 

For the most part she does great. It took a bit longer than the potty but that was to be expected. 

The problem we're dealing with now is that whenever she poops, she gags & starts throwing up. She's got an extremely weak stomach & she just can't handle it. 

Sometimes if we get her out of the bathroom quick she'll be ok. Other times that doesn't even work. 

So we're back to the stickers. She gets a sticker every time she poops without throwing up. She gets so proud if she doesn't throw up. She refuses to look at the poop so that'll be the next step--being able to look at it without throwing up. That'll take awhile. 

She's always been extremely sensitive. Even watching Doogie poops causes her to gag. 

I have a feeling when she has kids, I'll do a lot of diaper duty. 

And I'll love every minute of it. :)

Hannah's 3-year-old questions

Another blogger had this awesome idea where she asks her twins questions on their birthdays--the same questions every year.

I thought it was a great idea. So I decided to copy it.

Yep, I'm a copycat and I have no shame.

So, here are the questions. Some of Hannah's answers were pretty cool. :)

1. What is your name? Hannah Dawn Wondra
2. How old are you? 3
3. What is your favorite color? Purple
4. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Bread
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Cheese and bread
6. What is your favorite thing to eat for supper? Strawberries
7. What is your favorite snack? Cheetos
8. What is your favorite fruit? Strawberries
9. What is your favorite vegetable? Carrots
10. What is your favorite thing to do? Drink pop
11. What is your favorite animal? Pig
12. What is your favorite toy? Pig (As a side note, I don't think she has a toy that is a pig :))
13. What is your favorite book? Dora potty book
14. Where do you like to go? Living room (we were in her room at the time)
15. What is your favorite song? Old MacDonald Had a Farm
16. Who is your best friend? Mommy (Awwwww!)
17. What is your favorite show on TV? Dora
18. What do you want to be when you grow up? Claire (her baby-sitter---so sweet! :))
19. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Play
20. What is your favorite thing to wear? Frozen dress
21. Who is your favorite person? Claire
22. What is your favorite game? Storytime

I have 2 mommies?

We've always been completely honest with Hannah about her adoption. I know she's young but we've always talked about adoption to her like it was no big deal. 

Every holiday & Hannah's birthday I'll get a text from her birth mom asking me to give Hannah a hug & a kiss from her. 

I do it every time she asks & I tell her exactly what her birth mom says. Every time Hannah has always just kinda shrugged it off & said "Thank you!"

This year it was different. 

When I gave her a hug & kiss & told her that her birth mom, "L", said happy birthday & she loves her, Hannah looked at me with a confused look & said "Who, Mommy?"

I looked at Mark. I honestly hadn't been prepared to answer.  I should've known the day would come sooner rather than later. After all, it seems all she wants to do is ask questions. 

I answered her in the best way I knew how. 

"Well, honey, you see you are very lucky, very loved & very special. You have 2 mommies. You grew in L's tummy & you grew in my heart. You & Jesus take up all of Mommy's heart". 

She looked at me a bit confused & said "I have 2 mommies?"

I said "yes sweetie. You are very lucky. You have 2 mommies who love you very much. You grew in L's tummy but you grew in my heart so you have 2 mommies!"

As I'm explaining it, I know it's just gonna confuse her.  Heck, I was having a hard time following me. 

After a few seconds of silence, Hannah suddenly started laughing & said "Mommy, you're so silly! I grew in your tummy!"

Mark & I smiled at each other. I knew she wouldn't get it. She's only 3 & it's confusing. She only knows me as her mommy & all she knows is we had to go somewhere far to bring her home & many people helped bring her home. 

What she doesn't know is that comment broke my heart. 

She doesn't know how much I wanted to have her grow in my tummy. I would've done anything to have that happen. 

To feel her first kick, her first hiccup, to see her on the ultrasound, to know first hand that she loved spicy food--instead of hearing it from the birth mom, to know she was a terrible sleeper--instead of having the birth mom tell me I was never going to sleep again because of her in utero habits (to which her birth mom was spot on. Hannah & sleep do not mix). 

I would've done anything to be the mom who grew Hannah in her tummy, to not only show her the world but to bring her into this world. 

It's the only regret I'll ever have

But in a small way, it's comforting to know that in Hannah's 3-year-old mind, she can't imagine having another mommy other than me. She can't imagine growing in someone else's tummy. It doesn't make sense to her. She loves me as her mommy. 

To think of her having another mommy is just plain silly. 

To her I'm the best mommy ever & it doesn't matter if she grew in my heart or my tummy.  

I'm her mommy. 

And that's all that matters. 

I'm doing the best I can

Most people know my husband has a lot of health issues. Every day is a struggle in many ways.

This last weekend was one of the worst weekends we've had in a long time.

Not only that, Hannah had a cold and just wasn't herself.

Yesterday, I was tired and just not up to really doing anything. Just the thought of cooking supper just seemed too overwhelming for me.

So, after Mark's appointment, I dropped him off at home and told him I was going to run out and pick up supper--the disadvantage of living in town and fast food is way too convenient.

Knowing how much Hannah loves McDonald's, I decided I was going to pick up McDonald's for the second time in 4 days.

Yup, I'm that mom that is feeding Hannah the worst possible food, clogging her arteries and filling her body with poison.

It's not that I want to. It's not like I make this a habit.

Yesterday I was just tired and overwhelmed.

As we're driving out of the driveway, Hannah asks me where we're going. Feeling like a horrible, lazy, guilty mom, I tell her we're going to go pick up supper for us.

All the way up to there, I think about the things I could be making for her that are obviously much better for her. I wonder why I just can't be like those other moms who make sure their kids get the proper amount of fruits and veggies every day and something from every food group, making sure they get the proper nutrition.

I know I'm definitely not in the running for "Mother of the Year".

As I go up the hill, Hannah sees the golden arches and proudly announces she sees "Donalds!"

Nothing like throwing a little salt in the wound.

As I turn into the driveway, she says "Mommy! We're at Donalds!"

I give her a weak smile and say "Yes, honey. We're eating here tonight".

She looks at me with a huge smile and says "You're the best mommy ever! You're amazing!"

With tears in my eyes, I whisper "Thank you, sweetie". I know she's only saying that because I'm taking her to Donald's and it's her favorite place.

But I also know she's saying that because she loves me and she knows I love her.

She knows things aren't easy at home. She knows her daddy is sick. She knows Mommy needs to cry sometimes.

She knows I'm doing the best I can.

Yes, I'll have days where I feed her McDonald's for the second time in 4 days. I'll have days where it's a huge accomplishment to make it 24 hours in a day.

I also have a little girl who tells me I'm the best mommy ever and I'm amazing.

I might feel like I can't do anything right but I must be doing something right and I'm doing the best I can---and she knows that.

I'm so proud to be the best mommy ever to the best daughter ever.