100% sweetness

Visitng great-grandma and great-grandpa

One of the things I wish more than anything was that my grandparents were alive so they could meet their great-granddaughter. I know they all would've loved her just as they would've loved all their great-grandchildren.  I know one day we'll all meet again but it's still hard not having them here. They were all so special.

The Sunday before Memorial Day, Mark and I along with my parents went to the cemetary where they were buried.





Here she is next to my mom's mom and dad, my Grandma and Grandpa Berglund

Here she is next to my Uncle Dennis, my mom's brother. My Uncle Dennis passed away far too young due to diabetic complications. There was talk of a kidney transplant and he had just started dialysis when he passed away. Since being married to Mark and going through similar things, I feel a connection to Dennis and would just love to sit and talk with him. I was in sixth grade when he passed away so I didn't know him real well but I'd give anything to talk to him now.  And I know he'd love Hannah and I know she'd love him.

Grandma and Hannah watering the flowers

I absolutely love this picture. This is my dad's mom and dad. Love how she's touching the tombstone...just so special to me.

Me and Hannah next to Grandma and Grandpa Gustafson

Love you guys and miss you so very much. Can't wait for the reunion in heaven. What a glorious day it will be!

All my babies together

Okay, yeah, I know I keep saying I have favorite pictures and this is yet another one of them. I think my girl just takes such good pictures sometimes (when she's cooperating :)) that really so many of them are my favorites. :)

This one is special though. This one is Hannah standing in our memory garden that we made in honor of our angel babies.

Here is a picture of all my 11 babies together...the 10 who left too soon and my girl who is here with us.

Priceless.

We have rocks surrounding the tree and each rock represents a baby. What was so touching was Hannah picked up a rock and rubbed it and then gently set it back down.  It brought tears to my eyes.  Of course then she took another rock and threw it as hard as she could into the lawn.

Beautiful moment lost....

But it was still precious

The only picture better than this would  be a picture of when we all meet in heaven some day. I can't wait.

17 months

It’s so hard to believe Hannah is already 17 months.

She’s really grown even just in the last month both physically and developmentally. It’s amazing!

We have a countertop that I swear a couple weeks ago she was still a couple inches away from hitting her head on it. I figured we still had awhile before having to do something about it but nope…in the last week she’s been hitting her head on that countertop. It’s so sad that she growing so much so fast!

And she’s always been a tiny girl in height. In fact she’s still in 12 month pants and they’ve fit perfectly…until just this last week. Now it seems just overnight she now looks like she’s waiting for a flood. She’s finally outgrowing her 12 month pants which I thought she’d never do.

Here is a list of her vocabulary which has grown amazingly just in the last month: Hi, bye, bub-bye, baba, papa, gamma, ma, mama, dada, dog, Spongebob, ball, football, horse.

She says “ma-ma” for milk. That took awhile for me to figure out. She would say “ma-ma” and I would tell her “Mama’s here!” to which she would shake her head and just continue to cry and say “ma-ma”.

She says “dog” to everything. If it’s a bear, it’s a dog. If it’s a cat, it’s a dog. If it’s a fish, it’s a dog. And on the other side, she can spot a dog a mile away. I can’t tell you how many times she’s pointed and said “dog” and I look and tell her there is no dog but then, lo and behold, there indeed is a dog way in the distance or a fake dog or something. She just loves dogs. When you ask her what a dog says, she says “woof!”

She’s learned to ask “whas zat?” for “what’s that?” and she asks that all the time. I have a feeling she’s going to be one of those kids who asks “Why?” at least 100,000 times a day.

Recently she said her first sentence. She threw a ball about a foot (she’s a little girl but she threw it as hard as she could). She looked at me and said “I frew ball!”. It caught me by surprise as she’s never put words together other than “whas zat?”

She loves to help out around the house. She pushes the button on the dishwasher to start it. She puts things into the garbage for us when we ask her to…and, yes, sometimes even when we don’t ask her to but she means well. She knows when Doogie is whining to go outside and she’ll go and get the leash for the dog.

She loves Spongebob even though I honestly don’t know where she got into that. We don’t watch it at our house but one day when I was surfing the channels, she said “Spongebob!” when I passed it and I was shocked. Now whenever we turn on the TV, she says “Spongebob!”. I’m thinking her cousins watch it a lot with her. I can’t think of anything else. But now whenever she sees anything Spongebob, she says “Spongebob!” and when I ask her “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?”, she says “Spongebob!”. She’s so smart.


Saying “hi” and “bye” is definitely her thing. She is so friendly and loves to say “hi” and “bye” to everyone…and I mean everyone. Even when we’re up in Walmart or somewhere, she’ll wave and say hi and/or bye. We call her our little social butterfly. She is so sweet.

She loves giving high fives and “knuckles” and if you give her those, she has to go around to everyone in the room and give high fives and knuckles and she won’t leave you alone until you do.

She’s got 12 teeth and all her molars are now in. She started walking on St. Patrick’s Day and it only took a couple days for her to go from walking to running.

Every day it seems my girl is changing and learning so much.

And every day it seems I fall more and more in love with my daughter. I don’t know what I did before she came into my life.

Hannah's baby-sitters

We have been so fortunate that we have wonderful baby-sitters in Hannah's life. These 2 kids knew about our infertility issues and were so excited when we found out we were getting Hannah. We Skyped when we were in Utah so they were able to see Hannah when she was just a little baby.

They've been in Hannah's life since she was born and she just thinks the world of them.  They come over after school a couple days a week so I can get some stuff done around the house and before I used to sleep but now that's not as much of a necessity.

They are the best baby-sitters I could ever imagine for my girl. They love her so much and I love them too. They are so special.

I really hope they stay in Hannah's life for the long haul. I don't know what we would do without them.

Another favorite picture of mine

Have I mentioned that I just love this girl? She's my whole world!

And yes, those are Christmas pajamas in May. I wear them all year round. :)

Some family fun

On Sunday we celebrated a special boy's third birthday. We had a picnic at a local park with the family. In my opinion there's nothing better than spending some good times with the ones you love. 

Here is the birthday boy, Jamie, who turned 3 on Sunday. I can't believe how fast time goes!

Hannah on the swing. 

Hannah and her Papa. She is so loved. 

Peyton giving Hannah a little help

Love these guys. And love this picture 

Hannah & her uncle Aaron who lives 6 hours away & we don't get to see much. I cherish these pictures. 

Isn't family the best? ;)

An update on Hannah's sleeping

I’m so happy to say that Hannah is sleeping much, much better. It was a very, very gradual improvement but now she’s only up 2-3 times a night and the last 2 nights, she’s only been up once but technically it’s at 5 a.m. so really she’s been sleeping through the night. She’s no longer fighting sleep or very little. And her night terrors are pretty much gone. It’s been a couple weeks since she’s had one whereas before she would have 1-2 a night at least 4-5 times a week.

So there is a HUGE improvement and I’m so happy. She’s sleeping better and I’m sleeping better.

Now I’m going to say something that might sound like I’m criticizing but that’s not what I’m trying to do at all and I’m begging you to read and listen to my explanation before thinking that.

I’m so glad I didn’t let her cry it out.

Okay, now let me explain.

I first want to say I could never, ever judge any parent for the things they do. I know every situation and every parent is different and the thing is we all love our kids more than anything and would fight tooth and nail and give our lives for them. We raise them the best way we can and what we feel is best and that makes us all wonderful parents.
The thing is, Hannah’s growing up in a different household. Most families have 2, “stable” parents. What I mean by stable is healthy, able to be there and help out all or most of the time. Hannah doesn’t have that. While she has 2 parents who love her unconditionally, she doesn’t have the stability most have.

She’s watched her dad in situations that even my and Mark’s family haven’t seen him in. She’s watched him pass out from his blood pressure being too low. She’s watched him collapse to the floor from a low blood sugar reaction. She’s watched him having seizure activity. She’s watched him scream in intense pain. She’s watched him crawl on the floor because he’s in so much pain in his legs and feet that he can’t walk. She’s seen him in the hospital with wires and tubes hanging from him and nurses sticking him endlessly with needles.

I’ve also watched her scream and cry in horror when her daddy falls to the floor. I’ve watched her rub her daddy’s shoulder when he’s screaming in pain. I’ve watched her give her daddy a kiss out of the blue when he’s just taken a nitro and is lying down. I’ve watched her try her hardest to give her daddy a Goldfish cracker when the nurses are trying to poke him in the hospital. I’ve watched her cling to her daddy after he’s come home from the hospital as if she couldn’t get enough of him.

The one thing I’ve come to really realize is that she is a smart girl. I strongly believe she knows that something just isn’t quite right with her daddy. How much she understands of course isn’t certain but she’s smart enough to know that when I tell her “Daddy’s sick and needs some ice cream”, she goes straight to the refrigerator. She’s a smart girl and I believe knows more than we think.

I believe she knows that something just isn’t right and although she knows her daddy is there and will always be there for her, there are times that he gets sick and he can’t be there. But from the day she was born she’s known her mommy is there no matter what for her and that is one very stable part of her life.

The sleep specialist told us that most likely she’s suffering from severe separation anxiety causing her sleep issues. From what she told us and what I read on the subject and talked to others going through it, it’s not an easy fix but a very slow process. And since we’ve been co-sleeping and lying down with her when she’s napping and sleeping, it has been a very slow improvement and very slow and gradual process. This really makes me believe this whole time that indeed it was a separation thing.

And that’s what makes me so glad I didn’t let her cry it out. As her mom, I believe the situation with her dad only adds or causes her separation anxiety. But the one thing I could always give her was the stability that I was there with her and no matter what, I was there for her. I can’t even imagine if I would’ve let her cry it out how she would’ve felt. The one stability in her life would’ve been taken away and I can’t even imagine the horror and the anxiety she would’ve felt then. I honestly think things would be even worse now.
Of course we’ll never know for sure but as her mom, I strongly believe it was a separation anxiety issue and I believe the situation with her dad contributes to it. Even now if Mark is having a bad day or something, I can see she is a lot clingier.

I’m just so glad no matter how hard it got and no matter how much pressure I felt to do otherwise, I didn’t let her cry it out. I believe I did the right thing for Hannah and for myself as her mom. I don’t judge others who do because I know firsthand how trying, frustrating and exhausting it can be and of course, like I said, every situation is different.

But I believe for Hannah, she really needed to know I was there and really needed stability in her life. She always knew and will know that her mommy was and will be there for her no matter what. And despite what I thought a few months ago, others were right. She did eventually learn to sleep through the night and I didn’t have to let her cry it out to do it.

It was more than worth the wait no matter how hard it was.

My one bragging post about myself

I’m not usually one to brag about myself or the things I’ve done but I had to brag this time.

I try to keep this blog about Hannah and not so much about other things as one day I want to put this all into a book for her. This post is a little off topic although I want her to know the story as I hope it will inspire and encourage her some day.

It was 20 years ago this month I ran the race of my life. Yes, 20 years. Bring on the old jokes.  :)

I was a junior in high school. There was  a senior runner from another school who I had raced against for the last 2 years. She always beat me and I would always come in second during track and cross country. In fact I remember before one race one time my coach said to me “We could just hand out the medals now and forget about running it”. This girl was such a sweet person and we got to be friends but I really wanted to say I got first and she got second, even if it was just once.
It was my last race against her and my last chance to beat her. I was so determined to beat her after not being able to for 2 years. I told everyone that I was going to do it. People tried to encourage me but I don’t think anyone believed me. In fact my coach told me, “It’s good to be optimistic but as long as you do your best, that’s all you can ask for”.

The more I felt people doubted me, the more determined I was.

I did all the right things a week before the race. I ate the right carbs, stayed out of the sun, etc. I conserved as much energy as I could.

The day of the race I was more determined than ever. It was the 1600 meter run in track which meant we ran around the track 4 times.

I let the other runner lead the way. I think people thought I would drift off after a couple laps but I stayed right with her. On the third lap, I heard more people cheering. That was when I think I knew people could tell I was serious about this. On the fourth lap, there were so many people cheering me on, even people from other schools. Everywhere around the track people were standing there yelling my name. It was an amazing feeling. I was so determined.

And I did it. I ran it in 5:24 and beat her by tenths of a second, but I did it. In the process, I broke a conference and school record, a record that still holds to this day. One paper called it the ‘race of the year’.

My cousin, who was a sports reporter at the time, took an amazing picture of me at the finish line. I had it enlarged and framed it and it is now in Mark’s exercise room as a reminder that if you set your mind to it you can do anything. He is very inspired by that picture and loves to hear and tell the story.

One day I hope to give it to Hannah and tell her the story and give her the same inspiration. I want her to dream big, to set high goals even if others doubt you because if you work hard enough and set your mind to it, you can do it. Anything is possible.

That race was amazing. I can still hear people cheering. I still get comments from people about it.

Now, she is a famous comedian. She was even featured on Last Co.mic St.anding (Mary Mac.k) and does comedy all over. Two years ago I saw her at one of her performances and talked to her and we joked about a rematch. It’s something that I don’t think anyone will forget, especially not the 2 of us.

And that makes me proud. Twenty years ago this month. I can’t believe it’s been that long. It feels like it was just yesterday.

Here I am in front of the list of records pointing to my name. Poor Peyton couldn't quite reach that high but she tried.:)

 My name :)  (I'm the T. Gustafson)

The inspiring picture. Man, I look so young! I'm on the right.

Okay, bragging post done. :)  Now it's all about Hannah!

Mother's Day 2013

The most dreaded day for all infertiles.

Mother's Day was a day of intense pain for me for years. I hated it. I dreaded it for months before the day came. I couldn't go to church as I knew they would recognize mothers and make them stand up and the last thing I wanted was to be the only woman (or so it seemed) staying sitting while everyone stood up.

That day was usually filled with tears.

What was even harder for me was when we had the losses and Mother's Day came. Nobody recognizes the mothers with babies in heaven. No one thinks to say "Happy Mother's Day" to those moms. For a few years, I knew in my heart I was a mother with angel babies but very, very few people recognized them and it hurt so much.  Even last year when people would say it was my first Mother's Day I really, really wanted to remind them of my babies in heaven and I actually had been a mom for years.

Since having Hannah it's obviously been better. I wake up knowing I have a baby girl with me here.  Mother's Day definitely isn't as painful.

But I know the day will never be the same.  For the whole day, my heart is so heavy for those mothers still waiting....and yes, I call them mothers because they are already mothers no matter what, just waiting for their babies to be in their arms.  I know the feeling of hating the day, of crying, feeling so lonely and so disheartened on that day. I can't help but think of all those hurting on that day and I think and pray for them all day....I really do.

Don't get me wrong...I still enjoy the day. I still love up on my girl and I can't wait for the day when she so proudly gives me the handmade cards, excitedly makes me breakfast complete with a bowl of M&Ms and throws her arms around my neck saying "Happy Mother's Day Mommy!". I can't wait.  And I cherish the fact that I have a girl who will do that for me.

I just can't honestly be completely happy and completely enjoy the day knowing so many are hurting. I think it's what people have described as "survivor's guilt".  Just like when we finally received the call that we were matched and Hannah would be here, I felt bad and guilty because we had finally "crossed over" while so many were still waiting.

I did have a great day with my family and my girl. She was 16 months this year and at such a fun age. She is learning so much and really growing.

And I'm so blessed. She makes me feel like the luckiest mommy.

To those still waiting, know you're constantly in my thoughts and prayers and especially were on Mother's Day. I hope you had some peace that day and know so many were thinking of you. You're never forgotten.

One of my most favorites pictures ever

Happy birthday to a wonderful niece!!

Whenever I think of Peyton, I always get a huge smile on my face.

I remember the day she was born back in 2006. We had just started pursuing infertility treatments after trying naturally for 3 years. I was worried about going into the delivery room and seeing her when she was born and yet at the same time I was so encouraged to be starting the treatments and just knew I would very soon be in a delivery room myself (aw, how naïve I was).

Any worries I had were quickly evaporated when I saw Peyton for the first time. She was my first niece and just like with all my nephews and nieces, the moment I saw her I fell in love with her. But I didn’t realize the special bond I would have with Peyton.

Peyton has always been our special little girl and she has been through so much right along with us.

We started having “Peyton days” once a week shortly after she was born. When I was going through the IVF and FET treatments, many times she would go with us to the appointments. So often she would be in the room during the ultrasounds (no worries---she wouldn’t see anything inappropriate. Mark even was uncomfortable watching some stuff so it was easy to make sure Peyton didn’t see anything she shouldn’t :) ). She got to see her potential cousins on the screen and she laughed when the nurse made circles on my butt to show where the progesterone shots went.

She was there when I got the call at 9:08 a.m. on April 20, 2011 when I found out I was miscarrying our babies. Not knowing what was going on, she only saw me collapse to the floor screaming and in tears. She rubbed my back and asked “it’s the babies, isn’t it?”. When I nodded she asked if they were in heaven. I nodded again and she said “I really wanted a cousin”.  :(  She grieved for the babies as much as we did.

She traveled the journey with us. She took belly pictures with me. She kissed my tummy to kiss the babies. She kissed my “owies” from the many, many shots I took.

So when we found out we matched with Hannah, it was only appropriate she be told first of her family. We showed up at her house at 6:30 in the morning, took Peyton aside and told her first (I know the rest of the family had no clue what was going on). She was so happy but was very relieved when it was a girl because we had just registered for all girl stuff and she really didn’t want to go register again. :) Peyton was also the one to tell her mom that she was going to have a new niece. After all Peyton had been through with us, I really wanted her to be the one to tell her.

So, ironically when the adoption was finalized on July 3, 2012, and we got the call from the agency that morning, Peyton was at our house. I got off the phone with tears in my eyes, holding my daughter, and told Mark and Peyton the news. The 4 of us had a huge group hug. It’s a moment I’ll never forget.

Peyton has always had a huge heart. She’s always wanted everyone happy and doesn’t like to see anyone upset. I’ve always admired that about her. She’s taught me to be more considerate of other people’s feelings and taught me to look at the positive.  She often reminds me that I have babies in heaven whenever I get sad about them. She knows they couldn't be in a better place and she tells me that.

She’s an amazing cousin to Hannah, simply amazing. You can see how much Peyton loves her and how much Hannah loves her. I know Hannah will never have a sister here on Earth and that breaks my heart. But I also know that Peyton will be just like a sister to her in so many ways and will always look after Hannah. That’s the best reassurance I could ever have.

For the past 7 years, our lives have been so blessed with an amazing little girl. I can’t imagine my life without her. I don’t know how we would’ve survived the years of infertility without Peyton, I really don’t. She brought joy when I didn’t think there was joy in the world. She brought hope and confidence. She gave me the will to keep going.

Happy birthday sweet Peyton. I love you more than you will ever know.

 Peyton at 7 years old

Peyton and Hannah trying to do belly pictures together although Hannah was more interested in Peyton's belly button