Our dream together

I recently received a message from someone who told me I should focus on Mark rather than focus on having a baby with him. This person has had to deal with I believe one of the hardest hardships someone can deal with, the loss of a spouse. While I can’t imagine what she’s going through, I know she doesn’t know what I’m going through as she doesn’t know me in real life. Taking that into mind, I did feel I needed to explain my life in case others felt the same.

First, I’d like to emphasize that having a baby is our dream, not just my dream. Granted, yes, Mark is older and has some health issues and if he were single, he would not be pursuing adoption. However, he wants to have a baby with me just as much as I want to have a baby with him. And he’s always wanted a daughter. When we got married, my brother sang “Butterfly Kisses” at our wedding and shortly after that, my dad gave me a “Butterfly Kisses” book. I’ll never forget when we were reading that together, Mark got tears in his eyes and said how much he wanted a daughter and butterfly kisses. It was then our dream was realized, that we wanted to have a daughter together. I have to say, though, that we would be honored to have a boy, too. Boys rock! :)

As far as focusing on Mark, he is by far my number 1 priority. My life resolves around him and his needs and I don’t mind at all. I’m with him all the time. I work from home and he’s disabled so he’s also at home. We eat all meals together. When he’s in the hospital, I’m right there. In our 10 years of marriage, I have never spent one night away from him, not one. I spend the night in the hospital in his room when he's there. I’ve cancelled outings with friends, stayed home from church, etc. when Mark has a bad day. On weekends when he wants to lay down, I lay down with him. I go to bed when he goes to bed, even if I'm not tired. I wake up early to work overtime when he’s sleeping and won’t work past 3:30 in the afternoon because he’s awake and I want to spend time with him. Spending time with him is the top priority for me.

Yeah, I coach gymnastics a couple times a week but it’s at the school just a few blocks away and I have the cell phone with me and he knows how to get a hold of me. I drive there even when I could walk just in case he needs me and I need to go home right away. I do feel guilty sometimes about coaching and being away from him but I also believe because I work from home and I’m with Mark all the time, it is healthy for me to get out once in awhile, doing something I love, and spending some time for “me”. And if Mark isn’t feeling well, I have no problem calling and telling the head coach I won’t be in and she’s so supportive about that. I used to coach at a gym 30 minutes away and I stopped doing that because I would get too nervous leaving Mark for that long and now I stick to just coaching at the school.

This next part isn’t easy for me to type out but I want to.

If Mark were to pass away today, I have absolutely no regrets. I don’t regret trying to have a baby with Mark. I don’t regret the time I have spent coaching gymnastics. I don’t regret cancelling on friends or staying home from church because Mark isn’t feeling well. I know God understands. I don’t regret laying down with Mark for a few hours in the afternoon even when I’m not tired. I don’t regret anything about my life if Mark were to pass away. I feel I’ve given 100% to him and focused on him.

And I know we’ve had all the “tough” talks. I’m not going to put them down here because I think some talks are meant to be between a husband and a wife, but I can say that we’ve said everything we’ve needed/wanted to say. I know without a doubt that I’ve said everything I’ve ever wanted to say to Mark if we were to be separated.

And the best part is, I know we have 10 children in heaven waiting for us, and a high likelihood that we have our daughter together! And I also know that our life in heaven is the life that “really matters”. Having a baby together here on Earth is just “icing on the cake”.

Trying to have a baby together admittedly has been a huge rollercoaster and we’ve been through so much together. However, I believe that drive and the dream has kept Mark STRONGER and gives him strength and hope to keep going. I have also heard that from other people. He loves kids so much. Not many people see the joy in Mark’s eyes when he’s around our nieces and nephews. Even when he was so sick last Thursday, he kept repeating “I don’t want to give up our Jamie day” as we usually have Jamie on Fridays. He absolutely loves playing with that boy. And he misses his Peyton days on Wednesdays so much. His eyes light up just listening to their voices on the phone and just talking about them, he smiles so much. Those kids make him feel and look 20 years younger.

Why take that away from him and “focus” on him?

And throughout our infertility journey, we have never gone through a door without God opening it first. We’ve never gone “our” way, always through doors God has opened. When God shuts the door, we turn away. We don’t regret 1 IUI, 1 FET or any adoption situation we’ve been given. Every opportunity is because of God and the doors He has opened and every IUI, IVF, FET, adoption situation has taught us something, given us something or brought us closer together, etc.

So while I know people mean well with their comments, it’s bothers me when people make comments who don’t know our whole story, don’t see us every day, day to day, don’t know our (not just my) hearts’ desires, don’t know our struggles and dreams. And it’s so hard on Mark when people assume that having a baby is my dream and not his. I know that really bothers Mark a lot.

This is our dream together, not mine, not his, together. And we dream big and dream together.

Thank you for being so supportive in this dream we have together.

No go :(

We weren't chosen. :( It's so heartbreaking.

We did submit our profile to another situation so I guess we'll see. At this point, I feel so depressed and like no one will ever pick us.

We do appreciate the love, support and prayers. It does mean so much to us. Thank you for being our wonderful friends. You make this journey a little easier.

Another situation

We've submitted our profile to another situation! This one is due September 29 (yes, 3 days away!).

Holy cow.

Again, I'm not going to say anything on FB, just here. We would love all good thoughts and prayers. :)

Starting to look up

I want to thank you all for your support and encouraging words. I was feeling pretty down. I took a few days and just grieved and I guess felt a little sorry for myself, which I feel I'm entitled to do sometimes.....but then started dusting myself off and looking forward and finding that hope again.

Just in time for Mark to get sick.

Yeah, kind of a bummer.

I think Mark got the same sickness I got but the symptoms were a little different. He might have had more of an inner ear thing going on. He was so dizzy...so dizzy he couldn't even walk without help and any movement at all made him vomit. He was suffering so bad.

But he was still able to take his pills so I didn't take him in. We have an understanding between us that as long as he can take his pills, I won't bring him in. His pills are very important so his kidney doesn't reject.

Friday morning, though, he had an episode of chest pain with back pain that was pretty severe and he had to take a nitro. So I decided I better bring him in. They ran tests and all the initial tests turned up negative. They did want to admit him to monitor him, though, as it was still a little early and it was still possible the tests could show he had a heart attack. But, Mark wasn't too interested in staying and being the initial tests were negative, I didn't push it.

Good news is, he's feeling MUCH better now. :) Yay!

And we were able to make another $120 for our peanut fund today at a show, plus another $30 for coaching gymnastics, so $150 total today for our peanut fund!! Yay!!

So, finally, things are looking better and I'm finding that hope again. It's frustrating when hope disappears for a little bit.

Discouraged

The birthmother didn't choose us. :(

Then we found out we were denied for another grant

And we found out that one of the agencies we applied to denied us. Yeah, I know we were approved to 2 other agencies, it's still so discouraging to hear that an agency won't even accept you as a possible choice for a family or think that they can't even help you find a baby.

On top of all that, I have the flu and have been sick for the last couple days.

This is so discouraging.

Our journey

As we wait this weekend on a decision that could ultimately change our lives forever, I’ve been reflecting on our journey and just how much we’ve had to change courses and make tough decisions.

We started way back in July 2003 when we decided we wanted to start trying. We blame Tyler. He was 6 months back then and we were so much in love with that boy.

In the next 2 years, we were casually trying, although admittedly it was tough as Mark was still recovering from his kidney transplant in 2002, had a heart attack and broke his hip in 2004. But by 2005 and still nothing, we decided to talk to his doctor.

Then we were faced with some hard news. With Mark’s age and long-term diabetes, if we were to use his sperm, the chances were high that the baby would be born with birth defects, Down syndrome or other issues. We were told our best chance of a healthy baby was donor sperm. That decision wasn’t so hard on Mark. He would do anything for our baby. A trait that I admire in him so much to this day and one he still shows so adamantly in every decision we make for our baby.

But that decision was extremely, extremely hard for me. It took me over a year to do the research and be completely okay with that decision, knowing that this baby would be Mark’s no matter what. So, in March 2006, we started IUIs. 12 IUIs and 12 broken hearts later, we were told we needed to move onto IVF.

And that decision was another tough one. We weren’t completely okay with IVF and weren’t really sure just how “right” and ethical it was. After talking to our pastor, another pastor, many Christian friends and women who had been through IVF, our hearts were open to IVF.

In October 2008, we underwent our IVF cycle. It was one of the best responses they had seen, not too many eggs produced, not too few, the perfect amount and I responded wonderful to the medications. Then we were faced with the awful news after the retrieval, that only 4 had fertilized and none continued to divide, a situation that only happens in 2% of IVF cases. It was a shock not only to us, our family and friends, but to our medical team as well. After talking to our doctor, we found out that I had poor quality eggs and that our only chance was with donor eggs/embryos.

I’ll never forget the feeling when we were told that. I felt so defeated. I felt less of a woman, like I had let Mark down, like such a failure. And I remember leaving from that appointment and sitting down with Mark crying, pouring out my feelings, talking about how I felt, like I had let him down and he grabbed my hand and said “I know exactly how you feel”. I looked into his eyes and I knew that he really did know exactly how I felt. I also got that strength from him that no one else could give me and I knew we would be okay.

And yet, it was still so hard for me to realize that I could no longer bring a baby to myself, that I had to rely on someone else’s generosity and unbelievable gift to bring me our baby. I was no longer in “control”.

But, after going through 2 cycles of adopted embryos, we were able to experience that wonderful generosity and gift and it’s the most amazing feeling, something I cherish forever.

Although it was still my dream to carry, we started looking more into adoption. Admittedly, it wasn’t in my heart. I felt I NEEDED to carry. It wasn’t until Jamie was born in May 2010 and I looked into his eyes that I realized I could love a baby like Jamie and take him home as my own. Jamie wasn’t planned. He was a wonderful surprise. He didn’t ask to be born and yet he was the most perfect baby I had ever seen and if surprises came like him, I knew I could adopt any baby that was meant to be mine.

After we received our set of embryos last spring, I prayed to God that this was the last chance. I couldn’t deal with the heartache anymore. I wanted to carry more than anything in the world but I just couldn’t take this heartache anymore. I just couldn’t do it. We would be turning to adoption after that if it didn’t work.

And you all know the story. I finally got our BFP on my birthday and for 2 wonderful, beautiful days I was pregnant...p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t. I carried my babies inside me. I had always wanted to carry and God gave me that gift. And although it still hurts that I’m not in my third trimester right now like I could be and I’m not feeling my baby kick, I still got to carry...my ultimate goal.

And now, although with adoption there is still that huge risk, the chances are higher that we will be coming home with a baby.

My baby. No matter what direction and twists and turns we’ve taken.

I just can’t wait. We’re so close!

Registering info

Thank you all for your prayers and support!! We still haven't heard about the situation but we were told to give it a few days as they'll want her to really think about it so we're going to somehow make it through the l-o-n-g weekend.

How in the world can we do it???

Per your request, here are links for where we have registered. :) We had an absolute blast registering!!

Wal-Mart

Amazon

Babies R Us

Target (this should be fixed now...so sorry!!! Thanks for telling me Montana's mom :))

Added: Some are wondering about the pink stuff and I better explain. :) At our agencies, we get to choose situations we submit our profile to so we have a choice, something not everyone gets. Mark has always wanted a girl, and I admit I've always wanted a girl, so we are submitting our profile to girls. My mom thinks we're "jinxing" it by registering all pink but it's always been a dream of ours so we're "living the dream". :)

I must add though that if we had a boy, we would LOVE to have a boy. Mark has 2 wonderful boys and we absolutely love Tyler and Jamie to pieces so a boy would be wonderful too. And this boy would be the best dressed pink boy ever. :)

Shhh!!

Don't say anything. :)

We submitted our profile to a situation today in which the birthmother is due in 2 weeks. She'll be looking at it tomorrow.

I don't want to say anything on FB as it's soooo hard to let people know it didn't work out and then see them on the streets or church and have them say something....that's tough. So, I'm keeping quiet on FB but wanted to mention it here. :)

Please keep us in your prayers!!! I'll update when we know.

What has really surprised me...

Since starting our adoption journey, I have been surprised by how different this journey is than our IUI/IVF/FET journey. Both have their definite ups and downs and emotions but they are completely different and yet have the same outcomes.

It’s very hard to explain unless you’ve been there.

But what has really surprised me has been the emotions I feel for the birthmother.

In our agencies we have applied to, we are able to look at situations and decide whether or not to submit our profile. We’re given as much information about the situation as they are able to give including the birthmother’s reason for placing the child up for adoption and how committed they are to adoption.

Some situations are heartbreaking and make me cry. These are situations that the birthmother is smoking and/or drinking and there has been no prenatal care. It’s so sad.

However, most, and a lot, of the situations, the birthmother is just too young, wants to go to school or financially cannot support their child and those are the reasons for giving their child up for adoption.

These situations are also heartbreaking and make me cry. These are the birthmothers who love their child so much and want to make sure they have the best life possible. It makes me sad as I know adoption is a decision they made out of love and they are grieving.

One birthmother even wrote for her reason for placing her child for adoption was “I may have all the love in the world, but it takes more than love to raise a child”, and continued on to say that she couldn’t financially support a child.

It is so sad to me.

One agency once said that in every situation, someone is grieving. I think that says it best and says it all.

I honestly didn’t think going into this that I would feel as much for the birthmothers as I do. I’m floored at how much grief I feel for these birthmothers, something I never felt I would feel but I certainly do.

It’s amazing what this journey teaches us and shows us.

Registering info

You guys are so thoughtful. :)

The Alessis asked about registering info (you guys are so sweet :)). We registered at Tar.get but we're planning on registering at Wal-M.art and Babies-R.-Us and we're hoping to get all the registering done this weekend so I promise to post links when we have that done.

And girlranting asked about registering at Amazo.n and we will definitely do that! That is so sweet for you to think of us. Thanks sweetie!

We are always so amazed at the support we receive. Thanks so much.

Love you all ((HUGS))

He must have been hungry....

A trip to Como Zoo

My mom and I love to take the kids on outings and we try to do a big one before the start of school. Once school starts, it seems they are so busy and it's hard to get away. :(

So, the Tuesday before school started, on "Grandma Day", I took the day off and we went to the local zoo.

I love spending time with the kids and love seeing their reactions to the animals. :)


Tyler and Peyton. Peyton seemed to have an attitude.


My mom, Tyler and Peyton by the ostrich. Even the ostrich was looking at the camera.


Jamie. Doesn't he have just the cutest smile EVER? :)


Peyton

Registering

The other day Mark, Peyton and I went to do some registering. We had so much fun! Peyton sure knew what a baby needed and kept telling us what we needed to get.


Here are Mark and Peyton in front of the store. Yes, I actually took a picture in front of the store :)


Peyton scanning for us. She loved that scanner!


And of course we had to celebrate by having a little ice cream. :)

It was fun and so great to be able to do it with Peyton. These are the times I cherish so much.

Our first situation...

just wasn't meant to be. :(

For those who follow me on FB know a little bit but I wanted to explain it more here.

Yesterday morning while we were having our Wondra Adoption Event, Part 2, we got a call from our consultant saying there was a situation that sounded perfect for us. There already was a family picked out but there were possible issues with that family. There was also a possible issue with the baby so if we were interested, it was recommended we contact our pediatrician to check it out.

Were we interested? Oh, but, OF COURSE!!

I immediately was on the phone while Mark did his best to take care of the sale (bless his heart, he tried his best :)).

After finding out our pediatrician (who happens to also be Mark's doctor and his wife is my therapist) was the hospitalist and was working, I kind of panicked. I work for that hospital and I knew getting to talk to him would be a challenge. I knew my therapist was in CA this week and was praying I could get a hold of her which I was able to. She told me to call the hospital and just try to talk to him. If I couldn't, she would do what she could to find him...whatever it took (she was so happy for us!).

So, while people are at our house, I'm making phone calls, answering Mark's questions as to what prices are, helping bag items and telling the receptionist when she said I couldn't talk to the doctor that it was an emergent situation and if I couldn't talk to him, his wife would talk to him.....I did finally get to talk to him (he was so nice, so excited for us and so awesome) and we talked about the situation and decided everything was low risk and we wanted to submit our profile.

So, in between customers, I'm running into the house to email our profile to this agency. Long story short, I'm having a lot of trouble submitting it. For some reason it's taking forever to attach. While dealing with that, customers are coming, Mark has chest pain and has to take a nitro inside the house, then his blood sugar drops to 43, Doogie gets sick and is throwing up and more and more customers are coming.

After a few hours, the profile FINALLY goes through. It was a very stressful few hours.

Then I can't get a hold of the agency. I'm calling every 15 min to see if they got the profile. Finally at 5 last night I'm able to get through only to find out the situation was matched an hour ago.

We were so disappointed.

I know at the same time, though, it wasn't meant to be. God had the chances to just "work it out" and things kept coming up. As "perfect" as it sounded, it seems it wasn't meant to be.

It doesn't make it any easier, though. For a day, it seems we had a daughter....a daughter.

On a positive note, I do think God was teaching me something. Just last week, I had emailed my consultant saying that although I knew it was way early, it was hard and discouraging when situations just weren't coming up. She told me that yes it was early but that things can change day to day and that every day brings new hope.

So, we talked about it yesterday and she said that at least I know now that indeed things can change from day to day. It was like she was telling me "I told you so!".

I hate hearing that. :)

And I also know that chances are, this is the first situation of quite a few disappointments.

But again, doesn't make it any easier.

Thanks again for your prayers and support! They are sooooo appreciated. We feel them so thank you!