Still here....

For awhile, this blog probably won’t be the “happy” or encouraging blog that I try to be. In fact, I have a feeling it will be a pretty depressing blog.

I still want to post about our BFP story, part 2, and all the pictures of that day and stuff, but in time. I can’t even look at my camera right now.

I also want to blog about the day we found out we lost our babies. It’s important to me to write everything out.

The truth is (and excuse my language), I’m pissed.

I’ve never felt so betrayed, so angry, so depressed, so lifeless and so alone in all my life. I have a huge support system and friends and family and the best husband anyone could ask for but it’s still the loneliest feeling I’ve ever felt.

I’ve had many conversations, well shouting matches, with God. I don’t get it. I’m so angry at Him. I want to clarify that I know He has a reason and He doesn’t want me to suffer…I know that. But, just because I still love Him and trust Him so much, I feel I’m still entitled to be angry. I’ve been angry at Mark at times even though I love him and trust him so much and I would never turn my back on him just like I would never turn my back on God.

At first, I didn’t hide my tears and frustration from Mark. Then he started really worrying about me and started telling me that his stomach and chest were bothering him. Of course, I started worrying that he would have a heart attack or having his gastroparesis act up and end up in the hospital, so I’ve been hiding things more as I don’t think I could handle anything happening to him right now. In fact, I KNOW I couldn’t. So, I’ve been going to the bathroom just so I can cry, taking Doogie out just so I can cry, getting the mail just so I can cry, taking bubble baths just so I can cry…you get the picture.

I honestly don’t think he buys it though.

Sometimes I find myself grieving more for the loss of carrying a baby.
Sometimes I find myself grieving more for the loss of our baby or babies that we had confirmation they were growing in me.
Sometimes I find myself grieving more for the baby I don’t think we’ll ever have. Yeah, we passed a homestudy and have the adoption route still, but, really who will pick us? A 52-year-old husband with health issues and an old 35-year-old? If I was a birth mom with a choice of a young, healthy couple and us, it would be a no-brainer.

Some days getting out of bed takes more strength than I ever thought I had. Even showering is way too much effort right now.

Yesterday I had my final beta to make sure it was negative. I requested that I not be contacted with the results. I couldn’t hear yet again that it was negative and that I wasn’t pregnant.

Negative…not pregnant.

I’ve had quite a few people tell me that they are angry that it was positive and then negative a couple days later….why couldn’t it just have been negative?

I, myself, am soooo grateful it was positive. Those 2 days were the best days of my life. I had symptoms that I can now say were pregnancy symptoms. I got to have Peyton kiss the babies and know she was kissing them. I got to tell people I was pregnant. I got to show my mom and my therapist a positive pee stick….something I’ve DREAMED about. Nothing compares to seeing my mom’s reaction when I walked in with a pee stick in my hand and on my birthday! What a blessing.

So I can honestly say I’m sooooo glad God said yes even if it was just for a few days of confirmation. I’m grateful for that. I just don’t understand why He had to take all 3 of my babies. Why couldn’t I have at least one?

Just one?

I don’t understand and I’m hurting.

Thank you

I have a lot to write out but right now I just can't. I want to thank everyone for all your comments, emails, thoughts, prayers, everything.

Selfishly I haven't been able to go to any blogs. I'm sorry. I just can't hear about IVF cycles, see baby bumps, ultrasound pics, etc. right now. I just can't and I'm sorry. Please know I still pray for you guys and still wish you sincerely the best. I really do. I just need to take care of myself. Please accept my apology.

This has been a huge loss, much bigger than a lot know. We had decided that this would probably be my last chance to try and carry for several reasons so not only are we grieving the loss of our babies, I'm also grieving the loss of carrying and it hurts so much.

Please don't tell me not to give up, that it's always possible, that anything can happen, etc. I know all that. But, right now, I need to grieve carrying along with the loss of our babies. I need to for me.

If any of this sounds harsh, please know that is not the intention. I would never want to sound harsh. I'm just devastated and hurt more than I ever thought I could.

Thank you all so much for all your support and love and holding me up when I can't stand on my own.

Love you all and I couldn't make it through this without your love.

Thank you.

((HUGS))

Beta went down to 8

It's over

Our BFP story--part 1

(Did I really just post that title???)

I have to start from April 17.

That day I was a wreck. I was so nervous and down. I thought for sure the 17th would be the last day I was pregnant and I wasn't ready to let it go. I cried alot that night. I got a phone call from my brother-in-law, Scott, who donated the kidney to Mark, and his wife, Rose, to wish me a happy birthday. They knew everything that was going on and Rose prayed with me which was so nice. I also got a call from a friend from my church who underwent a FET about 5 years ago and has 5-year-old twins. I talked with her for awhile and she also prayed with me.

And I couldn't stop crying all night. I thought for sure I would get bad news the next day and I wasn't ready to let the babies go.

That night I slept very little. I think I got a couple hours of sleep.

What we didn't tell a soul was that I was going to pee on a stick on the morning of the 18th. I just wanted to have some kind of inkling as to what the beta would be. So I held my pee all night (maybe that was why I had trouble sleeping) and peed on the stick when I couldn't hold my pee any longer at 6:30 in the morning.

After I was in the bathroom, Mark went in and was in there for about 5 minutes. I'll never forget the look on his face when he came out. He looked so down.

I said, "You looked, didn't you?"

Mark just nodded.

I said, "It's negative, isn't it?"

Mark said, "I'm not sure how to read them, but yeah, I think so."

At this point, I was mad. I had the camera in my hand because our plan was to have Mark record my reaction, just in case it was positive. I put the camera down on the counter and was planning on throwing the test at the wall or something. I don't know what I was going to do...I was just mad that it was negative.

But, when I got to the test, I told Mark, "There's a line! Oh my gosh! Mark! I see another line! There are two lines! Two lines!"

And I immediately started crying and kept repeating "Oh my gosh! I'm pregnant!" while hugging Mark so hard.

About 2 minutes later, we finally remembered we wanted this recorded and Mark started recording it (which I promise I'll share :)).

I couldn't let that stick go and kept holding it (not to worry....the cap was on the pee end :)). I kept looking to make sure the line was still there. I kept expecting it to disappear. I've never had a stick with 2 lines before.

I wasn't ready to let anyone know that we had peed on a stick and I wanted to wait for the beta to "officially announce" it. However, I did want to show my mom and my therapist as they had been there soooo much for us through this whole journey. My mom works just down the street from us and so I went and showed her and we cried and hugged together. Then, I made the long drive out to my therapist's house (about 15 min)....it was the longest 15 min of my life! I rang the doorbell and when she came to the door, I just held out the stick and said "I didn't listen to you!" (she said not to test in the morning and wait for the beta). She started screaming and we hugged and cried together. I'm very close to their whole family as I coach the kids in gymnastics and my therapist's husband is Mark's doctor so I was hoping to catch them all at home and I had literally just missed them. :( But in a way, it was nice to have it just be my therapist and me.

I was bummed but I knew I wouldn't make it up to my sister's in time to show her and the kids the stick but I was planning on seeing her later that morning so I was going to let her know.....and I knew I would make sure I saw the kids that night so I would tell them.

Then, we went to get my beta drawn at our nearby clinic. I was so nervous and was hoping and praying the test wasn't wrong. I know it says 99% effective but I just was so scared.

I had tried to call my midwife after my blood draw to let her know about my +HPT. My midwife has been with us since this journey started and I sooooo wanted her to know. She's done all the IUIs and has called us countless times with the news "I'm so sorry. It's negative.". So, I wanted her to know I finally had good news!

I got a hold of her finally after half an hour and told her. She was soooo excited. She asked when I would find out the results and I told her it had to be faxed over to the RE but I thought I would call triage in a couple hours to check. She said, "Well, I'll be watching and I'll call you! I've been waiting for 7 years to tell you you're pregnant!". She actually looked to see if the results were done right then and she found them and said "Congrats! You're pregnant! It's 18!" I said "Really? That's low, isn't it?" She said "It doesn't matter how low it is, just that it continues to go up! Tammy, you're pregnant!! I'm sooo happy for you guys!".

I, of course, started crying. It was official!! I was PREGNANT!!

**more to come and of course pictures and video!!**

THANK YOU!!

Wow.

Seriously, those are the only words I can think of right now.

We are so amazed at the support and love we’ve been shown. It means so much to us. I know I sound like a broken record, but honestly, I just don’t know what else to say other than thank you so much!!

I wish I could thank you all individually who took the time to congratulate us and send me birthday wishes. Please know that we’ve read every single one and every one means so much to us. We are so lucky and blessed to have the support we have. This baby(s) is sooooo loved already by so many people.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

And most of all, we give God all the glory and we thank Him for giving us this gift. He has blessed us in so many ways and we can’t thank Him enough.

I want to share so much more and I will be writing more tonight after work as I want to remember and document everything I can.

Once again, thank you soooo much!!!

I have to say just one more time, I’M PREGNANT!!

Never thought I would be posting this......

After 7 years of a strong desire for a baby...

5 years of treatment including 12 IUIs, 1 failed IVF, 1 failed FET and at least 8 angel babies,

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

The beta came back at 18!!! I'm going in on Wednesday to make sure it keeps going up.

Please, please, please continue to pray for us!

Words can't honestly express thanks enough for your support, love and prayers.

We love you all!

Prayer support needed!!

We want to thank you all again for your wonderful support and prayers throughout our transfer journey. It is such a joy and blessing to have the family and friends we have.

As a reminder, our beta test to see if the babies stay with us or become angels in heaven is this coming Monday, April 18. This happens to be my birthday. Last year during our transfer, we also had my beta on my birthday with heartbreaking results. As you can imagine, we have had a flood of emotions.

Please join us in prayer this weekend as we wait for the beta on Monday. Please pray for the babies and their lives, that they continue to grow inside me and we get to hold them in our arms and share them with you all in 9 months. Please pray in thanks for the gift He has given us and pray this journey gives Him the glory He deserves.

Please join us once again for an hour of prayer SUNDAY night, APRIL 17 at 7 p.m. CST as we prepare for the beta.

With all our love,

Mark and Tammy

Update

I want to thank everyone soooo much for your wonderful support, prayers, emails, etc. Wow. You guys are so supportive and it truly means a lot.

I wish I could answer all the emails and posts but I just can't, but I want you to know I read every single one and I appreciate all the prayers and good thoughts so very much.

I want to answer the questions I've been asked the most:

How are you feeling? Are you having any symptoms? I'm feeling great! I feel like I'm pregnant with twins and I'm enjoying it as much as I can. As far as symptoms, we all know that as you go through this journey, you can have every symptom in the book and still not be pregnant and you can have no symptoms and be pregnant....I've been there so much. And with the progesterone shots I'm on, that also can cause symptoms. So, I've had things going on with my body but I'm definitely not reading into anything at all and right now focusing on the fact that I'm pregnant with twins right now!

Are you going to test/POAS? No. I don't even have the sticks. I can't do it. I know some people won't understand that and I know all about how if it's negative, there's still hope....I've been there many times. Even with a negative test knowing there is still hope, it takes a lot away from the moment. I just want to enjoy this time as much as possible and enjoy the quiet time with my babies while I know for sure that I am pregnant with twins.

Wow...I love typing that....I'm pregnant with twins!

So, until the 18th, we will just take pride that I am pregnant with twins and the gift that God has given to us.

Thank you again for all your support!!

I want to present to you our 2 precious babies:


Aren't they beautiful? :)

Our transfer

Dear Walnut, Wingnut and Whynut (yes, we changed your name, Whynut. Washernut just didn't sound right and a friend wanted to name the third baby and came up with Whynut...why, we don't know, and we promise if you stay with us, we'll come up with a better name. That goes for all of you!),

How do I begin to tell you the day you came into our lives?

We left our house at 9:30 in the morning. Here we are before the big day!


Mommy and Grandma (just a little fuzzy...Daddy took the picture :))


Mommy with her Baby on Board shirt she got from her good friend, Michelle. I was so proud to wear it!


Mommy and Daddy. We can't wait to meet you!


Your big brother, Doogie


Your Daddy...he's a little tired.

We then had to stop at the post office as I was waiting for some lucky socks from my dear friend, AG, and as of Wednesday, they still hadn't come. I had called to have the mail on Thursday held so we could pick it up that morning and I was so happy that they came! Yay! I had my lucky socks!! Thanks so much AG!!




Then we were officially on our way!

At 10:15, Grandma and I switched driving because I had to take some medicine to help me relax. We didn't think it would affect me so fast, but within 5 minutes I felt very relaxed. I was definitely feeling it and we all had a good laugh about it.

We got to the office and went in and checked in.


Mommy and Daddy


Mommy and her lucky socks!

It wasn't long before they called us back. I told the nurse I was feeling real good with the medicine and she said lots of people had strong reactions to it. That made me feel better.

The nurse brought us back to a room where we all got dressed in scrubs.




Grandma's shoes and my lucky socks :)

Grandma


Waiting for the nurse to come back


Mommy on the phone...I was on the phone a lot

When we were all dressed, the nurse came back in and talked about all the things I needed to do after the transfer to keep you safe and warm in my tummy. And believe me, I was going to do anything.

Then the doctor came in and handed me the most beautiful picture and said "I hope this is the first of your baby pictures!". It took my breath away to see 2 of you. You were right there in front of me! Of course I was sad that I only saw 2 and not 3, but I know you're in heaven with Jesus and I can't wait until the day we meet in person.

(I will show the picture soon. The scanner isn't working quite right right now...go figure. :()

After we signed the paperwork, the nurse took us back to the room where 2 of you would be transferred into my tummy. It was so amazing. They had a screen that we could see everything on. It was amazing to watch it all happen.







When the transfer was done, they had me lay there for 10 minutes and then had me get up to go to the bathroom. I had to have a full bladder for the transfer and I really had to pee. But I was so afraid to. I was afraid you guys would fall out or I would hurt you if I did. The nurse assured me you guys would be okay.

After I peed very quick (probably the fastest I've ever peed in my life), I went into the Recovery Room where I laid for half an hour. I was still so drowsy from the medication so I mostly just laid there and rested.



And talked on the phone....of course.


Then we were able to go home!




Once we got home, I went straight to bed. I didn't want to risk doing anything to hurt you guys. I spent the next 3-1/2 days laying in bed while your daddy did so much to help us. Your daddy did a wonderful job taking care of us. I hope you'll be able to see in person what a wonderful daddy you have.

I love you babies! Your daddy loves you! I can't tell you how much you're wanted here. Do you know how many people are praying for you guys? People from all over the world. You guys aren't just our babies....you belong to so many wonderful people who love you so much.

I hope to meet you in 9 months.

I love you with all my heart and soul.

Love,
Mommy

We're home!!

I'm so happy to report that two survived the thaw (we didn't find that out until we got down there so didn't know until 2 minutes before transfer time). I'm am PREGNANT WITH TWINS!!!! Now we just need to pray they stick. :) Of course we're sad in losing one but rejoicing that we have two Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers!! I'll update more later with more info and pictures of the transfer

You guys are the BEST!!

I want to thank everyone SOOOO much for their support. I wish I could thank everyone personally and respond to everyone's comment, reply, email, well wish, etc. but I can't keep up anymore and it's an amazing feeling!

Please know I've read every single comment, email, reply and every one has touched my heart.

Thank you!! ((HUGS))

As soon as I'm home, I will update.

LOVE YOU ALL!!

Transfer update!

We want to thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers! It means a lot to us.

We just found out this morning that our embryos will undergo the thaw this afternoon. We won’t find out until tomorrow morning how they are growing. We were hoping to find out today but unfortunately we’ll be finding out tomorrow. We’re anxious, excited parents waiting to hear how our babies are doing.

Another sleepless night.

Our transfer has been set for 11:15 tomorrow morning when we will undergo the transfer of our beautiful babies that survive the thaw.

Please continue to pray for the thaw this afternoon and for our babies. Please say a special prayer for us tomorrow at 11:15 in the morning, CST.

We are so blessed to have the support and family and friends that we do and are so honored to share this journey with you.

With much love,

Mark and Tammy

It's all worth it

I want to start out by saying thank you for all your prayers, well wishes, thoughts, etc. It truly means so much to me.

Thank you.

We started the PIO injections on Saturday. Mark’s been doing a wonderful job giving them to me, although it bothers him to do it. He hates seeing me hurting and hates the fact that he causes the pain. He’s so sweet. I did tell him not to worry as it doesn’t hurt that bad and it doesn’t hurt at all to fart or poop.

He just shook his head. Nothing I say shocks him anymore, though.

I’ve had a lot of people tell me how they hope it works this time and how they hope it’s all worth it.

I tell people “It already is worth it”.

I understand totally where people are coming from and what they mean. But, honestly, to me, I feel like I’m doing all this for my babies, babies that were given to me as a gift both from God and from an anonymous couple. I’ve been chosen to give these babies a precious chance at life and whether they go straight up to heaven or stay here on Earth, I gave them that chance and I’m willing to do anything to do that.

I’d do and give anything for my babies.

Not to say I wouldn’t be devastated if they didn’t survive the thaw or if the transfer “didn’t work”. Of course I would. But, no matter what, I know my babies will be okay and every shot, pill, dollar, etc. is worth it and no matter what, it “worked”.

I’m a mommy with 3 precious babies.

I’m so blessed.

My butt appointment

Today was our butt appointment. Yes, they drew circles on my buttocks.

And poor Peyton had to miss it. :(

The good news is that everything looks great! Right away, she looks at my lining and says “That looks like the perfect home for some embryos!”

Awww, warmed my heart and of course brought tears to my eyes.

We start the progesterone in oil shots tomorrow...which Mark is not looking forward to at all and to be honest, neither am I, but anything for the babies.

The plan is that the embryos will be thawed out Wednesday and the embryologist will be calling with news on the embryo growth and time of transfer on Wednesday.

Below is an email I sent to my family and friends that I would also like to post here as I definitely consider you guys my friends. :)

Dear friends and family,

As you may know, we recently adopted 3 embryos and we are currently undergoing a cycle for a potential transfer of the embryos. As of today, April 1, we have gotten the green light to go ahead with the transfer which is tentatively scheduled for April 7.

This process is a delicate process for the embryos and timing of the transfer is critical. Throughout this process we will be requesting your prayers during the most critical and delicate times and sharing this journey with you.

On Wednesday, April 6, our embryos will undergo the thaw in preparation for the transfer. They only have a 70% chance of surviving the thaw and continuing to grow. We are asking that you join us in an HOUR OF PRAYER between 8 and 9 p.m. on TUESDAY, APRIL 5 for our embryos , that at least one will survive the thaw, that we would be able to undergo a transfer and I will have the opportunity of being pregnant. And for the embryos that do not survive the thaw, pray in thanks for their beautiful lives and the glory that they have brought to us.

We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers and support.

Mark and Tammy