My devotion for the day

In my devotion today, it said: "Someday, those of us who have trusted Jesus Christ as our personal Savior will leave this life and go to the place He has prepared for us (John 14:3). The journey may be difficult or uncomfortable, but we certainly look forward to the final destination."

I don't know why but that really struck me today. I certainly don't want to sound like I'm preaching or anything. These are just thoughts that came to my mind when I read this.

I know Mark has had a difficult life with all his health problems. The sad thing to me is that he doesn't know life any different. He's always gone through life not feeling well, watching what he eats and giving himself shots every day. And whenever I ask him if he's angry about it all, he always says "I don't know any better, so how can I be upset?". What a guy.

Today, I felt so much comfort. When Mark's time comes and he goes to his final destination, he'll be healthy and he'll finally be able to experience not having pain. No more feeling ill all the time. Something I've always wanted him to experience. He'll have his perfect wings.

And we all get to experience that. No matter how difficult our life is, we all get through it and some day live in paradise. Wow...what a great feeling.

Okay, so I just realized now this sounds really preachy...sorry about that. I guess the morale of that was that no matter how difficult life is, we can look forward to the fact that we'll be in heaven in the end.

Okay, so to completely change subjects here....there's something on my mind and has been bothering me for awhile. My therapist (A) is married to Mark's doctor (J). A and I are both on this detox diet and see the same chiropractor/nutritionist (A's sister) who is about an hour away. A couple weeks ago, we car-pooled. We went shopping afterwards and had a great time. She mentioned J wanted her to get some sexy underwear because she's lost so much weight on this diet. I kept trying to get her to buy some, but she wouldn't. We kept joking about it, though. So, her birthday was a week ago and I gave her--you guessed it--sexy underwear. We laughed so hard about it and she said she was going to tell J they were from me.

Okay, so now J's gotten think I'm a freak--giving his wife sexy underwear??? He's going to think I have serious issues and demand I see another therapist. How am I ever going to face him again? I'm so embarrassed.

Happy hump day!!

For those who are wondering, I did show that list to Mark...and I got an extra hug. :) He loved it obviously. Then shortly after that, he went to the bathroom where he announced I had left a little surprise for him. Apparently one of my "poppers" didn't quite make it down the big long tunnel to the river...oops. But, he's still married to me...can you believe it? :)

I must say I admire him much more now. With this detox diet, I have to take pills 4 times a day, adding up to about 15 pills. I'm soooo anxious to be done with it in a week! Mark has to take 45 pills 4 times a day and he has a weak stomach. I don't know how he does it. I know I'll soon be done with it which keeps me going, but Mark doesn't have that luxury..and yet he still continues on taking them without complaining...too much. :) It's so admirable to me.

A lot of you know we've had insurance issues. Remember that $3700 they still owe us? Well, they still do...and it's "in process". Funny I've heard that for 5 months now. Anyway, the insurance had refused to pay for my HSG back in December which was $700. They have now paid that! I'm relieved about that. Funny how they can pay that and not the $3700 they owe us...hmmmm.

Anyway, here's an insurance issue that's new. Mark hit his max out of pocket back in February of $2000 so we don't have to pay for co-pays anymore for the rest of the year. Well, the pharmacy charged our credit card for about $50 after our monthly refills in April. I called immediately, they looked into it and yes, we didn't owe it. They couldn't figure out what happened. They said it was odd and a computer glitch. Anyway, we got a letter from the insurance company about a week ago saying they were sorry and were going to be sending us a check for $359! Huh? I was shocked. We recieved the check a few days ago. It was amazing! I figure they either made a mistake or I missed something. My mom thinks God just knew we needed the money. I don't know but it was a blessing in disguise. I figure 1 of 2 things will happen:

1. It's right and we missed something and we were blessed that we found it. Thank God there was that 1 mistake and they decided to look into it. It was odd as this has never happened to us before in the 6 years that Mark's had that many meds.

2. It's wrong, they'll realize it, it'll somehow come back to us, we'll go to jail for insurance fraud, we'll lose the house, I'll never get to see my family again and I'll be forever cooped up between bars with a toilet in full view of everyone so they can see my poppers.

I'm hoping for #1. :)

Memorial Day thanks

Today is the day to remember those who have gone before us, especially the soldiers who fought in the war. Thank you! You've given us freedom that we can enjoy our lives. We also reflect on family who have gone before us. There isn't a day I don't think about my grandparents and my father-in-law and how much I miss them. I know they're here with me though as the little things will make me think of them every day and I miss them so much. Thanks for watching over me guys! I can't wait to see you again! I miss you and love you.

I was thinking today about my list I made awhile ago about the things I'm thankful for and I've thought a lot about Mark and the things I'm thankful for about him.

1. Mark has insulin reactions...many times. A lot of times it's during the night and I'll wake up to him in a reaction. I get to wake up and spend more time with him and talk to him that I otherwise wouldn't get. I'm thankful.

2. Mark has trouble seeing because of his diabetic retinopathy. Many times when we go to the movies, I have to lead him into the theatre because he can't see. I get to hold my husband's hand a few moments more than other couples...as we all know as you get married, you no longer hold hands or make out while watching a movie. It's all about popcorn! So, I get to hold Mark's hand a little longer. I'm thankful.

3. Mark gets dizzy spells. Sometimes they are so bad to the point that I have to hold him up or else he will fall. I get an extra hug. I'm thankful.

4. Mark's disabled and can't work. He spends most of the day sleeping while I'm working in the next room. I get to spend time with my husband while I work. I'm thankful.

5. Depending on his days, Mark doesn't always have the strength to be able to wash his hair, cut his nails or other simple things we all take for granted and I have to help him. I get that extra bonding time and get to feel my husband's skin and hair that much more. I'm thankful.

6. Because Mark is so tired, we're often in bed by 8. We don't go to sleep right away but we'll watch TV and drift off....I know some of you thought different when I said "we don't go to sleep right away"...get your minds out of the gutter! :) I get to lay there with my husband and listen to him breathe while he rests. I'm thankful.

7. Mark doesn't have the strength to do a lot of the "man" things around the house. Usually I try to fix as much as I can or else find someone to help. I've learned more about doing the household fix-ups and I've become smarter about those types of things. I'm thankful.

8. Mark isn't able to give himself his insulin shots anymore because he can't see the lines on the syringes because of his eyes. So, 4-5 times a day I have to test his sugar and give him his shot. I get to spend more time with him and be able to touch his skin even more, knowing that I'm helping him stay alive. I'm thankful.

9. Mark's on a special diet that requires reading more labels and being careful about what he eats. I've learned to cook more and be more conscious about what we eat rather than eating junk food all the time. I'm thankful.

10. Mark doesn't have the strength to run after kids or play with them too much. Plus his hip bothers him when he runs. I know when Tyler and Peyton are here and they are begging Uncle Mark to chase him and he does, he's doing it because he loves them and not because he can. I get to see the love with every step in that chasing. I'm thankful.

I could go on, but I'll stop. :) I encourage others to make lists like this. It really is an eye-opener.

I was also tagged by my friend Jen:

The rules: Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

1) What was I doing ten years ago? 10 Years ago was 1998. I was in college and had 2 years left. I had gone to the National Gymnastics Championships with my mom and we got to meet Amy Chow, an Olympian. It was really cool! :) I also started becoming good friends with Mark. We had met in 1996.

2) What are five (non-work) things on my to-do list for today:
Well...no work today but: 1. Laundry...gotta do that yet. 2. Clean house...gotta do that yet. 3. Take a nap...did that! :) 4. See Grandma's fixed-up house...did that and it was awesome! 5. Take Eddie out for a walk as he has been begging me since 5:30 this morning...gotta do that yet.

3) Snacks I enjoy:
Sure...ask when I'm on this detox diet! I love choc. chip cookies, Culver's, chips, ice cream, brownies, cake....I better stop. This is torture!

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

Pay off my parents' house and business
Pay off my siblings' house
Pay for Chad and Ajay's and Michelle's and Nick's adoption
Pay off our house
Pay for Chad, Peter, Tyler, Peyton and Adelaide's education...and hopefully our peanut's. :)
Get our baby no matter what the cost!
Help everyone struggling with infertility to get their babies.
Donate to Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation

5) Places I have lived:

Cushing, WI, St. Croix Falls, WI, Menomonie, WI....I don't get too far :)

6) Jobs I have had:

Cashier, Waitress, Front Desk worker at a hotel, Medical Records Clerk and Transcriptonist

7) Peeps I want to know more about:

Alicia
Cindy
Michell
Elfgirl
The Milk Maid...my hero
Wendy
Michelle

Hope you all are having a great and safe holiday weekend!

Ramblings....LONG.....**yawn**

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and that's scary. Like Mark says, there's nothing more freaky than a Tammy Mae thinking...yikes! :)

Earlier this week, I was kind of freaking out. You see, ever since we started TTC, I was always nervous that something would happen to Mark and he wouldn't be able to experience our baby. It always bothered me...like we were in a time crunch. He's always wanted a daughter and I was always hoping I would be able to give that to him. I started realizing that Mark has a wonderful relationship with his boys...one of the best I've ever seen. And his relationship with Peyton is amazing. And he gets to see her a lot and he doesn't get overwhelmed. So in a sense, I feel like he has gotten to experience the best of the "daughter" relationship. Plus, we buy stuff for our baby even if our peanut isn't with us yet....so he gets to experience that, too.

So, I started realizing that if something were to happen to Mark, it wouldn't bother me as much that he didn't get to experience me pregnant and/or our baby because I feel he's gotten to experience it all without being overwhelmed with having our own. And that scares me. Why would all of a sudden I be okay with everything? Is God trying to tell me something? Is Satan messing with my head? I don't know...but in some ways I feel more relaxed and more calm with everything and we all know it's good to be relaxed while TTC. I talked to a good friend of mine about all this earlier and she gave me some great advice. Thank you SOOOO much C! You truly are the best!! :)

And this week I've been going through the "Why me?"'s again. You know the drill. Why do I have to go through this? Why do we have to go through infertility when we've already been through so much with Mark's health? Why do we have to suffer so much?

Then I started realizing....why not me? It clearly states in the Bible that we will all suffer. Everybody will..there's no doubt about it. But everyone's suffering is different and God only gives you what you can handle. My "suffering" has caused me to be stronger as a person, wife, daughter, sister, stepmother, friend, etc. I feel I'm more sympathetic and more understanding and not as self-centered as I used to be. I've often said if I can help one person while going through the transplant and/or infertility, then it's worth it to me....and I feel I have done that. I've also learned through this to appreciate my husband more...to appreciate every hug and to cherish every kiss, the feeling that every time he puts his arms around me and we just "fit" and to know my husband's body and every curve of it like I know my own. I know many couples love each other as much as we do....but I don't think they are lucky enough to appreciate it. We do. And it's because of what we've been through.

So, I'm lucky. I'm lucky God has chosen me and He thinks I'm strong enough to go through this. Some day I'll know the reasons why, but I think if I stop to think about it, I'm beginning to understand.

My life has definitely changed since meeting Mark in 1996 and when I look back at it all, I'm blessed. I have met AMAZING people through this infertility journey and friends that I wouldn't give up for the world. And through Mark's transplant journey, I've met a lot of inspiring people that make me realize there are good people in this world. I'll never forget the day of Mark's transplant when I was so nervous about him during surgery. I got into an elevator with a lady and I was really down and nervous. She couldn't stop smiling. She asked me how I was. I told her I was okay and asked her how she was. She said "I just had a double lung transplant. Life is great. God is great.". Then she got off the elevator and at that moment, I felt peace and love. I'll never forget that moment. How inspiring.

So, there are my thoughts for this week....wow! If you made it through all that, kudos to you!

Thanks for being a part of my life...I'm so blessed! I love you all!!

I'm still here!

Wow...I can't believe it's been so long since I've blogged. I'm a bad girl!

I still don't have my computer fixed. :( I'm going through computer withdrawal. I have an addiction to my computer, I think. I miss it. I still have the work computer but I don't want to use that too much.

Mark has been sick. :( He has a bad case of bronchitis. I brought him in on Saturday to make sure he doesn't have pneumonia and they didn't think he did. They put him on an antibiotic to make sure to cover it, though. Some days he seems to be worse and other days he's better. The poor guy. :(

The detox is going good! I've noticed my tummy is much tighter and I've noticed my skin is softer and clearer on my face. Somebody said I had more color and looked good. So, I know there are some changes going on. :) I'm 2 weeks into it...only 2 weeks left to go!

Today I'm on CD13. Only 2 weeks until the start of my next cycle. I can't believe it's here already....it went so fast. In some ways I'm excited but in other ways, I'm scared. I'm so scared of it not working. I hate those BFNs and I hate to see another month go by. But, I know it won't happen unless I at least try.

Tyler had his preschool graduation yesterday! It was soooo cute! As soon as I get my computer back, I'll share pictures. :)

Otherwise, not much new is going on. I hope you're all having a good week! :) Happy hump day! :)

I was tagged :)

I was tagged for a meme by my friend, Deena. :)

Four things I did ten years ago:

(Wow....that was a heck of a long time ago)

1. I had started becoming good friends with Mark....wow, can't believe it's been that long.
2. I went back to college to finish my degree.
3. I went to the National Gymnastics Championships in Indianapolis, Indiana with my mom. I got to meet Amy Chow who was a 1996 Olympian. It was pretty cool. :)
4. My sister had broken up with her boyfriend that I thought for sure she was going to marry. :( I remember it so clearly because she called me crying and I told her to stay right there and I would go get her and bring her home. She was an hour away. I'll never forget seeing her face when I opened the door to her dorm room. It's heart-breaking to see your sibling so heart-broken.

Four things I did five years ago:

1. Mark and I bought our first house together...the house we live in now. :)
2. It had been one year since the transplant and Mark was feeling good.
3. Tyler had been born December 2002, so he was 6 months old. I fell in love with him.
4. It was July 2003 that we decided we were going to TTC.

Four things I did yesterday:

1. Got an adjustment on my back!! Woohoo!! :)
2. Got the news that my computer was fried due to a virus. :(
3. Had another wonderful day of detox.
4. Made an appointment for Mark for this morning as he is sick and I'm worried about pneumonia. :(

Four shows I love to watch:

1. Survivior
2. Judge shows....love Judge Judy and People's Court :)
3. Deal or No Deal...even if people piss me off because they get so dang greedy!
4. The Apprentice...can you tell I'm a reality show buff. :)

Four things I love to do:

1. Walking and hiking
2. Scrapbooking
3. Spending time with my family
4. Reading blogs :)

I'm tagging:
1. Redsoxfan (Two Moms and a Baby)
2. diazepam (All that's missing is gunfire)
3. Amy and Sharon (It goes so fast)
4. Cindy (Bunch and a bunch)

Have fun! :)

I'm sorry I haven't been around as much. My computer got a virus....grrr! I hope they're able to save some things. I had been writing my book and that was all in that computer. No, I didn't save it on a disc. :( Life lesson there guys!

And I wanted to clarify for the detox, I do get to eat. :) I just have to have water with my meals and make sure I drink enough. :)

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Mark and Tammy conversations

Mark was a little down last week which led to this conversation:

Tammy: Don't worry honey. We'll get through this double D.
Mark: Double D?
Tammy: Yeah, depression and detox.
Mark: Ah, yes. I understand.
Tammy: Then when we're done with it, I hope it goes directly to my boobies.

I did get a little smile out of Mark on that one. :)

Then, we also had this one:
Mark: Clarence is coming out with a new TV show.
Tammy: Clarence?
Mark: Yeah, you know Clarence.
Tammy: The only Clarence I know is our neighbor and he just had a heart attack, so I highly doubt he's going start his own TV show.
Mark: No, not that Clarence. You know Clarence, the one from the millionaire show.
Tammy: Are you talking about Regis Philbin?
Mark: Yeah, that's him.
Tammy: How the heck did you come up with Clarence?
Mark: Well, he looks like a Clarence to me.
Tammy: So, should I start calling you what you look like to me, goof-ball?
Mark: If you want, nerd-bomber.

Can you feel the love? :)

We're doing good here. Not much to report. The detox is going great. I'm now on day 8 of 28 days! :) This week I can only eat fruits and veggies and that's it. I miss my chicken. :) For those interested as I've gotten a few questions, here is a list of my day:

6 a.m. 20 min walk

6:30 a.m. breakfast, 16 oz. water, Shaklee Vita Lea 2
caps
(like prenatal vitamin), EPA/DHA 2 caps (supposed to
be good for pregnancy and baby's brain function),
Femarone cream (supposed to help with infertility),
EstroFactors 3 tabs (give estrogen to body) and
Instrinic B12 folate 1 tab (replace the gluten and
dairy in body).

9 a.m. UltraClear drink (this is hard for me and I've
had to cut it down more), Renagen 1 cap (detoxify
kidneys) and AdvaClear 2 caps (detoxify kidneys).

12 p.m. Lunch, 16 oz. water

3 p.m. Same as 9 a.m.

6 p.m. Supper, 16 oz. water, Renagen 1 tab

9 p.m. Femarone cream.

Obviously some is for infertility too, but for the
most part, most is for detox. The main things I have
to exclude from the diet are gluten, sugar and dairy.
No artifical sweeteners or anything...but I can have
potato chips as long as they aren't made out of corn.
:) You have a lot of fruits and vegetables. I've
learned to be creative....lots of roasted and grilled
veggies. :) Actually it's going better...the drink is
hard for me but other than that, it's not so bad.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing good! :) Happy hump day! :)

Mother's Day ventings

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there! I hope it's a special one for everyone! And to all those trying to be mothers....it'll happen guys! I hope and pray this is your last Mother's Day without your angel.

Thanks so much to everyone for your words of encouragement. Realistically I do know it wasn't my fault and that I do need time off...definitely. But, no matter how much I know that, it still bothers me. But, I realize something can happen when I leave for something, when I'm in the shower, anything. God allows things to happen so I need to focus on that.

Right now the thing that bothers me is the reaction we've gotten from some people about it. Mark's brother (P) had called the ambulance and then his wife (Mark's sister-in-law) was at the hospital with Mark until I came. Both she and I work at that hospital. I'm soooo grateful to them for how they helped Mark and what they did....don't get me wrong. But, some things have been bothering me. Like, when P got to Mark, I told him on the phone to just call an ambulance to bring him down. P said he could just bring him himself. I told him that was fine but he doesn't always cooperate. So, P asked Mark if he would cooperate to which Mark said yes and P said, "See? I'll take care of it...don't worry.". Well, duh...of course Mark was going to agree to cooperate....he wasn't in his right mind. I get a call 20 min later from P. I asked him if Mark was in the ER to which P said, "No. The ambulance crew just got here. He wouldn't cooperate with me.". ARGH!! I wish he would've just listened to me the first time. At that point, I knew we just needed to get some sugar into him and time is of the essence at that point.

Mark's sugar going low happens all the time. Because Mark has been diabetic for so long, his body has become more resistant to the insulin. He eats the exact same thing for breakfast every morning and we have the same scale for his insulin. However, we never know day to day what his sugar will be at lunch. And he always sleeps during the morning so he doesn't do anything. That's how weird it is. So, I knew this whole thing was just a fluke and nothing Mark did wrong.

Well, we've had a couple people tell Mark he "needs to take care of himself" and "he must not have eaten when he was supposed to". It makes me so angry when people say things like that. Mark did nothing wrong. I was so proud of Mark because he stood up for himself and explained things which I think helped. Usually he'll just take it, but I think I've rubbed off on him. :)

And with P and his wife, you'd have thunk that they solved world hunger or something. And yes, I'm sooooo grateful they were there to help and I couldn't have done it without them. But you would've thought Mark was dying by the way they keep bringing it up. And the way they've been talking to people they act like this never happens and they are always there to help when it does. This happens all the time and 99% of the time, I'm on my own and I don't tell anyone it happens because I'm so used to it. I know exactly what to do when it happens and I know the best way for Mark to get him out of it for that situation. Also, ever since I've dated Mark, they've kind of treated me like a kid and like I don't know anything....I think because of the age difference. They've often told me that they've know Mark a lot longer than me so they know him "better"..which I tend to disagree. And then Friday, they would just say things like "he just needs some juice, we'll take care of him, enjoy the shopping". Yeah right...like I'm gonna stay shopping!! Sometimes it just frustrates me the way I'm treated because I'm so young.

Then, I got a letter from the Office of Commissioner of Insurance yesterday. They said they mailed it out on 04/29/08 when I've been wondering what's been going on with their response. Well, the letter is dated 04/29/08 but it's postmarked 05/08/08. GRR! Anyway, they said "The company's response indicates you insurance coverage is provided by your employer on a self-funded basis. This means your employer actually provides the funds to pay claims. The company only provides certain administrative and claims processing services for your employer. We cannot take action on your behalf because the ERISA assigns jursidiction of most employers' self-funded plans to the US Department of Labor."

What the heck? Anyone know what they are talking about? I think if I talked to the US Department of Labor, I'd get my employer in trouble, right? So, that's EXACTLY what I want to do when our jobs are in trouble as it is....duh. I just feel like we're never going to get this money....we're freaking owed $3700.

On an upbeat note.....needed to have some upbeat in here :)....I'm feeling great! This detox is going much better. To answer some questions, sometimes your body can be full of toxins and it can make it harder to concieve. I've heard of some women going on this and then getting pregnant right away. So, I thought it was at least worth a shot. It does work for weight loss. I know I'm not fat by any means, but I've noticed my tummy is smaller. Most of the toxins in your body are at the stomach, so when you detox, it makes sense that your tummy would get smaller. I've heard of some people losing 40-50 pounds. I won't because I'll gain the weight back in my muscles because I'm so thin. But, I do feel good and I'm happy right now!

Mark is feeling better, although he had a really rough night last night....poor guy. :( I hope he's feeling better later.

We had Peyton's birthday party last night and I'll be showing pictures later. It was soooo much fun!

I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's Day! We'll be celebrating with my mom later tonight when Survivor is on. Otherwise, we're not doing anything. We're skipping church. :( Mark isn't feeling good. And I really didn't want to go on Mother's Day because they always have the mothers stand up and they get flowers. It's always been hard for me. My family always makes me stand up because of Chad and Peter, but it's not the same. This year is especially hard just because I thought for sure I'd be a mother by this time last year. I hope this is my last Mother's Day "motherless".

I've had a bad day :(

First of all...did anyone watch Survivor last night? Erik definitely has the reign as the dumbest Survivor ever. I do actually feel for him. He seems like such a sweetheart...but, man, he's dumb and it bothers me.

Anyway...today, I took off work to go to a city-wide garage sale about an hour away. I went with my mom and sister. I called Mark at noon to get him up for lunch. He answered the phone, but I knew right away his sugar was low and eventually he was unresponsive to me. I finally got a hold of his brother and stayed on the phone with Mark until his brother was over there. His brother ended up taking him to the ER because he wouldn't respond. That was the longest hour drive of my life. They pumped him full of sugar and he's back home and fine.

I just feel so bad. Yes, I know I need a day off and I need to get out. I just hate it when things like this happen. I was the one who gave him his shot this morning, so I feel I'm responsible for his sugar going low. And if I would've been home, I would've seen him before he went low or I would've been able to give him a sugar shot so he wouldn't have had to go in. I just feel so bad. The worst part for Mark was he was in his Christmas underwear. :) When I got to the ER, the nurses had me run up to get some clothes because they didn't want him streaking up the hill. :)

I'm just really down on myself right now. Obviously, Mark is really sweet and keeps telling me it was just a fluke, everything's fine and not to worry. He keeps apologizing to me that he cut my shopping short. As much as I know it's not my fault, I just hate myself for putting him in that position just so I could go shopping. I just feel like a horrible wife.

On an upbeat, I feel MUCH better. I think I just had a bug and it had nothing to do with the detox. The detox is going great. :)

Happy Birthday our sweet Peyton!!

Peyton,

Yes, I know you can't read yet---you can barely talk. But I hope one day you'll read this and know how much I love you.

Happy birthday, honey. I can't believe you're already 2. I'll never forget the day you were born. I was so worried it was going to be hard for me to see you. You see, Uncle Mark and I wanted a little one like you before you came and God kept telling us it wasn't the right time and we needed some help. A couple months before you were born, we had talked to our doctors to help us bring our own little Peyton. So, I thought it would be hard to see you.

But I couldn't have been more wrong. The minute I laid my eyes on you, I was in love. Your perfect face, hands, feet, everything about you. I loved just looking into your eyes and knowing my life had changed forever.

Peyton, the last 2 years you've brought me and Uncle Mark so much joy. You've grown into such a pretty, loving, little girl and we love you so much. I know you have a special bond with Uncle Mark and I hope that never changes and you don't forget it. Your smile melts our hearts.

I love you so much and I know if I had to go through all this infertility stuff for you, I would. And I'd do it 100 more times. You give me strength, sweetie, and you don't even know it.

Thanks for a wonderful two years full of joy, laughter, smiles and love. You've changed our lives so much for the better.

Happy birthday Peyton or as you would say "Pay-Pay". Now go eat some cake. :)


The day Peyton was born

Tyler and Peyton...one of my favorite pictures of them

My favorite picture of me and Peyton. I love the angel in the background above Peyton's head.

Peyton with a Packer Santa hat on

Peyton giving Mark a kiss....I love this picture

My detox

First of all, thanks sooo much for the annivesary wishes! You guys are great!

Here's a picture of the supplements I have to take.

So far, it's been a struggle. I've thrown up every morning but Monday since I started this. They think I'm a little too sensitive to the detox program, so we're cutting back just a little. I guess that sometimes happens. They wanted to really push it for me, but I'm just too sensitive to it. Man, I hope this is all worth it. I had an emotional breakdown to Mark yesterday morning when I was so sick. I kept thinking if I can't handle this, how am I going to handle being pregnant? And of course, the familiar questions an IF person ask "Why me?", "Why do I have to struggle so much for something someone else doesn't have to?", "Why does this have to be so hard?", etc. We all know those questions. :)

Thanks again for the support you guys! It means so much! :) (((HUGS)))

It's been 7 years...

...since we were married! :) Yeah, it's our anniversary! I can't believe it's been 7 years.

I'm copying this from a post back in December. It really tells our wedding story the best. :)

Just as a warning, this story may get really boring, so I'd understand if you didn't read it. :) But I love sharing it, so here it goes:

Mark and I got engaged the Friday after Thanksgiving 2000. At that time, Mark was feeling pretty good. We knew that his kidneys were failing and that he would need a transplant, but he was still working and still feeling pretty good. I had always wanted a Christmas wedding (because I'm such a Christmas freak :)), so not long after we got engaged, we set a date for December 1, 2001.

In February 2001, Mark started getting sick really fast. He could hardly get out of bed. He stopped working and went on disability. They didn't want to start dialysis and wait for the transplant because they thought it would be easier on his body. Well, in March, it started getting so bad that we made the decision to start dialysis. During this time, it was very stressful for me and hard. I was an emotional wreck.

At the end of March, I had gone out to eat with my parents just for fun and to get out of the house. Mark wasn't feeling good, so he stayed home. At the end of the meal, we had the usual fighting over the bill. For some reason, it really struck a nerve and I just started bawling...right there in the middle of the restaurant. My parents asked what was wrong and I honestly didn't know. At that point, my mom started crying and both my mom and dad started telling me about how worried they were about me and how I was going through so much. I was 24 at the time. At that point, I realized I was scared that Mark wasn't going to be healthy enough to get married in December, that he might not make it and that we didn't know when the transplant would be. Plus, financially I knew it was a problem for Mark because he only had his insurance.

My parents then asked why we were waiting until December. I didn't know....guess we were just waiting. My parents then suggested getting married as soon as possible when we knew Mark was "okay" and then financially, things would be less stressful during the year because Mark would have his insurance coverage and my coverage also. We thought it was a great idea and set a date for May 5, 2001. Both families were 100% behind us and thought it was great. I mentioned to our families that I was a little disappointed as I've always wanted a Christmas wedding, but as long as I was marrying Mark, any time would be okay. They immediately said they were going to give me a Christmas wedding....who cared if it was in May? Our families worked soooo hard for us and I still get tears in my eyes thinking how much they did for us to put a Christmas wedding together in 6 weeks.

What's interesting is that I had talked to my pastor in the church where I grew up in about our plans. He was not for it. He said we were getting married for the wrong reasons. He agreed to meet with us for counseling but said Mark had a lot of baggage we had to work through (he's been divorced). That upset me....what happened to not judging people? So, we found another pastor. We found a pastor who would marry us who knew me from my childhood days. When I told him Mark had been divorced, he simply said that it says in the Bible that divorce is wrong, but everyone makes mistakes. I knew we had found the right one. Plus, we basically skipped right over the sex part of the counseling. :) That made Mark feel soooooo much better.

Anyway...wow...this is getting long. We had our Christmas wedding on May 5, 2001....but we still celebrate December 1 every year. So, we have "2" anniversaries. :) It's still warms my heart so much how much work everyone did. It was the perfect Christmas wedding. The pastor even dug out the Christmas decorations and decorated the church for Christmas.....right before he went out and mowed the lawn. :) There were candles in the windows and even though it was 4 in the afternoon in the middle of May, we still had a "candlight" ceremony. It was beautiful. There are some pictures that I hope you enjoy.

Okay, I'm wiping the tears now......did I lose anyone? Anyone who read that whole thing gets a big smooch! **SMOOCH**


The new family

Mark and the boys

My family

Us with Mark's mom and dad

The boys with the roses they gave me

I should just keep my mouth shut

Remember how I said Mark was feeling good? Well, scratch that. :( He's sick again. He threw up twice last night....one time not making it to the bathroom. He's claiming it's sympathy for me. Poor guy. He's still feeling sick to his stomach and all night I was so worried about his sugar going low that I didn't sleep very good.

Oh, and I wanted to clarify that when I said we spent about $1200, I did prepay for 13 visits, so that was a part of it, too. But, the detox program was still about $400. And I forgot to mention, that I'm taking another month off. :( I really, really hate that, but I was told that during the next month, my body will still be in the process of detoxing. We could still go for it, but to get the best chance, it would be best to wait a month. At this point, I want to get the best chance. Also, it could take another month for my back to be completely aligned. So, as much as I hate to do it, we're taking another month off. :(

I hope no one forgets about me. :) I hope when it comes time in a couple months that you guys aren't wondering who the heck I am. :)

Oh, and another thing....I heard from the insurance company Saturday. Unfortunately I was riding in the car with my mom and was really sick. I was mostly concentrating on keeping my cookies in rather than arguing with the insurance company. Anyway, get this. THEY LOST THE CLAIMS AGAIN. I have to fax the claims for the FOURTH time since January. It's ridiculous. I didn't say much because, like I said, I was sick. I did manage to ask about late fees and interest but they said they didn't do that. I told them it's been 5 months that we've been owed $3700 and they said "they'd see what they could do".

I'm beyond frustrated right now. So, any ideas? I've already filed a grievance to the Officer of Commissioners and nothing's been done yet. I have been told to talk to our state representative to see if that would help. I'm going to be typing a letter to include when I refax these claims...so how do I be "nice" without basically telling them that they're lucky to be alive? Do I threaten to talk to a lawyer? What do I do? Any advice would be great.

Like sand through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives. (I haven't seen that soap opera since college, but saw a glimpse of it the other day and I could tell you pretty much what was going on....sad, huh? :))

Update

I'm soooo sorry you guys! I've been pretty busy. :(

First of all, Mark is doing much, much better. He's no longer sick to his stomach. I think it was just a little bug, but he's doing a lot better. Thanks so much for your concern everyone! And Peyton is doing good. :) I could hardly see the bump anymore.

Thursday, I went to see a chiropractor/nutritionist who has a special interest in pregnancy. I mostly wanted to start seeing a chiropractor because I've had problems with my back since high school when I was a gymnast and I had heard that if your back is out, it can significantly hurt your chances. Right away when she touched my back, she could tell I had a lot of damage in my back and neck. :( It didn't surprise me at all because my low back gave me the most problems in high school and I landed on my neck quite a few times and had fallen and gotten a bad case of whiplash in high school, too. She noticed I had a lot of damage on the right side of my neck and asked if I had injured that side. I had actually fallen on my neck on that side during a meet. My parents had taped it and my loving brother brought it to his Biology class the next day and showed it to them....first regular speed, then slow motion, then backwards. So, I clearly remember that fall and I just love my brother for sharing that special moment, too. :)

Anyway, so they ran a bunch of films and I found out I have many twisted vertebrae in my back. My spine is actually twisted in the upper back. I have bone degeneration in my hips and pelvis. So now, I'm on a chiropractic program which I'm hoping will help increase our chances with everything they found. I do have some back pain, but not a whole lot. She thought I had the pain tolerance of a horse to live with that pain and not think there was a problem.....maybe a dead horse? :)

Oh, and Mom, I do want to thank you for letting me be in gymnastics...and no sarcasm there. I loved the sport and everything about it and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I'm glad I got to experience it. I can imagine you're feeling a little guilty, but don't. :) I feel bad I made you drag me everywhere to all the appointments, ERs and everything....I'm sorry. :(

So, anyway.....this is getting long...I'm sorry. :( Along with the chiropractic care, I was also started on a detox diet, and that's no fun. :( I have to take a lot of supplements along with no sugar, wheat, gluten, you name it. I had heard about detox diets and how it could help and I knew if I didn't at least try it, I would always wonder if it would've helped. So, I started that today. I can't believe how much I can't eat. :( But if it helps, it's all worth it. It started out rough, though. :( I actually got sick this morning and threw up. Conveniently I didn't make it to the bathroom in time....that's never fun. :( Then I went shopping with my mom later today (which was fun...thanks Mom!) and felt better until the way home when I got sick again. :( I took an hour nap and I feel better now. I keep telling myself if this helps me get pregnant, it's definitely worth it. I'd keep doing it over and over.

So, that's my exciting life the last few days. I left the chiropractic office $1200 poorer. :( Unfortunately that office is out of network for our insurance, so it won't cover it. But, like I've rambled on and on about, if it works, it's worth it. Mark has been soooo supportive. He's been with to both appts (about 45 min away) and he doesn't do good with car rides so it means a lot to me that he goes. Then, I was worried about the $ and he said he could try to get a part-time job. What a sweetheart. I know he wouldn't be able to handle that, plus we'd lose the diability, but that fact that he was thinking about it meant the world to me. After he said that, I stopped complaining about the money.

I'm sorry I've bored you. I'll give you all a cookie for reading everything!

Dang that looks good.....and I can't even have it. :(

Love to you all!

I'm still here!

Things have been crazy the last couple days so I haven't had time to check blogs or the boards....I'm sorry. :( But, I'm going to tomorrow! I hope everyone is doing okay!