IVF vent

Are you getting sick of those yet?

I admit, every time I hear negative talk about IVF, I feel very defensive and feel I have to voice my opinions, too. I mean, if others can voice their opinion, can't I?

I recently read on a blog about Jo Lo's comments about not "messing with IVF and playing God".

I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly pleased that she seemed to get bashed for what she had to say. I honestly find it hard to believe that at the age of 43, she was able to conceive fraternal twins naturally. Maybe she did, but I have a hard time believing she didn't use some type of fertility treatment like Clomid or something. However, I don't know that and I don't want to jump to conclusions.

What frustrates me the most is when these people say you're "playing God". I'd be willing to bet that people saying that have gone to a doctor, taken antibiotics, gone grocery shopping, etc. Isn't going to the doctor "playing God" then? Why not just let the illness take its course? Why take antibiotics? Won't God heal you? Why go shopping for food? God will provide....the food will just "come". Honestly, if you want to dissect IVF, dissect everything in life.

One of the best stories I've ever heard came from my pastor and I've thought about it so much during my infertility journey.

Here it is: There was a huge flood in a town. A man was sitting on the roof of his house praying to God to save him from the flood. Soon, a boat with rescuers came and tried to get the man to get into the boat. The man said "No thanks! God will save me". Not too long after that, a helicopter with rescuers came by and tried to get the man to come to the helicopter. The man said "No thanks! God will save me.". The man ended up drowning in the flood. When he saw God in heaven, he was angry at God and said "Why didn't you save me? I prayed that you would save me.". God said to him "I sent you a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want?"

I think about that all the time. God provides opportunities and it's up to us to take those opportunities or not. I don't want to say to God "I prayed so hard for a baby and you didn't provide" and then have Him answer "I gave you IUIs, Clomid, IVF, donor eggs and donor embryos. What more do you want?"

Everyone is entitled to their opinion for sure. I just think people should look at the WHOLE picture and their WHOLE life before casting judgment.

Letter to our angel babies

To our sweet angels,

If my IVF would’ve worked, our due date would’ve been today, July 6. I still remember that day we were given the call and were told you guys, our precious angels, had gone to be with Jesus. We were on our way to a toy show with Grandma and Grandpa when they called on Mommy’s cell phone. I remember having to pull over to the side of the road and Daddy held me for a long time. I remember that exact spot and every time we go by it, I get chills and tear up. That was the spot our lives turned upside down.

I miss you, my precious angels. I think about you guys every day. I know you guys are so happy and are safe up in heaven, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I wish you were here with your daddy and I. I get sad some days, so very, very sad.

But, I’m so grateful for the time we did have together. All the ultrasounds, the appointments, learning about you guys and how you were growing. We were able to spend quite a bit of time getting to know you guys and what to expect. And thank you so much, our angels, for giving Daddy and I such precious time together as we created you. We got to spend a lot of extra time together driving to the appointments and the retrieval and we are so grateful for that.

I am so sad you guys aren’t here with us. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish you were here. Some days it hurts so bad to think about it and just to breathe hurts. The pain is so unbearable sometimes.

But, there are days I realize how lucky we are to have created you guys and how lucky we are to be parents to 4 precious angels. You guys have changed our lives so much. We have seen the goodness of so many people because of you guys. We met our donor egg angel, Stacey, 2 Megans who have been through donor egg/embryo cycles and your Daddy got to go down to Texas and spend time with your cousin Amy and her kids. And now we’ve gotten to witness the most precious, unselfish, miraculous gift Kami and Steve could ever give. We never would have experienced these experiences if you guys hadn’t been in our lives for such a short period of precious time. We have experienced miracles because of you guys, our miracle babies.

And there have been times where I know you guys have been there. Other people may think your mommy is looking too much into it and think I’ve lost my mind….and they may be right….but I know in my heart, you guys were there and had some part in it. Like when our friend paid for our bill at the restaurant for Mother’s Day and the time the baby bunny was under our angel tree. You guys had a part in that, didn’t you? Thank you for showing us you are here and that you are real.

To be honest, I thought this day would be harder than it was. Instead of focusing on what I’ve lost, I’ve been focusing on what I have and what precious gifts you guys have given your daddy and me. I can’t thank you guys enough for all you’ve shown and given to us.

I know you’re in heaven and there’s no greater place to be. I know it’s only a short time until your daddy, I and the 4 of you finally have our family reunion. I know when we get to heaven, you guys will be waiting for us at heaven’s gates and I can’t wait to hug you guys and hold you for eternity.

We love you guys and miss you guys so much. Until we meet in heaven, we’re always thinking of you guys and loving you so very much.

Love
Mommy and Daddy

The day we got the news

The letter I wrote to the babies

What I wrote to family and friends shortly after our cancelled transfer


Stimulation day 7


Stimulation day 10


Stimulation day 11


In memory of our 4 angels

If my IVF would've worked...

I figured it out and my due date would have been 07/06/09.

That means I could've been big and uncomfortable right now or have a sweet baby in my arms.

Instead I have 4 angel babies.

As much as I'm grateful for the way things have turned and the road I've traveled, it still hurts so much and I think about what could've been.

I could've had my baby in my arms.

I was so close....so very, very close. So. flipping. close.

I know I'll get there...it'll be worth it....my heart still hurts, though.

I've been tagged....and updates

Hope you guys are having a wonderful weekend!!!

I wanted to give a couple updates on Peter and my dad. Peter was discharged on Friday. He was feeling a lot better he said and honestly, he looked better. But, Mark and I were talking on the way home and we both know he knows what to say to get out of there (he really wanted to leave). Yesterday when Mark talked to his ex, I guess Peter was back to his "old" ways, which I was afraid of. Hopefully things get better.

My dad is still in a lot of pain. I feel so bad for him. He's supposed to go back this week if he's still in pain so we'll see. I just hope it's nothing serious. It worries me that they couldn't find a kidney stone with all the tests they ran.

Now, I need some advice. I found out this weekend that our insurance changed a little this year with infertility. Before we had a $5000 infertility max. Now apparently we don't. However, fertility meds and injectables are not covered. But, from what I understand, once we hit the $5000 max out of pocket (which we will in a few weeks), everything is covered 100% including IVF except for the meds. I don't know about donor IVF, though. I'm sure all donor services are not covered.

So, I was thinking. It seems too good to be true. But, there is that small possibility that changing the meds will be successful for me. It's a very, very small chance, though. But, if the IVF truly is covered 100%, the cost would only be for the meds. And I have lots of Lupron left over. I have leftover Follistim and Menopur, but they would want to switch the meds I would think and try a different protocol this time.

Honestly, it seems too good to be true that the IVF would be covered 100% and I would make sure. But, the weird thing is, I wouldn't have known if I hadn't gone into my insurance website and happened to go into my inbox where I found a message from last December (I never check this) saying the infertility coverage had changed. Hmmmm, could it be a God thing??? I always know that God is in control and like Kami says "He's driving my car".

So, what would you guys do? I guess if it's true, would what I lose by trying? But, if it doesn't work, all that running around and the cost could have been saved for a donor IVF cycle rather than "wasted". But on the other hand, I've wanted to try again with my own just to see so at least I would have tried it. What do you guys think???

Okay, I've been taggged so here we go!

I’ve been tagged by Our Journey With Our Two Daughters!

Step 1: Respond and rework- Answer the questions on your own blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention. Add one more question of your own.

Step 2: Tag eight other untagged people. (I'm not going to do this...I've tagged enough people :). But anyone wanting to do it sure can!)

1) What do you for a living? I'm a transcriptionist. I work from home and love what I do.

2) What is your biggest fear? My biggest fear is losing Mark.

3) Do you nap a lot? On weekends sometimes. I love to nap, though. :)

4) Who is the last person you hugged? My Markie-poo.

5) What websites do you visit when you go online? All my blogger friends. :)

6) What was the last item that you bought? Something for Michelle and Kayla

7) If you were to wake up tomorrow and be a boy, what is the first thing you would do and why? Ask Mark if he's gay. If he's not, we would have a problem.

8) Has a celebrity’s hair cut ever influenced your own hairstyle? Nope.

9) What is your most embarrassing moment? When I was first dating Mark, I was getting my keys out of my purse and I dropped a few tampons. Now, that wouldn't bother me at all (obviously :)) and I would just make him pick them up for me, but at the time, I was so embarrassed.

10) What was the last movie that you watched? A Perfect Marriage on Lifetime last night.

11) If you had a whole day to yourself with no work, commitments. or interruptions what would you do? Take a bubble bath, take a nap, just relax.

12) Do you believe in heaven, and if so what do you want to hear GOD say when you arrive? Absolutely I believe in heaven. I would want to hear "Well done my good and faithful servant."

$15,774.19

While working on taxes, that's the amount we spent on infertility last year.

So depressing.

I'm thinking of having a shirt made up: "I spent over $15,000 towards a baby and all I got was an empty, lonely uterus".

Kind of makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn't it? :(

I know I've been tagged a couple times and one is a honest scrap again...lucky you guys. :) I will be doing it very soon, I promise!

Just to answer a few questions...

First of all I want to say thanks so much to you guys for making me cry! Wow..you guys are so sweet! I certainly don't consider myself to be a strong person at all and what you guys have said has really touched me, so thank you!

As far as the FMLA (LOA), IVF is not considered valid for that. I tried so hard for it last fall when I underwent IVF. Apparently it's not considered "medically necessary" so it doesn't qualify in FMLA. That's right....instead of making love to my husband and creating a baby, I seem to want to go the hard way and get a hockey stick up my vee-jay many times, get endless shots, drive hundreds of miles and spend thousands of dollars, all because it's not "medically necessary". That's me...always wanting to do things the hard way rather than the easy way. (Can ya tell that's a little bit of a sore spot?)

We definitely we will be going on. I can't give up. Like I've said before, I want to be a good mom and a good mom will never give up on her child. However, I do want to go God's direction and where He leads me, is where I'll go.

The movie theater was AWESOME!! I didn't realize how common they were until I read your comments! Wow! We really are deprived in Wisconsin. Mark and I decided we definitely needed to start one of those theaters. :)

Oh, and I've been told a few times now that I have a Wisconsin accent. Really? What the heck is a "Wisconsin accent"?? I've never heard of that but I've been told several times I have an accent. Let me tell ya, it's the people here who have the accents. :) They sure talk weird. :)

Yesterday we went to a space center which was really neat for Mark. It was really neat to see his face....like a kid on Christmas and almost like seeing a classic car...almost. :) Today we went into a city that was damaged by a major storm. It was really sad to see all the damage still there. Really sad. But, I was glad we saw it as it really made me realize just how big the storm was and how lucky Mark and I were to not be in it. Tomorrow we'll be going with Mark's niece and the kids to a boardwalk.

The kids have been a blast. The middle one is such a snuggler and it's so much fun. The baby girl is soooo cute. We've come to realize that when she thinks she's in trouble, she "blows kisses". It's sooooo cute. :) The middle boy lost his tooth yesterday and we were asking him about how much money he was going to get. Then the oldest boy came up to Mark and I and said in a really low voice, "I know what the tooth fairy looks like. I'll describe her to you later when it's safe." It was pretty cute. Kids are just so adorable sometimes.

I still haven't met our "donor". She's had some illness in her house so it's been tough to get together. I sure hope we're able to. We're also trying to meet up with another NW girl and hopefully we'll be able to do that, too. :)

Anyway, thanks again for all the wonderful support and the nice words. It means a lot to me.

Reasons why donor won't work

I've gotten a few people questioning why the donor won't work. I'm really sorry I haven't explained it all. So, here it goes.

The original plan was to do a fresh cycle. The donor lives states away. So, in order to do this, we knew we'd have to travel a couple times which we were originally okay with. We got the initial appointment set up and everything. I got into trouble at work because I when I set this appointment, I used "unplanned PTO" and I've used too much with Mark being in the hospital and with me being sick. If it happens again, I get written up. I knew with the transfer, they could give me approximate dates. However, if that changes by 1-2 days and I have to change my days off, it would count as "unplanned PTO" and I would get written up. My job is too important for us to risk that, especially with Mark being on disability. We also found out that we would probably have to travel 3-4 times and that just wasn't feasible with work and Mark traveling. It's sooooo hard on Mark traveling.

So, we thought we would have our donor cycle where she was at and have the embryos frozen. We knew the chances were lower, but we knew God knew the future no matter what. I called my clinic to make sure this was okay and they didn't know. My doctor was out of the office until this week. They did have me talk to the donor coordinator at my clinic to see what our options were. I talked to her last Tuesday and gave her my thoughts and she said she would get back to me.

Let me tell you, Tuesday night and Wednesday morning I prayed so hard for the right answer to come. I kept telling God I couldn't take this anymore. I needed answers. I needed to know what to do next....make it an easy decision for me. I was so stressed out and I felt like I just couldn't handle anything anymore. I gave it to Him.

The next day I get a call from the donor coordinator again. She told me that freezing the embryos and having them shipped here was not an option. When she told me that, my heart sank. I was soooo disappointed. But, not long after that, I felt a sense of relief as God clearly gave me His answer. It wasn't meant to be with this donor. As much as I wanted it to work it, it wasn't meant to be. I was praising and thanking God so much for showing me His way, not my way. After all, that's what I wanted and that's what He did.

As hard as it was at first, it's been easier. Basically because I feel this is the way God wants us to go and I've said this whole time that I want to follow His path, not my path, and I feel this is the path we're meant to go on.

The interesting thing is, we still made the trip states away. I knew my doctor would back when we were gone and I knew he would call me on my cell. He called yesterday and talked to me for a good half hour. He told me that it would be an option to freeze and that my coordinator was misinformed.....interesting. We talked about the success rates and options and things. He was very helpful. Then, he said something I will never forget:

"Tammy, I want you to know that whatever you decide, I will support you. If you were my sister, I would tell you to do the fresh cycle if there is any way you can. You've been through enough and I don't want to see you hurt anymore. You went through a horrible ordeal with IVF. Our main focus is bringing you a baby and we want to give you that chance with the best success rate. But, whatever you decide, I will always be here and support you."

Of course I started crying. It meant the world to me.

So, technically I guess, it could still work if I really, really wanted to. But, I can tell you when my coordinator told me that they couldn't do a frozen cycle with the embryos, I knew God wanted us to go a different direction. It's hard to explain, but when you're a Christian, God can lead you and He definitely has for me. I had suspicions as I had contacted 2 lawyers who were very eager to write up contracts for us. Neither one called or e-mailed after I first talked to them. Lawyers don't do that. They want business and I had e-mailed and called 2-3 times and they never got back to me. It did make me wonder.

I know God has plans for me, plans for the good of me and not to harm me. And in my heart, I know we need to go a different direction. That's not to say I'm not terribly disappointed or depressed about it...I am. And this donor will always have a special place in my heart and I hope we'll always be friends. But, God comes first and He knows my needs and wants and knows the best for me. I trust Him. I know He knows what He's doing.

So, there ya go. :) I hope that answers some questions. I apologize for the confusion.

Update on donor egg IVF...need opinions!!!!

One thing I haven’t blogged too much about but I’ve gotten a lot of questions about it, is my donor egg IVF stuff. Some people would disagree about me being so open about it, but like I’ve said, I feel led to share my story in hopes that it will encourage someone else, either by encouraging them to donate eggs or not feeling as lonely if they have to use donor eggs. I know that lonely feeling all too well and it stinks.

I’m not going to give too many details as I want to protect all parties involved. But I want to also inform you guys, who have supported me from the beginning. Without your support and encouragement, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Mark and I have officially chosen an anonymous donor and we couldn’t be happier! It’s amazing how much this donor is absolutely perfect for us. She’s even better for us than I am. If it couldn’t be me, our donor would be our first pick by far.

At first, we had thought we wouldn’t want to see a picture of our donor or anything. However, we decided for the sake of our future child, we would like to get to know our donor. So, we have chosen to meet her. Of course, some would disagree with our choice, but we feel this is best for our family. So, next week, Mark and I will be meeting our donor angel! We will be out of town for a week. We’re excited, nervous, scared, you name it. But this is so important to us and we really want to do this.

We have a couple options here as to how to go about this and I would love any and all opinions.

1. We could do a fresh cycle where we would have to travel quite a bit. The success rate would be about 70%. Unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to have my doctor perform the transfer (the donor lives a little too far away from my clinic so we were referred to another clinic). Plus we’d have to stay in a hotel room or somewhere during bed rest, in a different setting and then travel a ways on the way home which would make me nervous in case that would affect implantation or something. This way would cost about $17,000 give or take plus meds.

2. We could have our donor cycle where she is at. Then have the embryos shipped to my clinic and I would undergo a frozen transfer. The success rate would be about 40%. I would be able to have my doctor do the transfer. I’d be in my own house for bed rest and wouldn’t have to travel as much. The thing I’m worried about is if there aren’t any to freeze….but then a fresh cycle probably wouldn’t have worked anyway, you know? The cost of this way would be about $13,000 give or take plus meds.

Of course, I may be missing something in the prices and I could be way off, but I think I’ve figured this out.

I know we wouldn’t be in this situation had we chosen a donor closer to our clinic. But, when they showed me this donor, I was sold. I can’t express how much I love our donor! She’s just absolutely perfect for us! And the fact that she’s willing to meet us is important to me and our future peanut (hopefully!) as I would love to share with our peanut more about the angel who brought him/her here (hopefully!).

I guess I’d rather be in the situation I am now than go with another donor. Yes, this donor is THAT important to me. She just jumped right out at us and we took it as a sign.

Okay, so I’d love your opinions. I’m going to turn on the anonymous so anyone who wants to give their opinions, please do! I would love to hear any and all please!

I have been tagged by onemorebaby and I haven’t forgotten!! I will do that tomorrow!!

THANK YOU in advance for your opinions and support!!

Letter to the babies

To our babies,

I can’t believe it’s been 2 months since you came into our lives and were welcomed into heaven. I can’t forget that I could be 2 months pregnant with you guys right now. I know there is a plan and God loves me very much but it doesn’t take the hurt away all the time and I think about you guys every day.

I miss doing the IVF. Others would think I was crazy for thinking that, but I do. I miss the shots. I miss the ultrasounds and seeing the follicles. I miss the burning and pain in my ovaries. I miss the feeling of bowling balls in my tummy. I miss the bloated feeling. I miss being so tired all the time. I miss the egg retrieval and waking up to your daddy with the biggest smile on his face telling me they retrieved 12 beautiful eggs. I miss it so much it hurts. I’d do it all over again and in a heartbeat if I could.

I know I’ve never been pregnant, but during this last IVF, I felt I was the closest to being pregnant. I got to feel you guys “grow” through all the burning, I got to see you guys on the ultrasounds, I had the bloating and tiredness and I had the feeling of sadness and excitement all at the same time after the retrieval when I knew you guys were no longer a part of me but knew life would forever change which I’ve heard is the feeling after giving birth.

I miss that so much, my sweet angels. I wish I could do it all over again. I wish I could feel you guys and see you guys just one more time. It seems so long ago and it seems so long before I get to see you guys again. I think about you guys every day and wish you were still a part of me.

I know you’ll have a great Christmas in heaven. I know you’re spending lots of time with your grandpa and your great-grandparents. Can you give them a hug for us and tell them we love them? I know they are taking good care of you and telling you stories about us. We hope they are all good stories. They are very special people to us and we’re so grateful they are with you.

Your daddy and I love you guys so much. Our hearts ache and hurt. We have comfort that God has a plan and His plans are for the good of us. But, that doesn’t take away all the pain. I’d give anything to have you guys in my tummy and be able to have you so close to me.

Please don’t forget me. I love you guys so much and there isn’t a day I don’t think about you. I wish things were different. I know some day I’ll know the reasons why and that gives me comfort to help ease the pain.

Merry Christmas babies. We love you.

Mommy and Daddy

More information about our appointment

Thank you so much everyone for your support. It's been a struggle to stay positive but your support and encouragement sure helps and for that we are grateful.

I wanted to give a little more information about the appointment and what was said. He said that my cycle went great. I had a great response, great amount of eggs retrieved, etc. Everything went great and the nurses thought of everyone in my cycle, my cycle looked most promising. The problem came with the fertilization and didn't divide and it was quite a shocker. Otherwise everything looked great.

They checked the lab that day and there were 3 other women's embryos in the incubator and those were fine so as far as they can tell, there wasn't a lab issue. If none of the eggs would have fertilized, they would have been more apt to blame the sperm, but the fact that they did have fertilization, it most likely is a problem with the eggs/ovaries.

I did ask about other women in this situation. He said that in his 30 years of doing this, he has seen probably about 6 cases with this situation where women tried again. 5 had the same result and 1 went onto have a successful pregnancy.

So, these are our options:
1. Try another IVF cycle with different medication protocol and do ICSI (where they actually inject the sperm into the eggs). He wasn't too optimistic this would be successful but it's a possibility. That would be around $12,000, depending on insurance coverage.
2. Try with donor eggs. This has a 70% success rate. This would be around $22,000 depending on insurance coverage.
3. Try with donor embryos. There is a waiting list for this of about 2 years. The success rate is about 40%. This would be about $4000 depending on insurance coverage because it would be with frozen embryos.
4. Adoption. Of course there is a waiting list with this and we were told several years ago that we may have a hard time with that with Mark's health.
5. Stop.

To be honest, adoption isn't in our hearts right now as I really want to carry and it's pretty important to me to do that. Yes, I want to be puking, bloating, tired, crabby, etc. Ask me in the eighth month and it might be different. :) But to be able to carry my child and feel my child inside me is something I really want to experience and I have a strong desire for that.

Plus, with Mark's health and the fact that I want him to be a daddy as much as possible, I'm not too keen on any waiting lists right now. Also, I want to have the best chance at a baby with Mark. I would like to try another round of IVF with my eggs to see, but financially and emotionally, that may not be possible and right now we want the best chance at having a baby together.

So, this means most likely donor eggs and that's what we're leaning towards. I know other people would agree or disagree and that's okay! We feel this is our best option and our best chance at getting a baby and our dream.

Right now, this is all still up in the air as we await to see what our insurance will cover next year and stuff and we ask for prayer as we are faced with these decisions. We want God to lead us in the direction He wants us to go as we want to follow Him. Please pray that if I'm not meant to be a mother that he take this desire away from me as the desire to be a mom is so strong for me right now.

Thank you to all for your support, love and prayers. It means a lot.

Our 4 sweet hearts

One of my friends, Pixie, was so sweet to go to www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com and request 4 hearts be written in the sand in honor of our babies. It means so much to us and I couldn't love a picture more. Thank you Pixie! You're so sweet. I needed this today.

Here is the link:

Our 4 sweet hearts

I have scrambled eggs

The appointment was a little discouraging today. He wasn't real optimistic about our chances again with my eggs. Even though the genetic testing came back normal, that was only one piece of the puzzle and he highly suspects a problem with my eggs/ovaries based on circumstances and CD3 labs.

So, most likely we're looking at donor.

I just can't believe it and I think I'm still in shock that I may never carry a baby with my genetics. It just doesn't seem fair. I don't understand and I'm struggling with why God would allow this to happen to us. He's got some serious answers to give us some day.

I'll write more later when I'm up to it. I want to say thanks to all of you for your support and prayers.

Talked to the doctor

Our doctor called today. I would like to say that I love my doctor and if anyone is looking for an RE in the Minneapolis/St. Paul, MN area, Dr. Malo is your man. He is the best. They knew I had an appointment next Monday, but when I talked to our first nurse, I was really upset. Another nurse called me on Friday to see how I was doing (how nice is that?). She could tell I was upset and told me she would see if Dr. Malo could call and talk to me earlier than our appointment. He called today. I thought that was so neat and really shows how much they care for the patients.

Anyway, he said that there are a couple reasons why this happened. My body may have been resistant to the medication protocol or I have ovaries that shoot out bad eggs....that was the way he explained it. The genetic testing came back fine but I guess that doesn't mean there still isn't an issue with my eggs. I was a bit confused about that, but I'll find out more at the appointment. If anyone can give more insight into that, that would be great.

He said we have 4 options:
1. Try again with a different medication protocol.
2. Try with donor eggs. However, this is very expensive and insurance will most likely not cover it. We may be changing insurance at the beginning of the year, so we'll see.
3. Donor embryos. With the donor embryos, there is a waiting list. It could be 6 months, 2 years or more, depending on the supply. We know all about lists. We were so lucky that Mark had a kidney donor because he would have been on a waiting list, so we know how hard that can be to wait for something you want so bad.
4. Stop.

I have to admit, when he said an option would be to stop, I started crying. Maybe that's a sign...I don't know. I really don't want to do that, but I want to follow God's will.

Right now, we have a lot of thinking to do and we don't want advice or someone telling us what they would do, etc. We just want prayers and support that the right answers will be provided for us. Thank you!

As promised, here is a picture of the ornaments we got in memory of our angels whom we know are in heaven right now and probably making a lot of noise and picking on each other. :) We love you guys so much and miss you

We got our results today

We found out I'm perfectly fine...there isn't a thing wrong with me.

I know "that's good news to know everything is fine".....but I'm really having a hard time with it. I've prayed for obvious answers as to where to go next. That's not what happened. The nurse told me that this was just "bad luck" and that out of all the women in my group, my situation looked the best and was the most hopeful and it was a shock to everyone. She also went onto say that another lady in my shoes had gotten pregnant the natural way a couple months later and not to give up hope.....yeah, like that's going to happen to us.

Right now, the nurse said they aren't sure what to tell me. That I'll have to talk to the doctor and see if he has any suggestions.

It's so frustrating to me. Believe it or not, I would've felt better having answers, knowing there is a reason. Instead, I feel like a loser because I can't even get pregnant with medical technology. What kind of a woman am I?

I'm just so frustrated right now. I don't know what we're going to do. We wanted clear answers and didn't get them. I can't go through all this heartache again if this is the result again. It hurts too much.

Seriously, I'm thinking of this as a sign from God that it's not the right time and that it's time to go on. Maybe I'm just supposed to spend my time with Mark and cherish the time I have with him. That's the path I'm leaning towards....but it hurts. I just can't believe it's come down to this.

Letter to the babies

**I know this is always a touchy subject. We believe once fertilization takes place, there is life. Some disagree and that's okay! Some may not believe we had 4 babies, but we do and what's important is what we believe.**

To our babies,

The day we started our IVF, I looked forward to knowing you were inside my tummy and hoping and praying that in 9 months you would be born healthy and happy.

I'm sad it didn't turn out that way we had hoped but I'm happy you guys are in heaven and safely sitting on Jesus' lap.

I don't regret doing the IVF at all. Your daddy and I loved going to the ultrasounds and watching those follies grow. We knew we were watching our babies grow. Every shot, bruise and all the side effects were worth being able to see you guys.

I regret that I didn't get more pictures at the ultrasounds. If I would have known those were the only pictures I would have of you guys, I would have had them print out as many as they could every time we went in.

I also regret that I was never able to have that feeling of knowing you guys were in my tummy. I never had the feeling of "being pregnant until proven otherwise". I really wish I could have had that chance and I'm sad that I wasn't able to. In some ways I feel like I failed you as your mommy because I wasn't able to get to that final step where you would know you were so loved and where you could feel the warmth of love from my tummy and heart.

I wish I could have done more. I feel like a bad mommy because I wasn't there to protect you. I feel like I should have driven down to the lab on Saturday when there was still a little hope. As your mommy, I feel I should have been there. I know there was nothing I could do, but as your mommy, I wanted to protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't do more. I hope you know how many people were praying for you guys. We have so many friends and family who love us. There was so much love around you guys that day.

Please know that even though we only had you guys in our lives for a few days, for those few days, we had so much hope and love and we couldn't stop thinking about you guys. We wouldn't give that up for anything.

I know one day we'll see each other again. I know Jesus is holding you tight in His arms until Daddy and I see you again. I know you guys are in the best hands you can be, but I'm jealous that Jesus gets to hold you before I do.

I know Jesus has a plan and I know you guys know that, too. Jesus has probably already shared it with you. I know you don't understand why I'm so sad when Jesus has such great plans for me. I know it's hard to understand. As much as I know it'll all work out for the best, I miss you guys and I really wish I could just hold you-just once.

I'd do this all over again if we had another chance. I'd do it in a heartbeat and I'd do as many shots as I needed to. I would just make sure I would get more pictures at the ultrasounds and I would ask more questions to the nurse during it so I could see you guys longer--just in case those were the only times we would get to know you.

There isn't a day your daddy and I don't think about you guys. Our hearts ache and we have never felt this kind of pain. We know you don't want us to be sad and it's hard to understand why we can be so sad when you guys are so happy. We are just hurting knowing we can't see or feel you every day. I guess you can say you have a selfish mommy and daddy.

Please watch over us our dear angels. Show us the way to go next. Please give us the strength to be able to carry on. We miss you and love you more than you can ever know and we can't wait to see you guys and hold you in our arms.

With all my love forever,
Mommy

"None of them divided"

I don't think I'll ever, ever forget those words as long as I live. I can't believe it's been a week. I thought I would be pregnant right now, just waiting to see if I would remain pregnant or not. Instead, I'm getting those lovely AF-like cramps and just waiting for her to show her stupid, ugly face.

On top of everything else, Mark had a really bad day yesterday. I was sitting at the kitchen table putting together some of the nice comments people made the last week into a journal (soooo many of you contributed to that, so thanks). Mark was in bed. All of a sudden, I heard a crash and a scream. I ran into the bedroom to find Mark on the ground. He had blacked out. He hasn't had a black-out episode in ages. He was really hurting and I was pretty worried but he insisted on not going in. His bones are very brittle from his meds and he has broken a wrist and hip before in a fall, so I was concerned.

Then, I wanted to run down to the library downtown to get a book. Reading is what keeps my mind busy so I've been reading a lot lately and I needed a new book. I knew it would only take a few minutes. I told Mark I'd be back and to wait to get up before I got home. I got home and came into the house to the sound of the answering machine on. I ran to catch the phone and heard just static....I knew then. I ran into my office to find Mark holding the phone in his hand and him on the ground again with the chairs tipped over. He blacked out again. I felt so horrible that I left. Yeah, I told him not to get up, but he thought it would be my sister on the phone and we had plans for the afternoon so he thought it would be important to answer it.

I felt so horrible for Mark. He hasn't had these episodes for a long time and he has to have 2 on the same day, 1 that I definitely could have prevented. After I had gotten Mark up and made sure he was okay, I just started bawling. I felt like a horrible wife, that I wasn't there to protect him. I told Mark that I was a horrible mother and wife, that I couldn't protect our babies or him. Of course, I know realistically that's not the case, that there was nothing I could do for the babies and with Mark, there wasn't much I could do. Plus, I can't just stay home all the time. But, I still feel guilty. That guilt feeling doesn't go away too easily.

Sometimes I wonder just how much we can handle. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I sure feel it's getting close. I hope if God makes this cross to bear any heavier, that he provides me with a stronger back to carry it.

A week ago....

A week ago, at 10:46 (yes, I had actually looked at the time), the phone rang and this was what I was told, "Well, only 4 fertilized, but they haven't divided and they definitely should have by now. It doesn't look good, but I'll check them out tomorrow and I'll call you."

That was the day our lives turned upside down.

Yesterday was a pretty depressing day for me. I had been given an assignment by my therapist to get as much information about embryo donation as I could. In doing this, I of course have found out a lot of information that I didn't know and my confidence was shattered. Like most of the time families choose you. My first thought was there is no way anybody would pick us with Mark's health. Then, I found out someone was denied the embryo donation program because they were single which to me is outrageous....but it got me thinking. With Mark's health, there would probably be a strong possibility that we would be denied for that.

Then, I looked on our clinic's website. The cost for a donor egg program is $20,000 without the meds and I know our insurance wouldn't pay for it. Then, I went onto read that an average of only 8% of transfers are cancelled. From the few women I've talked to who have had their transfers cancelled had some division, but they quit dividing. I had no division at all, so I figure our situation is very rare...probably closer to 1-2%. How could that have happened to us??? Why? Why us? Why are we in the 1-2%??

So, yesterday was pretty tough. Luckily, we were baby-sitting Peyton so I had to be strong. Otherwise, I don't think I could have. I just feel like the options are too out of reach for us, like we just can't do it. I feel like it's over. I know we don't know the results yet or what is wrong, but I'm the type that I like to be prepared for every situation.

I had 3 angels come into my life yesterday.

Angel #1: Mark knew something was bothering me. I didn't want to explain it all in front of Peyton, but finally I did. I couldn't stop crying. It was too overwhelming. Poor Peyton kept asking why Tammy was sad and kept giving me hugs around my legs....that was pretty sweet. At that moment, I looked out our window and the Fed-Ex guy was coming up the driveway. My first thought was great...what did we order now and how much is it going to hurt this time? In the package was 2 dozen roses from our dear friend, chocodaisy. They couldn't have come at a better time. The timing of them was amazing. Of course I started crying and Peyton said "Tammy, don't be sad, give me a kiss" and then put her little arms around my neck and gave me the biggest kiss. She was relieved when it was happy tears and not sad tears this time. Here is a picture of our roses. Thank you choco...we love you! You are an angel.


Angel #2: Not long after that, I got a call from a good friend of mine. She had recently been through a really tough time herself and I felt bad I hadn't been there for her. She had respectfully not called to see how I was doing but couldn't wait anymore. Immediately I lost it and just couldn't stop crying. She listened like a good friend would and then told me she had been giving it a lot of thought and if I needed an egg donor, she would be honored to donate her eggs to me. We talked quite a bit about it and by the end of the phone call, just to have someone be willing to do something like gave me peace and I needed to hear that. I know this person will be reading my blog. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you. You are an angel.

I would also like to acknowledge that another friend has offered to donate her eggs. I know she wants to remain anonymous and wouldn't want me to bring attention to it. But, I just wanted to say thank you to you also. That is an amazing gift and it means a lot. She is someone I've met on the internet....someone who has never seen my face, but knows our history and would be willing to give a huge gift. It's amazing to me. I love you sweetie!!

Angel #3: Peyton. I know if it weren't for her yesterday, the thought of staying in bed was pretty tempting. But, she showed how much she loved me and the fact that she "just wanted Tammy happy" gives her that angel glow. We love you sweetie. You're an angel. I know you would disagree and yell at me and say "I'M NOT AN ANGEL! I'M PEYTON!"....but you really are an angel.

I also talked to choco last night on the phone and she gave me some wonderful advice. Don't borrow trouble. We don't know what's going to happen, what the next step is or what will happen to us and just because it happened to someone else doesn't mean it'll happen to us. So true. Thanks sweetie. ((((HUGS)))

And one thought that popped into my head last night as I was trying to sleep. Remember that 1-2% we were in with the cancelled transfers? Well, we beat the odds then. Whatever we're faced with next, we can beat the odds again.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I have good moments and bad moments. One hour I'm good, the next hour is bad. I know I'll have tough times. I know I'll get through them, but it still hurts....like someone is squeezing the life out of me and it hurts to just breathe normally. When this pain get better?

Talk about a double whammy

Yesterday when the mailman came, I saw that there was something big sticking out of the mailbox. Thanks mailman for making it obvious we had a package...but, whatever. So, I went out and got the mail. This big package was some Precious Moments stick-ums we had purchased a week ago today for the nursery as a gift to us, before the worst weekend of our lives. What a wonderful reminder. I still haven't opened it, but will when I'm ready. They were so cute. :) Special thanks to onemorebaby for sending us that awesome website. :)

Then also in the mail came the receipt from our clinic for the $7100 we had put down for our IVF cycle. Nice. Lovely. I so needed to see that.

Oh, well.

By the way, our clinic has graciously agreed to give us a little refund. Probably not much as the only thing we didn't do was the transfer, but at least it's something.

Okay, so a good story here. This is something I've been thinking a lot about and another proof that God is working here.

On Friday, a week ago which was before we were told the transfer would be cancelled, I was watching the news on TV. They had a special on there about donor embryos. They showed a little bit about the IVF process, but most of it was about donor embryos. They interviewed a woman who had used donor embryos and they showed pictures and videos of her daughter. They were trying to get the word out about donor embryos. They said there are a lot of donor embryos out there frozen, just waiting to be used. They said they would rather have people use them than discard them.

At the time, this was the last thing I wanted to hear. I questioned God as to why He would let me see that. When we first did the IVF paperwork, we had chosen to donate our frozen embryos if we both died. When I saw this special, it really bothered me. I told Mark that even if we donated our embryos, our babies could still be "on ice" for years. That was really hard for me to hear. I had mistakenly thought that donated embryos was like donated organs, that there was a waiting list and a huge need.

It bothered me that night and I kept saying I wish I hadn't seen that.

I bet you know where this is going. :)

I realize now why God had me see that special. I realize the need for these babies, not the need for me. To see the pictures and videos of that girl was amazing to me now and I can still picture them. To know that it DOES work. To know that there are so many embryos who need a home. I feel God was speaking to me. At the time, I didn't know that and I was angry He chose for me to see that. Now, I'm so grateful He let me see that. Of course we don't know if this is the way we'll have to go, but that special opened my eyes to it and I'm more open to it than I thought I would be because of that special I saw.

What's more amazing is that I normally don't watch the news. I usually watch the half hour "Deal or No Deal"...which isn't nearly as good as the hour shows, by the way. But, this day, I was making supper in the kitchen and just felt lazy to go into the living room and change the channel (I know.....really lazy, huh? :)). Mark usually sits on the couch and watches TV while I make supper and takes care of the remote, but he was downstairs doing laundry (which is a miracle in itself :)).

Nothing panned out the way we meant it, but it panned out the way God meant it.

Thanks to everyone for your wonderful comments yesterday on my post. You guys are so special. :)

What we should be doing

At this point, Mark should be getting up, barely awake to take his toast and pills, me being very annoying and taking pictures of him in his semi-coma state, wishing he was back in bed but secretly happy at the same time.

I should be taking another shot, putting on my "Baby on Board" shirt I got from Michelle because I knew today I would have a baby in my tummy no matter what the outcome, having Mark take a picture of me in my shirt and me being annoying and dancing around, doing the hula and repeating "I'm going to be a mommy!"

We should be waiting for my mom and Peyton to pick us up and again taking annoying pictures of all of us while everyone else is sick of that stupid camera.

I should be crying tears of joy. Instead, I'm crying tears of sadness.

Instead of talking about putting embryos in me, I'm talking about using donor eggs or embryos.

Huh? How could things change so fast?

I know there's a reason and I do believe that. I also know I'll be okay. I'll get through this. Like a poem my mom sent "Think of the last worst thing you've ever been through. Know you did get through that and know that you will get through this too." And I know I will. It just takes time. I already slept better last night and although I haven't showered since Sunday (when I'm depressed, I don't care about hygiene), I have thought about it which is a big step.

I will get better....soon the posts will be more uplifting. Thanks for coming to my pity party and don't forget to grab your coat on the way out. It's a bit chilly.

Thanks again to all of you for your support. I truly love you all! (((HUGS)))

Shannie, can I get an invite to your blog? My email is in my profile. Thanks sweetie!

Talked to the doctor

Our doctor called today and the first thing he said was "This is a disaster". Of course, that wasn't what I needed to hear and the tears just flowed. He said this is very uncommon and, although he has seen it before, I am the first this year and he sees a lot of patients. He was very, very compassionate and apologized several times for not "being there for me" (he was out of town last week).

Basically because of the sperm situation....that I don't wish to go into detail here....chances are there is a problem with my eggs. I have to undergo some genetic testing that I won't know the results about for about a month. If we do decide to do IVF again, the soonest we would be able to do it would be January.

ICSI (where they insert the sperm directly into the egg) probably wouldn't have helped. I probably would've had more fertilize, but the fact that they didn't divide means there is something seriously wrong. We will be checking on the sperm, but most likely it's me.

The fact that I responded so well to the meds, had a good number of eggs retrieved and a good number of mature ones (9), leads more to the fact that there was something wrong with my eggs where only 4 fertilize but won't go anywhere. Based on stats, more than 4 should've fertilized anyway.

This could explain why some months I felt something happen but it was a BFN. It could be fertilizing, but not going anywhere beyond that. I always felt there was a reason...just didn't want to hear this.

Why us? Why did we have to get this road block? I'm 32 years old! I'm young...my eggs should be fine.