Hannah had her newborn session today and she did amazing!! She only cried at the very end because she was hungry and after I fed her a little, she was back to being amazing. I'm so proud of her!
I was able to get a sneak peek of some of the pictures.
Here they are! Isn't she beautiful? I'll be uploading more pictures of her birth soon.
I have to apologize for not getting on here earlier. I've been so caught up with our daughter and soooo much in love with her that I'm cherishing every minute with her.
And also our wireless went out so the only way to go online is in our office which is inconvenient. :(
Needless to say, I haven't been on the computer much so I haven't been able to blog at all or check blogs. Life sure is different with a newborn! It's aoooo amazing.
For those who don't know, Hannah was born December 20, 2011 at 4:41 p.m. She was 6 lb 8 oz and 18 inches long. Just a tiny thing. :) She is soooo perfect and it's amazing to me how many people say she looks just like Mark. :)
She is definitely a night owl. We bond a lot at night. If anyone has any tricks to get her to switch over, I'm all ears. :)
I'm soooo bummed but the blogger isn't letting me download pics right now. :( I've tried 3 times and it's not working. :( I'll try again later.
Thank you so much for all your supportive words and encouragement. It means a lot to me and helps me realize that I'm normal. Thank you so much!!
It's so hard to believe that we leave for Utah in just a couple days. Wow! Yes, the urge to puke is still there. I'm very happy and excited and can't believe this day is finally here after so long! It doesn't seem real. But, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't very nervous.
We talked to the birthmom on Wednesday and she is 1.5 cm dilated and 50% effaced right now! I hope she holds out until we get there.
We've also been very busy getting ready for the benefit, very busy. So much to do. But, we've been so overwhelmed at all the support we've gotten and how much people have come together to help us. It's just so amazing to us.
Otherwise, mostly we've been getting ready for things to happen! Wow. It still doesn't feel real at all. I mean, in a week, I'll be holding my daughter. My daughter. Wow.
I'm not sure how much I'll be able to update my blog in the next couple weeks. I will make sure our FB page will be updated. Here is that site: Hannah's Coming Home
I have a couple friends who will be updating with updates and pictures as able. I'm not sure how much internet access I will have or how much time but will update personally when I can. :)
Thank you again for all your love and support and prayers. We would so appreciate all the prayers during this time. Thank you! Love to all!
Oh and if I don't get on to mention it before the day, Merry Christmas!!!
I feel like I’m ready to puke.
I am very happy, very excited and I know what a miracle this is. I really do.
But, I’m so nervous about everything that, yes, indeed, I feel like I’m gonna puke.
We’re going to be meeting the birthmom, the woman who is giving us the most precious gift you could ever imagine. I’ll be in the delivery room, something I’ve never done before (but VERY happy I get that opportunity). We’ll be staying in Utah for over a week after the baby is discharged, not in the comfort of our own home. We’ll be flying with a newborn and it’s nerve-racking enough flying with Mark.
And of course I’m nervous about overall being a good mother. Will I mess up? Is she going to be okay with me as her mom? How will I know if she’s hungry?, etc. Yeah, I know, these are all the “normal” mom-to-be fears but as the days get closer and closer, I think about them more and more.
Right now, unless she goes earlier, she will be induced on the 20th. We’ll be leaving for Utah on the 18th.
It’s an exciting, amazing time, a true miracle.
And I’m so nervous.
We talked to the birthmom on Friday. You can tell she's in a lot of pain...a lot of pain. She's having contractions and really bad low back pain. I felt so bad for her when we were talking to her.
She sees the doctor on Tuesday again. She's hoping to set an induction date. I guess the earliest they will do it is a week before she's due so we're hoping Dec 20 but we'll see what the doctor says on Tuesday.
What's truly amazing is that we had told our social worker that my mom would be there and so before the conference call she told Lois to see how she felt about my mom being at the hospital. Get this...she says it's okay for my mom to be in the delivery room!! Isn't that awesome?? The birthmom said this is our special day and our time and she says whoever we want in the delivery room is just fine and she's very open.
She is so sweet. I just love her. I've always wanted my mom in the delivery room when I had my first child and she will be. :) Not the way I imagined but I still get my wish. :)
I know I say it all the time but we really are truly blessed.
Birthmom saw doc on Tues. She's measuring 36 weeks, baby is down and she's 1 cm dilated. We were supposed to have a conference call the last 2 days but she hasn't been feeling well so we've had to reschedule a couple times.
So, votes?? When do you guys think? :)
I've been crazy busy lately. I'm still working 55 hours a week, coaching 10-15 hours a week, getting all the paperwork and documents for stuff, getting the nursery ready and also getting ready for the benefit and asking for donations, etc.
I told Mark I'm exhausted and the baby isn't even here yet. :)
Wow. So much to do....it's crazy.
On an off topic note, today is Mark's and my "second" anniversary. When we got married in 2001, we were originally going to get married on Dec 1 but because of Mark being so sick, we moved it up to May 5. But, we still celebrate our anniversary on Dec 1.
So I have send a shout-out to my best friend and the father of our children, 10 angels and our Hannah Dawn. Happy anniversary sweetie. I love you!!
Our dearest Hannah Banana,
I can’t believe in a few short weeks you’ll be here. We’ve waited 8 long years for you to come. You have at least 10 brothers and sisters in heaven. We’ve been through such a roller coaster of emotions and so much sadness in the last 8 years.
But you know what? I know the minute I see your face, I’ll know it was all worth it. Like someone said, those 8 years will seem like 8 seconds. I can’t wait to look into your eyes, hear your first cry, hold you so close and whisper to you that I’m your mommy. I can’t wait to see your first smile, even if it is just gas. I can’t wait to tell you how much you’re loved.
Do you know how much people have done for you? So many people love you already. You’re the luckiest little girl in the whole world. Everyone has supported us so much to help bring you home. So many people have given to us and it is overwhelming. God has blessed us tremendously. You have shown so many the power of God and the power of miracles. You are the most faithful angel and I’m so proud to be your mommy. My heart is glowing with pride.
I can’t wait to share with you how special your birthmother is. We’ve talked to her and we are so grateful to her and we know she loves you so much. I know this is a hard time for her and she is very special to do such a wonderful thing for both you and us. She will always have a special place in our hearts and I know she will have a special place in your heart too.
I know I won’t be the perfect mother. I know I’ll make a ton of mistakes. I know there will be days that I’ll be exhausted. But I also know you won’t have a mommy who loves you more than I do. I know I would give up my life for you and will always be there for you. I think of you every moment of every day. I’m constantly praying for you and your birthmother.
I can’t wait to share with you our journey to bring you home. All the letters I wrote to you and your siblings, the wonderful words people have said, the miracles that God has shown and all about your siblings. Did you know that if your siblings didn’t die in my tummy this year, they would be coming about the same time you’re coming? You have siblings the exact same age in heaven! I can’t wait until we’re all a family together some day.
I love you sweetie. I love you so much more than I ever thought I could. You’ve already brought me so much joy and happiness. You’ve shown me how much people love me and how blessed I am to have the friends and family I do. What a tremendous gift you’ve already given to both your daddy and me.
I can’t wait to meet you and see your perfect self. Until then, I’m only a prayer and thought away.
Love,
Mommy
I have been so busy.
Just when I think I'm just about caught up, I get a call or an email with more paperwork. It seems the paperwork never ends.
But it's a good thing. :)
I just feel bad because I'm too busy to check blogs or blog or anything on here. But I haven't forgotten about you guys. :)
I had Monday and Tuesday off work so we were busy with paperwork and then getting the nursery ready. We picked out curtains so my mom will be making those. :) That was fun.
We've got the baby's suitcase packed, at least I think we do. I'm hoping I'm not forgetting anything.
We have a packing list for the 2 of us so we're ready to go if needed.
Our church is also having a fundraiser so we've been very busy with that. I've printed out some blog posts that my cousin requested and added some pages to our "Our Peanut Travels" book and I'm also working on a video to show at the benefit so I've been busy with that. That's been emotional, I have to admit. It's tough to relive and yet it's a good ending and such a testimony to God that I'm grateful to be a part of that.
And I did find out that our local paper will be running a story on us! Woohoo! I'm excited for that.
So, lots of things happening and lots going on. I wish I could be around more and I'm trying! I'm hoping to get caught up on blogs soon.
Love ya all! Thank you so much for the love and support.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!!!
Here are links to fundraisers, all in one place. :)
Thank you all so much for all your support!!!
Coffee ($5 from every bag sold is donated to our adoption fund)
Beef jerky (50% of retail sales for the next week are donated to our adoption fund)
Scrapbooking and stamping supplies (50% of sales for the next week are donated to our adoption fund)
Photography (50% of sales for the next week are donated to our adoption fund)
Our church is also holding a fundraiser for us on December 17. If any of you have ideas or are in the area and would love to help, please let me know!
I'm in awe at how much support we have and how generous people have been. We are so blessed and God has really been there for us. It's so amazing.
Please see the post I posted earlier today!
I have another friend, Kate, who has a website of scrapbooking and stamping supplies who will donate 50% of the sales towards our adoption.
Please check this out too!!
Here is the website: MyCTMH
Thank you soooo much!!!!
I have a friend, Amy, who I have known for years. I originally met her in the NW board years ago.
She has recently started a photography business and an Etsy shop. And through November 24, she is offering to donate 50% of her sales to our adoption.
Holy cow you guys! This is sooooo cool! This could be huge for both of us!! You can help out 2 people at the same time. :)
Here is her Etsy shop: Etsy
Here is her website: Website
Here is her Facebook page: Facebook
Here is some more information about her business:
1. Just about any print that is listed in her shop can be made into various sizes, so if someone wants one but wants a different size than is listed, we can do that. You just need to contact Amy through Etsy and she will create a listing for them.
2. The prints can also be printed on canvas of various sizes. You don't have to just purchase a "print". If you wants the print put on a canvas, we can make that happen as well. You just need to contact Amy through Etsy and she will create a listing for them.
Remember that Christmas is coming. :) Lots of people love pictures and love to decorate with them so this would be perfect!
If you mention this on your blog, let me know! I will send you our first picture together as a family of 3! Of course you won't get it until the baby comes but you will be on our list for sure.
Thank you again all for your support!! It means so much!!
I'm sitting here in awe at the wonder of my family and friends. Seriously. Just when I think people couldn't be more generous and loving, you guys are there for us even more. I wish I could thank you all and give you all the biggest hugs. We are so blessed.
For those who follow me on FB, you know the conference call went very well. :) I wanted to document it here.
First, I have to say, I was so nervous. I had a hard time eating, talking, etc. I was so ready to upchuck.
But, when they called, the social worker talked to us first and told us this wasn't a call to see if we were the family, we were definitely the family. The birthmom (we'll call her "L") didn't want anyone else.
Then she put L on. I asked her how she was doing and she kind of laughed and said she was definitely pregnant. We had been told by the social worker already that she was "huge" and ready to be done. :)
Then she asked if we had any questions for her. I told her I didn't but I had something I wanted to say to her. I don't know exactly what I said but I told her that I was so sorry she was going through this. We knew what an enormous sacrifice she was making and that we couldn't imagine how difficult this was for her. I told her I knew she had been throught a lot and I was sorry about everything she had been through. I told her I couldn't tell her enough how thankful I was and how much we appreciated her picking us. I told her she wasn't alone and that we were there for her.
We were both in tears. I remember whispering "thank you" a few times and she whispered back "you're welcome".
We all talked a little more. She was worried about going into labor early and was worried we'd miss it. We told her nothing would keep us away and we would definitely be there and they were going to keep us in the loop for sure.
She wants us in the delivery room for sure which we are really looking forward to. She's so scared of being there alone and I ensured her I would be right there holding her hand....as long as she doesn't break it when she's in labor. :)
She only wants pictures every other year and she also has a letter she wants us to give to the baby when she's old enough to understand. I don't know what's in the letter, but she said it was a letter she wants her to have and it explains why she did what she did. Honestly, that just warms my heart so much. I absolutely cannot wait to tell our daughter how much she's loved and that her birthmom loved her that much.
L sees the doctor on the 29th and so we'll be doing another conference call then. If something happens before then, they'll be calling us right away obviously.
We did talk to the social worker after and she said it went extremely well. She said she was fighting back tears. She said I was so sweet. I was only speaking from my heart. :)
She also said if she were to adopt from anyone, it would definitely be from L. She said we're a great match. :)
Things are falling into place so much. I just can't believe it! We found a place to stay in UT only 20 min away from the hospital. She's someone we met on the NW boards years ago and she offered her place! How amazing is that? :) That will save us money and that is soooo helpful.
We are so blessed.
By the way, did you see I changed the picture on top? :) Michelle Alessi did that for us....I LOVE it! And the verse is words from Hannah from the Bible who we are naming our daughter after as she struggled with infertility. That makes it that much more special. Thank you Michelle!
This day has been such a huge whirlwind as you can imagine! So many phone calls, emails, etc. I apologize for not coming back here before now, but it's been crazy!
I want to thank you all for your wonderful comments and support and love. It truly means so much to us! There have been so many and I hope to respond soon!
Here's the story:
About a month ago we had inquired about 2 situations that were on the agency’s website: Situation B and L. Unfortunately, situation L was about $10,000 over budget so we requested not to have our profile submitted but we said we wanted to have our profile submitted to situation B.
Fast forward to yesterday and we get an email from our agency saying there is a situation where the birthmom is due 11/11/11 (yes, today!). We asked to have our profile submitted.
When I got back from gymnastics, I had an email saying that “L likes us” and gave us contact info. I was confused. I knew a month ago we had asked about an “L situation” but knew it was over budget and we declined it. I thought maybe perhaps this birthmom we had just submitted to had the same name.
When I called the agency, she told us she had good news and that L loved us and really wanted us. I asked if this was the one due 11/11/11 to which I was told no and that L was due the end of December.
I was literally dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to say. Shocked is an understatement. My first thought was how in the world could this happen? We didn’t even submit. Then I started worrying about the money as I knew this was $10,000 over budget.
Then I was completely and totally amazed at the sincere power of God.
Only God could let this happen and only God knew this would.
We were told this “never happens” and it was a surprise. We’re still trying to figure out what happened and of course worried about where this $10,000 will come from but we also know this is our daughter. God has meant for this to be our daughter.
What are the chances?
Yes, THE CALL!
Last night we got a call saying we were matched for a little girl due 12/30/11.
I'll give more details very soon! I want to type it all out but couldn't wait another minute without updating! But, it's a FABULOUS story and I can't wait to spell it all out.
If you know me on FB, please don't say anything yet! We need to tell certain people before. :)
Holy cowzers!
Thank you all for your comments, emails, texts, etc. lately. You don't know how much I've needed to hear them.
Last Tuesday night, we got a call from one of our agencies. We wanted to submit our profile to a situation through one of their partner agencies. However, their partner agency was "concerned with our ability to parent" because of Mark's health issues and the fact that I was in therapy. They also were very concerned as to how we were going to afford an adoption being our income was low.
Now I know they are just doing their job but I was so discouraged. Mostly because this had all been covered in our home study. It was all written in there and covered so I was a little upset that we had to cover this a-g-a-i-n.
And I'm in therapy because of infertility. Heaven forbid someone struggling to have a baby want to have support. And again, this was in our home study. Yet, they still wanted letters from Mark's doctor and my therapist.
But I think what really got me the most was the whole income thing. We are both working so hard to earn and raise money. You all know how much I've been working and coaching and Mark's been doing all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. We don't get much alone time but we realize this is a sacrifice we need to make at this point for our family. Yeah, I work from home, but I work. I see Mark at breakfast and lunch and that's about it except for a few passings once in awhile. I am grateful I work from home so we at least have that much.
We know we don't make much but we also know we're very smart about our finances and careful about saving money where we can. I won't go into it all here, just trust me. :) I've always been that way where I manage my money pretty well. In fact, I was able to buy a house my senior year in college with no student or car loans, just the mortgage loan, and that's something I'm very proud of.
And deep down I know if it's meant to be, it'll happen and the finances will be covered.
It's just hard when someone doubts you and you feel like all your hard work is for nothing. You start doubting if this is something you really can do and on top of that, doubting yourselves as parents.
It takes a big hit to your self-esteem.
So for those who took the time to comment or email a word of encouragement or to tell me we were doing a good job, working hard, etc., it meant more to me than you could imagine. It's what I needed and still need to hear. Although I'm better, I still find myself a little down and doubting myself but thanks to the support I get it does make me feel better, so thank you. :)
I have so many blog posts swimming in my head and so many pictures I want to share. They’ll be coming. I just don’t seem to have any time right now.
I wanted to give you all a little update on our adoption journey.
We’ve been officially “waiting” for 3 months now. That doesn’t even seem possible. We’ve submitted to a total of 7 situations so far. We’re still waiting to hear from 2 situations. I gotta tell ya though, I’m really getting used to the “I’m sorry” calls. I honestly don’t expect anything else. We check out situations every day on our agencies’ websites and we know every day brings new possibilities and new hope.
We are now up to about $8500 in our peanut fund which is very exciting for us! We couldn’t have done it without the help and support of all our family and friends, so thank you!! Our goal is $40,000 which is the cost of the adoption. We still haven’t been approved for any grants but we’re still hopeful and praying we’ll get one at least. It would help so much.
We’re raising lots of money ourselves and working extra hard. We’ve been doing toy/craft shows almost every weekend to earn more money for our peanut fund.
I’ve also been working about 15 hours of overtime a week and I’m coaching gymnastics 6 days (yes, 6) a week. I have to admit, I’m exhausted. And yes, I know, I’m getting prepared for motherhood. :) Right now, Mark and I would do anything for our peanut and we realize that this is what we have to do to bring our peanut home so we’re willing to do it. I’m basically working from 5 in the morning until 8 at night every day and 5 until 12 on Saturdays with shows on Sundays. I am glad I work from home and I’m home during the day or I’d really feel bad about not being around Mark.
But once that peanut comes home, I won’t be working any overtime and will be cutting down a lot on the gymnastics. The peanut time is the most important time and our #1 priority. That’s what keeps me going and gives me strength.
Thanks again for your support and love and hanging in there with us! We couldn’t be here without you guys!!
I know, there is no way I could even begin to understand what a birthmother goes through and I honestly can’t even begin to fathom what it’s like to give up your child.
But, I’ve been trying to get a glimpse of what they go through.
Last January when we chose our embryos, we were given a total of 14 profiles of embryos to choose from. We were told we had 2 weeks to decide our top 3, from there we would be given our top choice depending on which sets were still available. At first I thought 2 weeks was a long time and I didn’t think too much of that.
But when those 14 profiles came in the mail and we started looking through them, I thought 2 weeks was waaaay too short of a time to choose. I didn’t know how in the world we were going to choose at all, let alone in 2 weeks. I mean, these embryos were children. How could you choose between 1 child and another? It didn’t seem possible.
I remember telling Mark that I just couldn’t do it. So, we took all the emotion out of it (or as much as we could) and decided that we would take away the “most risk” embryos, the ones that would have the most risk of giving the child a serious illness. We didn’t know how we would deal with that. Of course if it happened, we would do anything for our child, but we didn’t want to purposely put ourselves in that situation given Mark's history and the situation we were already in.
We took out 2 profiles...two.
So then we were down to 12 profiles. All of them really were fine. Of course, they weren’t perfect but all of them had good qualities and I didn’t want to take out any of them.
We gave the profiles to our RE so he could give us his best medical advice as to the ones with the best chances. In the meantime, after sooooo much thought and consideration, stress, praying, etc., we chose our top 5 and waited to hear from our RE.
4 of his top 5 were our bottom 5...seriously???? I wanted to cry.
At the end of the 2 weeks, we did submit our “top 3” but it was one of the hardest decisions of our lives. It was hard to pick a set of children above another set. After all, a child is a child.
When I think about what these birthmothers go through, I often think about when we had to choose our embryos. From what I’ve been told, these birthmothers are given 4-5 profiles of parents. These are parents they have to choose from to raise their child. I can’t imagine there are too many birthmothers who think these parents are “horrible”. I’m sure they look at all or most of them and think these are good people....people who deserve to have a child and no one is more deserving than the other.
I’m sure they have some of the same thoughts as I do....how in the world do I choose?
In so many ways, I feel so much for these birthmothers....I really do. They have such a tough decision and in many situations, they don’t have much time to choose at all. In a couple situations, we were told the next day that the birthmother had chosen another family....that’s 24 hours. I was stressing out when we had 2 WEEKS to choose.
I’m not saying we’re a “perfect” couple by any means. I’m sure there are a few birthmothers who look at our profile and toss it out right away and don’t look at us twice...but I’m also sure there have been a few who have seriously thought of us as the parents of their child and it was a really tough decision.
I just honestly can’t fathom what a big decision they have to make and in so many ways, I’m grateful I’m on this end of it and not their end. After the decision we had to make with the embryos, I can’t imagine making that kind of a decision again.
So, please keep the birthmothers in your thoughts and prayers. They go through so much.
I want to thank you all soooo much for your support and letting me know I'm not alone. It means so much to me. Sometimes I feel like a terrible, selfish Christian when I feel some of the things I do. And yet, I want to write it out and be completely honest in hopes of maybe helping someone else.
So to know that I'm "normal", it means so much to me. Thank you for reaching out and helping. So many of you said some wonderful things that really touched my heart.
Thank you.
I also wanted to send out a shout out to Marcie and Nic. For some reason, I'm not able to comment on your blogs. :( I'm not sure why. I wanted you to know that I'm reading faithfully and praying for you guys, especially you, Nic, as I know you've suffered yet another loss. How devastating. My heart just breaks for you.
Love you all. Thanks again for being the friends you are. You make this journey a lot less lonely, thanks.
((HUGS))
Whenever Peyton and Tyler start crabbing about stuff, we always ask them if they would like us to call people to invite them to their pity party. So, I guess here I am, like one of the kids, having my pity party.
Right now, I'm rather frustrated and I admit, a little angry...okay, maybe a lot angry.
On the last day of our vacation (in which we had a blast and I'll be sharing pics soon :)), I checked our agencies' websites to check for available situations. All week there hadn't been any but lo and behold, Friday night, our last night of vacation, there was a situation, a perfect situation for us.
So I called and left a message asking questions. 4 hours later I left another message. No one ever got back to us. The next day before we left, I checked again and the situation was still available. Called again, no answer. Called a couple hours later, left a message. After the 4-hour drive back home and literally holding onto my cell phone the whole drive, we got home and I literally went straight to the computer to check. The situation was no longer available.
At first I was soooo mad. So angry. I had left 3 messages and no one called us. We finally did get a call at 8 that night. Apparently the mother had gone into labor that day and they needed a local family asap. So much had gone on that day that they couldn't get back to us before long.
That was the short story.....yeah, that's right, short.
Anyway, while this was happening Saturday, I also checked the blogs I follow. I hadn't checked any blogs all week when we were on vacation. I need a break from everything.
Anyway, it turns out a fellow blogger who was also adopting had to turn down a situation because she all of a sudden finds out she's pregnant.
Now, I want to emphasize that I'm very, very happy for her....so happy. NOTHING makes me happier than seeing an infertile have a surprise pregnancy.
At the same time, there's a feeling of sadness and loneliness. I remember when I got pregnant last spring, I got a couple emails from people saying that they were soooo happy for me and yet they were sad for them because I had given them the strength to keep going....that I was still in the same boat as them and they didn't feel so lonely. Now that I was pregnant and "moving on", they no longer felt that strength, they felt alone and even though they were so happy for me, they felt sad for them and that they had nobody.
Wow, do I get that.
Okay, back to this other blogger. Again, I'm very happy for her. So thrilled for her. At the same time, it's like Really God?
Why in the world can't I catch a break like that?
You give us the perfect situation we've been praying for only to have that taken away.
You know I can't get pregnant on my own. Not only have I been told that with my scrambled eggs, I have a less than 2% of getting pregnant on my own....but add in Mark's issues, we're probably down to about a 0.000000000000000002% chance.
Yeah, it won't happen (and please don't say "you never know"....yeah, I definitely know).
I mean, I can't even get pregnant or stay pregnant with "perfect" embryos that have been proven.
So, sometimes I have to just sit here and wonder what God is thinking.
Oh, I know He loves me, it's in His time, I know all that. I know His plans work out for the good of me. I know He doesn't want me to suffer. I know He's given me so much more than I deserve.
I also know I'm hurting. I watch others catch that break and I just wanna know why I can't catch one too.
Okay, that's the end of my pity party. Thank you for coming!
I've gotten quite a few emails from people wondering if I'm ok and what's going on.
We're on vacation! My parents own a timeshare in the Dells so we're there with the whole fam and having a good time. I promise to catch up on blogs and emails when I get back.
Thanks for the emails and caring so much. ((HUGS))
Now before I get comments about how I’m “depressed” or need help or something, I want to say that I am very happy and I have a wonderful life. I’m extremely blessed with many wonderful, amazing opportunities, friends, family and kids in my life. I have so much to be thankful for.
I laugh, I smile, I joke. I am happy.
But, if I’m being honest, I’m also sad.
Getting the nursery ready used to be an exciting time. Now, being in there reminds me that we are getting ready for a baby coming sometime in the future, not coming in a couple months. It reminds me of the babies we lost as I would be about 7 months pregnant right now.
And I’m sad.
I hear about the women 7 months along listening to their baby’s heartbeats, seeing pictures of their bellies, hearing about their checkups and ultrasounds, etc. I walk by our memory garden and know they are there, buried in the ground, not inside me.
And I’m sad.
I hear about people talking about the new amazing gadget they just bought, the new iPhone, new big screen TV, etc. and I’m working many overtime hours and coaching gymnastics to raise money for adoption and we still need at least $30,000. All my hard work is just a drop in the bucket....all while getting by with the cheapest cell phone and plan possible and the bare minimal TV channels with no TiVo/DVR (I know, gasp!)
It makes me sad that we have to work so hard for something that others don’t.
I feel forgotten or left behind and it makes me sad.
I’ve heard from so, so many people that this will all be worth it. That when I have my baby in my arms, I will know this is my baby, that all this was worth every second of pain, that everything will make sense, that all of this pain will be a distant memory. And I believe that with all my heart, 100%. I really do.
But, I don’t have the baby in my arms yet. I’m still waiting to see the “end result”, what we’ve been working so hard for. Now, it just seems we’re working so hard for empty arms.
It makes me so sad.
I recently received a message from someone who told me I should focus on Mark rather than focus on having a baby with him. This person has had to deal with I believe one of the hardest hardships someone can deal with, the loss of a spouse. While I can’t imagine what she’s going through, I know she doesn’t know what I’m going through as she doesn’t know me in real life. Taking that into mind, I did feel I needed to explain my life in case others felt the same.
First, I’d like to emphasize that having a baby is our dream, not just my dream. Granted, yes, Mark is older and has some health issues and if he were single, he would not be pursuing adoption. However, he wants to have a baby with me just as much as I want to have a baby with him. And he’s always wanted a daughter. When we got married, my brother sang “Butterfly Kisses” at our wedding and shortly after that, my dad gave me a “Butterfly Kisses” book. I’ll never forget when we were reading that together, Mark got tears in his eyes and said how much he wanted a daughter and butterfly kisses. It was then our dream was realized, that we wanted to have a daughter together. I have to say, though, that we would be honored to have a boy, too. Boys rock! :)
As far as focusing on Mark, he is by far my number 1 priority. My life resolves around him and his needs and I don’t mind at all. I’m with him all the time. I work from home and he’s disabled so he’s also at home. We eat all meals together. When he’s in the hospital, I’m right there. In our 10 years of marriage, I have never spent one night away from him, not one. I spend the night in the hospital in his room when he's there. I’ve cancelled outings with friends, stayed home from church, etc. when Mark has a bad day. On weekends when he wants to lay down, I lay down with him. I go to bed when he goes to bed, even if I'm not tired. I wake up early to work overtime when he’s sleeping and won’t work past 3:30 in the afternoon because he’s awake and I want to spend time with him. Spending time with him is the top priority for me.
Yeah, I coach gymnastics a couple times a week but it’s at the school just a few blocks away and I have the cell phone with me and he knows how to get a hold of me. I drive there even when I could walk just in case he needs me and I need to go home right away. I do feel guilty sometimes about coaching and being away from him but I also believe because I work from home and I’m with Mark all the time, it is healthy for me to get out once in awhile, doing something I love, and spending some time for “me”. And if Mark isn’t feeling well, I have no problem calling and telling the head coach I won’t be in and she’s so supportive about that. I used to coach at a gym 30 minutes away and I stopped doing that because I would get too nervous leaving Mark for that long and now I stick to just coaching at the school.
This next part isn’t easy for me to type out but I want to.
If Mark were to pass away today, I have absolutely no regrets. I don’t regret trying to have a baby with Mark. I don’t regret the time I have spent coaching gymnastics. I don’t regret cancelling on friends or staying home from church because Mark isn’t feeling well. I know God understands. I don’t regret laying down with Mark for a few hours in the afternoon even when I’m not tired. I don’t regret anything about my life if Mark were to pass away. I feel I’ve given 100% to him and focused on him.
And I know we’ve had all the “tough” talks. I’m not going to put them down here because I think some talks are meant to be between a husband and a wife, but I can say that we’ve said everything we’ve needed/wanted to say. I know without a doubt that I’ve said everything I’ve ever wanted to say to Mark if we were to be separated.
And the best part is, I know we have 10 children in heaven waiting for us, and a high likelihood that we have our daughter together! And I also know that our life in heaven is the life that “really matters”. Having a baby together here on Earth is just “icing on the cake”.
Trying to have a baby together admittedly has been a huge rollercoaster and we’ve been through so much together. However, I believe that drive and the dream has kept Mark STRONGER and gives him strength and hope to keep going. I have also heard that from other people. He loves kids so much. Not many people see the joy in Mark’s eyes when he’s around our nieces and nephews. Even when he was so sick last Thursday, he kept repeating “I don’t want to give up our Jamie day” as we usually have Jamie on Fridays. He absolutely loves playing with that boy. And he misses his Peyton days on Wednesdays so much. His eyes light up just listening to their voices on the phone and just talking about them, he smiles so much. Those kids make him feel and look 20 years younger.
Why take that away from him and “focus” on him?
And throughout our infertility journey, we have never gone through a door without God opening it first. We’ve never gone “our” way, always through doors God has opened. When God shuts the door, we turn away. We don’t regret 1 IUI, 1 FET or any adoption situation we’ve been given. Every opportunity is because of God and the doors He has opened and every IUI, IVF, FET, adoption situation has taught us something, given us something or brought us closer together, etc.
So while I know people mean well with their comments, it’s bothers me when people make comments who don’t know our whole story, don’t see us every day, day to day, don’t know our (not just my) hearts’ desires, don’t know our struggles and dreams. And it’s so hard on Mark when people assume that having a baby is my dream and not his. I know that really bothers Mark a lot.
This is our dream together, not mine, not his, together. And we dream big and dream together.
Thank you for being so supportive in this dream we have together.
We weren't chosen. :( It's so heartbreaking.
We did submit our profile to another situation so I guess we'll see. At this point, I feel so depressed and like no one will ever pick us.
We do appreciate the love, support and prayers. It does mean so much to us. Thank you for being our wonderful friends. You make this journey a little easier.
We've submitted our profile to another situation! This one is due September 29 (yes, 3 days away!).
Holy cow.
Again, I'm not going to say anything on FB, just here. We would love all good thoughts and prayers. :)
I want to thank you all for your support and encouraging words. I was feeling pretty down. I took a few days and just grieved and I guess felt a little sorry for myself, which I feel I'm entitled to do sometimes.....but then started dusting myself off and looking forward and finding that hope again.
Just in time for Mark to get sick.
Yeah, kind of a bummer.
I think Mark got the same sickness I got but the symptoms were a little different. He might have had more of an inner ear thing going on. He was so dizzy...so dizzy he couldn't even walk without help and any movement at all made him vomit. He was suffering so bad.
But he was still able to take his pills so I didn't take him in. We have an understanding between us that as long as he can take his pills, I won't bring him in. His pills are very important so his kidney doesn't reject.
Friday morning, though, he had an episode of chest pain with back pain that was pretty severe and he had to take a nitro. So I decided I better bring him in. They ran tests and all the initial tests turned up negative. They did want to admit him to monitor him, though, as it was still a little early and it was still possible the tests could show he had a heart attack. But, Mark wasn't too interested in staying and being the initial tests were negative, I didn't push it.
Good news is, he's feeling MUCH better now. :) Yay!
And we were able to make another $120 for our peanut fund today at a show, plus another $30 for coaching gymnastics, so $150 total today for our peanut fund!! Yay!!
So, finally, things are looking better and I'm finding that hope again. It's frustrating when hope disappears for a little bit.
The birthmother didn't choose us. :(
Then we found out we were denied for another grant
And we found out that one of the agencies we applied to denied us. Yeah, I know we were approved to 2 other agencies, it's still so discouraging to hear that an agency won't even accept you as a possible choice for a family or think that they can't even help you find a baby.
On top of all that, I have the flu and have been sick for the last couple days.
This is so discouraging.
As we wait this weekend on a decision that could ultimately change our lives forever, I’ve been reflecting on our journey and just how much we’ve had to change courses and make tough decisions.
We started way back in July 2003 when we decided we wanted to start trying. We blame Tyler. He was 6 months back then and we were so much in love with that boy.
In the next 2 years, we were casually trying, although admittedly it was tough as Mark was still recovering from his kidney transplant in 2002, had a heart attack and broke his hip in 2004. But by 2005 and still nothing, we decided to talk to his doctor.
Then we were faced with some hard news. With Mark’s age and long-term diabetes, if we were to use his sperm, the chances were high that the baby would be born with birth defects, Down syndrome or other issues. We were told our best chance of a healthy baby was donor sperm. That decision wasn’t so hard on Mark. He would do anything for our baby. A trait that I admire in him so much to this day and one he still shows so adamantly in every decision we make for our baby.
But that decision was extremely, extremely hard for me. It took me over a year to do the research and be completely okay with that decision, knowing that this baby would be Mark’s no matter what. So, in March 2006, we started IUIs. 12 IUIs and 12 broken hearts later, we were told we needed to move onto IVF.
And that decision was another tough one. We weren’t completely okay with IVF and weren’t really sure just how “right” and ethical it was. After talking to our pastor, another pastor, many Christian friends and women who had been through IVF, our hearts were open to IVF.
In October 2008, we underwent our IVF cycle. It was one of the best responses they had seen, not too many eggs produced, not too few, the perfect amount and I responded wonderful to the medications. Then we were faced with the awful news after the retrieval, that only 4 had fertilized and none continued to divide, a situation that only happens in 2% of IVF cases. It was a shock not only to us, our family and friends, but to our medical team as well. After talking to our doctor, we found out that I had poor quality eggs and that our only chance was with donor eggs/embryos.
I’ll never forget the feeling when we were told that. I felt so defeated. I felt less of a woman, like I had let Mark down, like such a failure. And I remember leaving from that appointment and sitting down with Mark crying, pouring out my feelings, talking about how I felt, like I had let him down and he grabbed my hand and said “I know exactly how you feel”. I looked into his eyes and I knew that he really did know exactly how I felt. I also got that strength from him that no one else could give me and I knew we would be okay.
And yet, it was still so hard for me to realize that I could no longer bring a baby to myself, that I had to rely on someone else’s generosity and unbelievable gift to bring me our baby. I was no longer in “control”.
But, after going through 2 cycles of adopted embryos, we were able to experience that wonderful generosity and gift and it’s the most amazing feeling, something I cherish forever.
Although it was still my dream to carry, we started looking more into adoption. Admittedly, it wasn’t in my heart. I felt I NEEDED to carry. It wasn’t until Jamie was born in May 2010 and I looked into his eyes that I realized I could love a baby like Jamie and take him home as my own. Jamie wasn’t planned. He was a wonderful surprise. He didn’t ask to be born and yet he was the most perfect baby I had ever seen and if surprises came like him, I knew I could adopt any baby that was meant to be mine.
After we received our set of embryos last spring, I prayed to God that this was the last chance. I couldn’t deal with the heartache anymore. I wanted to carry more than anything in the world but I just couldn’t take this heartache anymore. I just couldn’t do it. We would be turning to adoption after that if it didn’t work.
And you all know the story. I finally got our BFP on my birthday and for 2 wonderful, beautiful days I was pregnant...p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t. I carried my babies inside me. I had always wanted to carry and God gave me that gift. And although it still hurts that I’m not in my third trimester right now like I could be and I’m not feeling my baby kick, I still got to carry...my ultimate goal.
And now, although with adoption there is still that huge risk, the chances are higher that we will be coming home with a baby.
My baby. No matter what direction and twists and turns we’ve taken.
I just can’t wait. We’re so close!
Thank you all for your prayers and support!! We still haven't heard about the situation but we were told to give it a few days as they'll want her to really think about it so we're going to somehow make it through the l-o-n-g weekend.
How in the world can we do it???
Per your request, here are links for where we have registered. :) We had an absolute blast registering!!
Wal-Mart
Amazon
Babies R Us
Target (this should be fixed now...so sorry!!! Thanks for telling me Montana's mom :))
Added: Some are wondering about the pink stuff and I better explain. :) At our agencies, we get to choose situations we submit our profile to so we have a choice, something not everyone gets. Mark has always wanted a girl, and I admit I've always wanted a girl, so we are submitting our profile to girls. My mom thinks we're "jinxing" it by registering all pink but it's always been a dream of ours so we're "living the dream". :)
I must add though that if we had a boy, we would LOVE to have a boy. Mark has 2 wonderful boys and we absolutely love Tyler and Jamie to pieces so a boy would be wonderful too. And this boy would be the best dressed pink boy ever. :)
Don't say anything. :)
We submitted our profile to a situation today in which the birthmother is due in 2 weeks. She'll be looking at it tomorrow.
I don't want to say anything on FB as it's soooo hard to let people know it didn't work out and then see them on the streets or church and have them say something....that's tough. So, I'm keeping quiet on FB but wanted to mention it here. :)
Please keep us in your prayers!!! I'll update when we know.
Since starting our adoption journey, I have been surprised by how different this journey is than our IUI/IVF/FET journey. Both have their definite ups and downs and emotions but they are completely different and yet have the same outcomes.
It’s very hard to explain unless you’ve been there.
But what has really surprised me has been the emotions I feel for the birthmother.
In our agencies we have applied to, we are able to look at situations and decide whether or not to submit our profile. We’re given as much information about the situation as they are able to give including the birthmother’s reason for placing the child up for adoption and how committed they are to adoption.
Some situations are heartbreaking and make me cry. These are situations that the birthmother is smoking and/or drinking and there has been no prenatal care. It’s so sad.
However, most, and a lot, of the situations, the birthmother is just too young, wants to go to school or financially cannot support their child and those are the reasons for giving their child up for adoption.
These situations are also heartbreaking and make me cry. These are the birthmothers who love their child so much and want to make sure they have the best life possible. It makes me sad as I know adoption is a decision they made out of love and they are grieving.
One birthmother even wrote for her reason for placing her child for adoption was “I may have all the love in the world, but it takes more than love to raise a child”, and continued on to say that she couldn’t financially support a child.
It is so sad to me.
One agency once said that in every situation, someone is grieving. I think that says it best and says it all.
I honestly didn’t think going into this that I would feel as much for the birthmothers as I do. I’m floored at how much grief I feel for these birthmothers, something I never felt I would feel but I certainly do.
It’s amazing what this journey teaches us and shows us.
You guys are so thoughtful. :)
The Alessis asked about registering info (you guys are so sweet :)). We registered at Tar.get but we're planning on registering at Wal-M.art and Babies-R.-Us and we're hoping to get all the registering done this weekend so I promise to post links when we have that done.
And girlranting asked about registering at Amazo.n and we will definitely do that! That is so sweet for you to think of us. Thanks sweetie!
We are always so amazed at the support we receive. Thanks so much.
Love you all ((HUGS))
My mom and I love to take the kids on outings and we try to do a big one before the start of school. Once school starts, it seems they are so busy and it's hard to get away. :(
So, the Tuesday before school started, on "Grandma Day", I took the day off and we went to the local zoo.
I love spending time with the kids and love seeing their reactions to the animals. :)
Tyler and Peyton. Peyton seemed to have an attitude.
My mom, Tyler and Peyton by the ostrich. Even the ostrich was looking at the camera.
Jamie. Doesn't he have just the cutest smile EVER? :)
Peyton
The other day Mark, Peyton and I went to do some registering. We had so much fun! Peyton sure knew what a baby needed and kept telling us what we needed to get.
Here are Mark and Peyton in front of the store. Yes, I actually took a picture in front of the store :)
Peyton scanning for us. She loved that scanner!
And of course we had to celebrate by having a little ice cream. :)
It was fun and so great to be able to do it with Peyton. These are the times I cherish so much.
just wasn't meant to be. :(
For those who follow me on FB know a little bit but I wanted to explain it more here.
Yesterday morning while we were having our Wondra Adoption Event, Part 2, we got a call from our consultant saying there was a situation that sounded perfect for us. There already was a family picked out but there were possible issues with that family. There was also a possible issue with the baby so if we were interested, it was recommended we contact our pediatrician to check it out.
Were we interested? Oh, but, OF COURSE!!
I immediately was on the phone while Mark did his best to take care of the sale (bless his heart, he tried his best :)).
After finding out our pediatrician (who happens to also be Mark's doctor and his wife is my therapist) was the hospitalist and was working, I kind of panicked. I work for that hospital and I knew getting to talk to him would be a challenge. I knew my therapist was in CA this week and was praying I could get a hold of her which I was able to. She told me to call the hospital and just try to talk to him. If I couldn't, she would do what she could to find him...whatever it took (she was so happy for us!).
So, while people are at our house, I'm making phone calls, answering Mark's questions as to what prices are, helping bag items and telling the receptionist when she said I couldn't talk to the doctor that it was an emergent situation and if I couldn't talk to him, his wife would talk to him.....I did finally get to talk to him (he was so nice, so excited for us and so awesome) and we talked about the situation and decided everything was low risk and we wanted to submit our profile.
So, in between customers, I'm running into the house to email our profile to this agency. Long story short, I'm having a lot of trouble submitting it. For some reason it's taking forever to attach. While dealing with that, customers are coming, Mark has chest pain and has to take a nitro inside the house, then his blood sugar drops to 43, Doogie gets sick and is throwing up and more and more customers are coming.
After a few hours, the profile FINALLY goes through. It was a very stressful few hours.
Then I can't get a hold of the agency. I'm calling every 15 min to see if they got the profile. Finally at 5 last night I'm able to get through only to find out the situation was matched an hour ago.
We were so disappointed.
I know at the same time, though, it wasn't meant to be. God had the chances to just "work it out" and things kept coming up. As "perfect" as it sounded, it seems it wasn't meant to be.
It doesn't make it any easier, though. For a day, it seems we had a daughter....a daughter.
On a positive note, I do think God was teaching me something. Just last week, I had emailed my consultant saying that although I knew it was way early, it was hard and discouraging when situations just weren't coming up. She told me that yes it was early but that things can change day to day and that every day brings new hope.
So, we talked about it yesterday and she said that at least I know now that indeed things can change from day to day. It was like she was telling me "I told you so!".
I hate hearing that. :)
And I also know that chances are, this is the first situation of quite a few disappointments.
But again, doesn't make it any easier.
Thanks again for your prayers and support! They are sooooo appreciated. We feel them so thank you!
My consultant told me that once and I couldn't agree more.
Something that really bothers me is when people hear we are adopting, sometimes people will make comments like "At least you get to keep your womanly figure", "You won't have the morning sickness!", "You won't have to endure months of being uncomfortable", "You get to skip labor!", "You're so lucky!".
So lucky....really?
Now I understand people mean well. I know that they don't mean anything by it so I never say anything to them or let them know that those types of comments hurt. I know they are just trying to be helpful.
Sometimes I feel like people think I'm "skipping the hard part and going right to the easy part".
Obviously these people have never adopted.
I admit, the decision to adopt was a hard one for us. I've dreamed forever of carrying my baby. I wanted to have morning sickness, be uncomfortable, go through hours of painful labor......to feel my baby kick, to hear the heartbeat, to feel the miracle inside me.
When we lost the babies this spring, I also grieved that I wouldn't experience pregnancy...something I had prayed and prayed for. But I've gotten to the point where it is more important to me to be a mom than to carry and be a mom....but it took awhile.
I admit, I'm still grieving not carrying and I don't think I'll ever fully be "okay" with not carrying. People have told me that when I hold my baby, I'll know that everything was worth it, that this baby is mine and that I wouldn't give up my baby for anything. And I believe that with all my heart.
I also believe it when others who have adopted and never carried and wanted to tell me that it will always sting a little, even if you know with all your heart that this road was the road God laid out for you.
It does bother me when people say I won't go "through labor". They don't understand the endless paperwork you have to do, the hours upon hours of interviews and talking to social workers, constant searching on agencies' websites at available situations, the constant excitement/anxiousness when the phone rings and it's an agency or a number you don't recognize on caller ID (maybe this is "the call!"), the disappointment of another week gone by and no call, the endless somewhat embarrassment of having to do fund raising and the guilt of accepting money from people and having to ask, etc.
Although adoption and pregnany bring the same ending result, they are completely different journeys and although different, both have very rewarding and very hard points during the journey.
I wish everyone understood that.
I first want to thank all of you so much for your sweet comments on the anniversary of Eddie’s death. It was such a hard day for us, really hard. I know to some people pets are pets and “just a dog” but to a lot of people they are definitely members of the family and especially to us, Eddie was like our baby boy in so many ways. Oh, he was the best dog. I can’t tell you how many times I cried to him and held him after yet another failed IUI and he helped comfort me. So, losing Eddie was very, very hard. We appreciate so much your love and support.
We have found out we were approved to another agency! What’s really special is how we found out.
We got the call at 7:30 Wednesday night saying we were approved and they went over the procedures and everything. It may not seem too significant with the timing but a year ago Wednesday night, we had brought Eddie up to the vet at about 7:10 and he died at 8:10. So, it was during the hardest hour relived Wednesday night that we got the call, a sense of hope.
We like to think of it as Eddie helping us out and giving us that hope.
You're such a wonderful dog. Thanks buddy.
It was one year ago today that we lost our precious dog, Eddie. Anyone who has a pet knows how precious they can be to you. Today is going to be a rough day. We miss Eddie so much.
Here is the post I wrote a year ago about Eddie's passing. It breaks my heart and yet comforts it at the same time:
First, I want to thank you all for your support and love. I haven’t been able to respond to e-mails but I have read them all. Thank you, too, for your help and advice when we were trying to figure out what was wrong with Eddie.
Just as a warning, if you are an animal lover, this will break your heart and just typing this, I’m sobbing. But, this was such a moment that neither Mark nor I want to forget and I want to share.
His passing was so fast. In some ways, that’s a blessing. In other ways, it seems to hurt so much as we weren’t prepared.
In the morning, Eddie was fine. He was jumping around and was acting his normal self. Then, at about 2:30 in the afternoon, Mark had just gotten out of the shower. When Mark takes his shower, Eddie always lays down on his pillow in our bedroom until Mark gets dressed. Then, he follows Mark out to the living room. This time, he stayed in the bedroom and wouldn’t follow Mark. Mark mentioned it to me but at that point I didn’t think much about it, although Mark was concerned.
After work at 3:30 , I was going to go out and mow the lawn. Eddie loves to go outside. So, I went and asked him if he wanted to go outside. Usually this question brings a reaction of jumping, tail wagging and running to the door. This time, nothing. That’s when I realized something wasn’t right but I still wasn’t too concerned, although Mark was very concerned. Eddie just looked weak and a little out of it.
We turned up the air conditioning hoping that would help him. I went out to mow the lawn. About halfway through, I asked Mark how Eddie was and there was no change. I went around the yard a few more times, thinking about Eddie the whole time. I then stopped and asked Mark if we should call the vet and he nodded. I checked up on Eddie again and there was no change. So I called and explained the situation. Unfortunately they had no openings for the rest of the afternoon but could see him in the morning and gave us the emergency number if we needed.
I went out to finish mowing the lawn while Mark made supper, Eddie’s favorite—spaghetti. Eddie loves spaghetti and usually finishes up our leftovers. When I came back in, we were both shocked and so happy to see that Eddie had moved from the bedroom to the living room to his blanket. That gave us so much hope that he was okay. We then sat down to eat. Usually Eddie is right by our feet, especially with spaghetti. This time, he didn’t move. Even when I brought some spaghetti to him, he wouldn’t move. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I knew something was really wrong.
I noticed he was breathing more rapidly and seemed to be coughing. His mouth felt really cold. I thought maybe some aspirin would help so I mixed in with his favorite canned dog food. That’s always a special treat for him and he usually gobbles it up. He wouldn’t even lick it this time.
At this point, we knew something was really wrong and we decided to call the emergency number. I talked to the vet. She was very honest and said it doesn’t sound good and he might die over night. We love our vet. She’s always very upfront with us and doesn’t hide anything. She said to bring him right in.
At this point, I’m sobbing and both Mark and I are trying to stay strong for Eddie. Eddie was so weak and breathing and coughing hard and we knew we’d have to carry him to the car. We tried getting Mark’s brother and then our neighbor to help us and neither were available. So, we bundled him up and carried him out to the car ourselves. We realize now this was the best so we could spend time with him alone and I think Eddie just wanted us to be around him anyway.
We drove to the vet and Mark sat in the back of the car with Eddie with his head in his lap. I’m so glad Mark was able to do that.
We got to the vet and carried him in. That’s when we found out that his heart was beating twice as fast as it should and his oxygen level was only 60% and should be at least 97% on room air. There were no pulses in his legs and his gums were extremely pale. The vet explained the tests we could do and explained the prices. It took half a second for Mark and me to decide to do whatever it took.
We were right by his side the entire time. Mark talked to him and stroked his face while I was helping the vet drawing blood and check the stomach. We transferred him to get x-rays and it was so hard to step away from him to get them done. He would get nervous and move around and after the films were taken, the vet had us be by him again to help him relax and he did once we were there.
While the films were being developed, Mark and I continued to pet him and talk to him and I gave him oxygen. The vet came out telling us the abdomen x-ray showed a very enlarged spleen and thought it could be the problem. Then she went to develop the chest film. While she was gone, Eddie started convulsing and we knew it wasn’t good. I yelled to the vet and she came out and told us he was dying. She showed us the x-ray which showed large tumors on his lungs and his heart.
I started screaming and sobbing. My legs gave out and I was on the floor. I got up quickly, realizing that Eddie needed me to be strong. Then, the vet listened to Eddie’s heart and looked at us and said “He’s gone. I'm so sorry” at 8:10 p.m.
Both Mark and I were crying and petting and hugging Eddie. After awhile, I hugged the vet and thanked her for everything and for being there for Eddie. She said there was nothing we could have done and she said he knew we were trying to help him and at least he didn’t die alone.
What tore my heart is what Mark did right before we left Eddie. You see, when we first picked up Eddie at the Humane Society, the first thing he did was lay down so we could scratch his belly. He loved having his belly scratched. So before we left, Mark said he was going to leave him like we got him and gave him a belly scratch.
Looking back now, I realize how lucky we were things happened the way they did.
I’m grateful he passed away now and not while we were on vacation.
I’m grateful he wasn’t alone when he passed away and that it was just Mark, me and the vet with him and nobody else.
I’m grateful we took him in when we did. If we had taken him in earlier in the day, they would’ve recommended putting him down and that would’ve been a hard decision. And if we would’ve waited until morning, he would not have made it and we always would have been wondering “what if”. This way he died on his own and with us right there.
I’m grateful he didn’t suffer. The vet thought he just felt very weak and only for the few hours that we noticed he wasn’t himself.
I’m grateful for the special moments Mark got to have with him leading up to his passing away.
I do wish that I hadn't felt the need to mow the lawn and that I would've spent more time with Eddie.
I do wish that I wouldn't have gotten upset with him the day before for peeing on our tarp.
I do wish I would have seen him come out of the bedroom into the living room. I don't know how weak he was and if he needed help. I know he just wanted to be near us and I wish I could've helped him.
I just wish that I would've known. I would've pet him more and told him I loved him more. I wouldn't have gotten upset because he was whining and trying to get me up at 4 in the morning. I would've cherished his stinky breath in the morning so much more.
Eddie was such a good dog. This has really affected our whole family. When Mark told his mom about Eddie, she cried and said she couldn’t think of anything bad about Eddie. My sister said he was so loved and spoiled. We have gotten so many e-mails and calls from our family as they knew how much Eddie meant to us. What really touched me was what my sister-in-law said. She said to think of how much we loved Eddie and realize that he loved us that much and so much more. And I believe that with all my heart. He loved us so much.
We love you Eddie and miss you so much. Take good care of our nuts. We can’t wait to see you again.
We’re pretty much caught up applying for agencies and grants. Now we’re concentrating on getting the nursery ready.
(Did I really just type that??)
We have blankets and outfits, etc. that we are washing and getting ready and we have a travel list that we got from Christian Adoption Consultants that we need for the baby so we’ll be getting those things ready.
What we aren’t sure about is what we really need otherwise. We’ve wanted this baby for 8 years and now I realize we have no idea what we really need, other than of course the obvious, diapers, wipes, outfits, onesies, etc.
Should we be registering now? Should we wait a little while longer? This baby literally could come overnight so I want to be prepared.
On the flip side, we could get some notice so we might have some time.
(Did I really just type about registering?)
Anybody have a list of things we need based on experience or just what you know we’ll need?
Thanks bunches. :)
We were approved by an agency and we can start submitting our profile now!
We even inquired about a situation which we found out had already been matched but it was so real to actually ask about a situation.
Wowzers!
We have now officially applied to 3 agencies!!
It’s really starting to feel so real.
I have mixed emotions. It makes me so happy and yet so sad.
I’m so happy and excited to meet our baby. I’m so looking forward to that day we get “the call”. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like to see our baby and hold our baby. It doesn’t seem like it’ll ever happen and yet I know it will. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
But it also hits me that I would be 22 weeks pregnant. I know 2 good friends on FB who are around the same week as I would have been. These are 2 wonderful women who have been through more than I can imagine and I’m sooooo happy they are where they are at. No one deserves it more. So, to hear their updates and statuses warm my heart. But to hear that they can feel the baby kick, others can feel it and it’s the best feeling in the world...well, I’m sad I’m not there, I can’t feel that kick and my babies aren’t here.
To clarify once again, I am EXTREMELY happy for them. I can’t express just how happy I truly am. They’ve been through so much in their lives and, man oh man, I’m so happy for them.
I guess it’s just sad to me that I could be feeling my baby kick right now...something I’ll never feel.
That’s a hard pill to swallow.
Yet, at the same time, here we are getting the nursery ready, going through clothes, going through blankets (wow, we have more than I thought!), going through the boxes and boxes of Precious Moments stuff that we’ve collected for 8 years that FINALLY we have hope that we’ll be able to use...finally.
We’re getting the bassinet ready, clearing out the dresser and closet and we’ll soon be putting up the Precious Moments wall border.
That is exciting to us and it’s exciting and scary that it could literally happen at any time.
I admit, being around me right now, isn’t such a major treat. I can get so sad and then so happy, so excited and then so nervous, so crabby and then so loving. I’m a rollercoaster. But, that’s what we’re on...an infertility rollercoaster.
I’m excited for this ride to end...or anxious...or happy....or sad....
At last, long awaited pictures of the sale!
Tyler made Rice Krispie treats the night before. One of my friends, Chocodaisy, donated the ingredients to make them. Thank you Choco! They were VERY popular...we sold out right away!
My mom and Tyler had a sleepover the night before the sale
Pictures of all the stuff for sale before the sale started:
The signs we posted at the sale:
My mom and dad
Helping a customer
Mark and Peyton
Tyler, Peyton and Jamie's parents, Matt and Danielle, had just gotten a new puppy, Millie...isn't she so cute??
Jamie...look at that sweet chocolate face!
Me and Draven
We had a downpour on Saturday that lasted for about an hour. :( We lost a canopy during it.
Tyler and Peyton emptying out the glassware after the downpour.
My brother from Chicago was able to come! And Tyler looking at books. He bought about 35 books....he's a reader!
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