Sam's 2nd birthday

On June 13, Sam turned 2. I can't believe how big he's getting! Wow!

He loves throwing rocks into Lake Superior so for his party, his mom and dad had a "Rockstar Party" for him at a park by the lake.

Here are some pictures!


The birthday boy


The party down by the lake


All the kids were able to get out onto a big rock in the lake


Here is the "assembly line" to bring the kids back to the shore


Peyton and Adelaide painting a rock


Tyler painting a rock


Sam with his cake


Sam opening up gifts with his dad and Adelaide


Me with Sam, Adelaide and Mark


Me with Sam, Adelaide and Peyton

Happy 2nd birthday Sam!! We love you so very, very much!

I would also like to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers with Chad and Ajay's adoption. I'm proud to announce we have a new niece! The court case passed today! We're all so happy!

Green poop

Yes, indeed...that's what this post is about.

This morning I had a nice green bowel movement. I was slightly concerned as that has never happened before. I asked Mark about it and he didn't know and suggested I look it up on the good ole internet.

So I did.

Come to find out Kool-Aid, Fruit Loops and black frosting can give you green poop. Yesterday afternoon I had a chocolate muffin with frosting with black food coloring in it.

Who knew? Pretty cool!

When I told Mark that I was going to put this on my blog, he couldn't believe it. Then I informed Mark that prehaps someone else was in the same boat as me and was a little concerned. So, they google "green poop" and it comes to my blog. It's on my blog that they find out that the bowl of Fruit Loops they had was the culprit of their discolored stool and they have much relief knowing that everything is okay.

I just helped someone and that makes me feel good. So, I decided I would blog about it.

Lucky you guys!!

I'm still alive!

I just realized it's been almost a week since I've updated! Ouch! I've had a lot going on. Once again, I'm far behind on blogs, but hoping to get caught up real soon. It drives me crazy when I get behind. :(

For the time being, I'll do a "bullet update" but I'll be posting more soon.

Sam's 2nd birthday. June 13 was Sam's 2nd birthday and I still have to upload pictures from the party that day. I promise I'm going to do that!

Family vaca. This weekend, our family had a little getaway and had so much fun. Of course I'll be sharing pictures. :)

Chad and Ajay's adoption update. They had another hearing on June 30 and hopefully this one will go through. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Post on my dad. I haven't forgotten about doing a post on my dad. He definitely deserves it and I'll be doing that for sure.

Mark's health. He's doing much better and the kidney numbers did drop the last time he had blood drawn! Yay! He has another blood draw this Wednesday to see how his kidney is doing.

Our baby journey. Things continue to progress and the doors remain open!! Woohoo!!

Eddie. He's our dog. Nothing to update. Just decided to add him in here.

James. He's 6 weeks and such a cutie! Of course I've got pictures and of course I'll be posting them soon!

The Bachelor.ette. Okay, can there seriously be more drama on that show? It just seems like it is a spin-off of the Bache.lor with all the drama. And the whole Ja.ke and Vie.nna break up and how much publicity that is getting. Kind of gets old. And yet, I have to admit, I'm addicted to the show.

Boot Camp. I've joined boot camp and doing that a couple times a week at 6 in the morning! The alarm goes off...I wonder why in the world I signed up for this. The whole drive there....I wonder why in the world I signed up for this. I get there and I'm sweating and working hard to beat the band....I wonder why in the world I signed up for this. Then I go home and I feel AWESOME about the workout I did and my confidence is better....then I know why I signed up for this. :)

My gymnastics job. This starts on Monday! I'm really excited!!

I miss my babies. I'd be entering my second trimester now. I admit, I've been pretty down and depressed thinking about it. I miss my babies so very much. I know there is a reason and I've accepted that. Just some days, I miss them more than words can say. I know I talk about them a lot and I hope you guys don't get sick of that. They are just always on my mind and I can't help but talk about them.

That's all I can think of for now. I'll be updating more soon and getting caught up on your blogs! Love ya all!!

Spilling the beans.....

Our doors are continuing to open and I'm ready to share more. Mostly because I'm just plain having a hard time keeping my mouth shut

I'm choosing to not use names to protect those involved.

First, we've had quite a few people offer to donate their eggs. I can't tell you how much that means to us. I know these people know what they are doing, what they have to go through to donate, the emotions, etc. and people have still offered. It means so much.

We've also had a couple want to create embryos for us. Again, it touches our heart so much.

These are options for us that we are so grateful for and we know they will always be there for us. It shows how much people care. Thank you for that.

And it doesn't end there. We have been so blessed with such wonderful friends in blogger land....that's you guys!

We have a friend who I've known for a long time and has been an amazing support both with our infertility struggles and Mark's health issues. She and her husband want to donate their embryos to us when things get a little more settled. Wow.

I'm sitting here trying to put into words what it means to us to be chosen....and I honestly can't come up with the words. I don't know if people truly understand the feeling of having someone offer to donate their embryos. To us, we feel like people are choosing us to raise their genetic children. To have someone choose us to trust to raise their children is such a true honor. I can't imagine being in their shoes and how much it takes to come to a decision like that. It truly is such an unbelievable honor and we take embrace it as a huge compliment.

We also have another friend who has offered to donate her embryos to us if a situation works out for her which could be awhile from now and wanted us to jump at a chance if something came up before then.

Again, such an honor and again, I'm at a loss for words to explain how it truly feels.

We also have yet another friend who contacted an adoption consultant regarding our situation and explained about Mark's health. To make a long story short, we've been in contact and the consultant has found a couple home study agencies that think Mark's health won't be much of an issue! Of course, we don't know for sure and anything can happen as there are still barriers, but meeting this consultant has been absolutely wonderful and so encouraging to us. This just literally fell into our laps and wouldn't be possible if it hadn't been for this friend.

And all this is possible because of the wonderful world of blogging. I absolutely love you guys.

Right now we are pursuing everything God has laid in our laps. We want the doors God has opened to either remain open or have God close the doors. We don't want to be the ones to close doors.

I admit, it is still very much in my heart to carry our baby...so much so. I want to experience pregnancy so badly. And at the same time, my heart is so open to adopting a baby if we can and helping a baby have a wonderful home.

Mark and I have talked and if it happens that we can adopt a baby and embryos and if I am pregnant while we are adopting, it would be a dream for us. Of course we know it wouldn't be easy but we have so much support.....so much. And like I said, if this is God's will, we will embrace that with open arms.

After all, we knew that was in the plan for Leah. :)

So, there ya go. That's the scoop. I've spilled the beans.

To those in the above groups, there are no words. I know I've said thank you a million times but I could say thank you until I'm blue in the face and it wouldn't be enough. I know God had a big hand in it and I want to thank you for following your heart and helping us and being the angels you are.

Such a cute little graduate

My sister sent me this picture. This is Peyton giving me the thumbs up at her graduation. She's so adorable, isn't she? :)

Father's Day from the eyes of an infertile

First I have to say Happy Father's Day to my sweet Mark who is such a wonderful father to his 2 boys. I love you!

It's so bittersweet for me to say those words because I know Mark isn't a father because of me, but he is a father in spite of me.

One of the hardest things for me to accept during this journey has been the fact that Mark's ex-wife has been able to provide him with a child and I haven't. A woman with whom I have watched hurt Mark in many ways. She has been able to give him a child and I haven't. And I am a woman who loves Mark with all my heart and has done so much to protect him.

Just doesn't seem fair and seems a little backwards if you ask me.

To say "Happy Father's Day" to Mark is a little hard for me. I know we have babies in heaven, but in all honesty, it's not the same as having a child here. I know he doesn't blame me and loves me no matter what, but I would love to be able to say "Happy Father's Day" to him while he's holding our precious baby in his arms that we brought into this world together.

I know everything happens for a reason, but like Mother's Day, Father's Day is a day I love to see "come and go".

Kind of a downer post, I know, but these are my feelings of this particular day.

On the other hand, my dad definitely deserves to be recognized on this day as he is a fabulous dad and I'm so lucky and blessed to have him as my dad. But, I will be posting another post for him on a day when I'm feeling better as he deserves a post for himself. Love you Dad! Happy Father's Day!

I hope all the fathers and fathers-to-be have a fabulous day!

Prayer request for my Markie

I know I'm so behind on blogs. I promise to get caught up soon. I think and pray for you guys all the time!!

Today I brought Mark in for his low blood sugar reactions. He's had 9 in the last week.

We also talked about his creatinine (kidney number) and how it's been creeping up. Mark's doctor agreed to check it to help ease my mind. He knows I worry a lot. :)

We got the blood work and we were sent home. We had been home for about half an hour when the doctor called Mark and told him that his potassium was way too high at 6.8 (normal is below 5) and his creatinine had gone up to 2.1 from 2.0. He said we should go into the ER.

Mark said he was going to eat first and then go down. It was rather frustrating to me as I just wanted to go down...forget about eating. I even had Peyton try to convince Mark to go down right away. She talked to him on the phone and Mark just told her he would go down after he ate. I could tell Peyton was getting frustrated when she said "Do you know who you're talking to?". Mark always does what Peyton tells him to. :)

Anyway, we do get down to the ER and they recheck things. His potassium was now down to 5.5 and his creatinine was up to 2.2. They decided to send him home and have him recheck next Friday.

The fact that the creatinine keeps going up isn't good and now that the potassium is a little high, there's concern that something is going on with his kidney.

I'm really nervous. I feel like if he loses the kidney, this could be the "beginning of the end". Dialysis was so very rough on him and that was when his heart was functioning much better. Now he has the heart issues and dialysis is so tough on the heart. In fact most dialysis patients who die while on dialysis die of heart issues rather than kidney issues.

Please pray for his kidney and that everything will be okay. Our biggest fear has been losing the kidney.

On a positive note, because Mark came home tonight, Peyton gets to spend the night. She sure can bring Mark smiles.

We appreciate the thoughts and prayers so very much.

Mark's appointment

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers today. We appreciate them so much!

We found out that his ultrasound on Monday was stable which is good news! In fact, his ejection fraction (heart pumping) has increased from 30 to 35-40%, so there is a little increase. "Normal" people are at about 75% we've been told so it's about half of a "normal-functioning" heart still.

They also did an EKG which was stable from the last EKG done in January so that was encouraging, too.

They are concerned about the chest pain obviously. The problem with Mark is that he is very sensitive to the blood pressure medications. He gets very dizzy and lightheaded if he is on too much, so he's basically on the lowest dose of 2 blood pressure medications.

He was given the option of an angiogram. If you don't know what that is, they take a camera up through the leg to the heart where they check out the arteries for blockages. Last time he had one done was about 5 years ago. At that time, we were told the blockages were so bad that he would need a heart transplant and there was nothing else they could do to fix the blockages. So, we really don't see the point in having another one and having Mark go through that when chances are very likely there won't be anything they can do at this time anyway.

They offered to increase his medication, but knowing it would probably make Mark more dizzy, he didn't really want to do that.

So, he will just keep using his nitros if he has pain. If the episodes get worse or get more frequent, they will revisit it. He will be going back to see his cardiologist in a month.

We did find out that his creatinine (kidney number) has been steadily increasing for the last few months. Not too big of a deal at this point, but there is some worry, so we're hoping when he gets it checked in another month, it'll be down.

Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers! It means so much!

Quick update on my Markie

Mark hasn't been feeling too good the past few days. He has had more chest pain and had another scary episode last night. He has also had low blood sugar reactions in the past few days, one where he was basically unresponsive to me.

We usually go through this every once in awhile and he always gets through it but it's still scary and puts things into perspective.

They did do an ultrasound of his heart this morning, complete with a low blood sugar reaction during it. :( Then he'll be seeing his cardiologist on Wednesday and we'll get the results of the echo then.

Thoughts and prayers are appreciated so much!

I'm behind on blogs. :( So sorry!! It was a busy weekend and with Mark, lots of things on my mind. But, I'm still here and will get caught up soon! (((HUGS)))

A little update on my Markie-poo

For the most part, Mark has been feeling pretty good. The heat and humidity have gotten to him and that gets hard on him, but for the most part, he's been doing pretty well. I know I shouldn't complain about the heat and humidity when there are people from Texas reading this. :)

But, this Wednesday, he had an episode that was a big wake-up call for us.

We made a short trip to the post office. We live in town so it was just right down the hill. Mark decided he would ride with while I went in. I was in the post office for about 5 minutes and when I came back out to the car, I opened the door to see Mark clutching his chest and said he had pain in his left jaw...definitely a sign of a heart issue.

Mark always carries his nitros with him, but being we were just going to the post office, he didn't carry them with him. And I always carry old nitros in my purse but being we were just going down to the post office, I had just carried my wallet and not my purse.

So I sped home, the whole time Mark's pain was not getting any better but he did keep telling me I didn't have to speed because he didn't want to die like that. At that moment, I didn't care about speeding.

When we got home, he took a nitro and the pain immediately got better. He just felt dizzy from the after effects of the nitro. He was extremely tired so after an hour of just laying down, he felt pretty good.

It was a big wake-up call for us. No matter what, we will be bringing nitros with us.

We think Mark may have just overdone it that day. He had exercised a little more than usual that day and we think he might have just overdone it. Who knows. He has had a little more chest pain since then but nothing like Wednesday.

He will be getting an ultrasound of his heart and seeing his cardiologist soon.

I don't want anyone thinking poorly of me for not bringing him into the hospital. At this point in his life, Mark makes that decision when to go in. He's been through enough with hospitals and we've decided that no matter what happens, we'll be okay with the decision Mark has made regarding whether or not to go in or to have a surgery, etc., because it's what Mark wants.

There was a rather peaceful part of this whole thing, though. Later that night when we were in bed and just talking, Mark did say that no matter what the next step is that God has for his life, he's ready. He loves the Lord and knows where he's going.

I admit, it's not easy to hear that. I cried and it really made me think about losing him and I didn't sleep good that night. But at the same time, it's very comforting to hear those words. It's one of those "bittersweet" things to hear. It's always nice to know you'll be seeing someone again.

I do know I'm so blessed to be married to Mark...so very blessed. And my life is so complete with him in it.

Doors are opening.....

I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing this.

I don't want to go into detail on my blog as I don't know who reads it and it's still early. I want to protect those involved.

I just want to say doors are opening and in more ways than one. It's absolutely amazing to me. I'm nervous, scared, hopeful, excited, grateful, and mostly just thankful for my life and the family and friends in it.

I just ask that if you pray, please pray that God's will be done. If you think positive thoughts, I'll take those. :) Or if you want to give me a hug, I'll take that, too. :)

We truly are very blessed to have you, the blog world, on our side. It means so much.

On top of doors opening, I also got the perfect second job for me. Some may know I was a gymnast in high school, way back in 1994 **gulp**. I coached for a couple years after I graduated and then finished college and got married. I've been away from the sport since about 1999. I've always loved the sport and wanted to get back into it so much. I was given the opportunity today to help spot kids during classes 3 days a week for 1-1/2 hours a day for about a month. It's at the school right by my house so it's very close. Plus, if it works out, I'll also be able to do it in the fall.

It's sooooo perfect for me and I'm super excited!! And the money will be great going into our peanut fund.

We truly are so very, very blessed and God is so good to us.

I also wanted to say that I would be about 2-1/2 months pregnant right now if Peanut and Lugnut were growing in my tummy. I would probably be starting to show. I miss my babies....miss them so much. And there isn't a day I don't think about them. We're so blessed to be their mommy and daddy and can't wait to get a huge hug from them at the gates of heaven.

The cutest Twins fan EVER!!

I can't believe how much I love this little guy. He's so precious.

I might just get lucky....

Mark had never been to Lo.we's before. There was a new store near us that came in not too long ago. He's been looking for a new blower so being we were going near Lo.we's tonight, he asked if we could stop in.

I've never seen him smile so big.

He was literally in heaven.

He grinned ear to ear the whole time he was in there and to top it off, he found the perfect blower.

When we were walking out of the store, he was still talking about how great Lo.we's was. Then he said:

"Wow! Whoopie last night, then a trip to Lo.we's and a perfect blower! Woohoo!" and gave me a little slap on my butt.

My mouth went wide open and Mark laughed at my shocked emotion.

I may just get a little lucky again tonight....

Hope

Thank you so much for all your hope and support with my last post! You guys are all so sweet and always so hopeful and encouraging. Thank you!!

If I'm being honest, though, I have very little hope.

It's not that I'm not grateful for this turn of events, grateful for the fact that someone is willing to fight so hard for us, grateful for just this opportunity. That's not it at all.

I think it's just that I'm so afraid of being hurt and going through the heartache again. I'm absolutely, totally, 100% terrified of going down that road again.

Some of the negative thoughts running through my head are What if he finds out adoption is not an option? What if it is and nobody chooses us? What if the birth mother changes her mind and the baby gets taken away from us? What if we can't get the money? What will go wrong this time? How far will we get into the process before we face the heartache once again?

I know I sound extremely negative and I'm sure some are wondering why I can't just be grateful for the possible opportunity and be hopeful. I want to clarify that I am grateful and hopeful....but cautious. I guess it's me protecting my heart.

And I feel it's okay.

I know others have been through a lot of heartache so I'm not minimizing that at all. I just feel Mark and I have been through a lot of heartache...not just with the infertility stuff but also his health problems. We had a-l-o-t of setbacks before he was finally able to have his kidney transplant (if you want to read that story, you can read it here).

So, yeah, I guess I am held back at this point and as much as I'm grateful for this turn of events and I have a little hope, I'm scared and terrified of the heartache and being hurt again. I know you have to take risks to achieve your dream in this journey of infertility, but when you've been hurt as much as we have, it's hard to not let the negative feelings come in to play.

So, yes, I'm very grateful for the hope and grateful to God for giving me a little hope when I need it.

I'm just scared, nervous and don't want to be hurt again. Does that make sense?

We have come up with a plan, though. We want to wait and see what our lawyer says and if adoption is an option for us, we would like to pursue that. If not, we want to save up for a known donor egg cycle. Saving up will take awhile. But we feel we may be ready to move on by the time we save up. Either route will take quite awhile and, honestly, it's okay. We're still grieving and I still need time.

In the meantime, if the opportunity comes up where we receive donated embryos again, we'd love that chance. Also, if an adoption opportunity comes up out of the blue like it did with Michelle, we would embrace that opportunity as well.

It only takes one person who knows our story who can be our "angel" and bring our child/children home.

At this point, it's out of our hands and it's all in God's plan. I'm trusting Him. I just don't want my heart to break again and it's hard.

I'm so wishy-washy, aren't I? :)

The changing of heart

I've posted before how I believe God changes your heart. I really believe that.

I remember when we first started this journey, Mark and I were adamant that a baby had to be created from his sperm and my egg. We were against IVF and thought if it didn't happen the natural way, we would be okay and just realize it wasn't meant to be.

I think I hear everyone laughing. :)

Now, we don't care about the DNA. We both believe IVF is such a blessing and gift and an amazing opportunity and to be honest, we aren't "okay" with not being parents here on Earth and we don't think it's "not meant to be".

And we blame God for our feelings. Okay, "blame" might be a little strong, but we do think it's His fault we feel the way we do and believe He is changing our hearts.

And sometimes I know God sends certain situations into our lives.

James is a very precious baby. He was a major surprise to my sister and her husband. They were planning on having 2, just Tyler and Peyton. Of course, they wouldn't give up James for the world now and are so very happy to have him.

I've been spending some time with James lately and of course I am so much in love with my little nephew. While I'm holding him, I do a lot of thinking. There are so many babies out there who have been in James' position but aren't as lucky as him to have been born to the wonderful parents he was. Other babies are born to parents who, because the baby was a surprise, the babies aren't wanted and are treated more as a "burden" than a blessing. These poor babies are innocent babies who didn't ask to be born and just want someone to love them. I'm so grateful James was born into such a loving family and wasn't in that position.

But there are so many babies who are. And I've realized through James that I could fall in love with one of those babies so easily. If all they needed was someone to love them, I know I could do it. I have so much love I could give.

But, I know with Mark's health issues, adoption is basically out of the question.

Then a few days ago, I got an "out of the blue" call from our lawyer. Our lawyer has been wonderful. He's helped through a lot of times with the ex and our court situation. Then he helped legalize our embryo adoption with Kami and Steve. He knows our history and our struggles and is such a wonderful guy.

He said he was a few minutes away from our house and asked if he could swing through for a minute. I told him that was fine and I hurried up and got dressed (hey, I work from home and yes, I was in my pjs at 11 in the morning :)), cleaned up the house as quick as I could (don't tell me you guys don't do that :)) and he stopped by.

He first asked how we were doing since our loss and we talked a lot about that. He was very sympathetic and said he had been thinking so much about us. He said he felt that this wasn't the end for us and that he couldn't think of a better home for a baby to be in than our home.

He went onto say that he had helped 2 couples with an adoption in another state and was a little familiar with adoptions. He stated that Mark's health may not be as much of a barrier as we think. The lawyer said he has seen Mark with Tyler and Peyton and knows that he's at least capable of taking care of kids (not in a wheelchair, etc.). And, yes, we're all aware that a "little" time with a niece and nephew is not the same as a full-time parent.

The thing he pointed out is that they also look at the family/friend support and he said he has never seen a couple with as much support as we have. And to be honest, I couldn't agree more. We have an AMAZING support system. He firmly believes with all his heart that we are meant to be parents and that we have so much love to give a child. He said he would fight tooth and nail for us. And I know he means it as he has done so much for us already.

So, with our permission, he said he was going to make a few phone calls for us and see what options we have. I got emotional and gave him a huge hug. Probably a little inappropriate to give a lawyer a hug, but I just couldn't help it. :)

I have a little hope. Of course we know there is heartache and that there is never a guarantee and more than anything, I'm scared to death of heartache and I don't want to go down that road at this time. But, for awhile I had lost hope and I feel like hope is at least showing up a little.

And I believe God has a lot to do with it. :) He uses situations for His glory and will all the time.

So, I guess we'll see what happens. At least knowing you have a lawyer who will fight for you is a big relief. :)

Thank you God for giving me a little hope at this time.