Mark made me do it

Oops...shouldn't have said that

Today we had our "special box" picked up from this month's adventure--you NW girls know what that is. :) As most know, I refer to our goods as "markers". So, Tyler is here today and is wondering what that big box is by the door.

Tyler: Tammy, what's in that box?
Tammy (face turning a wonderful shade of pink): Uh, well, those are markers.
**Mark's giggling and pointing at me...knowing this is very awkward for me**
Tyler: MARKERS!! That's a whole lots of markers to draw with! We gotta open it up now. I can make cards for everyone.
Tammy: No, honey. Those markers are only for Auntie Tammy to play with.
**Uncontrollable laughter coming from Mark**

Thankfully, he decided then that the Disney channel was much more amusing....whew!

I married a geek

A couple days ago, we went grocery shopping. I was busy looking at the ad when we first walked in. Mark looked down on the floor and found $2. You should've seen his face...just like a kid at Christmas. I think he was mostly proud because he found it before I did. I'm always finding money. I found $20 at a gas station once and another $5 at a store. I don't know what it is but money just seems to find me.

Anyway, throughout the whole store, Mark was just beaming. I finally said to him that by the way he was acting, you would think he won the lottery. He said "I did! Tammy I found TWO DOLLARS!!" and then had to show me again the 2 pictures of George Washington. Gotta love him.

Then as we were going out of the store, there was a pile of doggie do-do which of course I didn't see until my foot conveniently stepped right in the middle of it. I was so upset and so disgusted by it. Of course, Mark found this to be very funny and kept teasing me about it. I finally looked at him and thanked him for being so kind to which he responded "I just have to give you crap. Of course, I don't have to because you just step in it". I didn't think it was so funny, but Mark couldn't stop laughing because he had thought of the "best" joke. I thought he was going to fall over from laughing so hard.

So, as you can see, I married a geek.

In baby news, our second IUI was yesterday morning and it went MUCH better than the day before. I got right in and everything went great. I was having a lot of pain in the office and during the IUI. Then when we got home, I was feeling much better...just a little burning. So, we think I ovulated right then and there at the IUI which would've been 36 hours past trigger. Talk about dead-on timing! Too bad the eggies were a little overcooked. I guess you never know though.

Michelle and Nick are going to adopt! Second post of the day

As many of you know, Michelle and Nick's IVF attempt resulted in a miscarriage. They are now looking into adoption. They have set up a website for their adoption journey. There you will find their story, pictures, some items they are selling to raise money for adoption and a link if you wish to give donations. The link is http://www.freewebs.com/nick06tc/index.htm

Check it out! It's really neat!

The first IUI this month

I had my IUI yesterday morning. My MW had a couple emergencys so she was an hour late. So, our "markers" sat out for an hour and 15 min. At first my MW thought I was upset because of the timing and then, in between tears, I told her the sample was out too long and nothing was going right this cycle. She said she didn't realize that...how can you not? I mean, duh, obviously with an IUI, something is out, you know?

Anyway, I'm frustrated. I know it wasn't my MW's fault and next time we decided I'd call ahead and make sure she's running on time. It's just frustrating when nothing goes right. We have another IUI scheduled for tomorrow morning....but if the timing is right on that, by my calculations, my eggies would be in the mid-30s which is way too big I think.

So, like Mark said "Operation Get Knocked Up...take 12". I'm pretty sure we're looking at try #12.

Oh, and when I was talking to the nurse about the sample and it being out, she asked what kind of sample.

Okay, duh. I'm here for an IUI. Do you think I'm talking about a sample of cheese or something?

So, on a positive note, here are a couple pictures from Easter:

Tyler and Peyton with the Easter baskets the Easter bunny left at our house.
Peyton just hanging out, waiting to eat.
This was my bruise from my trigger shot. :( I know it's not very big. I never get a bruise, though, so I was surprised. Mark felt really bad. So, at least I'm getting a little sympathy. Anyone else get a bruise from the trigger? This month is just going soooo "great". :)

The plan

Yesterday was a very frustrating Monday. I had an ultrasound yesterday morning that showed 2 eggs at 28 mm. I was really bumming...they were too big. I thought about skipping this month but I knew I would always wonder. Anyway, I called and left a message for my MW at 10....called again at 1....called again at 4:30. I finally get a call from her at 5:15. Apparently other stuff got put on my message and she didn't get it. I was so frustrated. Anyway, at first she wanted to do an IUI at 36 and then one at 40 post trigger. I did not want to do that so I told her I wanted to do one at 12 and 36. She must get really frustrated with me because it seems I'm always second guessing her. But, we spend $450/month so I'm going to get what I want. I'm sure according to my mom, I always get what I want all the time....right Mom? I'm pretty demanding. :)

So, I have an IUI at 11 this morning and one at 9 tomorrow morning. Honestly, I don't feel good about this cycle. I think we overcooked the eggs. But, I'd rather give it a shot than not. I'm just frustrated. I wish one month would go right.

I do know if it's meant to happen, God will let it happen. I have to keep focused on that. But sometimes it's so hard to stay positive.

Happy Easter from Tyler!!

Tyler wishes everyone a Happy Easter!

Tyler wanted to show everyone his bunny

Tyler had to show everyone his cottontail.

One of my dear friends from the NW board sent me this Precious Moments angel. It is sooooo precious and I love it. I can't wait to give it to our little one. Thanks so much Marlana! You're the best!! (((HUGS)))

HAPPY EASTER!!!

Mark's 6th transplant birthday!!

Scott sees Mark for the first time after the transplant. Mark had a breathing tube in for 3 days after the surgery and Scott had issues, too, so this was taken 5 days after the surgery. Scott is a little hard to see, but he's to the far left.

6 years ago, our lives changed. Mark recieved the gift of life from his brother, Scott. It truly has been a miracle and we never forget this day or the wonderful blessing and life Scott gave to us. Mark was very sick before the transplant and now he is feeling and looking so much better. 6 years ago I never would have thought we'd be struggling to have a baby....never would have thought it would be possible. I thought it would only be a wish and a dream for me.

I wrote this story not long after Mark's transplant. It was put in our local newspaper and I've gotten so many comments on it. I wanted to share it with you guys. I know it's long, but I promise it's worth it. :)

LOVE SIGNS

Ever since we started dating, Mark and I have
always had a special love and bond. We are always
together and so much in love. Maybe it is his sickness
that has brought us so close together.
Mark has been fighting diabetes for over 40 years. In
2000, he started showing signs of kidney failure due
to his illness. Two months before we got married in May
2001, he was forced to start dialysis. Every other day
was spent driving him up to the dialysis center. I was
fortunate that I worked across the street from our
house and was a couple blocks away from the dialysis
center. I could always drive him there and pick him
up. The hardest part about it was dropping him off and
leaving him, knowing I wouldn't be talking to him for
at least four hours. Having my uncle die in 1988 on
the dialysis machine made it even harder to leave him.
Mark has always been a very quiet, shy guy. Although
he's always been very romantic and has always treated
me like a queen, he's never been one to show a lot of
emotion in public or around other people. I, on the
other hand, love to show emotion at all times. I've
always been one to say "I love you" when I'm leaving
Mark for even a minute. Even just going to the
bathroom or to another room, I'm always giving Mark a
big kiss and telling him how much I love him.
Well, you can imagine how much it bothered me
leaving Mark at dialysis without being able to say "I
love you" or showering him with kisses. It would have
been too much for Mark. So, to make us both happy, we
made up our own "I love you" hand signal. It was a
hand signal that only the two of us knew and a way
that both of us could be satisfied. I could leave
knowing the last words I "said" to him were "I love
you" and Mark didn't have to say it in public. It was
a perfect set-up.
This went on for almost a year until his kidney
transplant. I would drive him up to dialysis every
other day and every time I left him, we
would give each other the hand signal.
In March 2002, Mark had his kidney transplant.
Because of his weak heart and other issues, it was a
longer surgery than expected. And after the surgery,
Mark was sent to ICU with a breathing tube down his
throat. He wasn't able to talk at all. I could tell
Mark was very frustrated with the whole situation. He
would consistently try to move and get comfortable. I
knew he was very upset about having the tube in and it
broke my heart to see him go through it.
I thought he was mad at me. The nurses would talk to
him and he would nod or shake his head. When I tried
talking, I would hardly get any movement. I knew he
hated having that tube in and was very frustrated
about his whole situation. I was so depressed and
sad because I didn't want him hurting like that. I
spent the first couple hours after the surgery crying
because of everything Mark had to go through. I prayed
to God to show me some sign that he was okay and he
understood what was going on.
I kept going in every ten minutes--as much as they
would allow me to. Nothing was changing. I could still
tell that he was so frustrated and uncomfortable. It
was heart breaking.
Visiting hours were over at nine, so my mom and I
went in to say good night to Mark. He was still having
problems getting comfortable and was still incredibly
frustrated. I held his hand and explained to him that
I had to leave for the night, but would be asleep in
the waiting room and would come back during the night
to check on him. He slowly nodded and I began to cry
as I softly kissed his hand.
I was still crying as I turned around to leave. My
mom stopped me and turned me around to Mark. His hand
was lifting off the bed and ever so slowly formed our
"I love you" sign. I ran back to Mark's bed and
grabbed his hand said "Oh, honey, I love you, too. Do
you know that?" He squeezed my hand and nodded. It was
then that I knew Mark was okay and everything was
going to be fine. God had sent the sign I had asked
for and needed to see so desperately.

The plan for this month

I'm sorry that I've kind of let you guys wonder what was going on this month. I didn't really know myself until yesterday. It was rather frustrating. I did finally get a hold of my MW Monday night at 9 p.m. (I think I was seriously going to have a nervous breakdown before then). She was concerned about my lining when I told her the numbers. At first she thought we should maybe skip this month but I told her I wasn't sure about that because I know we have to take next month off.

So, she called my RE's office who suggested we continue with the plan but add in estrogen supplements. Thanks you guys who told me about that. :) So this is the plan:

Today is CD7.
CD8-10: Estrogen.
CD9: Bravelle shot (and that STINGS!!)
CD12: U/S to check follies.

I hope this works. We've decided to go with 2 IUIs this month because we're skipping next month. It's more $ but I want to go 100%. If this month doesn't work, we're stopping the Clomid.

At what point do they tell you to do IVF? With how emotional and stressful it was for Michelle and watching others on the board go through it like Tracey and Michell with it not working, I'm not sure if we really want to do that. But, I want a baby. I'm just curious if anyone knows.

Thanks again for support, comments and everything! It means a lot. :)

I'm writing a book

Wow...that's just weird writing it. I've been inspired to write a book. Since starting this TTC journey, I started a journal. In it I have all my charts and the thoughts and feelings and the wonderful comments and poems people have shared with me that have inspired me. Well, I've been sharing the journal to my therapist all along. Yesterday just out of the blue she said I should write a book and use the journal as notes. She said this journey has been so much more to me than TTC and that I've learned much more....very true. She even thought of a name "It's More Than The Baby".

So, that's my new adventure. I'm kind of excited about it. I can share it with my family and show them what we've been through.

Next thing you know, I'll be running for the President of the United States.

I'm in a slump

This post may sound selfish and maybe rude and I apologize in advance. :( But this is my blog and the place to get my frustrations out.

The last week I haven't been myself. I have days where all I want to do is cry. The next day I'm angry....I hate all the women who have ever had children. Then the next day, I can be okay, knowing that God has a plan and that everything will work out. I'm starting to think I'm bipolar or something. :) I think it's just that I'm tired of all this trying with no results.

As a transcriptionist, I type up a lot of reports. Recently I had a report I had to type about a woman who had an elective abortion last May and then right after the abortion, got pregnant again and is now carrying that baby....what the heck? Why does she get the privilege of carrying a baby that she never even wanted and Michelle loses hers? Then, I did another report where a woman was going through a divorce and got pregnant by another man. She didn't want it and is now giving the baby up for adoption, but it was quoted in the report as her saying "I'm secretly wishing for a miscarriage". That struck me hard.

Why? I don't understand. And why are there so many people who are blessed with twins when Michelle can't even have one? Michelle and Nick would be the best parents ever and it's breaking my heart that they can't. I do know there is a reason for everything, but I don't understand why they have to suffer so much and hurt so much...and knowing they are all by themselves dealing with this with no family right there....well, it just kills me.

I'm more sad and upset about Michelle, but of course it hurts me that it hasn't happened for us yet. Mark will be 50 next year and with his health problems, I honestly don't know how much longer he will be alive....not that I think about that all the time, I just think realisitically I guess. So, I want Mark to be a daddy as long as possible and I want our child to know his/her daddy and not just rely on pictures. I don't understand this at all.

I do highly trust in God and know there is a reason....I don't want anyone to think I don't and I've turned into a Satan-lover. :) I just sometimes question why and want to know why some people have to suffer so much. Granted I know Michelle and I have stronger marriages and I think we're both better people because of it and can help others through this. Maybe that's the reason...I don't know. I just hope one day I can look back at this and know it was all worth it.

Kind of poured out my heart here....sorry this was so long. If you read it all, I'll send you a nice chocolate chip cookie. :)

Poem from the board

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother

Memo from the Peanut

To: Mommy and Daddy
From: Your little Peanut

Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks, right Mommy?

I know you've had a rough week. I know you found out I couldn't come to you this month and you found out on Grandpa's birthday. You were hoping Grandpa would send me to you. I know it's disappointing that I wasn't able to come to you. I cried, too. But don't worry about me. Grandpa's taking good care of me and we're having fun. He's teaching me lots of fun things. You might not approve, but it sure is fun!

I saw how sad you were when you found out Michelle had to say good-bye to her peanut. I know Michelle and Nick are so sad and miss their little peanut very much. Can you tell them that their peanut is safely in Jesus' arms and will always be there with them in their hearts? I think that will help them feel better.

And on top of all that, I know Daddy has a scare of Scottie Jr. (kidney) having trouble. Don't worry, Mommy. He'll be okay. He's always gotten through these scares.

I know every month hurts really bad. But I see how close you guys get every month, Mommy and Daddy. You grieve together and you get through it together. It's really nice to see how close you guys have gotten and you guys are going to be the best mommy and daddy.

I know you guys have a lot of hard decisions to make and it's going to be a hard road, but you have so many people and friends who are there for you and support you. This road is really tough but we'll get there as a family and I'll be worth it, I promise.

Oh, and can you tell Auntie Danielle and Uncle Matt not to get rid of their high chair now that Peyton is out of it? I'm coming--really!

I love you with all my heart. Don't give up on me!

Just want to say.....

about a year and a half I came to the board looking for people going through what I was going through and trying to get answers to some of my questions. I have been involved with kidney transplant chat rooms for the same reason....just for answers. I ask them, I get them, I answer others and that's it. Nothing more.

I never would've dreamed that the chatroom would've become my family and my friends. I have made so many friends and have had so much support through all of this. It's so overwhelming to me. I know that when you guys say you cry for me, I know you are. And I know that there are some people who I can call anytime and will be there for me.....Cindy even talked to me for over an hour one day a couple weeks ago when I was having a really bad day when she was suffering from influenza....talk about a true friend.

And, this morning when I got my BFN, it didn't hurt as much as Michelle's news. She's become like a sister to me and I wanted this for her so bad. When I realized that I was more upset about her than myself, I realized what a special board and family I have.

My mailbox has been literally full all day and it's been so encouraging to see all the support you guys have given me. I wish I could send you all hugs and special thanks personally.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I truly love you all and I know I will be friends/sisters with some of you for the rest of my life. I'm so grateful to God for finding the board for me.

((((HUGS))))

BFN

It hurts so bad. I know if it was meant to be, it would've happened. I do think God has a reason for everything and I know He's watching over me. But no matter how much I think that, it still hurts.

Although I'm disappointed about my BFN, I'm more upset about Michelle. I would've given up any BFP for her to have this one stick. I want so much to be there with her and hold her. She doesn't deserve this.

Thanks again for the support you guys.

Progesterone is EVIL!!!

The frames and plaques

Here are the pictures of the photo frames and the wall plaques. Aren't they so cute? The photo frames say "Jesus loves me, this I know". It's so cute. :)

My mom knows now so I can say that my test date is Monday, the 10th. That was Mark's dad's birthday. He passed away a few years ago. He absolutely loved kids and would be thrilled to know that we're trying. Mark took it as a sign. So, that's the day.

As far as the TWW is concerned, I have sore, hot boobs, mostly the nipples, but I've had that before....probably due to the evil progesterone I'm on. I've also had waves of nausea, but again, could be the progesterone. But this cycle, I've been constipated and I've never had that with any other cycle. I'm guessing it could be from the progesterone, but I've also heard that it could be a symptom?? I hope so. I've also been very crabby which has been exciting to my mom because she knows that's a sign. :) Oops. :(

I hope you all are having a great weekend!!

I broke down...

I wasn't going to buy any more PM stuff because I kind of felt like I was jinxing myself and I think my mom was getting a little irritated at me that I was buying stuff and not leaving anything for her to buy. Well, I got my quarterly Lakeside Collection magazine and they had the cutest PM stuff and I just had to buy it. Here are the banks I bought. I had to buy a girl and a boy one because I don't know what we're going to have....although according to my mom she thinks one of each. :) I also bought PM photo frames (boy and girl) and a wall plaque (boy and girl). They are so adorable. The pictures doesn't do it justice.

Not much else to report. Still in the TWW. AF isn't due until next Tuesday. I hope she stays away. I have signs she's coming but I've boarded up the house really good. That should help.

Hope you guys are all having a great week!

Tuesday ramblings

Mark had a really nice birthday. We went out to eat with the boys and Peyton to Olive Garden. It was so much fun. Much to Mark's and the boys dismay, I made the staff sign to Mark. :) I thought Mark would get some ice cream or something, but he got a little cup with whipped cream in it and a candle. Gee, thanks **sarcasm** You would think the Olive Garden would do a little something more. Peyton had a good time eating it. :) Mark had a really special birthday.

Then last night we went out to my Mom and Dad's to celebrate Mark's birthday. It was so cute. They had put a "Cars" theme with the party and had horns, napkins and everything. It was so cute. It meant a lot to Mark. Tyler even gave Mark a little car that he had bought with his own money. It was special. Mark said it was the best birthday ever. I think he says that every year. :)

On the TWW front, I'm 9DPO today. No real symptoms to speak of but I'm trying not to let that get me down. I have a test date, but I'm not going to say because my mom is reading this and I want it to be somewhat of a surprise if it's a BFP. :)

Hope you all are doing great and had a good weekend! :)

Happy Birthday to my honey!

It's Mark's birthday today! We're going to go out to eat with the boys and Peyton which I know Mark will really enjoy. I'm so glad both boys were available....that hardly ever happens. :)

I can't blog too much this morning. :( Peyton is up and running around, deciding that she doesn't like her diaper and would rather run around naked....and I want to make Mark a special breakfast.

I hope you all are having a great weekend!

Uh-oh...Peyton just let out a big toot....gotta run her to the potty. :)

Pictures

Just hanging out

Who said chairs are for sitting?

Tyler and Peyton