Our recent trip to the North Shore

When we were married 14 years ago, we went a couple days at a resort on the North Shore for our honeymoon. Because of dialysis, we couldn't go any longer than that but it was still a nice honeymoon.

We've gone back there every year and sometimes twice a year.

They offer packages in the spring and fall and we take advantage of those. It's not the peak season and the weather is colder but it's also very quiet and not many people which we also enjoy.

I love going up there and I hate coming back. It's always so depressing and such a letdown leaving. It's so relaxing. Anyone who has been to the North Shore I'm sure agree.

One place we always eat at is Betty's Pies. If you're familiar with the North Shore, I'm sure you've heard of that place. If you haven't and you're going up there, you really need to stop there. Seriously. We love it so much and look forward to going there just as much as relaxing on the North Shore.


Here is Hannah at Betty's Pies


In the resort, there is a tic-tac-toe board in the lobby and Hannah loved playing with it :)


Hannah by the fireplace in our room


Hannah of course loved the playground there :)


Just a random picture because I just love her smile so much


Here is Mark and Hannah on the bridge going out to the water shore.


Hannah walking on the bridge


Mark and Hannah walking to the shore with the resort in the background


Hannah super excited to be on the shore :)




Hannah and I on the shore


We tried to take a selfie with the lake behind us. Didn't really work. This is where a selfie stick would've been nice. :) We actually waited for 10 minutes for someone to come and take a picture for us but no one came. I guess we were the only ones stupid brave enough to be out there in that cold.


Mommy and Hannah


Daddy showed Hannah how to skip rocks


Love this picture


Hannah was so excited to see ducks!

Can we go back now? I miss the North shore already so much. :(

My thoughts on Mother's Day

I wanted to write a little bit about my thoughts on Mother's Day. A post from last year popped up on my Timehop app the other day and it was worded so well that I decided to just repost it for this year.

A couple things I would add to this is another reason the day isn't that easy is because of so many friends I know who have lost their daughter or mother tragically and I know this day hurts for them and that hurts me.

Also, while some people say I've "paid my dues" and "deserve to be happy and let it go", it's hard for me to not feel the pain I have in years past, relive it and know there are others feeling the way I have, I can't just "be happy because I've paid my dues". Seeing and knowing others are hurting bothers me more than myself hurting....may not make sense to others but that's the way I am.

Here is my post from last year. It's worded so perfectly to my feelings:


My Thoughts On Mother's Day:
I've never liked Valentine's Day.

Okay, so I know I probably just had everyone look up at the title of this post to make sure this was about Mother's Day. I promise there is a point.

I've been single most of my life so Valentine's Day was always a day to simply remind myself of that fact. And I hated it.

In high school, you could buy a single rose and have it delivered to a special someone on Valentine's Day in front of your whole class. I'd always pray I'd get a rose that day, but of course not from a nerdy, goofy guy.

I really wanted a rose that day. Throughout my years in high school I never got a rose.

I can say I hated Valentine's Day.

Not only did it clarify that I was single but I also had a horrible experience at my work place about 15 years ago where I watched a customer die in front of my eyes of a massive heart attack while I was working all alone.

And then this year my husband coded blue (not responsive) at the hospital on Valentine's Day.

I could certainly do without that holiday.

Mother's Day is kinda like Valentine's Day to me, although I admit now that I have Hannah it definitely is better.

But, for years and years, it was the day I dreaded the most of any day. For years, I still went to church on that day but fought back tears as they asked the moms to stand up and accept a flower. People would still have me stand up as I was a stepmother and "deserved" a flower.

But it certainly wasn't the same.

After awhile I quit going to church on Mother's Day. It was just way too hard. I'd lay in bed and try to sleep the day away as much as I could. I was there for my mom and sister and put on a happy face and wished them a happy Mother's day. But it was so hard. I couldn't wait for that day to get over. It was the worst day of the whole year.

I hated it.

When Hannah came into our lives, I was so excited for Mother's Day. Finally I would get to celebrate it just like everyone else and it was going to be the best day ever!

I was surprised when all those sad emotions came back on that day. Granted, yes, I loved having Hannah to celebrate it with and I felt so blessed and it felt good to be honored as a mother for sure.

But I felt so sad at the same time. So very, very sad.

I thought of all the women struggling to be a mom. I thought of all the years that the 24 hours of Mother's Day were the worst 24 hours of the whole year for me. I thought of all the tears I cried on that particular day. I thought of the times I just laid in bed, wishing that day away.

I knew there were so many women doing that exact same thing as I did.

And my heart was breaking for them.

I've had 3 Mother's Days with Hannah. I've smiled and hugged Hannah and cherished the moment this year when I woke up to "Happy Mubbers Day, Mommy!" and those little arms wrapped around my neck. I'm excited for the handmade cards and gifts she'll be making me and I know that day will be easier now that I have my Hannah.

But I will always cry sad tears, too. It will never be a completely happy day to celebrate for me because I know there are many women out there wishing those hours away.

I know that feeling and it hurts more than anything. It breaks my heart to think of anyone going through that.

Mother's Day will always be a day to celebrate my Hannah and I will enjoy it with her.

But it will always be a day of remembering the struggle, remembering the women with empty arms who want their babies so very bad.

I'll never forget.

An emotional day

The other night I was reading Hannah a bedtime story. She had picked out one of my favorite adoption books for kids "God Found Us You". I love the book and at the end I told Hannah I was so glad God found us her. She smiled really big, gave me a hug and said "Me too. You're the best mommy ever".

Later that night as Hannah was sleeping, out of the blue I got a text from Hannah's birthmother. I was actually pretty relieved as I hadn't heard from her in a long time and that just wasn't like her. So when I saw she had texted I was so relieved that she was okay.

And then she said she really needed to talk to me and asked if I could call her the next day. Last time that happened I didn't have the best experience.

I went to bed holding Hannah pretty tight and I kept thinking of the book and kept repeating the words God found us you----God found us you.

I know we were specifically chosen to be Hannah's parents.

The next day I talked to Hannah's birthmother and while I don't feel comfortable sharing any details and I strongly feel it's Hannah's choice who or what to share, I can tell you since that phone call I have been overcome with emotion and thankfulness to God for bringing Hannah to us. She may not have the perfect life with us but she could've been living a completely different life and not so easy. Completely different.

And the thought breaks my heart. It makes me physically sick and nauseous how things could have ended up for the little girl I love so much.

I'm so glad she is our daughter and she has so many people who love her so much. She is completely surrounded by love everywhere she goes. Everywhere.

Truly amazing.

I also found out that another major misunderstanding happened during the adoption that can only be described as a God thing or Hannah would not be with us. Someone missed the boat.

But it's a good thing God is the captain.

The last couple days I've been so emotional, thanking God so much that Hannah is here and our daughter, thanking Him for choosing us. I look back at Hannah's story and I'm overwhelmed with how much God truly had a hand in this adoption. You can't explain it any other way. We had so many things happen that can't be explained, too many mix-ups, mistakes, things "sliding through the cracks", and yet everything went so smoothly and perfect through it all.

It's enough to bring you to tears.

One day Hannah will know and understand what has happened and I hope she realizes what a miracle she truly is.

God found us you, Hannah, and I'm so honored He chose us.

Hannah's first year of Cubbies

Our church has an AWANA program and when we joined in January, we were excited that Hannah was old enough to be a Cubbie.

It was so fun to watch her with all the other kids. For the most part she had a tough time with her leaving her so most of the time I sat in the back and watched instead of going to my own adult Bible study. Not ideal but certainly worth it. :) I know one day she won't beg me to stay with her and I love watching her sing and interact with kids while learning so much about Jesus.

They had an end of the year program a couple weeks ago in which they sang the Cubbie song and another song and then got awards. Everyone got a participation award and most got a ribbon for finishing a book. Being Hannah didn't start until January, she wasn't able to finish a book and didn't get a book ribbon.

Ouch.

Yep, all the way home we heard about how she didn't get a ribbon and she WANTED. A. RIBBON. NOW!

It took a few days but she's forgotten about the ribbon--I hope. :)

Here are a couple pics from the program:


Hannah sitting next to her friend, Sage, who lives across the street from us and is like a sister to Hannah. I love her so much!


Hannah with her friend, Preston. Hannah was not happy to take a picture with Preston's ribbon.


Hannah with her participation certificate. This picture took many tries as she was screaming about her ribbon. I finally got her to smile but it took a long time.

I'm hoping and praying she gets a ribbon next year. Please, God?

A sermon about Hannah

For years, Mother's Day was a day I purposely skipped church. It was just too hard to go while I desperately wanted to be a mom. You'd hear the same sermon about how wonderful moms were, how they worked so hard, etc. And then of course they'd have all the moms stand up to be recognized.

Pure brutal torture for me. After a few years of forcing myself to go on that day, I simply took the day off, knowing God knew my heart.

Since Hannah came into our lives, Mother's Day has gotten easier but it still holds scars that will never go away (my thoughts on that will be shared in another post). But since Hannah was born, I started going back to church on Mother's Day. Of course the recognition is the same and the sermons are always the same but I make a point to share a prayer request on that day with my church to specifically pray for those women in which Mother's Day is a day of torture for them.

In January, we had switched churches and I didn't know how this church did their Mother's Day celebration. Both Mark and I had a strong urge that we needed to go to this service.

First Hannah and I went to Sunday School where the focus of talk was about not worrying and not being anxious. Well, if that wasn't God speaking to the worrywart in me. I thought that was the reason for me feeling the strong urge to go to church that day.

But I would be pleasantly surprised.

I drove home to get Mark to go to church--the perks of being just 5 minutes away from our church (I love it!). Although he wasn't feeling the best, he still really wanted to go so we all went.

You can imagine the pleasant surprise and joy when the focus of the sermon was on Hannah from the Bible. For those who don't know the story of Hannah from the Bible, the short story is she was a woman who struggled with infertility and prayed to God that He were to bless her with a child, she would give the child back to God to serve Him.

Throughout our journey, I felt so much like Hannah. I cried. I had trouble eating. Although our marriage was strong, I know it bothered Mark that he just wasn't "enough". I got angry at God and even told Him it was good He was up in heaven because if He was in front of me, He would be really getting an earful.

But I also prayed to God that if it was His desire to give me a baby, I would give Him all the glory. I would use this journey in a way to glorify Him. I would tell this baby all about Him, His goodness and I would raise the baby up to know Him. I also prayed that God would use our story in an amazing way that it would bring people to Him.

He answered my prayer in ways I can't even imagine. And that's how Hannah got her name. :)

Obviously the story of Hannah in the Bible is incredibly special to me. So special.

So, you can imagine the wonderful surprise as our pastor talked about the story of Hannah. I couldn't hold back the tears as he went into her story in depth. And I was even more touched when the pastor talked about how women struggling with infertility struggled with Mother's Day.

Even if you knew the story of Hannah, I'm sure people walked out of that service with more knowledge and understanding.

Not only that, none of the mothers were asked to stand up in recognition--a part that had always been so tough for me.

Best Mother's Day service ever.

What made it even more special was that every time the pastor said "Hannah", my sweet daughter's face lit up and smiled ear to ear because he said her name. :)

As she gets older and I tell her how she got her name and the wonderful story of Hannah, I know it'll touch her as much as it touched me. Her beautiful face will light up and she'll be so excited that she was a part of God's plan and that her story is reaching other people all over the world.

She's a powerful girl.

I loved hearing a sermon focused on Hannah in the Bible. I loved seeing my daughter's reaction to hearing her name spoken so much in church. I loved hearing a pastor talk about the struggles some women face with Mother's Day.

And most of all I love that God has led me and my family to this amazing church and wonderful church family.

I've written a book!

Okay so I just contributed to it along with a group of other ladies & I didn't actually publish it but hey, it's my first official published writing. :)

And it's free this weekend! Yep, 100% free!

It's an awesome adoption devotional written by moms all over the world who have adopted. 

Even if you haven't adopted or already adopted I promise it'll touch your heart! 

Please check this out! You won't regret it

And it's FREE!!!

Here is the link:

 

http://www.stillnotthereyet.com/family/parenting/celebrating-moms-with-a-free-devotional/

The influence of coaches

Recently our community was struck with a tragic event in which a youth wrestling coach was stabbed and murdered. The effect it has had on this community has been unbelievable. This coach truly touched the lives of so many.

It made me think of the days I was a coach and how even 3 years later if I run into girls I've coached, they are so excited to see me, giving me hugs and telling me all about the new skills they've learned.

Coaches definitely have an influence.

I graduated from high school over 20 (gulp) years ago and I still think of my coaches all the time. They've all had a big influence in my life, especially one. I won't mention her name but will simply call her Coach.

I've known Coach ever since I can remember. She's always been a part of my life. What really stands out to me is our experience together my senior year. 

I had just started my senior year of gymnastics. I had struggled for 2 years with a nagging back injury that just wasn't getting any better. I was already hurting & frustrated & I just didn't have the heart to be in the sport anymore. 

But there was an award I wanted so much & dreamed about since my sophomore year--the senior athlete award. You get your name forever engraved on a plaque on the school wall& I wanted that more than anything. I knew it was going to be between me & another girl but she was in the popular team sports while I was in the not so popular individual sports. Two sides of the spectrum & I knew it was going to be tough. 

But Coach knew I wanted it bad. She also knew I was in a good position to help her team make it to state. But I also was burned out, hurting & frustrated. 

She sat me down as I cried & told her I wasn't sure I could do it. She came up with a plan to stop working out until a month before sectionals, just do beam, make it to state & having a state trip would increase my chances of the award. 

She put my happiness before hers. She was determined to get that award for me. Even as our team struggled with injuries one after another, she kept encouraging me not to feel guilty, to stick with what we talked about. 

After about a month, I couldn't do it anymore. I remember calling Coach & telling her I wanted to be all 4 events again. She assured me I didn't have to but I insisted. I wanted it--not just for me but for her. She had never had a gymnast go to state in the all-around. I had a good shot & so I made it my goal. 

I still struggled though. I had a hard time with confidence & staying focused but Coach never gave up on me. She'd take me outside & talk & get me confident again. 

She never gave up. 

What really stands out is the sectional meet. It's the meet that decides who goes to state. I was pretty much a shoo in for beam--so I thought. But then at the very end of the routine I fell on a simple move. It shocked everyone. I dismounted & burst into tears. I thought my dream was over. 

To make things worse, I was the last to compete on beam for our team but the first to compete on bars for our team--the next rotation. I somehow had to shut off my beam performance, put on my grips very quick & do the best bar routine of my life if I had a chance to go to state in the all-around. 

I could barely see through my tears as I put on my grips. Coach sat by me the whole time, talking, encouraging, telling me it wasn't over. 

As I was getting ready to mount the bars, still overcome with emotion, Coach said the words that changed me: "I know you can do this Tammy. I believe in you"

She believed in me & I didn't want to let her down ever again. 

As I dismounted on bars & stuck the landing I'll never forget the roar of the crowd & my teammates but most of all I'll never forget seeing Coach jump so high with her arms in the air, running towards me. 

She believed in me. 

I ended up going to state in the all-around & bars & despite my fall, I even went to state in beam & ended up placing 4th in the beam & 8th on bars & all-around out of 25 girls who competed at state. I held 5 school records in gymnastics, was a 4-time conference champion in 4 events in gymnastics that year & placed at state. But what I'm most proud of that year was that I was Coach's first all-arounder to make it to state 

And she believed in me when I needed it most. 

I wanted so badly to do it for her after she was willing to sacrifice so much for me. 

I did end up getting the senior athlete award. It's something I'm very proud of & I know I couldn't have gotten without Coach's help. 

Since I graduated 20 plus years ago (that's a tough pill to swallow), she's been in my life in many ways. 

She was there through some trying times in college. She was there to watch me graduate from college. She read at our wedding. When we struggled with infertility, she was there. When we were in desperate need financially to bring home our sweet Hannah, she donated a generous amount.

Last year when Mark was so sick in the hospital and I was talking to nurses and doctors about putting him in a nursing home, I remembered back to my gymnastics days and Coach taking me outside to get a deep breath and some fresh air when things became too much. I found myself doing that multiple times during his hospital stay and it helped tremendously.

Throughout the years, she's given me tons of inspirational quotes and poems that I've put into a journal and I still refer to it many times. One poem I got my senior year about attitude has traveled with me to college, my refrigerator and now my home office.

20 plus years later and Coach has been a rock to me in so many ways and I think of her all the time.

I want to give special thanks to this coach for always standing by me, wanting the best for me and always believing in me no matter what. We may not talk as much as we used to but her influence has been a major part of the person I am today.

14 years ago

I can just imagine what my conversation could've been like with God 14 years ago today as I'm getting ready to marry the love of my life.

Mark was not doing well that day. Even though it was our wedding day, he had gone through 3 hours of dialysis that morning and was really struggling to get through the day. All of us wanted to put a chair up in the front for Mark so he could rest through the ceremony but he insisted he was fine.

The focus that day was not so much the wedding but trying to get Mark through it and making sure he was okay.

I can just imagine if God had a talk with me that day. He sits me down just before I'm about to walk down the aisle and says "Tammy, I know Mark is very sick. I know you don't think he'll live much longer but I assure you he will get a kidney transplant in another year. Despite all the odds against him, 14 years from now, his kidney will still be functioning great. You will buy a house you love. Not only all that, you will have a 3-year-old daughter you have named after me. I will admit, the journey to bring her home will be long and very hard, but you will have a daughter. You will be celebrating 14 years of marriage in 2015."

I would've rolled my eyes and laughed in His face.

Yep, I would've laughed at God.

Yikes.

Not too many people knew just how sick Mark was when we got married. It wasn't just his kidney, but his diabetes and mostly his heart. At that time there was not only a talk of a kidney transplant but also a heart transplant. We even moved the wedding up because Mark was so sick.

That was 14 years ago.

I often wonder how Mark is still here. I'm so incredibly grateful he is but I honestly just don't get it. Even medical providers are stumped by this. I can't tell you how many doctors have told me medically he shouldn't be here and they don't know how he keeps going.

I like to tell these doctors nothing is impossible with God and only He knows how many days we have.

From the day we said our vows on May 5, 2001, we promised to live for God and put God first in our marriage. We prayed to let Him be glorified in our marriage.

It's such an honor that God chose me to honor Him in this way.

I've heard from a lot of people how they admire us for our dedication to each other and God. How even in the trying times, we look to God. I can tell you we wouldn't be here celebrating 14 years of marriage without God.

Most of all I want people to look at us and realize that only God knows our days here on Earth. No medical professionals can predict when someone will pass on. Mark could outlive us all despite the fact that his health is so poor.

I also want people to realize through our marriage that nothing is impossible with God. Most people know our journey to bring Hannah home. What seemed impossible was possible with God. I feel like Sarah in the Bible when God told her she would have a baby and she laughed. There is no way I could've predicted 14 years ago that we would have a precious 3-year-old daughter....and yet, here she is.

Simply amazing.

Today I'm reminded of the wonderful man I married 14 years ago, that God is most definitely in control and that nothing is impossible with God.

I don't know if we'll make it another year, another 5 or 10 years or even if we'll make it another day. All I know is that we've made it 14 years and it's been a wonderful, faith-inspiring 14 years.

Happy anniversary to my sweet husband. I love you Mark!


Our wedding day May 5, 2001


April 2015