I'm tired, angry and hurt

If you’re looking for a “happy, jolly Tammy post”, this one isn’t it.

I would like to say in advance to any of the TTC gals who will fall into any of the below categories, that it may sound like I’m angry at you or hate you but I don’t. I know you have been in my shoes and although you’re happy for people, you’re also sad and it’s a bittersweet situation. I know you guys understand and are probably the only people who can give me some hope and understanding which is why I post on here. Know that I love you and you guys give me strength and hope.

And I also wanted to say, before I get another “anonymous” letter, that I do love my life and I definitely count my blessings. I have a great husband, a great house, a great life and a great set of family and friends. But, the last time I checked (and this could be debatable), I was human. And humans have emotions because God gave them to us. He gave us happy, sad, angry, excited, jealous, etc. And just because I cry or get upset, doesn’t mean I don’t cherish my life. After all, Jesus wept, too.

Now, onto my post.

A lot of my TTC friends I have been blessed to have met through the NW board. I joined the board in 2006 and I obviously knew nobody on either the TTC side or the Beyond TTC side. But, I got to know so many people TTC and the support was amazing. Slowly, people from the TTC side began moving over to the Beyond TTC side. Fast forward to now, and I know hardly anybody on the TTC side and know just about everyone on the Beyond TTC and some have even had 2 babies in the time that I can’t even have 1.

And it hurts.

I love God. I know He has his plans and they are for the good. And like I’ve told other people, God doesn’t seem to listen to me but that makes Him so smart. I know that if my IVF would have worked, I would be 7 months pregnant right now. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through the last emotional couple weeks with being pregnant on top of it. What if the stress would’ve made me go into preterm labor? What if I would’ve lost the baby? What if we had a baby during all that? How would I have been able to handle both? So, I know God knows what He’s doing. I’m not angry at Him. How can I be angry at someone who has given me so much? But even though I know God has a plan and He loves me, my dream seems so far away.

And it hurts.

And I’m so tired of it.

I’m tired of everyone else getting their BFPs and I can’t. I’m tired of watching another one go over to the “other side”, making it more lonely over on this side. I’m tired of watching others “move forward” while I’m essentially just “standing still”. I’m tired of the fact that I can’t just do another IVF because my first one failed. I’m tired of the fact that we have to go see a psychologist just to be put on a list for donor embryos when teenagers and drug addicts can just get pregnant.

We’ve done 12 IUIs, 1 IVF, a failed attempt at known donor eggs, a failed attempted at a known adoption and a failed attempt at a donor egg study. All I want to do is catch a break. I’ve watched others catch lucky breaks whether through adoption or their husband having “little or no swimmers” and bam! surprise BFP! Why can’t we catch a break?

I’m tired of watching Mark be sick all the time. I’m tired of being scared every day because he’s grabbing his chest. I’m tired of not being able to plan much because we have to see what kind of a day Mark has. I’m tired of talking to doctors more than I talk to my family.

(It may seem like I’m angry at Mark or I’m sick of being married to him…but I’m not! Sooooo far from it. When you have a terminally ill spouse, it just gets tiring and you wish they didn’t have to suffer. That’s what hurts the most and is so tiring. It just gets emotionally draining and yet you wouldn’t want to not be there with him because you love your husband so much).

I hurt because I can’t provide my husband with our baby. I hurt because I will never be able to carry a baby that is 50/50 Mark’s and mine. I hurt because when people see us with Tyler and Peyton, the first words out of their mouths are “I didn’t think you guys had kids.” and I have to explain they are our niece and nephew once again. I hurt because I watch Mark and Peyton together and they are so close and so happy and I can’t provide that for Mark because I have scrambled eggs.

As much as I love my life, I’m angry. I’m angry that my husband has to struggle so much. I’m angry we can’t have a baby together. I’m angry that we never seem to catch a break in anything in our lives. I’m angry watching others move on and me feeling like I’m left behind.

And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

As happy as I am and as lucky as I know I am to be married to Mark and have the life I have, I’m tired. I’m angry. I hurt. I just want to catch a break.

Peyton's birthday party

Here are a few pictures from Peyton's birthday party on May 8 when she turned 3. Where does the time GO????

Pictures of the cake and Peyton blowing out the candles:






Adelaide, Mark and Tyler eating cake

Peyton giving Mark a hug

Me and Sam

Me and Adelaide

Yes, that would be an ambulance. Mark had an insulin reaction and wasn't cooperative in eating anything. So we had to call an ambulance. And of course I had to get a picture. :)

Peyton's new dollhouse

Peyton's new Jeep. We don't know how Adelaide got in the driver's side on Peyton's birthday. :)

Peyton showing off one of her outfits she got. She loves clothes. :)

Being strong

I want to thank those who have said I was strong. I think that is one of the best compliments you can give a person. That and being called an angel. Those are the 2 most precious compliments I feel someone can give to someone. So, to be said I'm strong is an honor. Thank you!

I just wish I could believe it.

I honestly don't feel I'm strong at all. I feel if I was strong, I wouldn't find myself crying so much. I don't feel I would be seeing a therapist, like seeing a therapist is seen as a "failure"....although I have to admit, I do think seeing a therapist has helped sooooo much and I think seeing a therapist isn't a "failure" as much as a very brave thing to realize that there is no shame in getting some emotional support through a tough time.

But, I'm afraid if people saw me and saw how much I get sad, how much I cry into Mark's arms, how crabby I sometimes get, how some days it takes so much strength just to get out of bed, how some days I cry because another person got a BFP on their FIRST FLIPPING TRY and how some days I cry because someone is TTC their second when I haven't gotten my FIRST yet....that they would see me as so weak rather than strong.

(to those falling in either TTC category, please know I don't hate you and that I really love you! Some days it's just so hard to see that and as much as I'm happy for you, I'm selfishly jealous and sad for me....so please know that I don't hate you!)

I guess I don't see myself as strong. I really think Mark is the strong one. He's the only going through so much and yet he still has to give me the pep talks and the strength. Yeah, it goes both ways and I sometimes have to give him the pep talks....maybe that's why we get along so well. :) But, Mark has never once said "why me?" and he's always said he would rather go through all the health issues than have it be someone he loves going through it. He has always been there for a hug, even when he's going through a tough time.

I do wish I was stronger. I wish I didn't cry so much. I wish I could see more of God's plan and the positivity in it. I do try as hard as I can and I do see the positive....just wish I could see it more.

So, to those who have said I was strong...thank you. It really means a lot. It's such an honor to hear that. And even though I don't always believe it, it really has helped me to wipe those tears and stand up a little straighter and give me a little more strength.

It's amazing what a few words can do, isn't it?

(((HUGS)))

A Mark update and thank you!!!

Thanks so much to everyone for your thoughts, prayers and wonderful comments. They mean so much.

Mark is doing much better. He did have a little insulin reaction last night but as far as his chest pain is concerned, he's feeling much, much better. Yesterday, he was even able to climb a very steep hill despite the fact that I begged him not to go down it in the first place. He just looked at me with the big puppy eyes and said he wanted to. So, I let him. But, he had no chest pain at all and felt good. That makes me feel even more certain that this weekend he had a heart attack with him feeling so much better now.

Sunday was not a good day for me. I was really down. I didn't think I could handle anymore. I didn't want to cry in front of Mark so I went into the bathroom while he was resting and just bawled. Then I felt much better. I hadn't cried all weekend and so I needed to.

Then that night, Mark and I had a heart to heart talk. He told me he was very worried about me and I asked him why. He said undoubtedly he would go before me and I nodded...I understand that. Then he said he's worried I won't be happy and he wants me to be happy. I started crying and Mark held me. I told him I was going to be okay and he just held me and kept saying he wants me to be happy. Then he pointed at my heart and said he will always be there.

I realize I'm very scared of losing him....so scared. I know it will happen, but I'm soooo not ready for it. Someone who has lost her husband told me that you think you can be prepared and people can say/do anything to get you prepared, but you never will be prepared.

I just can't imagine going on with my life without him. We have been giving each other a lot more hugs and kisses and holding each other the past few days. It just seems like life is just too short and every moment we have I want to spend with him, just holding him and letting him know how much I love him.

But, in the big picture, the time here on Earth is so short compared to eternity in heaven. Like I've told Mark, it's only a short time until we see each other in heaven and then it's eternity.

It's still painful though. I love him so very much.

Update on Mark--need prayers

This is copied from an e-mail I sent to family and friends, so this may be a repeat for some:

Hi everyone! I hope you're having a great Memorial weekend!

I wanted to let everyone know how Mark was doing. This will get long and I apologize in advance for the length.

Here's the short version: Mark has been doing cardiac rehab since his heart attack and has been doing great with that and getting stronger. But this week he has had 3 bad episodes and we would appreciate prayers.

Here's the longer version for those who are interested: Mark has been going to cardiac rehab 3 times a week and exercising for almost an hour every day. He's been really pushing himself and doing great and I'm so proud of him. He says he feels like he has more strength and has been feeling better.

But, he has had a really bad week with some really scary episodes, unfortunately, and we would appreciate prayers.

On Wednesday morning, I had given him his routine insulin shot with only long-acting and no short-acting insulin. His sugar was borderline low at that time at 64. Within 45 min, he was unresponsive, foaming at the mouth and seizuring and was down to 22. I gave him a glucagon shot which he usually responds to within a couple min, but he didn't and I had to give him another one. Luckily, he did come to and was better. But, his sugar shouldn't have gone that low that fast with the shot I gave him and it was pretty scary. The doctor has made some insulin adjustments so hopefully that works, but even the doctor doesn't understand what caused it to happen.

Then Saturday, he had gone out for a short walk with Tyler. Tyler had come back alone and said Mark was still coming. A few min later, I saw Mark coming clutching his chest and I ran out to him. All he could say was "Chest and jaw pain. Need nitro." Luckily, that took his pain away and he was feeling better, but still very scary. Apparently he would have had Tyler come get me, but Tyler was running ahead and Mark was in too much pain to yell to him.

Then today at church, we were standing and singing when Mark had some upper back pain kind of like his pain he had with his heart attack. He took a nitro and sat down. Then he told me he was feeling really dizzy. Then, he wasn't responding to me and went completely limp and started seizing a little. My dad and a couple other guys got him out of church and out the door. It wasn't his sugar, as we tested that, and we think it was the nitro that brought his blood pressure so low that it caused him to pass out.

These are all pretty new things for Mark and it's pretty scary. We're pretty nervous as they all happened so unbelievably fast. We're pretty sure he had another heart attack with these episodes but without it documented, it's hard to know for sure.

I never took him into the ER and I do want to explain why before I have tons of e-mails wondering why.....I would be questioning it myself if I weren't in my shoes. 5 years ago, I would have with brought him in with Mark kicking and screaming. But, at this point in Mark's life, I respect his wishes. I feel he's been through enough and I want to do what he wants to do. And I know if something were to happen, I at least was respecting his wishes, and that's important to me. I know he'd go in for me, but at the same time, I want to respect his decisions and wants. I know it's hard to explain and understand unless you've had a terminally ill family member and I do realize that.

Please keep Mark in your thoughts and prayers. As much as I try to get him to rest and relax when this happens, he insists that he wants to "live life", "go on" and not "live cautiously" and I admire him for that. Sometimes I think he's just a little too stubborn, though. :)

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. It is very much appreciated.

Just a quickie.....

Hmmm....I say that to Mark all the time. :) Just kidding!

I've been really busy with our garage sale and stuff that I haven't been able to blog or check up on others too much....so sorry!!!! I have been thinking of you all and checking up on people. :)

I want to send congrats over to Ashley, who just got her BFP!!!!, to Kami, who had AWESOME embies for her transfer!, to onemorebaby, with the addition of her two kids :)

Special prayers to Tiffany, who is on bedrest and having problems with her pregnancy, Megan, who has had some bleeding and a threatened abortion.

And good luck to Amber, who just underwent a transfer!!

We had another scary episode with Mark yesterday. :( He went out for a little walk with Tyler during the garage sale. It was only a couple blocks. Tyler came back before Mark and I asked him where Mark was to which he said he was still coming. I saw Mark coming a few minutes later clutching his chest. I ran out to him and all he said was "Chest and jaw pain. Need nitro". So, I ran into the house, grabbed his nitros, and got him sitting. The nitro took the pain away very quickly, thank goodness. He was so wiped out afterwards and still having some neck pain.

Apparently he would have told Tyler to run and get me, but Tyler was already running way ahead and he was in so much pain he couldn't yell after him. Tyler did get a talking to about running ahead and not being with an adult, especially on the road.

He said it was almost like his heart attack, but not quite that much pain, but very close.

It was so scary. I feel so bad for Mark. It seems he just can't catch a break. :( It gets me really down and nervous sometimes.

Welcome ICLW!! **Second post of the day**

Welcome ICLW! For those who don’t know what it is, check out the link on the right.

For those who don’t know me, I want to give a little history of me and the reason I put this blog together, the wonderful world of infertility.

I married my hubby in May 2001. He has struggled with a lot of health issues. He’s a diabetic and has had 3 documented heart attacks. He’s had triple bypass surgery and a kidney transplant. Our struggles have only brought us closer together and God has gotten us through them. God is so good to us.

In July 2003, Mark was feeling better after his transplant and we decided to try for a baby. We tried the natural way for almost 3 years off and on as Mark continued to struggle with health issues and had to endure hospitalizations at times.

In March 2006, we saw our doctor about our infertility struggles. We started doing research about things and talking to more and more doctors. It seemed like it was a never-ending thing as all infertiles know.

In April 2007, we started IUIs. After 12 BFNs, we decided to go onto IVF. Although I responded great to the meds and had a great number of eggs retrieved, only 4 eggs fertilized but failed to divide. Although the genetic testing came back normal, we were told it was most likely an egg quality issue and we were told we would have to use donor eggs.

Since then we have tried to do a known donor cycle which didn’t work out because of the distance, a known adoption which didn’t work, a donor egg study which didn’t work and are now currently have an appointment to get onto a donor embryo list at our clinic.

More details of our journey can be found on the right along with our IVF blog describing our IVF journey.

Thank you so much for coming to visit my blog! It means so much to me. I hope you continue to follow my journey and I hope to follow yours and get to know each other so much better. I wish you all the very best in your journey.

Our new car

My convertible has been with me since 1998, about 11 years. We’ve been through a lot together from my college days (don’t know how that thing made it through those days), to my dating days with Mark in which I had some embarrassing moments including when driving with him and having my laundry in the back of the car with my tiger-printed underwear (which he now really loves). And of course with Tyler and Peyton, many fun memories as they loved having the top down. My convertible has been in many parades. It’s had a run on with a deer in which it caused the horn to start blowing and I couldn’t turn it off….pretty embarrassing. I’ve had some pretty good memories with that thing.

Tyler has told me many times that I can never sell that car and I assured him I wouldn’t unless that thing gave out on me. I loved having a convertible.

So, you can imagine the pain when the car would start overheating just driving a couple miles. We found out there was a leak and it would cost a few hundred dollars to fix it. Plus, the air-conditioning was broke and that would be about $500. The car was worth about $1000. So, it was a no-brainer that we needed to get a new one rather than fix it up and a “reliable” used car was almost as much as a new car and with the new car, we could get 5 years of 0% financing. So, really a no-brainer when you think about it.

But, I was scared. Not so much about getting a new car….but the wrath of Tyler Matthew Park. I asked his mom to tell him but she was not going to go there. If I was going to break his poor, little heart, I had to do it.

Crap.

I put it off as long as I could. It was a Thursday afternoon that we had to go pick up our new car and I had to pick up Tyler from school with Mark. I begged Mark to break the news to Tyler. Of course Mark said there was no way he was going to break the little guy’s heart. Thanks for the support, honey.

So we pick up Tyler from school and he asks what we’re going to do this afternoon.

I said “Well, I think we’ll get a new car”

Tyler said, “A new car? You’re not going to get rid of the convertible, are you?”

After a little pause, I said “Well, yeah, Tyler, we kind of have to”.

Tyler’s chin starts quivering.

I looked at Tyler and said “Oh, please, honey, don’t do that. I’m sorry, but the convertible is broken and we can’t fix it.”

Tyler’s eyes start filling up.

“Oh, Tyler, I’m so very sorry. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t have to. Isn’t that right, Mark?”

Mark said “Well, yeah. We would keep it if we could.”

Tyler said in between his chin quivering and trying not to cry “But I like the car. You can’t get rid of it.”

I said after a little silence “Well, I did make cookies. They’re at home and you can have one, or maybe two.”

Tyler’s eyes go wide and suddenly he seems to forget about the car “Really! Are they really big cookies?”

Whew…..”Yes, they are big!”

It’s funny what a couple big cookies can do.

Here is my convertible with Tyler:




Here is our new car, a 2009 Chevy Aveo:

Work, work, work

My blogging has kind of taking a backseat the last few days. :( My life just isn't the same without my blogging and checking to see how everyone is doing.

For the last week, overtime has been approved by my clinic which never happens so I've been taking full advantage of it. I've been working about 10-11 hours a day since Saturday....so basically working 10 days straight. It makes me a little tired, but I'm going to love my paycheck. With our new car (oh! I just realized I haven't put up a picture...I gotta do that!), now our truck needs some work, when overtime was approved, I decided to take full advantage of it. :)

And then a few days ago, I decided I was going to have a garage sale this weekend to earn some money for the peanut fund. Yeah, I'm crazy...I mean who decides to have a garage sale in a week? I guess we'll see how it goes. :) You'd think after working so much I'd just want to relax with a nice long weekend, but no....I want to torture myself. :)

We did have a big scare this morning and it took me a couple hours for my heart to return back to the normal beat.

I had tested Mark's sugar at 7:15 and gave him his shot....just like I always do. He was at 64 which is borderline low but not too bad. Usually Mark gets up at 7:45 or so and we have breakfast together. This morning, it was 8 and so I called out to Mark to get him up for breakfast. He didn't answer and after calling out another time with no answer, I ran into the bedroom. I found him drenched in sweat, very pale and foaming at the mouth. I knew his sugar was low and tried to give him some sherbet, but he couldn't open his mouth.

Then he started seizuring. I immediately got a sugar shot and gave him some sugar. I tested him then and he was 22 (very low as normal is 90-120). He started choking so I sat him up and was holding him while he was seizuring, not able to talk or anything. Usually he responds very quick to a sugar shot, like within a couple minutes, but this time he was still seizuring after 5 min so I gave him another shot. I just held him, telling him how much I love him, telling him he was going to pull through, telling him how proud I was of him....all the time while thinking Oh please God, help him! Pull him through this! I can't lose him! I need him!. I wanted to cry, but I had to stay strong for Mark.

I really didn't know if he was going to make it, but he pulled through. He's pretty wiped out and pretty sore from flailing his limbs so much, but he's okay. That was one of the worst reactions I've ever witnessed with him.

And for those wondering why I didn't call 9-1-1, I can do something they would do but I can do it faster and get the sugar into him faster. Had he not responded after awhile, I would have, but I didn't want to leave him either to go get the phone and I was hoping it would be just a matter of time. I don't want people thinking I'm a bad wife. I just know how to respond in an emergency like that and I know what works for Mark and I can do it faster.

On a positive note, I got to hold Mark this morning (something I don't get to do every morning like that), I got to tell him many times I love him, I got to help him and support him, I got a huge "Thank you" from Mark and huge hugs and once again, we were reminded how precious life is and how much we mean to each other. It makes for a great rest of the day. As much as it is so scary going through that and it really sucks, I cherish it and appreciate Mark so much more because of it.

I just wish everyone could experience that.

Happy Birthday Rachel and TTC update

First of all, head over to Rachel and wish her a happy birthday! She's a very special friend of mine and she's got a heart of gold. I hope she has a great birthday. Happy birthday, Rach! I love ya!

I realized that I wasn't too informative about our TTC efforts in the last post and I wanted to let everyone know what was going on.

I decided I was tired of not doing anything and not really knowing what to do. I wanted to do SOMETHING at least. I've been checking out studies all the time, just in case and I've been checking out clinics with donor embryo waiting lists to see how long of a list they are. All of them seem to be the same...a couple years and you have to be an established patient.

With Mark's health and my work situation, we've decided that traveling just isn't a real good idea right now. Technically, with our trip in February, my "unplanned" PTO is such that if they really wanted to get rid of me, they could. So, I don't want to give them another reason to let me go. So, we've decided traveling just isn't going to work for us.

So, in order to get on the list at our clinic, we need to see the psychologist (the same one who made me cry last fall :(). After we see her, we will be on the list. We were kind of putting this on the back burner as I really didn't want to see her, plus our clinic seems to be twice as expensive for frozen transfers as others. But, now, we've decided to go ahead and at least get on the list. Then I will feel better at least knowing we're doing something.

And who knows what will happen in the next couple years. Maybe I'll win the lottery and we can do as many IVF cycles as we want....okay, so I have to buy a ticket in order for that to happen. Anything can happen and it can happen so fast. But, this way we will at least know we're doing something.

So, we see the psychologist on June 6. Then once she gets the report to the doctor, we'll be able to get on the list. :) I hope God provides for us sooner rather than later, but I know it's in His hands and I trust Him.

So, there ya go. :) We would appreciate any and all prayers. Thank you!

Memory quilts

I wanted to upload some pictures of the latest memory quilts we have done. Thanks so much to Chocodaisy for letting me share hers. :)

My mom and I LOVE doing these for people. It's been so much fun to hang out with my mom and earn a little money for our peanut fund. We're almost to the point that if we got on the embryo donor list and received embryos, we would be able to do a frozen transfer! It's so exciting! And it's thanks to soooooo many people who have ordered memory quilts or blankets, so THANK YOU! It truly means a lot!

I also have kids blankets available now and new designs of baby blankets. :)

If you would like to know more about the memory quilts and the blankets, see our other blog: Wondra Peanut Fund

Thank you so much for the support you guys! It's so nice. Our baby will definitely be shared amongst so many wonderful people. :) (((HUGS)))

So precious

This is me and my great-niece, Draven. She is the most precious, beautiful, good baby I've ever seen and Mark and I love her so much.

If I could have 10 of her, I would.

Our marriage with different priorities

Mark and I don’t have a typical marriage, especially for a 33-year-old. Our priorities are a lot different. We worry about medications, shots, doctor’s appointments and money. Other married people I know worry about jobs, kids, money, house repairs, etc. Both types of marriages definitely have struggles. In fact, everyone has struggles and no one can say who has it worse or who has it better. We all struggle, unfortunately.

I do admit, there are times, I wish I had a “normal” marriage for a 33-year-old. I wish we didn’t have to worry about doctor’s appointments and medications and our lives didn’t revolve around doctors and meds all the time. That my husband would go to work in the morning instead of sleeping all day and that I could call him at work and ask him how his day was going. That he would be working hard in the garage and I would have to yell at him to come in for supper. That he wouldn’t be around on a Saturday because he was out golfing with the guys. That we could take a walk without going half a block and having to turn around because it was too much on Mark.

Yeah, sometimes I wish that with all my heart. Maybe that makes me a bad wife for admitting that.

But, I know that wouldn’t be “us”. I’ve heard quite a few people who have told me that they wish they had my marriage and life and that they envy me. I admit, I used to be confused by that. Why would someone wish to have an ill husband and struggle with infertility issues?

But, honestly, I wouldn’t trade this marriage and life for anything. And I’m beginning to understand why people would say that to me.

Talk about confusing, huh? Sigh…..

There isn’t a day that goes by that I wake up so grateful to have Mark snoring by my side (and he sure does snore :)), that I’m grateful for the sunshine, that I’m grateful to hear Mark get up for lunch, that I’m grateful for a hug and a kiss, that I’m grateful for the times in the doctor’s office when we’re holding hands because we are anticipating bad news, that I’m grateful for the kisses of relief when his kidney numbers come back good, that I’m grateful that Mark can even walk as I know diabetics have had to have their legs amputated. I could go on and on.

Our priorities are different, but I believe we cherish life more because of it. We don’t take our time for granted. And I even cherish the times he is in the hospital or has an insulin reaction as we get through it by hugging and loving each other and lots of hugs when it’s all done. It’s like those times help us realize what is really important.

So, even though sometimes I wish we had the “normal” stressors, I’m grateful that we don’t. I’m grateful that we have the stressors that fewer people have because they have changed our lives and because of them, we look at the sunshine, life and world different. There are more smiles, hugs, love and gratitude.

People have said we have an amazing love and that they wish they had the love we have. I wish that for everyone. I’m so lucky and honored to be Mark’s wife for the last 8 years.

Just a little humor

Here is what happens when you try to get 4 kids to pose for a picture...

"Okay kids, let's get together and take a picture, okay?"

"Ready! Everybody look! And smile!"



"Okay, guys, that wasn't a good one."

"Were any of them looking at the camera?"

"Nope. And Sam's crying. We gotta cheer him up."

"All right! Sam's better. We'll try this again. And smile!"



"Was that one better?"

"Well, Sam's not crying and Tyler's looking at the camera, but Adelaide was looking at Sam and I don't know what Peyton was doing."

"Adelaide, you gotta look at the camera, okay, sweetie?"

"Let's try this again. Okay, ready? And smile!"


"How was that one?"

"Well, we got Adelaide looking at the camera now, but Peyton's counting her eggs."

"Peyton, honey, we need you to look at the camera right now. We can count your eggs later, okay?"

"Okay, kids! We're going to try this again! You guys ready? And smile!"



"Adelaide was looking at Sam again, wasn't she?"

"Yep. But, hey, we got Peyton looking at the camera now!"

"Should we try one more?"

"Yeah. Okay kids, just one more! Then I promise we'll be done. I know this is getting really old."

"Yes, Peyton, we know you have to go potty. You can right after this one, okay? Ready kids? And smile!"



"Were any kids looking at the camera?"

"Nah, but at least they were all looking up!"

"Cool. We'll take that. :)"

I love taking pictures of the kids. :)

I also wanted to share this. A few days ago, we had gone out to eat with Mark's oldest boy. He graduates in a month from a tech school for auto mechanics. He was talking about graduation and how in his field, he is never really done with schooling as he constantly has to keep going to classes and learning new things.

Mark was taken back by that. "Wow. Things sure have changed. In my day----"

"You just hooked the horse up to the buggy?"

I couldn't resist. I just had to say it. :) Luckily, Mark has a good sense of humor and we all had a good laugh over it.

And I would like to say:

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY EVERYONE! To those who are blessed to have children on earth, to those blessed to have angels in heaven and to those who are mothers in their hearts and just waiting for their miracle.

I hope it's a special day for you all. (((HUGS)))

Angels Among Us

I’m still working on a post about Mark. It’s so hard to put your feelings into words about the man you have spent the last 8 years with.

In the meantime, I want to share with you guys something special that happened yesterday to me.

I was talking to a friend yesterday morning and we were talking about Mothers Day. As my IF friends know, Mothers Day is a tough day. And it seems to get tougher as your infertility journey gets longer. Anyway, I was talking to my friend about it. I felt it was going to be harder this year because of the failed IVF and our 4 baby angels who didn’t make it. She said in her mind I was a mother, but she said she knew I didn’t believe it….and I didn’t. In my mind, being a mother is the sleepless nights, hugs, tears, smiles, etc. and actually showing the world you are a mother.

That night, after spending a few very long hours at a car dealership where we had to say good-bye to my wonderful convertible that decided to clunker out (more on that later), we decided to grab a quick bite to eat at the restaurant next door. Neither one of us felt like going home and cooking.

Lo and behold, my friend and her daughter were there eating and we sat right next to them. They were leaving almost right when we got there. We talked for a little bit and then they were on their way.

After we were done eating, the waitress brought over the bill facedown, just like normal. I turned it over. There was no bill, just a slip of paper, and it read: “Happy Mothers Day from your 4 children”

I started crying and I couldn’t stop. Mark came over to my side and held me for awhile. I’m sure I looked like quite a sight. Even when we tried to give the waitress a tip, she said that was covered too.

It was an amazing experience. Not only did my friend do the most special thing ever and truly showed her love to me, she also made me realize that I am a mother. My friend may have done it, but really, my 4 angels helped as we just happened to be at the exact same restaurant and they knew how much I needed to know I was a mother. It was no coincidence.

I believe there are angels among us, sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and me in our darkest hour to show us how to live, teach us how to give, to guide us with the light of love.

They wear so many faces, show up in the strangest places, grace us with their mercy in our time of need.

I am so grateful to my friend who really is my angel and I love her so much. I am a mother and now I realize that. The only difference is, my babies are in heaven and not on earth. But, I am a mother and one day I will meet my children face to face.

Eight years ago.....

....was the best day of my life and it just keeps getting better.

Today is our eighth anniversary. I will be writing more later, but today I wanted to share our story of how we met and leading to our wedding. I know others have read it before and it's kind of long (sorry), but worth reading. :)

Mark and I met in June 1996. We were both working at a gas station, Mark as a second job and me as I was going to college. I’ll never forget the first night we worked together. Neither one of us were talking to each other. Finally, Mark looked at me and said “You’re even quieter than I am”. I looked back at him and asked “Well, what do you want to talk about?”. I think I caught him off guard as he just shrugged and we were both quiet again. Later that night someone drove off without paying for their gas. I was working in the back room when all of a sudden, I heard Mark yelling, “They drove off without paying!” and was very upset. I remember thinking it was pretty cool that he was so worried about the drive-off, but thought he was kind of a dork, too, because he made such a big deal out of it. We still talk about that drive-off and our first time we ever met.

It took a long time before Mark and I became friends. He was just another co-worker for a long time. I’m not sure when we really became friends but we started talking more and doing more together. Mark was 17 years older than me, but he didn’t look like it and didn’t act like it. We got along great. At first I never even considered that one day we would be dating much less getting married. I mean, he was “old”, you know?

We started hanging out a lot—almost every night. A couple other co-workers and I would go over to his house and play video games. That was our thing. Mark became my best friend and I knew we would be friends for life. I remember telling him that I wanted him there at my wedding and I wanted him at the hospital to hold my first baby. How ironic is that? There were so many times I thought about dating him but I knew if we broke up we wouldn’t be as good of friends and I didn’t want to lose our friendship.

During the time we were friends, I knew about Mark’s health issues with his diabetes, but it never bothered me. There was a lot of diabetes in my family, so I grew up with it and didn’t really know any different. I think in some ways, I was more drawn to Mark because of it.

Our first date wasn’t really even planned. My whole family had gone away to visit my brother. I had to stay home because I had to work. I was so down about it. Mark was determined to make me feel better and took me out to a fancy restaurant to eat and then we went back to his house to watch “Erin Brockovich”. That was the night our friendship went a step further (just kissing!) and changed our lives forever. That was in September 2000.

Mark and I got engaged the Friday after Thanksgiving 2000. At that time, Mark was feeling pretty good. We knew that his kidneys were failing and that he would need a transplant, but he was still working and still feeling pretty good. I had always wanted a Christmas wedding (because I'm such a Christmas freak :)), so not long after we got engaged, we set a date for December 1, 2001.

In February 2001, Mark started getting sick really fast. He could hardly get out of bed. He stopped working and went on disability. They didn't want to start dialysis and wait for the transplant because they thought it would be easier on his body. Well, in March, it started getting so bad that we made the decision to start dialysis. During this time, it was very stressful for me and hard. I was an emotional wreck.

At the end of March, I had gone out to eat with my parents just for fun and to get out of the house. Mark wasn't feeling good, so he stayed home. At the end of the meal, we had the usual fighting over the bill. For some reason, it really struck a nerve and I just started bawling...right there in the middle of the restaurant. My parents asked what was wrong and I honestly didn't know. At that point, my mom started crying and both my mom and dad started telling me about how worried they were about me and how I was going through so much. I was 24 at the time. At that point, I realized I was scared that Mark wasn't going to be healthy enough to get married in December, that he might not make it and that we didn't know when the transplant would be. Plus, financially I knew it was a problem for Mark because he only had his insurance.

My parents then asked why we were waiting until December. I didn't know....guess we were just waiting. My parents then suggested getting married as soon as possible when we knew Mark was "okay" and then financially, things would be less stressful during the year because Mark would have his insurance coverage and my coverage also. We thought it was a great idea and set a date for May 5, 2001. Both families were 100% behind us and thought it was great. I mentioned to our families that I was a little disappointed as I've always wanted a Christmas wedding, but as long as I was marrying Mark, any time would be okay. They immediately said they were going to give me a Christmas wedding....who cared if it was in May? Our families worked soooo hard for us and I still get tears in my eyes thinking how much they did for us to put a Christmas wedding together in 6 weeks.

What's interesting is that I had talked to my pastor in the church where I grew up in about our plans. He was not for it. He said we were getting married for the wrong reasons. He agreed to meet with us for counseling but said Mark had a lot of baggage we had to work through (he's been divorced). That upset me....what happened to not judging people? So, we found another a pastor who would marry us who knew me from my childhood days. When I told him Mark had been divorced, he simply said that it says in the Bible that divorce is wrong, but everyone makes mistakes. I knew we had found the right one. That made Mark feel so much better.

We had our Christmas wedding on May 5, 2001....but we still celebrate December 1 every year. So, we have "2" anniversaries. :) It's still warms my heart so much how much work everyone did. It was the perfect Christmas wedding. The pastor even dug out the Christmas decorations and decorated the church for Christmas.....right before he went out and mowed the lawn. :) There were candles in the windows and even though it was 4 in the afternoon in the middle of May, we still had a "candlelight" ceremony. It was beautiful.

I thought I was doing better.....

Remember in that last post about the IVF study using donor eggs and how they never called back? Well, lo and behold, they called last night. I wish they never would have called.

The study was great. It was from a clinic in Cincinnati, Ohio. They match you up with a donor, do her retrieval and freeze the eggs. Then they mix them with the sperm, get me ready for the transfer and do the transfer. You’re guaranteed 6 embryos and you’re guaranteed a transfer. This is all for only $6000. That’s including the meds. That’s a HUGE bargain.

Then I found out we would have to go to Cincinnati 4 times. When I asked if we could do any of it up here, she said no and that everything had to be in Cincinnati. I could see her point. I mean, they’re doing the study. But, we all know that with work, traveling that much is not an option and with Mark’s health, it wouldn’t be a good idea anyway. So, I turned it down.

I was bummed. So disappointed. But, I knew it wasn’t meant to be and with them calling me back, I knew for sure and there was no question in my mind.

It got me thinking, though. Even if we are blessed to save enough money for a donor IVF cycle and even if it’s right here in the Twin Cities, work will not be supportive in having that time off. No matter where I do it, it won’t happen. Maybe things will calm down in awhile and maybe their hearts will change so I can go ahead…..just maybe. And that’s if we’re able to save enough. But, we can’t afford for me to lose my job obviously.

Our hearts are open to adoption but with Mark’s health, it would be very, very hard to get approved.

So, it got me thinking last night. I will probably never have a baby with Mark. That’s a hard pill to swallow. I really don’t see how it can happen. We will never have that joy together. It hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe when I think about it.

But it got me to realize some things:
1. We DO have 4 babies who are in heaven waiting to meet their Mommy and Daddy.
2. We got to experience all the trying, tests, trips, IUIs and IVF. We went through that together.
3. I was able to give Mark the best part of “raising a child” with our relationship with Tyler and Peyton. Luckily, my sister is so sweet to let us spend so much time with them and we are so close to them. We get to spend enough time with them that Mark doesn’t get too wore out and then when they are getting to be too much, we send them back to Mom and Dad.
4. Mark is always telling me “I promise I’ll get you a baby somehow”. And I know he will. Even if he dies before that dream comes true, I know in my heart that even if I adopt a baby, Mark will be the daddy. Or if I get married again and have a baby with another man, Mark will always be the angel daddy and I will tell my baby about the wonderful angel daddy who brought him/her to me.
5. Right now, we can concentrate on being together, raising money for our baby, still working towards the goal knowing God knows what is in store and just enjoy spending time together.

God has shown me lately that He is there and that He is in control. I do trust Him and, although the news I get is hard to bear sometimes, I try to look at the bright side of things. Although it seems that every door we open just slams right back into our face, we have been shown that God is right there beside us. We know God loves us and He doesn’t want us hurting. Sometimes I question things and why we just can’t get one door that stays open, but I know God knows the future and he has good plans for us.

Like my mom once told me “God will explain it all in heaven and we know it has to be good because there are no tears in heaven.”

I Saw God Today

Okay, not really, but when I was thinking of a title for this post, that country song came into my mind.

Thank you so much for your support the last few days. It really, really means a lot to me. (((HUGS)))

In the last couple weeks, God has really shown that He is there and also that He is in control. It’s really amazing to me.

1. One of my friends had to put her dog to sleep last Friday. I felt so bad for her and her family and I thought of them all day. They were putting the dog to sleep at 4:30. At 4:00, I was really thinking of them and at around 4:20 I said a special prayer. I saw her the other day and asked how the family was doing. She told me about that day and she said at 1:00, she had this strange sensation that someone was thinking of their family with the dog situation. She said then on the way to the vet, she drove by my house and she felt and knew I was praying for her. She said it was such a strong feeling and it gave her strength. When I asked what time it was, she said….you guessed it…..4:20.

2. Mark has been having episodes where he gets lightheaded and dizzy and his vision gets scrambled. They usually only last a minute or less than that. The doctors aren’t sure what is going on, but don’t think it’s a TIA or a stroke, but more related to his blood pressure. Anyway, Tuesday night, he had another episode, only this time, it wouldn’t go away. We were in bed. Finally after half an hour, it just stopped. Of course I didn’t sleep at all that night. Yeah, I know, I should’ve brought him in. But Mark really didn’t want to go in and at this point in his life and with everything he has been through, I respect his decisions.

The next day I ran into a friend who asked how Mark was doing. She told me that she had been doing her daily devotions the night before and she said that around 9:30 she had a strong urge to pray for Mark and I and she did. She told me it was the strangest feeling. I told her it wasn’t so strange and explained what happened. And, yeah, you guessed it again, it was about 9:30 when the episode stopped.

3. A friend told me of an IVF study using donor eggs. I immediately called the clinic. The one who was in charge of it was out of the office for the day so I left a message. I knew if it was meant to be, it would happen. I never got a call back. I know you guys are saying “Try again! Don’t just give up!”, but when I called, I knew if it was meant to be, they would call back and with all that we’re dealing with right now, I want God in control and I know He would have them call me if it was meant to be.

There was also another situation that I can’t go into detail on this blog, but God has shown me that now is not the time for a baby.

BUT, that doesn’t mean we aren’t still trying. We definitely are. I still look for studies, still searching. But I’m putting it more in God’s hands. I want Him to show the way. The amazing thing is that I checked on our baby fund yesterday and I was amazed at how much was in there. It was all money we had put in there, but it sure adds up fast. So, I know God has plans for us for a baby. There’s no doubt in my mind about that. I do feel that He’s telling me not to give up and to keep trying, but right now is not the time.

He has good plans for me. He’s always there and He’s shown that to me this week. And with all we’ve been through with Mark, I’ve needed to know that He was there. I know those situations were not coincidences. I was meant to experience each and every one of them.

God is so good.