I thought I was doing better.....

Remember in that last post about the IVF study using donor eggs and how they never called back? Well, lo and behold, they called last night. I wish they never would have called.

The study was great. It was from a clinic in Cincinnati, Ohio. They match you up with a donor, do her retrieval and freeze the eggs. Then they mix them with the sperm, get me ready for the transfer and do the transfer. You’re guaranteed 6 embryos and you’re guaranteed a transfer. This is all for only $6000. That’s including the meds. That’s a HUGE bargain.

Then I found out we would have to go to Cincinnati 4 times. When I asked if we could do any of it up here, she said no and that everything had to be in Cincinnati. I could see her point. I mean, they’re doing the study. But, we all know that with work, traveling that much is not an option and with Mark’s health, it wouldn’t be a good idea anyway. So, I turned it down.

I was bummed. So disappointed. But, I knew it wasn’t meant to be and with them calling me back, I knew for sure and there was no question in my mind.

It got me thinking, though. Even if we are blessed to save enough money for a donor IVF cycle and even if it’s right here in the Twin Cities, work will not be supportive in having that time off. No matter where I do it, it won’t happen. Maybe things will calm down in awhile and maybe their hearts will change so I can go ahead…..just maybe. And that’s if we’re able to save enough. But, we can’t afford for me to lose my job obviously.

Our hearts are open to adoption but with Mark’s health, it would be very, very hard to get approved.

So, it got me thinking last night. I will probably never have a baby with Mark. That’s a hard pill to swallow. I really don’t see how it can happen. We will never have that joy together. It hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe when I think about it.

But it got me to realize some things:
1. We DO have 4 babies who are in heaven waiting to meet their Mommy and Daddy.
2. We got to experience all the trying, tests, trips, IUIs and IVF. We went through that together.
3. I was able to give Mark the best part of “raising a child” with our relationship with Tyler and Peyton. Luckily, my sister is so sweet to let us spend so much time with them and we are so close to them. We get to spend enough time with them that Mark doesn’t get too wore out and then when they are getting to be too much, we send them back to Mom and Dad.
4. Mark is always telling me “I promise I’ll get you a baby somehow”. And I know he will. Even if he dies before that dream comes true, I know in my heart that even if I adopt a baby, Mark will be the daddy. Or if I get married again and have a baby with another man, Mark will always be the angel daddy and I will tell my baby about the wonderful angel daddy who brought him/her to me.
5. Right now, we can concentrate on being together, raising money for our baby, still working towards the goal knowing God knows what is in store and just enjoy spending time together.

God has shown me lately that He is there and that He is in control. I do trust Him and, although the news I get is hard to bear sometimes, I try to look at the bright side of things. Although it seems that every door we open just slams right back into our face, we have been shown that God is right there beside us. We know God loves us and He doesn’t want us hurting. Sometimes I question things and why we just can’t get one door that stays open, but I know God knows the future and he has good plans for us.

Like my mom once told me “God will explain it all in heaven and we know it has to be good because there are no tears in heaven.”