Our wonderful supportive doctors

I’ve been debating on whether or not to post about this. I don’t want people to look at my situation and think it’s the “norm” and get hurt in the process.

I’m getting ahead of myself, so I’ll back up.

For those unfamiliar with IVF, you have a package price you pay upfront before it starts. That covers all the ultrasounds, lab draws, retrieval, transfer, etc.

The day after my transfer was cancelled last fall, I talked to my RE for quite awhile. We went through some options and he talked about how uncommon it was, what a shocker, etc. At the very end, I just casually mentioned if I would get a refund because I didn’t do the transfer. Without hesitating, he immediately said “Absolutely. I’ll have you talk to M and we’ll work it out.”

I had just assumed the obvious—you don’t do the service, you don’t pay. I did receive a little refund and it was even a little more than I had expected. I was very grateful for it.

After that, I had moved onto the known donor. I had gotten about 4 different packets from 4 different clinics to compare. On every one of them, it clearly stated that the package price is the same regardless if the services are used and no refunds are issued. After I read that on all 4 packets, I looked at my old packet from my RE’s office. Sure enough, it clearly stated no refunds. I couldn’t believe I had missed it. I’m sure they had said something when we originally started the IVF process but being the blonde I am, I didn’t think of it.

So, the next time I talked to the clinic, I asked to speak with M. I apologized for being so rude about the refund and I told her I realized that it says no refunds. I was touched when she said “Tammy, this is such a rare situation and we feel so bad. It’s the least we can do.”

We were so blessed to have such a wonderful caring clinic like that. It breaks my heart that I wasn’t able to get pregnant and help their stats. Instead, I brought them down and after how nice they were, it makes me feel bad.

Now, as I said in the beginning, I don’t want people to think that is the “norm” and I don’t want people going to their clinic saying “I know this chick whose transfer was cancelled and she got a refund.” Let me emphasize that I should never have asked and what they did was truly an act of God as they certainly didn’t have to do that by any means. It was clearly stated no refunds would be issued for any services not received. I know I’m truly grateful and truly lucky.

It made me start thinking about how lucky we really are when dealing with doctors. Mark has seen over 40 different doctors since I’ve known him. Admittedly, while I know they are doing a great job, it’s hard to find ones that we really like. Maybe we’re too picky or something or maybe it’s because we’ve seen so many that we know a good one when we have one. But, we’ve been touched by some incredible doctors and I’d like to share with you some examples to show how blessed we have been and how there really are some good doctors out there!

1. My midwife. When we didn’t have infertility coverage 2 years ago, she offered to do IUIs for free. Luckily, we had coverage the next month so it was covered and then she was able to make lots of money on us but the fact that she was willing to do that for us really meant a lot.

2. Our chiropractor. She has given me 2 free adjustments that she didn’t have to do. One was when Mark was in the hospital and the other was right after our transfer was cancelled.

3. Mark’s nephrologist (kidney doctor). Right after Mark’s transplant, he was pretty sick and traveling was very hard on him. His nephrologist’s office was an hour away. However, he came up to our area once a month for dialysis patients which was a mile away from us. He offered to see Mark there once a month instead of driving and when I said he could charge us extra for that, he said he wouldn’t think of charging us anything. He just knew how hard it was for Mark and he wanted to help.

4. Mark’s primary doctor. Literally the day before we left for Florida, Mark got a lot of swelling in his leg and there was concern for a blood clot. Mark had an ultrasound done which found no dangerous clot but due to the swelling, the doctor said he had some kind of clot and to keep an eye on it. I told him I was really nervous about going to Florida for a week now away from him and thought that his family should take a vacation with us. He kind of laughed and then said “You have our home phone number, right?” I said I did. “If you need anything, just call. I’m right here. I’m either at the clinic or at home. You know how to get a hold of me. I don’t care what time it is, call me anytime if you need me.” I thought that was really nice.

5. My therapist. I have her home phone number, work number, work direct number, cell phone number, pager number, work e-mail address and home e-mail address. I’ve used them all and she always says it’s great to hear from me even though I know it’s gotta be annoying. :(

Okay, so I know everyone has doctors they love and then those they love to hate. We have been very blessed with the amount of support and love we have gotten from doctors. It shows they are there for the patients and not necessarily for the money…although that's gotta help. :)

Too many times we focus on what goes wrong rather than what goes right and we’re truly lucky and fortunate to have the support in the medical field that we do.

I need prayers for a few blogger friends

I hate it when people are hurting. I just wanna fix it. :(

I have a couple blogger friends who are hurting right now and it kills me. Please keep them in your prayers:

Kami: She recently had an egg retrieval where she had 18 eggs, only 9 were mature, only 5 fertilized and only 1 survived and they did a 3-day transfer today. She is so sad. Please say prayers for her.

Tiffany: Her DH's grandpa had a stroke. :( Their family needs prayer please.

I also have another friend who I'm not sure if she would want others to know, but I know she's hurting and she has really been on my mind today. You know who you are sweetie. :) Please keep her in your prayers, too.

Also, go over to Jody and sing happy birthday to her! It's her birthday today!

An emotional night that showed me how blessed I am

Please head over to Kami's blog. She's having her retrieval this morning at 9. She's such a sweetheart who loves the Lord so much. I'm so excited for her.

Last night was an emotional night for me. It probably sounds like I’m the biggest baby and I don’t appreciate what I do have and I focus on what I don’t have. But, it’s the complete opposite and I have reasons for telling you guys I’m a completely emotional wreck and down sometimes.

Last night my whole family came over. Thursday nights are our family night where we get together. Usually we watch Sur.vivor together as we are all big fans of that show.

Anyway, last night, Tyler was in our guest room (hopefully soon to be the nursery). He was playing with a bunch of dominoes and building towers. Despite Mark not feeling well, he was down on the floor playing with Tyler and knocking over the towers. Every time they would knock down a tower, Tyler would laugh hysterically. The sound of his laughter is one of the best sounds I’ve ever heard. And to see Mark down on the floor with him and fighting through not feeling good just to play with Tyler was an amazing sight for me.

Then, when Peyton came in, the first thing she does is run over to me like she hasn’t seen me in years. She wraps her arms around my leg and says “I love you!”. She’s never done that before and it warmed my heart. The rest of the night she was an “Auntie Tammy girl” and she let everyone know that.

And, then she decided she wanted to call Draven on her play phone. She said Draven was her best friend. She was talking up a storm to her. How I wish Draven could be a part of her life all the time.

So, it was a little emotional. I want a baby. I want to see that for myself every day and not just with Tyler and Peyton. I want to be a mom.

But, as I was choking through my tears, I realized something. I am sooooo lucky to have a wonderful niece and nephew whom I am so close to. I’m so lucky my sister lets us see them so much. I’m lucky we get to have our Thursday night/Friday baby-sitting days with Peyton. I’m lucky I get to pick up Tyler from school every Thursday and Friday. I’m lucky that they call me at least once a week. I’m lucky I get to volunteer at Awa.nas at church and spend even more time with them. I know my brothers aren’t nearly as close to them as we are and I’m so lucky I get to be. I don’t remember being this close to my aunts and uncles and I cherish my moments with Tyler and Peyton.

Then, last night as I was almost asleep, I heard Mark whisper to me “I’ll see you in heaven.” I immediately open my eyes and kind of freak out. I said to Mark “Don’t say stuff like that.”. Mark softly touched my cheek and said “Tammy, you’re an angel and angels are in heaven.” Another moment with my husband I will never forget.

I’m so blessed. I have the best husband and a niece and nephew whom I couldn’t love more. God is so good to me.

Pictures of Mark's party

Here are some long-awaited pictures of Mark's birthday party


Mark with Adelaide

Mark holding Draven

Mark with his boys

Tammy holding Sam

Adelaide

The food

The party was a blast

Peyton got herself dressed in the morning and she didn't want her shirt changed to the way it was supposed to be as she was so proud she got dressed herself. :) So she went through the whole party with her shirt on backwards....but she was very proud!

Mark holding his cake

Special story

I got this from a friend today and I wanted to share it:


Cherokee Legend

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of Passage?

His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him and
leaves him alone.

He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not
remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun
shine through it.

He cannot cry out for help to anyone.

Once he survives the night, he is a MAN.

He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because
each lad must come into manhood on his own.

The boy is naturally terrified, he can hear all kinds of noises.
Wild beasts must surely be all around him, maybe even some human might do him harm! The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could become a man!

Finally, after a horrific night the sun appeared, and he removed his blindfold. It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him...he had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.

We, too, are never alone. Even when we don't know it, God is watching over us, sitting on the stump beside us. When trouble comes, all we have to do is reach out to Him.


Moral of the story:

Just because you can't see GOD, doesn't mean HE is not there.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight."

Heartache

I want to thank all of you for your wonderful support lately. It means so much to me and I love getting the comments as they always seem to come when I need them the most. So, thank you!

I know all of us are dealt with heartache in our lives. Please know that I could never compare my heartache to anyone else’s. No one knows how a person feels. One thing that really bothers me is when people say “I know exactly how you feel”. I just want to say “Really? Because my shoes are still on my feet so I was wondering how you got in my shoes”. That comment ranks right up there with the question “Have you thought about adoption?” Sigh….

This next part is going to sound negative, but I have a point, so bear with me.

I feel I have had a lot of heartache in my life. Not just with the infertility stuff but also with Mark and his health. Going through the transplant was a horrible experience for us. We had setback after setback after setback before we actually had the transplant (if you want to read the transplant story, the link is to the right). I would never wish that experience on anyone as it was horrible to live through. I was only 25 at the time and thinking I was going to lose my husband before we ever got to the transplant.

But, I look back and I realize it all ended up the way it was supposed to. And it truly is a miracle that it has been 7 years with no rejection episodes at all! Looking back, I’m glad the other 2 brothers were rejected because obviously Scott was a perfect match for Mark. I know I don’t know the reasons for all the setbacks, but the end result was perfect.

With our infertility, I also feel I’ve had a lot of heartache. We tried the natural way—heartache. Insems with Clomid, progesterone, injectables--heartache. Detox diet—heartache. IVF--heartache. Known donor IVF—heartache. And lately more heartache. It seems like every time I put my heart out there and take a risk, my heart just gets broken. I watch others take risks and put their heart out there and they get their dream. I can’t lie….it hurts. And I struggle with being angry at God. I know deep down there is a reason. But I feel I have been obedient to Him throughout this and I guess sometimes it makes me angry that He lets me be heartbroken so much.

But, unlike the transplant experience, I can look back and know each heartache had a reason. I definitely know that. I know I’ve said that many times on this blog and I probably sound like a broken record, but sometimes I need to repeat it to make myself feel better.

And I know with the transplant, it did end up the way it was supposed to and I’m grateful we went through that to get the outcome we had. We had to wait a few extra months for the transplant, but to have 7 wonderful years, I can definitely handle an extra few months. I just selfishly hope that I don’t have to go through much more heartache with our infertility journey. I can’t keep putting my heart out there and taking risks to have it be broken.

I’d like to close this long post (so sorry) with something my therapist said yesterday that really got me thinking. Mom, if you’re still reading this, you may cry. When I get really down, Mark will tell me that he’s going to get me my baby some way. I know he means well, but I usually tell him not to make promises he doesn’t know if he can keep. I don’t mean that bad or negative or to hurt his feelings….just being realistic. But I know that sounds sooooo heartless.

Anyway, I was talking to my therapist about it and she disagreed with me telling Mark that and explained why. She said that if Mark dies before me, knowing Mark and how much he loves me, he’s going to be like my guardian angel and he’s going to protect me. If Mark dies before I have a chance to be a mom, she said knowing Mark, he will help me get my baby and I can always know that he did help me bring my baby to me. She said God can speak through people and I need to have more of an open mind.

I admit, it’s really depressing to think like that. But, Mark’s always told me that no matter what happens, he will always be with me and be there for me, no matter what. And I believe him with all my heart. So the next time he says he’s going to get me my baby some way, I can look at him with a smile and say “Thank you honey”.

Of course I don’t know if I will ever be a mother, but as we all know, hope is the one thing we definitely can count on in this journey so we need to hang onto that as much as we can.

Password protected post

Protected: Sunday

Posted by: twondra on: March 22, 2009

In: Uncategorized
14 Comments


I really hate it when Mark is right.

It was just a casual lunch and mostly talking and reassuring Adam since his recent diagnosis of diabetes. Mark talked to Adam quite a bit about it while I got my Draven fix.

I realized something though. Draven’s not going anywhere. Jess is apparently on new meds and is doing very well. She has apparently been enjoying the baby more. There were comments made throughout our visit about how Jess “hopes Draven grows up to be an outdoors girl”, that soon she’ll be asking Jess why she colors on herself (Jess has tattooes) and also how she’ll have to put up with Draven “faking sick” to get out of school. There were other comments, too, that made me realize that Draven was definitely not going anywhere.

Jess did seem happy and seemed to really enjoy Draven and was talking to her quite a bit. And Adam was obviously very much in love with Draven, although he did seem kind of depressed.

I don’t understand it. I mean when I talked to Holly on the phone and explained things, it seemed like us adopting Draven was an obvious possibility and like they were leaning towards it. When I saw them all with Draven today, it was pretty obvious that it wasn’t going to happen and I actually felt bad being there invading on “the family”.

I really wanted Jess to realize what a gift she had in Draven and how precious she was. You could see today that Jess was happy, although she never did hold her at all, but she was fighting a bad cold. But, I had been hoping she would realize how precious Draven was.

And now that I’ve seen that she does, I’m being selfish and I’m disappointed. Isn’t that horrible? All I’ve wanted is what is best for Draven and now I feel like God has shown me that Draven is where she should be at. But, I feel bad because I’m selfishly sad about it. I admit it, I want Draven. I want her. But, at the same time, seeing how much Draven is loved, I think there is no way I could ever take her away from them…no way. I’d feel like a wicked, horrible person if I did that.

So, today I’m wondering why God chose me to put me in this position. Why did this ever become a possibility if once again, my heart is being broken again. Why does ever situation happen with me having the heartache? Why can’t God’s plan happen for my favor and not everyone else’s all the time? I know those are selfish thoughts, but I’m sick of the heartache. All I want is to be happy.

And what frustrated me is that I was quiet the whole way home while it didn’t seem to bother Mark at all. In fact, he was talking up a storm and at one time he looked over and said “you’re so quiet…you must be tired”. Then realizing that wasn’t it, he asked if I was mad at him. Honestly, I was upset because he didn’t seem to see what I saw and that it didn’t bother him…I know, he’s a man, and that should explain a little. But, when I finally explained it all to him and why I was upset, he just said “we want what’s best for Draven” which I agreed. Then I said, “You have to admit, she’s not going anywhere. She’s staying with them.” To which Mark nodded, so he knows as much as I do.

I’m so sick of the heartache and so down. Why do I even take risks if they never go in my favor? Why even try anymore?

And why can’t they just come right out and state the obvious: They’ve decided to keep Draven. Why keep us in the dark?

I usually try to look on the bright side of things, but I can’t today. My heart is breaking and I needed to get this out.


14 Responses to "Protected: Sunday"

1 | Kathryn (babyblueprint)
March 22, 2009 at 5:58 pm

I’m so sorry that the lunch was rough for you. I dreamt about you and Mark last night and woke up feeling the need to pray for you both. I’m so sorry that this has been such a long, hard road. I wish that I could give you the answers you seek, but only God can do that. You obviously have so much love to give and everyone around you is so lucky to receive even the smallest portion of that.


2 | Shan
March 22, 2009 at 6:58 pm

I’m so very sorry sweetie. That must have been so rough and I can’t imagine where you continue to draw your strength from. Huge hugs.

Shan

3 | onemorebaby
March 22, 2009 at 6:58 pm

Ah sweetie… I am so sorry this is rough on you and mark. All I know, and I know it with ALL my heart, is that there is a bigger picture. God knows the ins and outs of how and why we are going through what we are going through. There WILL be a point when we can look back, while holding a baby in our arms and say… “Of course! It makes PERFECT sense now”…. Please hang in there… I will be thinking of you. (((hugs)))


4 | michelle
March 22, 2009 at 7:16 pm

Im sorry Tammy. I dont know what to say. Nothing I say can stop your hurt. I wish I could stop your heartbreak. I hope God soon shows us why all this has to happen. I cant take it anymore. :(

5 | maliasmama
March 22, 2009 at 7:50 pm

Tammy, NOT to give you false hope, but what you saw/heard today may not mean anything.
Remember that suicides (awful comparison I know) will often seem happiest just before they do it.
I just know that you are meant to have A baby, and maybe it is not this one, but you have learned one thing- you can love someone not from your womb. I know you are worried about Mark’s medical history preventing you from adopting, but you never know until you try, right?
Blessings and a hug!

6 | Amy
March 23, 2009 at 7:36 am

Oh honey, I’m so so sorry! I have been in your shoes. Ryan and I were going to adopt….. a 16 year old girl was having a girl and we were up to adopt her. Then sadly a blood clot went through the cord and the baby didn’t make it. I was heartbroken because I, once again, wasn’t going to be a mom. For some reason I was lead to change RE’s and 6 weeks later was pregnant. Don’t give up! I know how much you are hurting and how you feel like you can’t go on anymore. How you pray for the hurt and desire to go away. We are right here for you and will help lift you up. We are all cheering for you!

Why is it that husband’s can be clueless sometimes? They are all alike in that respect. It’s a good thing we have us girls!\

Hugs!

7 | mrslala
March 23, 2009 at 11:10 am

Oh sweetie. I had a friend who had an unplanned pregnancy while Hubby and I were still TTC. She told us that we could adopt the baby, but then proceeded to take a bunch of anxiety medication and miscarried. I was *so* upset…but obviously God had other plans for me. He has other plans for you too. Perhaps he was trying to open your heart to adoption? I don’t pretend to understand how all of these things work – but I know that it will all work out for you in the end, that you will have peace, and that you will be happy. Sending you ((hugs))


8 | Jody
March 23, 2009 at 12:08 pm

I’m sorry Tammy.

I know nothing I can say, can take away your hurt. So please know that I’m thinking of you and keeping your in my thoughts and prayers.

I just know that eventually you will have a baby.

XOXOX,
Jody

9 | us4
March 23, 2009 at 1:22 pm

i just now started reading your pw protects. is is heartwrenching and difficult to be around family who have newborns. i just ducked out of something because of that very thing. it is just too hard.
take care of yourself . that must be very maddening that one person tells you it is a possibility and then you go and see all that in person. there are no words.


10 | Montana's mom
March 23, 2009 at 8:46 pm

I wish I could take all of your pain away! I don’t know what to say to you to make this better but I can give you ((HUGS))


11 | DaniKel
March 24, 2009 at 9:48 am

Oh Tammy. My heart is with you. I wish I knew what to say. But I don’t. This is another loss. Another loss that I wish you did not have to go through.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

(((HUGS)))


12 | Nancy Watkins
March 24, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Gosh Tammy. I didn’t know all of this was going on! I’m praying for you and hang in there.



13 | Tiffany
March 25, 2009 at 9:39 am

I am so sorry. For us girls we must take risks in order to succeed, and most of the risks do indeed involve a lot of heartache, even though it completely sucks. I am praying for you and Mark and hoping that your dreams will soon come true. Draven is lucky to have someone like you in her life.


14 | stacey
March 26, 2009 at 9:19 pm

Sorry I’m late reading this. I can’t imagine how you must have felt when the realization came over you. I’m sorry you are disappointed and upset, but it is understandable. You obviously have the baby’s best interest at heart. And yes, husbands are great, but sometimes they just aren’t affected the same way that we are.

So sorry.

7 years ago today.......

First of all, I have a password protected post on my other blog:


Protected: Nervous

Posted by: twondra on: March 21, 2009

In: Uncategorized
5 Comments


Last night, Mark called Holly. They had just gotten back from Texas so he was calling to see how the trip was. Mark also wanted to know how Adam was doing as Adam had just been diagnosed with diabetes a week ago.

Holly invited us over for lunch on Sunday. She said she had been wanting to invite us over for a long time but never got around to it. She said she has pictures of Draven for us and she said then Mark can talk to Adam as he is really overwhelmed with this whole diabetes thing. Holly said I can get my “Draven fix”, too. :)

So, I’m really nervous. We never get invited to their house. And now we’ve let them know we would be interested in adopting Draven and now they invite us over and Adam and Jess will be there. I have a ton of thoughts going through my head and mostly that I’m afraid they are going to tell us that they are going to keep Draven. Which I can definitely handle if that’s the way God wants it. Of course it’ll be hard, though.

I’m just really nervous. I mean, here I will be with my in-laws who know we would love to adopt Draven and it’ll be the 6 of us with Draven. I just think it’s going to be so uncomfortable and I’m so scared about what’s going to happen. Mark thinks it’s just an inviting over for lunch and so that he can talk to Adam and nothing will be brought up about Draven at all….which could be the case. It just seems too coincidental to me.

So, how do I get through this? What advice do you guys have for me? I’d appreciate anything. :)


1 | Jody
March 21, 2009 at 12:58 pm

Well, just pray before you go…and tell God “it’s in your hands, lead me on what to do or say” and it will come to you Tammy.
I wish you all the luck!!

2 | Kathryn (babyblueprint)
March 21, 2009 at 2:40 pm

I agree with Jody, deep breaths and prayer for God’s love and direction.
You can do this! Whether it is a relaxed family dinner or a huge conversation about the future, you can do this!


3 | michelle
March 21, 2009 at 9:27 pm

Tammy, I been wanting to ask you about Draven but wasnt sure if I should because I knew you would blog about it if there was information you wanted to share.

Dont be scared. Whatever happens is what God wants to happen. Im hoping this all goes smoothly without anyone getting hurt.

You can do this. You are so strong and smart. God only gives you things you can handle. Otherwise- we’d all commit suicide. LOL, Ok, lame joke there…but you get my drift.

You can do it. Please let know what happens. Im going to be wondering until you tell us.

My advice, just take a deep breath, ask God to give you peace and strength and everything will be ok. I promise.

And gosh…I wish it was Sunday for you already like it is for me. Now I have to wait until Monday my time to know what happened!



4 | Montana's mom
March 21, 2009 at 10:34 pm

Just take a dep breath and stay calm. God will get you through it!!!!!


5 | maliasmama
March 22, 2009 at 12:11 am

I have no idea what is going to be said, but I do know one thing- you put your feelings out there, and rather than running from them, and from you, they are EMBRACING you in Draven’s life, even drawing you in further. My thoughts? Get the nursery ready :)








7 years ago today, Mark had his kidney transplant. It's amazing to me that it has been that long and Mark has done so well. He has never had a rejection episode which is a miracle in itself. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful that we didn't end up in the ER that day from fluid overload, that I don't have to drive him for a 3-hour dialysis run every other day, that he can sleep in his own bed and not have to sleep in a recliner because of fluid overload.

Every year on this day I'm reminded about the miracle Mark went through, but every day I think about it and am reminded that God has been so good to us. It truly is a miracle.

In honor of this day, I'm going to post something I wrote shortly after Mark's transplant. It's been published in a few of our local papers and also our church newsletter. I've touched a lot of people with this. I know I've posted it before but I'd like to share it again. Here it is:

LOVE SIGNS

Ever since we started dating, Mark and I have always had a special love and bond. We are always together and so much in love. Maybe it is his sickness that has brought us so close together.

Mark has been fighting diabetes for over 40 years. In 2000, he started showing signs of kidney failure due to his illness. Two months before we got married in May 2001, he was forced to start dialysis. Every other day was spent driving him up to the dialysis center. I was fortunate that I worked across the street from our house and was a couple blocks away from the dialysis center. I could always drive him there and pick him up. The hardest part about it was dropping him off and leaving him, knowing I wouldn't be talking to him for at least four hours. Having my uncle die in 1988 on the dialysis machine made it even harder to leave him.

Mark has always been a very quiet, shy guy. Although he's always been very romantic and has always treated me like a queen, he's never been one to show a lot of emotion in public or around other people. I, on the other hand, love to show emotion at all times. I've always been one to say "I love you" when I'm leaving Mark for even a minute. Even just going to the bathroom or to another room, I'm always giving Mark a big kiss and telling him how much I love him.

Well, you can imagine how much it bothered me leaving Mark at dialysis without being able to say "I love you" or showering him with kisses. It would have been too much for Mark. So, to make us both happy, we made up our own "I love you" hand signal. It was a hand signal that only the two of us knew and a way that both of us could be satisfied. I could leave knowing the last words I "said" to him were "I love you" and Mark didn't have to say it in public. It was a perfect set-up.

This went on for almost a year until his kidney transplant. I would drive him up to dialysis every other day and every time I left him, we would give each other the hand signal.

In March 2002, Mark had his kidney transplant. Because of his weak heart and other issues, it was a longer surgery than expected. And after the surgery, Mark was sent to ICU with a breathing tube down his throat. He wasn't able to talk at all. I could tell Mark was very frustrated with the whole situation. He would consistently try to move and get comfortable. I knew he was very upset about having the tube in and it broke my heart to see him go through it.

I thought he was mad at me. The nurses would talk to him and he would nod or shake his head. When I tried talking, I would hardly get any movement. I knew he hated having that tube in and was very frustrated about his whole situation. I was so depressed and sad because I didn't want him hurting like that. I spent the first couple hours after the surgery crying because of everything Mark had to go through. I prayed to God to show me some sign that he was okay and he understood what was going on.

I kept going in every ten minutes--as much as they would allow me to. Nothing was changing. I could still tell that he was so frustrated and uncomfortable. It was heart breaking.

Visiting hours were over at nine, so my mom and I went in to say good night to Mark. He was still having problems getting comfortable and was still incredibly frustrated. I held his hand and explained to him that I had to leave for the night, but would be asleep in the waiting room and would come back during the night to check on him. He slowly nodded and I began to cry as I softly kissed his hand.

I was still crying as I turned around to leave. My mom stopped me and turned me around to Mark. His hand was lifting off the bed and ever so slowly formed our "I love you" sign. I ran back to Mark's bed and grabbed his hand said "Oh, honey, I love you, too. Do you know that?" He squeezed my hand and nodded. It was then that I knew Mark was okay and everything was going to be fine. God had sent the sign I had asked for and needed to see so desperately.


Mark sees Scott (his donor) for the first time after the surgery

Tyler is student of the week!

Tyler was student of the week this week! So to celebrate, my mom made a cake for him


Tyler with his cake. That's a dragonfly on his cheek in case anyone is wondering. They were doing face painting at school today.


Tyler showing his cake to Mommy and Peyton

We're so proud. :)

Questions running through Tammy's head

Maybe you guys can help me out here. I'd appreciate anything you can give me. :)

1. Is the song "Good Vibrations" really about farting like Mark says or am I just really gullible?

2. When Mark was at his defibrillator check and we found out about his heart episodes and the doctor had left the room, Mark said he thought the heart thing was from too much sex and I busted a gut laughing saying "yeah, right". Was that too inappropriate?

3. When the nurse had trouble finding Mark's pulse on his arm, I stated it was because he had no heart. Again, too inappropriate?

4. What does it mean when poop sinks or floats?

5. When we were in Wal-Mart, Mark single handedly unsnapped my bra after I told him he wasn't capable of doing it. I went around Wal-Mart with a bra slipping down my shoulders. Was that mean of him or did I have it coming?

6. Has anyone else heard of a Pap smear as a "grand opening"? Mark thinks I'm making that up.

7. I long to have that moment when I'm holding my baby and he/she looks into my eyes and I can feel how much love he/she has for me and how much he/she needs me as much as I need him/her. When is that going to happen? Will it ever happen?

Prayers needed for Mark **second post of the day**

Yesterday Mark had his defibrillator check. He gets it checked every 3 months where it tells us how many episodes of fast heart rhythm he has had. Usually Mark has a good report and has only 1 or 2 and sometimes none. Unfortunately, this time, he had 187 episodes, with 150 being in the last week. Mark has had no symptoms at all from it and hasn't felt it.

After the doctor gave Mark the option of adjusting meds or undergoing an angiogram, Mark immediately said we'd try adjusting the meds. He does not want an angiogram and I don't blame him. We will be seeing the cardiologist in a couple weeks and having another defibrillator check in about a week and a half to make sure the adjustments are working.

Please keep Mark in your thoughts and prayers that the medication adjustment will help. It's really odd and strange that all of a sudden in the last week he has had problems. He joked that he was just so excited about the nice weather or it could've been he was nervous from my driving that caused the episodes. :) At least he keeps a sense of humor about it while I'm sitting there freaking out. It does sound like this will work out, but of course, anyone who knows me knows I worry. :)

Thank you so much everyone! We sure appreciate the prayers!

My Infertility award!

I got this award from my dear friend over at The Pifer's Journey Through Infertility. Thanks sweetie!!! (((HUGS)))


The following is for all my infertility friends...this is something we all can relate too...

This award is for all the infertility women out there who have experienced all or some of the following.....



* If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs
* If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand
* If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy
* If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you
* If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen
* If you know what a cootercam is
* If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry
* If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try
* If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "your still young"
* If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family
* If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with
* If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours
* If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section
* If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only
* If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby
* If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!"
* If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in
* If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"
* If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant
* If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC
* If you know what an RE is
* If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper
* If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "What is she doing in there?"
* If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any
* If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case
* If you can't wait to see the peak symbol
* If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns
* If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex
* If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant
* If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up about your situation and to have faith!!!!!!


Rules for posting award:

Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"

Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

Here are my nominations:
1. Caroline
2. Journey to a "Wondraful" Baby
3. Tracy
4. Onemorebaby+
5. Kami
6. Two Moms With A Plan
7. Michell
8. Jill
9. Stacey
10. Jess
11. The Pifers

Okay, yeah, I broke the rules. :( I have a tendency to do that, don't I? I truly feel all the above are worthy of this award. These people are soooo open with their infertility and inspire me so much. So thank you!!!

And, to make the list somewhat not so long, I stuck with the ones who haven't gotten their bundle of joy yet. There are soooooo many bloggers out there who have their dream but have been so open with their infertility...you know who you are. :) Thank you so much for that!!

Follow your heart

Five years ago when we first started on this journey, we had decided that if having a baby didn’t happen the “natural” way, we weren’t going to talk to doctors. We thought if God wanted us to have a baby, we would have one the way we were intended and we didn’t want to seek a doctor’s help.

God changed our hearts.

After seeing more doctors than I can count, driving hundreds of miles and spending thousands of money, we went on a journey including 12 IUIs. After the 6th IUI, we were told that women in my age group usually got pregnant within 3 IUIs and that our chances were getting slimmer and we should start thinking about IVF. We weren’t comfortable with IVF at all. We didn’t believe in it and were adamant that we would not do it…just ask my mom. She can vouch that we did not want to do it. So, we continued with IUIs thinking the next one just had to be the one.

God changed our hearts.

After doing much research and talking to other Christian women and a minister, we went through IVF knowing we were following what God wanted us to do. I loved IVF. Okay, so I could do without the shots, but going through IVF was the closest I got to being pregnant. I was bloated, tired all the time, I “felt” my ovaries producing those eggs, I went through the retrieval and woke up to my husband’s smile telling me we got 12 eggs, I had the feeling of sadness that my eggs were no longer a part of me but at the same time being so excited because we were going to be parents. I loved IVF and even though I didn’t get to carry my babies, I have 4 angels in heaven.

Then, when we were told we would have to use donor eggs, I was adamant that we were going to use anonymous. I didn’t want to use a known donor because I didn’t want to “see” how the donor looked as I wanted to look into my child and see me, not the donor.

God changed our hearts.

One day I received an email from a longtime friend who wanted to donate her eggs to me. At the same time she wanted to undergo a transfer herself. What an amazing opportunity! I was able to give back to someone who wanted to give me the most precious gift I could ever imagine and I could forever have a connection with this person who gave so much and we could have half-siblings. It was so amazing to me. Everything was going perfectly….right up to the point that we bought nonrefundable tickets (probably not the best idea on my part, but God knew what He was doing). Then, everything fell apart. We still went and met her and we know that’s what God wanted.

After that, we went back home and grieved, but soon I was able to accept that we would use anonymous and thought maybe it was for the best. I called the clinic and they set up the orders for me and I could get things done when I wanted.

God changed our hearts.

This one I can’t explain. I don’t know what it is. I just don’t have the same faith and strength to go on with an anonymous donor cycle. The cost may be part of it. As you may know, our insurance changed and we no longer have infertility medication coverage and no donor coverage, so the cost would be about $25,000. And knowing me, if I got pregnant, knowing we spent $25,000 would stress me out and pressure me to make sure I didn’t miscarry and of course we know stress is not good for a pregnancy. But I know the cost isn’t all of it. I just can’t explain it, though.

But, I’ve realized through this journey that when I listen to my heart, I’ve found the way. God has provided the way for us. I sometimes think that if we would’ve just listened to the doctors right away and gone with IVF before we did those IUIs, we would’ve found out about my eggs and would’ve saved all that time and money. But, I know that’s not the way God wanted it. I know He wanted us to go through the IUIs….every one of them. And for every one of them, I can tell you the reason. I don’t regret any one of those. I know it was the plan for us.

So, if you get anything out of this LONG post….and if you’re still reading it, bless you….this is what I want you to get out of it:

You can’t change your heart. Only God can change your heart.

If you listen to your heart, you’ll know what to do. Everyone can tell you their opinions, but in the end, your heart is what you need to follow. If you’re a Christian, that’s where God is and that’s where your answer is.

Onemorebaby's giveaway **second post of day**

Check out onemorebaby's giveaway! She's such a sweetheart...really, she is. :)

It's an awesome idea. Wish I wouldn't have just had a giveaway. :)

Farting and giveaway contest

Pretty cool title, huh? :) I know you appreciate it Rachel! :)

I'll get to the farting thing after I announce the winner of the giveaway.

And the winner is.....

KATE!!!!

She got 14 right! I was amazed at how much she knew about us!

I wanted to wait until I knew who the winner was to personalize the package just a bit. I think Jen will appreciate this, too. Being Kate doesn't wipe her butt, I wanted to make sure I gave her some things to help mask the smell of her butt. So, here is what you can expect Kate!


As you can see, there are some things to help you smell better.

And because it was Kate and she doesn't wipe her butt, I will also be adding this to her package:


Maybe that will help??? Jen, what do you think? Please e-mail me with your address, Kate, and I'll send it off!

Thanks to all who played! Here are the answers!

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW MARK?
(winner gets a prize!)

1. When is Mark’s actual birthday? ___3-2_____________
2. What year was Mark born? _______1959____________
3. Where was Mark born? ________Minneapolis, Minnesota_____________
4. How old was Mark when he was diagnosed with diabetes? ___4 years old_____________
5. What year did Mark graduate from high school? __1978________________
6. Where did Mark graduate from high school? _______Frederic, Wisconsin____________
7. Where did Mark and Tammy meet? ______at a gas station where we both worked_________________
8. What year were Mark and Tammy married (extra point if you know the date)? _________5-5-01___________
9. What year was Mark’s kidney transplant (extra point if you know the date)? _______
_3-21-02______________
10. How old was Mark when he had his kidney transplant? __43______________
11. When was Mark’s last rejection episode? _______he has never had one (I know, trick question)______________
12. How many cars does Mark have in his collection? ________250_________
13. How long has Mark been collecting cars? __15 years (although I like Kate's answer of forever :))______________________
14. What is Mark’s favorite car? _________53 Corvette_______________
15. What is Mark’s favorite TV series? _______Smallville_____________
16. How many years did Mark work at Straus? _____15 years___________
17. How many pills does Mark take a day? _ 32______________
18. How many years have Mark and Tammy lived on Blanding Wo ods Road?__6 years_________
19. What are the names of Mark’s boys? ______Chad and Peter________________
20. How old are Mark’s boys? ______20 and 17 ____________
21. How many brothers does Mark have? ____6__________________
22. What is the name of Mark’s sister? _____Holly______________
23. What is Mark’s favorite pasta? _____lasagna___________________
24. What is the name of Mark’s dog? _________Eddie______________
25. What does Mark look forward to every Christmas from Danielle (my sister)? ____car calendar_______________


Okay, now the farting stories. I now have proof that I am related to Tyler and Peyton.

We were driving to the chiropractor and Tyler was with. It's about a 45-minute drive and you can imagine how that is with a 6-year-old in the back. Usually we tell him to count to 100 and we'll be there. It does get annoying, but it's better than hearing "Are we there yet?" at least 100 times.

This time, we didn't hear any counting. It was pretty quiet in the back for awhile. I assumed he was sleeping as I knew he was pretty tired.

All of a sudden, we hear a toot and Tyler says "Finally! I've been trying to get that one out for a long time!"

It was pretty funny.

Then, Peyton spent the night at our house Thursday night. At about 3 in the morning, she crawled into bed with us. She tends to take over the whole bed by laying horizontal. I had her face in my face while Mark was the lucky one to have her feet in his face.

I had to give Mark his shot in the morning, so I turned on the lamp on his side. He starts to wake up. Suddenly, Peyton lets out the biggest fart I have ever heard. I didn't think anything that big could come out of a body so small. And because her feet were by Mark, Mark got the just of it and the look on his face showed it. Mark said "Well, that was a great way to start the day."

Awwwww, they take after me. It makes me feel so good.

My interview!

Thanks txmoms2b! I had fun doing this!

If you would like for me to interview you, just leave a comment and I will e-mail you the questions! Here are the directions (don't forget to leave your e-mail!!)

1) Leave new a comment saying, "interview me."
2) I will respond by e-mailing you 5 questions (I get to pick the questions)
3) You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4) You will include the explanation , a link back to me, and offer to interview someone else in the post
5) When others comment asking to be interviewed you will ask 5 questions.

1. What is something/someone that is always able to put you in a good mood? Mark can usually put me in a good mood by saying something totally wacky or just by a simple hug. Tyler and Peyton also put me in a good mood. I can be so crabby and then seeing their smiles just melt my heart.

2. If you could only eat one food and drink one beverage for the rest of your life, what would it be? Fettucini alfredo and mocha....aww, what a combination. :)

3. What is the craziest thing that you’ve ever done (that you feel okay sharing online)? Okay, so everyone else might not think this was too crazy, but for me, it definitely is. :) I was in gymnastics in high school and was pretty shy and quiet. At the state meet, there was a really cute man coach that my single gymnastics coach thought was so cute. My friends on the team found out which hotel room he was staying in. They wanted to put a note under his door to call her but no one had the guts. I wanted to "fit in" so I said I'd do it. So, I put a note under his door telling him to call my coach to discuss something of extreme importance. He called her the next morning. Right away she knew it was us but when the other girls tried to tell her it was me, she didn't believe them. :) It was pretty funny.

4. If you won a million dollars, how would you spend it?
1. First of all, I would definitely do another IVF cycle for me. Then, if that didn't work, then do a donor IVF until I was pregnant.
2. I would make sure Tyler, Peyton, Adelaide and Sam's college funds were taken care of and our future peanut. :)
3. I would make sure my mom and dad were financially set.
4. I would donate some to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. I want them to find a cure for diabetes so bad.
5. I would pay for my friends' IF treatments who have been trying forever and deserve their dream (you know who you are).
6. I would travel more. I love traveling. I've always wanted to go to Sweden where my ancestors were from. I'd definitely go back to Hawaii! I'd love to take an Alaskan cruise.

5. What is your guilty pleasure/vice? Riesens. I LOVE them but I don't eat them too much. But every time Mark is in the hospital, my MIL will give me some and it's something I look forward to.....I know that sounds wrong. :) It makes things more bearable.

Yes, these are actual conversations in our household

Last night, we were watching TV. A commerical for Sl.im Qui.ck for women came on. I don't know if you guys are familiar with that, but it's a diet thing for women and they have commericals that admittedly are pretty funny. Mark's all-time favorite one is where the man and woman go on diets. The man loses a lot of weight and then the woman just gets smaller boobs. Then she says "Now we're both unhappy."

So, Mark just loves that commerical and every time it comes on, you'd think he just heard the funniest joke once again. He laughs so hard. It came on last night and once again, Mark just laughs so hard.

Tammy: You know, hearing you laugh so hard at that commerical makes me a little insecure.

Mark: Why?

Tammy: Because I have little boobs so when you laugh at that commerical, it's like you're laughing because you know how that man feels with the little boobs and it's like you can relate.

Mark: Oh no, honey. It's just a funny commerical.

Tammy: Yeah, but how would you like it if they were talking about little balls or wienies and I just started laughing all the time.

Mark: I've never seen a commerical like that.

Tammy: I know Mark. I'm just saying what if?

Mark: Well, we both know I don't have that issue now don't we honey?

WHAT IS IT WITH MEN AND THEIR EGOS? :)

This next one is proof that 2-year-olds will ask just about anything.

The scene is at the dinner table. Yes, at the dinner table.

Peyton: Tammy, do you wipe your butt when you poop?

[Tammy practically chokes on her food while Mark grins from ear to ear.]

Tammy: What did you just ask?

Peyton: Do you wipe your butt when you poop?

Tammy: I thought that's what you asked. I do wipe my butt, but I know someone who doesn't wipe her butt.

[Mark's eyebrows shoot up.]

Peyton: Huh?

Tammy: Yeah. My friend Kate. She doesn't wipe her butt.

Peyton: Why?

Tammy: I don't know. She just said she doesn't wipe her butt.

Peyton: Should I wipe my butt when I poop?

Tammy: Yes, Peyton. Please wipe your butt when you poop.

Peyton: Will you wipe my butt?

Tammy: Ah, no. But thanks for asking.

Last but not least, here is a picture of the bows and clips I got from Tina's Sweet Pea's Place. These are going to be for Peyton for her birthday. They turned out so good and Tina was so sweet to include a few for no charge. Please check out her blog. She does such a great job! Thanks Tina!!

Password protected post and Mark giveaway!!!

I want to thank everyone for your interest in my password protected blog. It means a lot. I have another one updating on things so if you go to my wordpress blog, you can see the update. I will only be using the wordpress blog for posts I want private. I want to keep this blog up as I can't imagine changing blogs over right now.....all that work, yuck! Maybe eventually, but right now, I want to keep things the way they are.

Sorry about the inconvenience, but it makes me feel sooooo much better and I know I can be completely honest which is what I need sometimes. Again, please email me for the password!

Here is the post:




Protected: Update!!

Posted by: twondra on: March 9, 2009

In: Uncategorized
16 Comments


Thank you SOOOOO much you guys. I’m sooooo grateful for your comments. You guys gave me the strength and courage, so THANK YOU!!!! ((((HUGS))))

Things were really on my mind yesterday afternoon and I finally told Mark I just had to talk to Holly. I was shaking, my palms were sweating, Mark was right by my side…..and I made the call.

I first asked if Adam and Jess were in danger of losing the baby. Holly said they weren’t, but things were tough. Jess wasn’t able to handle the baby but Adam couldn’t do it alone. Adam just didn’t know what to do, but things were really tough on him as he felt he had to take care of both Jess and Draven.

This is pretty much how the conversation went from there:

Me: Okay, there’s something I want to say. I don’t want to overstep my boundaries or anything but I know if I don’t say this, I might regret it so I need to say it.

Holly: Okay.

Me: Mark and I have been talking and if it came down to it, we would love to adopt Draven. We absolutely love her and we want the best for her. I’m not telling you this because we think you guys are doing a bad job by any means and I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes or anything. We just want you to know that we would love to be able to adopt her.

Holly: You know, Tammy, I’m really glad you called. Bob and I have been talking about it, too. In fact, we were just talking about it today. Karen [our SIL] wants her, but you and Mark are our first choice. We know how much you love Draven and we know you would still let us be in her life.

Tammy: Oh, absolutely! You’d still be grandma and grandpa. Adam and Jess can be as involved as they want.

Holly: Okay. It’s definitely been something on our minds, too. And as soon as we get back from Texas [they are taking a trip to Texas next week], we’re going to sit down with Adam and see what he wants to do. Things are really tough for him right now as Jess just isn’t doing good.

Tammy: You know, I pray for Jess every night. I know she doesn’t realize what a precious gift she has with Draven and I pray she can realize that. I would love for things to work out with Jess and for her to get better. I really do. I pray for her every night.

Holly: Thank you Tammy. That really means a lot. I’m really glad you called. I want you to know that we’ve been talking about that, too, but it feels great to hear it from your voice. So, thank you.

A little small talk later and we hung up the phone.

I can’t tell you what a HUGE relief it was to get it off my chest. A HUGE relief. I realize I may be setting myself up for a huge heartache, but I wanted to follow my heart. I know there is a reason. I haven’t had the heart to go on with a donor IVF cycle, especially now with the insurance change and I know there is a reason….I know there is. God speaks through our hearts and that’s what you need to follow. I know they know how we feel and I have absolutely no regrets at all.

There’s a reason for everything….a reason why my IVF didn’t work, a reason why it didn’t work with my donor angel. I know there are reasons. As heartbreaking as it is at the time, I know there is a reason.

So, thank you so much Montana’s Mom, Pixie, Peta, Gaby and Malia’s Mom! You guys gave me the courage I needed so much to do what I know I needed/wanted to do. It’s all in God’s hands now.

(((((HUGS))))))

16 Responses to "Protected: Update!!


1 | Kate
March 9, 2009 at 12:22 pm

Oh Tammy you are so brave- I am so proud of you- good for you now you don’t have to wonder and neither do they.

I am praying for Draven- she deserves a great life.

Keep us posted and you and Mark are in my thoughts and prayers.


2 | Jody
March 9, 2009 at 1:53 pm

Hey girl…so glad you made that choice!! I’ll be praying for ya!! Sorry I always don’t have helpful advice for you…but I want you to know I love reading your blogs. Thanks for letting me. Keep strong and believe…good things will happen. XOXOX


3 | cady
March 9, 2009 at 2:27 pm

i’m so glad you had the talk with holly, and i’m so glad it went so well. like you said, there’s a reason for everything, and God has a plan for all of us. that’s something i try to remember as i go through my infertility treatments. i can’t wait to hear your next update



4 | Amy
March 9, 2009 at 3:21 pm

What a relief it must have been to hear Holly say she had Mark and you for her first choice. I agree with you completely, that there is a reason for everything. At times it is hard to remember that, and all of us reading your blog know that all too well. I hope and pray that things get better for Jess and little Raven. I can’t imagine not being able to bond with a child, especially my child. Hugs to you!


5 | DaniKel
March 9, 2009 at 4:13 pm

I am so glad that you decided to talk to her. It was not that you thought that they couldn’t do it, you just wanted them to know that you would.

Everything does happen for a reason. We may not always know the reason right away, but we do eventually. Just follow His path, and He will lead you.

HUGS!!


6 | Kathryn (babyblueprint)
March 9, 2009 at 5:02 pm

Wow! This is a huge thing for you guys right now! I agree with everyone else that you are so brave to have that conversation, I’m so glad that it went so well.
We’ll keep you in our prayers as always and know that this will turn out the way God intends.


7 | Tiffany
March 9, 2009 at 9:53 pm

I am in TEARS, balling like a baby tears. Yes, some of it may be hormones, but most are not. Tammy I applaud you for stepping up and saying something. This is amazing and fantastic, maybe heart break, but I really don’t think so. God does have a way of working and this may very well be his plan for you, Mark, and Draven. I cannot wait to hear more. You will be in my prayers.


8 | Shannon
March 9, 2009 at 10:31 pm

I too was in tears reading this!!!! That is amazing! Heavenly Father works in our lives in the most wonderful way sometimes.

Shan



9 | maliasmama
March 9, 2009 at 11:33 pm

Oh wow… see… I told ya :)
I will pray this works out the best way fro Draven and i hope that means you and Mark as mama and papa.


10 | Montana's mom
March 9, 2009 at 11:47 pm

I am SOOOOO glad you made the call I prayed you would!!! No matter what I hope everyting works out for Draven!


11 | pixie (jamie)
March 9, 2009 at 11:58 pm

AWESOME. I’m so very proud of you. Things will work out, and no matter what Draven will be safe and healthy. Hopefully with you two. Lots of prayers for you all of you :)



12 | onemorebaby
March 10, 2009 at 4:07 pm

I am so glad you made the call! I will be praying for the best possible outcome, whatever god will’s it to be. : ) Hugs and love, ag



13 | justine
March 10, 2009 at 8:44 pm

It will work out just like it is supposed to! It may be a heartbreak if she ends up with someone else but as long as she is safe and healthy it is all good. You are in her life for a reason –

14| stacey
March 10, 2009 at 10:50 pm

Tammy,
I agree with all of the others here! I’m so glad you called and had that talk. At least you know that you’re on the same page as Holly now. I can tell that you truly care for this child and want what’s best for her. Your sincerity came through and made them realize it as well.

I hope that everything will work out for the very best for everyone involved. Even if God should choose another path for her, I think what matters is that you were open and willing to provide for and love this child, and that shows how special you are!



15 | Peta
March 11, 2009 at 6:10 am

Tammy,

I am very proud of your for making the call. It took a lot of strength to be able to let you feelings known to Holly. It is great to hear that they were thinking about you and Mark as well.

I will keep you in my thoughts at all times and please feel free to email me with any questions that you might have. I have been walking the open adoption line for over 16 years.

Hugs
Peta


16 | Amy
March 12, 2009 at 9:47 pm

You are so brave!!! I am amazed at your courage. I just wish I had that much courage when we were in the same situation. You will now have no regrets! You said what you needed and put it out there. How amazing that they too had been thinking of you and Mark. You all want what is best for that swett baby girl. Sharon and I will be praying for God’s will in this and for protection and peace in everyone’s heart.
Hang on sweetie, this might be a fun ride!!!






Saturday was Mark's 50th birthday party. It was a lot of fun. Pictures will be coming! I also have pictures of Tina's wonderful hair clips that I need to share so those will be coming, too!

Anyway, Deena had given me a great idea for a game and I went with it. I had 25 questions about Mark to see how well people knew Mark. It was fun.

I've decided to post the questions here and the one who gets the most right will win a package of goodies of some sort....I have no idea what it will entail, but it'll be fun. :) I realize you guys don't know Mark that well....or what you do know about him won't be any of these questions :), but even if the winner gets 2 questions right, I figure it would be kind of fun. :)

You can either comment or email me the answers if you wish to participate. You don't have to! I will leave it open until Friday and then announce the winner on Saturday along with the answers.

Here are the questions!

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW MARK?
(winner gets a prize!)

1. When is Mark’s actual birthday? ________________
2. What year was Mark born? ___________________
3. Where was Mark born? _____________________
4. How old was Mark when he was diagnosed with diabetes? ________________
5. What year did Mark graduate from high school? __________________
6. Where did Mark graduate from high school? ___________________
7. Where did Mark and Tammy meet? _______________________
8. What year were Mark and Tammy married (extra point if you know the date)? ____________________
9. What year was Mark’s kidney transplant (extra point if you know the date)? ______________________
10. How old was Mark when he had his kidney transplant? ________________
11. When was Mark’s last rejection episode? _____________________
12. How many cars does Mark have in his collection? _________________
13. How long has Mark been collecting cars? ________________________
14. What is Mark’s favorite car? _________________________
15. What is Mark’s favorite TV series? ____________________
16. How many years did Mark work at Straus? ________________
17. How many pills does Mark take a day? _______________
18. How many years have Mark and Tammy lived on Blanding Woods Road? _____________
19. What are the names of Mark’s boys? ______________________
20. How old are Mark’s boys? __________________
21. How many brothers does Mark have? ______________________
22. What is the name of Mark’s sister? ___________________
23. What is Mark’s favorite pasta? ________________________
24. What is the name of Mark’s dog? _______________________
25. What does Mark look forward to every Christmas from Danielle (my sister)? ___________________

Insurance update and password protected post

I've had a few people ask about my insurance. Apparently there was a misunderstanding about things. Our insurance covers the same as last year with the same out and in network coverage and there is still the $5000 infertility max. The insurance rep said that he meant there was no limit as to the number of IVF tries we could do (well, duh....I mean, with a $5000 max, they'd only cover 1 anyway so of course we could try as many times as we could). Donor IVF is not covered at all except for my few ultrasounds and transfers, but we have a $4700 out of network deductible to hit first which those things won't even come close to, so it's like we have no coverage at all.

In addition, now the meds are no longer covered. Before they were and didn't apply to the infertility max and were in network. :( That's a big change and I'm bummed about that.

I'm grateful I have some coverage. A lot of people don't have any coverage at all so I know I'm blessed to have some sort of coverage. But, really the "coverage" does us no good at all and the cost will be about $22,000-25,000.

Sigh........

Okay, I have now tried out my new wordpress blog as I need some advice and didn't want it public. If you would like the password, please email me at tammywondra@yahoo.com and I will e-mail you the password. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. :(

Here is the post:



Protected: I need advice

Posted by: twondra on: March 8, 2009

In: Uncategorized
7 Comments


Okay, here’s the story guys. I’m going to use names because you guys won’t know these people from Adam and Eve.

Mark has a sister named Holly. She has a son, Adam, who has a girlfriend, Jess. Adam and Jess have a 2-month-old little girl, Draven. Draven was not planned. In fact, Jess couldn’t even look at Draven when she was born. Jess doesn’t want Draven and wants to give her up. Jess suffers from Bipolar Disorder and has been really struggling a lot lately. She’s been in the hospital quite a few times and hasn’t been able to take meds lately because her Badger Care ran out. Adam and Jess have an apartment together. Jess doesn’t work and Adam works part time at a Target but recently was laid off. Adam absolutely loves Draven and is a great dad.

Jess hasn’t been able to take care of Draven a whole lot. Holly and her husband, Bob, have been taking care of Draven A LOT. We’ve been baby-sitting pretty much once a week and sometimes more for a few hours. She is the most perfect baby ever. She is soooooo good.

It is amazing to see Mark with her. She’s just so perfect. And she’s everything we’ve ever wanted. She’s got blue eyes and dark hair, which is what Mark has and what I always wanted our girl to have so she looked like Mark. I love her so much. She’s just so sweet and perfect.

I heard it’s “iffy” if Draven will be taken away because of how Jess is and how she can’t take care of Draven. Mark and I have talked about it and we both said we would adopt her in a heartbeat. I don’t know if it would ever come down to them losing Draven, but if it did, we would adopt her.

We’re not close to Jess and Adam, but we’re very close to Holly. The thing is, do we talk to her about us wanting to adopt Draven? Would that be “butting in” or “crossing the line”? What if it never happened, would it then be uncomfortable all the time? What if Holly is offended by us saying something, like Holly thinks we’re saying she can’t handle things? Do we say something or wait? Holly and Bob absolutely love Draven and Holly has cried to me before because she’s afraid of losing her and because she loves her so much.

And say if we do adopt her….we feel no one would ever consider her “ours”. We would just be known as the ones who “rescued Draven so she wasn’t given to strangers and the family could still have her in her life”. She would always be “Adam’s and Jess’s “. Do we really want that?

And is it smart to keep baby-sitting Draven? I mean, I’m falling so much in love with her. She’s sooooo much fun. Am I setting myself up for a huge, huge heartbreak? But yet, having her gives me that “baby fix” and it does help me. I just don’t want to be hurt.

I haven’t had a real desire to go on with the donor egg IVF right now and I feel there is a reason. I can’t explain it and sometimes I feel it’s because of Draven. I know God changes our hearts and leads the way. But, there are so many negatives and positives to this. I just don’t know what to do, what to say and where to go from here.

So, I’d love advice everyone. :) What would you do? Thank you so much!


7 Responses to "Protected: I need advice"




1 | Montana's mom
March 8, 2009 at 8:37 pm

Tammy this is very hard for you I can tell. Unfortunately there is no right answer. Does Adam want to keep the baby? Do Holly and Bob want to adopt? Can any of them afford her? I say if you know the answers to those questions then you are half way there. Just let it be known to Holly and Bob that you are willing to adopt if that becomes a need/option. I say if you don’t tell them they will never know! Just my 2 cents.

Reply




2 | pixie (jamie)
March 8, 2009 at 9:21 pm

I agree with “montana’s mom” I would keep your eyes & ears open. I don’t know if it would ever work out, but as you said it could be a safety intervention for the baby’s sake.

Reply




3 | Peta
March 9, 2009 at 12:55 am

Tammy,

I am going to give you this from my side of being a birthmother and having and open adoption with my sons family. I would make it known to Holly and Bob that if something was to happen you would like to be considerd as adopting her. It sound like you are close to Holly so be open with her about your love for Draven and the possiblility of adopting her should it come to that.

Make a pro’s and con’s list regarding the openness. I have known my sons family since he was born and even though we talk all the time he is never referred to as my son by his family(only by my friends). We have spoken to him about his story from the day he was born and he understands that what was done was out of love for him. I am sure that you would be able to raise her as your own but still have her know her roots. You would have to make a family plan so that everyone nows the ins and outs of how it would work so that everyone is on the same page.

Now from the side of TTC the maternal urges are normal and healthy. With everything that you have both gone through to consider adopting a child now is the natural progression.

Reply




4 | maliasmama
March 9, 2009 at 2:45 am

Tammy, I am an adoptive Mama, and I know that when my heart finally told me that this was the way I would become a mother, I would do ANYTHING to achieve that dream. This child is already in your life, she is related, she has connected to you, and you to her. I would approach Holly, the birthmother and the father. As them to allow you to parent this child. Have it an “open adoption” where the birth parents are partof her life, if they choose to be.
It really doesn’t matter, in the long run, if anyone thinks of her as the first parents’ child b/c before long, she and you will think of you and Mark as her parents, believe me.
If your heart is reaching out for this child, that’s your God-voice. Listen.
If they say no, then you will have no regrets- at least you tried, you put it out there. And, who knows, if they already know your struggle, they could very well be thinking that you and Mark adopting would be a good thing, but may feel it awkward to approach you, too, b/c of how much you have longed to carry a little one.
But, let me tell you something- Malía did not grow within me, and I didn’t meet her until she was 4 months old, but she is MINE, she FEELS mine in every way, and though it took a while, the hurt/anger/disappointment/shame at not being able to bring a bio child into the world goes away and you would NEVER trade your baby for ANYTHING in the world, period.
I hope they say yes.
Will be thinking of you.

Reply




5 | Amy
March 9, 2009 at 7:37 pm

Tammy, this is amazing. I have to say I agree with Maliasmama.
Let me tell you why. . . .
Sharon and I took care of a baby from the time he was born until he was about 3 months old. I worked with his mother, who was not married, had a deadbeat, crack head boyfriend. She was not happy when she got pregnant. She was not happy when he had Ian. She wanted either NO baby at all or a little girl. Instead God gave her a beautiful little boy. She worked two jobs the boyfriend, when he did work, worked at a gas station. We would get Ian on Fridays after I got off work, we would take him home and she would come pick him up from us most times as late as 10:30 or 11:00pm on Sundays. We did this EVERY weekend. We fed him, bathed him, bought him clothes, toys, took him to the doctor at times, because she wasn’t. We loved him, beyond words. We had talked about saying something to her about us adopting him. It was evident that she didn’t really love him. He was just an inconvience in her life. We struggled with that conversation for a long time. And decided we didn’t want to offend her. She made comments that indicated she didn’t even like him, but she never said anything about giving him up. Eventually I changed jobs, we “grew apart”, she got another boyfriend and didn’t “need” us as much. We saw Ian after he was about 5-6 yrs old. He was still an amazing child. By this time Ian had a little sister, Mia. Mia became the GOD CHILD! Ian was “stupid”, “couldn’t do anything right”, and just a “problem child”. Those were the things she said about him. And Mia was an Angel. We have a mutual friend that also hasn’t hear from Ians mom in a very very long time until this past week. She is not on crack, she has Mia, and Ian’s crack pot dad has him. Ian in in middle school right now and having problems. He knows that he was not wanted. It breaks my heart.
Sharon and I regret every day that we didn’t approach her. I feel strongly that if we had she would have given him to us. We still love that sweet little boy. And now it is too late to do anything about it.
So, my advice. . . approach it lightly and respectfully. Especially since there are grandparents who are in the picture and help with this baby. But at least you will know that if they want an “out” they have one. You don’t want to have this baby grow up and in a situation that could have been stopped and then regret it later.
Just my two cents. And I will be praying for God to speak to you clearly so you and Mark will know without a doubt what you should do in this situation.
Hang in there sweetie, your baby is coming!

Reply




6 | Shannon
March 9, 2009 at 10:29 pm

I think you have already received awesome advice so I won’t reiterate what others have said but I will say is only you and Mark will know or if the time is right to approach Holly about this.

You are, as always, in my thoughts and prayers.

Shan

Reply




7 | onemorebaby
March 10, 2009 at 4:05 pm

Listen to your heart. Put it in words that your heart and home is open to this child if and when this child needs it. I don’t think any bad thing can come from letting it be known that you would love the child as your own. No child could be luckier. (((hugs)))

Reply

My awards

I got a Butterfly award and I love your blog award from my dear friend onemorebaby. Thank you sweetie! The rules for this award are simple 1) Post it on your blog (and link back to the one who gave it to you) 2) Pass it onto up to 15 other blogging friends 3) Let them know that you gave them an award.

I got another lemonade stand award from Kami, Sarah and Tracy . Thank you so much guys! I think this award is one of the best ever and I'm so honored!

This one is for those who use the lemons in their lives to make lemonade, or who help do the same for others.

Here are the rules for The Lemonade Stand Award:
1. You must link back to the person you received the award from.
2. You have to nominate 10 bloggers who are deserving of this award!

These are the blogs I nominate:
1. Journey to a "Wondraful" Baby (you've got the coolest last name :))
2. Jill (you love the Lord and always have a verse to help me...it's awesome!)
3. Michelle (you are the strongest person I know. You go through so much).
4. Kathryn (you are so knowledge and so sweet)
5. Tina (you are soooooo sweet and such a great friend)
6. Michell (you never give up and continue going. Your strength amazes me)
7. Tracey (same as Michell :))
8. Shannie (you're such a great mom)
9. Mandy (you've been through a lot and I admire you)
10. Erin (you've also been through a lot and you love the Lord. It's inspiring)
11. Jody (you're a great mom and friend)
12. Mrs. La La (you've been through a lot with the twins and your husband and I admire you)
13. Tiffany (you never gave up and you're living your dream and I admire that)
14. Kate (you always crack me up and you've got such a big heart)
15. Stacey (you always write so well and I love to read what you have to say. You love the Lord and you live for Him)
16. DaniKel (you're always so positive and you can always make me feel better)
17. Amy (you never gave up on your dream even when things got rough...you're amazing)
18. Caroline (you're always so honest)
19. Pixie (you've also been through a lot but you always think of others)
20. Onemorebaby (you're too sweet for words. You've always been there for me and talked to me on the phone when I needed you)
21. Journey With Our Two Daughters (you've got so much courage)
22. Meg (you're a great friend and such a super mommy)
23. Candace (you're a sweetheart :))
24. Dreambaby (you're always so positive and can make everyone feel good)
25. Rachel (one of the most selfless people I've ever known)
26. Smoochie (always there for me and always encouraging)
27. Roxymommy (always have something nice to say)
28. Jess (I admire your courage to keep going no matter what)
29. The Milk Maid (I admire your strength with your hubby being sick, being a mom and working)
30. Montana's Mommy (you've been through a lot and I admire your strength)
31. Two Moms and a Baby (you're a fighter and always stick things through)
32. Amy (you're always thinking of others....it never goes unnoticed)
33. Sarah (I haven't known you too long, but you are so sweet :))
34. Kami (you're always so positive and you love the Lord and it shows.
35. Cindy (you've always been there for me and are always just an e-mail/phone call away)
36. Malia's Mom (you're an amazing mom)

Okay, so I cheated. :) I nominated quite a few more, but everyone has been there for me or inspired me so I didn't feel right leaving anyone out. Thank you so much for inspiring me, keeping me going and being the best family I could ever ask for!