We got a sickie here :(

Mark is sick. :( He's got some sort of bug. We have a rule that if he can keep his pills down then I won't take him in. So far he's been able to do that, but I'm worried about him being dehydrated. He wasn't up as much last night and said he was feeling a little better, so I guess we'll see.

Peyton had an accident at daycare, too. :( She fell down the steps and hit her head really hard. She has a nasty bruise. I haven't seen it, but I've heard it's bad. The poor thing. :(

I'm just full of exciting news today, aren't I? :)

On the TTC front, I'm going to be seeing a nutritionist-type doctor. I'm not exactly sure what she is. She's into acupuncture and chiropractic care and stuff. She's my therapist's sister. I talked to her a little bit on the phone and she had mentioned that if your back is out of alignment, it can severely limit your chances of becoming pregnant. That rang a bell for me as I have a bad back from gymnastics and it was also found that I have a twisted vertebra in my back. I'm going to be seeing her tomorrow. I don't know what she'll say or suggest or anything, but at this point I feel it's worth a shot to do something different and just see. Who knows. The thing that gets to me is the first initial consult is $60-290 depending on what they do. Nice. She did say insurance sometimes pays for it, but typically not. Right now, we already owe my clinic $2700 and I HATE being in the hole.

Speaking of insurance, remember that $3700 that they owe us? Well, I called and wanted to speak to a supervisor. Well, they have to request a supervisor call back and then they will call me in 24-48 hours. So, I did that a couple weeks ago and got nothing. Friday, again I asked for a supervisor. Well, she called yesterday but I was at an appointment. She left a message, but I couldn't understand her name and she didn't leave a phone number. Nice. She said she would try calling back in the afternoon....yeah, right. I got nothing. I hope she calls today....well, she better. Mark says they don't want to see an upset Tammy. He feels bad for them. :)

Well, I hope you're all doing good. :) Happy hump day! :)

Pictures of Tyler and Peyton from this weekend

Yes, I live with a camera in my hand. :) It's an addiction and I'm trying to work on it. :) The first step is admitting the problem and I have done that. I am Tammy and I am a camera-aholic.

We had a great time with the kids as always. They are so precious. We had a little "camp-out" in our bedroom when Tyler was scared because of all the shadows. We always have Peyton sleep in her playpen in our room. :) It was an amazing feeling to hear the sounds of children sleeping in our room and knowing that it was going to be an adventure if we woke up to go to the bathroom during the night. :)


Peyton

Isn't her dress the cutest thing you've ever seen?

Tyler

After telling Tyler he had the cutest smile, he had to have a picture of himself being "mad".

Peyton and Mark. They're so cute together. :)

What we woke up to this morning

Can you believe it?

What?

I had a meeting a couple days ago at work and came home:

Mark: So how was the meeting?
Tammy: I'm ovulating. I can feel it right now. Man, complete waste of a good egg. Where are those swimmers when you need them? Dang it.
Mark: Man, you sure learn a lot at those meetings.

Hope you all have a great weekend. :) We get the kids tomorrow night....so you know there will be pictures coming. :)

I'm thankful

It seems like I have good days and bad days and they are never together it seems. I can be fine one day and then hate the world the next. I hope that's normal.

I was inspired a few weeks by my friend, Deena, who wrote what she was thankful for. I've decided to do the same. I have so many wonderful things in my life and sometimes I need to remind myself of that.

Here's my list, in no particular order. :)

I'm thankful for:
1. My family (mom, dad, 2 brothers and sister). So many people don't have a close-knit family and I'm so grateful I do.
2. A husband who loves me so much.
3. 2 stepsons who love me. Lots of people don't have the great relationship with their stepchildren that I do.
4. My dog, Eddie, even if he does wake me up at 4 in the morning to go outside and then changes his mind.
5. My nieces, Peyton and Adelaide, and my nephew Tyler. Their smiles, love and laughter melt my heart and remind me the reason I'm going through everything.
6. My job that I love (most of the time :)) and the fact I can do it at home. I'm very fortunate.
7. A house that I love.
8. The fact that I am healthy, making it easier to help Mark.
9. That Mark has not rejected his kidney. He has beaten the odds!
10. My church family. I can't express how much they have been there for us.
11. The beautiful street we live on with the pond, even if we end up spending most of the fall picking up the leaves. It's still breath-taking in the fall.
12. My in-laws. I get along so wonderfully with all of them which not everyone can say.
13. That I have a college degree and I was able to go to college.
14. Our great insurance coverage. Without it, we wouldn't be able to try to have a baby as hard as we have. Granted they still owe us $3700, but we'll get it. :)
15. That I met everyone on the NW board. Yeah, it can get nasty but without it, I wouldn't have met the friends/sisters I did.
16. And of course everyone else I have met along this journey whom I otherwise wouldn't have met.
17. The special relationship we have formed with our doctors and how we know they want this baby as bad as we do.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop. :) It makes me feel soooo much better typing that out. I really have so much to be thankful for.

I encourage everyone to try it. It makes you feel good! Thanks Deena. :)

A song that has inspired me the last few days

First of all, I'd like to say that we had eggs for supper last night. Can you imagine Mark's reaction? Let me just say he had a lot of pepper on them. :)

There is a song that I've been listening to a lot lately and it's really helped me the last few days. Sometimes you just hear a song and it sticks in your mind and really helps you at that moment. I wanted to share it here. Here is the link to the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1eCBy9HGJs

And here are the lyrics if you don't want to watch the video:

Point Of Grace Lyrics - How You Live (Turn Up The Music) Lyrics

Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don’t hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don’t spend your life looking back

Chorus
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won’t regret it
Looking back from where you have been
'Cause it’s not who you knew
And it’s not what you did
It’s how you live

So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don’t run from the truth
‘Cause you can’t get away
Just face it and you’ll be ok

Chorus

Oh wherever you are and wherever you’ve been
Now is the time to begin

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E’en when you don’t think that you can
‘Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
‘Cause in the end there’s nobody else

Chorus

‘Cause it’s not who you knew
And it’s not what you did
It’s how you live

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Thanks so much to everyone for your birthday wishes! It means so much! I had a great birthday, mostly because everyone was so thoughtful. So, thanks!

My mom was the first to wish me a happy birthday on my birthday....there you go, mom! :) Tyler called me later to wish me a happy birthday and he was so sweet. They were going to garage sales that day and he told me he was going to get me something. I told him he didn't have to do that and that he should just save his money. He said he wanted to and that he was going to get something for me. Later I found out he had been running a fever and wasn't feeling good which made it so much more special to me. They stopped by later with the gift Tyler got me. It was a top:

Isn't it so precious? :) I love it.

I also got flowers from my niece, Adelaide. It meant the world to me. She lives a couple hours away and I don't get to see her too much which breaks my heart. Here are the flowers I got from her:

I love you Adelaide!! (And Chad and Ajay who I know had a little something to do with the flowers. :)

Then I got the sweetest "Hang In There" card from Amy which totally made my day. It couldn't have come at a better time. Thanks sweetie!!

After work, I went for my free tanning session. They have a program here in town that you get a free one on your birthday so I had to get that. :) It was so relaxing. I burned my butt, but it was worth it. I'll spare you the picture. :)

Then, it was off to eat with the boys at Olive Garden. Mark's ex, Bambi (yes, I make fun of that name. No, she's not a dancer. Yes, she is flaky), drove Pete down to our town (they live about 30 min away) but said she'd meet us at McDonald's. McDonald's is only up the hill from us, about a mile away. Why she couldn't drive Pete all the way to our house is beyond me. Oh, well. Then, she said we had to drive Pete all the way home when we came back (of course that was the opposite way we were going so it was way out of the way) because she had plans. When we dropped Pete off, she was sitting in the kitchen...go figure. It's amazing sometimes to me how I keep my sanity around her.

Anyway, we had a great time eating with the boys. It was so nice to get together with them. Both of them took off work to be there with me which meant so much to me. I love the boys so much.

It ended up being a great birthday. Thanks to all for your comments, love, phone calls, e-mails, everything. :) It makes me feel so loved. I truly am blessed.

Oh, and Mark did have a very small piece of cake. :)

It's my birthday....I'm so old

Yeah, it's my birthday today! I'm 32. Wow. I can't believe how much time has flown by. It's kind of sad to me as I had thought for sure I would have my baby by now. I know there's a reason, though.

Anyway, Mark made a birthday cake for me last night. The recipe called for 3 egg whites. So I was helping Mark and separating the whites.

Tammy: You know what this reminds me of?
Mark: What?
Tammy: My cervical fluid.
Mark: Ah, man. Did you really have to say that? I can't have a piece of cake now.
Tammy: Sure you can. It's not actually my cervical fluid. If it looked like this that would be some mighty fine fertile cervical fluid.

Do you think he had some cake? :)

Wednesday night, we had a derby race at our church for Awana. Tyler came in fourth place for the Cubbies group! We are so proud of him. Here is a picture of him with his car and trophy. He's so proud!

Thank you!

Thanks so much everyone! I feel a little better, mostly because of all the support from you guys! You guys are so special to me! I also went tanning yesterday and that always makes me feel good. It's so relaxing.

The littlest thing will still set me off and I still have my moments where I just get angry, sad and depressed...but I know that's normal. And I also know it's okay. :) Us TTC'ers are going through a lot and it's something no one can understand.

I got some good advice from my sister-in-law yesterday. She just happened to call yesterday and ask how things were going and I kind of poured out my heart. I love this sister-in-law to pieces. She's got such a big heart. Her husband was the one who donated to Mark. Anyway, she said to look at what I have rather than what I don't have. Look at the positive things rather than the negative. We all know that's MUCH easier said than done. :) But she said before she gets out of bed in the morning, she thinks about what she's thankful for. And it's even the little things, like a pillow, a warm bed, a coffee cup, a warm house, furniture. She finds that when she does that, she feels better and has a better day. So, I've been trying to go with that approach. I am thankful for a lot of things and I know I'm very lucky to have the life I have.

Mark is doing better now. The pain comes and goes so he can have a good day and then it can turn ugly in seconds. But, he hasn't had any real severe pain since Friday. I felt so bad for him yesterday, though. Because he has such bad eyes, he has tunnel vision and it's hard for him to see. Our dog doesn't always get out of the way for Mark but he usually tries. Yesterday he didn't and Mark fell over him and landed directly on his knees. It always scares me when he falls because his bones are so brittle from the anti-rejection meds he takes. He was pretty stiff all night from the fall. The poor guy. :( And he kept apologizing to our dog and was worried about our dog.

I do have kind of a funny story. Last night, our dog was sleeping next to our bed like he usually does. Sometimes he snorts and breathes real heavy, but last night it was really bad. I was getting pretty frustrated. I tried talking to him and calming him down and finally told Mark "What a freaky dog..making all those wierd noises". Mark starts laughing and ask him what's so funny. He says "you make the exact same noises, you freak!"

I do snort in my sleep sometimes, so I guess he's right. :) How embarrassing though. I guess we know where our dog gets it.

Thanks again for the wonderful support! You guys rock!

It's hit me.....

I knew it would. I thought I was taking this BFN a little too well. Yesterday afternoon, it hit me. I'm not a mother. We are now on our 12th try. I was in Wal-Mart yesterday and walked by a pregnant lady and a bunch of questions went through my mind. What am I doing wrong? What makes her so special that she gets to have a baby and I don't? Am I being punished? Would I be a horrible mother? Haven't I been through enough? I then went over to the liquor store and got a nice big bottle of Arbor Mist.

I know there's nothing I'm doing wrong, nobody's more special, I'm not being punished, I'd be a good mother and there are a lot of other people that have been through more than I have. But when I get my bad days, it seems I focus so much on the negative and not on the positive. The last couple days have been really hard. I just want to be a mother so bad and it seems so close and yet so far away. Sometimes I just go through a little slump, feel sorry for myself for a few days and then bounce back.

Our hot tub broke down this weekend. :( This is the third time it's started leaking so we aren't going to fix it again. Plus, it doesn't make much sense to fix it because Mark never uses it and I can't use it during the TWW and if I get pregnant, I can't use it for at least 9 months.....so realistically, it doesn't make much sense to fix it. We've decided we're going to make the room into my scrapbooking room. :) My dad's gonna make a table top to put on top of the hot tub so I can have my table. I'm pretty excited about it.

I'm hoping in a few years, we can get a brand new hot tub (this one was used and we only paid $300...just goes to show the cheap comes out expensive). Although Mark does not want a new one. We're still debating on that. I would love to get another one but Mark says there is no way we'll get another one. I'm not too happy with him right now......I still think he's the best husband, though. :)

I have the best husband

Living with a diabetic is so hard. I'm not complaining as I wouldn't give it up for the world. You're constantly worried. You're always checking on him to make sure his sugar isn't low. Some nights you can't sleep because you're worried he's going to go low and you're constantly touching him to see if he is clammy. And in my case, because Mark's eyes are so bad, I have to give him his insulin shots, 4-5 every day. I've gotten used to everything though and now I can pretty much tell when he's low by his eyes, his talk, his skin and sometimes even his breathing.

The worst though is his severe nerve pain. The nerves in his feet and hands are so bad he's on the maximum meds he can be on for it. He'll sit and scream and sometimes cry because he's in so much pain. He's actually told me he'd rather have a heart attack again than go through the nerve pain. It's horrible hearing someone you love go through so much pain and you know there's nothing you can do about it.

Friday afternoon, Mark had the worst pain he's ever had. He had taken his meds he has for severe pain and usually that knocks it out within 15 min. This time, though, it wasn't and we had to call his doc who said to take some Vicodin. After about 2 hours, the pain finally started to get better, although he was still screaming, but not as loud. Ironically, it was while he was in so much pain, I got my period. Of course, I didn't want to tell him while he was in so much pain that once again his dream of fatherhood had been dashed. So, I kept it to myself and I would tell him later. After awhile, though, he could tell something was bothering me and even though I tried to tell him I was okay, he knew. I just simply said "It came" and he sat there and held me as I cried. Even though he was in so much pain, he still was so worried about me. He's so sweet.

Then, yesterday I was working on our Hawaii scrapbook and needed more stickers. Mark wasn't feeling good, so I told him I was going to take a drive into the Cities (about an hour away) to get more as they were having a sale. He insisted on coming with and even though his stomach was really bothering him, he kept on insisting we keep going even though I told him we should turn around. Then, when we were there he kept picking out baby stickers and telling me I needed to get them. Even when I kept telling him I wasn't a mother and it was just a waste, he just kept saying it'll happen and giving me a hug in the middle of the store.

Then he insisted on going to K-mart to check out the baby stuff. They used to have a lot of Precious Moments things, but we found out that day they are discontinuing everything. :( I tried to tell him that we didn't have to go and that we shouldn't buy any more stuff until I get pregnant. He insisted, though, and of course found some things. I didn't want to buy it but he really, really wanted me to. He's so super excited about a baby and I'm very happy we can share this excitement so much. We may not get to use it but shopping together brings hope and joy to our lives and knowing we're doing it together makes it fun.

I love Mark so much. He's so good to me. He's always putting me first.

Here are pictures of the items we bought:

Friday ramblings

I first want to say thanks to all of you for your wonderful support and love with our last BFN. It means so much to me!

I wanted to update you all on my book adventure. :) I've been doing a lot of writing and it's been very therapeutic for me. I've written a lot of what has helped me through this and it's been really great for me. I keep writing and rewriting and changing my mind. :) I'm too much of a perfectionist. I hope what I have to say can help someone in the future when dealing with infertility. If anyone has anything they would like to say or how infertility has changed their life, please let me know! I want this book to be about everyone and their journey with infertility. :)

My mom did say we'll get to go to Disney World in a few years and that made me feel tons better! I want our baby to experience it. :) My mom knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. Thanks Mom! Although I have to say, she did add this in her e-mail:

Oh, we will definitely keep going back to Disney - and maybe hit California Disney Land - and who knows what else!!! We want to keep seeing our grandkids seeing some of these sights. And also, just in case Chad can't go this time, maybe the next time he can go - and his wife, and kids!!! - You know that would make you a grandma!!!!! Just making you think!!

Love you!!

Ah, thanks Mom. :) That made me feel soooooo much better. :)

Here are a couple pictures of the kids on the tractor. These are compliments of my mom. They are into tractors like Mark is into cars...totally an obsession. :)


Peyton on the tractor

Tyler on the tractor

I hope you all have a great weekend! We're doing nothing. I think I might write and work on our Hawaii scrapbook. :)

I'd like to send a shout-out to Tracey! She's having her transfer today! Good luck sweetie! We're all thinking and praying for ya girl!!

The conversation with myself that led to my BFN

Time: Tuesday night, all night back and forth

Evil Tammy: I'm not pregnant.
Good Tammy: I don't know that. There is still a chance.
Evil Tammy: I know my body well enough that I know I'm not pregnant. My body has been clockwork this month, just like every other month. I'm such a failure.
Good Tammy: I'm not a failure. It's just not the right time.
Evil Tammy: I don't understand. The docs say I'm healthy and there are no problems and yet I can't get pregnant. The average is 3 IUIs for my age group and I'm on #12. There's gotta be something wrong.
Good Tammy: There's nothing with me and I'm glad I'm healthy.
Evil Tammy: I just don't understand it. I'm letting everyone down and everyone must think bad of me for not being able to get pregnant.
Good Tammy: Now Tammy, that's not true and I know it. I'm not letting anyone down. It's just not the right time. God knows the right time.
Evil Tammy: I'm just so sick of these negatives. I just want a positive and be a mommy and love my baby.
Good Tammy: I could be pregnant. I don't know.
Evil Tammy: I know I'm not pregnant.

After a few hours of sleep and taking my temp:

Good Tammy: See, the temp skyrocketed up! I'm pregnant.
Evil Tammy: I'm not pregnant and I'll prove it to myself.

Which led to my testing and getting a BFN.

Gotta love those conversations with yourself.

Memo from the peanut

To: Mommy
From: Your little Peanut

I know you're having a rough week. It's been very emotional for you, Mommy. I can't believe it's already been a year since you started with the "assisted" procedures.

I know you wonder if I'll ever come to you. I've seen you not being able to sleep because you think about me. I've seen you cry, sometimes without warning and sometimes uncontrollably, because I'm not there with you.

I know your heart breaks because you thought for sure I would be with you by now. Your dream was to have me with you at Disneyworld and take lots of pictures of me with Mickey Mouse. And I see your fresh tears every time you think of it and I know you feel like a failure.

You're not a failure, Mommy. And you have so many people who love you. God loves you. Daddy loves you. Grandma and Grandpa love you. Tyler, Peyton and Adelaide love you. And you have so many friends who love you. We all love you so much that you could never be a failure to us. Your strength and love for all of us makes you our hero.

And I'll be there when you're in Disneyworld, whether it be in your tummy or your heart. And when I get older, we can always go back, can't we? Maybe after my brother or sister is born after me? Maybe in a few more years? Okay, maybe I'm pushing it a little.

I know it's hard to believe it's already been a year. I know it seems like such a waste, Mommy, but it's not. I've seen how your life has changed and how much you've grown. Your life is touched with every passing month and in so many ways. So, how can that be a waste?

I know you feel like a bad mommy because you'll be taking the next month off, but you're not. You need to, Mommy. You deserve some mommy time and some mommy/daddy time. Do something special with each other and love each other. I promise I'm not going anywhere! I'm waiting until God tells me it's the right time. I'm trying to be patient. I know God knows when the right time is.

I can see how much you love me. Thank you Mommy. I know I already have a closet full of baby stuff. I love all the Precious Moments items you and Daddy have gotten for me. And I love the Cadillac Daddy bought for me. I know he's so proud of it and is excited about my first car. Daddy loves me a lot, too, doesn't he?

It's okay to cry and be sad, Mommy. Just don't forget how much your life has changed and how many people love you. And, I'm still coming. God just says it's not the right time.

I love you with all my little heart can hold.

Second post...2 more pics

This is the car phone in the car room. It actually honks when it "rings". :) It's so cool!

I figured I would add in this picture. :) Don't tell Mark. He'd be so embarrassed! But I figure I just shared his pictures so he owes me and I have a right to show this. :)

Isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen? :)

Mark's dream and pictures of his car room

After Mark's afternoon nap yesterday, he comes out scratching his head.

Mark: I just had the strangest dream.
Tammy: Oh, yeah? Tell me about it.
Mark: We were down in the basement. We were having sex and you were upset because your whole family was upstairs. Only your dad was George Clooney and he was wearing a football helmet.
Tammy: What the heck?
Mark: Yeah, I know....George Clooney in a football helmet? I don't get it.
Tammy: No....we were having sex???

Mark wanted me to show off his car room. He mostly wanted to show Nick. :) He's very proud of his car room. I have to admit, it is pretty cool. He's always wanted his own car room, so he's pretty happy about it. :)

The pictures are starting at the door to the room and going around.

I know the green chair is really ugly. :( But it was my grandpa's and he always sat in it. So when I sit in it, I think of him. Mark graciously let me put it in his car room....it was too ugly to be upstairs. :)

His shelves of cars

Pictures on the wall

More pictures. I'm not liking the pictures of the girls on the cars. The boys were the ones who decided those "needed" to be in a car room....sigh.

More pictures. :)

I have 1 more picture of the car phone we have down there. It wouldn't let me download that many pictures, so I'm going to make another post. :)

The way Mark can just make me feel better....

Yesterday morning, I was having a frustrating day at work. So, we were eating lunch. Mark always asks how my day is going and I tell him. This time, I beat him to it and was telling him before he even got a chance to talk.

(Little background info....we've had to work inhouse for a few weeks because the transcription work was low. Because of a setback with Mark, I had a doctor's note saying that I couldn't work inhouse for a couple weeks to which I had gotten an e-mail from my supervisor saying it was not valid)

Tammy: Mark, I'm just so ticked off. Cindy* had e-mailed me saying I can't take PTO if they call me in even with this doctor's note. They have to be fair. So, we have no work this morning, and Nina offers to take PTO. So instead of telling her that she needs to come in, they let her take the PTO. Okay, how is that fair? I'm just so sick of that place telling me they're being fair and they clearly aren't. I just get so mad.....
Mark: I just have to ask.
Tammy (a little annoyed that Mark has to interrupt my venting to ask a question and the annoyance shows up in my voice): Yeah, what is it?
Mark: How has your day been?

That got a little smile out of me. :)

*Names have been changed to protect the not-so innocent.

Then this morning, we tested his sugar. For some reason, it's been sky high in the mornings. Normal is 80-120 and he's been over 500...yeah, not so good. This morning, it was so high that the meter just read "HI" which means it's over 600.

Tammy: Mark, what the heck? Are you getting up and sneaking food or something?
Mark: No, I promise. Nothing like that. I did have a burger last night.
Tammy: Yeah, but that shouldn't bring it up that high.
Mark: Well, you gotta admit, this is kind of cool?
Tammy: Huh? What the heck? What's so cool about high blood sugar and ruining your kidney?
Mark: Well, doesn't it give you a warm, fuzzy feeling when the meter says "Hi" to you in the morning? Isn't that so touching?

He's a dork.

On the TTC front, I know some of you have been asking and I pretty much know it's a bust. Temps are down even though I'm on progesterone which is a huge dead giveaway and I've been cramping really bad and just know AF is coming. I actually feel better knowing it's coming rather than having the false hope. It's very hard for me, though, knowing this marks 1 year and we won't have our baby in Disneyworld.

On positive news, my brother and sister-in-law are expecting! Not quite like you would think...they are on the adoption waiting list for a child in Ethopia. Congrats you guys! We love you!!!

How to be good friends with an infertile

My good friend, Michelle, blogged this the other day and it really touched my heart and I wanted to share. So much of what she says I feel the exact same way.

Here it is:

I know it must be hard to be friends or family to an infertile couple when you are healthy, have children or are expecting. I imagine it's not easy being in your shoes. It can’t be an easy job. And we feel bad about that. Giving you a job you don’t need. Because to me, it is a JOB. Its hard, tiring, exhausting, takes a lot of thinking and lot of effort and you have to be careful. That is a job. We feel bad for giving you this job you didn’t ask for.

Step into your infertile friend's shoes. Imagine that you desperately want to become a parent but are unable to do so. You put your body through painful procedures but still fail to conceive a child. Meanwhile, people all around you seem to become pregnant with no effort, and just about everyone you know has at least one child. Most of your friends share the bond of motherhood while you feel isolated in your misery.

It hurts more than you can ever know unless you been here. Unless you been me. The hurt and pain and heartache from being infertile is an unbearable pain that takes your breath away some days. It is with you every single second of every single day of your being. It is like living under a concrete rock. It is heavy on the heart and soul and it physically hurts.

It's hard for us to see someone else live our dream whether if you are expecting or already have a baby. Our friends and family have gotten so easily what we have dreamed of. Seeing you only reminds us of our pain. It reminds us what we don’t have. I can’t even begin to describe to you what it feels like to want and need a child so badly. I don’t even know how to try to explain. This type of pain has no words. The only way you could ever even get a glimpse, is to be with me every second of every day. Watch me get out of bed and quickly be reminded of the baby that I don’t have..watch me shed tears literally every single day. Even then, you won’t feel what I feel in my heart.

Michelle also had a link describing how to be good friends with an infertile. It's long but very touching and true.

http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/how_to_be_good_.html

One thing I'd like to add to this is one thing never to ask an infertile...."So, are you pregnant yet?". Don't you think if I was pregnant that the whole world would know? You asking only reminds me that I'm not and it makes me feel like more of a failure.

Okay, so to brighten the mood. :) Here's a funny story about Peyton.

My sister had stopped by with the kids. We were out in the living room and Mark was in the bedroom.

Peyton: Pop?
Danielle and Tammy: No. You can't have any pop.
Peyton: Juice?
Danielle and Tammy: No juice.
Danielle: Peyton, we're leaving soon, so no juice.
Peyton: Mark? **Peyton runs towards the bedroom**

Guess we know who the pushover is. :)

Thursday ramblings

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about this past year. After this month's BFN (which will be coming in about a week), it will mark 1 year since we've started trying "assisted" IUIs. My birthday is April 18 and 2 years ago, I was having a hard time watching our boys playing with our nephew at my surprise b-day party...I wanted him to be our child so bad. But I remember telling myself that by the time I was 31, I should be pregnant if not have a baby but at least by the time I'm 32 I will for sure at least be pregnant but probably have a baby. Here I am, about to celebrate my 32nd birthday and I have nothing to show for it but a nice chunk of moo-lah lost from our checking account. Our family is also going to Disneyworld next January and a couple years ago when we had decided to go I just "knew" we would have a baby and I was so excited to see his/her chubby little face smiling at Mickey Mouse and taking a ton of pictures. Of course, now, that's not going to happen.

A lot of people don't know this but the first "assisted" IUI, I had an early m/c. It was very early. I had a very slight beta when I went in 14DPO but it was very low and we knew I had been pg but lost it, probably because my progesterone had been a little low but we don't know. I was 4 days late and my period was heavy and painful. I never talk about it much because it never really seemed like a m/c. I never got a positive HPT and I was only 4 days late so I guess in my mind I just felt like I didn't deserve to grieve a m/c. However, the last couple weeks, I've been thinking a lot about it. I know I would have a 3-month-old right now. I ask myself questions all the time...would the baby be a boy or girl? Would he/she have Mark's big nose (I would hope not)? Would he/she have my ugly toes? (I would hope not)? Would he/she sleep through the night? What would we be doing now? A whole bunch of questions go through my mind.

However, as hard as it is to think of the "what could've beens", I'm grateful for the way my life has turned. I know that if I would have had our baby, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have cherished this journey and helped others the way others have helped me. And I know I wouldn't have met the friends I have through the board and blogging. I never would've started a blog and blogging has been the best thing for me. I've met soooo many more people and have gotten so close to so many wonderful people that I wouldn't give that up for the world. There are so many women that I've gotten to be close to and I know that if things would've turned out different in this journey, I would be on a totally different path and I'm not sure I would be as happy.

So as much as I wonder "what could have been", I also cherish "what has been". Cindy e-mailed me a couple days ago saying "you can't see what's in front of you if you're always looking in the rearview mirror". She actually sent it for my husband but I realize that I was also supposed to see that because those are powerful words. God has a wonderful way of helping you when you don't even know it's coming.

So, I guess the morale of this looooong post (so sorry...I'll give you a cookie) is that no matter how much I sometimes wonder what could have been I realize I wouldn't trade the way this journey has led me. I know God has a plan....a great plan...and He doesn't want us to suffer.

Here's the promised cookie:


Sorry...the oatmeal raisin cookie looked so good I had to take a bite.