To my blogger friends

To those who have struggled with infertility, have their babies and continue to be here to support me.....thank you

To those who have been blessed this year with their miracle.....I'm so very happy for you

To those who continue to struggle and once again have a Christmas with empty arms.....you're in my thoughts and prayers

To those who are in the TWW....I hope and pray this is your time for your blessing you so richly deserve

To those who don't struggle with infertility but follow my blog and continue to support me....thank you

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL! We are so blessed to have you in our lives.

I would also like to share our Christmas letter we sent out to family and friends this year:

The 14 Wondra Questions of 2010

1. In 2010, we have:
a. Traveled to Las Vegas, Detroit and the North Shore twice
b. Thought about going to the Interstate Park
c. Walked to the end of the driveway to get the mail
d. All of the above

2. In 2010, our youngest son, Peter:
a. Graduated from high school in May (yay!) and is currently working
b. Is thinking about going to school for music production
c. Is a “Ghost Adventures” fanatic so when he comes over and we watch it, we don’t sleep for a week
d. All of the above

3. In 2010, our oldest son, Chad:
a. Has continued to work as an auto mechanic
b. Is still living in St. Louis Park and loves it
c. Has stayed out of trouble with the law by avoiding speeding tickets, poles and other cars….so far
d. All of the above

4. In March, we traveled to Detroit, Michigan:
a. To undergo a transfer of embryos we adopted
b. Where we met 2 wonderful blogger friends and their babies
c. For the prime reason of meeting up with Aaron when he went to the Final Four for hockey that weekend….not really, but had to make him feel better
d. All of the above

5. Unfortunately, we have had losses in 2010:
a. Our dear dog, Eddie, passed away suddenly on August 24, 2010
b. Our baby embryo, Hazelnut, passed away during the thaw of our embryo transfer
c. Our 2 baby embryos, Peanut and Lugnut, passed away after their transfer to their mommy’s tummy and we found out they went to heaven on my birthday, April 18, 2010
d. All of the above

(In memory of Eddie and our embryos, we have included pictures in our card. We miss them and love them so much.)

6. We have had new additions to our family:
a. Our 8-year-old niece, Bemnet, was brought home from Ethiopia to her dad, Chad, and mom, Ajay, and siblings, Adelaide and Sam.
b. James Willis was born on May 19, 2010 to Matt and Danielle and proud siblings, Tyler and Peyton
c. Our dog, Doogie, who is a Pug/beagle mix with a bit of stupidity
d. All of the above

7. We have had our special days during the week including:
a. Our special Peyton days on Wednesdays
b. Our special James days on Fridays
c. Our special coma-state Mark days on Saturdays
d. All of the above

8. In September, Mark:
a. Had surgery to have his defibrillator battery changed for his heart
b. Had a slow recovery due to excessive bleeding
c. Shocked everyone when indeed a heart was found
d. All of the above

9. I continue to work:
a. At home as a transcriptionist for St. Croix Regional Medical Center
b. Selling Avon and handmade blankets and cards
c. Well, “work” is debatable
d. All of the above

10. I started a new job as an assistant gymnastics coach:
a. 6 days a week in St. Croix Falls and Amery
b. Have immensely enjoyed being back in the sport
c. As a result, my new best friends are Tylenol, ice, bubble baths and my chiropractor
d. All of the above

11. We continue to sell cars at toy shows and:
a. Do about 10 shows a year
b. Enjoy the time we spend with my mom and dad at toy shows
c. Mark seems to buy more than we sell
d. All of the above

12. We continue on our baby journey and God continues to open the door for us including:
a. Adoption and we are currently in the middle of a home study
b. Using donor embryos again
c. Asking Fed-Ex for a special delivery
d. All of the above

13. In 2010, we became godparents:
a. To Draven Route
b. To Micah Worrell
c. And we couldn’t be more proud
d. All of the above

14. We wish you all
a. A wonderful 2011
b. Lots of good health and happiness
c. Much gratitude for getting through this crazy letter
d. All of the above

Love,

Mark, Tammy, Chad, Peter and Doogie

If you get all the answers right, you get a prize of a free sleepover with Doogie! (Hint: all answers are “D”!). Please contact us to claim your prize!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Our RE appointment

Yesterday we had our appointment with our RE for our consult for the embryos we’ll be receiving in January.

Which is a week away.

Wowsers. :)

It went so well. For the first time in a very long time, I had hope. He said as soon as we receive the embryos, we’ll be able to set a transfer date right away and go from there. He also said that once we get the listing of the sets of embryos, we can fax it to him and he will give us his medical opinion about our best chances with each set and go from there. He said he wants us this for us and is willing to do anything. I know it’s in God’s hands but to be told that he’ll help us and give his best medical opinion is just awesome to us.

We also talked about me. I figured the fact that I had a failed FET with 2 perfect embryos was just “bad luck” but I wanted his opinion. He looked in my huge chart (in fact, I have 2 charts) and he said that I definitely have an egg issue and I have crummy eggs (yeah, definitely needed that reinforced to me), but he said I have a beautiful uterus and lining and he says he can’t see me having any less of a chance getting pregnant with donor embryos or donor eggs than anyone else.

He also showed me the Michigan’s clinic’s stats of this year which showed that of 10 FETs, 3 had live births. He told me I just happened to be one of the 7. I figured that was the case, but to hear it from him actually made me feel more relieved. And to be shown the actual stats also made me feel better.

He was very supportive and knows we are very anxious to get going.

Everyone there recognized me and was saying hi and how good it was to see me back. They said it had been too long and they were glad to see I was on the road again. I’m sure you all know how they all become so much like a family. It was good to be back "home" again.

I admit, these past few weeks have been so hard. I find myself crying just out of the blue, some days feeling like my heart is going to bounce out of my chest and some days finding it a struggle to even just breathe because emotionally it hurts so bad. I knew as the due date got closer, it would get harder and harder and I’ve prayed for months that God help me get through the holidays and my due date.

He answered my prayers. He always does. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that when we got on the list this summer and were told it would be at least 2 years, that 6 months later and around my due date, we would be preparing and hoping once again. I don’t know how I would be doing without that hope once again.

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and emails. It means so much!

It’s so unbelievable to me that perhaps in a couple weeks, we could be choosing our children.

That deserves another Wowsers.

Poor Peyton

I want to say thank you so much for your support with my last post. It really means so much. I'm so blessed to have you guys in my life.

For those on FB, you might already know that Peyton had hand foot and mouth disease. :( She was soooooo sick last week. I'm happy to report she's feeling much better and doing so much better.

Some of you have already seen this picture, but I wanted to post it here to show just how miserable poor Peyton was.



Bless her heart...even when she was so sick, she still smiled:


She's such a sweetheart. I'm so glad she's feeling better. Love you Peyton!!

I want my babies back

I haven’t been feeling good the last few days and whenever I’m not feeling tops, my mind races and things seem to get to me more, so that might be part of how I’m feeling.

I miss my babies so much. I want them back.

Last spring, when we had our FET, I had already fallen madly in love with our embryos months before. From the minute Kami and Steve asked us to adopt them, I fell in love. And not one person can convince me that they weren’t babies. I saw the pictures. I’ve met and seen tons of pictures of Sam and Mia, my babies’ siblings who came from the same set of embryos. I’ve seen hundreds of blogs who have had babies from FETs. Not one person can tell me that our embryos weren’t babies.

And I want them back.

I know they are living the most perfect life right now. They have never felt pain. They have never cried a single tear. They’ve never been hungry or thirsty. They have always been happy. They are in the company of angels and my loved ones who are taking such wonderful care of them.

And yet, as their selfish mother, I miss them and I want them back.

I know I could be 9 months pregnant right now, feeling their kicks and hiccups, probably complaining that I’m so uncomfortable and can’t wait for the pregnancy to be over. Maybe I would be on bed rest.

I could have given birth already. I could be holding my precious baby/babies. Finally, I could have the Christmas I always dreamed of...the one that I no longer had empty arms.

And yet, it’s another Christmas with empty arms.

Most days I can look to the future. I can know that it’s all meant to be. I know there are great plans. I know things happen for a reason.

Other days, like this week, I just want my babies back.

I know it’s not the case and I know there are other people in the same shoes as me so please don’t take offense to this: But, sometimes it just feels everyone else can have their babies, everyone else can keep their babies, everyone else can “move on” and I’m just plain stuck. Stuck on this emotional roller coaster and those ups and downs are just getting so old.

Not that I’m not so happy for those who have their babies and have “moved on”. So, very happy. I know so many people have struggled so much and it’s always a good feeling when the struggle for a baby is over for people and they get to move onto the next phase and although so relieved and such an exciting time, we all know has its own ups and downs and stress with having the baby.

I just wanna be there. Relieved, excited, with a different stress and ups and downs.

I want my babies back.

Another sign there is a God....

I have to share this story as this shows how God works. I love hearing stories like this.

My mom has a new job. :) It might be a little too much for her and a little out of her "range of knowledge" so to speak so she's going to give it a little time before she officially takes it but the fact that she has something is amazing!

And what's more amazing is how it came to be!

First, thank you for your thoughts and prayers for my mom! It means so much!

A couple weeks ago, my dad ran into my mom's cousin. He just asked out of the blue if my mom was looking for a job. My dad told him that she had one and that she wasn't looking at all. My mom's cousin told my dad that it sure was too bad as he thought she would be really great for the job.

Fast forward a week and a half and my poor mom gets laid off.

My dad remembers that conversation and the day after my mom gets laid off, she calls her cousin. He's super excited and contacts the company who asks for my mom's resume.

She had an interview today, they loved her and the job is hers.

Wow, huh? :)

God is good. :)

The job isn't exactly what my mom is looking for. She thinks it's "out of her league" and might be too complex and it's full-time. She has been part-time and having a couple days as "Grandma Days" and she really cherishes that. She actually got really choked up talking to me when she was talking about how much she was going to miss the kids.

My mom is the BEST mom and grandma ever. :) Her family is always her top priority.

But, she also realizes how blessed and lucky she is just to have this opportunity and that there is a reason. Things just fell into place too much.

God is always talking to us and providing. It's pretty cool. :)

I won't complain about Doogie's smelly farts again....

...although Mark says he will. :)

Poor Doogie tested positive for Lyme's and Ehrlichiosis today.

Yesterday morning he seemed to be a little "off" at breakfast but we didn't think too much about it. By the afternoon, he was just laying on the couch and wouldn't move at all. The only thing that would move was his tail when we walked by and petted him.

Awwwwww. :)

It felt like dejavu from when Eddie was sick. It was scary to us. I had to keep reminding myself that this was Doogie, not Eddie and that Doogie is just a pup, not an old dog with tumors. I kept trying to convince myself that everything would be okay. This is Doogie not Eddie. Doogie is a totally different situation.

He couldn't walk at all. I had to carry him into our bed last night to sleep. He snuggled right up next to me and I just held him all night. If I tried to move him, he would whine. We were really nervous and I didn't sleep well all night. It was just too much of a similar situation that we had with Eddie. The difference with Eddie was that his gums were pale and his limbs were cold and Doogie's weren't so I was pretty certain he wasn't dying.

Yeah, that could've been me overreacting but when you go through what we went through with Eddie, I think we have every right to "over react".

You can bet I called the vet right away in the morning. They opened at 8:30 and I started calling at 6--just in case they were in early. Luckily, we were able to get in at 9.

And the memories of Eddie came flooding back again as we carried Doogie out to the car and wrapped him in the same blanket as we did Eddie. But, it was an amazing feeling to be able to bring him home with us.

The vet said he would feel better after a couple days of antibiotics....it was more like a couple hours as he was back to his jumping self.

And Mark was back to saying "No Doogie! No licking! Get down! Stop it! Doogie!!"

Awwwwwww, I love it. :)

And I'll cherish those smelly Doogie farts....at least for a little while. :)

My life in bullet points

I hate doing these kinds of posts, but lots has happened so right now I'll do it this way and then write more later.

--My mom was laid off on Wednesday. :( So sad and unexpected...a total shock. She's really hurting and as most know, I'm very close to my mom and dad as well as my sister and this has really shaken the whole family. Such a horrible time of the year, too.

--Still haven't heard about the home study and she had promised us she'd have it done by the first week of December. I know they say no news is good news, but in this case, I doubt it.

--We have an in-home visit with the Can Do Canines for the service dog on Monday at 10:30! Finally we're doing something with that. :) We've been waiting f-o-r-e-v-e-r.

--Doogie is sitting by me and just farted....wonderful.

--My aunt was recently hit by a car. :( She was so lucky and only suffered a broken foot in 3 places. Then it was a couple days later my uncle (her husband) ended up in the hospital for an allergic reaction. He was so lucky as his mouth and tongue were very close to being so swollen, cutting off his air supply. If they hadn't arrived to the ER at the time he did, he probably wouldn't be here. So scary. We're just glad everyone is okay. I'm very close to them, too.

--We're still on for the embryos in January!

--I'm getting more and more down every day as the holidays get closer. Gosh, I miss my babies. Sometimes it's so hard just to get out of bed. I miss them so much. I know they have a wonderful life in heaven, but I wish they were here.

--It still smells from Doogie's farts...his are n-a-s-t-y. :(

--I'm still working lots of overtime and coaching gymnastics. I'm staying so busy but it's definitely worth it.

I plan on getting caught up on all your blogs this weekend. :) Miss you all!

An online baby shower for Lyndsey!

Lyndsey is a very special friend of mine. We go waaaaaay back. Back to when we were cycle buddies on my second IUI which was 4 years ago.

And she's always been there for me and now is there for me in a way that words can't even express.

She and her husband are the ones who want to donate embryos to us.

Lyndsey has had a very rough pregnancy. She hasn't been feeling well at all. And she had the devastating loss of her mother earlier this year. Lyndsey doesn't have much family support and had moved earlier this year and it's been a struggle for her and her family.

And so I thought we could be the family and the support she doesn't have and show her how special she is. She has given me so much hope and love and I want to show her some hope and love back.

I'd like to throw her an online baby shower. Lyndsey is registered at Babies-R-Us under Lyndsey Williams. I also have her address so if you would like to send her something, please email me at tammywondra @ yahoo . com (just put them together). Of course, I won't give out her address until I'm absolutely 100% okay with it and if there is any question, I'll ask Lyndsey if it's okay.

Please help me show her some love! She's a special friend of mine and she has given so much to us. I know donating embryos is the most beautiful, selfless gift anyone could ever do and I also know it's gotta be a very, very hard decision.

Please email me wtih any questions you have or anything!

Thank you for making this so special for Lyndsey! I know she appreciates it so greatly!!

My Black Friday

I always look forward to Black Friday, mostly because of the bonding with my mom and Tyler and Peyton. Yes, we're crazy women like that. And this year, we added Jamie to the mix. It was his first Black Friday!

Poor little guy.

We live just a couple miles from Wal-Mart so the kids and my mom spent the night at our house. Jamie wasn't the best sleeper....well, he would sleep but wouldn't transfer to his play pen so I spent most of the night rocking him and dozing off in the rocking chair.

If I'm being honest, I was exhausted but I loved it. It was so sweet. But it sure made for a loooooong day.

And the day started at midnight at Wal-Mart. And because Jamie wasn't sleeping, we brought him with. At first I felt like a horrible aunt until I saw other infants up there....then I felt better. But still, it totally wasn't worth it.

It was clear that God didn't want us up there at midnight. We specifically went for storage totes that were on sale....they ran out within minutes. And I tried to get some kids clothes....waaay too many people and it was a madhouse. Then tried to get some movies...same thing...waaay too many people. Then a guy smashed my finger between his cart and my cart. He felt horrible, but I just smiled and said it was okay. It still hurts so bad.

Definitely not worth the trip. So, we went back home and I rocked Jamie to sleep again while my mom slept.

Then she went up to Wal-Mart at 5:00 for a couple things. That was a much better trip. I then took the 6:00 trip to Menards which is a few miles away from our house.....again, much better trip. I picked up donuts and went home.

As soon as we all had breakfast, we headed out for the Cities. There, we went to Target, Joann Fabrics, Kohls and walked around the mall for a little bit.

And we were beat....put lack of sleep with running around crowded stores with 3 young children, one an infant, and you've got 2 exhausted women.

We got home about 2. Our plan was to decorate our house with Tyler and Peyton and I couldn't let them down. So we went ahead and decorated.


Putting up the village. I told Mark not to get me in the picture because I was tired and crabby and just wanted the kids in the picture. Of course he didn't listen to me.


Peyton and I putting up the wreath


Peyton with her reindeer ears on

After they left, I ended up falling asleep for an hour. Then woke up to a phone call from my mom wondering if I wanted to go to the movies with my brother, Aaron, and the kids. Really, the only thing that sounded good at that time was my bed and I thought for sure I would just snooze through a kid's movie, but I couldn't say no to quality time with my brother and the kids.

We went and saw "Megamind" and it was h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s! Sooo funny! Definitely did not fall asleep and had a great time. The kids had a wonderful time and it was fun to go with my brother and spend time with him.

I got home at 9 and I was in bed by 9:01. Okay not really, but it didn't take long. I was beat.

But it was the best feeling ever. I had the most absolute best day.

Wordless Wednesday

Thanksgiving 2010

This year for Thanksgiving, we went up to my mom and dad's. Unfortunately we had to leave shortly after eating as Mark was having severe nerve pain in his feet, but it was wonderful to see everyone and spend some time together. Everyone was able to be there except for Chad and Peter, so it was a great time!

Chad stopped by the house later that night so at least we got to see him but we missed the boys at my mom and dad's


Bemnet and Adelaide playing


Peyton having her own pity party because no one wanted to play with her.....according to her


My brother, Aaron, who lives in Chicago holding James


Me and Mark (I hate my smile :()


Bemnet, Adelaide and Peyton hiding from Tyler


Tyler getting set to go find them, although it looks like he's already trying


The kids at the kids table


My brother Aaron


Matt, Danielle and Jamie


My Jamie Bean's first Thanksgiving!!


The Chad Gustafson family


My mom and dad


The kids playing


My dad with Jamie Bean. I love this picture!

Some shocking news

Mark and I are still in shock about this. I was going to wait to share this but really, it's pretty amazing and is such a testament of God that I want to share to show how wonderful He is.

Last summer after our FET wasn't successful, our clinic told us about a waiting list for donor embryos at a nearby clinic where they store embryos. When I called about getting on the list, they said it was free to get on the list, but it was at least a 2-year wait, probably more.

It was discouraging but we thought nothing would hurt to at least get on the list, so we did.

We had kind of forgotten about it or it was way in the back of our minds because the wait was so long we figured.

Lo and behold, we recently learned that there will be embryos available for us in January.

Yes, that's right, January. January 2011.

WOW!

They will be sending us a letter with a list of 3 sets of embryos, characteristics, prices, etc. and we will choose our first, second and third choices. Two other couples will do the same and then the embryos will be distributed out based on that. They will be ready to use immediately.

Which means I could be doing an FET in the spring. We've set up a consult with our RE for December 23 for a FET in the spring.

I can't believe I'm actually saying those words. An FET in the spring.

And our friend and her husband would still like to donate embryos to us which is amazing and we're so excited and honored.

Just when doors seem to close, God opens another one or two and when we least expect it.

God is so good to us!

As far as the adoption, we still want to go down that road if it works out.

It's all in God's hands.

Pretty cool, huh? :)

In honor of Thanksgiving Day....

I want to say I am SOOOO thankful for each and every one of you. Each one of you deserves a post in itself. You're all so special to me.

I found this post recently and it's one of my favorites and I wanted to share in honor of Thanksgiving. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving! Love you all!

Here is the post:

I was thinking today about Mark and the things I'm thankful for about him.

1. Mark has insulin reactions...many times. A lot of times it's during the night and I'll wake up to him in a reaction. I get to wake up and spend more time with him and talk to him that I otherwise wouldn't get. I'm thankful.

2. Mark has trouble seeing because of his diabetic retinopathy. Many times when we go to the movies, I have to lead him into the theatre because he can't see. I get to hold my husband's hand a few moments more than other couples...as we all know as you get married, you no longer hold hands or make out while watching a movie. It's all about popcorn! So, I get to hold Mark's hand a little longer. I'm thankful.

3. Mark gets dizzy spells. Sometimes they are so bad to the point that I have to hold him up or else he will fall. I get an extra hug. I'm thankful.

4. Mark's disabled and can't work. He spends most of the day sleeping while I'm working in the next room. I get to spend time with my husband while I work. I'm thankful.

5. Depending on his days, Mark doesn't always have the strength to be able to wash his hair, cut his nails or other simple things we all take for granted and I have to help him. I get that extra bonding time and get to feel my husband's skin and hair that much more. I'm thankful.

6. Because Mark is so tired, we're often in bed by 8. We don't go to sleep right away but we'll watch TV and drift off....I know some of you thought different when I said "we don't go to sleep right away"...get your minds out of the gutter! :) I get to lay there with my husband and listen to him breathe while he rests. I'm thankful.

7. Mark doesn't have the strength to do a lot of the "man" things around the house. Usually I try to fix as much as I can or else find someone to help. I've learned more about doing the household fix-ups and I've become smarter about those types of things. I'm thankful.

8. Mark isn't able to give himself his insulin shots anymore because he can't see the lines on the syringes because of his eyes. So, 4-5 times a day I have to test his sugar and give him his shot. I get to spend more time with him and be able to touch his skin even more, knowing that I'm helping him stay alive. I'm thankful.

9. Mark's on a special diet that requires reading more labels and being careful about what he eats. I've learned to cook more and be more conscious about what we eat rather than eating junk food all the time. I'm thankful.

10. Mark doesn't have the strength to run after kids or play with them too much. Plus his hip bothers him when he runs. I know when Tyler and Peyton are here and they are begging Uncle Mark to chase him and he does, he's doing it because he loves them and not because he can. I get to see the love with every step in that chasing. I'm thankful.

Our poopy morning

Thank you all so much for your support regarding the homestudy and for all the ideas! I appreciate it! I heard from my social worker who said her director will be out this week but they will be talking next week. I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Thanks for all the support! It means a lot!

Now onto my post. As you can tell, this isn't a post for the ones with weak stomachs. You have been warned! This is a totally disgusting, want to puke, gross post and yet I want to share. Lucky you guys!

The other night we had Jamie overnight. We've been having issues with Doogie being very jealous when Jamie is around.

In the morning, I had taken Doogie out and he had pooped quite a bit. Probably more information than what you wanted but there is a point to me telling you that.

When we came in, Jamie had woken up and I was feeding him. Then, we were talking and playing and laughing and having a good time. After about an hour, Mark got up and that was when we had noticed that Doogie had pooped in the baby's room (the room Jamie sleeps in) and (this is really, really gross!!!) he had chewed up his poop into little tiny pieces and it was all over the floor.

And it smelled.

And it was d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g.

I cleaned it up but was gagging the whole time. I was so angry at him. There was no reason for him to do that other than jealousy. I mean, he had just been out and pooped and pooped a lot. So frustrating.

After I had cleaned that up, Mark announced that either Jamie needed a change or it was still Doogie's jealousy present. I smelled Jamie's butt....yes, I smelled it....and I knew right away it was Jamie.

So, we put Jamie down and realized it was a bad one, leaking through the onesie, up the back, the sticky, pasty kind.

And it smelled.

And it was d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g.

But, Jamie's giggles and smiles made it much easier for me.

Then I did the unthinkable. After I had changed his diaper, I was holding Jamie and trying to get his new onesie on when he slipped out of my hands and landing face first in the diaper.

Yes, in the sticky, pasty poop.

I am the worst aunt ever....ever.

Jamie was a doll and didn't cry or anything but I felt terrible.

And of course I still haven't lived it down and probably never will.

Homestudy update....

I was hoping to get more answers before updating but it could be awhile before we know what's going on.

For those who follow me on FB, you know things are not looking good. :(

And finally here's the story. Thanks for being patient with me and showing support even when you didn't have the details.

We met with our social worker last Saturday. Everything was going wonderful and she said she had no concerns....until the end when she mentioned that she was concerned because of Mark's life insurance policy.

Mark got a policy through his work before he was disabled and she doesn't think it's enough as she wants enough to cover our mortgage if something were to happen and Mark's policy we have is just a little short. I won't go into the numbers as really it's not necessary and I don't want the whole world knowing our financial situation. I'm not ashamed and if you really want to know the numbers, just e-mail me. :) I'll share it, just not with the world.

Anyway, as you can imagine, getting life insurance with Mark's health will not happen. We've tried before when Mark was really sick as he wanted me and the boys to be taken care of. So, we've tried but we've always been denied. We always knew God would take care of us if something were to happen and with how much support I have, I knew my family and friends would make sure I was okay and taken care of....if not, they do now. :)

Anyway, she said if we didn't get more, she couldn't approve us. She felt bad but she's just doing her job and I have no hard feelings about it. I know she's just thinking about the child and the best interest of the child. It's her job and I know she's doing a good job at it and that's what we want.

So, right now, things aren't looking too promising that we will pass. However, I've given her more information about what I would receive from SSI for child support should Mark pass away and we are always looking into other options.

As we've said many, many times, God will close doors, not us, and if this is another door closed, we know it's God closing the doors and we accept that.

Just wish He would close them and not slam them and not slam them after we've spent all our time, energy, emotions and money into it. :) We know there is a reason but sometimes it's hard to see that reason.

So, things are really up in the air. We'll see what happens. It's in God's hands and we know His plans are for the best. He is so good.

Thanks for your support and prayers. It means so much.

Triggers

As some may know, if our FET would have stuck in April, my due date would have been January 1, 2011. I knew the holidays would be tough this year and I know that as we get closer to Thanksgiving and Christmas, it'll get worse before it gets better.

But really, I'm doing better right now than I thought I would be. Maybe it's the hope and encouragement that I will have my baby and that doors are opening. Maybe if the doors were closing, I wouldn't be doing well.

I have found that there have been "triggers". Sometimes they come out of the blue and hit me so hard and completely unexpected and it surprises me.

For example, the other day I saw a picture of a newborn baby and I started crying. Normally I can see pictures no problem. But for some reason, seeing a picture of a newborn baby that day hit me and I missed my babies.

Then I saw a very pregnant lady.....very pregnant. I thought of my precious babies and thought that could've been me. I could have been that pregnant.

And when we were at the North Shore, I had my camera around my neck and put on my jacket. I felt "pregnant" then and it looked like I had a little bump and I thought about my babies.

I think the hardest trigger so far was just a couple nights ago. I saw a commerical for Ka.y's Jewelrey where a mom who has just had her baby is sitting by the X-mas tree at 2:30 in the morning and her husband comes out. They are talking about this being the first X-mas as a family and they give each other a kiss as their newborn is sleeping. I sat there and just cried and cried. That could've been us. This could've been our first Christmas together as a family.

And sometimes it hits me so hard and my heart breaks.

I know these triggers will come and go. I know some days, I'll be okay and I will realize just how blessed I am and how lucky I am and the hope will be so strong.

And I know there will be days that it will be so hard just to get out of bed because I miss my babies.

Most of all, I know I will always have the support of family and friends who will understand and will just be there when these "triggers" happen and will know that if I'm crying or a little emotional, just the support, a few encouraging words and maybe just a simple hug will be all I need.

So thank you for being there, understanding and your patience with me as the holidays come and my due date gets closer. I'll need you more and more and I know you're there as I will be there for you.

Love to you all!

Wordless Wednesday

A little family getaway

My mom and dad celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary in September!! To celebrate, my sister and I treated them to a weekend getaway up to the North Shore in northern Minnesota. My brother and his family also live up there so they joined us.

And of course I have pictures. :)

Just as a little background, even though I was born and raised in Wisconsin and all of my family are Packers fans, I'm a Vikings fan and quite often, it does create a little playful rift in the family.

Being Mark and I were watching Jamie and Jamie was riding with us up to the North Shore, I decided to dress him the way I wanted to:

Here he is sporting his new favorite shirt and I'm wearing my Vikings sweatshirt. Can you see how much he absolutely LOVES his new shirt? :)


My mom with Jamie


Mark, Peyton and Doogie playing on the bed. Yeah, even Doogie got to come with


My mom reading a book to Tyler. He was so into it that he was watching TV


Duh Mark


Jamie


Mark and Doogie


My mom and dad with their grandchildren


The whole family at Gooseberry Falls


Jamie


Doogie and I

As you all know, it's next to impossible to get a picture with all the kids looking at the camera. In fact the above picture with my mom and dad, we thought we were soooooo lucky that it only took 3 takes to get a good picture!

So when the kids climbed up on the rock to get a picture (minus Sam), we knew it might be awhile before we got a good picture.

The first take Peyton decided she had to show the camera her Barbie rather than her face:


Then Adelaide decided she needed to smile at Peyton rather than me:


But surpringly, this one also only took 3 takes as the third was really good:



Mark and I with Bemnet. This was our first time meeting her and we were so proud!


Jamie and I


Peyton and Bemnet


Adelaide


Mark and Jamie

Here is Sam sporting his beautiful pink headband. He was so proud of it:


And of course we had to get the side shot:


We had a wonderful time with the family and it was so good to get away.

Happy anniversary Mom and Dad! Thanks for setting the great example for all of us of what great love is like. Love you!

Halloween 2010

I know....Halloween was over a week away, but I've been so busy lately. Between work and overtime, coaching gymnastics, doing craft shows, watching kids and doing adoption stuff, I find my blogging has really taken a back seat and that makes me sad. :(

In fact, I'm actually typing this post on Sunday and scheduling it to post on Monday because Sunday is my only time to actually sit down and blog.

How. sad. is. that?

But I love my life and the opportunities and wouldn't give them up for the world. The only thing I would change is having more time with Mark. Sometimes I feel like I'm always leaving him and I never get time with him anymore. Otherwise, my life couldn't be better right now and I'm so happy.

Enough of my babbling. :)

Here are some pictures of Tyler, Peyton and Jamie on Halloween:


Here is Jamie as the cutest giraffe EVER! :) And you get a bonus shot of Doogie's bent up ear by Jamie's foot, too.


Me and Jamie (could the house be any messier??? How embarrassing!!)


Tyler showing off his Toy Sto.ry 3 toy we gave him. We give the kids candy but we always give Tyler, Peyton and now Jamie an extra little thing and they always love that. :)


Me with the 3 kids. I was bummed I never got a better picture of Peyton. You can't see her wings too well in this picture and but she was a butterfly and a really cute one at that.


I coach the 2 older kids in this picture and they come to our house before gymnastics every Monday to kill some time....otherwise they wouldn't be able to go and they love the sport so much that I definitely wanted to make sure they were able to come! I LOVE the banana in the middle so I had to share! And I love showing off my fabulous gymnasts, too. :)