Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! 

Thinking of all of you struggling with infertility. I know how hard this holiday is. Sending huge hugs, love & prayers. 

Hannah's Christmas clogging recital

On Hannah's birthday, it was her Christmas clogging recital. She was so excited! She was able to do her favorite thing on her birthday. :)

She did so amazingly well. She was fun to watch. 

Here she is before it started. 

Hannah with her babysitter who is also a clogger. 

Having a little practice before the recital starts to get used to the stage. I actually didn't take any of her performing as I was busy recording. :(

Mommy & Hannah. Love this girl. 

Happy 3rd birthday Hannah!

My dear, sweet Hannah,

It's hard to believe you're already 3. While I miss those cute baby days, I'm in awe of the beautiful little girl you've turned into be.

My favorite times are those random kisses and hugs you give me. Every night right before you go to sleep, you give me a kiss on the lips and on the forehead and then a big "huggy". You love giving hugs and kisses and also recieving them.

You also know when I'm getting upset at you or getting ready to get after you for something, you can distract me by saying "I love you Mommy!" and offering a hug and a kissy. You're kinda a stinker that way.

You've really taken on the caregiver role and I couldn't be more proud of you for that. Whenever Daddy is having a rough day and he tries to get up to help, you're always pushing him back to the bed and telling him he needs to rest. You're always protecting him. Whenever he coughs, sneezes or winces, you always ask if he's okay.

I know just hearing your voice and seeing your face makes Daddy feel 100% better.

You can always make us smile and laugh from the way you talk about computers ("peters") to dancing and clogging and giving us a show almost every night. You love entertaining and seeing people smile. I'm in awe of your talent to perform. I know you're going to go far.

You are so appreciative of everything. You get so excited over even the smallest little things and say "Thank you so much!" with big hugs.

And you're always such a positive person, always saying "I love this" and "I love that". Even when you randomly say "I love pigs!", everyone smiles. It's hard to be in a bad mood around you sweetie. Everything is so positive and happy.

One of my joys as your mom is hearing you say "I love you!". Most of the time it's completely out of the blue, when I'm not expecting it. It completely melts my heart and can make the darkest skies blue. There's nothing like it.

I tell you every day but I can't tell you enough--I'm so proud of you and I love you so much. You are the most amazing little girl and you're the best daughter and friend I could ever have.

I hear from so many people how special you are, how sweet and thoughtful you are, how advanced you are and how loving you are. People love spending time with you, sweetheart, and love seeing that amazing, bright smile.

Every day I thank God for letting me be your mommy. Nothing in this world brings me greater joy than waking up next to you every morning. I thank God for giving me another day with you. Every day is a gift that can be taken away at any time and I'm so blessed with each day God gives me with you.

What a joy, honor and blessing it is to be your mommy. My days have never held so much joy, laughter and love.

Happy 3rd birthday sweet Hannah. I'm so glad I get to spend it with you.

I love you so very, very much.

Forever yours,
Mommy

Why Hannah's birthday and holidays are bittersweet

I remember when Hannah was born when I had so many people tell me things like "What an amazing day for you!", "You must be so happy!", "That must have been the best day of your life!".

Honestly, no, it wasn't.

I'll always remember that day she was born. I was the first person to hold her and I'll never forget looking at her sweet face for the first time. Tears of happiness started flowing down my cheeks. I was so happy.

Then I looked up and saw Hannah's birthmother with tears on her cheeks for a very different reason.

Suddenly the tears I was crying weren't just happy tears but tears of extreme sadness for the birthmother.

Since then, I've had limited contact with the birthmother. It's mostly on holidays and on Hannah's birthday. She'll always text on special days and wish us a happy holiday and Hannah a happy birthday and ask me to give her a hug and kiss.

I know every holiday she thinks of Hannah. I know she misses her. I know she loves her with all her heart.

I know on Hannah's birthday, she's so sad. I know she remembers that day she was born just like I do.

Only that was the last time she saw Hannah.

She's told me multiple times that shes doesn't regret her decision and I believe her. She's also told me multiple times that she thinks of Hannah all the time and I believe her.

When we were struggling with infertility, holidays weren't easy. In fact, they were just plain down right hard. There was always a piece of my heart missing.

I wonder if that's the way Hannah's birthmother feels.

I'm so blessed to have my Hannah with me for holidays and her birthday. It's a dream come true for me and I feel so honored to be her mom.

Yet, I know in my heart and mind, there is another woman who gave birth to my little girl who is hurting on those same holidays and birthday. Her heart is aching. She's thinking of Hannah and I'm sure she wonders "what if?". I know I would be.

When we do chat I tell her how much she means to me. I tell her how happy Hannah is, how healthy she is, how amazingly beautiful and talented she is.

I also tell her how much I think of her, how I know those days are hard for her, how I don't take it granted. I promised her when I left the hospital with Hannah, that we would always say a special prayer for her on Hannah's birthday and she would always be a part of the day with us.

I've kept that promise and I will continue to keep it.

So, while I may be smiling outside and feeling so much happiness that I finally have my daughter to celebrate holidays with, I can guarantee you, my heart is also breaking. It's breaking for Hannah's birthmom who I know is thinking of the little girl she gave birth to.

It's hard for me to be completely happy when I know another woman isn't.

It may be hard to understand but I hope and pray one day Hannah will read this and get it. She'll understand why I have tears in my eyes while I'm singing Happy Birthday to her. She'll understand why I might seem a million miles away while watching her open her presents from Santa. She'll understand why my smile isn't as big as it could be while recording her Easter service at church.

I pray she'll understand it's because she has a birthmother who loves her so much and a woman who means the world to me and it hurts me that she hurts.

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is what I'm so thankful for. I am so blessed. Thank you Lord for blessing me so much more than what I deserve. 

3 years ago

It was 3 years ago today our lives changed dramatically.

After submitting our profile to 7 different situations, all to be told we weren't matched, we finally got the email that a birth mother had chosen us.

Rather than being excited, we were extremely shocked and confused. The particular situation they were saying we had matched with was a situation we had decided not to submit our profile to because of the high medical and lawyer costs.

When we got the email, I immediately called our consultant who said what we had been waiting to hear for so long "It sounds like you just matched! Congratulations!". Then I explained the situation to her and like me, she was confused. We thought maybe the email was meant to go to someone else.

After what seemed like many emails and phone calls, we found out that our profile had been submitted in error but the birth mother had chosen us. The baby was ours if we wanted her. They would give us 24 hours to decide if we wanted the baby.

Honestly, from the minute they said we had been chosen, it was legitimate, and the baby was ours if we wanted her, it wasn't a question of whether we wanted the baby--this baby was our daughter. The only question going through my head was how in the world were we going to come up with $10,000 in less than 6 weeks?

Anyone who has followed our story knows how that ended. :) With so much support from family, friends, church family and bloggers from all over the world--most I've never met--we were able to raise the $10,000 almost down to the penny.

I knew this was a God thing. Only God could've had our profile submitted after we had requested it not to be submitted. Even the agency couldn't explain it and had a couple meetings with their staff about this situation. They couldn't figure out how it happened.

I knew how.

We found out 3 years ago today that we were going to be parents and we were chosen. God chose us long before that. It was in His timing, grace and miraculous ways that He brought Hannah to us.

His timing is perfect. What a blessed 3 years it has been.

How we live our life

I've had some people question me & my decisions quite a bit. I think we all do. Nobody can make everybody happy. 

Lately I've had more question me it seems. I won't go into detail because it's just not necessary. 

What's important to note that when we got married, we knew Mark was very sick. We also knew times would be tough. 

What we didn't do was stop living. If anything we lived more. 

Just because Mark was struggling with health issues, we weren't going to just sit around & wait for him to die or sit around & just let me take care of him. 

My uncle gave us the best advice at our wedding:  Dream Big

And dream big we did. 

A year after Mark's transplant we bought a house together. We had been renting a house right across the street from the hospital as Mark was so sick & it was much easier then. 

But we always wanted our own house & one year after his surgery we moved into it. 

We also wanted a baby & we did everything to bring a baby home. Who cared if Mark was sick? The truth is no one knows when our time is done. I myself could get sick or hit by a car & die tomorrow. Does that mean I need to stop dreaming & stop living?

Nope. If anything we need to live more. 

I can't even put into words how much Hannah means to us & how much she's changed our lives. I've seen more smiles with Mark in the last 3 years than I've ever seen. 

We're living an amazing, dream-fulfilled life. 

We're also realistic. I can tell you Mark & I have had some very hard conversations. Conversations with lots of tears and hugs. Conversations most people never have or think about having. They are private so I won't share. But we have no regrets. If something happened to either of us, we've said what we've needed to say and done what we needed to do. Not that it won't be hard but I know we're both at peace. 

We've also lived life together. And we have an amazing daughter together. She's the best thing that's ever happened to us. 

She was sent to rescue both of us. 

We cherish every single day. We live for today, not tomorrow. We're never thinking "That can wait". We're thinking "Let's do it now"

Because we never know when doing it now won't be an option

So yes, Mark is sick. Yes, we struggle. Yes, we have a daughter together.  Yes, we dream big. 

Yes, we live. 

Tomorrow is not promised. Our days are numbered. Dream big. Live big. 

Don't live like you're dying--live like you're living. 

And give your spouses & children hugs & kisses & tell them you love them every single day. 

Update on Hannah

I realize I haven't updated much on Hannah lately. How ironic--Hannah's blog & I haven't talked much about her. 

Good mommy award. 

Hannah is growing up so much. She's 2-1/2 years old. That 1/2 is VERY important to her. :)

We're still working on potty training but it's getting better. If she's naked she does great but the stubborn streak in her (I've been told she gets that from me but I disagree), just wants to get the diaper on & go the lazy way. She's a stinker.

She is now the only cousin who isn't in school which bothers her a bit. I tell her I've got 2 more years & I'm entitled to that. She can't take those away from me. :)  She does get to watch James get on the school bus every Tuesday which I think she loves.  She's also excited that she gets Grandma & Papa all to herself on Tuesday afternoons now. :)

 Watching James get on the bus. 

Right before school she was able to see her cousins almost every day which she loved. 

Here they are at the Teddy Bear Park in Stillwater, Minnesota. 

When school started, she got a new sitter & we all absolutely adore her. She's been such a huge help not only with Hannah but with Mark & doing some cleaning around the house. I really wish I would've met her sooner. She has been the angel we needed. She takes Hannah overnight once a week so I can get a break & Mark & I can have some alone time. It's been so wonderful. People comment on how much more relaxed I look & I definitely feel more relaxed. 

We also have 2 babysitters that come after school a couple days a week & watch Hannah. I love them so much. They're like our own kids. 

In August, Hannah's uncle passed away. Mark's oldest son came home for the funeral so we were able to take a few family pics. 

Mark and his kids 

Another thing she got to do this summer was ride a horse. She LOVED it! I know she's gonna be a horse lover & rider. 

Hannah is a daddy's girl. She loves her daddy so much. I love seeing them together. Melts my heart. 

And she went to a toy show a couple weeks ago with her Grandma & Papa

 And she rode a tractor! A farm girl--taking after mommy. :)

Wow. She is a busy girl. Busier than I realize!

She is the sunshine of my life & like my mother-in-law says, she makes the grayest skies blue again. 

Here are a couple more pics of my baby girl. Love her so much!

Day 5--Hope devotion

Day 5
During our failed attempts and cycles during our infertility journey, I kept track of the number of days I had hope versus the number of days I felt much despair.

After a year of infertility treatments, I counted the days. During that year, I had 339 days of hope and 17 days of much despair. That’s a lot of hope. Some days I only had a little hope and other days a lot of hope, but there were many more days of hope than despair.

Romans 5 says “Hope does not put us to shame because God’s love has been pour into our hearts”

Job had a lot of days of hope. Even when his friends questioned him and his faith, he still held onto his faith and his hope. Job did question God at one point but his days of hope far outnumbered his days of despair. Focusing on his faith and hope helped him win favor with God. God blessed him richly because of his faithfulness.

Having hope is a blessed thing. God wants us to have hope. Hope is mentioned 130 times in the King James Version of the Bible. Most people think hope is “hoping something will happen” but the biblical definition of hope is “confident expectation”, an assurance regarding the things in our life that are unclear and unknown.

Walking the adoption journey, we know there is a lot of unknown. We never know when a situation will come up. We never know if today will be the day we get “the call”. We stock up on baby items and decorate the nursery and try to be as prepared as possible as we know any day our precious baby may be coming home.

Every day we have hope and God loves us to have hope.

I want to close this week by encouraging you to focus on your days of hope and the hope that God gives you in this journey. There is always hope. Hope is something you can never have taken away from you.

As Scott Hamilton once said “Adoption gives hope where there is no hope”. When the world says we should give up, hope says we need to try one more time.

Dear God, please help me to focus on the moments of encouragement and hope and not on the moments of despair. Thank you for the precious gift of hope you give me.

Day 4--Hope devotion

Day 4
When we first got the email that we had been chosen by our daughter’s birthmother, we were shocked and very confused. Due to the cost of this particular situation being $10,000 over our budget, we had requested our profile not to be submitted, not just once but twice.

God had other plans though.

We found out that through an error on the agency’s part, our profile mistakenly had been submitted and we indeed had been chosen. We somehow had to raise $10,000 in 6 weeks around Christmastime or risk losing this baby girl.

2 Corinthians says “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison”.

When Job questioned God as to why he was suffering, he was confused and professed his innocence. He talked about his former happiness, wealth and honor. He was panicking as to why God would let him suffer. He didn’t see the big picture. He only saw the brief suffering and he couldn’t understand why God would allow this.

Likewise, we panicked. We didn’t see the big picture. We were scared we wouldn’t be able to raise the money in time. We didn’t know what would happen and at times we questioned why God would put us in such a situation. There were 7 other situations we had submitted our profile to only to not be chosen, all within our budget. Why weren’t we chosen for those situations instead?

But the other situations weren’t in God’s plan. We prayed and even though we knew it seemed impossible, we trusted God had a plan and a reason. We were meant for this particular situation and baby. God once again showed us He was in charge and we were miraculously able to raise the $10,000 in time, almost to the exact dollar.

In the same manner, God was also there for Job and provided for him. Job was rewarded greatly for his faithfulness and devotion to God. Even when Job didn’t understand, he trusted God, knew He had a plan and Job was rewarded for it.

God has a hand in every situation in our lives, especially on the rockiest paths of our lives. He is making something beautiful. It may not make sense now, but one day it will. That’s the beauty of having a relationship with God.

Dear God, please help me to realize even what seems impossible is possible through you. Please help me to focus on what may seem as a hardship is a building block to something even greater for me.

Day 3--Hope devotion

Day 3
There were many times in our infertility and adoption journey that I asked myself “Why? Why me, God?” I think it’s only human to ask God why we have to suffer. We don’t understand why we things don’t come easy for us, especially when it seems to come easy for others. There were many times I asked God why other couples could be matched in a situation within weeks while 6 months later we were still impatiently waiting. It didn’t seem fair at all.

Romans 5 says “We rejoice in our sufferings”.

Now why would we actually rejoice in our sufferings?

Do you think Job questioned God? Of course he did. At one point, he demanded an explanation from God. He cried out to God asking why he had to suffer. What pained him the most was God’s apparent alienation from him. He didn’t understand why God was allowing this suffering to happen to him. Job didn’t think it was fair he had to suffer so much.

It’s easy to ask “Why me?”. But sometimes we need to ask “Why not me?”

It clearly states in the Bible we will all suffer. Everybody will. There’s no question about that. But everyone’s suffering is different. Through my “suffering” I have learned to be stronger as a person, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc. I feel I’m more sympathetic and more understanding. I’ve learned to appreciate the moments with my daughter and family more, to appreciate every hug and encouragement I receive.

I’m blessed. I’m blessed God has chosen me and He thinks I was strong enough to go through this process of infertility and adoption. Someday I’ll know the true reasons why, but if I stop to think about it, I can begin to understand.

As it says in Romans 5, our suffering produces endurance which produces character which produces hope. God wants our suffering to bring us closer to Him.

It is often said that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle but that’s not true. God gives us more than we can handle so we turn to Him. Without suffering, we wouldn’t need God. God brings us through it. What an amazing feeling know God will always be there and help us.

Dear God, thank you for your wonderful blessings you give me. Thank you for the suffering I endure which gives me the blessings you provide me and the blessings I don’t deserve.

Day 2--Hope devotion

Day 2
My dream has always been to be a mother, not just to have a child but be pregnant also. In 2011, we decided to try one more time before turning to adoption. I was overjoyed when I got a positive pregnancy test on my birthday. God not only answered my prayer of being a mom but also my prayer of being pregnant. My due date was January 1, 2012.

A few days later, my world crashed as I found out I was miscarrying my babies.

What I didn’t know at the time was that God was telling me with that positive pregnancy test that I indeed was going to be a mother but not in the way I thought. Nearly 8 months after my positive test, our daughter was born. Her due date was December 27, 2011, very close to my due date had I not miscarried.

2 Corinthians says “For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal”.

When Job was tested, he lost everything. He lost his property and his family, not to mention his personal suffering. He felt like his world had crashed. What he didn’t know was that God would bless his latter part of life more than the first. Did you catch that? God blessed Job’s latter part of his life MORE than the first. He lived to be an old man and saw his children and their children grow up. He lost everything but then gained so much more.

God had given me a gift. He had given me my dream of being pregnant and motherhood. For a few days I had a tremendous amount of hope. My whole world crashed a few days later but I could only see the present, not the future. I saw God’s temporary gift, not the eternal.

God has a hand in this and is making something beautiful. It may not make sense now, but it will one day. It’s easy to lose hope and become discouraged. God is watching you and hurting even more than you to see His child in so much pain. When God takes something from your grasp, He’s not punishing you but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Only the people who are capable of great sadness are capable of great joy.

God doesn’t allow us to suffer for no reason and even though the reason may be hidden in the mystery of his divine purpose, never for us to know in this life, we must trust in him as the God who does only what is right.

Dear God, please help me to realize you have a plan for me and although I may not see it, I know you have wonderful plans for me. Thank you for your guidance.

Day 1--Hope devotion

Day 1
During our struggles with infertility and adoption, I often looked at it as walking down a rocky path. Every journey in life has its own path, but with every failed attempt during our infertility struggles and the 7 failed matches with our adoption journey, every rock (i.e. failed attempt/match) along that path seemed to get bigger. With every failed attempt and match, my hope diminished as the rocks/failures seemed to hit me harder each time.

It is hard to travel that rocky path without any hope but that’s one thing we can always have that no one can take it away from us.

2 Corinthians says “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.”

When we look at the story of Job, he suffered and he didn’t know why. I’m sure with every suffering and every loss he felt, those rocks along the path seemed to get bigger and bigger. He was tested over and over again. He walked that rocky path but he never stopped. He kept walking on that path even when the rocks kept getting bigger. He knew his godliness had been authentic and someday he would be vindicated. He could see the rocky path and the rocks but he couldn’t see the end result.

Our focus needs to be on the rocky path, not on the rocks. This is a hard path to travel but there is a purpose to every step of the path. There is a reason God chose us to be on this path and it has to be a good reason because there are no tears in heaven when we get there and find out why.

In my own experience, I know that rocky path was hard. But when I look at my daughter and hold her in my arms, those rocks along the path don’t seem as big and rough to me anymore. I still know they were there and they will never go away. But there is a certain peace I have knowing God really did have a plan for me and my special delivery became a reality when it all needed to happen at the right time.

Rugged, rocky paths can be just as beautiful as the most manicured garden path. Your journey is simply a different one—beautiful in its own right.

Dear God, please help me focus on the blessings you give me during this rocky path of adoption.

I wrote a devotion on hope :)

For those following me on FB, you may know that I was asked to help write a Christian devotional for moms in the adoption process. I was so excited and honored to be a part of it. While I was nervous, I prayed about it and I just turned in my writing today.

How exciting to know that it touched the editor so much and brought her to tears. My writing has already helped someone and it isn't even in print yet!

I wrote a 5-day devotion on hope and I'm excited to share it here.

For the next 6 days I'll be sharing what I wrote. My writing will be going through 2 editors so this won't be what will be in the devotion but I wanted to share what I wrote in my words.

Tomorrow I'll be sharing day 1. Today I'll share my introduction I wrote.

Here is the introduction:

Hope
This week we focus on the topic of hope in infertility and domestic adoption. Tammy Wondra uses the story of Job combined with scriptures of 2 Corinthians and Romans 5 to remind us of the gift of hope that God has blessed us with. Even in times we lose hope during the long process of infertility and adoption, God is always behind the scenes with an even bigger plan for us, just like in the inspiring story of Job.

Getting to know Tammy
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We live in Wisconsin. We struggled with infertility for 8 years, undergoing several treatments. God called us to adopt after a miscarriage in April 2011 and our daughter, Hannah, was born in December 2011. Hannah was named after Hannah in the Bible and her struggles with infertility as her story was an inspiration to us during our infertility and adoption journeys. Our story is full of miracles and God truly shows His hand in the part of bringing our daughter into our lives.

Hannah is now 2-1/2 years old and is our pride and joy. I work at home as a medical transcriptionist. My husband, Mark, is currently struggling with health issues and is disabled but God continues to show us His wonderful blessings and provides us with so much more than we deserve and we live each day striving to live for Him.

More of our story and the blessings God has provided for us can be found at my blog: www.twondra.blogspot.com

Scripture Focus:
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand and we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

My take on the ALS ice bucket challenge

My note: I'm not posting this to start a debate. I post to voice my feelings and let Hannah hear "my voice" some day. Everything I write is so Hannah will have a journal of her mom's feelings, secrets, life, etc. That's mostly what my blog is now about. You may disagree with this, but I'm not trying to start a debate, change anyone's feelings, etc. I love writing for Hannah and I want her to know as much as she can about her mom. All negative responses will be deleted as I don't want any negativity here. Thank you!


I'm sure everyone's heard about the ALS ice bucket challenge and I'm sure a lot of people have been a part of it.

I absolutely love that ALS is getting the awareness. Fortunately I don't know anyone who has the disease or has had it but I know it is a horrible disease. A cure needs to be found. I think the ice bucket challenge has been wonderful to raise awareness. Some people think it's a waste of time but I sure don't. I'm not even that bothered by the "waste of water". Skip a shower for the day and you've "wasted" less water. Although I have to say the challenges that involve a truckful of water or huge, unnecessary buckets of water do bother me. I don't feel it's necessary for that.

I'm getting off track though.

There are a couple things that do bother me about the challenge.

ALS.org does embryonic stem cell research and donations to ALS.org are funding that research. Basically people are donating and they are killing babies with their donations.

I know to some people that sounds harsh but it's true. Embryonic stem cell research takes a blastocyst (an early stage preimplantation embryo that is stage 4-5 days post fertilization) and isolate the inner cell mass (ICM) which results in destruction (death) of the blastocyst. ALS.org has also done research on 8-week aborted babies--babies who already have a beating heart and even get the hiccups.

I've lost 10 embryos during our IVF and frozen embryo cycles. One day I will be reunited in heaven. Hannah's birth mother was 100% pro-life and would never have aborted Hannah but I know a lot of people who have adopted and over half have stated their birth mothers had thought about aborting--over HALF! And I've seen so many pictures of these precious babies who were so close to not being here.

So you bet your bottom dollar I'm going to fight for these babies. They don't have a voice and we need to speak for them.

We all were embryos at one point---something to think about.

Everyone has their beliefs on when life begins and whether or not an embryo is a life. I'm not here to change anyone's mind. I can tell you that having gone through IVF and watching embryos being created, seeing the pictures, seeing the embryos being transferred into my body and seeing the positive pregnancy test, you bet I believe embryos are human life. To me and my beliefs, human life begins at fertilization.

I'm not saying research into ALS isn't important--not at all. But there are so many organizations doing research that DOESN'T include embryonic stem cell research. I strongly believe that we should do anything we can to find a cure--anything but killing innocent babies. There is no reason to do that when research being done without it is making just as much progress as embryonic stem cell research.

What also bothers me is how people try to explain why it's okay to do embryonic stem cell research. "Babies are miracles but so are children and adults". I agree--everyone is important. But not at the expense of another human being, especially when there are so many other more ethical organizations to donate to. I could never say my husband is more important than my baby and vice versa.

The thought of abortions and people discarding embryos is a very hard pill for me to swallow--very hard. Nobody would "discard" a child or baby in an orphanage waiting to be adopted. Nobody would do research on one of those children either. People may read that and think "That's totally different". My response--no, it's not, it's exactly the same.

What makes me even more sad is watching so many of my Christian friends seeming to think that because it's an organization doing research to help, it must be okay. Or because it's such a big hype right now, it "must" be okay. I've even had some say "well, I don't agree with what they are doing or it might not be the best way to go about it, but at least they're trying to find a cure".

That's so sad to me. It's the devil working in people. It's the sinful nature of this world. There are so many organizations who are more ethical and go by the Bible doing the same--trying to find a cure for ALS---that it just breaks my heart to hear Christians just "giving in" to social pressure and just assuming "it's okay".

I want to voice my beliefs and share. I am pro-life, will always be pro-life and I will always stand up for what is right and for God.

Some day I hope the killing of babies will be illegal--abortions, embryonic stem cell research, discarding embryos, etc., so these types of controversies won't even be an issue.

My heart will continue to break for the killing of precious, innocent babies until that day comes and I will continue to fight for the babies who can't fight for themselves.

My little gymnast

What hit me this weekend

I have many moments when I look at my life & I start crying in complete awe because of where I am

This weekend was one of those moments. I was so grateful for my struggle with infertility. 

I went to a baby shower of a friend who had struggled with infertility & like me had always wanted children. I walked the journey with her, cried tears of sadness for her & literally jumped for joy when I found out she was pregnant. 

And what a complete honor to go to her baby shower. 

As I sat there, I realized without the struggle of infertility, I wouldn't be there. I wouldn't have the bond I have with this friend. I certainly wouldn't have my miracle baby. And the hostess of the baby shower is an amazing friend of mine I met because of infertility & her kids have been in Hannah's life since the day she was born & have been her #1 babysitters.  The family has become our family

A family I wouldn't have without the struggle of infertility. I struggle I HATED for years & now I'm so grateful for. 

Where would I be without infertility? I have no idea & to be honest the thought scares me because I can't imagine my life without my daughter, her babysitters & their family & the wonderful people I've met. 

Thank you God. You've given me so much more than I deserve. 

Here is a picture of my miracle baby holding a miracle baby. This picture brings tears to my eyes every single time I see it. 

I am so blessed. 

Fun at the fair

This weekend was our local fair & Hannah had so much fun. 

She got to see so many animals. 

Of course she went on rides & went on the Ferris wheel for the first time!

We found the cutest animals at the fair

And the not so cute...

She was even in the clogging show:

Overall a very fun but busy weekend. :). We love the fair!!

Cascade Falls

Not too far away from where we live, we have a waterfall called Cascade Falls. We had always talked about going there but we hadn't until today. Kinda sad when great things are right by you & you don't see it. :(

But at least we made it. :)

It was quite the walk down to the bottom & it was hard for Mark but he was determined to get down there. We just took our time. 

Hannah on the bridge. She's singing of course --what else would she be doing? 

Mark

Hannah down at the falls 

Daddy & Hannah 

Mommy & Hannah 

A big scare

One of the things I like to make sure I document and talk about are Hannah and Mark together---the good times and bad times. They have an amazing bond and I always want them to remember that.

As most people know, Mark is a diabetic with serious health issues. He struggles literally every day with some kind of pain, insulin reaction, etc. There is always something.

A few days ago, Hannah and I had traveled a couple hours away for a birthday party. Normally I don't do that as I'm too far away for my own comfort in case something happens, but Mark insisted he was fine so we decided to go.

Like I always do when I'm gone from Mark for awhile, I called him every couple hours to make sure he was okay.

After awhile, though, he stopped answering the phone and it went straight to voicemail. At first, I wasn't too concerned, thinking maybe he was outside for a minute or on the phone or something. But when it became 45 min and he still wasn't answering the phone, I became very nervous.

On my drive home, I was extremely nervous. I didn't have a good feeling. I kept praying to God that this not be the end. Mark has told me many times that when he dies, he wants me there holding his hand. I couldn't bear the thought if that didn't happen and I had had a chance to make that happen.

I had hoped Hannah would fall asleep during the drive but she didn't. She was her normal self, unaware of what was going on, just singing away---while I struggled to not burst into tears.

Not sure what we were going to walk into, when we got home, I told Hannah "Now we have to go in and see Daddy, but I want you to stay behind Mommy, okay?". I didn't want her to be the first to see him if it was bad.

When we walked in the house, I immediately yelled Mark's name in which I heard a low groan. A groan that made my heart settle a bit....at least he was alive.

I ran into the living room with Hannah on my heels and found him on the couch. His eyes were glassy, he was extremely pale and he was sweating profusely--an immediate sign of a low sugar reaction. He looked awful.

However, to Hannah, he was Daddy and to her, nothing was wrong. She immediately grabbed his hand and started telling him all about the party and everything she did. He wasn't responding at all, even to her voice.

I leaned down and said to Hannah "Daddy's sick. I need your help, ok? We have to get some medicine for Daddy and I need you to keep talking to him, ok?"

Hannah said "Ok Mommy!" and immediately ran to the kitchen to the freezer where she knew where his "medicine" was---sherbet.

I helped get the sherbet down and we went right back to Daddy. Hannah wanted to help so desperately. Knowing he probably wouldn't be able to eat much (his teeth were clenched so tight), I figured I'd have to get a sugar shot into him.

So while Hannah was trying desperately to get sherbet into Mark (all the sherbet landed on his chest instead of his mouth), I went into the bathroom and got his sugar shot. When I came back out, Hannah was desperately trying to get Mark to eat the sherbet. When I started giving him his shot, I explained to Hannah that this shot would help him feel better--just like the other shots he gets.

After I gave him his shot, Hannah reached for Mark's hand and said "Now you'll feel better Daddy!"

It took about 10 min for Mark to start coming to and Hannah never left his side. She kept holding his hand and kept talking to him about the party.

When Mark started coming to and he looked over at Hannah, I'll never forget the reaction on her face when she knew Mark was starting to respond. She looked at me and pointed at Mark and said "Mommy, look! Daddy's awake!"

And then to see the huge smile on Mark's face when he saw Hannah--priceless.

It was a terrifying experience for me. It certainly hasn't been the first time it's happened and certainly won't be the last time. These happen so quickly and we never know when it will happen. One minute I was talking to Mark on the phone, sounding just fine, only to have him go into a reaction less than an hour later.

It's always on my mind. I can never fully enjoy any event I go to. I'm always wondering if Mark is okay. I always wonder what I'll come home to. I feel guilty leaving the house for anything. Even a trip to the grocery store can cause anxiety for me.

But what I can be so proud of is the way my little girl handles it, how she responds and how she can be Mommy's little helper.

And the best is seeing her reaction when Mark finally comes to.

She's so excited to see her Daddy and he's so excited to see her.

Our Gotcha Day

Gotcha Day is a very special day that we will be celebrating every year. We had so much fun this year. We did things Hannah loves to do. 

First we got a donut. She was more excited about the Scooby Doo ring than her donut. :). 

After our donut, we met up with a friend who took a few family pics & Fourth of July pictures. We had lots of fun! She has 3 girls who I used to coach gymnastics with & it had been awhile since I had seen them. It was so great to see them again!!

Here are a couple of my favorites. 

After that, we went to McDonalds. She was able to choose wherever she wanted to go & of course she chose McDs. :)

Next we went to a hotel near the MOA that has a huge kiddie pool. We had gone there before after Mark's long hospital stay as a treat for Hannah after going through so much & she LOVED the pool! So what better way to celebrate Gotcha Day than going back. She had so much fun!!

Then we went out to eat at the Grille next to the hotel & that was so delicious!

It was a wonderful day & memories were made. A great day to celebrate family. I LOVE Gotcha Day!