Our toilet seat

Not too many people will blog about a toilet seat, but I will.

We've had a wood toilet seat since we bought the house 8 years ago. About a month ago, a crack developed in it and every time I sat down, the seat would "pinch" my butt.

It didn't feel so good.

So, we finally decided that we needed to get a new toilet seat.

I didn't think it would be such a hard decision.

We're standing at the store looking at the different kinds. We find the wood seat that matched our old one and also matched the wood work in our bathroom. However, there was a nice, "squishy", pretty, cream-colored one with pretty butterflies on it.

Mark wanted the wood one and I wanted the squishy one as I knew it would be comfortable on my butt. I'm kind of partial to that thing.

We couldn't agree. I'm sure we were quite the sight in the middle of the store arguing about toilet seats and I'm sure it looked real good when I kept saying things like "But this would feel so good on your butt" and "Feel how squishy this is! Wouldn't you want to sit on this?"

Not wanting to create too much of a scene and kind of seeing Mark's point about butterflies being "girly", we decided....correction, Mark decided...to get the wood seat.

Now, what would you guys rather have:

1. A toilet seat that matches your wood decor but has the potential to pinch your butt

2. A toilet seat with a nice, squishy cushion, therefore making your bathroom experience much more enjoyable

Why Infertility??

Thank you so much to everyone for your responses on my transfer date set! I'm so grateful to all of you! It means a lot!!

I want to share something that a friend emailed me recently. It really touched me and I wanted to share it.

Here it is:

Why Inferility?

I think infertility was given to me to become stronger and love deeper. I think infertility was given to me to find the fortitude within myself to get up every time infertility knocks me down. I think infertility was given to me for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and create procedures and protocols. I think infertility was given to me to find a cure for infertility.

No. Infertility was not given to me to not have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, infertility was given to me for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, of which I have fulfilled.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think infertility was given to me to single me out for a special treatment. I think infertility was given to me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that people who have never dealt with infertility could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what is meant when infertility was handed to me. I already know.”

Transfer is set!!

I can officially say that our transfer date is set!

And the date is.....

APRIL 7!!

I go in for a trial transfer/saline hysterogram on February 28 and then have a nurse consult on March 3rd. They'll be sending out an informational packet to let me know when I start the birth control pills and hormones.

Can ya believe it? :)

The ironic thing is shortly after I had the transfer date set, I got a call from ReproTech stating that they received the paperwork and charged our credit card and now we were the official owners of the embryos.

We're PARENTS!!!

The rep from ReproTech asked if we knew about when we were going to use the embryos. I caught her off guard when I said "I can tell you the exact date we'll be using them!". She said she would be in contact with my clinic and guaranteed they will be there for us and would take care of it.

Such a relief!

Now if you have a fabulous memory, you may remember that we had our last FET with our embryos in the spring 2010. The exact date?

April 9, 2010

I'm feeling just a little deja vu here and in all honesty, it makes me a little nervous. Last time we had 3 "perfect" embryos and this time we have 3 "perfect" embryos. Last year our transfer was April 9 and this year it will be April 7. Last year my beta was drawn on my birthday and, of course, this year will be drawn around my birthday....again.

I try to keep telling myself this is different. Totally different embryos, totally different situation. Just because it didn't work last time doesn't mean it won't work this time. I find myself giving myself a pep talk all the time.

I really scared and nervous. I don't want to go through the same thing as I did last year. It was devastating.

But again....Tammy, different embryos, different situation. This year could be the best birthday present...a positive beta. God could be making up for last year.

I'm up for any other great words of wisdom and advice to help

c-a-l-m

m-e

d-o-w-n. :)

Here we go again guys! Thanks so much for coming on this ride with me! I couldn't do it without all your support and love!

Happy birthday Sam and Mia!!

I can't believe it's been a year since Sam and Mia were born, our precious babies' sisters.

In the past year, I've been so lucky to be able to watch them grow and become the sweet angels they are. I love to see pictures of them and only wish I lived closer so I could see them more. I miss them so much.

One of the best days of my life was meeting Sam and Mia.

Happy birthday Sam and Mia! Your Auntie Tammy loves you so very much!


Mark and I with Sam and Mia last April when we met them.


Sam and I


Mark and Mia

Blog Award

Thank you so much Breen, Michelle, Angelwingsbaby and Melissa for the Stylish Blogger Award! It means a lot!

Here are the rules:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award 15 other bloggers
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award

Ah, 7 things about myself. This is always so interesting. :)

1. I have about 400 or so beanie babies. Remember the beanie baby craze about 10 years ago or more? Well, I collected all that I could find. Now I have them displayed only because the kids love them so much. Otherwise, I'm not sure what I'll do with them when the kids grow up and no longer like them so much.

2. I'm actually closer to my stepson's age than I am my husband's age.

3. I keep track of my bowel movements. Yeah, you read that right. I have one every morning between 8 and 9 and if I don't, I get concerned.

4. I hate shaving my legs. Mark has to practically beg me to shave them in the winter.

5. I love traveling. I've been fortunate to be able to travel to places I've always wanted to. I still would love to go to Alaska and Sweden. Those are on my bucket list.

6. I really don't like scary movies very much but I'm really looking forward to Scream 4. I can't wait to see that one.

7. Doogie farts a lot and they smell.

And I'm going to award this to:
1. Katie
2. Melody
3. Amber
4. Chelle
5. Tina
6. Tiffany
7. Trace
8. Stacey
9. Lyndsey
10. Wildflowers
11. Heather
12. Brittney
13. Michell
14. Shannon
15. Mrs. La La

I'll never live this down

Thank you all for the wonderful support and love with our news! It's such a joy to share with you all when we receive so much support. So thank you!

Saturday we had our Wondra Christmas party. Yes, I know it's almost February but last Saturday was the only day we could host it and nobody else wanted to host it so we had it then.

We were pretty busy in the morning getting everything ready. I was feeling a little tired, but really felt fine.

Everyone came and I started feeling a little sick to my stomach. I thought maybe I just needed to eat and so I grabbed a little something to eat.

About 10 minutes later, I told Mark I was going to go lay down for a little bit as I didn't feel good. The next thing I knew, I was puking.

Yes, I was hosting the Wondra Christmas party and I was sick as a dog. And it didn't take long for everyone to realize that I was sick and how fast it had hit.

Luckily, they all felt comfortable to stay for a few hours and enjoy themselves. I, myself, stayed in bed until 4 in the afternoon the next day with a fever, horrible headache and stomachache.

I can tell you, I will never live this one down. At least I gave all the Wondras a good laugh. They think I'm brillant to get sick during a Wondra party. And a great way to "host". Wow, have I gotten teased.

I admit, it was horrible timing. It could've happened any other day but it just had to come on and so suddenly the one day of the year that I host all the Wondras. Oh, well. At least I gave them a laugh. :)

I'm feeling just fine now. So far Mark hasn't gotten sick and we pray he doesn't. I think everyone else in my family has had it but we've been lucky that Mark hasn't as we know if he gets it, he'll end up in the hospital. :(

**knock on wood** I'm afraid I just jinxed it.

So proud to say......

we are the parents of 3 beautiful, perfect embryos!

Yeah, I may be a little biased, but I think they are so beautiful and perfect. :)

After a week of much thought, praying, obsessing, analyzing and calling and faxing my doctor quite a bit, we made our choice and we were happy to get our first choice of embryos!

When we first picked our favorites, we called our doctor who didn't like any of our choices....Murphy's law. We were hoping that at least one of our favorites would be his favorite but that didn't happen.

At first, I was uncomfortable with his top choice and prayed about it. After awhile, I felt it in my heart that we should look at that profile again. So, we did and honestly we liked it a lot better. I called our doctor and explained our reservations about it and he reassured me. We both felt better about the decision then.

What is really amazing to me is that I have a very good friend who had called me shortly after we got the profiles and wanted to let me know there there was "no wrong decision". Another friend emailed me the next day and wrote in big capital letters "THERE IS NO WRONG DECISION". Then, that same night, my friend called me once again and said she felt it in her heart to make sure I knew that there was "no wrong decision". I knew God was telling me something. :)

So, right now we just have to get the paperwork in and the fees for the embryos (..gulp..) and then we officially take ownership. They are on hold for us right now.

And in typical Wondra nut fashion, we have nicknamed our precious embryos:

Walnut

Wingnut

Washer nut

I'll let you guess who nicknamed wingnut and washer nut. :)

Christmas Eve 2010

It's tradition that on Christmas Eve my parents and brother come down to our house for supper. I work all day and my brother travels up from Chicago so it works out well for all of us.

And it's nice to get together, even if we see each other the next day....and the next day (as it's Tyler's birthday on the 26th).

Lots of family togetherness. :)


Here we are sitting down for supper


Here is Doogie pouting because he wasn't invited to the table


Here we are playing cards after supper. Mark loves having pictures taken


Mark's giving the thumbs up as he's spent the last 3 Christmases in the hospital and he made it through this Christmas Eve without getting sick. He was so proud. :)


Mark and I

Are you sick of pictures yet? :)

Some bummer news

To some this may not seem that bad but to me, I'm devastated.

We had our in-home interview with the service dog people today. Everything went great and it sounds like we'll get approved.....with the exception of one thing.

We gotta give Doogie a new home.

My heart sank.

Apparently a second dog is too much of a distraction for a diabetic service dog. I can see their point and it's understandable. Right away when she walked in and saw Doogie, she made a comment that she didn't think we had a dog and if she would've known that, she would've addressed that before driving "all the way out here".

Well, we were never told a second dog would be an issue and we felt that should been brought up. There was a spot on the application that asked about other dogs, but we applied back in September shortly after we lost Eddie and we were lonely and missed having a dog so got Doogie a few weeks after we applied. We didn't think it would be an issue.

But it is.

Mark's saying he would never give up Doogie. I don't see it as a choice. A service dog is much more of a priority than a "pet dog".

I asked about Doogie being a service dog and they said it's possible but not likely as Doogie has to undergo health screenings and tests and the fact that he has been with us for a few months and not trained and used to Mark's scents, it will be hard to train him when Mark has a low sugar reaction.

It is possible that we can have someone else watch Doogie for a few months while the service dog is in training and then slowly wean Doogie back in but they didn't think that would work because Doogie is only 2 and still a pup and wouldn't be "laid back" and calm enough to handle another dog.

Yeah, I guess I brought this on myself by getting a dog, but it's still so tough. Doogie was going to be my dog while Mark had his own dog.

And we've become so attached to Doogie. He's my baby. My sweet baby boy.

Why is it that I can't hold onto things I want so bad? A baby and now it seems I have to give up Doogie. Just doesn't seem fair.

Peyton's Christmas school program and Doogie

There is nothing cuter than a 4K Christmas program. The kids are sooooo cute. And what an eye opener when they announce the class as the "class of 2024".

Kind of a sad realization. :( And yet, so cute. :)



Here are a couple pictures of Peyton during her program


Proud brother Jamie

And I have share a couple pictures of Doogie.

This is obviously a close-up. This was literally milliseconds before I was attacked by his tongue


Doogie with his sideways look. We get that "confused", puppy face a lot. So cute. :)

Tyler and Peyton's Christmas program

I have so many pictures and posts to share.

First, thanks for all your helpful advice regarding choosing the embryos. Both Mark and I feel good about it and we're anxious to hear what our RE says. And as tough as choosing among 11, I can't imagine choosing among 40! Wow. Now that would be tough.

I have to share these pictures of Tyler and Peyton's Christmas program at church. Peyton was Mary and Tyler was a shepard. They were so cute. :)


Here is Tyler. Can you sense his excitement?


Here is Peyton


Peyton lost her cover-up on her head and she thought it was so funny!


And here is Tyler again. The excitement didn't change throughout the program.

The kids did great throughout the program and I give the leaders so much credit. I can't imagine working with all those little kids.

More pictures to come :)

Our embryo packet came!!

We just got back from vacation today. I know I have a ton of blogs to catch up on and I definitely will be doing that. Plus, I have pictures from Christmas, Tyler's birthday and, of course, vacation. But, I had to share that we got our embryo packet while we were away!

In it was a h-u-g-e packet describing each of the 11 (yes, 11) sets of embryos and they are asking we give our first, second and third choices and send it back to them by 01-17-11.

Now the question is how? How in the world do we choose?

I can see lots of people just saying to pick the ones with the best chances. And we will be getting our doctor's input on that for sure.

But, really, when you think about it, we could be choosing our children. How in the world do you pick a first, second and third choice when you're choosing children? How do you decide?

I've been looking at the packets all afternoon. I've ruled out 2 that make me a little nervous. In both sets, the egg donor had histories of miscarriages and even though their genetic testing came back normal, it still makes me a little nervous as my genetic testing came back normal and I was told I still had an egg issue. So, those 2 sets make me too nervous.

Another one also made me a little nervous as the family history on both sides is full of cancer including testicular cancer in the sperm donor at the age of 29. But, we haven't ruled that one out completely.

So, basically out of 11, we've ruled out 2. And it's sooooo hard to narrow it down any further.

Honestly, I don't really rely on "grades" or "blasts" or the medical stuff as I've had "perfect" 4AA blasts transferred that didn't survive and I've seen others with "less than stellar" embryos have live births. So, I know it doesn't matter what the grades are and that it's really in God's hands.

But, really, how in the world do you choose?

Anyone who has been in my shoes and needing to choose embryos, I would love, love, love (did I say love) your advice.

Thanks so much!

I'll be back

We're on vacation right now for a week and the resort doesn't have internet in the room. :( We have to go to the main lobby for internet. I'm bummed as I was going to get caught up on email and blogs and I can't. :( So sorry. Just know I'm thinking and praying for you all!

If there are any special prayer requests or big news, please email or comment here. I want to know!

Thanks sooooooo much to everyone for your support yesterday and your comments and prayers. It means so much. Writing that letter was such great therapy for me.

Again, I promise to get caught up later. I'm really bummed that I can't get internet in our room. But I promise I'm thinking and praying for you all!!

Love to you all!

To my babies

Dear Peanut, Hazelnut and Lugnut,

Today would have been my due date, possibly the day we would’ve taken you home, possibly you would be home already, in my arms, and quite possibly you could still be in my tummy waiting to make your appearance.

Instead, you’re in heaven, in Jesus’ arms, smiling, laughing, and singing with the angels.

I’ll never forget the day you came into our lives. I remember exactly where I was and the time of day that I was sitting at the computer reading the e-mail from Kami asking us if we would like to adopt you guys. I remember the shock, the joy, nervousness and excitement and the tears as I ran to give your daddy the news. And the expression on your daddy’s face, the hope that I hadn’t seen in a long time.

I remember your sisters being born. It was such a glorious day. I felt like a proud auntie when Sam and Mia were born. I started daydreaming about the day you guys reunited with your sisters and the joy we would all feel.

And then the trip to Michigan where we finally met you after months of waiting. First, it was the tears when we found out that you, Hazelnut, didn’t survive the thaw. Then, it was the tears of joy as we watched you, Peanut and Lugnut, being transferred to me. It was the most amazing feeling as I was being wheeled out and then calling a friend and actually saying the words “I’m pregnant!”

Then, meeting your genetic mother. I’ll never forget seeing her for the first time. I couldn’t stop crying. I hugged her and I couldn’t let her go. I knew at that moment that she loved us all so very much and I knew how blessed we all were to have her in our lives. We were a family.

For the next 2 weeks, I felt like the most proud mother ever. I had 2 beautiful, precious babies inside of me. No one could tell me that I wasn’t pregnant for those 2 weeks because I saw you guys being transferred to me. I know at some point in those 2 weeks you guys passed away inside me but I also know I was pregnant with twins and I was so unbelievably proud.

Words can’t describe how devastated we were when we found out you guys wouldn’t be here with us on Earth.

As I think about what “could’ve been”, my hear t feels like it’s in a million pieces. Sometimes the lump is so big in my throat that it hurts to even breathe. Sometimes I’ll stand in the shower and just sob because the water from the shower can drown out those sobs. Sometimes I get angry. I don’t understand why
.
But I know life couldn’t be better for you guys right now. Your life is perfect. And although I’ve never been privileged to see your beautiful smiles and laughs, I’ve also never had to endure the pain of watching your tears and pain.

And I know that when your daddy and I get to heaven, it will be the most joyous reunion. I can just picture you guys running to the gates with Eddie running at your side to greet us. Then I’ll be able to hold you and hug you forever and see those smiles and laughs.

What a precious day that will be.

Until then, you will always be in my heart and never far away from my thoughts and prayers.

I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever and always.

Love,
Mommy