Talk about lazy....and Tyler's T-ball pics!!!

We ran out of Kleenex in the bathroom and Mark gets another box....so he puts the full box on top of the empty box......ah, huh?

I'm sure other people do this too, but really, how hard is it to take the empty roll off the spinner thing and put a new one on? Ah, duh....

Okay, honestly here, I'm the culprit with the toilet paper. I'm bad about that. But I can't rip on Mark without ripping on myself. :)

Tyler's T-ball pics!

Tyler batting

Tyler on base

Tyler playing first base. He spent most of the time cleaning the base. :) He's such a clean freak sometimes. :)

Random pics

Mark and Tammy being normal

Michelle, is there something you should be telling us?

Michelle sent us this outfit. Isn't it so cute?

My mom made this for us for our anniversary. We love it!

I'll be sharing some pics of Tyler in T-ball soon. :)

I had quite the experience yesterday

First of all, I want to say thanks so much to everyone for all your support and words of wisdom and encouragement. It means so much to hear from people who understand so much. Thanks so much you guys!

I don't know if people have heard about the missing autistic man who wandered away from a camp near Grantsburg, Wisconsin. I live about 20 miles away from that camp and my grandparents used to live about a mile from that camp. My mom also grew up in Grantsburg. So, this situation hit a little close to home. Plus, this autistic man had a kidney transplant and that also hit close to home for me. I knew the importance of getting antirejection meds into the body on a daily basis.

This man had been missing for a week and yesterday was to be the last organized search. I knew I had to do something and my parents did too. So we spent Sunday morning helping. We literally walked through knee-high swamp, prickly ash, poison ivy, lots of brush, etc. It was horrible. I fell so many times. I picked off so many ticks..I lost count at 12. I was involved with the search for about 5 hours and then had to head home to check on Mark. My mom stayed the whole day.

Driving home, you would have thought I would feel good about myself having at least been there and done something, but I felt horrible. I wish we would have found something. I felt helpless and horrible leaving, knowing I could be doing something more and knowing if this man was still out there alive, he needed to be found...and here I was just leaving. I felt horrible.

I don't know if anyone has been involved with a search and rescue, but I'm sure you can understand.

Mark thanked me for going to help look. It hit home to him too. We both were devastated that we couldn't find him yesterday knowing that yesterday was the last organized search. It's the worst feeling. I know if they would have kept the search going today, I'd be up there in a heartbeat.

Then, on the 9:00 news, it came up as breaking news that on the last organized search of the night, in a place they had searched 2-3 times already THEY FOUND HIM ALIVE! He was curled up in a fetal position, extremely dehydrated and not doing well, but he was alive! Mark and I were absolutely beside ourselves. You would have thought it was our own family member...and I guess in a way it was. A lot of people don't realize that when you have a transplant, you've joined a "family" and a bond with our transplanted people that is hard to explain and understand.

I'm just excited beyond words that he was found. I hope and pray now that his kidney is okay and he'll be okay. He's in the same hospital right now as Mark was for his transplant which is arguably the best transplant hospital in the nation.

It truly was a miracle.....and to think I helped in a small way to accomplish this miracle.

What do you think?

I was talking to a friend yesterday. She's such a sweetie and the things she said to me were so sweet....but it got me thinking and golly gee, I hate it when that happens. :)

We were talking about my sleeping patterns. I don't sleep real good, basically because I worry about Mark and him going through an insulin reaction. She made a very good point that when I'm pregnant, I'll definitely need my sleep which I knew. The baby will need to come first obviously and I need to do everything to protect the baby. She wasn't sure how I was going to be able to take care of an "adult infant" and a newborn when the baby comes. Plus, the fact that Mark has reactions and doesn't know what he does all the time during them is a little scary...like what if he decided to pick up the baby and he dropped him/her or something happened? I'd be there, but you just never know.

So, she thought I should look into nursing homes....just look into pricing and stuff and know what I'm getting myself into just in case I had to make a decision. She did tell me I'm going to make the best mom because I'm always thinking of others before myself.....a beautiful thing to say but I don't know about that. I feel selfish.

So, she got me thinking. I know realistically she's right. I just don't know if I can do it. I know Mark would hate me forever.....and what would people think? I get pregnant and then put Mark in a nursing home? I really can't imagine not having Mark here....it would be too hard not to. Even when he was in the hospital and I worked half a day, it would be so hard to see his side of the bed and him not being there or his empty chair or bowl of pills.

So, if that's the case and I'm always thinking of others, why am I trying to have a baby? Am I crazy? With this situation, what am I doing? I feel very selfish. The truth is, though (and this might sound bad), I want to be a mother more than anything and that is my top priority right now....even before Mark, which sounds bad. I just know if something were to happen to Mark, I would really regret not having a baby....I NEED to be a mother.

So what do I do? People have told me that God will provide and He'll watch out for me, Mark and the baby, which is true. I mean, all things happen for good. But, I just wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But I want this so bad it kills me that I don't have it. I've thought about relying more on family, but I can't really do that with his family. His brother was going to come over a few days ago to mow the lawn...never showed. His sister was going to come over yesterday to visit...never showed. I know my family would be here in a heart beat, so that makes me feel a little better. I mean, I called my mom at 2:30 in the morning because Mark wasn't responding during an insulin reaction and she had me call 9-1-1 and she came down immediately in record time. And I know all my family would do that.

I've thought about home health care, but insurance only pays for 6 weeks. It's better than nothing, but it sure would add up.

So, what do you guys think? I hope I don't get negative feedback saying I'm a horrible wife and I'm crazy to be thinking about having a baby, but I respect any and all comments. Thanks you guys!!

Thanks!

Thanks so much you guys for your support! It means so much. I'm still feeling down but I'm trying to focus on the positive. I'll be okay with the help and support of my friends--thanks! :)

I talked to my therapist yesterday and she described the situation so well. She explained it better, but I'll try the best I can. :) She described this journey I'm on as a walk through a desert on a rocky path. Along the path, I can see the beautiful plants and flowers that show me the reasons I'm on this path. However, there may be times that I twist an ankle or stumble and I get upset and yell. And that's okay and to be expected. God understands that and accepts it and He can handle it.

Isn't that a great visual? It definitely helps me to realize that I'm normal and that my feelings are okay.

I want to share a funny story that happened while Mark was being discharged from the hospital. He still had his IV in so I was helping him get his pants on and was trying to pull up what I thought was his gown out of the way and I was struggling.

Mark: Ah, what are you doing?
Tammy: Well, I'm trying to get your pants up, but your gown keeps falling down so I'm trying to pull that up. I'm so frustrated. It just won't stay up.
Mark: Ah, that's no gown there, Tammy Mae. That's my underwear. You just gave me the biggest wedgie ever. Can you see the hair on my head standing straight up?

Where's my happy place?

I don't understand how I can be in a happy place and then so quickly spiral down into depression and anger. I hate that feeling and I hate when I get angry at God because He truly is a good God.

I don't want to give out too much information because I'm not sure who all reads my blog and I don't want to sound judgmental or anything. Mark and I were shocked by news of a pregnancy--one that we never would've expected. Not to worry--I'm not going to be a grandmother (now wouldn't that have been the shocker....grandmother before mother). But this pregnancy was definitely not planned and we know they aren't prepared. She's been through a lot in her life and is dealing with a lot right now. They may make the greatest parents....I don't know. I just know they have some growing up to do. They aren't married and are young.

I guess I'm a little frustrated and angry right now. And I guess I'm embarrassed and ashamed. Why do they get to be parents and we don't? Why does it come so easy for them and not us? I'm embarrassed that I work so hard and spend lots of money to be pregnant and they aren't prepared and it just happens. I do realize we have a lot going on with our lives and having a baby is going to add a lot of stress and I know some people wonder what the heck we're doing, but it's a dream of ours. I believe we'd make good parents and we're prepared as much as we can be, although you never really are fully prepared, I know.

I know things happen for a reason and maybe I'm just a little vulnerable right now and things just get to me. I'm just having a hard time being happy for them and I don't like that feeling.

I just want to be happy and find my happy place. I don't want a reason to be angry with God. He's too good.

Mark's home!!

I was holding off to let everyone know as Mark had a bad night last night and I was worried he was going to need to go back. But, nope. :) We got out Sunday morning. He was sick last night but he was able to keep his pills down, just nothing else. He has a bad cough and he left the hospital with a lot of wheezes, so that's a bit concerning. But, overall, he's doing much better and it feels good to be home.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers!

Sunday ramblings

We haven't seen the doctor yet today but I'm pretty sure we're going home! Mark is doing much, much better and he's very anxious to get home. I think if the doctor wouldn't let Mark go home, I think he would hear the wrath of Mark Christopher Wondra. :) It'll be nice to get home and sleep in our own beds.

I know from the way my posts sound, I sound like I'm always happy, huh? I'm sure it's pretty annoying that it seems like things just don't bother me. But, trust me, they definitely do. I get angry, sad, disappointed, you name it. Just ask my therapist. :) I ask the why questions and wonder why we go through everything we do. I question God and why things happen the way they do.

But I try to look at the positive in situations or try to see the good, although I admit sometimes that's much easier said than done. For example, Wednesday morning I had had an appointment with my therapist and we had discussed possibly taking this month off. I had been under a lot of stress with the insurance stuff and I was 4 days late with my period. I'm never late. Even when Mark had his transplant, I was right on time. So, it was kind of an eye opener for me. When I talked to Mark on Wednesday about it, he agreed that maybe we should take a month off. I didn't want to take yet another month off, but I was leaning towards it. I figured I would know for sure what I wanted to do as my cycle progressed. Not long after Mark and I talked about it, Mark started getting sick and he ended up in the hospital. At that moment, I knew we were supposed to take the next month off. I was angry and disappointed and I remember thinking, God, I get it, I understand...take this month off....but did you really have to put Mark in the hospital?

But then I realized...that was exactly what I wanted. God had answered my prayers. He gave me the direct answer on what to do this month and there was no question about it. And Mark is fine and will be going home today. I can know that this is what God wanted.

So, even though it may sound like I'm part of the Brady Bunch where life is always grand and I'm always happy...I'm not. I definitely have my days where I question why and get down because my life isn't as easy as it seems like for others. But I realize there is a reason and I just try to look on the bright side of things because I know if I didn't, I would lead a very sad, depressing life and I don't want to do that. Even though I know I can't always be happy, I want to be satisfied with my life and know that there is a reason and that some day I'll know why.

And I know it can always be worse. Mark could've had to be transferred an hour away, it could've been his heart, he could've lost the kidney, he could've been the "Code Blue" we had a couple days ago or, worse yet, he wouldn't be coming home with me. But instead, he's okay, his heart is good, his kidney is great and he's coming home to spend Father's Day with his boys. God truly is good.

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers!

Hospital conversations...second post of the day

When you're sitting/laying in the hospital, things get a little boring, so I'm typing up a second post...lucky you guys!

I just had to tell you about a couple conversations. As you all know, Mark and I have some crazy conversations sometimes. Today, I was helping him in the shower. It was just him and I in there.

Tammy: You know, the nurse might wonder if we're having sex in here.
Mark: Your left foot has an infection?
Tammy: Yeah, that's exactly what I said.

They say the hearing's the first to go.......

As some may know, I've been in the process of writing a book of our journey. I was typing in the hospital.

Nurse: Are you in school or are you grading papers?
Tammy: No, I'm actually writing a book.
Nurse: Really? What's it about?
Tammy: Infertility.
Nurse: No kidding? You should talk to N. They've been trying for awhile with no luck. She's really down about it and I feel so bad for her. It's really tearing her apart and we all feel so bad for her. Maybe you can give her some tips.
Tammy: The poor thing. I can sympathize. How long has she been trying?
Nurse: 5 months....can you believe it?

I think the shocked look said it all.

I really had a hard time being too sympathetic knowing we've been trying for 5 years. I know that's a selfish thought, but I really didn't have too much sympathy for her. I did offer to help and talk to her but when I told the nurse we had been trying for 5 years, I think she felt bad about complaining so much about N.

Mark is doing much, much better tonight. He's been walking around, taking his pills and eating. I think we're going home tomorrow!

Thanks so much for the thoughts and prayers!

Saturday update on Markie-poo

Well, he's still in the hospital. :( He still can't keep anything down and can't take too many meds. He does try and last night he was able to keep the antirejection meds down. So, he'll be in the hospital at least another day. His goal was to make it home before Father's Day but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. :(

The good news is his creatinine (kidney blood work) is great! So, that's a relief. I just hope it continues to stay okay. They are going to decrease the fluids today as they don't want him going into heart failure with too much fluid. He doesn't have any swelling right now but they are keeping an eye on it.

Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers!!

Another update

Thanks so much to everyone for all your support! It means so much!!

Mark is still in the hospital. We thought he was feeling a little better this morning but then he started getting sick again. He still is having a really hard time keeping his pills down. He still tries though. Bless his heart. I can't imagine throwing up and knowing I had to take a bunch of pills. I admire him so much.

I convinced the doctor today that we needed to check his kidney function. Ah, no brainer to me, but apparently he hadn't thought about it. Ah, duh. He hasn't had his rejection meds since Tuesday night. We certainly don't want to lose his kidney. We haven't heard the results but no news is good news. :) Otherwise, we're just sitting here waiting for his stomach to settle down.

I've been staying with Mark every night. A lot of people wonder why when we live just up the hill but I can't leave him. I get more sleep at the hospital because I'd be a nervous wreck being at home. Since we've gotten married, I have never spent 1 night away from Mark, even with all his hospitalizations. Our hospital knows this now and they just automatically get me a bed by Mark's side and we put them as close as we can to each other.

I know I fall in love with Mark more every day and as I'm sitting here watching him sleep, I'm amazed at my love for him. I can't imagine not having him in my life. He does so much for me. When we came into the clinic and the doctor asked him if he thought he should be admitted, Mark said "I'd do it for Tammy" and I know that is the only reason he did. He HATES hospitals. And now, I'll catch him looking at me and he'll say "You're so beautiful" even when he's so sick. Also, I'll reach out and touch his hand and we say "I love you". These are moments I'll cherish forever. I don't know how I got so lucky to be married to someone so special who would go through so much for me. As crazy as it sounds, I'm grateful for the moments Mark gets so sick and in the hospital because it makes me realize how much he means to me and how lucky I am.

Please continue to keep him in your thoughts and prayers. We want his stomach to settle down so he can start taking his pills and he can be home for Father's Day. I want so much for him to enjoy it.

Update on my Markie-poo

Yay, that's my pet name for him. :)

Thanks SOOOO much you guys! The support is amazing. He's still vomiting and had a really rough night last night. I don't think he got any sleep. He was able to sleep a little this morning, but not much. They don't think it's his heart and it's just his diabetic nerve issues causing his stomach to get out of whack. He's really worried about the antirejection meds and not getting them down. He doesn't want to go through rejection. I hope he feels better soon...it's horrible seeing him like this and not being able to do anything. Thanks SOOO much for the thoughts and prayers! It means a lot! ((((HUGS))))

Mark's in hospital--second post of day

I have no time, but we need prayers. Mark was admitted into the hospital this afternoon for nausea and vomiting. He can't keep his antirejection pills down. Last night he was complaining that his heart was racing. We had a very stressful day with the lawyer, so there is some concern it is his heart.

The poor guy. :( I feel horrible for him. Please keep him in your prayers.

Well....

I got the verdict from the insurance company. I have to appeal 2 claims because they wouldn't cover them, but I think I'll be getting it covered. So far, we've gotten $471.36 and should be getting another $157.12 for a total of $628.48 out of $3678. The insurance company says that is the maximum allowable amount. When we talked to the attorney yesterday, he was going to call them, but from the way he sounded, that's all we're going to get. I guess the insurance company can put a maximum amount and when I questioned if $39 for every $200 was reasonable, he said it didn't have to be reasonable and that it wasn't illegal.

That sucks.

The thing that bothers me is that this was never brought to our attention. When we got the letter stating this service was covered, there was one sentence that said "See your Schedule of Benefits for limitations" out of the whole letter front and back. When I go to the book under Schedule of Benefits, there is a little paragraph out of 2 pages that talks about a maximum allowable amount. So, that basically means the insurance company is covered. I just don't understand why it couldn't have been brought to our attention if it was going to be such a big issue. I talked to 14 different people since January and this was never brought up. When I talked to the manager yesterday about this, all I got was "I'm sorry and I understand your frustration." Sure, whatever...you can say that to me when you're out almost $3700.

Am I upset? Of course.
Do I feel misled? Definitely.
Do I wonder why this had to happen? Yes.

But, in the big picture, I do realize everything happens for a reason and God is always there to help us through it. I had a nice talk with my mom last night and she really helped me to look at the positive side of this. Thanks Mom! I love you!

1. This money was supposed to pay for our trip to Hawaii. If we would have known that we wouldn't have gotten this money, I'm not sure we would have gone and the trip to Hawaii was the best thing for us.
2. This lawyer we went to was Mark's ex's lawyer in the divorce. We knew he was good because he took Mark to the cleaners. :) :( (mixed emotion there) I knew seeing this lawyer and talking about the things we did would make Mark extremely uncomfortable and I told him many times I would completely understand if he didn't want to go. He said he wanted to go for me and the peanut and be there for us. He was right there by my side. What an amazing love he has for me and our peanut. I don't know if I would've had the strength to do what he did.
3. I learned more about insurance companies and I know my family will be much more careful about coverage. And if I've helped another person just by sharing my story, it's worth it.
4. Mark asked me last night why we had to go through this, why us? I told him because we're the strong ones that can handle it and through it, we get closer. I think a lot of couples would grow farther apart, but we seem to get closer and rely more on each other because of the hardships we go through. We're lucky.

God will never leave us and He's always provided for us and I have no doubt He will continue to do so.

I have to tell you something that happened that was pretty cool. On Saturday, I was reading a book that said if you read a clock at 11:11, there is an angel in the room. I didn't think too much about it, but then on Monday, I was typing a report for work. The current time automatically comes up when you start typing and the time was...11:11. I felt it. I just felt like someone was there to help me. I have a collage of pictures of my Grandma in my office and I looked up and asked "Grandma, was that you?". I seemed to focus on my favorite picture of her smiling with the goofy birthday hat and I just knew she was "here". I needed that as I was feeling really down and it was a reminder to me that God is always here and you definitely have angels around you all the time. Thanks Grandma! I love you and miss you so much! :)

Thanks for all the support guys! I love you all! :)

Thanks guys!

Thanks so much for all your support! It means so much!

My aunt works at a lawyer's office so I talked to her on Friday. She's going to set up a free consult this week so I can talk to the lawyer and see. Right now the insurance is saying that there is a "maximum allowable amount". So, I checked out the book and sure enough, there is talk about that. So, why weren't we ever told about that? I've talked to 17 different people since January and nothing has been said.

And what I don't understand is how they can come up with an amount for the 'goods' we're seeking when I've heard from several people that this is a very unusual claim and the first they've heard of it. Plus, no one wants to send me information as to how they came up with that figure or information on why they won't pay for shipping.

I'm glad we're going to see a lawyer. We may be out of gas but at least I know. Maybe we'll get something for the amount of time they've had these claims, but I kind of doubt it.

I know this will affect the next month and that's what bothers me the most. I worked so hard to get where I'm at and it just seems like all the work is going down the drain. It just makes me so mad. I know this is affecting me because AF was due on Friday and she still hasn't come.

So, advice needed here guys. How do I let this not affect me? How can I just relax?

Oh, I gotta tell you guys this. Tyler was here Thursday night when I was so down and crying quite a bit.

Tyler: Tammy, why are you sad?
Tammy: I'm okay. Don't worry about me.
Tyler: Is it because no one will help you? (He must have overhead some of my phone conversations with my mom explaining it).
Tammy: Yeah, something like that.
Tyler: Well, don't worry. I can help you!

He's so sweet. :) Then, the next day we were walking out to get the mail.

Tyler: You know what I think you should do, Tammy?
Tammy: What's that, sweetie?
Tyler: I think you should adopt a kid. Then you wouldn't have to go through so much pain to get yours.

I gave Tyler a big hug through tears in my eyes and thanked him for the advice. He gave me a hug back and a big smile and said "I have good ideas, don't I?".

He keeps me going, that's for sure. :) He's such a sweetie!

I need a break

I'm not doing so well you guys. This insurance thing is really getting to me. I called and talked to the manager today. I had requested a call yesterday, didn't get it and then called twice today and she finally called at 4 p.m. and had the guts to get upset at ME for bothering her when she has other clients. It was quite the argument and I yelled at her, saying I've been patient enough and I needed the $3684 I was owed and she flat out said "I can tell you right now, you're not getting that amount."

Then, I had our rep from our financial group tell me I had to be more patient....WHAT? So waiting for 6 months for almost $3700 and then wanting that money now isn't "patient".

So, I've had it. Right now, I can't stop crying. I just hate conflict...I can't do it. And to have people tell me I need to be patient, yelling at me for bothering them and then getting hung up on....it's just ridiculous.

I'm really depressed and angry, mostly because I was in such a good place and had high hopes for this cycle and now I just feel like it can't work because I'm so stressed and upset. So, I feel like I'm out before it even began. And I worked so hard to get to where I am. It's not fair. I want to be a mom so bad that it physically hurts me.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it is. I can't eat, think, concentrate, work...anything. I'm so sick and tired of constantly being on the phone and fighting. I just want to crawl into bed and let the days pass.

So, I'll be back guys. I feel bad not going to the boards and blogs and supporting people. I just don't feel like talking to anyone or dealing with anything. I'm sorry.

I love you all. Please say a special prayer for me that this will get resolved and I can get back to the "good" place I was in and can be happy again.

A Mark and Tammy conversation

I realize I've been complaining a lot about insurance lately. So, I wanted to lighten the mood by telling you guys about a conversation Mark and I had last night. We had just bought a new mattress pad and was putting that on. We had stripped the bed.

Tammy: Do you still want 2 blankets on the bed or should we take 1 off?
Mark: It doesn't matter to me. We can leave it on. I get cold when I sleep in my p.j.s and hot when I don't sleep in anything.
Tammy: Mark, that doesn't make any sense.
Mark: Sure it does.
Tammy: No, it doesn't. Listen to when I say it: "Mark, I'm cold when I sleep in my p.j.'s and I'm hot when I don't sleep in anything."
Mark: Oh, yeah, you are definitely HOT!

We got another EOB...

Out of $3684, they have approved:

$117.84

Did everyone hear me scream not too long ago?

It's obviously not right and they will be hearing the wrath of Tammy Mae right when I get off work. Like my cousin, Michelle, said, you don't want to make a Gustafson (my maiden name) angry. I think my family and Mark are starting to feel a little sorry for the insurance company. Okay, not really, but they know how I can be. :)

Tune in later for the next episode of INSURANCE SUCKS!

Insurance....GRRRR!

Sorry I've been MIA. This is the short version of a very long story. Our insurance owes us about $3700 from services related to infertility from back in 2007. I've sent these claims FOUR times. We finally got an EOB (explanation of benefits) from them this weekend stating they weren't covering it. Whatever....so I call Monday and talked for an hour and a half. Thought we got it straightened out...but they needed my midwife to call and pre-auth 2 dates of service. After she finally got through after calling 4 times, they requested records. I did sign the release but called today wondering why they would need the records. The rep couldn't answer that so I wanted to talk to a manager. She stated there were none and I said I wanted to talk to someone who could answer my questions and again she stated there was no manager. I said there had to be someone in charge and then:

SHE. HUNG. UP. ON. ME.

Yeah, that's right. Needless to say, Tammy Mae was furious. I called and demanded to talk to a manager right away....they got me through one, of course. And I lost it. I was ticked. After another hour on the phone, I found out that the claims that were supposedly "fixed" yesterday were not...nothing had been done and they still couldn't tell me why they needed my records. They were going to look into it and call me right away in the morning.

I guess I'll be spending an hour of my time every day until this is resolved. It's RIDICULOUS! I feel like I'm baby-sitting them. This has caused so much emotional and financial strain. I just can't believe it...and to have a representative hang up on me? Sooooo unprofessional.

So, that's my ranting....and that's why I've been MIA. I'm hoping to get this fixed soon.