MIA and a TMI question

I know everyone is curious about the TMI question. :) That seems to draw people rather than scare them I think. :)

Anywho, I wanted to say that for about the next week I will be MIA. I probably won't be checking blogs and probably won't be posting much. So, in case you're wondering where I am, no need to worry!

This weekend we are having the mother of all garage sales. Every year we have a garage sale this time of year and last year people donated for our peanut fund. We were able to raise $1200!! If it's possible, this year we got a TON more stuff and this was just from word of mouth from people who wanted to help out! It's amazing to us. Not only that people are willing to donate so much but that they believe so much in us. We're so grateful.

I'll have to show pictures, but really pictures don't even do justice to show how much we have. And my family has been unbelievable. They've helped soooo much this past week getting things ready. And Peyton and Tyler are happy to help out their "cousins". I seriously have the best family ever.

I've been so very, very busy lately so I haven't been able to check many blogs and I'm so sorry. We've put in a new system at work and I've been working tons of overtime, some by choice, some not. Then, I've been coaching gymnastics and doing boot camp, all while trying to get ready for our mother of all garage sales. Plus, I injured my ankle and I've been into the doctor once a week. It looks like I might have a torn ligament in my ankle. :(

Then we're getting paperwork up the wazoo for our homestudy which is a whole nother post.

So, I've been very busy....so sorry I haven't been around but I'll check up! I am grateful for everything, though, and it feels so good to be busy with such wonderful things.

Okay dokey..here's what you've been waiting for! The TMI!
Since my FET, my periods have been more irregular and shorter. This month it was only 2 days and I'm usually 5-7 days. Usually I have 2 very heavy days and then it tapers down. The last few months and especially this last month, I've only had 1 fairly heavy day and then light.

What could it be? I don't remember this happening after our IVF but I never had a transfer then, either. I don't know if a transfer makes a difference. Is it the hormones? I'm only 34. I just don't know what's going on.

Any input is muchly appreciated. :)

I hope you all have a wonderful week!! I'll be back!!!

A special day with Draven

Reading a book together


Me and Draven


Playing in the sandbox



At the memory garden. She loves the rocks there :) I love this picture....it's like Draven's so close to our babies


Draven and Uncle Mark


Going for a walk


The thinker

Kids will be kids

A smile I can't get enough of.....

A song that touched me

This morning at 5:45 on my way to boot camp (yes, I'm crazy), I was listening to a Christian radio station. The DJ (not sure if that's what ya call her but you know what I mean :)), came on after a song and you could tell she had been crying. She had just gotten an e-mail from a listener. To summarize, the DJ had suffered from infertility, had been barren for 20 years, and now had 2 children. The listener had prayed for years for this DJ.

The DJ went onto talk about the desires of her heart and how God gave her the desire of her heart and how the struggles made her a stronger person.

Then she said she wanted to share a song that inspired her so much. I hadn't heard it before, but ironically today I heard it twice on the radio in the car. And I'm never in the car. It was like I was just meant to hear it.

Some of you have probably heard it but I wanted to share it in hopes that it can inspire or help someone like it touched me.

Before the Morning

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

Our Jamie Bean day

Last weekend, I stayed at Aunt Tammy and Uncle Mark's house for awhile so Mommy and Daddy could go shopping. It was the longest time Mommy had ever been away from me and I know Mommy missed me as she called a few times when she was gone. But I was so happy she did because I sure missed her.

Not too long after Mommy and Daddy had left in the morning, I had a big blowout. I think Aunt Tammy and Uncle Mark thought I had it planned. It's my little secret. It was kind of funny, though. Aunt Tammy was wiping my toshe while Uncle Mark was holding my legs straight up in the air. It was almost like I was doing a headstand. I can't blame them, though. It went all over me, all over my clothes and back. I gotta tell ya, though, it felt really good and I sure gave them smiles when I was cleaned up, so I hope that made up for it a little bit.

Next time, I'll try to have my blowout before Mommy leaves. It was kind of uncomfortable being on my head like that, but you'll learn and I know it was kind of gross anyway, so I forgive you!

Aunt Tammy sure held me a lot. I think the only time she put me down was when she had to go to the bathroom. Then she hurried up and came back out to hold me. I love it, though, as I love being held. I love looking at lights and love looking in the mirror. Aunt Tammy would show me the mirror a lot. I have to admit, I sure am a cutie. Aunt Tammy...not so much. She makes funny faces at me and she looks kind of goofy.

Of course Aunt Tammy took pictures. She always does. It's like there is a camera glued to her face. I think she takes too many but I don't have the heart to tell her that.

First she took a picture of me and her:

Not just one...


or two....


or three....


but four pictures. And by the time she took 4, you can tell I was getting a little tired.


Then she laid me on the couch and took more pictures. Here I'm giving her a little smile


The smile really didn't last too long because of the smell. You try smiling when you're laying by those stinky feet of hers. She's got some smelly ones.

Uncle Mark also played with me when Aunt Tammy would let him. Uncle Mark sure loves me so much and I try to give him as many smiles as I can. He's special to me.


We did go for a walk down the road. I love going on walks normally and being in my stroller. However, that day after we had gotten to the end of the road, I wasn't too happy:

So we turned around and went back to the house. I know Aunt Tammy and Uncle Mark felt so bad as they didn't know what to do to help me and we had quite the walk to go to get back to the house. It worked out just fine, though, once I got back to the cool air and got some food in me.

I had a lot of fun with Aunt Tammy and Uncle Mark. They sure love me. I have to admit, though, I was glad to see my Mommy and Daddy when they came. I gave Mommy huge smiles when she came into the house. And I know she sure missed me. I have the best Mommy ever. She loves me so much.

Thank you Aunt Tammy and Uncle Mark for watching me! I can't wait to do it again!

Videos

Have I mentioned that I love my nieces and nephews? I don't think I have before. :)

Yeah, dripping with sarcasm.

You know how when you go on a date night and all you seem to talk about is your child/children? All we seem to talk about is our nieces and nephews. :)

And I have to share this picture. I absolutely love it and think it's so precious!

Jamie Bean and Peyton. Peyton absolutely loves her baby brother.

My newest frustration

So I'm at a store and I have to go to the bathroom.

So I go to the bathroom.

(what a story so far, huh?)

I sit down on the toilet, after I take down my pants of course. The toilet is one of those automatic flushing type.

Anytime I moved my buttocks at all, that thing would flush.

It flushed four times before I was standing up and was completely done.

FOUR!

What's up with that??

A little family getaway

A few weeks ago, my parents and my sister and BIL and the kids all went to Rice Lake, Wisconsin. We had a toy show that weekend so while we were at the show, we decided to make it a little vacation. It was a blast and it felt so good to get away.

Here are some pictures!!


My parents with Tyler and Peyton eating breakfast. You can tell Peyton is so ready and excited for the day!


Me and Jamie Bean


WOWZERS! (gotta love those huge eyes!)


Jamie Bean


Tyler and Peyton and I out on the paddle boat. It was really hard to take a picture and paddle at the same time. :)


I tried to take a picture of Mark but he kept telling me to take a picture of my parents with the kids out on the paddle boats. What's up with that?


My mom and Peyton out on the paddle boat


My dad and Tyler out on the paddle boat


Here Peyton is freaking out because we dropped a life jacket in the lake


So I told her to turn around and smile


Our precious Jamie Bean


Mark and Tyler talking cars at the toy show


I took a million pictures to get a smile on camera from Jamie Bean and I FINALLY got one, although it's badly centered. But, I was so proud that I got a smile on camera!!


Mark and Tyler at the show. Tyler and Mark were buds at this show. Tyler was trying to convince Mark to take him to the ice cream stand and tell them he was having a diabetic reaction and needed sugar so they could get some free ice cream. Gotta give the kid an A for effort!

Thank you!!

I wanted to thank you all for your wonderful comments and support with my last post. I wasn't in the best place and just needed to vent. You guys knew just what to say and what I wanted to hear and I want to thank you for that. Even if it was just a simple hug or a simple "I love you", that's what I needed to hear at that time so thank you!

Thank you to those who reached out to me through e-mail. I needed that so much.

July is always so tough as it is always a reminder. Most of the time, I can pick myself up pretty quickly. I've been doing a lot of thinking and was thinking about what has happened in the past year. In July 2009, we had just been asked by Kami and Steve if we would like to adopt their embryos. We watched our babies' sisters be born. We got to travel to Michigan. We met 2 wonderful bloggers and dear friends and their babies. We received offers from numerous people for donated eggs. A couple selflessly offered their embryos to us. Another blogger reached out to an adoption agency for us. Another blogger offered to help out if we need it and everything works out for her.

And most of all, in the last year, I was pregnant and we have 3 precious babies who are dear angels right now and watching over us.

Wow. We sure have been blessed this past year. And I mean that with all my heart.

I've gotten several e-mails wondering how our adoption consult went last Thursday. Thanks so much for thinking of us! I'm sorry I didn't update sooner. I've been busy with my gymnastics job (which I love!!), working overtime (which I don't love but the money sure is nice :)), doing boot camp (which makes me t-i-r-e-d) and watching Jamie Bean (my nickname for him), i.e. James, all afternoon yesterday (which was sooooooo much fun and I'll be sharing lots of pictures of course :))

Anyway, the consult went okay. It was a alot of information and I was trying to write everything down only to have her tell us at the end that she would be mailing out the information we talked about (gee thanks for letting me know before). It was a lot of good information. However, quite a bit of time was spent talking about Mark's health and she seemed a little taken back by the fact that Mark had been hospitalized in the last year and he had his heart attack last spring. I tried to turns things around by talking about our Fridays with Peyton and how well he does with her so I hope that helped. It just made me a little nervous when she started talking about Mark's health right away when we thought it was just going to be an informational conversation. But, like my mom said, she probably knew that was a big concern of ours so she wanted to discuss that.

There was a funny part that Mark likes to tell everyone so I thought I would tell it here. Both Mark and I were listening and when we have both phones on, it's a little hard to hear. The agent said to us "Describe your dating life." I was like "Really?". She said "Yes". So, I start talking about how we like to go to movies, etc. Then she interrupted me and kind of laughed and said "Oh, no, your daily life." I thought man, she's really getting into it! Mark laughed pretty good about that.

Anyway, I was a little discouraged about the phone call but I'm probably reading too much into it.

What is ironic is that Mark had a rough night last night and so we decided to stay home from church and I watched a church service on the TV. The church service was on "Overcoming Discouragement". How ironic. :)

Thanks again to everyone for all your love and support! It means so much to me that I can be myself, can vent and know that you guys will understand and hopefully I can help someone else out going through the same thing so they don't feel so alone.

I am blessed.

Why July is always a little hard

This is a downer post and I'm afraid I may offend some people with it. But, these are my feelings and my blog and I'm pouring out my heart. I'm sorry to those this may offend or hurt.

I don't remember the exact date in July but I remember it was in July and I remember it like it was yesterday. We had to take Mark's youngest son to the doctor in a couple days. He had to see the doctor for a private issue. Mark had just gotten off the phone with his ex who called to let Mark know that Peter only wanted his dad in the doctor with him and wanted me to stay out in the waiting room.

I was sad. I was sad mostly because he didn't feel comfortable to have me in there. I was just "Tammy". "Dad" and "Mom" could be there with him, but I couldn't. I was "Tammy"...the one who took care of their dad and drove them around when they needed me. I felt like a nobody.

I started crying after Mark told me the reason for the call and he hugged me for a long time. Then he said something I'll never forget: "Let's try to have one of our own."

I was taken back. Mark had said when we got married that he thought he was too old and too sick to have kids and he didn't want to have any. So, I was shocked and I asked him what he was saying. He went on to say that he was feeling so much better health-wise since his transplant and he fell in love with Tyler so much that he had been thinking and really wanted to try to have one of our own.

We talked a little more and both decided we wanted to try. And I remember that night, Mark said 3 times "I'm so excited and anxious to start trying!"

That was 7 years ago. Tyler was 6 months old at that time. He's now 7-1/2 years old.

Seven years ago. Not seven months, a year or even a few years. Seven. stinking. years.

And every July I think about it and I think every July that next year we just have to have our baby. That next year at this time, things will be different. It just has to be.

I've thought that for 7 years now.

And it hurts so stinking bad.

I know I'm blessed and lucky. I've got a great family, great husband, wonderful nieces and nephews, a wonderful sister who shares her kids so much, a wonderful job I can do at home, wonderful friends, a wonderful church family, etc. I know I'm blessed. I definitely know that.

But, just because I know I'm blessed, doesn't mean that I'm not hurt that after 7 years, we are still waiting.

And, yes, I know there is a reason. And when I get down, I look back and realize that if we had our baby now, I wouldn't have experienced some of the wonderful experiences I've had and I wouldn't give that up for the world.

But, just because I know there is a reason, doesn't mean that I'm not hurt that after 7 years, we are still waiting.

Okay, here is the part that may offend or hurt others and I'm sorry if it does.

It frustrates me watching others going through their journey and get pregnant after 3 tries and say they are finally pregnant--like it took "forever" to get pregnant. Or others who have had a failed cycle or 2 and think they can't go on because it's just too hard. Or those who think they have waited so long and say how long of a wait it is when it's been only a year or sometimes less--try waiting 7+ years. Or those who called themselves "infertile" after just a few months of trying naturally and not becoming pregnant--I'll show you infertile.

I know, I know. There are lots of people who have waited longer than us. To those people, please know that I know that and that I hope I don't hurt you by venting out my frustration for waiting 7 years when you have been waiting longer. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers and I'm so sorry you have had such a long, painful journey. Thank you for giving me the strength and hope to continue on this journey.

I've heard many times from people that they just know I'm meant to be a mother and that they know I'll have my baby. Thank you for that. Most days, that encourages me. But, to be honest, today's not that day. I don't know if it'll ever happen....only God knows. And right now, I honestly just can't hear that people know I'll be a mother because I don't feel like it'll happen right now.

I know---we have doors opening, things are looking up, don't give up. Trust me, I think those thoughts for sure and I realize that and I'm blessed.

But, at the same time, when July comes every year, it's a big milestone and one we don't want to hit and it's sad when it does....just so sad.

Why do we keep having to wait?

It's been seven years.

Seven, long years.

I need a hug.

A bittersweet day

This is a bittersweet day for me.

July 6 would have been my due date if our IVF would have worked back in October 2008. I know that babies usually aren't born on their due date, but I also know we could have been celebrating our babies' first birthday this year.

July 6 is also the birthday of our new niece, Bemnet. She is 9 years old today. Happy birthday Bemnet! We can't wait to meet you! We love you so much!!

TMI ALERT! May be too much for some people, especially my mom and sister!!! You have been warned!!!

July 6 is also the day Mark and I first.....ahem. We waited until marriage and were married in May but Mark was so sick it took awhile. I feel like a high schooler remembering our "first time" but it was special.

I'm not sure why, but I felt led to share that. Maybe to show just how special and bittersweet July 6 is for us. We always thought it was pretty special that our due date was on such a special day for us.

END OF TMI!!

I admit, at first when I heard Bemnet's birthday was on the same day as our due date, I was a little angry at God. Why would He do that? July 6 would always be a day that our family would have a birthday party and it would be a constant reminder that the birthday party wasn't for our babies. It would always pull at my heart that day. Why would He allow that to happen? Why out of 365 days of the year would He choose that one for our due date? Why?

Then, I realized something. Our family would always be celebrating on July 6. We would always have a birthday to celebrate and although the focus would always be on Bemnet, as it definitely should be, in my heart, it would always mean so much to have my family be celebrating on a day that my babies could have been here. It's not a constant reminder of what I don't have but what I do have.

Not only that, I feel Bemnet and I will always have that special connection on July 6. One day, I may explain to her what her birthday means to us. I do know July 6 will always be a day of celebrating....in more ways than one. I'm very blessed our due date is on the day of our niece.

We love you our 4 precious IVF angels. We can't wait to meet you at the gates of heaven. Happy first birthday. Thank you for being our babies.

Latest update!!!

It's amazing to me how sometimes things happen that you never expect would.

Our doors are continuing to open and it's amazing to me.

A fellow blogger introduced me to Christian Adoption Consultants. The consultant I've been talking to is such an amazing sweetheart. She contacted a couple agencies in Wisconsin for us and then gave us her recommendation on which one she would go with.

So, I e-mailed the agency and asked for some information. They called me within half an hour that I sent the e-mail and we had an appointment to meet with her on July 10. It was about a 3-hour drive for us but only about 100 miles from her so we didn't have to pay so much for mileage.

I admit, it was really nerve racking that things were happening so fast....and yet there was a sense of calmness that things were happening and we weren't hardly doing anything. Just like it was meant to be.

Then, amazingly, the next day, the agency e-mailed me and said they could do this meeting over the phone and save us time and money. I couldn't believe it! It worked out so well for us and it's so amazing how things worked like that!! So, we'll be having a phone conference with the agency on July 8 at 1 in the afternoon.

As exciting as this sounds...and we are excited....I want to clarify this certainly is not a guarantee that this is an option for us. There is some concern about the health issues and some of the things they said did make me a little nervous as to whether we will pass.

BUT, there is a reason this door is open and continues to remain open for us. And like I've said, we'd rather have God close the doors than us close the doors.

Okay, here's where my honesty comes out too. I may sound greedy or ungrateful but I'm not. I'm just following my heart.

It is still so much in my heart to carry and be pregnant....so much so. I admit, more than adoption. That may sound harsh but I certainly don't mean it to be. I'm soooo grateful that God has opened this adoption door for us and we are embracing this with all our heart.

And yet at the same time, I long and yearn so much to carry our baby. So very much. And I know there is a reason for it. It wouldn't be on my heart if there wasn't a reason.

I keep thinking about Leah and how she's expecting 2 right now, 1 through adoption and 1 through pregnancy....and I bet she didn't expect that. :) I don't know if that's in God's plan for us or not, but I admit, I'm very anxious to try to have another child through a FET and donated embryos. If we have the opportunity to do a FET at the same time we're completing our home study, that would be a dream for me.

Like I said, it might sound greedy or selfish, like I want "all the babies" but it's still so much in my heart to carry our baby, to feel the kicks, to have Mark rub my tummy and to create that special bond. I know pregnancy's not all fun and games....I'm fully aware of that....but it's something that is very much on my heart.

And one thing I've learned so much through this journey is that God can change your heart, but you always follow your heart and you'll never go wrong. So, that's what we're doing right now, just following our hearts.

So, that's the latest!! Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers so much. I'll definitely update after our visit on July 8.

Those who have been in my shoes, I would love any help. :) What kind of questions should I ask? What can I expect in this "informational" consult? How long does the home study process take? What advice would you give us?

Thanks bunches and bunches!!