Our dream together

I recently received a message from someone who told me I should focus on Mark rather than focus on having a baby with him. This person has had to deal with I believe one of the hardest hardships someone can deal with, the loss of a spouse. While I can’t imagine what she’s going through, I know she doesn’t know what I’m going through as she doesn’t know me in real life. Taking that into mind, I did feel I needed to explain my life in case others felt the same.

First, I’d like to emphasize that having a baby is our dream, not just my dream. Granted, yes, Mark is older and has some health issues and if he were single, he would not be pursuing adoption. However, he wants to have a baby with me just as much as I want to have a baby with him. And he’s always wanted a daughter. When we got married, my brother sang “Butterfly Kisses” at our wedding and shortly after that, my dad gave me a “Butterfly Kisses” book. I’ll never forget when we were reading that together, Mark got tears in his eyes and said how much he wanted a daughter and butterfly kisses. It was then our dream was realized, that we wanted to have a daughter together. I have to say, though, that we would be honored to have a boy, too. Boys rock! :)

As far as focusing on Mark, he is by far my number 1 priority. My life resolves around him and his needs and I don’t mind at all. I’m with him all the time. I work from home and he’s disabled so he’s also at home. We eat all meals together. When he’s in the hospital, I’m right there. In our 10 years of marriage, I have never spent one night away from him, not one. I spend the night in the hospital in his room when he's there. I’ve cancelled outings with friends, stayed home from church, etc. when Mark has a bad day. On weekends when he wants to lay down, I lay down with him. I go to bed when he goes to bed, even if I'm not tired. I wake up early to work overtime when he’s sleeping and won’t work past 3:30 in the afternoon because he’s awake and I want to spend time with him. Spending time with him is the top priority for me.

Yeah, I coach gymnastics a couple times a week but it’s at the school just a few blocks away and I have the cell phone with me and he knows how to get a hold of me. I drive there even when I could walk just in case he needs me and I need to go home right away. I do feel guilty sometimes about coaching and being away from him but I also believe because I work from home and I’m with Mark all the time, it is healthy for me to get out once in awhile, doing something I love, and spending some time for “me”. And if Mark isn’t feeling well, I have no problem calling and telling the head coach I won’t be in and she’s so supportive about that. I used to coach at a gym 30 minutes away and I stopped doing that because I would get too nervous leaving Mark for that long and now I stick to just coaching at the school.

This next part isn’t easy for me to type out but I want to.

If Mark were to pass away today, I have absolutely no regrets. I don’t regret trying to have a baby with Mark. I don’t regret the time I have spent coaching gymnastics. I don’t regret cancelling on friends or staying home from church because Mark isn’t feeling well. I know God understands. I don’t regret laying down with Mark for a few hours in the afternoon even when I’m not tired. I don’t regret anything about my life if Mark were to pass away. I feel I’ve given 100% to him and focused on him.

And I know we’ve had all the “tough” talks. I’m not going to put them down here because I think some talks are meant to be between a husband and a wife, but I can say that we’ve said everything we’ve needed/wanted to say. I know without a doubt that I’ve said everything I’ve ever wanted to say to Mark if we were to be separated.

And the best part is, I know we have 10 children in heaven waiting for us, and a high likelihood that we have our daughter together! And I also know that our life in heaven is the life that “really matters”. Having a baby together here on Earth is just “icing on the cake”.

Trying to have a baby together admittedly has been a huge rollercoaster and we’ve been through so much together. However, I believe that drive and the dream has kept Mark STRONGER and gives him strength and hope to keep going. I have also heard that from other people. He loves kids so much. Not many people see the joy in Mark’s eyes when he’s around our nieces and nephews. Even when he was so sick last Thursday, he kept repeating “I don’t want to give up our Jamie day” as we usually have Jamie on Fridays. He absolutely loves playing with that boy. And he misses his Peyton days on Wednesdays so much. His eyes light up just listening to their voices on the phone and just talking about them, he smiles so much. Those kids make him feel and look 20 years younger.

Why take that away from him and “focus” on him?

And throughout our infertility journey, we have never gone through a door without God opening it first. We’ve never gone “our” way, always through doors God has opened. When God shuts the door, we turn away. We don’t regret 1 IUI, 1 FET or any adoption situation we’ve been given. Every opportunity is because of God and the doors He has opened and every IUI, IVF, FET, adoption situation has taught us something, given us something or brought us closer together, etc.

So while I know people mean well with their comments, it’s bothers me when people make comments who don’t know our whole story, don’t see us every day, day to day, don’t know our (not just my) hearts’ desires, don’t know our struggles and dreams. And it’s so hard on Mark when people assume that having a baby is my dream and not his. I know that really bothers Mark a lot.

This is our dream together, not mine, not his, together. And we dream big and dream together.

Thank you for being so supportive in this dream we have together.

Celebrating our 10-year anniversary

On May 5, Mark and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary. 10 years ago we went up to the North Shore, specifically Superior Shores Resort, for our honeymoon. We go up there every year. This year we stayed for 5 days and it was soooo nice to get away. It was really hard to come back home.

We really didn't do too much. We had a lakeside view of Lake Superior with a jacuzzi room. We mostly stayed in the room and relaxed and watched movies. It was really nice.

The first day, we stayed inside mostly the whole day, being the day looked like this:

Rainy, wet, and miserable.

So, we stayed until it cleared up in the afternoon. Then we went into town and went through a few stores.

We also met a couple animals:



We spent a couple days just hanging out on the shore:

"Where's Tammy?"


"Awww, there she is! Isn't she so beautiful?"

We did go see the Split Rock Lighthouse which is a huge attraction at the North Shore. The last time I had been there was about 20 years ago and Mark had never been there so we decided to go. It was interesting.

We had fun, too:





Here Mark is trying to crank up the light. He's believable, isn't he?


Mark in front of the lighthouse


Mark eating at Betty's Pies, our favorite place to eat at the North Shore. We love eating there. We ate there 3 times while we were up there.

We also saw Chad and Ajay and the kids while we were up there which was really nice. It was great to see them and the kids. We don't get to see them too often so it was wonderful.


Me with Bemnet and Adelaide


Mark and I with Sam, Adelaide and Bemnet

10 years ago...

10 years ago I married the strongest man I know. He’s been through so many health issues and he has been my rock through our 7-year infertility battle.

When we first got married, I honestly thought we would be so lucky if we made it 5 years. Mark was that sick. Now, I am in awe as I write this that 10 years later, Mark looks the best he’s looked in years.

I’ve heard many times that if it weren’t for me, Mark wouldn’t be here and that I’m his angel. I think Mark’s so strong and brave that he would still be here without me. However, without him, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. He’s taught me so much about myself, how to be a better wife, friend, daughter, aunt, stepmother and mother (yes, I AM a mother!).

He’s given me strength when I’ve been so weak. He’s given me hope when I’m hopeless. He’s held me when the tears won’t stop. He’s never left my side when I need him.

I’ve watched him suffer through what seemed like endless hospital stays. I’ve watched him scream in intense pain that no one else sees. I’ve seen the frustrating tears and pain in his eyes when he just wants to be normal.

I’ve also watched him grow as a father, husband, Christian, uncle, brother and friend. I’ve seen the tremendous softness and love in his eyes. I’ve seen the glorious smile and glow in his eyes when we saw that positive pregnancy test together. To see me smile is to see him smile.

To say I’m the luckiest woman in the world is an understatement. He’s my soul mate, best friend, uncle of the greatest nieces and nephews and father of our beautiful angel babies.

Happy 10 years Mark. I love you so very much!

9 years ago today....

9 years ago today, Mark received the gift of life from his brother, Scott.

Each year that goes by, we both are amazed at how much God has blessed us. There have been so many times Mark has been in the hospital, not able to keep his antirejection meds down for days because of his stomach issues and his kidney still continues to function well without showing any signs of diabetic recurrent kidney damage.

It has also been amazing to me to watch the close relationship between Mark and Scott grow. It warms my heart to see Mark's glow in his eyes when Scott calls and to hear him talk and joke with Scott and Rose. They are so amazing to us and we're so grateful to them.

Most of all, we are grateful to God and give Him all the glory that it has been 9 wonderful years. He has protected both Mark and Scott through these years and I have been given the wonderful opportunity to watch him with his sons growing up, be a wonderful uncle and hopefully some day soon a wonderful father to our children.

Happy 9 years Mark, Scott and Rose! We love you!

Every year, I share this and this year is no different. I know many of you have read this but I like to share it. It's been published in our local papers and our church newsletter. It still brings tears to my eyes.

LOVE SIGNS

Ever since we started dating, Mark and I have always had a special love and bond. We are always together and so much in love. Maybe it is his sickness that has brought us so close together.

Mark has been fighting diabetes for over 40 years. In 2000, he started showing signs of kidney failure due to his illness. Two months before we got married in May 2001, he was forced to start dialysis. Every other day was spent driving him up to the dialysis center. I was fortunate that I worked across the street from our house and was a couple blocks away from the dialysis center. I could always drive him there and pick him up. The hardest part about it was dropping him off and leaving him, knowing I wouldn't be talking to him for at least four hours. Having my uncle die in 1988 on the dialysis machine made it even harder to leave him.

Mark has always been a very quiet, shy guy. Although he's always been very romantic and has always treated me like a queen, he's never been one to show a lot of emotion in public or around other people. I, on the other hand, love to show emotion at all times. I've always been one to say "I love you" when I'm leaving Mark for even a minute. Even just going to the bathroom or to another room, I'm always giving Mark a big kiss and telling him how much I love him.

Well, you can imagine how much it bothered me leaving Mark at dialysis without being able to say "I love you" or showering him with kisses. It would have been too much for Mark. So, to make us both happy, we made up our own "I love you" hand signal. It was a hand signal that only the two of us knew and a way that both of us could be satisfied. I could leave knowing the last words I "said" to him were "I love you" and Mark didn't have to say it in public. It was a perfect set-up.

This went on for almost a year until his kidney transplant. I would drive him up to dialysis every other day and every time I left him, we would give each other the hand signal.

In March 2002, Mark had his kidney transplant. Because of his weak heart and other issues, it was a longer surgery than expected. And after the surgery, Mark was sent to ICU with a breathing tube down his throat. He wasn't able to talk at all. I could tell Mark was very frustrated with the whole situation. He would consistently try to move and get comfortable. I knew he was very upset about having the tube in and it broke my heart to see him go through it.

I thought he was mad at me. The nurses would talk to him and he would nod or shake his head. When I tried talking, I would hardly get any movement. I knew he hated having that tube in and was very frustrated about his whole situation. I was so depressed and sad because I didn't want him hurting like that. I spent the first couple hours after the surgery crying because of everything Mark had to go through. I prayed to God to show me some sign that he was okay and he understood what was going on.

I kept going in every ten minutes--as much as they would allow me to. Nothing was changing. I could still tell that he was so frustrated and uncomfortable. It was heart breaking.

Visiting hours were over at nine, so my mom and I went in to say good night to Mark. He was still having problems getting comfortable and was still incredibly frustrated. I held his hand and explained to him that I had to leave for the night, but would be asleep in the waiting room and would come back during the night to check on him. He slowly nodded and I began to cry as I softly kissed his hand.

I was still crying as I turned around to leave. My mom stopped me and turned me around to Mark. His hand was lifting off the bed and ever so slowly formed our "I love you" sign. I ran back to Mark's bed and grabbed his hand said "Oh, honey, I love you, too. Do you know that?" He squeezed my hand and nodded. It was then that I knew Mark was okay and everything was going to be fine. God had sent the sign I had asked for and needed to see so desperately.

2011 JDRF walk

Every year my mom and I do the "Walk to cure juvenile diabetes" walk at the Mall of America. We've been doing it since 2003. As you may know, my husband has juvenile diabetes and has had it since he was 4 so we walk for him every year. Sometimes the kids come with and sometimes they don't. This year all 3 kids came and it was Jamie's first year! It was fun and a lot of fun to walk around the mall. We actually get there early so we can walk around and avoid the crowd. The mall is packed when it starts at 8 and if you know the Mall of America, you know that's a lot of people which is a great thing that so many people come.

Here are some pictures of us!!


Jamie and his shirt. They only had youth medium but we still got one for him. :)


Me and the kids


My mom and the kids


Jamie hanging on for dear life. Can you blame him? My mom was pushing him


Me and Jamie. Jamie helped make the sign


Jamie hanging on again


"I'm walking for Mark! I love you Mark!"


Tyler. He didn't make a sign because it would be "too embarrassing"...sigh...he's growing up too fast


Peyton with her sign


My mom and I and the kids

A conversation between Mark and I

First I have to say thank you to all of you for your support and ideas on the Vegas vacation! You guys are the best!

I have to share a conversation Mark and I had last night. We were talking about vascectomies. I know, odd for an infertile couple to be talking about that but 2 couples we know recently had that done and it was a topic of conversation last night.

I was telling Mark how it takes some time to become "sterile".

Mark: Really? I thought once they did the 'snip, snip', that was it.

Tammy: No, it can take awhile. They have to keep doing semen analyses until the count comes up zero.

Mark: They determine that by a blood test, right?

Tammy: No, honey. You have to.......

Mark: Really? They can't just check by a blood test?

Tammy: Nope.

Mark: Well, I can tell you, I'm never getting one of those done.

Tammy: You know, Mark, with our situation right now, I can honestly say I don't think you ever have to worry about having that done.

And Mark breathes a huge sigh of relief.

I guess that's the positive part of infertility for him.

Father's Day from the eyes of an infertile

First I have to say Happy Father's Day to my sweet Mark who is such a wonderful father to his 2 boys. I love you!

It's so bittersweet for me to say those words because I know Mark isn't a father because of me, but he is a father in spite of me.

One of the hardest things for me to accept during this journey has been the fact that Mark's ex-wife has been able to provide him with a child and I haven't. A woman with whom I have watched hurt Mark in many ways. She has been able to give him a child and I haven't. And I am a woman who loves Mark with all my heart and has done so much to protect him.

Just doesn't seem fair and seems a little backwards if you ask me.

To say "Happy Father's Day" to Mark is a little hard for me. I know we have babies in heaven, but in all honesty, it's not the same as having a child here. I know he doesn't blame me and loves me no matter what, but I would love to be able to say "Happy Father's Day" to him while he's holding our precious baby in his arms that we brought into this world together.

I know everything happens for a reason, but like Mother's Day, Father's Day is a day I love to see "come and go".

Kind of a downer post, I know, but these are my feelings of this particular day.

On the other hand, my dad definitely deserves to be recognized on this day as he is a fabulous dad and I'm so lucky and blessed to have him as my dad. But, I will be posting another post for him on a day when I'm feeling better as he deserves a post for himself. Love you Dad! Happy Father's Day!

I hope all the fathers and fathers-to-be have a fabulous day!

Prayer request for my Markie

I know I'm so behind on blogs. I promise to get caught up soon. I think and pray for you guys all the time!!

Today I brought Mark in for his low blood sugar reactions. He's had 9 in the last week.

We also talked about his creatinine (kidney number) and how it's been creeping up. Mark's doctor agreed to check it to help ease my mind. He knows I worry a lot. :)

We got the blood work and we were sent home. We had been home for about half an hour when the doctor called Mark and told him that his potassium was way too high at 6.8 (normal is below 5) and his creatinine had gone up to 2.1 from 2.0. He said we should go into the ER.

Mark said he was going to eat first and then go down. It was rather frustrating to me as I just wanted to go down...forget about eating. I even had Peyton try to convince Mark to go down right away. She talked to him on the phone and Mark just told her he would go down after he ate. I could tell Peyton was getting frustrated when she said "Do you know who you're talking to?". Mark always does what Peyton tells him to. :)

Anyway, we do get down to the ER and they recheck things. His potassium was now down to 5.5 and his creatinine was up to 2.2. They decided to send him home and have him recheck next Friday.

The fact that the creatinine keeps going up isn't good and now that the potassium is a little high, there's concern that something is going on with his kidney.

I'm really nervous. I feel like if he loses the kidney, this could be the "beginning of the end". Dialysis was so very rough on him and that was when his heart was functioning much better. Now he has the heart issues and dialysis is so tough on the heart. In fact most dialysis patients who die while on dialysis die of heart issues rather than kidney issues.

Please pray for his kidney and that everything will be okay. Our biggest fear has been losing the kidney.

On a positive note, because Mark came home tonight, Peyton gets to spend the night. She sure can bring Mark smiles.

We appreciate the thoughts and prayers so very much.

Mark's appointment

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers today. We appreciate them so much!

We found out that his ultrasound on Monday was stable which is good news! In fact, his ejection fraction (heart pumping) has increased from 30 to 35-40%, so there is a little increase. "Normal" people are at about 75% we've been told so it's about half of a "normal-functioning" heart still.

They also did an EKG which was stable from the last EKG done in January so that was encouraging, too.

They are concerned about the chest pain obviously. The problem with Mark is that he is very sensitive to the blood pressure medications. He gets very dizzy and lightheaded if he is on too much, so he's basically on the lowest dose of 2 blood pressure medications.

He was given the option of an angiogram. If you don't know what that is, they take a camera up through the leg to the heart where they check out the arteries for blockages. Last time he had one done was about 5 years ago. At that time, we were told the blockages were so bad that he would need a heart transplant and there was nothing else they could do to fix the blockages. So, we really don't see the point in having another one and having Mark go through that when chances are very likely there won't be anything they can do at this time anyway.

They offered to increase his medication, but knowing it would probably make Mark more dizzy, he didn't really want to do that.

So, he will just keep using his nitros if he has pain. If the episodes get worse or get more frequent, they will revisit it. He will be going back to see his cardiologist in a month.

We did find out that his creatinine (kidney number) has been steadily increasing for the last few months. Not too big of a deal at this point, but there is some worry, so we're hoping when he gets it checked in another month, it'll be down.

Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers! It means so much!

A little update on my Markie-poo

For the most part, Mark has been feeling pretty good. The heat and humidity have gotten to him and that gets hard on him, but for the most part, he's been doing pretty well. I know I shouldn't complain about the heat and humidity when there are people from Texas reading this. :)

But, this Wednesday, he had an episode that was a big wake-up call for us.

We made a short trip to the post office. We live in town so it was just right down the hill. Mark decided he would ride with while I went in. I was in the post office for about 5 minutes and when I came back out to the car, I opened the door to see Mark clutching his chest and said he had pain in his left jaw...definitely a sign of a heart issue.

Mark always carries his nitros with him, but being we were just going to the post office, he didn't carry them with him. And I always carry old nitros in my purse but being we were just going down to the post office, I had just carried my wallet and not my purse.

So I sped home, the whole time Mark's pain was not getting any better but he did keep telling me I didn't have to speed because he didn't want to die like that. At that moment, I didn't care about speeding.

When we got home, he took a nitro and the pain immediately got better. He just felt dizzy from the after effects of the nitro. He was extremely tired so after an hour of just laying down, he felt pretty good.

It was a big wake-up call for us. No matter what, we will be bringing nitros with us.

We think Mark may have just overdone it that day. He had exercised a little more than usual that day and we think he might have just overdone it. Who knows. He has had a little more chest pain since then but nothing like Wednesday.

He will be getting an ultrasound of his heart and seeing his cardiologist soon.

I don't want anyone thinking poorly of me for not bringing him into the hospital. At this point in his life, Mark makes that decision when to go in. He's been through enough with hospitals and we've decided that no matter what happens, we'll be okay with the decision Mark has made regarding whether or not to go in or to have a surgery, etc., because it's what Mark wants.

There was a rather peaceful part of this whole thing, though. Later that night when we were in bed and just talking, Mark did say that no matter what the next step is that God has for his life, he's ready. He loves the Lord and knows where he's going.

I admit, it's not easy to hear that. I cried and it really made me think about losing him and I didn't sleep good that night. But at the same time, it's very comforting to hear those words. It's one of those "bittersweet" things to hear. It's always nice to know you'll be seeing someone again.

I do know I'm so blessed to be married to Mark...so very blessed. And my life is so complete with him in it.

Our little getaway

Mark and I celebrated our anniversary by getting away for a couple days. We went to the same place that we stayed at for our honeymoon. It was absolutely wonderful! We had such a wonderful time. It was so nice to get away for a couple days. It was so quiet and we could just be "Mark and Tammy". It was great. It was hard to leave, though. I even cried on the way home. I wish it could've been longer.

We hiked quite a bit which was really good as Mark usually isn't able to do that so that was nice. We laid in the hotel room and relaxed, watched movies and sat in our jacuzzi. It was so nice and relaxing.

My mom was so wonderful. She packed up a couple boxes of food for us so we had a couple meals that we didn't have to go out to eat for. It was wonderful. My mom is the best! Thanks Mom! I love you!!

Here are a few pictures from our trip!


Mark on the shore of Lake Super.ior. We collected rocks from the shore in honor of our babies.


Me on the shore of Lake Super.ior


Mark and I on the shore


Mark and I have a favorite restaurant at the North Sho.re called Bett.y's Pi.es. The food there is to die for, especially the pies. Here Mark is being a total dork and showing off the cup at the restaurant


Here I told him I was going to take another picture and he didn't want another one so thought he would hide....he didn't get away, though. :)


Mark before we took a walk out to the lighthouse. You think he's a little cold?


The walk out to the lighthouse


We were able to get really close to a deer. It was so cute!


Mark and I


Mark wanted a picture of me but he was a little slow in working the camera


The falls at Goose.berry Falls


Me by the falls


Mark and I at Goose.berry Falls


Us kissing....ewww!!!


Mark thinking he was so strong that he leaned against the tree and it started falling over...whatever


We were shocked that there was still snow on the ground in May. However, as some may know, it was just a week later that this area actually got a few inches of snow! If we would've known that, the sight of snow probably wouldn't have been as shocking to us. :)

9 years ago today....

9 years ago today I married the man of my dreams. I can't believe it's been 9 years. We've been through so much including a heart surgery, kidney transplant, 2 heart attacks, hip surgery, many hospitalizations and years of infertility.

But, you know, this has been the best years of my life.

One of Mark's and my favorite songs is "The Dance" and we think it speaks so much of us.

I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.

We love that song and it speaks to us.

I'm so blessed to have married Mark.

I love our story and I would like to share it. I know I've shared it before, but if you're interested in reading this really l-o-n-g story once again, here it is. :) I love sharing it!

Here it is:

Mark and I met in June 1996. We were both working at a gas station, Mark as a second job and me as I was going to college. I’ll never forget the first night we worked together. Neither one of us were talking to each other. Finally, Mark looked at me and said “You’re even quieter than I am”. I looked back at him and asked “Well, what do you want to talk about?”. I think I caught him off guard as he just shrugged and we were both quiet again. Later that night someone drove off without paying for their gas. I was working in the back room when all of a sudden, I heard Mark yelling, “They drove off without paying!” and was very upset. I remember thinking it was pretty cool that he was so worried about the drive-off, but thought he was kind of a dork, too, because he made such a big deal out of it. We still talk about that drive-off and our first time we ever met.

It took a long time before Mark and I became friends. He was just another co-worker for a long time. I’m not sure when we really became friends but we started talking more and doing more together. Mark was 17 years older than me, but he didn’t look like it and didn’t act like it. We got along great. At first I never even considered that one day we would be dating much less getting married. I mean, he was “old”, you know?

We started hanging out a lot—almost every night. A couple other co-workers and I would go over to his house and play video games. That was our thing. Mark became my best friend and I knew we would be friends for life. I remember telling him that I wanted him there at my wedding and I wanted him at the hospital to hold my first baby. How ironic is that? There were so many times I thought about dating him but I knew if we broke up we wouldn’t be as good of friends and I didn’t want to lose our friendship.

During the time we were friends, I knew about Mark’s health issues with his diabetes, but it never bothered me. There was a lot of diabetes in my family, so I grew up with it and didn’t really know any different. I think in some ways, I was more drawn to Mark because of it.

Our first date wasn’t really even planned. My whole family had gone away to visit my brother. I had to stay home because I had to work. I was so down about it. Mark was determined to make me feel better and took me out to a fancy restaurant to eat and then we went back to his house to watch “Erin Brockovich”. That was the night our friendship went a step further and changed our lives forever (don't worry, no sex was involved!). That was in September 2000.

Mark and I got engaged the Friday after Thanksgiving 2000. At that time, Mark was feeling pretty good. We knew that his kidneys were failing and that he would need a transplant, but he was still working and still feeling pretty good. I had always wanted a Christmas wedding (because I'm such a Christmas freak :)), so not long after we got engaged, we set a date for December 1, 2001.

In February 2001, Mark started getting sick really fast. He could hardly get out of bed. He stopped working and went on disability. They didn't want to start dialysis and wait for the transplant because they thought it would be easier on his body. Well, in March, it started getting so bad that we made the decision to start dialysis. During this time, it was very stressful for me and hard. I was an emotional wreck.

At the end of March, I had gone out to eat with my parents just for fun and to get out of the house. Mark wasn't feeling good, so he stayed home. At the end of the meal, we had the usual fighting over the bill. For some reason, it really struck a nerve and I just started bawling...right there in the middle of the restaurant. My parents asked what was wrong and I honestly didn't know. At that point, my mom started crying and both my mom and dad started telling me about how worried they were about me and how I was going through so much. I was 24 at the time. At that point, I realized I was scared that Mark wasn't going to be healthy enough to get married in December, that he might not make it and that we didn't know when the transplant would be. Plus, financially I knew it was a problem for Mark because he only had his insurance.

My parents then asked why we were waiting until December. I didn't know....guess we were just waiting. My parents then suggested getting married as soon as possible when we knew Mark was "okay" and then financially, things would be less stressful during the year because Mark would have his insurance coverage and my coverage also. We thought it was a great idea and set a date for May 5, 2001. Both families were 100% behind us and thought it was great. I mentioned to our families that I was a little disappointed as I've always wanted a Christmas wedding, but as long as I was marrying Mark, any time would be okay. They immediately said they were going to give me a Christmas wedding....who cared if it was in May? Our families worked soooo hard for us and I still get tears in my eyes thinking how much they did for us to put a Christmas wedding together in 6 weeks.

We had our Christmas wedding on May 5, 2001....but we still celebrate December 1 every year. So, we have "2" anniversaries. :) It's still warms my heart so much how much work everyone did. It was the perfect Christmas wedding. The pastor even dug out the Christmas decorations and decorated the church for Christmas.....right before he went out and mowed the lawn. :) There were candles in the windows and even though it was 4 in the afternoon in the middle of May, we still had a "candlelight" ceremony. It was beautiful.

Eight years ago today....

8 years ago today, Mark had his kidney transplant. It's amazing to me that it has been that long and Mark has done so well. He has never had a rejection episode which is a miracle in itself. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful that we didn't end up in the ER that day from fluid overload, that I don't have to drive him for a 3-hour dialysis run every other day, that he can sleep in his own bed and not have to sleep in a recliner because of fluid overload.

Every year on this day I'm reminded about the miracle Mark went through, but every day I think about it and am reminded that God has been so good to us. It truly is a miracle.

In honor of this day, I'm going to post something I wrote shortly after Mark's transplant. It's been published in a few of our local papers and also our church newsletter. I've touched a lot of people with this. I know I've posted it before but I'd like to share it again. Here it is:

LOVE SIGNS

Ever since we started dating, Mark and I have always had a special love and bond. We are always together and so much in love. Maybe it is his sickness that has brought us so close together.

Mark has been fighting diabetes for over 40 years. In 2000, he started showing signs of kidney failure due to his illness. Two months before we got married in May 2001, he was forced to start dialysis. Every other day was spent driving him up to the dialysis center. I was fortunate that I worked across the street from our house and was a couple blocks away from the dialysis center. I could always drive him there and pick him up. The hardest part about it was dropping him off and leaving him, knowing I wouldn't be talking to him for at least four hours. Having my uncle die in 1988 on the dialysis machine made it even harder to leave him.

Mark has always been a very quiet, shy guy. Although he's always been very romantic and has always treated me like a queen, he's never been one to show a lot of emotion in public or around other people. I, on the other hand, love to show emotion at all times. I've always been one to say "I love you" when I'm leaving Mark for even a minute. Even just going to the bathroom or to another room, I'm always giving Mark a big kiss and telling him how much I love him.

Well, you can imagine how much it bothered me leaving Mark at dialysis without being able to say "I love you" or showering him with kisses. It would have been too much for Mark. So, to make us both happy, we made up our own "I love you" hand signal. It was a hand signal that only the two of us knew and a way that both of us could be satisfied. I could leave knowing the last words I "said" to him were "I love you" and Mark didn't have to say it in public. It was a perfect set-up.

This went on for almost a year until his kidney transplant. I would drive him up to dialysis every other day and every time I left him, we would give each other the hand signal.

In March 2002, Mark had his kidney transplant. Because of his weak heart and other issues, it was a longer surgery than expected. And after the surgery, Mark was sent to ICU with a breathing tube down his throat. He wasn't able to talk at all. I could tell Mark was very frustrated with the whole situation. He would consistently try to move and get comfortable. I knew he was very upset about having the tube in and it broke my heart to see him go through it.

I thought he was mad at me. The nurses would talk to him and he would nod or shake his head. When I tried talking, I would hardly get any movement. I knew he hated having that tube in and was very frustrated about his whole situation. I was so depressed and sad because I didn't want him hurting like that. I spent the first couple hours after the surgery crying because of everything Mark had to go through. I prayed to God to show me some sign that he was okay and he understood what was going on.

I kept going in every ten minutes--as much as they would allow me to. Nothing was changing. I could still tell that he was so frustrated and uncomfortable. It was heart breaking.

Visiting hours were over at nine, so my mom and I went in to say good night to Mark. He was still having problems getting comfortable and was still incredibly frustrated. I held his hand and explained to him that I had to leave for the night, but would be asleep in the waiting room and would come back during the night to check on him. He slowly nodded and I began to cry as I softly kissed his hand.

I was still crying as I turned around to leave. My mom stopped me and turned me around to Mark. His hand was lifting off the bed and ever so slowly formed our "I love you" sign. I ran back to Mark's bed and grabbed his hand said "Oh, honey, I love you, too. Do you know that?" He squeezed my hand and nodded. It was then that I knew Mark was okay and everything was going to be fine. God had sent the sign I had asked for and needed to see so desperately.


Mark sees Scott (his donor) for the first time after the surgery

It's Mark's birthday!!!

I will be updating later today on our FET, but right now I want to share that it is Mark's birthday!! Happy birthday sweetheart! I love you so!

I think last year's post said it best so I'm going to repost it today:

Everyone has those moments in life they will never forget. Moments like September 11, the Challenger explosion and, if you're old like my husband, the day Kennedy was shot.

I have quite a few moments with my husband that I will never forget. Like the day he proposed to me and said "I'm going out on a limb here and I have a feeling the limb is going to break". When he had his heart attack and was clutching his chest and holding my hand, looking at me and saying "I love you so much, Tammy", as if he wasn't sure he was going to make it. After his kidney transplant when he couldn't say anything because he had a tube down his throat and he gave me our "I love you" sign. When he was in the hospital and his heart numbers suddenly went high and he clutched his chest saying "I'm having the big one. Just kidding!" (I think both my mom and I were ready to smack him with that one. :)). After our wedding when my dad gave me a Butterfly Kisses book (that song was sung at our wedding), Mark had tears in his eyes and said "I want a daughter. I want butterfly kisses.".

There are so many moments. Moments I will never, ever forget. Just the other night, Mark apologized to me for putting me through so much. He told me "Just think. If you hadn't married me, you wouldn't have had all this pain." I looked at him and said "Yeah, you're right. I wouldn't have had all the pain, but you know what?". After quite a pause, Mark said "You would've missed the dance?". I nodded. He knows I wouldn't give up the "dance" for anything in this world.

When Mark and I became friends, I always knew he would be in my life forever. I knew he would be my best friend. I wanted him to be at my wedding. I wanted him to be at the hospital holding my first baby. I never wanted him out of my life. I was always afraid of becoming more than friends because I knew if we ever broke up, he wouldn't be in my life anymore and I couldn't imagine my life without him.

Mark hasn't had a real easy life. He was diagnosed with diabetes at 4 years old when his brother found him in a coma. He spent a lot of his childhood in the hospital and even had to repeat first grade because of all his hospitalizations. His parents were told Mark would be lucky to make it past his teenage years.

Diabetes has controlled a lot of his life and its complications have caused many surgeries and life-threatening conditions. He's a fighter and a hero to so many people.

But that isn't what Mark's life is about. When you ask Mark about his diabetes, he says he doesn't know life any other way. It's just his life. Mark's life is focused on who he is as a person: a husband, a dad, a brother, a son, an uncle, a car collector, an artist, a toy builder, a carpenter and a friend.

Mark has taught his family so much in his years. He has brought us all so much joy and laughter. He has taught us the good in life and to cherish each other and every moment we have.

Mark, I love you so much. Thank you for teaching us all what is so important in life. You are so special to so many people. We've been through a lot together but there isn't anyone I'd rather go through it with than you. Happy birthday sweetheart.

Thank you for the dance.