What I did today

Just as a warning, this may be TMI for some people and may be considered "gross". I thought about not sharing but I want to. This is our journey and a very important part of it.

Today I would have hit the "double digits". I would've been 10 weeks today.

But instead of celebrating the double digits we buried our babies instead.

Now here's the gross part. When I started bleeding after our negative beta, I kept every tampon, every pad, every speck of blood. I know, gross, but I honestly couldn't fathom flushing our babies down the toilet. I just couldn't do it. I wanted to give our babies a proper burial. They are, of course, our babies.

So, we got a basket that we used as a casket:


We put our babies inside the basket and buried them out at our memory garden at the point of the heart in the memory garden:


It was tough but it felt better to bury them and not just flush them down the toilet, although in all honesty, it still angers me that I can't be celebrating the double digits today.

It just isn't fair.

Where do I belong? (second post of the day)

Where do I belong?

This is something I’ve struggled with a lot lately.

I’m struggling to figure out where I belong, where I “fit in”. I’m not TTC right now, not doing IVF or FETs, not full fledged into the adoption process, just sitting here encouraging and supporting as much as I can and grieving what I’ve lost.

And I’ve never felt so lonely in my whole life.

I try to go to the NW board but I honestly just don’t feel like I have a place there anymore. I want to be supportive and encouraging but I feel I can’t give any advice about timing or anything and going on the Beyond TTC side and seeing the bellies and seeing how far people are is just a little too hard.

I should be there.

The other day I read about Dopplers and it hit me that I will never be able to hear my baby’s heartbeat and it hit me hard, so hard that I haven’t been back to the board since.

Logging onto FB has been just a little too much at times as it seems every time I log on there is another new pregnancy announcement or picture and it hurts. I feel really bad now that I maybe hurt someone by my posts and that’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. So if you’re reading this and you’ve been hurt, I’m deeply sorry.

I feel like I’m in that club that every infertile fears, where you’ve tried and tried and gone through so much heartache, only to stop treatments and know it is over. I’m no longer a source of hope, only a source of discouragement it seems. I’m in the spot that no infertile wants to be, the spot where every infertile thinks won’t happen to them and is afraid to think that it is possible.

I feel I have nothing to write about anymore. All I have to write about is discouraging it seems and the last thing I want to do is discourage people. I want to be a source of hope and encouragement and I just don’t feel I am anymore.

I have a wonderful, huge support system, many family and friends who are there for me 100%. I couldn’t ask for a better support group. If it weren’t for the people in my life, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I love talking about my friends and family and showing off my beautiful nieces and nephews and talking about my wonderful marriage and life and how much God has blessed me. I truly know and believe I am so blessed.

And yet, I’m so unbearably sad and lonely at the same time.

I don’t know where I belong.

Peyton's gymnastics show

Peyton had her first gymnastics show on Sunday. I was so proud of her! She did really well. :)


Here is Peyton on the bar with me spotting her.


Peyton waiting in line. The kids look like they are having a b-l-a-s-t!!!


Peyton's class. This is one of 5 classes I coach and love. :)


Peyton with her favorite coach...of course :)


Peyton and I on the beam. She's going to take after her auntie and LOVE the beam. :)


Peyton on the beam

What I came home to yesterday.....

I was at a gymnastics show and came home to find this after a day of some wild weather and tornado warnings in our area:






We were so lucky, though, as Mark was home but not in the garage, where he sometimes is when I'm gone, which is where the tree hit. And if it would've gone down a little bit more to the right, it could've gone through the roof and hit our truck.

We're just thankful we're all okay and our thoughts and prayers are with the ones in Missouri who are not and were hit much worse.

Blessings

Shortly after we lost our babies, I heard this song and I've heard it a lot ever since with tears coming every time. This song gives me strength and I wanted to share it.

LAURA STORY – “BLESSINGS” LYRICS


We pray for blessings, 
We pray for peace,
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep,
We pray for healing, for prosperity,
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering.
All the while, You hear each spoken need,
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, 
Your voice to hear,
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near,
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love,
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
.
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
,
But long that we’d have the faith to believe.

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us,
When darkness seems to win,
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home.

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.
And what if trials of this life
,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are your mercies in disguise.

Happy birthday Jamie!

Dear Jamie Bean,

It’s hard for me to put into words how much you’ve brought to my life in the past year.

A year ago, I was holding you in the hospital. It had only been a month since I lost my babies. I was so happy and proud of you and yet at the same time, I missed my babies, your cousins. At that time, our whole family was so happy you were born and came into our lives and at the same time they felt the pain I was feeling and they were there for me, too. I’ve always known I have a special family but that day, you helped me realize how much they loved me.

Thank you so much for that sweetie.

And I bet you didn’t know that you were the one who first opened my heart to adoption. I remember holding you shortly after you were born, thinking about all the babies out there like you who were “surprises” and I knew as much as I loved you, I could love any baby as their mother. You made that so much clearer and made it much easier for me.

Thank you so much for that sweetie.

You’ve helped fill a void in my heart that no one else has been able to fill. You’re able to give me the special love that only a baby can give.

Thank you so much for that sweetie.

I love the smiles you give. I love the laugh that comes out of your mouth when I tickle you. I love the need in your eyes when you’re tired and you want to be rocked. I love the way you grab my lips as I’m singing to you…is that a way to keep me quiet? And because I’m a terrible aunt who wants you to suffer (not really), I love hearing you cry when I walk away from you, knowing that if I came back to you, the tears would stop. I even love the way the house looks like a tornado hit it after you’ve been here.

I love bringing you places and showing you off. I love it when people tell me how cute you are. I love being able to tell others so proudly that I’m your aunt.

If more surprises came in the form of you, I’d take a million of them.

Happy first birthday Jamie Bean. Thanks for loving me so much and making me such a proud aunt.

I love you Jamie!

Love,

Auntie Tammy

Adopting embryos versus adoption

I want to thank everyone for your comments and honesty yesterday. Your support and encouragement means so much to me!

A couple comments talked about adopting embryos and what is the difference? While I know they were trying to help, if I’m being honest, they kind of bothered me and I’d like to explain why.

With the first set of embryos, we were chosen by Kami and Steve. Kami reached out to me. I knew going into it that we only had about a 30% of it working. And I knew that if I had a baby to full-term, that baby would always know their genetic parents and sisters, their mother being a wonderful friend. Even though it didn’t work, I know there was a reason, reasons I don’t want to necessarily go into, but ultimately I got to meet Kami and Megan, friends I will have for life, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

With the second set of embryos, we got on the list being told it would be 2 years. God chose differently. On this list, anyone could get on the list. Nobody had to go through a home study. Call me conceited, but I know our home is a good home and maybe better than another home and it bothered me that literally anyone could get on the list without being “approved”. I knew that if there was a special baby out there for us who needed us, God would deliver, and He sure did.

You may remember we also had another friend who asked us to adopt their embryos. Again, we were chosen by them and the baby would know their genetic parents and siblings, unlike if they were “anonymously” donated with again, the mother being a wonderful friend. The problem with this situation was that my clinic wouldn’t approve the adoption for 2 years when their baby was older. It seems God closed the door on that one at least for now.

Adopting embryos was my chance to carry. That was my ultimate goal. While, yes, adopted embryos are not genetically related, by me carrying the baby, my body would choose the characteristics, making me the biological mother. I wrote a post a couple years ago about an article I found talking about that.

Now with adoption, we’re going through a Christian agency. Obviously, you’re screened pretty well. The home study is very precise and detailed. We’ve passed the home study and so has everyone else who has gone through that agency.

That’s where my thoughts come in. To me, although similar, it is different. You’re screened. You have to pass a home study. Not just anyone gets to get on a “list”. I’m not as confident anymore that ours is a “better” home than others.

This is a Christian agency with Christian couples, very important to me. This baby won’t have the luxury of knowing their genetic parents and siblings unless it is an open adoption. I know, with adoption, you’re chosen….I know that. I also know there are a lot of well-deserving, loving, Christian couples who are waiting for a baby and I wonder if we’re the best choice for a wonderful baby.

I know there are so many similarities and trust me, when we adopted the embryos, these same thoughts entered my mind. But, I also was able to focus on the “positive” as mentioned above and the positive outweighed my negative thoughts. Now the positive thoughts aren’t as evident as the negative.

But, ultimately, yes, God put this desire in my heart and like my mom said none of us are promised tomorrow or even today (thanks Mom! :)). It’s all in God’s hands and I trust Him. Everything happens for a reason.

Thank you again for all your comments and support. Thanks for listening once again and for expressing your honest opinions and letting me express mine. You guys are so great and make this journey much easier. Thank you!

I also have to say a special HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my nephew Jamie who turns 1 today! I love you Jamie! I'll be posting a special post for him later. How blessed I am to have him in my life.

Am I selfish?

I know a lot of people are going to look at the title of this post and think I’m crazy to think I’m selfish, but just read on and you’ll see why.

I’ve been thinking a lot about adoption. I think at this point that is the only realistic option anymore to help with this desire in my heart and I’m slowly warming up and getting excited about it.

But, then I start thinking and I wonder if it’s really the best for everyone or just best for me.

Okay, here are my thoughts.

When thinking about adoption from Mark’s point of view: Here is a 52-year-old with quite a few health issues. He’s been married before and has 2 boys. Really he didn’t have the best experience being a father to the boys as he was divorced and she didn’t make it so easy on him to see the boys. Right now, he has the best situation where he has a Peyton and Jamie day, not having a child 24/7 but gets the “child/baby experience” he missed out on and finally got the “daughter” experience he’s always wanted. Really, if he wanted to think of a reason NOT to have a baby, he has plenty of reasons.

When thinking about adoption from the baby’s point of view: Here is a new baby who didn’t ask to be born but was born. Now the birthmother gives up the baby for adoption which is a sense of loss for the baby. If we were to adopt a baby, there is a good chance the baby would grow up without a father. There is a lot of support in our family and I’m not worried about family not being there, but the baby would have a sense of loss of a father. There are so many “healthy”, young, Christian couples waiting to adopt and is it really the best for the baby to be placed with us? First the loss of their birthmother, then the loss of an adopted father.

So, that’s where I feel selfish. Here I’m following the desire of my heart, but really is it for the best for everyone?

I did ask Mark the other day what keeps him so strong, what makes him not want to tell me to stop, that it’s been enough?

I expected him to say that he wants me to have my baby and for me to be happy, but I was so touched when he said “I have a strong desire to have a family with you.”

But at what point do you draw the line?

I just don’t know what to do anymore and I feel selfish.

April 20, 2011

I've kept a grief journal documenting as much as I remember about the last month. In time, I'll be sharing it all in hopes that it can help someone or help them realize they aren't alone in their feelings.

Here I documented the day we found out the beta dropped:

Day 1 (April 20, 2011):
I called Triage to get the results of my beta. I remember telling the nurse I was so excited and so nervous at the same time. She started looking up the number and said “You were 18 on Monday, right?”. I said “Yeah”. Then I heard a gasp and I asked “What?”. She said “You’re down to 8”. I asked “What? Really?”. I know the nurse continued to talk but I honestly can’t remember what she said. I was numb.

I got off the phone and looked at the time….9:06. I knew there was a slight chance I might be able to talk to my psychologist in between her patients so I put in a call to her. I don’t remember what I said on her voicemail but I later found out I simply said “The beta dropped to 8. Please call me.”

After making the phone call, I went to tell Mark. I walked out into the hallway and saw Mark and Peyton cuddled together on the couch watching TV. I remember all I said was “Mark!”. He looked up at me and I started crying and he jumped off the couch to run to me, screaming “No!”. My legs gave out on me as I started screaming and crying and I fell to the floor. Mark held me and rocked me as I continued to scream and cry.

I felt so bad for Peyton. I felt so bad that no one was there to comfort her. She kept asking why I was crying and I couldn’t answer her. My strength was gone. But I think she knew right away. After only a few seconds of my crying and screaming, she asked if it was the babies and Mark said yes. She asked if they were in heaven and Mark said yes. Then she said she was sad because she thought she would have cousins.
At that point, I hugged her and cried and cried.

After a few minutes, I called into work. I have a very loving, understanding lead and she knew what we had been through. I told her what happened and said I couldn’t work the rest of the day. She was very understanding.

After I got off the phone, Peyton asked if I had to work anymore. I said I didn’t. She was so happy as I got to play with her now. I told her I was just going to lie down and Mark said that he would play with her and that they had to leave me alone to lie down.

At that point, I went and lay down. It took all my strength to text people “Beta went down to 8”. After that, I just laid and cried and cried.

My mom works just down the street from our house and just a few minutes after sending the text, she was at our house. I felt so bad as all I could do was lay there and shut my eyes. I couldn’t even look at her. I couldn’t look at anyone. I was so devastated.

My mom decided she was going to take Peyton with her back to work which we all thought was the best. Peyton came up to me when I was laying down and said she had to go with Grandma to work and that she was sorry she had to leave. She said that she would be back next week. I told her we would plan on that and then I said I was sorry she had to see me like she did and that she had to go through that. She patted my hand and said “It’s okay, Tammy”. She gave me a hug and then she left with my mom. I was so grateful for my mom and all she did for us that day.

After an hour, my psychologist called me and we talked. She recommended calling my RE to see what we can do. I called and left a message on the nurse’s machine. Not too long after I left the message, I got a call back from the nurse after they got the results. She first said she was so sorry. I asked if it was possible it was a vanishing twin and she said with the results as low as they were, she didn’t think so and she thought the RE would tell me to stop all the medications. I started crying so hard. She asked me if I was going to be okay and I told her I wasn’t. She asked if I was alone and I said that my husband was with me. Then she said something I won’t forget: “I’m so sorry, Tammy. You just can’t catch a break.” She then said my RE would call me when he came into the office.

A couple hours later, he did call and the first words out of his mouth were “Not good, kiddo”. I started bawling. Then I started pleading with him, asking him if it was possible it was a vanishing twin, if I could be on bedrest to save the baby, if there was anything I could do, eat, anything. He explained that at this point, this far out from the transfer, there was no way with a beta of 8, dropping more than half in 48 hours, that it would be a viable pregnancy anyway. He said to stop the medications and we would repeat a beta in a week. He then said something that upset me. He said “You should get a period in a couple days and it’ll be just like a regular period because the pregnancy was of very few cells.”. I could see what he meant and meant no harm, but I knew there was no way it was going to be a “regular period” and “the pregnancy” was not just a “pregnancy” to me. That’s a growing baby in my uterus that I have to bleed out.

I had an appointment scheduled with my psychologist that afternoon. I couldn’t even sit in the waiting room in front of people. I asked to be moved to another room to wait. I was crying so hard and I had a horrible headache from crying so much.

My psychologist contacted my midwife who came to the office. She hadn’t heard the results, but I’ll never forget her face when she saw me….she knew. We hugged and cried. My midwife called in a prescription for alprazolam to help me relax and sleep. My headache was getting worse and my stomach was really upset. After the appointment, I had to have a front desk worker walk me out to my car. I drove to the pharmacy but realized I didn’t have any money with me so I drove home. I barely made it into the garage as I was feeling so sick. I went into the house and went straight to bed.

Mark was such a sweetheart. I told him about the medication and how I couldn’t get it. Then I started getting sick, throwing up, and Mark got me a bucket next to our bed.

After a couple hours, the prescription was finally called in and Mark drove down to get the medication and I was finally able to take it and sleep for the night. It didn’t take the pain away but it made me feel numb so it was tolerable.

Without Mark, I don’t know what I would have done. We obviously got a lot of phone calls and he took them all. I knew I couldn’t talk to anyone. He got my medication for me and made sure I took it every 4 hours when I could so I could at least rest.

Our BFP story--part 2

After talking to my midwife, we were heading out to see my sister. She works as a loan officer and we had to do some banking business. We were going to stop at Uncle Donuts and bring a special treat to her, but then realized that they weren’t open on Mondays. So, instead we go into Wal-Mart and got donuts there.

Again, the drive was so amazingly long as I couldn’t wait to tell my sister that I was pregnant!

I know my sister was worried that we would get a call from the clinic with bad news when we were sitting with her. So, when we got there, I told her right away with no expression on my face that we had gotten the call so she didn’t have to worry about us getting the call then. I could tell she was afraid to ask and was pretty nervous but then broke into a big grin when I told her I was pregnant. We hugged and we were both so happy!

After we had done our banking business, we talked and decided that we needed to go out to celebrate that night. I especially couldn’t wait to see the kids and tell them the good news and I was so happy that my sister was going to let me tell them.

After we left the bank, we decided to go tell Mark’s sister who worked at a furniture store near my sister’s bank. We went into the store and she was helping a couple people so we had to wait. This waiting was killing me! Just as my mom called and I was talking with her, Mark’s sister was available. Mark told her we needed a crib and her eyes got really big. “Is Tammy pregnant?” she asked Mark and Mark told her yes with a big smile. More hugs and smiles!

After talking with her for a little while, we drove back home. I was so excited to finally announce on my blog, FB and my family and friends that we were pregnant!

I was amazed by the amount of emails, comments and support we already had when I went online. I posted our good news and then ate a little lunch. I was amazed when I went back to the computer to see all the happy birthday/congrats wishes. Wow! In less than an hour, I already had over 100 messages in my inbox for my email and it was amazing to me.

After awhile, Mark and I laid down for a little rest. I knew I wouldn’t sleep, but I wanted to rest for the babies. I remember laying in bed thinking I was the luckiest woman alive. I had a baby/babies growing inside me and I had the most amazing husband laying next to me.

After laying down for awhile, I got back up and checked online again and was amazed at the amount of support. It really touched me.

The phone was ringing off the hook all afternoon and we were so excited and we were so amazed by the support and how excited people were for us.

Later that afternoon, my parents brought the kids over before we were going out to eat. I showed Tyler and Peyton the stick with the plus sign on it. Tyler seemed to be more excited about playing with Doogie, but Peyton was so happy. After seeing the stick and talking a little bit about the babies, she wanted to go get our baby doll, Hazelnut, and she held Hazelnut until we left to go out to eat.

When we went out to celebrate with my parents and sister’s family, Peyton was so excited to sit by me because I had babies inside me. It was so amazing to hear her say I had babies in me. It didn’t even seem possible.

I got a baby book from my sister’s family for my birthday and then got a free dessert for my birthday after convincing Peyton to tell the waitress it was my birthday. I’m all up for free dessert. :)

The next day, I admit I was a little nervous as my symptoms weren’t as prominent as the day before. I wasn’t as nauseous and wasn’t as hungry. But, I had the hot boobs sensation and my low back was bothering me a lot. Plus, I talked to a good friend who had a transfer a couple weeks before me and had a beta of 10 and she had just called me that day to tell me that she had an ultrasound and they found a heartbeat! She had no symptoms at all. I felt a lot better after that.

I found as the day went on, my back was hurting more and more. It felt better when I was laying down on my left side and when I talked to a good friend, she said it was common in women with tilted uteruses to have low back pain and I’ve been told my uterus is very tilted. I felt so relieved after that.

When talking to this friend, I remember she said she couldn’t believe I wasn’t freaking out as she was freaking out when she first got her positive test. I felt so comfortable and I wasn’t freaking out at all. I told her that would come with time, though. :)

I loved the feeling that I was pregnant. I loved the back pain I had, the hot boobs and being able to FINALLY read in my pregnancy book. It had collected dust for so long that I was so excited to finally be able to read it!

What a beautiful time of my life.

To my wonderful niece, Peyton

My dearest Peyton,

I can’t believe you’re 5 years old already. It seems like just yesterday I was holding you in the hospital, videotaping your brother, Tyler, looking at you, not sure what to think of you and seemed to be a little bit scared and not saying much. It makes me smile now as we know that’s not the case anymore. It seems like he can’t stop yelling at you, doesn’t it?

Five years ago as I was holding you, I never would have imagined the relationship we have today and even more amazing, the relationship you have with Mark. It is so wonderful to see the two of you together, to see the love and joy you guys have for each other. You mean so much to Mark and I hope you can see that.

So much has changed in the past 5 years. I remember when I was holding you the day you were born, I was thinking how I would soon be where your mommy was and I was so excited to give you a cousin close to your age. I was so excited. I never dreamed that 5 years later, I’m still unable to give you a cousin and I’m so sorry about that.

However, I also never dreamed how much you would be involved in our journey to bring you a cousin. You’ve helped with my shots. You’ve gone to my “butt” appointments. You’ve even drawn the circles on my butt to make it easier for Mark to give me shots (make sure you tell your mommy I said my butt was the only butt you could ever draw on!). You’ve also held onto our baby dolls we have in memory of Peanut, Hazelnut and Lugnut, usually sleeping with Hazelnut when you stay at our house. You’re the most protective, loving cousin and I thank you for loving the babies so much.

I’ll never forget the day we found out we lost our babies inside me when they were growing inside me only a few weeks ago. It was on a Peyton day. When I got the call and came out to tell Mark, I collapsed on the floor in so much grief, screaming, and Mark held me. I felt so bad that no one was there to comfort you as you kept asking why I was crying. My strength was gone, sweetie, and I felt so bad that I couldn’t even answer you. But, you knew, as only a few seconds of my crying and screaming, you asked if it was the babies and Mark told you yes. You asked if they were in heaven and Mark said yes and then you said you were sad because you thought you would have cousins.

I’m so sad, too, sweetie. I wish things were different. What gives me comfort is you, honey. So many people have been a comfort but I think what you said helped the most. When I told you the babies were still in my heart, you said to me “They aren’t alone because Jesus is in your heart, too!”. I think of that all the time and it gives me comfort.

You have been there through so much of our journey to bring you cousins and you’re such a big part of it and without you and your strength, smiles, laughter and encouragement, Mark and I couldn’t be as strong as we are and for that, we thank you sweetie.

You’ve always been a special girl to us, so special. You can make us smile when we’re sad. You hold us up when we’re weak. It’s so special when Mark is dizzy and you hug him to hold him up, when there are tears in my eyes and you tell me over and over “It’s okay Tammy!” until I finally give you a smile, when you give hugs and kisses when we’re sad, when I tell you I love you so much and you tell me you love me more, when I pick you up from school and the minute you see me, your face breaks into the biggest smile.

You’re a beautiful, special niece and you hold a very special place in our hearts. We are so unbelievably proud of you. Thanks for being the girl you are and for giving us the support and love you do. You make the world go around and bring the sunshine and rainbows to our day.

I love you so much sweetheart. Happy birthday!

A bittersweet conversation

I had written this a couple months ago and realized I never posted it. When I read it today, it brought tears to my eyes because I realize just how lucky I am to be an aunt and what a tremendous joy the kids bring me and what better day to share my joy than today. It's Peyton's 5th birthday and I'll be sharing a special post about her tomorrow.

Here is the long-awaited post:

The other day I was at my chiropractor's office. Mark and I were watching both Jamie and Peyton and they were in a play room with another little girl. I asked her mother how old she was. "She's 4. How old is yours?"

I said "Oh, they're my niece and nephew. Peyton's 4 and Jamie's 10 months"

She said "Oh, I'm sorry. You honestly never would have guessed they aren't yours. They look so much like you."

I said, "Oh that's okay, we get it a lot. I'd claim them if I could."

She said "You must baby-sit them a lot. They're lucky to have you."

I can't tell you how many times we've been mistaken for the kids' parents. I can see where people would get it mixed up as they definitely look like my side of the family.

I don't mind at all being mistaken for their mom. In fact, it's quite the honor. I'm so very proud of the kids and they are so beautiful.

The fact is, I'm not. And sometimes it's hard to say I'm just the aunt, not the mom, or to have Peyton quickly correct people by saying "She's not my mommy, she's my auntie!".

I love it when people mistake me for the mom. That means in my mind I'm mom material. I must be doing something right or have the right look to have people think I'm the mom. It truly warms my heart so much. It really does.

And yet at the same time, it's like a shot in the heart to say "No, I'm not the mom. I'm the aunt" It's like a constant reminder that I have no children here, I'm just an auntie. And yet at the same time, I love the kids sooooo very much that I'm so proud that I was mistaken for their mom.

Does that make any sense?

Probably not.

I think the comment that made me feel so good came from my sister. We were all at a softball game and we ran into an old high school friend. I was holding Peyton at the time and my friend said something about Peyton being my daughter. I explained that I was the aunt, not the mother. My sister piped in and said "She's more like Peyton's second mommy".

That warmed my heart so much and I don't know if my sister ever realized what she said meant so much to me. It was the nicest comment she could've said and made me feel so wonderful.

I take so much joy in my nieces and nephews. They all mean so much to me.

I'm so blessed to be an aunt...ahem, second mommy.

I'm trying so hard....

I'm trying so hard to get over this pissed off feeling. I really am.

It's just not working at all.

I would be 7 weeks pregnant today.

Instead I get all these reminders that I'm not pregnant.

Our neighbors recently told us they are expecting and due the end of September. Neighbors who live right across the street from us and whose front door I look at through my office window every single day.

A constant reminder.

My first day back to work my first 3 reports to type are Labor and Delivery Reports that my midwife dictated.

Another reminder.

There are 2 pregnant mothers whose daughters I coach in gymnastics who I see every week.

Another reminder.

My favorite gymnastics show had a surprising twist last week in which a gymnast turns up...you guessed it...pregnant.

Another reminder.

Mark's favorite show was on the other night in which the star of the show talks about wanting to have a baby and needing to find a sperm donor.

Another reminder.

We had a new girl in gymnastics last week. Her name is Hannah. If we have a daughter, you know what her name would be? You guessed it....Hannah.

Another reminder.

And then last night, to celebrate our anniversary, we went out to a movie. I won't say the name of the movie as to spoil it but at the end there was a surprise pregnancy.

Another reminder.

Seriously?

How am I supposed to go on when it's constantly being thrown in my face?

10 years ago...

10 years ago I married the strongest man I know. He’s been through so many health issues and he has been my rock through our 7-year infertility battle.

When we first got married, I honestly thought we would be so lucky if we made it 5 years. Mark was that sick. Now, I am in awe as I write this that 10 years later, Mark looks the best he’s looked in years.

I’ve heard many times that if it weren’t for me, Mark wouldn’t be here and that I’m his angel. I think Mark’s so strong and brave that he would still be here without me. However, without him, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. He’s taught me so much about myself, how to be a better wife, friend, daughter, aunt, stepmother and mother (yes, I AM a mother!).

He’s given me strength when I’ve been so weak. He’s given me hope when I’m hopeless. He’s held me when the tears won’t stop. He’s never left my side when I need him.

I’ve watched him suffer through what seemed like endless hospital stays. I’ve watched him scream in intense pain that no one else sees. I’ve seen the frustrating tears and pain in his eyes when he just wants to be normal.

I’ve also watched him grow as a father, husband, Christian, uncle, brother and friend. I’ve seen the tremendous softness and love in his eyes. I’ve seen the glorious smile and glow in his eyes when we saw that positive pregnancy test together. To see me smile is to see him smile.

To say I’m the luckiest woman in the world is an understatement. He’s my soul mate, best friend, uncle of the greatest nieces and nephews and father of our beautiful angel babies.

Happy 10 years Mark. I love you so very much!

What people can do....

So many people have asked what they can do to help and wish there was some words or something they could do.

I wish there was too. And I feel horrible that there really isn’t anything anybody can do. I hurt that others are hurting and I feel bad that I’m the cause of other people hurting even though their hurting is only because they love me so much and want me happy.

I can tell you with certainty that nothing anybody can do will make me completely happy. Some things will touch my heart, will help me smile. But nothing will take the pain away. And no matter what you say or do, you just can’t win.

You can say one thing to me one day and it’ll comfort me. You say the exact same thing to me the next day and it’ll upset me.

You can call me one day and I’ll love to talk to you. Call me the next day and I’ll be upset you can’t leave me alone.

And the list goes on and on. I think you get the picture. You just can’t win.

The things that have comforted me the most are the “surprise” things such as my sister bringing the kids and supper one night, my parents bringing plants in memory of the babies, the flowers, gifts and cards in the mail, a surprise email giving support or an out of the blue FB message saying I’m being thought of.

I’m not saying everyone has to go out and buy me something or send me something. Please don’t think of it like that at all. It has just been a big comfort for me that people go out of their way to show me I’m thought of and that I lost babies rather than just saying “let me know if there is anything I can do”. It means a lot that people say that, but it means even more when people just “do something” instead of waiting for me to go to them.

I’m not saying this to beg for anything or something like that. Please don’t think that….please. I just know I’ve been in your shoes where someone I love hurts so much and I just don’t know what to do and I know how much that hurts me and I just wanna fix it. And just “being there” for someone is a beautiful thing but doing something for that person out of the blue and unexpected means so much more.

Also, being patient. Know that if I’m quiet or not saying anything, please don’t take it personally. It’s not you. It’s me. Please understand that what may work today, may not work tomorrow. What I’m feeling today may not be what I’m feeling tomorrow. What I need today, may not be what I need tomorrow. I know that’s frustrating and is painful for you as someone who wants to help and it’s equally as frustrating and painful for me not to be able to feel the same every day or tell you what you can do to help me every day.

Believe me, if I knew what you could do to help, I’d tell you. I don’t want to hurt just as much as you don’t want me to hurt and I don’t want you to hurt either.

Thank you for being there for me, loving me, not giving up on me and supporting me no matter what I need or want on a given day.

Hope

Throughout our infertility journey starting back 5 years ago when we started doing IUIs, the thing that got me through the failed cycles was knowing I had hope. Each failed cycle had days of extreme sadness and despair, but I also had many more days of hope each cycle.

Through our 12 failed IUIs, I had 339 days of hope and 37 days of sadness.

Those 339 days kept my spirits up and helped me keep going.

During our IVF and 2 FETs, again, I had many more days of hope.

Hope is the one thing we are assured of during our infertile journey and I am so grateful for that.

My hope is gone.

I know I’m still grieving and very sad. I’m in a place in my life right now that I’ve never felt lower, never felt so defeated, lost and alone. And I know maybe someday the hope will come back but right now all I see is failure and hope isn’t even visible.

I just always had a “for sure” next step, always had a “backup” plan, always had the funds in our “peanut fund”. Always had hope.

Now, our “peanut fund” is wiped out and, although we have some future options, I can’t even begin to think about the next step until I’ve fully grieved the losses I’ve experienced and I just don’t know when/if that will ever happen.

I miss hope.