Why?

Do you know how many times I've asked that question? I don't understand it. I don't get why wonderful people have so much trouble becoming pregnant. There are teenagers who don't want their babies and kill them and hide them and then there are people like me who want a baby so bad it physically hurts. Why?

I feel horrible for Michelle. She's tried 9 times and is now onto IVF. Her husband serves in the military and was in Iraq. With all they've done for our country and how much they want to be parents, why can't they? It makes me mad. I know deep down there's a reason. I know God doesn't want his children to suffer, but why do we?

Last night, I was physically ill because I was hurting so much. I just want to be happy and there's a huge hole in my heart that just can't be filled. And to see the look on my husband's face when I have to tell him it's negative....that's something no married person should have to go through. I believe in my heart I'm meant to be a mommy. My desire is too strong. I just don't understand why it's taking so long. I've always felt "second best". Mark was married before me, so I feel "second best" even though I know for a fact Mark doesn't feel that way. I've got two wonderful stepsons....but of course I'm not their "mother", so again "second best". I'm so close to my niece and nephew and I know they love me so much....but again, I'm their aunt and not their mother...again "second best". I want my own. I want to be a mommy so much I felt physically ill thinking about what I don't have. I know I have so many wonderful things in my life, but I'm still so unhappy. I know that's selfish. I know I'm very blessed....I just have a hole that needs to be filled.

Thank you SOOOO much for the support everyone. The responses have been so wonderful and it means so much to me. I wish I could thank each one personally and hug each person for all the support. God bless you all! This month was tough. You'd think after 8 tries, it would get easier, but it definitely gets harder and harder. I'm fully aware about the progesterone and how it can affect temps and cause symptoms....trust me, I've done all that research and read up on that so I know progesterone like I know the back of my hand. This month was different though. My temps didn't follow the normal pattern it does on progesterone and I had cramping and bloating at times that I never had had it and I had symptoms I didn't even know were symptoms. Granted some of them could definitely be related to the progesterone but I know some weren't.
I do believe that when you want something so bad, your body will play into it. I can sit here and tell myself for hours that I have a headache....and I will. I can tell myself I'm tired....and I will be. The mind is a tricky thing and I realize now that I'm not crazy....I just wanna be happy and be a mommy.

Thanks again for being here! (((HUGS)))

Official BFN....onto #9

Blood test came back less than 1.....I was never pregnant. I don't understand it at all. My MW thinks maybe I'm getting sick which is why my temp is up....who knows.
All I know is that I had symptoms I've never had and symptoms I didn't know could be related to pg. Am I going psycho? Do I want it so bad that my body tricks me into it? I'm so embarrassed that I'm like this.

BFN

**WARNING** This will be a negative post. I'm usually upbeat and positive, but I'm not in a very good mood today.

I was originally going to wait until Friday to test because I had the day off of work. Well, last night before I went to bed I prayed so hard to God that if I wasn't pregnant, please don't give me any false hope and let my temp go down. If I was pregnant, then let the temp stay the same and let me test. I know....you shouldn't put "boundaries" on prayers and God's will, but I felt strongly that God would lead me. This morning my temp went up 0.3 to 99.02. (Check out the link from the previous post). That's the highest it's ever been at this point in my cycle. I thought for sure I was pregnant and tested with both an Answer and a digital, both BFN. I'll be requesting a blood test today to confirm before I stop the progesterone.

I don't understand. Am I a psycho? I had symptoms this cycle I've never had before. Granted, I felt AF was on her way, but as many people have said, a lot of people think AF is on her way only to be surprised. Why am I having symptoms and high temps without being pregnant? I feel like I'm losing it. I feel so stupid and like such a retard for thinking that there is even a possibility. And to see the look on Mark's face when I told him this morning. I know he mostly feels bad for me, but I know he's really hurting. All I want to tell him is "Honey, you're gonna be a daddy". I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

This last cycle was very emotionally draining on me and I really don't know how I'm going to get through this next cycle with more extensive testing and stuff. This cycle I'll be doing injections so I have to learn how to do them and I really was hoping not to have to do that. Each cycle gets harder and harder and I hate it. We are now onto #9.

Why is this so hard? Why do I have the hope only to have it shattered so many times? What am I doing wrong? I'm a firm enough believer to know this is God's plan and that there is a reason. I just hate the false hope and just "knowing" you're pregnant only to see the words "Not Pregnant" on a digital and knowing you have another month to wait....and around Christmas at my favorite time of the year.....I just don't know how much more I can take.

Tomorrow I'll be baking cookies with Tyler and Peyton and my mom which I'm really looking forward to. That'll help me quite a bit. And I'm hoping my sister will let me borrow one for the night...hint, hint. :) I could sure use a warm Tyler or Peyton right now.

Thanks again for the wonderful support. Michelle, looks like I'm joining you in another round. Hopefully January will be our month sweetie! You deserve it!

8DPO and I already feel like I'm out

I know....too early to make any real assumptions. But, last night I had some eggwhite CM. I usually get watery/eggwhite CM a week or so before AF comes. So, I feel like this month is already a bust. I know it's early and I know it's not over until the witch shows. I try not to be negative...I'm usually a pretty positive person....but this is my blog and I can vent whatever I want and be as negative as I want. :) I cried when I saw the eggwhite. I just feel like it's already over and I don't understand it. We had perfect timing and even if that 40 mm egg wasn't viable, there was still a 23 mm egg behind it that would've released with the trigger. If this one doesn't work, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I'm really worried about the depression I'm going to go through. Why is it that some couple get pg on their first or second try and then others have to go through so many cycles??? I'm sorry to be a downer. I'm just crushed right now.


Also, I have laryngitis. I can't talk at all. Mark is thrilled. :) I'm obviously less than thrilled. This cold is really starting to irritate me. :)

Sorry to be such a downer today. I'm just really down. I know it's still early, but as all you TTC'ers know, we know our bodies so well and really pay attention to it that sometimes you just "know".

I got crib sheets!!!

I know....kind of a weird title, but I'm soooo excited!!! Awhile ago, I told you guys that I love Precious Moments things. Jody had mentioned that K-mart had PM crib sheets and she was surprised because they normally don't carry them. Friday afternoon, Mark and I were Christmas shopping (yeah, that's right...and believe it or not, we're almost done!) and we saw a K-mart. I didn't think they'd have them, but I thought I'd check anyway. I found them!!! And a beautiful, soft PM blanket. I was so thrilled! I was screaming and hugging Mark. It was awesome! Here's a picture of them:

Otherwise we haven't been doing much. I'm trying to stay busy. Yesterday we rented 2 movies, "Evan Almighty" and "License to Wed". I had seen "License to Wed" in the theatre, but Mark hadn't so we rented it. Both movies are great!! I laughed so hard once again watching "License to Wed". That movie is awesome! My favorite quote is "It's healing time" and then Ben says "Wow! That didn't do anything at all.". I love it. :) Does anyone else have any good movie recommendations? I can't wait for "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry". I haven't seen that one and I really want to.

I read Michelle's blog this morning and it was so awesome! She really hit it on the nose. Thanks for sharing Michelle! It really made me think how much of an emotional journey this is and made me realize how lucky I am to have you all. Tracey said it best awhile ago when she said she thinks about her TTC friends every day. Just yesterday I was lighting a candle and I thought of Michelle and how much she loves candles and has to light a bunch before moving to Guam and I was wondering how that was going for her. :) This morning I woke up knowing Shari was doing her IUI today and I was excited for her! And I'm always wondering how Tracey and Meg's IVF is going, how onemorebaby is doing (I really miss ya girl!), praying for Cindy, Deena, Amy and Sharon and wondering how they're doing with all the heartache they're going through, Tanya with her twins, etc. I think about everyone all the time. You guys have become a family to me and I love you all! I couldn't ask for a better group of friends to share this journey with. Thanks you guys! (((HUGS)))

And on a closing note....I was soooo excited that I would be able to get an extra hour of sleep this morning with the Daylight Saving Time. But do you think I could sleep...no! I was up at the same time as I always am up. Granted, it gave me an hour more to do stuff....but man, sleep would've been nice.

More pics

Here are some pictures I'd like to share...isn't this fun??? :)

Here are Tyler and Peyton on Friday on our baby-sitting day.
A tip...never take your eyes off a child with a marker. Peyton had gotten into a marker and decided to draw herself a beard. We had so much fun washing that off. You can see Tyler in the background laughing. He thought it was so funny Peyton had a beard...I fail to see the humor in it.....okay, it is kind of cute. :)
Here is Tyler and Peyton with a monkey pile on their grandpa.
Michelle, look at this!!! I found a "swimmer" on my carpet last night, too!!! Isn't that awesome?? Mark couldn't believe I took a picture....I told him I had to share it!!! :)

Not much to report. We had a rather boring weekend. Mark was really sick. I think he came down with the flu or something. He still has a sore throat, but he's able to keep things down now which is good. Our whole weekend was spent in the house, catching up on laundry and doing nothing....with an occasional nap. Sounds great, huh? :)

I've been thinking a lot about Deena and how it just isn't fair. I've realized that my blogging and board friends have become so much of a "family" to me. They are the people who understand so much of the heartache and pain we're going through and to see one of my family members hurting so much....it just breaks my heart. I feel so blessed to have found you guys and have become such a close-knit family. I don't think anyone would choose to go down this road we are, but everyone would choose you guys as friends....thanks!


TTC update: I've taken Clomid for 2 days now!!! I go in for my first u/s this Friday to check on the progress. I'm not expecting too much. I'm thinking it's gonna be way early...but there is no way I'm taking any chances this month. Like Shari would say, I'm pumping up the volume!!!


Have a great day you guys!!!

Welcome to my pity party

I normally try to be a positive person but this is the place where I can vent and scream and whatever, so I apologize in advance for the negativity of this post.

The last few days have been very tough. I've been in the why me?/it's not fair?/what am I doing wrong? mood. I thought for sure I'd be one of those women who got pg in the first few cycles. It's been over 4 years....about 1-1/2 years of aggressive work with doctors. Why? My mom and sister had no problems at all....so why am I having trouble? I'm frustrated beyond words....some moments I feel better, other moments I hate this. Last night Mark and I had a conversation:

Mark: Honey, you look like you're about to cry again...I'm sorry.
Tammy: (Between sniffles) Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks.
Mark: (Puzzled look).
Tammy: You know, from the movie "Forrest Gump" where Jenny's throwing the rocks at the house and Forrest is with her and says that.
Mark: Oh, yeah. Do you want me to get you more rocks?

Then again last night when I was stressed out about our insurance (we found out that our wonderful coverage will probably change at the end of the year):

Mark: It's all gonna work out, honey. We just need you to relax.
Tammy: Everybody says that. I'm sick of hearing that. Man, if relaxation was a way to get pg, I'd have been pg at 10 and there would be pg women running around everywhere.
Mark: I think you would've been too young to be pg at 10.

What a jokester (not sure how to spell that word).

Like I said above, it sounds like our insurance will probably change at the end of the year. So, basically I need to get pg before the end of the year. I have an appt with my midwife today to discuss my concerns and what I want to do for this next cycle. I have an appt with a fertility specialist on Nov. 28...the soonest I could get in and they're squeezing me in.

Why is this happening? It just isn't fair. Yesterday I heard about a woman who went into the doctor for abdominal pain. She was slightly obese. Turns out her last period was in February and she was due in November. She hadn't been taking prenatals, had been smoking and drinking and was so upset about this pregnancy. How do people like that get to have babies and we can't? It's not fair.

Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks.

I'm kind of freaking out :(

Okay, so I know I've discussed something like this before so I apologize if I'm letting it get to me again. But this is the place for me to get out my fears, frustrations and excitement, so here it goes.

As most may know, Mark has diabetes. He has some low sugar reactions. When he has them, he either knows he's low and takes care of it himself or doesn't know and he either acts drunk, violent (although very, very seldom does he act violent), cooperative and eats, has seizure activity or is unconscious. Well, in the last couple days, he's had 2 reactions. One was where he was acting drunk and running into walls, etc. He was "overly affectionate" to me and the dog, hugging us and being a little more "aggressive" with his hugs...although he meant well. Then, the next day, he had a reaction with seizure activity which is pretty scary.

I started thinking....this is probably going to happen when we have a baby. How the heck is this going to be "okay"?? If he's low and too rough with the baby....that's scary to even think about. Of course I'd be there to watch out for it....but it's hard trying to take care of someone with a low sugar reaction and a baby on top of that. I can just picture him being "out of it" and we have a crying baby in the background. Then with the seizure activity, when the baby is older, it's gonna scare the crap out of the baby and it kills me to think how the baby would feel. I mean our dog was freaking out and I had to try to calm it down. He even was huddling in the bathroom and he doesn't like the bathroom at all (too many bathes :(). So, I'm terrified what it'll to do our baby. Even for me, seeing him having the seizure activity is a tough image to get out of my head.

Sorry, this is kind of a bummer post. :( Guess I just needed to vent a little.

On a positive note, my mom brought the kids over for lunch yesterday and I made Tyler and Peyton some peanut butter toast. Tyler took one bite and said "Tammy, you made the best toast ever!". Okay, sound of Tammy's heart melting. :) I'm so excited that I'm the best toast maker and no one can take that away from me according to Tyler! :)

I've got 2 eggies!!!

I can't believe it! One is 24 mm and the other is 20 mm!! I'm soooo excited!! I'll be getting a trigger shot this afternoon at 4:30!! Then the IUI will be on Sunday at 7 in the morning!! She was a little leery about doing the shot for "fear" of twins, but if it's meant to happen, it'll happen. Mom, I may have to take you up on that offer of hiring you as a full-time daycare. :)

My mom just dropped by when I was getting home with a bouquet of flowers for my eggie. Isn't that sooo sweet??? Thanks so much Mom! I love you!!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! You guys rock!!! Thanks so much for the prayers!!! Thanks sooooo much you guys!!!!!

I got my peak!! Woo-hoo!!!

I FINALLY got my peak on my monitor!! And with the u/s this morning, it's gotta be good timing! At least I'm thinking it's gotta be! I'm really hoping and praying for a good strong eggie! Last month's experience keeps playing in my mind...but I can't worry about that. I'm just over the moon that I got a peak!! That never happened last month, so at least something is different. :)

Thanks again you guys for the wonderful support! I love it! You guys rock so much! Yeah for Heather for getting on!! Woo-hoo!! Thanks for your nice comment! And Amy (Amy&Sharon) thanks for not knowing there were words to "Bewitched"....that makes me feel better. :)

Oh, and I added in later yesterday that it was my mom and dad's anniversary later and not sure if other people saw it....so I wanted to say it again. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad (yesterday)!!! I love you!!!

I was talking to a very good friend yesterday who has been with me through day 1 since TTC. We were talking about what an emotional rollercoaster this is (as all you TTC girls know) and how those days when AF comes are sooooo hard (as all you TTC girls know). I was telling her how I didn't know if I could handle another BFN as they are so hard (as all you TTC girls know :)). She pointed out to me that I've had a lot more days of "hope" rather than "despair and devastation". Since we've started doing inseminations, we figured out that I've had 139 days of "hope" and 15 days of total "despair and devastation". Then she asked me "Wouldn't you take those 15 days of your devastation for your 139 days of hope?". When she put it like that, I felt so much better. Yeah, those days after AF shows are tough....but yeah, there are a lot of days of hope, too.

Anyway, enough babbling! :) I'll be on later to let you know how the u/s goes! Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers! Love you all!!

Thank you!!

I feel like Michelle today....I'm so emotional and just so grateful for all the support. Michelle, we often think alike, don't we? :) I just can't get over how lucky I am. I have sooo much support, especially from my NW board. It doesn't matter if I'm on my first try or my sixth. Everyone is just as excited for my u/s and wishing me so much luck. I just can't believe how lucky I am to have found the NW board. It's the best. Thanks so much you guys! I couldn't go through this journey without ya! Okay, the tears are coming....gotta run and get some Kleenex.....and I'm back. :)

I don't know what it is...I just feel so overwhelmed right now with the amount of support and love. I was thinking the other day how great my life is and how lucky I am. I've got the best family, wonderful friends, wonderful husband, a great house, a great job, 2 wonderful boys....I could keep going on and on. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world! I'm so grateful to be on this TTC journey and have met so many wonderful people through it. What an awesome feeling. I truly feel so blessed in my life.

Thank you all for being a part of my life! I love you all!

I don't know why I'm getting all mushy and stuff.....for some reason, all your support just really means a lot and has really hit me the last couple days.

Okay, Tammy, enough! :)

Okay, here's the picture I promised of Peter. Here he is with his half-eaten cake. :( Poor guy. At least he got a piece of his cake. :)

This is crazy!!

Okay, so this is what I recorded into my Fertility Friend chart this morning:

1. CM.
2. CP.
3. Fertility Monitor Result.
4. Saliva Test Result.
5. Temperature.
6. And later today will be posting my OPK result.

Ths is so crazy guys! I can't believe how much we do for our babies! I had mentioned to Cindy that I was going to hold it against my baby and just said I was just kidding. She responded with the most awesome e-mail and I'd like to share it with you guys:


NO! You must remember all of this so you can let him/her REALLY have it. You will need this ammunition when they are teenagers, it's a good response to:

"You don't even care how much I hate unloading the dishwasher or that it just ruins my life!!"

"Yes, that's right, I went to doctors for 3 years undergoing every invasive horrible test, crying every single month, vomited 6-12 times a day for 6 months, went through 36 hours of hellish labor, walked the floor carrying you almost constantly for the 3 months of colic nightmare, and spent the last 17 years giving you every possible thing you could ever want or need and telling you I love you 20 times a day so I could ruin your life my making you unload the dishwasher"

"sigh.......okay mom I'm going"

hehehehehe, you must use it, it is part of the law for being a mother. Here are some other things you are required by law to say"

Don't make me pull this car over
How many times have I told you not........
Because I said so
Stop that, you're going to fall and break your neck
Don't do that, you'll put someone's eye out
Do you have to do everything your friends do?
Don't you roll your eyes at me
If you can't stop playing with that gum, spit it out
No, it's time to get in the tub and you better use soap this time
Did you brush your teeth or did you just wet the toothbrush?
We're going to be late if you don't stop messing around
Did you do your homework?
How long have you known about this book report?

and the number one......

I love you more than you can imagine


Thanks Cindy! You're the best!! :) Love ya girl!!

My gymnastics days are over

For those who don't know, I was a gymnast for most of my childhood through high school. I also coached for a few years after high school. I loved the sport. Lately I've been dreaming about it a lot and missing it. So, yesterday after leaving the clinic, I decided I would walk on the curb thinking it was a balance beam. I took 2 steps and stumbled and nearly landed on my face. I quickly looked around to see if anyone had seen. I'm sure there were people in their cars laughing their faces off at me. I made myself feel better by saying it was because of the surgery I had on my ankle....then realized it was the other ankle that made me stumble. The sad thing is I went to state on the balance beam 3 years in high school and placed in the top 6 two years. Yeah, I'm old and my days are over. How devastating.

I know I promised pictures of my niece, but my battery went dead on my camera, so I'll have to show you tomorrow. You guys are probably thinking whew!! :)

TTC update: Today I'm getting my CD3 labs. I'm sure everything will turn out fine. I can't believe in another week I'll be doing u/s again and doing another AI. Wow. :)

What a change in my attitude. A week ago, I was going through the worst depression spell in a long time. I didn't want to talk to anyone and just wanted to be left alone. Today, I feel so blessed to be going through this journey. Yeah, you read that right, I'm actually glad. Granted it's tough not being able to get pg right away. But, I have learned so much and met so many amazing people. I have become so close to my doctors and realized how much they truly care for Mark and I and want this just as bad for us as we do. I have met so many amazing people that I otherwise wouldn't have met...especially the girls on the NW board. You guys rock! I find myself stalking charts...anxiously waiting by the computer for them to wake up and post that temp. I mean, come on....don't you know I'm waiting? :) I find myself not being able to sleep being so nervous for somebody because I know they're going to test. I find myself crying over the BFNs and cheering for the BFPs. I have gotten to know more people through blogging and their personal lives. I find myself so excited for the long-timers getting their BFPs (Amy, RaJen, Deena, Tanya), anxiously waiting for those to get their BFPs (Michelle, Meg, Amy&Sharon, Laine....who else?....oh, yeah, ME!!) and so excited for Aradia and changing the poopy diaper!! Woo-hoo for the milk maid!!! I feel so blessed to have found you guys. I know we'll be friends forever. Soon we won't be talking about TTC, but our babies and when we're old, we'll be complaining about how we forgot to eat our prunes for the day....not a good feeling. :)

Can you tell I'm in a typing mood? I just feel so blessed to have found so many wonderful friends through this journey. It's tough but there's a reason and I love that there are benefits that outweigh the heartache.

Freak out venting session

I couldn't sleep last night. My mind was completely racing. I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to be a good mother. As you may know, Mark has a lot of health issues. He's been diabetic all his life, has had a kidney transplant, 2 heart attacks and triple heart bypass surgery. He's disabled. He currently sleeps all day, getting up when I get off of work and then is up for about 4-5 hours before going back to sleep. Yesterday, I had to nearly beg him to empty out the dishwasher and empty out the dehumidifer. He really doesn't do much around the house. I know most of it is because he doesn't feel good. If he felt good, he would do more.

Am I crazy for thinking I can do this? How am I going to take care of a child and Mark? What happens if he loses his kidney or has another heart attack or something? Driving him to dialysis was very wearing on me when we had to do it and I was younger and bouncier. :) We were in the ER at least once a week. Looking back, I don't know how I did it. And then to add a child into the mix....I just don't know how I'm going to do this. I have sooooo much support and I know my family will be there 100% for me. I'm not worried about that. But, I also know that the baby will be our responsbility, not theirs, and I need to take care of my own responsbility. I do know Mark will help in whatever way he can, but I also know he's going to need me too. He's already making comments about having to adjust to less time with me right now....hate to break it to ya hon, but it's only going to get worse with a baby.

I know there are lots of single mothers out there who do just fine. I just feel like sometimes Mark is a "big kid" rather than a husband and I feel like I'm going to be a mother to "2 kids" rather than a husband and wife having a baby. I know it's not Mark's fault and bless his heart for being willing to and wanting to do this.

I do believe God will give me strength and things will work out. I just want to be the best mother and the best wife and I don't know how to do it.

Am I crazy??? Have I lost it? Thanks for reading my ramble. :)