Not doing well

Just as a warning, this may upset people. I know so many would love to be in my shoes and I hesitated to “complain” but I also know it’s important to get feelings out. I’m normally an upbeat, glass half full type person but I’m really struggling lately.


Please no suggestions, parenting advice, etc. Please don’t say how you have it worse with 3 kids who won’t sleep, etc. I just can’t hear it right now.

I’m having a tough time right now. I have a 15-month-old who seems to have never gotten out of the infant stage. She’s still up at least 6 times a night. Because of Mark’s health issues and inability to see in the dark, it’s really all on my shoulders. I’m going on 15 months of many sleepless nights and more if you count the sleepless nights before Hannah came due to Mark’s health issues.

I work full-time from home and with the exception of Tuesdays when it’s Grandma Day, I don’t get a break.

I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated and so down. Right now I’m struggling to really enjoy motherhood, enjoy my daughter and the times with her. I’m trying to help her and myself get more/better sleep by trying to get a more scheduled sleep pattern as the sleep specialist recommended. The doctor promised us with more sleep during the day she’d sleep better at night….I’ve heard that before and it’s never worked with Hannah, but I was hoping. Nope. She’s getting solid naps in but still up a lot at night.

She’s fighting sleep with every nap and every bedtime which makes it even more hard to deal with.

My whole life just seems to be so focused on Hannah’s schedule and waking up at night with her. I go to bed when she goes. It seems my whole life is based around when she’s sleeping so I can get some rest.

She’s my world and comes first. I love her so much. That will never change. But right now I’m having a hard time. I’m depressed, frustrated and exhausted. I just want to get out of this slump.

I can’t explain just how overwhelming and stressful it is to have a wakeful baby and have a husband with health issues. Some days it’s just too much to handle.

So if I’m not commenting on blogs, FB, etc. please don’t take it personally. I’m just having a tough time right now.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Hannah's sleep specialist appointment

Hannah has sleep issues.

I know...shocker (mouth opens up wide)

After 2 professionals suggested Hannah be evaluated I broke down & made the appointment. It was hard. I felt like I was admitting I was a failure.

For the week before the appointment I was a bundle of nerves. I was so scared. I was VERY worried I would be reprimanded for the choices I was making. I was also worried they would find something very wrong.

To some people this sounded ridiculous and they let me know it. But I had been told recently that Hannah wasn't the problem & that it was me. So naturally I was very nervous. I didn't think I could handle being told by a specialist I was failing my daughter.

But honestly I had nothing to worry about. And many people are now saying "See! I told you so!"

I hate that. :)

The specialist was so nice. She observed Hannah for quite awhile & how she was developmentally & she said she was great. She responded & bonded to us so well & everything was right on track.

Then we talked a lot about her sleep. One thing the specialist reassured me was that it wasn't an indication of the parent & that I had done nothing wrong. I really needed to hear that.

She believes it's a temperament issue. She said some babies just are more temperamental & need more attention than others & wake up needing it. She's seen it a lot in babies. And she reassured me we weren't alone.

She also did not believe in crying it out & stated in these types of babies it doesn't usually work anyway. I REALLY needed to hear that.

So she gave us ideas & some things to try. Basically it's a strict schedule of naps, dimming lights, darkness, etc. It doesn't sound too bad but in all honesty I feel like a prisoner in my home. It is sooo structured. I like to have a little flexibility. I'm hoping it'll change eventually but I admit it's not easy for me right now. And I don't know how it'll go when I work on Monday. :(. She is such a Mama's girl so this won't be easy & Mark isn't as able to comfort her as easily.

We go back in a month where more changes will be made. All the changes are soooo gradual which is what Hannah needs & none of it requires making me cry it out which is what I need.

This is also the thought of night terrors with her screaming issues & she was put on probiotics for her stomach.

Oddly enough Hannah had no major screaming episodes 2 nights before her appt & then last night had 2 bad ones. :(

Thank you again for your thoughts & prayers for Hannah. It's so appreciated.

Hannah Banana is sick :(

My poor girl has been sick. :(

Starting last Thursday she had a fever, cough & runny nose. All weekend she was so miserable & not sleeping at all

I took her in on Monday. At that time she had the beginnings of a double ear infection. We were told they didn't look that bad & the infection might clear up on its own so we would start antibiotics the next day if she wasn't any better

The next day my poor girl was still not the best so we started it

On Thursday Hannah had a couple episodes where she seemed to be fine & then just started crying hysterically. She didn't want to be held or comforted & would crawl away as fast as she could into a corner to cry so hard alone. I'd try to rub her back but she would swat my hand away. This lasted for 10 min each time before she calmed down

It broke my heart.

I called her doctor & he wanted to look in her ears again. He had no explanation for her episodes but thought maybe she was in pain even if she seemed to be acting better

I took her in the next day. She had wheezing & crackles in her lungs which she didn't have on Monday & her ears were much more red.

She was diagnosed with RSV or possible pneumonia with a double ear infection. We didn't do any testing because the treatment was the same & I didn't want her to have to go through a chest x-ray or labs or anything

So my girl is on antibiotics. She's doing better although she had another episode during the night last night. :(. It breaks my heart! Has anyone else had their babies act like that?

So that's where I've been. I feel like a zombie as I haven't been sleeping much at all but I feel mostly bad for Hannah.

I hate it when she's sick. :(