The coolest thing happened

To give you a little background, after I had 3 months of BFNs, I came up with a rainbow image of my journey. The rainbow represented time, the pot of gold represented my dreams (baby) and the light shining down on the pot of gold represented God and His blessing. Right now, I'm on the rainbow and traveling on it and it'll be a matter of time before I get to my rainbow.

Remember the letter I posted a little while ago that said there will be something (a gift) waiting for me in Hawaii? That I should be on the lookout for it and that I will know in my heart when I see it? I had shared my rainbow image with a friend and at that time, she predicted my gift would be a rainbow. I definitely thought that could be.

Tuesday night we went to see Mark's mom. She wanted to see us off before we left. On the way there, I was going to stop at the bank and get $200 for cash for the trip. We were running a little late, so I thought I'll just get it later...we had time.

So we get there and she's so excited about us going to Hawaii. She's been there before and loves it. She's thrilled for us. Then, she gets out her checkbook and says she wants to contribute to our happiness. She writes out a check for $200 and says to bring back a rainbow. My heart stopped. I asked her what she was talking about and she said that rainbows are beautiful in Hawaii and that you can see 15 in a day. It's hard to explain, but at that moment, I knew that was what I was meant to see in Hawaii. I felt peace with God at that moment. He really is looking out for me in more ways than I can ever imagine. And to think she gave us a check for $200...the exact amount we were going to get for cash. It's just amazing to me.

I probably won't blog before we leave early Saturday morning, so I wanted to say good-bye! I'll be back Wednesday and will catch up then. I'll miss you all! I know some of my friends are going through big milestones in their TTC journeys (Michell, Michelle, Jess) and I wanted to let you guys know especially that I'm sure thinking of you and praying things go the way they're supposed to. I'll definitely be thinking of you guys sooooo much!

Tuesday ramblings

Sorry, I've kind of been MIA lately. Mark's been having a lot of nerve pain lately so he hasn't been feeling real good. :( We're starting a new program at work, so that's been a little stressful, and we've been getting ready to go to Hawaii!!! I'm so excited!! Oh, and Aradia....I promise a bikini picture when we get back! Woohoo!!! :)

I must say, I've enjoyed this month off. Sometimes I feel guilty about it and other times, I feel this is what I needed. We're thinking about taking another month off. But, when I think about it, the only reason I would want to take more time off would be because I hate that disappointment of the BFNs as they are getting harder and harder to take. But I want my baby so bad that I know that's a risk I need to take. So, we're leaning more towards not taking a break. As many of you know, I'm a strong believer in God and I do believe it'll happen when it's time and it doesn't matter how many eggs I have or swimmers going in there....it'll happen when it's meant to. And that gives me comfort.

On a positive note, I'm getting more action from Mark than I have in a long time! It really makes me feel good. I hope it lasts but it just seems this is always short-lived. I guess we'll see. Maybe it's my hot, tan body with those sexy curves!!! :)

I'd like to send a special shoutout to my friend K. They just found out their 4-month-old has fluid on the brain and are seeing a neurosurgeon today. My thoughts and prayers are with you girl! Love ya tons!!

Today's the day me and therapist get to devour a chocolate cake!!! I'm so excited!! One of the good things about now being in double digits. :)

I'll leave with a funny Tyler story. I love sharing stories of the kids. :)

Okay, here's the scene. It's Easter in church and it's packed. The pastor is praying so it's really quiet.

Tyler: My peter is sticking up. **in case you didn't catch it, he's talking about his manhood :)**
[sounds of people trying not to laugh, but, heck, it's so hard].
My sister: Tyler, sshh. We're in church. It's okay.
Tyler: No! It's not! I like it when it's down. I hate it when it's sticking up.

Trust me. We'll never forget that Easter. Later, Mark tried to explain to him that some day he'll like it that way but he didn't seem to understand that.

I've got curves!!

I've always hated my body. I'm very thin, have no chest and I just don't like it. I graduated at 95 pounds. I was a gymnast and would often be accused of being anorexic. I actually had the opposite problem of most people...I couldn't gain weight as hard as I tried. I'm not complaining. I know a lot of people would love that problem, but it was hard on me. My goal before TTC was to get up to 120 pounds, which I did!

Okay, so this past year, I've hated my body for another reason as we've been TTC and I know others know what I'm talking about. :) So, yesterday I went and saw my therapist. She said that this month I need to focus more on loving my body and not hating it so much. I need to know that I have a beautiful body. I'm thinking "yeah, right", but I just smiled and nodded. She goes onto say that I have wonderful curves and that this extra weight I've put on as really made me look good. She said the jeans I had on really looked nice and really showed off my wonderful curves. Okay, that may sound weird coming from a therapist, but she's a good friend and we talk about everything. She's always very honest, so I definitely took it as a compliment.

So, I'm shocked. I go home and immediately ask 2 of my really good friends if it was true. You know you have good friends when you can ask how they think about your body and know they'll give you an honest answer. :) They totally agreed! I was shocked! They said I have a great body...a "knock-out" body and 1 friend said a lot of the extra weight has gone to my back end making it fuller. Woohoo!! I'm so excited! I do wish more would go to my chest as I have very little boobs. But, to hear I have a "knock-out" body from people that I know would be completely honest is sooooo cool.

That's my good news for today! Pretty exciting, huh? :)

I obviously need a life.

My heart is breaking

I wanted to send out lots of hugs and sympathy to B&K and Cindy. There has been so much sadness and it breaks my heart. I wish I could see them both and give them the biggest hugs. Know that you guys are in my thoughts and prayers all the time.

Not much going on around here. Taking a break leads to a boring blog, doesn't it? So sorry. :(

I had been hoping to have a great post talking about how the Packers were going to the Superbowl....but that didn't happen. I'm actually a Vikings fan, but I do like Brett Favre and would've like to see him go. So, I was actually cheering for the Packers.

But, TK and Rachel won the Amazing Race!! I was thrilled for that!

Sending huge hugs to B&K and Cindy. Know you guys are loved and thought of all the time.

I've been tagged!!! Second post of the day

I was tagged by Growing Our Bean. :) Here it goes!!

The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

Here it goes:
1. I fart and burp more than Mark.
2. I work from home and very seldom get in "real" clothes. I put on p.j.s in the morning and go all day with them. If I have to get out, I change, but change back when I'm home. I sleep in my underwear (and that's it), so I actually do have to get dressed in p.j.s.
3. I love gymnastics. I was in gymnastics in high school and placed at state 3 out of 4 years. I also held all 5 school records for the sports at one point. That's my bragging. :)
4. I hate licorce.
5. I own a convertible.
6. I have a very small chest. It's been our joke that Mark will have to breast feed because my chest is too small.

I'm tagging:
1. Marlana from Gigglebaby
2. Michelle from Michelle's Path
3. Laine from Two Fl Mommies

Also, here's another one I thought would be fun:

Stolen from the Parker-Martins:Because we never really know each other as well as we think, in response to this post I'd like you to ask a question. Anything about which you are curious, anything you feel you ought to know about me. Silly, serious, personal, fannish. Ask away. Then copy this to your own journal/blog, and see what people don't know/want to know about you.

Ask anything and I'll answer in the comments! I may be sorry I posted this. :)

I'll be gone this weekend, but will get caught up when we get back.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

We had an ultrasound!!!!

I bet you thought it was me....well, gotcha. :) It was Mark. He had an ultrasound of his heart. Just a checkup to make sure things are okay. We don't know the results yet. When Mark first heard he had to have an ultrasound, he was panicking because they would see his "fat belly" and he needed to do more sit-ups. :)

We are so immature. We try to make the clinic visits fun. :) Every time we go to the elevator, we always try to beat each other to push the button. It's just a little game we play...I'm sure other people think we're goons. :) Then, when we're in the elevator, if there's no one there, we make out until the next floor. Pretty cool, huh? :) Well, this time, when we got in the elevator, Mark didn't see that there was someone in there and started kissing me. You should've seen the look on their face...and then Mark's got so red. :) It was so funny.

Then we went to the drug store to get some medication. Mark was going to drop off some movies at the video store at the same time. So, I'm waiting for the medication and then I feel someone grab my butt. I was just about gonna turn and smack someone only to see Mark there. I just said "hi"....but I was so embarrassed because I was so caught off guard. Mark thought it was hilarous.

Never a dull moment with the Wondras. :)

The phone conversation that broke our hearts

Tammy: Hello?
Tyler: Tammy! I got a necklace from Hawaii!
Tammy: You did! Where did you get that?
Tyler: From preschool! Can I go with you guys to Hawaii?
Tammy (a little caught off guard): Well, sweetie, I'd love for you to come, but it's kind of just a Mark and Tammy thing. I---
Tyler (interrupting): Put Mark on the phone.

[can you tell who the pushover is? :)]

Tammy: Well, he's sleep---
Tyler (interrupting and shouting): PUT MARK ON THE PHONE!

[Tammy gets Mark the phone as she listens in on another one].

Mark: Hello?
Tyler: Mark, can I go with you guys to Hawaii?

[Mark looks at Tammy with fear in his eyes].

Mark: Well, you'll have to ask Grandma because you'd have to miss Grandma Day.

[Grandma baby-sits Tyler 2 days a week called "Grandma Day", his daycare days are called "Donna Day" and weekends are "Mommy and Daddy Day"].

Tyler (shouting to Grandma): Mark and Tammy are leaving today!

[Mark and Tammy crack up laughing].

Tammy: No, Tyler. You'd have to miss a Grandma day, not today.
Tyler: Is Mark still on the phone? Get Mark. Mark needs to be on the phone.
Mark: I'm right here!
Tammy: Tyler, you'd have to miss 1 Grandma Day, 1 Donna Day, 2 Mommy and Daddy days and 1 day of preschool. That's a lot, isn't it?
Tyler (huge sigh and very sad): Yeah. (starting sniffling). But I want to come with you guys. Mark, can I please come?

Okay, so do you hear our hearts breaking? How do you say no to that? Our conclusion: Let Mommy and Daddy do the dirty work. :)

I was nominated for an award!!

Thanks so much to Mrs Lala from Empty Uterus Syndrome for nominating me for this award! You're such a sweetheart!


AWARD GUIDELINES:Awarded parties must nominate five people who have not received the award.The blogs that receive the award must serve some purpose. In their post about the award they need to link back to the original entry. Awarded parties must post the award banner on their site. The banner must remain linked to Eric Novak's site. (I have no idea how to link the banner, so here is the link.)

Here are my nominees:

1. This one is really a no-brainer to me. Michelle from Michelle's Path. She has been through soooo much in her journey to TTC. Her husband is in the military and was deployed to Iraq. While he was deployed, she miscarried. After many failed IUIs, they are now onto IVF before moving to Guam in February. She has been such an inspiration to me and to so many people and I don't think anyone deserves this award more than her.

2. Tanya from The Journey For Baby. She's been through so much also. She had IVF which resulted in a miscarriage unfortunately. Then later went through another IVF and is now blessed with 2 beautiful babies! She had a lot of difficulties in her pregnancy but she always had a big smile in pictures. Her love for her babies shows through every post and every picture.

3. Aradia from Milk-Induced Coma. Aradia's blog is so awesome. Anytime I need a laugh, I can go right to her blog and know that she'll have something inspiring, crazy and so funny to say. She's been blessed with her baby, Ava, and her husband has kidney issues like mine, so I feel a connection with her and think about her all the time.

4. Meg from The Journey to a Baby Franklin. Meg and Kris have been through so much in their TTC journey. After a year and a half of failed IUIs, they did IVF and are now pregnant with twins and I couldn't be happier! Meg is so encouraging and sweet and I'm so glad to have met her.

5. Cindy from Bunch n bunch. Cindy has had a time of it lately and yet she manages to keep her sanity. :) She can always make me smile and laugh no matter what and her blogs are completely honest and no matter how bad the situation, she seems to bring humor into it which is so refreshing.

I wish I could nominate everyone. :) I think everyone deserves this award. :)

Right on time

She showed. Right on time and as expected...but I still took it hard and still spent my time crying on the toilet until there were no tears. It's funny, you know it's over and yet you still hold onto that slight slimmer of hope until that red shows.

I saw my therapist today. I wasn't scheduled, but she had a no-show and since I live just up the hill, I often get called when that happens. Anyway, I showed her My Prayer to God I wrote. She said she was going to type something and let God speak through her hands. This is what she presented to me and it meant the world. I realize it's hard to read. I scanned it because I really didn't want to retype everything. I hope you can read it. If you click on it, it'll enlarge. Sorry about that.

Onto #10

It's over. I was gonna test this morning, but based on my chart this morning (take a look: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/186e65) and the fact that I have horrible cramps, it's over.

Saturday thoughts

Thanks again so much you guys for the support. It means more than you know. (((HUGS)))

I'm pretty sure AF is right around the corner. She's due tomorrow so I'm thinking she'll be here. I've been more angry right now, but I'm sure the depression and tears will soon be coming...probably when I see her evil face. The cramps are still here...yay! **sarcasm if you didn't catch that** and my back is still killing me.

Wow...am I negative....I'm sorry. :(

On a positive note, we have decided that we are going to take a vacation to Hawaii during our month off! I've always wanted to go and we figured that if we had to go somewhere warm and a beach (doctor's orders :)), we might as well go somewhere we really want to go. We have no money, but I guess we'll splurge. Too bad insurance won't pay for it if it's doctor's orders. :)

A couple days ago, I wrote this and I wanted to share here:

I admit, I was one of those people who thought getting pregnant was so easy. Have sex 2 weeks after your period, sperm meets egg and bada boom, bada bing...you've got yourself a baby. Now I realize how naive I was.

Mark and I have dealt with a lot during our marriage with his health issues, but inferility has been the hardest. To have a dream that seems so close yet so far away. As my friend, Michelle, said, us TTC'ers live different, think different and feel different. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I start each month at CD1-the day AF shows and the hope for that month is officially over. Sometimes I just sit on the toilet crying until I can't cry anymore. Sometimes Mark has to help me up because I have no strength because I hurt so much.

CD3: Still emotionally raw, I have to go in for what some of my TTC friends call a "hockey stick procedure" and they aren't fun. I pray they find no cysts so we can try again that month. Cysts are evil when TTC. I also start Clomid or what some of my TTC friends call the "Devil Dots" for the next 5 days. If you're lucky, you won't have side effects, but for most of us, the name says it all.

CD10: I go in for another "hockey stick procedure". I hope and pray that there is more than 1 egg in there. I have to do these fun procedures every day until my eggs are mature. I also start testing with my fertility monitor and OPKs every day, having to watch what I drink and not pee for 4 hours--a lot harder than it sounds.

Finally, when my eggs are mature, it's time for the trigger shot to release my eggs. It ends up being 4 shots in my hips. 12 hours after the shot, we do an IUI. Another one is done 36 hours after the shot. Because of the "Devil Dots", I get painful ovulation. For a few hours, I feel nauseous and sick and have pain in my ovaries.

Then it's the dreaded TWW when I look for any symptoms, praying to throw up in the morning, praying to be so exhausted I can't keep my eyes open and praying for my basal temp, which I've taken every morning for the last year, to stay up. I have to use progesterone suppositories in my body twice a day, having discharge 24/7 and always feeling like I've wet my pants...icky.

I go through all this only to see that red once again and confirming my shattered dreams, hope gone, my baby once again shattered from my heart and crying until there are no tears.

Why do I go through this? Because of love. I love my baby and I love Mark and I won't give up on either of them.

Even though every month and shattered dream is hard, I do find comfort that:
1. I have found so many wonderful friends through this journey.
2. My marriage has become stronger.
3. I appreciate my nieces and nephew so much more.
4. I will love my baby so much more.
5. Even though I've cried more through this journey, I've prayed more.
6. I've gotten closer to the people in my life.
7. I realize so many people love me and I am blessed.

What do you guys think? I've thought about sharing this with my family....of course warning them about TMI :)....so they know what's it's like every month. But, I'm afraid I'm too negative.

Thanks again you guys for being here and your wonderful support! Hope you all have a great weekend!

Little update

Thanks so much to everyone for your wonderful support. It means so much.

I promise to update tomorrow. I'm not feeling real good today. On top of my temp skyrocketing down and horrible AF cramps and bloating, I have managed to throw my back out carrying Peyton and I can hardly move. :( So, I'll type more tomorrow.

I need more rocks......

My prayer to God

God:

I think this month is a bust. :( I know...it's not over until the fat lady shows, but I hear her car coming down the road.

I'm trying so desperately not to be angry with you. I know you have a plan and it's always for the good of people. You know our lives and and timing of every event in our lives. I do strongly believe that.

But, I have to admit, I'm very frustrated and very angry right now. We'll be on #10. I would be able to accept it more if I knew there was a problem with me, but so far every single test has come up normal. On top of that, we've started Clomid and progesterone to increase my chances. The last 2 months, we've been able to use twice as many swimmers as we normally do. So, let's recap. The last 2 months, we've had 2 perfectly timed IUIs each month with 2 (and possibly 3) good eggies, twice as many swimmers for all 4 IUIs and more than what a lot of women get and progesterone in the TWW. Neither month has worked. Do you see why I'm frustrated God? I feel like the laughing stock of the infertility world...with all that, how can I NOT be pregnant?

I don't get it. If now is not the right time and it's coming later, I'm begging you to lessen this desire. I can't take it anymore. I can't cry until there are no more tears anymore. I can't constantly have my baby on my mind anymore. I can't do it. If I'm not meant to be a mother, please take this desire completely away. I don't want to deal with this pain anymore. I'm losing my strength. If we're meant to go a different directions, lead our hearts.

I know you have a plan and I need to keep that in mind. I just hurt now, God. I hurt so bad and I don't want to hurt anymore. Please help me.

Amen.

I'm baaaack!!!

And what awesome news to come back to!! B&K, I'm SOOOO happy for you guys!! Woohoo!!!! You guys deserve this sooooooo much! I'm sooo thrilled!!! Congratulations!

Our getaway was awesome. We went with my mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law and Tyler and Peyton. We did nothing. :) It was so much fun. We played cards, watched movies and read books. We played with the kids. It was so much fun. It was an older timeshare place....it came with accommodations of a VCR and a tape deck (come on people, get into the 21st century!!). We did bring our own DVD player, thank God. No internet or anything, so there were no distractions. A true vacation and it felt wonderful. :)

I did go skiing for a few hours on Sunday with my sister, her husband and my dad. It was the first time in 17 years!! Wow! It was so much fun! I only wiped out once and while I was down, my sister decided it would be really fun to "whitewash" me at that point...not cool at all. :) It was a blast. But I sure missed you guys. The first thing I did was check out my e-mail and the board. :)

Hope you all had a great weekend!!

More pictures....second post of the day

Our peanut's first blanket that Grandma made. I had been looking all over for Precious Moments fleece and my mom found it! I couldn't believe it! So, she made it for the peanut. What an honor for the peanut's first blanket to be made by Grandma!


A close-up of the blanket.



For our third anniversary, I had written a poem for Mark. As a present, my mom cross-stitched the poem. It's one of the best presents we've recieved. I realize it's hard to read, but if you click on it, the picture will get bigger.

I hope you enjoy the pictures! I will be out of town until Monday....we're getting away!!! I know it'll be rough not having me around (wink, wink), but you guys will have to try!

I would also like to share a quote a very good friend sent to me. "After I have cried my last, there will be beauty from pain. Though it won't be today, there will be beauty from the pain". It fits so well with the situation and gives me hope. Thanks K! (not sure if she wants her name on here or not :)). Love ya girl!

Have a great weekend! And for those who didn't see my post from yesterday with the thanks, be sure to read it! I want everyone to know how much I appreciate them!

((((HUGS))))

Tyler's birthday party

Tyler's birthday cake..the big 5


Peyton eating the cake


Tyler eating the cake


Tyler opening up gifts


Tyler and Peyton playing Tyler's new basketball game

Thank you! Warning---long!

Thanks so much to everyone for all your encouragement and support. It truly means the world to me. I was thinking last night how at a year ago at this time, I knew nothing. I had no clue what temping really even was. And I had no clue where my cervix was. I actually asked someone about it because all I could feel was a "hangy ball" thing...yeah, I actually said that. :) Now, a year ago, I've started blogging and I've met so many wonderful people that I never would've met had I not been on this journey and I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Michelle: We've gotten to be such good friends and like you said in your blog, I feel so glad to have you be so understanding and not judgmental at all and I know I can tell you anything and you'll be right there, just a simple e-mail away. I'm soooo grateful to have found you and I really hope and pray IVF will get you your miracle sitting on the beaches of Guam. You deserve it.

Cindy: You've always been there, just a simple e-mail away and like Michelle, not judgmental at all and very understanding. You always know what to say and can make me laugh no matter how down I am. You don't know how many times you've helped me get through the day. Thank you.

Lyndsey and Melanie: I got close to you guys during my third cycle when we were all cycle buddies. That's one of the reasons I'm so glad it didn't work the first 2 cycles. I'm so blessed to have met you guys and I hope you guys get your miracles.

MrsLaLa, Tanya, Aradia, onemorebaby: Our married lives are a lot alike and it helps so much to know that and know that you guys understand so much. I can't tell you how much that means to me and how much comfort it is to know you truly understand. Thanks!

Tracey, Jen, Meg: You guys have helped so much by answering my questions about IVF and always being right there to comfort me and my fears. Thanks so much for the support and giving me hope. I'm so happy for you, Meg and Tracey...you guys deserve it!

Amy&Sharon: You have always been there and even talked to me on the phone when I was so down even though you were having a hard time of it, too. Thanks so much for that. You guys are so very special.

Friendamy: You were one of the first people I met and gave me soooo much helpful information and never laughed at me...that I know of. :) Thank you so much for your patience with me and being so helpful. I'm so happy for you that you got your miracle.

Alifred, Vanessa, Deena, Shari, Laine, the 5 Jens (I just realized there are a lot of Jens) :), wannabemommies, Danielle, B&K, gigglebaby, Miss Conception, Trace, Janine, Candace (where the heck are ya girl?), Kathryn, Roxymommy, Amy, Carolyn, Trace, Michell, Shari, Brittany and twicejess: I can't tell you how much all your encouragment means to me. There have been so many times that I've been so down and your comments are what cheer me up. You've all said something at one time to help me and I can't tell you thank you enough. I've tried to, but I know I haven't, but I wanted to let you know that every comment you've posted has helped in so many ways, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

To those who have gotten your miracles or are expecting, CONGRATS!!! I'm so happy 2007 was so good to you! You deserve it! And for those who are trying, I hope 2008 is your year and we'll be sharing baby pictures in 2009. :)

I really hope I didn't forget anyone. I didn't mean to. You all are so special!

I got this e-mail from my mom yesterday which really hit home and made me realize how much Mark does for me. I almost feel like I could've wrote this with the exception of only a couple things. That's how much it really hit home.

I Am Special=============

My partner and I are to be married next year; he is a few years older than me and already has his children.I do not have children, and if that was to happen for us it would mean an expensive, painful operation for my partner that for him could threaten his life. My partner is allergic to general anesthesia and for me it wasn't an option.I wanted children of my own, but I would never ask him to risk his life no matter how much I wanted something. That would be far beyond selfish.

"So what?" I hear you thinking. I had about given up on human kindness and unconditional love until today, my birthday.My partner announced he had been to the doctor to start the process to enable us to have children. When I questioned why he would want to do that to himself he simply responded,"Because I want you to have everything you've ever desired and I love you."

That was my MountainWings Moment. I had found someone, another person who had put himself out of the picture and wanted to do something for someone else. I can't let him do something like that for me, but I know that no matter what happens I am loved and that someone out there is thinking of me.Children or no children, I have something that some people spend their lives wanting.I AM SPECIAL TO SOMEONE.And so is everyone in the world but perhaps they haven'trealized it yet.

Thanks again for being a wonderful part of my life everyone!!

Tomorrow I'm going to post some pictures of Tyler's birthday party and others. :) Yay for pictures!!!

Happy New Year!!

I hope you all had a safe and Happy New Year! My family was down for a little bit to play games and eat. Then we were in bed by 10....boring huh? :)

**WARNING** I'm really down right now and just not doing so well and there is stuff I need to get off my chest and this is the place I can do it.....so this is a very negative post and I apologize in advance for the negativity, but I need to get it out.

I have been really down the last couple days. I had actually ran out of my Zoloft and didn't take it for a couple days so I'm thinking that was part of it. I got it refilled yesterday and took it again last night and I actually do feel slightly better.

Yesterday, I had seen my therapist. I wasn't feeling myself and usually when I see her I feel better....but not this time. I didn't get to talk to her about as much as I would've liked and I just didn't feel as good as I usually feel when I leave....again, I think it was the lack of Zoloft. Anyway, as I was leaving, I ran into a friend who is due in March who knows the struggles we're having and is a very, very good friend. She was actually one of the first ones we told. Anyway, she's telling me about how she had lasagna for lunch and the baby really likes Italian because it was really moving. Then she's telling me about how she and her husband want to have sex so bad but they don't because they're afraid of hurting the baby. Not what I wanted to hear.

I get to the car and I start bawling. I want to be a mom so bad. I want to have a normal sex life with my husband. Why can't I? Why is it so hard? I hate my life right now. I just want a baby and a husband who wants to have sex with me and find me irrestible. Granted, yes, I know with Mark's health, it's more of the meds and health issues, but it's still hard. Why was I the one dealt with these cards? Why do I have to struggle so much? Why couldn't I only have been dealt with one issue instead of 2? Why? I don't understand it.

We had the kids last night and usually the kids make me feel better, but I felt so much worse last night. The main thing was watching Peyton with Mark. Those two are so close and have so much fun together. It kills me that I can't give that to Mark. I'm so close to Tyler and Peyton and I can't imagine being closer to my own baby but I want to feel it and see if I can be that close. And I want Mark to have his baby...he deserves it. After everyone left last night, I bawled and Mark held me for the longest time and it felt good. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful, understanding husband....just wish he'd put out a little more. :)

My therapist said that if this month doesn't work then we need to take a vacation somewhere warm on a beach where we can forget about everything. That would be after we devore our huge chocolate cake. :) That sounded great to me. I got home and brought up the idea to Mark and he was hesitant, but willing to do it....and of course wherever I wanted to go, he didn't. Of course that didn't help my mood. We were searching the net for places we could go. We did finally agree that San Diego would be nice...and it was only $705 for flight and hotel for 4 days...is that a good deal? Honestly though at this point I don't want to go anywhere...just stay at home and feel sorry for myself because my life sucks.

Okay, so enough negativity. On a positive note, 2007 has been a wonderful year in that I've met so many wonderful people through blogging and the boards and I'm sooooo blessed to have found them. I look back at the beginning of 2007 and I was so alone and didn't have a clue what all this was about. Now, I feel like a "long timer" and know more about my body and sperm than I ever thought I would. I've met sooooo many wonderful people and I'm so happy for those that have gotten their miracles and/or are coming: Meg, Tracey, Tanya, Amy, RaJen, Friendamy, Danikel, Jen....I hope I didn't miss anyone. I hope 2008 adds to that list because there are sooooo many people who deserve it so much.

Thanks for being a part of my life and for sharing your lives with me, my blogger friends. I love you all! (((HUGS)))