Awww, he wants to be like me....

A couple years ago, while training for a half marathon (yeah, I'm insane :)) I had pain in my ankle. The doctor thought it was a stress fracture and I was in a walking boot for about 4 months. I got a second opinion to find out it wasn't a stress fracture and instead was a piece of cartilage lodged in my joint and I had to have surgery.

Anyway, here is a picture of me in my boot. Ironically that same year, Mark had broken his hip and used a walker for 2 months....we were quite the couple. :)



Mark's gonna kick my butt if he finds out I posted this picture. :) He thinks it makes him look like an old man. But I think he just looks cute. :) I had fun with the walker....if you look really closely on the walker, on Mark's left, I put a bike horn so he could push it when he was coming so we could get out of the way. :) That got old real quick though.

Anyway, getting off the subject here. Our oldest son badly sprained his ankle a week ago and needs to be in a walking boot and crutches for awhile. I think it's so sweet he wants to be like me! He just "loves" it when I say that to him. :) At least he posed for the picture. :)

It's starting!

Kind of scary and exciting at the same time. The clinic called and set up some appointments:

09/04 at 10:30: M.D. conference
09/08 at 9:45: Shot teaching class....anyone wanna take that for me? :). Also, blood work done
09/15 at 1:30: Saline sonogram and trial transfer
09/18 at 1:15: Nurse consult

That'll make September go by fast between mine and Mark's appointments. :)

I have also set up an IVF blog: www.wondraivf.blogspot.com where I will be writing about our IVF journey. I will still be writing on this blog, but will be copying and pasting IVF posts onto the other blog also just in case people just want to know about our IVF journey and not about all the other wild and crazy stuff we do in our everyday lives. :)

On that blog, you can also sign up for updates when that blog is updated, too.

Can you believe this is actually happening? :)

Doing the hula....yeah we're dorks

This post goes out to the Milk Maid who wanted pictures of us doing the hula. We realize you probably wanted us in the skirts and the whole get-up, but that's just not gonna happen. :) This is the best you're gonna get. :)






This is our dog who didn't want to be involved wtih the hula. I think he's trying to develop an escape plan to get away from the freaks.

Our decision....second post of the day

We're doing IVF. Kind of a no-brainer when you really think about it. I called our clinic yesterday who gave me the "rough draft" of the protocol. I kind of knew everything already from talking to my wonderful friends on the board. AF should be due around 09/05 and then I'll be doing BCPs for a month, then the regular IVF protocol and by the end of October, we'll know if we're pregnant. As soon as AF officially shows, I will give you all the protocol.

Wow...I can't believe this is happening! Thanks to all for your support! It means so much to me!

Thanks for never giving up on me. (((HUGS)))

Peyton pictures

A few weeks ago we had a Peyton day. Here are a few pictures from that day. Isn't she darling? Mark thinks she takes after her Uncle Mark, but I'm leaning towards her Auntie Tammy. :)


Peyton by the Duck Pond

I don't think I'll ever leave Mark and Peyton alone together. I come to see what they are doing and lo and behold, Mark is teaching Peyton how to shave.

Do you think they get along? :)

There's nothing quite like a Peyton smooch. :)

Thoughts

I sincerely appreciate all your comments and support. I couldn't get through this infertility journey without all my friends, so thank you!

I'm doing better. I think I'm still a little depressed and sometimes it's too much for me to handle, but I know there is a reason. I've made it no secret that I believe in God and that there is a reason for everything. When I look back at my life, I've realized it's all worked out. Everything we've gone through, good and bad, has been a stepping stone to something later in our lives. Nothing has come to a "dead end", whether it be by helping someone else through it or learning more about myself, etc. I've stopped asking "why" because I know there is a reason for everything and whether the answer comes now or later, I know I'll know why.

I didn't want to do IVF. I had so many reservations about it. God knows that, and yet now we're faced with that decision. I have expressed my concerns to a minister (thanks K! :)) and I do feel a lot better about some of the things I was concerned about. Of course, I'm still not 100% comfortable with the idea, but I know there is a reason God has put this in front of me. Maybe it's to help people get through it, maybe to appreciate my baby more, maybe to donate some embryos...I don't know. But I do know there is a reason and I do trust God.

I have also been reading a book called "Han.nah's Ho.pe" which is a Christian book about dealing with infertility (thanks again K! :)). It's such a great book and I'm so glad K suggested it. :)

And as far as doing the lap, I need to know there's nothing wrong with me. Chances are I'm fine, but I want to know and once again, I know there is a reason.

You guys getting tired of me saying "there's a reason"? :)

Yesterday I watched Tyler and Peyton. I was a little nervous about it because I've been so down and wasn't sure how it would go. But, they gave me strength. For the past couple days I've been wondering if I should really go through all this....if it was really worth it. The kids answered that.

I'm sitting on the floor and Peyton comes up to me and sits in my lap followed by Tyler a few seconds later. The three of us are squeezed together and my legs are about to cave in. I can do this. It's worth it.

We're at the playground and I'm pushing the kids on the swing. Tyler says "I want to go higher than the moon!". Peyton says "Go high moooooo!". So cute. I can do this. It's worth it.

"You make the best spaghetti ever! I love you!" I can do this. It's worth it.

"Can we go play air hockey? I want to play with you!" I can do this. It's worth it.

"Waaaaaa.....no! Don't want to stay in. Waaaaa......Want to go outside with Tammy!" I can do this. It's worth it.

Tyler's laughter when tickling him. I can do this. It's worth it.

Peyton's giggle and saying "Catch me, Tammy" as we're running around the yard. I can do this. It's worth it.

Their hugs and kisses good-bye. I can do this. It's worth it.

Thank you Tyler and Peyton for giving me strength when you don't know you do.

Going up...then going right back down

Thanks SOO much to everyone for your comments, love and support. It means the world. I'm still a little down, but getting better. I know it could always be worse. I know there's a reason for everything. I trust God. He hasn't let us down yet and I know He won't. He loves me more than anyone else so I know He doesn't want me to suffer.

Today I was in a store. I just happened to go into there....really no reason other than killing time. There was a ton of Precious Moments stuff! I thought I was in heaven. It was so neat to see. I didn't want to buy much without Mark, but I did find 2 pink bibs...one that said "I Love Mommy" and the other said "I Love Daddy". If we have a boy, he'll look kind of funny, but that's okay. :) I also bought a PM nightlight that is motion detected. I just couldn't help myself. :)

That's one thing I cherish throughout this journey. Yeah, we're buying stuff for a baby we don't have yet, but it's something Mark and I can do together, even if we don't have a baby ever. I wouldn't trade that for world. It's our dream and we keep holding onto that dream.

Anyway, getting back to the subject title here. I was soooo pumped about all the PM stuff. It was so neat. I brought my purchases up to the counter to pay. I was so happy to have found them. The 80-year-old clerk was ringing up the purchases.

Clerk: So, you must still be in college.

A few not-so-nice words going through Tammy's head at this point. I'm 32!!

Tammy: Um, no. Actually I'm out of college.

Clerk: Oh, really? You know, you should stick with it. When I was your age, college wasn't so readily available and I wish it would've been. You kids now days have so many options. You should really think about finishing.

Tammy: Uh, yeah, sure.

If anyone hears of an older store clerk in Wisconsin getting strangled by a Precious Moments bib, you know I'm guilty.

TTC update

First of all, all I really need right now is support and love and people to cry with me and be there. I don't want to hear advice, what I should do, steps we should take, how it took so-and-so 20 tries, maybe get a second opinion, etc. All I need is support and prayers.

We saw the RE today. He was very honest which I appreciated, but unfortunately it wasn't the greatest news for us. Basically he said because we've tried 12 IUIs, the chances for success are getting slimer and slimer. I won't get into all the stats as I've thought about it in my mind so many things that I'm drained just thinking about it all.

Anyway, he recommended 3 things: 1. get a laparoscopy. 2. do injectible IUIs. 3. IVF.

If we do an injectible IUI, I would have to get the laparoscopy done. If we do IVF, I wouldn't. Basically any option is expensive. Right now, we're going to do the laparoscopy and then do an injectible IUI. Then look at our options again and see about IVF.

This isn't easy for me. In fact, I'm pretty down about it all. It wasn't supposed to get down to this. It was supposed to be easy. We've been through enough already. I don't understand. If I was in a different situation, maybe these decisions wouldn't bother me so much, but as some know, it's hard for me to completely know I'm meant to have a baby with Mark....I don't know, and it makes me wonder if I really should go through all this if in my heart I just don't feel strongly that it'll happen with Mark.

I know it could be much worse and I know there is a reason. I do know if I don't at least try I'll regret it and I know Mark will be there with me 100%.

Why can't I be one of those women who get pregnant right away? I never thought it would come down to making such hard, expensive decisions. My heart is broken in a million pieces and I'm waiting for something to put it back together. I just wish if this wasn't the way to go, God would lessen this desire. It just hurts too much.

Empty Womb, Aching Heart

I just finished reading this book and it is so awesome. I would highly recommend it to anyone dealing with infertility. It has real-life stories of Christian couples struggling with infertility and how they've dealt with it. It's so awesome.

If any of my family or friends would like to borrow this book, please let me know. It gives a great picture of what we're going through. Don't feel you have to, but if you'd like to, I would be more than happy to let you borrow the book.

Oh, and good news today! I gave Mark the right insulin! :)

Snapped

I did the unthinkable this morning. This morning, I went to give Mark his insulin shot. He has 2 types of insulin, Lantus (long-acting and absorbs very slowly) and Humalog (fast-acting and gets into the blood stream very fast). His sugar was pretty good this morning and so I only gave him Lantus insulin. I was so excited about his sugar being good with all the stuff he went through.

I have a system to know for sure which bottle of insulin I use. Both bottles are at the back of the sink and when I use a bottle, I put it to the front so I know which one I used. So I come back into the bathroom after giving Mark his insulin and I see the bottle of Humalog at the front of the sink instead of the Lantus. Not good. :( I've only done this once before in the 7 years I've given him his shot so I thought that was pretty good....until Mark said for 30 years he had never done it (bite me). So anyway instead of 15 units of slow-acting insulin, he just got 15 units of fast-acting insulin. I called the on-call doctor who said to have him eat a lot and then check his sugars for the next couple hours on the hour.

That's great advice....except Mark's stomach is still bothering him and is still not able to eat too much and Mark absorbs the insulin so different than most people. So, Mark ate what he could and now I'm testing him every hour. I'm sure he's soooo glad to be out of the hospital where they poked him every 4 hours to test his sugar to now every hour.

Sigh....

I felt really bad but Mark was really nice about it and had a sense of humor about it. There's a TV series called "Snapped" that I like to watch. It's about women who "snap" and kill their husbands. Mark's response when I told him I gave him the wrong insulin?

"You've been watching way too much Snapped. At least this will make a good episode and we'll be on TV!"

Gotta love him. :)

Mark's home!

He's home now! We got home late this afternoon. Kind of came as a shock. He's been eating a little bit of mashed potatoes and took his rejection pills this morning but was refusing other meds. The doc said he could go home as long as he was eating a little and took a few meds because there was nothing more they could do, but I said I wasn't comfortable with that until he could take all his meds. That was incentive enough and Mark choked them all down. :) He's still a little nauseous but he'll be fine in a couple days. All the nurses were shocked he was going home, and I was too, but it sure is good to be home.

His creatinine is good and we'll be checking it again later this week to make sure there aren't any lasting effects on the kidney. His blood pressure is much better. Overall, he's doing good.

Thanks again for all the thoughts and prayers! It means so much! God does answer prayers, so thanks!

I see this is post #284. I'm almost to 300! What should I do for my 300th post? Any ideas? :)

Mark's depressed

The poor guy. He just can't win. They had to change his IV because the other one was getting too bad. He's a very hard poke so after trying a couple sites, they had to call in anesthesia. After 9 pokes from the anestheologist....yes 9...they finally got it in. Mark was such a trooper and kept apologizing to the guy for being such a pain.

Then, after he left, I could tell Mark was feeling down and I went over to him to give him a hug. I asked him if he was feeling down and he nodded. I asked him if he wanted to talk and all he said was "why me?". I told him because he was strong enough to handle it and no one else could handle it like he could. Obviously that didn't help one bit and somehow I knew my post of Why Not Me?http://twondra.blogspot.com/2008/05/ramblingslongyawn.html wasn't going to help. :( The poor guy.

Then, not too long after that, while moving his blankets, his puke bucket fell down off his bed, making a big noise and kind of a mess :(. Then, he said "Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks". All I could do was nodd....I understood.

He'll be okay, though. The fact that he's feeling a little depressed is good news that he wants to go home and is tired of being here. It's just hard to see him like this.

On a good note, he's eating a little more and he was able to get 3 pills down this evening. He didn't want to try any more because he didn't want to push it.

Any ideas on how to help him? I kind of wish he was crabby instead of depressed.....this breaks my heart.

Saturday update

This is copied from my e-mail, so I apologize if you've read it already. :(

Hi everyone! Thanks again to all of you for your thoughts, prayers, e-mails and calls! It means more than you know, so thanks!

Just a quick update....Mark had a rough night again last night. His blood sugar went down and they couldn't get it back up, especially with him not eating. It happens quite a bit at home but it was kind of nice to have it happen at the hospital where the nurses couldn't even get it up, so I know I'm not doing anything wrong. Mark tried to drink some apple juice but it wasn't bringing it up and after a few hours, they ended up giving him some sugar solution through the IV.

I think his stomach is feeling a little better, although when you ask him he says it doesn't. He's able to sleep which is good and he did take 1 pill this morning and keep it down (1 of 40 he has to take :(), but he only took it because the nurse kind of made him. I can tell he's feeling a little better because he's starting to get a little crabby with me, so that's a good sign. When the nurses have him try to take pills, he will but when I suggest it, you'd think I just asked him to eat a plate of manure or something. But, at least when he starts getting crabby, he's feeling a little better so that's encouraging. It just means I spend a little more time at home with Eddie. :)

We haven't checked his kidney numbers for a couple days and I'll be checking with his doctor to see when we should do that again. He was getting too much fluid and was starting to retain it and we were worried about his heart, so that's been cut back.

Sorry...this ended up being longer than I thought. Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers...it means a lot! I think Mark's finally turning the corner so I'll be sure to let you know when we're back home.

Friday update

This is copied from Mark's transplant website:

Thanks again to everyone for your thoughts, prayers and e-mails! It means a lot!

Mark is still pretty sick, but he's been able to sleep most of the day which is great. His creatinine has stayed stable which is great! He's starting to get a little puffy so they are slowing the fluids down to protect his heart. Tomorrow if he's still throwing up, they might put the tube in his nose even though Mark doesn't want it. It's just a wait and see thing now I guess. He still has a mild low-grade fever, but not bad and his blood pressure is still a little high. The fact that he's sleeping is great news, though.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers! Thanks so much!!!

An emotional breakdown

Today I kind of had an emotional breakdown. I think not sleeping and being really worried has really gotten to me. Plus, I feel so responsible for Mark being in the hospital because his stomach issues probably started because of stress....stress due to the fact that I handled this last BFN so hard and Mark was worried about me. So, I kind of feel it is my fault he's in here.

I went to my chiropractor who is such a sweetheart and is always completely honest with me. I lost it there. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. I don't know what was wrong with me....probably just as stated above. Anyway, she thought maybe this was God's way of "toughening me up" for what is to come with Mark. I know realisitically he won't live to be too old. And she thought maybe this was God's way of preparing me for it and to try to take care of myself more rather than always taking care of Mark. She thinks I'm always thinking of others and never taking the time to take care of myself. She says I need to be a little more selfish.

I think she has a good point, but it scares me. I know anything can happen...Mark can live 1 year or 10 years...I don't know. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't think I'm meant to be a mother to Mark's child. I think I'm meant to be a mother, just not with Mark's baby. And that scares me. I started realizing today that having a baby with Mark's health issues is very, very tough and probably more than what I can handle...no wonder God hasn't provided us with a child.

Gosh, I wish we had a crystal ball and could look into the future. I wish I knew God's plan for me. It really scares me. I just can't imagine not having Mark with me all the time and not having a baby with him.

But I do know God's plans are always for the good and He doesn't want us to suffer. I do strongly believe it and I know it's all in God's hands.

But, I gotta tell ya, reality sucks. I wish I didn't always have to face it.

Why do I let things bother me??

Venting~ :) I don't know if I'm too tired or what. Maybe it's just the emotions but things are just really getting to me.

I miss Mark's smile. He always smiles at me and makes me feel good. But now he won't even talk to me. I know he's really sick and I know that's just it, but I'm always wondering...is he mad at me? Is he mad that I sleep while he's throwing up? Is he mad that I work for a couple hours in the morning and leave him? Is he mad that I'm on the computer? I don't want to upset him and yet now I feel like I can't do anything right. So many other times when he's sick, he'll still give me that smile I love to see and still tells me he loves me. What I wouldn't give to have him say that to me now when I say it to him. And I sure miss that smile.

I know....he's sick and it's probably just that. But I sure miss him.

And then, I talked to work on Monday after Mark was admitted. I told them I would work for a couple hours on Tuesday morning to do the outsourcing and other stuff that is my responsibility but then I'd be taking PTO the rest of the day because Mark wasn't doing good. So, my lead e-mails me back and tells me that the x-rays were getting backed up and that I'd have to okay being off by my supervisor. Huh? So, I e-mail back, explain to her that I needed to be with Mark and that I didn't feel comfortable leaving him...that they were running tests to make sure it wasn't his heart, but they couldn't rule out a heart attack. She e-mails back saying I should've mentioned that they were ruling out a heart attack. So, it's like she's saying unless Mark is having a heart attack, there shouldn't be a reason I couldn't take off work. So if Mark died, "Sorry...you can't have off. The jobs are too backed up. You can work, can't you?"

Well, I'm sorry. Mark's a very ill patient. Every time he goes into the hospital, there's a big risk. I don't care that I work from home and can work anytime, that I live just a mile from the hospital. When Mark goes into the hospital, I'm there with him. It doesn't matter that he's in here all the time....that just means that he's very ill and critical.

Sometimes I get the feeling that people think I'm too protective of Mark...like there's no reason for me to be here with him. Yes, I know he's an adult, but I also know he's got a lot of health problems and that his health is very critical. Every time he has a setback, I'm worried something will happen. I NEED to be with him. If we had kids or I was pregnant, it would be different...I'd have someone else to worry about. But I don't. Mark's all I got and I've never spent one night away from him since we got married and I'm not about to do it now.

Yeah, things are getting to me. Like I said, it could just be that I'm tired. I know this all sounds selfish, but I gotta let it all out. I actually do feel better. Thanks. :)

Update on Mark

This is copied from my e-mail so I apologize if you've already read this.


I wanted to send a quick update to everyone just in case you haven't been able to read the updates from our website. Thanks to all who have e-mailed, called, prayed, etc. It means a lot to us.

Mark is still pretty sick. I can tell he's really sick because he's not giving me his usual smiles. It's more of a look that says "I'm really annoyed by you, but I'm really glad you're here". His blood pressure is sky high....about 180s/110s which is really high. The IV bp meds haven't helped. That's another reason why they want him to start his oral meds as soon as he can. He's still not able to keep anything down. He has tried sherbet and some juice, but that comes right back up. He's not able to sleep at all and he's exhausted. Last night they had to give him some Ativan to help relax him.

The good news is his creatinine went down! It's 1.5 which is still a little high, but steady for him and the fact that it went down from 2 days ago is GREAT news! But, the sooner he can start taking his antirejection meds, the better. Each day he doesn't take them, the risk for rejection gets higher.

So, thanks again soooo much to everyone for your e-mails, calls, thoughts and prayers! They mean so much, more than you know! Please continue to keep Mark in your thoughts and prayers.

Diving

**Sorry!!! This sounds confusing. We were watching the Olympic diving at this time. Hope that clears things up a little!**

Despite having his puke bucket at his side, not sleeping, not eating and laying in a hospital being poked and prodded, Mark still makes a point to tell me every time a male diver puts his hands over his manhood:

"He's got a boner! He's hiding it!"

Mark's in the hospital

He was admitted earlier this morning. They think it's probably the same stomach thing, but they are doing the blood work for a heart attack just in case. I'm sure he'll be much better in a few days. Like I said, it just makes us a little nervous when he can't take his pills because of his kidney and fear of rejecting it.

I don't have many minutes on my cell phone because I've been such a chatterbox this month. :) So, I'm going to rely mostly on our website to keep people updated.

Here is the address:

http://www.freewebs.com/twondra/markstransplantjourney.htm

Thanks so much for the thoughts and prayers! :)

Mark is sick

Just wanted to let you all know that Mark is sick. We'll be going into the doctor this morning and I'm pretty sure he'll be staying in the hospital. It's his gastroparesis acting up again. He started getting sick to his stomach Friday night and it just got worse. Last night he was just barely able to take his pills and he got no sleep at all last night. The poor guy. It's so heartbreaking to watch him.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. We both get really nervous when this acts up because he can't take his pills and we fear something will happen to his kidney.

I'll keep you guys posted. I'm sure we'll end up in the hospital later today.

Thanks so much for the thoughts and prayers.

Mark's pain

A couple days ago, I was at a friend's house. I had been hesitant to go because Mark's neuropathy (nerve pain) was really bad in his legs. Usually he has to take some Ultracet (pain medication) and then it'll get better. This time, however, it just wasn't getting any better. I kept telling him I would stay home, but he insisted I go. He said there wasn't anything I could do anyway, so I might as well go and have a good time.

So, I went. It was great. A night of ice cream, wine and a nice, sad movie. It was exactly what I needed after a week of crying over my 12th BFN.

When I was leaving, I called Mark right away.

Tammy: How are you feeling?
Mark: The pain is still there.
Tammy: Oh, no! I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left.
Mark: Yeah you should have. I'm fine.
Tammy: But you're still having pain.
Mark: I'm okay. Don't worry.
Tammy: Did you take the Ultracet?
Mark: Yeah.
Tammy: What time?
Mark: About 6.
Tammy: So you could take a couple more if you want.
Mark: That's okay. I'll be fine.
Tammy: Well, you could take it now before going to bed and you could rest more.
Mark: It's okay.
Tammy: Did you take a sleeping pill?
Mark: Yeah.
Tammy: Mark, I told you not to do that until you were ready for bed. We've talked about this.
**Mark responds to those pills odd sometimes. Long story, but it can be scary.**
Mark: I know. Sorry.
Tammy: Just go to bed now then. I'll see you when I get home.
Mark: I'm getting a big pain now.
Tammy: Oh, no! Are you okay?
Mark: Yeah, I'll be fine. The big pain is in my BUTT!

Oops. :)

He's getting ready!

A couple days ago, I was coming out of my office and was surprised to find this:



That would be Mark reading my International Gymnast magazine. I was shocked. He's never read my magazine before nor as he shown any interest in wanting to read my magazine. Pretty much the same interest I have in reading his car magazines. :) When I asked him why, he said he wanted to learn more about gymnastics with the Olympics coming up so he can know what we're watching. I thought it was so sweet of him to try to learn more of my interest. :) Don't ya just wanna give him a big squeeze? :)



The Beijing Olympics start tonight! We're so pumped! :)

Tears

I’ve looked back at Mark’s and my time together and I realize there have been a lot of tears.

“The doctor says my kidneys are failing. I’m either going to need an insulin pump or a kidney transplant.” Sadness

“I’m going out on a limb here and I have a feeling the limb is going to break. I want you to be with me forever.” Joy (what a proposal, huh? :))

“Tammy, I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. Mark’s kidneys are failing rapidly. We need to start dialysis now.” Sadness

“The surgery went great. We can start dialysis immediately and he’ll be a new man for your wedding in 2 months.” Joy

“The blockages are so bad that we can’t do an angioplasty. We need to do bypass and we need to do it quickly.” Sadness

“The surgery went great. Mark even gave us a thumbs up!” Joy

“I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but there is a problem with Mark’s brother’s kidney. The transplant has to be cancelled.” Sadness

“Mark, I want to give you my kidney. I want to give you the best Christmas present.” Joy

“I’ve been dreading this phone call. Mark’s heart is very weak. Before we can do the transplant, we need Mark to be evaluated by a heart transplant surgeon to see if he needs a heart transplant before the kidney transplant. I’m so sorry.” Sadness

“The risk is very high, but I don’t think you need a heart transplant. I think the important thing is getting the kidney transplant and that will help your heart.” Joy

“There is a 50/50 chance something will happen in the surgery. We will have a cardiologist right there, but we’re warning you that there is a high risk something will happen.” Sadness

“The surgery went wonderful. Scott and Mark are doing great. The kidney is already producing urine!” Joy

“Mark’s had a heart attack. We need to transfer him and get an angiogram done as soon as possible.” Sadness

“The blockages are too bad. It’s too much of a risk. The bypassed vessels are completely blocked. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing we can do. We need you guys to think about getting evaluated for a heart transplant.” Sadness

“At this point, things look pretty good. You aren’t in need of a heart transplant.” Joy

“My period came. I’m so sorry, honey.” Sadness

“I got my smiley!” Joy

“This is the best I’ve seen you, Mark. You’re walking good. You’re looking good. And you’ve actually got a sense of humor! I think things are going wonderful and I really don’t see any changes we have to make.” Joy

With the tears of sadness, comes tears of joy.

He can make me laugh no matter what

Mark: How are you feeling this morning?
Tammy: I have a killer headache, but other than that I feel okay. I'm just so confused.
Mark: Why?
Tammy: I woke up having a strong urge not to skip this month. How could I go from wanting to give up to not wanting to take a month off?
Mark: I don't know, honey.
Tammy: What do you think we should do?
Mark: It's totally up to you and I support you in whatever you decide.
Tammy: Do you ever have an opinion?
Mark (after a little pause): I have an opinion about cars.
**Tammy rolls her eyes**
Mark (starts counting on his fingers): I like racey cars. I like fast cars. I like muscle cars. I like....

At least he made me smile and that's been hard to do lately. I love him so much.

Missing aunt has been found

She's here and sure making her presence known. I had a big fight with Cramping last night. She's never treated me so bad. I had to have help to fight her off with Tylenol and Nice, Long Bubblebath and eventually Cramping lessened. But it was awful. Thankfully Bloating hasn't shown up yet because I don't think I could handle both of those cousins at the same time right now.

I'm feeling so depressed right now. I did sleep pretty good last night. I didn't realize how tired I was and how much I hadn't slept the last couple nights. And I took a shower this morning which is a step for me. It was also nice because I felt I could cry and the sound of the shower would drown out the noise. Mark hates to see me cry so I've been trying not to do it in front of him too much, but that's hard.

I've just never felt so lost and it's so hard to explain. With every other cycle, it seems there is a new thing to try to give me hope. But now, it seems I've tried everything so the hope is gone. I know there are other avenues and things we haven't tried.....but...let's not go down that road again.

Sometimes I wonder if I just need to concentrate on Mark. I know with his health, he won't live to be too old. It's hard to see that in writing, but it's reality. When he was first diagnosed with diabetes, they said he wouldn't live past the age of 20. Then, he was told a realistic goal would be 40. He's 49 right now (Dang....I just realized I need to start planning a 50th birthday party). Just this weekend I had 2 people tell me he's a walking miracle and he is. Maybe I need to concentrate more on him....I don't know. Yet, TTC I think has kept him going and I want him to be a daddy again and to experience it again. I think it gives him something to look forward to. But yet, if it never happens and if something happens to Mark, I'd feel guilty for not putting more time and energy into him rather than a possible baby. On the other hand, this is something we do together. He goes to every IUI and is always there with every test result and we've hugged more. So, in some ways it's brought us closer together.

Dang, why can't life be easy? :)

Thanks again to all of you for your support and comments. It means the world.

I have a missing aunt

My Aunt Flo is missing. My cousin Cramping is here and really making her presence known. Usually Aunt Flo follows very soon afterwards, but she's not here.

I hate it when she plays tricks on me. I wish she would just come and let her presence known. It's so depressing. She can be so mean.

I tested today....BFN

I guess that says it all. My heart is broken. Another dream dashed.

Thanks to all for your support and love. Good luck to those in the TWW!

Wow!

Thank you all SOOOO much for your comments yesterday. I'm so overwhelmed by the support I got, so thank you! I'm trying to hold onto the hope as that is the one positive thing we have when TTC. I know if it's a BFN, there will be plenty of time to be sad, so I don't want to be sad right now. I'm just trying to stay positive. Thank you soooo much!

I just wanted to say something. It was almost 2 years ago that I was encouraged by a friend to look in chat rooms and find people who were going through the same thing as me. At that time I felt so alone and to be honest, didn't think I'd find anyone going through the same emotional rollercoaster that I was or find anyone who would understand.

But, I found the NW board and I found soooo many people who truly understand. I have gotten to be so close to so many people through it. Some I e-mail every day, some I talk to on the phone, some have sent me gifts/packages and I know a lot of people pray for me. And a lot care enough to ask me how I'm doing or send little comments just when they're thinking about me. You have no idea how much that means to me.

I once heard that those struggling with infertility are the most patient, understanding, compassionate people and I have to say I couldn't agree more. They really care and really go out of their way to show they care. Not that others don't, and I don't know what I would do without my family and friends either, but I think those struggling with infertility are dealing with a lot of emotional pain that others can't understand and it hurts them to see others go through it, too.

You have become a second family to me and I love you all. We have a special connection that is hard to explain and I can't wait to be sharing pictures of our babies with each other and watching them grow up together, looking back at this journey and knowing it was all worth every painful test, BFN and every dollar.

Thank you for being there and making this journey a little more bearable. I'm so grateful for the infertility family I have found.

((((HUGS))))

I'm feeling down

I don't think I'm pregnant. :( I've been trying so hard to be positive and I kept telling myself that I just "knew" I was pregnant and was knocked up. But for the last couple days, I've been feeling pretty strongly that AF is on her way. I know....many women feel AF is on her way and end up pregnant and many don't have symptoms and end up being pregnant. But I just don't know....I really doubt it.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive, but it's hard. I do know that this is a God thing. It's just not the right time. He's proven that to me. The one time I had the exact same size/number of eggs and the exact same timing as texas2 on the board. They end up with twins and we end up with a BFN. And then last Christmas, we had perfect timing, 2-3 good eggs, did 2 IUIs with twice the amount of swimmers that most women use and still nothing. So, I do know this is God's timing and I do trust Him. He knows what He's doing.

I just feel so frustrated because I feel I've worked so hard with the detox diet, chiropractor, testing, etc. And yet it seems like a waste....even though I know it wasn't.

I want a baby so bad and I want this to be all worth it. I can't see pregnant women anymore. It hurts too much. I cry when I have to type a Labor and Delivery Report for work. I cry even harder when I have to type a report on a 16-year-old pregnant girl who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.

I know there's a reason God does this, but I just want to understand. If it's not meant to be, I want the desire taken away from me. It hurts too much. And I don't want a reason to be angry with God. He's been too good to me.

I know it's not over until the fat lady shows, but I can hear her car coming down the road.

Sorry to be a downer today guys. I just needed to get some of this out. Thanks for listening. :)